Laughing off a pear-shaped date
September 27, 2007 1:27 PM Subscribe
I had a date tonight, a first date, and my date didn't show up. How do I get across the message that it's not a problem?
Tonight, I'd arranged a date with a girl I met last week to go out for dinner. After waiting a while outside, and then waiting a while inside it became pretty clear that for whatever reason she wasn't going to show up.
I'm sure that either something happened to totally trip up tonight, and she couldn't get in touch, she just plain forgot, or something else that I can't blame her for. What I'd like to do is be able to say something or do something or whatever next time we get in touch to make it clear I'm not annoyed about it and really all I want is to actually get to have that date, and forget about things not working out tonight.
It could of course be that I'm being way too optimistic and I should take this as a hint to forget about it, but I honestly don't think that's the case - feel free to say if you do think that way, but I reserve the right to be all smug in a follow-up Metatalk post if you do.
It could be that something really unavoidable happened, in which case it's just up to me to be sympathetic and get things back on the road.
But, assuming it was an innocent memory lapse or something along those lines, how do I best make it clear I'm shrugging it off, and looking to just actually get to know her better? I'm not willing to give up a shot at this one over some silly screwup.
Tonight, I'd arranged a date with a girl I met last week to go out for dinner. After waiting a while outside, and then waiting a while inside it became pretty clear that for whatever reason she wasn't going to show up.
I'm sure that either something happened to totally trip up tonight, and she couldn't get in touch, she just plain forgot, or something else that I can't blame her for. What I'd like to do is be able to say something or do something or whatever next time we get in touch to make it clear I'm not annoyed about it and really all I want is to actually get to have that date, and forget about things not working out tonight.
It could of course be that I'm being way too optimistic and I should take this as a hint to forget about it, but I honestly don't think that's the case - feel free to say if you do think that way, but I reserve the right to be all smug in a follow-up Metatalk post if you do.
It could be that something really unavoidable happened, in which case it's just up to me to be sympathetic and get things back on the road.
But, assuming it was an innocent memory lapse or something along those lines, how do I best make it clear I'm shrugging it off, and looking to just actually get to know her better? I'm not willing to give up a shot at this one over some silly screwup.
Unfixable. She stood you up. You either walk away or you look like a chump. Either way, you ain't gettin' some unless she slathers on the contrition.
posted by felix betachat at 1:32 PM on September 27, 2007
posted by felix betachat at 1:32 PM on September 27, 2007
I should take this as a hint to forget about it
If this isn't the case, is there really anything to worry about? If it's not a hint, why hasn't she called you yet? If it isn't a hint, why worry at all, call her and find out what happened.
Just something to think about.
posted by dead_ at 1:33 PM on September 27, 2007
If this isn't the case, is there really anything to worry about? If it's not a hint, why hasn't she called you yet? If it isn't a hint, why worry at all, call her and find out what happened.
Just something to think about.
posted by dead_ at 1:33 PM on September 27, 2007
Surely just arranging another date is enough of a signal that you don't mind?
posted by chrismear at 1:33 PM on September 27, 2007
posted by chrismear at 1:33 PM on September 27, 2007
Let her get in touch with you. Seriously why aren't you annoyed? Even if there was an emergency she should have called you or if that wasn't possible gotten in touch with you afterwards to apologize. It is basic courtesy. You don't want to date someone that would just not show up and leave you hanging. If she contacts you and has a good excuse and apologizes, then let it go and ask her out again. But for now do nothing.
posted by whoaali at 1:34 PM on September 27, 2007
posted by whoaali at 1:34 PM on September 27, 2007
Yeah, and if something came up, she should already have gotten in touch to apologize, right?
Which leaves forgetting, which is potentially quite embarrassing for her, so I'd say just go with an email asking if she's all right, if everything's OK.
posted by tristeza at 1:34 PM on September 27, 2007
Which leaves forgetting, which is potentially quite embarrassing for her, so I'd say just go with an email asking if she's all right, if everything's OK.
posted by tristeza at 1:34 PM on September 27, 2007
Well, personally, I'd actually wait for her to contact you. Then you can respond accordingly.
...however, if you insist on being the one to follow up, you could open with a casual email asking if everything is OK, or asking if you went to the wrong place, or something like that.
The main thing, in my view, is to avoid coming across as stalker-ish or obsessive while still finding out if she's backing out. If she IS backing out, then do us all a favor and write a polite note saying you would have preferred it if she'd been more of an adult and told you straight, rather than letting you waste your time like that.
posted by aramaic at 1:36 PM on September 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
...however, if you insist on being the one to follow up, you could open with a casual email asking if everything is OK, or asking if you went to the wrong place, or something like that.
The main thing, in my view, is to avoid coming across as stalker-ish or obsessive while still finding out if she's backing out. If she IS backing out, then do us all a favor and write a polite note saying you would have preferred it if she'd been more of an adult and told you straight, rather than letting you waste your time like that.
posted by aramaic at 1:36 PM on September 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
I would do one of two things:
*Wait for her to contact you and say she was sorry to miss you, at which point you can say, Hey, no problem! Can we reschedule? When's good for you? Maybe if she plans, she'll be less likely to forget. I hope this is what will happen.
*Drop her an e-mail (or call, however you've been talking) and say, hey, missed you at dinner last night, hope we can reschedule, talk to you later. Contact her once and only once.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:36 PM on September 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
*Wait for her to contact you and say she was sorry to miss you, at which point you can say, Hey, no problem! Can we reschedule? When's good for you? Maybe if she plans, she'll be less likely to forget. I hope this is what will happen.
*Drop her an e-mail (or call, however you've been talking) and say, hey, missed you at dinner last night, hope we can reschedule, talk to you later. Contact her once and only once.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:36 PM on September 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
Yeah I think rescheduling is as much as you should do, and only do that if she's intensely apologetic about standing you up.
If she doesn't apologize profusely, you should take that as an engraved invitation to take a hike.
To be honest, I wouldn't even make the first move afterwards; if she stands you up and then doesn't call, either she's not interested or she's dead. Either way, you're not getting another date.
posted by Kadin2048 at 1:36 PM on September 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
If she doesn't apologize profusely, you should take that as an engraved invitation to take a hike.
To be honest, I wouldn't even make the first move afterwards; if she stands you up and then doesn't call, either she's not interested or she's dead. Either way, you're not getting another date.
posted by Kadin2048 at 1:36 PM on September 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
Has she tried at all to contact you? Is there any reason it would be impossible for her to do so? Because if not, and you haven't heard from her yet, then she's being a bit inconsiderate of you & kinda rude by not apologizing for wasting your evening.
I wouldn't start off any relationship by telling someone it's totally cool for them to stand you up... or else you might just be setting up a precedent that it's okay for people to disrespect you. You might be encouraging her to take you for granted... in the future she might be flaky on you and just assume, "Oh, he won't care." And honestly, you should care. Boundaries and mutual respect are kind of important.
(Also: "laughing off a pear-shaped date?" What does that mean? She's pear-shaped? Or you are?)
posted by miss lynnster at 1:37 PM on September 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't start off any relationship by telling someone it's totally cool for them to stand you up... or else you might just be setting up a precedent that it's okay for people to disrespect you. You might be encouraging her to take you for granted... in the future she might be flaky on you and just assume, "Oh, he won't care." And honestly, you should care. Boundaries and mutual respect are kind of important.
(Also: "laughing off a pear-shaped date?" What does that mean? She's pear-shaped? Or you are?)
posted by miss lynnster at 1:37 PM on September 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
People have lives that often don't revolve around their non (at least not yet) significant others. A single missed date is not someone kicking you in the nuts and setting your dog on fire.
Send an email or a phone call saying you missed so and so at such and such time and see if they'd like to reschedule. If a missed date happens again it is probably not worth following up on, chalk it up to someone not willing to take the effort and move on to the next fishy in the sea.
posted by iamabot at 1:37 PM on September 27, 2007
Send an email or a phone call saying you missed so and so at such and such time and see if they'd like to reschedule. If a missed date happens again it is probably not worth following up on, chalk it up to someone not willing to take the effort and move on to the next fishy in the sea.
posted by iamabot at 1:37 PM on September 27, 2007
Response by poster: Mainly email. She has my number, if she remembered to note it (she's not got easy access to email as I understand it). I don't have hers.
Probably nothing to worry about, but if it was me doing it, I'd be kicking myself even after rearranging things, which is really what I'd want to minimise.
I suspect so far tristeza's right.
posted by edd at 1:38 PM on September 27, 2007
Probably nothing to worry about, but if it was me doing it, I'd be kicking myself even after rearranging things, which is really what I'd want to minimise.
I suspect so far tristeza's right.
posted by edd at 1:38 PM on September 27, 2007
Response by poster: Pear-shaped not in the physical sense, miss lynnster. The third meaning, which presumably you're not aware of.
posted by edd at 1:39 PM on September 27, 2007
posted by edd at 1:39 PM on September 27, 2007
What does that mean? She's pear-shaped? Or you are?
It's UK slang for something that goes haywire, lynnster.
posted by nanojath at 1:42 PM on September 27, 2007
It's UK slang for something that goes haywire, lynnster.
posted by nanojath at 1:42 PM on September 27, 2007
It could be that something really unavoidable happened, in which case it's just up to me to be sympathetic and get things back on the road.
If something unavoidable happened, it's up to her to let you know as soon as possible and get things back on the road.
That's what thoughtful, considerate people do. If you really think there may have been a miscommunication (she showed up at the wrong time or night or place), by all means drop a note.
posted by oneirodynia at 1:43 PM on September 27, 2007
If something unavoidable happened, it's up to her to let you know as soon as possible and get things back on the road.
That's what thoughtful, considerate people do. If you really think there may have been a miscommunication (she showed up at the wrong time or night or place), by all means drop a note.
posted by oneirodynia at 1:43 PM on September 27, 2007
Response by poster: OK, sounds like I sit tight and see what happens, thanks all!
posted by edd at 1:45 PM on September 27, 2007
posted by edd at 1:45 PM on September 27, 2007
Jinx. As to the actual question - just drop a short email that says something like "we must have gotten our signals crossed about such and such night. Do you want to reschedule?" This communicates just fine that you aren't put out about it but puts the ball back in her court in case she's just trying to get shut of you in a rude and inept manner. I guess I'd think twice if there was no apology forthcoming, and if she doesn't respond (or responds with something like hmm, well, yeah, I'll think about it), well, there's your answer.
posted by nanojath at 1:46 PM on September 27, 2007
posted by nanojath at 1:46 PM on September 27, 2007
Are you sure you had a date? This happened to me once many moons ago. Turns out I said, I'm going to see x movie, have you? she said not yet, I said wanna see it? She said eventually... total misunderstanding.
posted by Gungho at 1:47 PM on September 27, 2007
posted by Gungho at 1:47 PM on September 27, 2007
I offer that only on the somewhat iffy justification that she might be so mortified with herself that if she heard nothing from you, she figured you were angry at her and decided best to just drop the whole thing. The idea that she has this obligation to fix it, though not without merit and basis, hits me a little too much like bullshit head games: if you want to know what happens, ask what happened. If you are not that put out about it, say so. If it turns into a pattern of behavior, then start worrying about being a chump.
posted by nanojath at 1:48 PM on September 27, 2007
posted by nanojath at 1:48 PM on September 27, 2007
Response by poster: Gungho: yeah, sorted via email, so it's on record.
posted by edd at 1:49 PM on September 27, 2007
posted by edd at 1:49 PM on September 27, 2007
I would wait for her to contact you. If you don't hear back from her soon about the devastating accident she was in, it's not likely going to go anywhere in the future.
It's possible you might benefit from reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and/or Anxious to Please.
posted by Durin's Bane at 1:55 PM on September 27, 2007
It's possible you might benefit from reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and/or Anxious to Please.
posted by Durin's Bane at 1:55 PM on September 27, 2007
Call or email her to grab lunch this weekend. No mention of last night, just play it cool. Let her bring it up, and pretend you either forgot about it yourself or you ran into an old high school friend at the restaurant and had a blast drinking together and catching up on old times.
posted by Mach3avelli at 1:55 PM on September 27, 2007
posted by Mach3avelli at 1:55 PM on September 27, 2007
I wouldn't start off any relationship by telling someone it's totally cool for them to stand you up... or else you might just be setting up a precedent that it's okay for people to disrespect you.
That's right on the money.
posted by ob at 1:55 PM on September 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
That's right on the money.
posted by ob at 1:55 PM on September 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
Unless you receive an invitation to her funeral, or someone asking you how she ended up in that coma, don't even bother. She stood you up and has not contacted you in any way? That is unforgivably and inexcusably rude.
Yes, things happen. Such is life. But grownups take the time to fire off a quick email saying "Shit went down, really sorry, will reschedule."
Don't even sit tight. Write her off as a useless rude bint, and move on. If she ever contacts you again, be happily surprised, but don't expect it.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:06 PM on September 27, 2007
Yes, things happen. Such is life. But grownups take the time to fire off a quick email saying "Shit went down, really sorry, will reschedule."
Don't even sit tight. Write her off as a useless rude bint, and move on. If she ever contacts you again, be happily surprised, but don't expect it.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:06 PM on September 27, 2007
Best answer: Years ago I was scheduled for a date with a guy that I liked but got in a car accident about an hour beforehand. I was taken to the hospital and the whole bit. I called the next day and told him but he didn't believe me. I did apologize at first, but then when he didn't believe me, and considering I was still in pain, I became very, "Well, f- off then" about the whole thing.
In my situation, if he had believed me, I would have been eager to reschedule.
posted by letahl at 2:09 PM on September 27, 2007
In my situation, if he had believed me, I would have been eager to reschedule.
posted by letahl at 2:09 PM on September 27, 2007
Response by poster: I think there are enough other reasons not to be too pessimistic yet. Will let everyone know what happens anyway.
posted by edd at 2:10 PM on September 27, 2007
posted by edd at 2:10 PM on September 27, 2007
As unlikely as it is, I thought I'd point out that there could have been a simple miscommunication, and you two had in mind different times/places. Maybe she's in the same position, wondering why you never showed up and why you didn't even call. Even if you spelled it out, maybe she remembered wrong, and is now sitting at her house stewing in rage.
The odds might be slim, but I just thought I'd mention that there could be another side.
posted by fogster at 2:10 PM on September 27, 2007
The odds might be slim, but I just thought I'd mention that there could be another side.
posted by fogster at 2:10 PM on September 27, 2007
A first date is something to take seriously. One doesn't merely forget that one has a first date. Well, I'm sure that there are some people who would forget it, but I wouldn't want to date them, and I'd advise the same of others.
So let's assume that she knew that she had a date and didn't show up and chose not to call you. If that's the case, then you were stood up. Block her profile and move on.
So what's left is that she knew that she had a date but was unable to call you. So she was either dead or in a hospital or chained inside a Faraday cage or in some other situation where she didn't have access to a phone.
So she's either pathologically forgetful, rude, or terribly unlucky. Any of those is reason enough to move on.
posted by ten pounds of inedita at 2:10 PM on September 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
So let's assume that she knew that she had a date and didn't show up and chose not to call you. If that's the case, then you were stood up. Block her profile and move on.
So what's left is that she knew that she had a date but was unable to call you. So she was either dead or in a hospital or chained inside a Faraday cage or in some other situation where she didn't have access to a phone.
So she's either pathologically forgetful, rude, or terribly unlucky. Any of those is reason enough to move on.
posted by ten pounds of inedita at 2:10 PM on September 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
I actually disagree with the people who are saying to not listen to her reason if she contacts you, and to not give her a chance. I do think you should listen to her if she calls. In relationships, communication is important, understanding is important, but remember that boundaries definitely are too.
Key point being... she HASN'T called you so she's apparently less in tune with the importance of any of those things. And if that's the case, you are probably better off without her in your life.
posted by miss lynnster at 2:17 PM on September 27, 2007
Key point being... she HASN'T called you so she's apparently less in tune with the importance of any of those things. And if that's the case, you are probably better off without her in your life.
posted by miss lynnster at 2:17 PM on September 27, 2007
So what's left is that she knew that she had a date but was unable to call you.
No. As others have said, there may still have been a misunderstanding on her part. I agree the chances are slight but whats the cost here of a follow-up email or phone call?
posted by vacapinta at 2:22 PM on September 27, 2007
No. As others have said, there may still have been a misunderstanding on her part. I agree the chances are slight but whats the cost here of a follow-up email or phone call?
posted by vacapinta at 2:22 PM on September 27, 2007
I suppose it is possible she got the details as to time and place wrong, but I REALLY doubt it.
I guess you can send an e-mail that's like "You didn't show up for our date the other night, just wanted to make sure you didn't die or something", but she probably won't respond.
If you're willing to give her another chance just because she forgot or got busy or something...I'm sorry but that's just sad.
Have some pride, man. It'll make you more attractive to other girls.
posted by Jess the Mess at 2:23 PM on September 27, 2007
I guess you can send an e-mail that's like "You didn't show up for our date the other night, just wanted to make sure you didn't die or something", but she probably won't respond.
If you're willing to give her another chance just because she forgot or got busy or something...I'm sorry but that's just sad.
Have some pride, man. It'll make you more attractive to other girls.
posted by Jess the Mess at 2:23 PM on September 27, 2007
good grief, some of the responses. Its a possible flag true but inofitself not a reason to run away screaming. A casual enquiry would suffice and if future things go well it's something to keep in the back of your head for a few months then let go. If you get further resistance then its time to walk.
posted by edgeways at 2:24 PM on September 27, 2007
posted by edgeways at 2:24 PM on September 27, 2007
I'm with fogster. It has happened to me (but not a date, just meeting a new friend for the first time). Two coffee shops with the same name in the same town. We straightened things out.
Or, did you happen to get there at all late? Even five minutes late? People have very different impressions of "let's meet at 12:00." She might have left.
You should really send an e-mail.
posted by Eringatang at 2:27 PM on September 27, 2007
Or, did you happen to get there at all late? Even five minutes late? People have very different impressions of "let's meet at 12:00." She might have left.
You should really send an e-mail.
posted by Eringatang at 2:27 PM on September 27, 2007
Do nothing. The ball is in her court. If she makes no conciliatory overtures, then think about it: is this someone you want to be involved with? If she does apologize, is it genuine with an offer to reschedule?
You have been blessed with an opportunity for insight here.
posted by rolypolyman at 2:33 PM on September 27, 2007
You have been blessed with an opportunity for insight here.
posted by rolypolyman at 2:33 PM on September 27, 2007
It's no skin off your teeth to drop her a quick email asking if you two got some details wrong or should otherwise reschedule. Yes, she may be sitting at home feeling hurt or angry, thinking that you blew her off.
Her response to your single upcoming message should tell you a lot about her and how much she likes and respects you. If she doesn't respond to the note, that should tell you even more.
posted by maudlin at 2:35 PM on September 27, 2007
Her response to your single upcoming message should tell you a lot about her and how much she likes and respects you. If she doesn't respond to the note, that should tell you even more.
posted by maudlin at 2:35 PM on September 27, 2007
Call her and apologize for not showing up on the date. Maybe she'll think you did the same thing she did.
posted by PFL at 2:36 PM on September 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by PFL at 2:36 PM on September 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
Assuming there is no possibility for a time/place mixup - either you got stood up or something emergency-like came up.
If something came up and she couldn't make it and didn't have your number or her mobile with her or for some other reason, couldn't get in touch then the ball is in her court - its up to her to call/email you to apologise and reschedule.
If she stood you up the last thing she wants is to hear from you. Especially with a 'its ok that you stood me up, when can we reschedule' email. Some people have a hard time saying no or turning down invitations - was she keen, was the date her idea? Or could you not take a hint when she made excuses?
How long did you wait? You posted at 9:30pm on the night of your date - you should at least give her 24-48 hours to get in touch - in case something actually happened to her.
TBH you're coming across really desperate - if she gets in touch and explains what happened, then sure - reschedule - otherwise, I'd assume she stood you up and just isn't interested.
posted by missmagenta at 2:49 PM on September 27, 2007
If something came up and she couldn't make it and didn't have your number or her mobile with her or for some other reason, couldn't get in touch then the ball is in her court - its up to her to call/email you to apologise and reschedule.
If she stood you up the last thing she wants is to hear from you. Especially with a 'its ok that you stood me up, when can we reschedule' email. Some people have a hard time saying no or turning down invitations - was she keen, was the date her idea? Or could you not take a hint when she made excuses?
How long did you wait? You posted at 9:30pm on the night of your date - you should at least give her 24-48 hours to get in touch - in case something actually happened to her.
TBH you're coming across really desperate - if she gets in touch and explains what happened, then sure - reschedule - otherwise, I'd assume she stood you up and just isn't interested.
posted by missmagenta at 2:49 PM on September 27, 2007
I think a lot of it has to do with individual personalities. I have friends who routinely show up two hours after they said they would be there, and never call OR answer their phones if they're running late. Or better yet, you'll call them three hours after they were supposed to be somewhere and they will still be getting dressed/on the couch/sleeping. I myself tend to show up pathologically 30 minutes behind schedule. So everyone who's freaking out about it may have stricter social expectations than others. Edd seems not to be the "my time is valuable and you're wasting it" kind of person, and this is his situation so he can deal with it how he likes.
It is possible to flat-out forget plans, beyond even calling to apologize. People have busy lives. If she decided not to go and didn't contact, maybe yes she's a jerk. But if she had four things to do that day and went home and passed out and completely forgot - and didn't get a "where are you?" phone call, she might still not even remember. In fact, not calling her or emailing her that night may have made her think that you changed her mind.
The best way to handle it would be to send a charming and friendly voicemail/email saying something along the lines of "what happened to you the other night? I waited and wept into my pint, you didn't show, I gnashed my teeth and then the management asked me to leave, it was all terribly embarassing and now you definitely owe me dinner." Unless this person is a very. serious. person., you have total license to call them out on this one and be a little cheeky and fresh about it. Why hang out with someone you can't be playful with? It's a nice way to bring it up in a way that shows you're chill, and not mad or upset about it.
One of two things will happen - she'll say "oh sorry. something came up" and not elaborate, this means she just doesn't prioritize you, so fuck her. Or she'll be "omg! I am so sorry I completely went home and went to bed/my mom made me come over for dinner/etc etc profuse apology." And you get to be the nice guy about it. So there you go.
posted by SassHat at 2:54 PM on September 27, 2007 [3 favorites]
It is possible to flat-out forget plans, beyond even calling to apologize. People have busy lives. If she decided not to go and didn't contact, maybe yes she's a jerk. But if she had four things to do that day and went home and passed out and completely forgot - and didn't get a "where are you?" phone call, she might still not even remember. In fact, not calling her or emailing her that night may have made her think that you changed her mind.
The best way to handle it would be to send a charming and friendly voicemail/email saying something along the lines of "what happened to you the other night? I waited and wept into my pint, you didn't show, I gnashed my teeth and then the management asked me to leave, it was all terribly embarassing and now you definitely owe me dinner." Unless this person is a very. serious. person., you have total license to call them out on this one and be a little cheeky and fresh about it. Why hang out with someone you can't be playful with? It's a nice way to bring it up in a way that shows you're chill, and not mad or upset about it.
One of two things will happen - she'll say "oh sorry. something came up" and not elaborate, this means she just doesn't prioritize you, so fuck her. Or she'll be "omg! I am so sorry I completely went home and went to bed/my mom made me come over for dinner/etc etc profuse apology." And you get to be the nice guy about it. So there you go.
posted by SassHat at 2:54 PM on September 27, 2007 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I'd just send a brief email saying that you weren't sure if you got the time/place mixed up or if she decided not to go. I suggest this as my husband very nearly missed our first date. He was sitting at the Mexican restaurant a block away until he looked at the menu and realized that he'd messed up. Fortunately, he realized that and didn't think I'd stood him up.
posted by acoutu at 2:56 PM on September 27, 2007
posted by acoutu at 2:56 PM on September 27, 2007
Put me down for "ball's in her court."
Most likely she stood you up, in which case, move on. Less likely she was unavoidably detained, in which case she contacts you. Very unlikely she showed up somewhere else that has the same name. If you can exclude that possibility, there's really nothing to hold out for. If you decide that really is a possibility, you can contact her, but refer back to the most-likely scenario.
posted by adamrice at 3:04 PM on September 27, 2007
Most likely she stood you up, in which case, move on. Less likely she was unavoidably detained, in which case she contacts you. Very unlikely she showed up somewhere else that has the same name. If you can exclude that possibility, there's really nothing to hold out for. If you decide that really is a possibility, you can contact her, but refer back to the most-likely scenario.
posted by adamrice at 3:04 PM on September 27, 2007
Best answer: I agree with maudlin that there doesn't seem to be any downside to dropping her a quick email. There are three outcomes to an email inquiring if she's alright or if your lines got crossed:
-She doesn't reply, because she was presumably blowing you off. (No worse off than you would have been not sending the email.)
-She replies, and her explanation sounds half-hearted, like she got really snowed under at work and couldn't leave and just hadn't gotten around to calling you, so you decide that you'd rather not reschedule with someone who clearly doesn't value your time. (No worse off than you would have been not sending the email.)
-She replies, and her explanation is eminently understandable: she thought you meant foo restaurant, not bar restaurant, oh my she's so embarrassed, she thought you were standing her up--or she was on her way to meet you and got mugged, she's been so shaken up she didn't even think to call--or she totally blanked on it, and by the time she realized she was so embarrassed that she couldn't bear calling you and asking for a second chance. (You end up better off than you would have been not sending the email.)
All the advice above about how to play it so you don't appear weak or like a pushover just seems like a depressing way to approach dating. I mean, she's either basically a decent person who will treat you with respect, or she's not. I have a hard time believing that a fundamentally decent person suddenly turns into a nasty disrespectful one because you show your soft underbelly of willing forgiveness.
So if the way you play it from here won't make a difference in her fundamental character and compatibility with you, it basically comes down to deciding which is worse: that she would have been a good girlfriend but your future relationship is thwarted because you didn't want to appear weak, or that you avoid a woman who would have been a bad girlfriend and don't have to take the several more dates it would have taken to figure that out anyway.
posted by iminurmefi at 3:07 PM on September 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
-She doesn't reply, because she was presumably blowing you off. (No worse off than you would have been not sending the email.)
-She replies, and her explanation sounds half-hearted, like she got really snowed under at work and couldn't leave and just hadn't gotten around to calling you, so you decide that you'd rather not reschedule with someone who clearly doesn't value your time. (No worse off than you would have been not sending the email.)
-She replies, and her explanation is eminently understandable: she thought you meant foo restaurant, not bar restaurant, oh my she's so embarrassed, she thought you were standing her up--or she was on her way to meet you and got mugged, she's been so shaken up she didn't even think to call--or she totally blanked on it, and by the time she realized she was so embarrassed that she couldn't bear calling you and asking for a second chance. (You end up better off than you would have been not sending the email.)
All the advice above about how to play it so you don't appear weak or like a pushover just seems like a depressing way to approach dating. I mean, she's either basically a decent person who will treat you with respect, or she's not. I have a hard time believing that a fundamentally decent person suddenly turns into a nasty disrespectful one because you show your soft underbelly of willing forgiveness.
So if the way you play it from here won't make a difference in her fundamental character and compatibility with you, it basically comes down to deciding which is worse: that she would have been a good girlfriend but your future relationship is thwarted because you didn't want to appear weak, or that you avoid a woman who would have been a bad girlfriend and don't have to take the several more dates it would have taken to figure that out anyway.
posted by iminurmefi at 3:07 PM on September 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
Why do so many people think that it's really far fetched that there was a miscommunication? We have no idea of the actual plans made. Maybe there are two restaurants with similar names, maybe the date (i.e. Sept 27th) could have got mixed up. I agree that one shouldn't be too passive about being stood up, but its not that unlikely that the arrangements got screwed up and she's at home thinking that he stood her up.
posted by ob at 3:14 PM on September 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by ob at 3:14 PM on September 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
All possiblilities seem kinda bad here, guy.
a) She fell off a cliff.
This one's not too bad. She'll call you from the hospital.
b) She didn't 'feel' like showing up.
She's a jerk and you had an awkward night waiting around for her. You shouldn't bother with that again.
c) She forgot.
You're not important enough to her to think about too much.
d) She's dead.
You'll have to buy flowers.
e) Her estranged father showed up after a twenty-year absence.
She should call you and appologize for standing you up. She hasn't? She doesn't think too highly of you.
f) She is the kind of dickhead that sets up dates with guys that she intends not to keep, so they have to spend time and energy learning what she should have been mature enough to communicate to them in the first place.
She's a punk.
I'd say being too laid-back about this with her is a loud-as-hell signal that you are alright being taken advantage of. Kinda sets you up for more of the same.
However, if she was swallowed by a whale and has lived to tell about it, when she pops up again would you get her to respond to this question please? Thanks.
posted by Pecinpah at 3:20 PM on September 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
a) She fell off a cliff.
This one's not too bad. She'll call you from the hospital.
b) She didn't 'feel' like showing up.
She's a jerk and you had an awkward night waiting around for her. You shouldn't bother with that again.
c) She forgot.
You're not important enough to her to think about too much.
d) She's dead.
You'll have to buy flowers.
e) Her estranged father showed up after a twenty-year absence.
She should call you and appologize for standing you up. She hasn't? She doesn't think too highly of you.
f) She is the kind of dickhead that sets up dates with guys that she intends not to keep, so they have to spend time and energy learning what she should have been mature enough to communicate to them in the first place.
She's a punk.
I'd say being too laid-back about this with her is a loud-as-hell signal that you are alright being taken advantage of. Kinda sets you up for more of the same.
However, if she was swallowed by a whale and has lived to tell about it, when she pops up again would you get her to respond to this question please? Thanks.
posted by Pecinpah at 3:20 PM on September 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
i think you were stood up. don't call her--let her call you. if she doesn't bother to reach out to apologize for being swallowed by a whale, breaking all her fingers and losing her voice, delivering a baby, or being held hostage by bank robbers, then she's probably not that into you.
sorry, dude. i would forget it and move on. if she calls with a good excuse, give her a second chance, but not until then.
posted by thinkingwoman at 3:30 PM on September 27, 2007
sorry, dude. i would forget it and move on. if she calls with a good excuse, give her a second chance, but not until then.
posted by thinkingwoman at 3:30 PM on September 27, 2007
Edd, look at Pecinpah's post, just above. Look at his language. Do you want to be like Pecinpah? His post is just his anger speaking. He won't even consider that there is another side to the issue.
Seconding what "OB" said. A bunch of on-line strangers have no idea about the actual circumstances and personalities involved.
All the issues have been stated many times over. Go now and make your own decision.
posted by JimN2TAW at 3:32 PM on September 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
Seconding what "OB" said. A bunch of on-line strangers have no idea about the actual circumstances and personalities involved.
All the issues have been stated many times over. Go now and make your own decision.
posted by JimN2TAW at 3:32 PM on September 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
Edd, look at Pecinpah's post, just above. Look at his language. Do you want to be like Pecinpah? His post is just his anger speaking.
I think you do, Edd. Funny and judgmental beats tedious and judgmental any day.
posted by ten pounds of inedita at 3:41 PM on September 27, 2007 [3 favorites]
I think you do, Edd. Funny and judgmental beats tedious and judgmental any day.
posted by ten pounds of inedita at 3:41 PM on September 27, 2007 [3 favorites]
I like what edita says.
There is really no conceivable explanation that does not lead to the conclusion that she's rude, inconsiderate, and not worth pursuing.
All of the commenters who are saying, "but maybe she didn't even realize you had a date ... maybe it was a genuine miscommunication ... maybe she went to another restaurant of the same name." All of those explanations are as believable as alien abduction, to explain why she did not show up and did not call.
All of those "alien abduction" explanations are implausible because they are leading the commenters into logical and narrative contortions to explain why the woman didn't call to apologize. The simplest explanation is the one that leaps out --- she's a rude bitch.
Ockham's razor.
posted by jayder at 4:37 PM on September 27, 2007
There is really no conceivable explanation that does not lead to the conclusion that she's rude, inconsiderate, and not worth pursuing.
All of the commenters who are saying, "but maybe she didn't even realize you had a date ... maybe it was a genuine miscommunication ... maybe she went to another restaurant of the same name." All of those explanations are as believable as alien abduction, to explain why she did not show up and did not call.
All of those "alien abduction" explanations are implausible because they are leading the commenters into logical and narrative contortions to explain why the woman didn't call to apologize. The simplest explanation is the one that leaps out --- she's a rude bitch.
Ockham's razor.
posted by jayder at 4:37 PM on September 27, 2007
Oh, here's what you should do. Send her a link to this thread, with the humorous question: "We're debating about you over on Metafilter. So what was the explanation?"
posted by jayder at 4:38 PM on September 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by jayder at 4:38 PM on September 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
Is it at all possible that it was a screw-up on your end? Did you go to the wrong place on the wrong night? Was she expecting you to pick her up?
posted by Reggie Digest at 5:04 PM on September 27, 2007
posted by Reggie Digest at 5:04 PM on September 27, 2007
Dude, have you even met a girl before?
Some of them would never do this to you. Go out with one of them.
posted by bingo at 5:15 PM on September 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
Some of them would never do this to you. Go out with one of them.
posted by bingo at 5:15 PM on September 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
If she likes you, she wouldn't just forget she had a date with you.
If there is a reason she didn't show up, she will contact you.
There are only two reasons you might contact her:
1. She may have misunderstood the time, shown up at a different time, and think she has been stood up. This could have happened if you are the type to plan things for "next Friday" or "dinnertime".
2. She may have misunderstood the place, gone somewhere else, and think she has been stood up. This could have happened if you planned your date for someplace like "Cafe X", where there is also a "Cafe X 2"
Really, though, it does sound like she might have had an "innocent memory lapse", and just forgotten edd exists, and that she had a date with him -- but this doesn't mean you should call. Quite the opposite, in fact. Sorry. I do hope she calls though, feel free to make fun of my answer and laugh at me in that case
posted by yohko at 5:28 PM on September 27, 2007
If there is a reason she didn't show up, she will contact you.
There are only two reasons you might contact her:
1. She may have misunderstood the time, shown up at a different time, and think she has been stood up. This could have happened if you are the type to plan things for "next Friday" or "dinnertime".
2. She may have misunderstood the place, gone somewhere else, and think she has been stood up. This could have happened if you planned your date for someplace like "Cafe X", where there is also a "Cafe X 2"
Really, though, it does sound like she might have had an "innocent memory lapse", and just forgotten edd exists, and that she had a date with him -- but this doesn't mean you should call. Quite the opposite, in fact. Sorry. I do hope she calls though, feel free to make fun of my answer and laugh at me in that case
posted by yohko at 5:28 PM on September 27, 2007
I agree with iminurmefi (and not because I'm logrolling). And I suspect at least some of the people suggesting that edd not call and write off this girl completely may be reacting to what seems to be his very amiable and forgiving nature and may think he's on his way to be taken advantage of by a careless and selfish woman.
So just be a mensch with balls, edd. Send her one (1) email asking about the non-date in a light, friendly manner. Again, there may have been a miscommunication and she may be reluctant to contact you because her friends (or bunch of Internet strangers) are giving her exactly the same advice about this asshole who stood her up.
Ask her about the missed date and her answer will give you something to go on. You get some useful information about this girl, you keep your dignity, you don't get distracted by wondering "what if?" in the days and weeks to come, you could now move on and date someone else if she's the user most people here think she is, and you get to come back and tell us what happened. Win, win, win, win and win.
posted by maudlin at 5:47 PM on September 27, 2007
So just be a mensch with balls, edd. Send her one (1) email asking about the non-date in a light, friendly manner. Again, there may have been a miscommunication and she may be reluctant to contact you because her friends (or bunch of Internet strangers) are giving her exactly the same advice about this asshole who stood her up.
Ask her about the missed date and her answer will give you something to go on. You get some useful information about this girl, you keep your dignity, you don't get distracted by wondering "what if?" in the days and weeks to come, you could now move on and date someone else if she's the user most people here think she is, and you get to come back and tell us what happened. Win, win, win, win and win.
posted by maudlin at 5:47 PM on September 27, 2007
Do inquire. If I hadn't waited a few extra minutes to see if my husband showed up (in case he'd run into difficulty), I wouldn't be happily married. That being said, do not accept a lame excuse.
posted by acoutu at 5:54 PM on September 27, 2007
posted by acoutu at 5:54 PM on September 27, 2007
How do I get across the message that it's not a problem?
Dude. It's a problem. Why do you not value yourself enough to say so? You had big plans, and she didn't care enough to show.
Not only is that the truth, it's the right answer to how you talk to her. Don't be the chump she can walk all over. Would you respect that guy? Why should she?
posted by kingjoeshmoe at 6:12 PM on September 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
Dude. It's a problem. Why do you not value yourself enough to say so? You had big plans, and she didn't care enough to show.
Not only is that the truth, it's the right answer to how you talk to her. Don't be the chump she can walk all over. Would you respect that guy? Why should she?
posted by kingjoeshmoe at 6:12 PM on September 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
If it was a misunderstanding, then your single, breezy email saying, "Hey, missed you last night at ZZZ Restaurant, is everything ok?" could save a budding relationship. You're not accusing, you're not saying it's ok for her to stand you up, you're simply checking to see whether there was a misunderstanding.
If she's a jerk and actually DID skip the date on purpose, she'll just ignore that email from you and you're no worse off than if you forgot about her now. Remember - ONE email only. Then the ball's in her court.
All of you expecting the third option, that he's signing up to get taken advantage of, are crazy. No girl stands a guy up, and then decides to date him when he emails to see what happened. She's not gonna go, "Ooh, I can treat this one like crap, better keep him around!"
Email her.
posted by vytae at 7:28 PM on September 27, 2007
If she's a jerk and actually DID skip the date on purpose, she'll just ignore that email from you and you're no worse off than if you forgot about her now. Remember - ONE email only. Then the ball's in her court.
All of you expecting the third option, that he's signing up to get taken advantage of, are crazy. No girl stands a guy up, and then decides to date him when he emails to see what happened. She's not gonna go, "Ooh, I can treat this one like crap, better keep him around!"
Email her.
posted by vytae at 7:28 PM on September 27, 2007
Best answer: "Hey. Missed you the other night. Are you all right?"
If it was an accident/misunderstanding: "Well, stuff happens. Shall we try it again?"—and you get points for being solicitous enough to check up and mature enough to deal with it. You also get some doormat points, so don't do this more than once. If, on the other hand, she feeds you a line of bull, or avoids you, or insists that you deliberately stood her up and won't discuss the possibility that it's a no-fault thing ... forget about it. Not gonna be good for you.
E-mail is really not the best thing for this. It makes evasion/procrastination/signal-mixing/situation-muddying too easy. Have you any synchronous mode of communication with her? (Answering machines don't count, either.)
posted by eritain at 9:43 PM on September 27, 2007
If it was an accident/misunderstanding: "Well, stuff happens. Shall we try it again?"—and you get points for being solicitous enough to check up and mature enough to deal with it. You also get some doormat points, so don't do this more than once. If, on the other hand, she feeds you a line of bull, or avoids you, or insists that you deliberately stood her up and won't discuss the possibility that it's a no-fault thing ... forget about it. Not gonna be good for you.
E-mail is really not the best thing for this. It makes evasion/procrastination/signal-mixing/situation-muddying too easy. Have you any synchronous mode of communication with her? (Answering machines don't count, either.)
posted by eritain at 9:43 PM on September 27, 2007
Your analysis should not be based on what she did or why. Instead you should decide what to do based on what is in your best interest.
Although it would be nice if everyone acted courteously towards others, it is a fact of life that we act less courteously towards those we do not know well. We would never blow off someone we knew a long time, even if we didn't like them, for fear of word getting out.
Yet, despite our best efforts to be nice to strangers, it is more likely that we will blow off a stranger, because the cost to us is less.
Given these circumstances, you must ask yourself, what is the best course of action for you?
It is far more likely than average that in this instance you are being blown off, because this person has very weak ties to you.
If you are interested in this date but she is blowing you off to test you, it is in your best interest to play it cool and make her wonder why you never called.
If she was legitimately unable to make the scheduled time, social convention would require her to call and apologize, no matter how embarassing such a call might be.
If she would rather see you feel a bit hurt by being blown off than her have to make an embarassing phone call, it is likely that she would rather avoid minor embarassment rather than make another feel better about being possibly blown off. It isn't to your advantage to be involved with such a person.
Thus, you should not call because it is not in your best interests to do so.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:55 PM on September 27, 2007
Although it would be nice if everyone acted courteously towards others, it is a fact of life that we act less courteously towards those we do not know well. We would never blow off someone we knew a long time, even if we didn't like them, for fear of word getting out.
Yet, despite our best efforts to be nice to strangers, it is more likely that we will blow off a stranger, because the cost to us is less.
Given these circumstances, you must ask yourself, what is the best course of action for you?
It is far more likely than average that in this instance you are being blown off, because this person has very weak ties to you.
If you are interested in this date but she is blowing you off to test you, it is in your best interest to play it cool and make her wonder why you never called.
If she was legitimately unable to make the scheduled time, social convention would require her to call and apologize, no matter how embarassing such a call might be.
If she would rather see you feel a bit hurt by being blown off than her have to make an embarassing phone call, it is likely that she would rather avoid minor embarassment rather than make another feel better about being possibly blown off. It isn't to your advantage to be involved with such a person.
Thus, you should not call because it is not in your best interests to do so.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:55 PM on September 27, 2007
All of you expecting the third option, that he's signing up to get taken advantage of, are crazy. No girl stands a guy up, and then decides to date him when he emails to see what happened. She's not gonna go, "Ooh, I can treat this one like crap, better keep him around!"
It must be nice to have never had any one of the many experiences that render this comment ridiculous.
posted by bingo at 10:15 PM on September 27, 2007
It must be nice to have never had any one of the many experiences that render this comment ridiculous.
posted by bingo at 10:15 PM on September 27, 2007
Ironmouth, what about the scenario where signals got crossed and she thinks he ditched her? And I would also argue that even if this woman lives up to people's worst expectations, getting an illuminating reply or lack of reply to the single email message many of us are urging edd to send is of value to him. He either gets one of the pessimistic scenarios confirmed (a fairly high probability) so he can move on to his next prospect with clarity and the feeling of having dodged a bullet, or he may find out a pretty nice person didn't show up for a pretty good reason.
edd, be an empiricist, not a theoretician. Yeah, on average, people who do X are Y, and situation A implies B, but not always. Don't make a doormat of yourself, but send one message and find out for yourself what's really going on.
Then, really, let us know. I'm dying of curiousity here.
posted by maudlin at 10:54 PM on September 27, 2007
edd, be an empiricist, not a theoretician. Yeah, on average, people who do X are Y, and situation A implies B, but not always. Don't make a doormat of yourself, but send one message and find out for yourself what's really going on.
Then, really, let us know. I'm dying of curiousity here.
posted by maudlin at 10:54 PM on September 27, 2007
Response by poster: It looks like mefites are too used to easy internet access. Eritain's right that email's not ideal, and if you don't get the phone number down off the email before losing it it can mess things up a bit. Anyway, the long and the short of it is that it was an understandable circumstance.
posted by edd at 5:56 AM on September 28, 2007
posted by edd at 5:56 AM on September 28, 2007
Response by poster: Oh and jayder, I have to say I knew someone would post your answer. One day I'll get to present someone with a printout of an AskMe all about them, but I don't think it'll happen with this thread!
posted by edd at 6:04 AM on September 28, 2007
posted by edd at 6:04 AM on September 28, 2007
Anyway, the long and the short of it is that it was an understandable circumstance.
What does that mean? You talked to her?
posted by bingo at 6:38 AM on September 28, 2007
What does that mean? You talked to her?
posted by bingo at 6:38 AM on September 28, 2007
Basically I agree with iminurmefi. The only possible acceptable explanation to me is that there was a misunderstanding of date/time and that she is wondering if you stood her up. That happened to me once. But yeah, I've been on like 6 million dates, and it happened once. So if that's the case, then you could ask her if that happened.
Otherwise, dude, she stood you up, she sucks. Don't go down that road. It's painful.
posted by sully75 at 6:44 AM on September 28, 2007
Otherwise, dude, she stood you up, she sucks. Don't go down that road. It's painful.
posted by sully75 at 6:44 AM on September 28, 2007
Response by poster: bingo: yes we're back in contact and rearranging things.
More generally, I'm not going to get into details, as we'd be discussing someone else who isn't here, and it'd be too much like I'd be inviting people to make judgements on whether it's a good enough reason or not, which isn't what the question's about. And I think it's a more than reasonable circumstance.
posted by edd at 6:59 AM on September 28, 2007
More generally, I'm not going to get into details, as we'd be discussing someone else who isn't here, and it'd be too much like I'd be inviting people to make judgements on whether it's a good enough reason or not, which isn't what the question's about. And I think it's a more than reasonable circumstance.
posted by edd at 6:59 AM on September 28, 2007
More generally, I'm not going to get into details, as we'd be discussing someone else who isn't here, and it'd be too much like I'd be inviting people to make judgements on whether it's a good enough reason or not,
So you got the hive mind all fired up and we unleashed our collective mental energies on analyzing what it means that she didn't show up ... we laughed with you, we cried with you, we urged you to be strong, and we gave you wise counsel ... and then when you find out what happened, you don't share it with us.
That's cold, dude. Really cold.
posted by jayder at 12:50 PM on September 28, 2007 [4 favorites]
So you got the hive mind all fired up and we unleashed our collective mental energies on analyzing what it means that she didn't show up ... we laughed with you, we cried with you, we urged you to be strong, and we gave you wise counsel ... and then when you find out what happened, you don't share it with us.
That's cold, dude. Really cold.
posted by jayder at 12:50 PM on September 28, 2007 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: anaelith: I won't. Concern appreciated, but I'm finding it increasingly offensive that there are suggestions I will be walked all over, rather than simply giving someone a second chance following unfortunate circumstances.
jayder: she got put out of contact. Given the nature of some of the answers (which I did to some extent invite), I think it's understandable that I'd not subject things to further scrutiny, as I think some people won't be satisfied with any reason, whereas I will be.
dead_: best answers marked for previous real experience, good summations on the side that things seem to be going towards, and in eritain's case for noting the problems of email that contributed. If it turns out the best answers weren't the ones I thought, you'll see the marked answers change. But at the end of the day I think decisions made in too much haste are generally regrettable.
posted by edd at 3:37 PM on September 28, 2007
jayder: she got put out of contact. Given the nature of some of the answers (which I did to some extent invite), I think it's understandable that I'd not subject things to further scrutiny, as I think some people won't be satisfied with any reason, whereas I will be.
dead_: best answers marked for previous real experience, good summations on the side that things seem to be going towards, and in eritain's case for noting the problems of email that contributed. If it turns out the best answers weren't the ones I thought, you'll see the marked answers change. But at the end of the day I think decisions made in too much haste are generally regrettable.
posted by edd at 3:37 PM on September 28, 2007
Response by poster: 'as I think some people won't be satisfied with any reason, whereas I will be.'
I mean, there are some reasons that satisfy me, not that any reason will, which would of course be ridiculous.
posted by edd at 3:41 PM on September 28, 2007
I mean, there are some reasons that satisfy me, not that any reason will, which would of course be ridiculous.
posted by edd at 3:41 PM on September 28, 2007
Good on you.
You will, of course, be coerced into telling the story at the wedding reception. Because you will, of course, invite all of us—either to thank us or to tell us 'I told you so'.
posted by eritain at 1:08 PM on October 1, 2007
You will, of course, be coerced into telling the story at the wedding reception. Because you will, of course, invite all of us—either to thank us or to tell us 'I told you so'.
posted by eritain at 1:08 PM on October 1, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by forallmankind at 1:31 PM on September 27, 2007