Love Lost?

September 17, 2007 5:25 PM

My girlfriend and i broke up, will we ever be successful?

I was dating my current girlfriend for 9 months. Just recently, my girlfriend, at a time when we were great, brought up taking a break to really figure out if we're right for one another and to think about the arguing and fights we have and have had. We have a generally good relationship IMHO - we've both determined our relationship is 97% of the time great. We've discussed issues like a slight temper and our immaturity as reasons why we dont work out 100% We've both discussed seeing a counselor individually. I think thats a good enough amount to stick together but she obviously wanted a break.

This past weekend, we got into arguments at a bar over my insecurity and she was drunk at the time so it felt like the anger was escalated. We both, mostly her, decided to break up. I'm at a point in my life where i can track my issues and relate them to past issues between ex-gfs. Im seeking a conselour atm.

She doesn't really say if we'll get back together or if she has hope. She says we'll break up or go about the break up, one day at a time and see where it goes. I have hope and i openly tell her my objectives are to be seperate until we seek help and feel as though personal issues are resolved. Can a relationship like ours ever work again?

posted by AMP583 to Human Relations (26 answers total)

There's someone else.
posted by trevyn at 5:32 PM on September 17, 2007

To begin with, bars are not made for relationships. Never go to a bar with your girlfriend. Ever.

Secondly, just tell her you'll call her in two weeks. In 1 week, send her the most expensive flower arrangement you can afford. I mean nice - stainless steel rectangular vase, whatever. Not a dozen roses, in other words. If she calls to thank you, accept the call, but remind her you two agreed on two weeks.

On the second week, have some nice Tiffany jewelry arleady pruchased, and go out to eat at the nicest place in town. You essentially want to blow a paycheck on this girl. Give her the necklace, or bracelet, or whatever, and tell her exactly how you feel.

She may never call you again afterwards, but you did your best, and you'll find someone again.

But, she may have a hard time letting you go. Just be honest, and never take her to a bar ever again.

Lastly, if your talking about a counselor after 9 months of a dating thing, my suggestion is to ease up, friend. Give her a little rope. If you think you have to hold on so tight or else she'll float away, you simply need to let go. And go have a drink.
posted by four panels at 5:38 PM on September 17, 2007

97% perfect relationship and indefinite break are not concepts that go together in my head. Somebody's got something wrong - either it's really not that good, or she has absolutely no ability to deal with things being less than absolutely, flawlessly perfect. Or there's something else going on. But the facts, as presented, are inconsistent.
posted by Tomorrowful at 5:40 PM on September 17, 2007

This past weekend, we got into arguments at a bar over my insecurity and she was drunk at the time so it felt like the anger was escalated. We both, mostly her, decided to break up.

and

She says we'll break up or go about the break up, one day at a time and see where it goes.

She's done with you. Move on. That said:

Can a relationship like ours ever work again?

Maybe, but not in the foreseeable future. Don't bank on it.
posted by Ufez Jones at 5:41 PM on September 17, 2007

I have to completely disagree with four panels... money absolutely positively cannot buy affection. Period. End of statement. It makes you look pathetic.

Also, what trevyn said.
posted by mpls2 at 5:46 PM on September 17, 2007 [3 favorites]

jeebus, four panels, can we date and break up? i'd like to have some Tiffany jewelry.

AMP583, let it go. You're suggesting counseling for a nine month relationship. I can see why she wanted the space.
posted by sephira at 5:48 PM on September 17, 2007

Response by poster: I've had these issues of arguging, a slight temper, insecurity, etc, with everyone ive dated. it may have not been explosive or so bad of a problem but it definitely has caused hiccups. that is why i would seek conseling despite being together with her.
posted by AMP583 at 6:04 PM on September 17, 2007

mpls2 writes "I have to completely disagree with four panels... money absolutely positively cannot buy affection. Period. End of statement. It makes you look pathetic."

Craigslist/Erotic Services/Search: "gfe".
-X-

/derail, sorry

This question is lacking in detail. You say that there were some problems with 'slight temper' and immaturity. On who's part? If she's the one displaying immaturity, relax, she'll be back. Not that you should necessarily take her back, but she'll be back to play the game again. That's how immature people work.
posted by mullingitover at 6:05 PM on September 17, 2007

There is something going on that you can not change. Don't tempt her with flowers and expensive jewelery; that's just dumb. Not only is it dumb, but it signals to her that hurting you/breaking up is all she needs to do to get attention and gifts. Who wants a relationship like that.

Assume it is a breakup for good, and move on. If she comes back, great. But you'll have to decide if you want to continue in a relationship with her. Will she want another break in 9 months?

Don't wait; move on.
posted by birdlady at 6:06 PM on September 17, 2007 [2 favorites]

let her go. she's gone. you can't buy her back, and i would imagine she would be offended if you tried. she said she'll take it one day at a time because she thinks she's letting you down easier that way.

i would recommend seeing the counselor, though. if you have jealousy/insecurity/temper issues, maybe the thing is to get them in hand now, so that when you do meet another girl in the future, you'll be better prepared for the inevitable ups and downs.
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:15 PM on September 17, 2007

Relationship = over, and it sounds like for understandable reasons on her part. Even if you magically "change", she's always going to be remembering the fights and wondering how long it'll last this time. Not to mention that you're really more likely to fall back into bad habits when you're with someone that you've developed those bad habits with.

Make a clean break, move on, get your counseling. Hopefully after some counseling you can start a new, fresh relationship with someone who won't be wondering wtf you're going to do this time.
posted by anaelith at 6:18 PM on September 17, 2007

Can a relationship like ours ever work again?

No. And for what it's worth, it wasn't "working" before.
posted by ikkyu2 at 6:55 PM on September 17, 2007

There's someone else.
posted by trevyn at 5:32 PM on September 17 [+] [!]

Oh, come on, there's absolutely no way to tell that from the information provided. That said, I agree with Ufez Jones.
posted by the other side at 7:01 PM on September 17, 2007

There's someone else.

Thirded.
posted by ets960 at 7:36 PM on September 17, 2007

To begin with, bars are not made for relationships. Never go to a bar with your girlfriend. Ever.

Of course, to those of us who are A) secure in ourselves (and our relationships) and B) able to drink moderately, this is one of the most ludicrous generalizations that's ever been made.
posted by scody at 7:57 PM on September 17, 2007 [3 favorites]

Nobody is picking on the 100% perfect relationship with rainbows and unicorns and kissed frogs that turn into princes? If you seriously expect a relation to be 100% perfect, ever, well... Someone already linked to craigslist. Lots of red flags, here, mainly fighting while drunk. Not a good idea. Drunk arguments lead to going home with someone else (either the cops or that blonde) which (assuming it wasn't the cops, hopefully) leads to STDS and babies and child support and college tuition for whoops, Junior, and 40 years of bar-conceived angst from someone you named whoops Junior.
posted by Jacen at 8:10 PM on September 17, 2007

Sever, come back later.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:10 PM on September 17, 2007

Sure, people have gone on to have successful relationships with people they once broke up with. But in every case of the people I know that did this successfully, they moved on with their lives after breaking up, and the getting back together just sort of happened naturally after 1+ years of being apart. It never worked as you plan it (be separate until we seek help and feel as though personal issues are resolved) - in fact, I did that once myself and damn, was it a disaster.

If you want to see a counselor to improve yourself, by all means go ahead. But don't do it so that she'll take you back, and don't think that you've changed and therefore your relationship will be perfect now.

No one/relationship is perfect. If you're agreeing it's at 97% and she is yelling at you in bars that she wants to break up (and not changing her mind the next morning) - it's either not really 97% or there's something else going on. I'm reading your post as her wanting out. I'd let this one go, and good luck regardless.
posted by ml98tu at 8:43 PM on September 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

I'm where you are. Well... not really. My relationship was way worse than 97% perfect.

I'm pursuing it anyway. I've learned and can do the things to make it better now. Maybe she'll talk me back, maybe she won't. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't.

I'll feel better knowing I tried.

My cousin broke up with her husband for two months. That was over 8 years ago and things are as blissful as ever now.
posted by MrHappyGoLucky at 10:04 PM on September 17, 2007

"My girlfriend and i broke up, will we ever be successful?"

If you've decided that your relationship is "97% of the time great" and are arguing about why it's not 100% perfect? No, you will never be successful. Seriously, 97%?

That you are trying for 100% makes me (a) think you are both very young; (b) think one/both of you are looking for an excuse for to break up; (c) depressed in general: what are you going to do when you get to 100% of relationship capacity/happiness? Stop moving/living? Yuk.
posted by sfkiddo at 10:34 PM on September 17, 2007

If she chooses not to be with you, she's just not that into you.
posted by lampoil at 5:07 AM on September 18, 2007

I've had these issues of arguging, a slight temper, insecurity, etc, with everyone ive dated.

Just how bad is this "slight temper, insecurity, etc"? How does it manifest? What kind of stories could she be hearing from your exes? Because to me, her "we'll go about the break up one day at a time and see where it goes" sounds like she's trying to get out of this without pissing you off, trying to let you down gently. That would be a good strategy if I was dating someone who I feared would lose his temper at such news.

People usually don't ask for breaks from relationships that are 97% perfect unless that 3% is REALLY BAD. So either that's the case, or the 97% figure doesn't ring true for her.

If the issue is your temper, I would advise her not to get back together with you unless that is well and truly dealt with. If I WAS your girlfriend, I wouldn't be waiting around. I would advise you to let this go, deal with your issues, and do find a counsellor and learn what you can from them.
posted by heatherann at 5:49 AM on September 18, 2007

Hey, sounds like my relationship with my ex, who's now a grade-A crazy ho. You're better off without her, dude. Go out and date some more, you'll most certainly meet someone better...
posted by SpecialK at 5:53 AM on September 18, 2007

Since everyone seems to be basing their negative advice on previous personal experiences, here's a counterweight:

The positions were reversed with me and my ex. She just became too much for me, and we broke it off after a year. We stayed in touch as casual friends, and she resolved her issues without me in the picture. Long story short, that was 6 years ago, and we're very happily married now.

My guess would be that you are overcrowding her, and she is tired of propping up your insecurities. I assume that you are referring to a counselor for yourself, and not the two of you - that is a good thing. Couples counseling at this point - horrible idea. Sounds like you're the one that needs to resolve some issues, and unless you have someone that's going to unswervingly support you during the process, that's best done alone.
posted by chundo at 10:02 AM on September 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

From what she's said and how it went down I would say it's over, and furthermore you can do much better than her.

I agree with an earlier poster than bars aren't really couple-places to be. If it's all she wants to do she's not mature enough to be in a serious long-term relationship. This is true especially if things are great 97% of the time. If she can't deal with the inevitable 3% now, she'll never get better.
posted by PetiePal at 2:10 PM on September 19, 2007

Best answer: Chances are there's a problem she's not woman enough to discuss.

Here's my take:

If two people are willing to work, there's always hope. If only of you is willing to work, forget about it.
posted by MrHappyGoLucky at 12:55 PM on September 20, 2007 [1 favorite]