Birthday Battle: boyfriend/best friend

August 13, 2007 10:37 AM

Dueling birthday parties: boyfriend and best friend, both on Wednesday night. Help me decide what to do!

Here's the situation:
I had planned on going to my best friend's, which consists of a movie premiere with her and her coworkers, and then drinks with them and other friends in the city (NY).

Then my boyfriend emails an invite out last night for his birthday party in Redhook.

I am thinking of going to the movie with my best friend and then going to the Redhook party afterwards and skipping the drinks, but that means I wouldn't really be hanging out or celebrating with my best friend at all.

I can't schedule another night to celebrate with either of them because I am leaving for a few weeks on Friday.

Points on each side:
Best friend
-had the plans first
-already agreed to go
-wouldn't get to see her otherwise

Boyfriend
-newish relationship, don't want to screw it up
-haven't met his friends yet and this would be the chance
-had our first disagreement this weekend and want to make sure he knows I am "in it to win it"

posted by rmless to Human Relations (34 answers total)

If I were you I'd skip the movie, be there for the beginning of your boyfriend's party, and then hop over to have drinks and actually bond with your best friend. We just kind of sit there in the dark next to each other at movies, don't we? I don't know how the logistics would work out, but it seems like that might be a good compromise. You'd look good for being there at the beginning of your boyfriend's thing (prioritizing him!) but you'd really get the best of both options.
posted by you're a kitty! at 10:43 AM on August 13, 2007 [2 favorites]

Best friend - the boyfriend only gave your three days notice?!? That seems to me that he may not be "in it to win it".

Plus, you've already made the commitment to your best friend. Spend the whole time with her, and don't be checking your watch every two minutes hoping you can leave early to get to the party.
posted by saffry at 10:44 AM on August 13, 2007 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: TWF: I wish I could do that but I will be gone for a few weeks and can't take her with me!

YAK: sounds like an option, but I'd kind of rather end the night with my bf, if ya catch my drift...
posted by rmless at 10:46 AM on August 13, 2007

Sounds like you're just feeling bad about flaking on your friend to keep your new relationship in (seemingly) good standing. If it were me, my friend would forgive, after some groveling.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:49 AM on August 13, 2007

I've gotta go with saffry on this one. Don't be THAT GIRL who ditches her friends over some new flame who didn't even tell her about his birthday party until 3 days before hand. If the relationship is new, you've got to learn him that you can't be expected to drop everything and come running whenever he remembers to invite you somewhere.
posted by dumbledore69 at 11:02 AM on August 13, 2007 [8 favorites]

Re: you're a kitty!'s suggestion: You're already "bonded" with your best friend. She'll understand if you only attend the movie and spend a shorter time with them. Plus, it's the boyfriend's birthday. Relax and spend it with him, meet his friends, and end the night with each other since you want to do that.

Don't feel guilty, your friend will understand, especially since it's the guy's birthday.
posted by cmgonzalez at 11:04 AM on August 13, 2007

Don't ditch your befri over a man who informs you via EMAIL of his birthday party. Men don't get turned on when they can so easily get their g/fs to ditch their friends.

Solidarity is hot.
posted by letahl at 11:09 AM on August 13, 2007

Best answer: I say girlfriend's party till late--
then late night climb in to bed with boyfriend ( if we are at that stage).
posted by beccaj at 11:13 AM on August 13, 2007

I would have to agree that a guy who's reached the label of "boyfriend" (that is, not just some guy you're dating) who doesn't check with you before sending out birthday party invitations, or at least mention the date ahead of time to make sure you're free, deserves neither the label nor the right to force you to drop your friends. (Nor does he have any right to lecture you on being "in it to win it.")

You had previous plans. Your boyfriend was inconsiderate in giving you notice about a big event in his life. If you want the relationship to stay stable, set some boundaries here.
posted by occhiblu at 11:13 AM on August 13, 2007 [2 favorites]

Take your friend out to an early dinner before the movie, go to the movie, then go to Redhook.
posted by Eringatang at 11:14 AM on August 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Go to the movies with your best friend, and stay for a quick drink afterwards. You already told her you'd be there, don't ditch out. Meet your boyfriend and his friends for a late-night redezous.

I would never prioritize a newish boyfriend who gave me short notice over a best friend, which probably explains why I've had the same best friend since I was five years old. Besides, your boyfriend will get to spend some time alone with his friends, and they'll probably be feeling quite merry and relaxed by the time you arrive!
posted by emd3737 at 11:24 AM on August 13, 2007

Screw your friends party (she'll understand), then screw your boyfriend.
posted by maxpower at 11:24 AM on August 13, 2007

go to the boyfriend's party. it's a best friend's job to be understanding about these things.
posted by wayward vagabond at 11:29 AM on August 13, 2007

The polite thing to do (and the only option, per Emily Post) would be to decline your boyfriend's invitation and go forward with your original plans. But life isn't perfect. I say, talk to your friend, suss out (without making a big drama) whether she'd be offended or supportive, then act accordingly.

nb: With 3 days notice and a Wednesday night, your boyfriend has to be expecting some people won't be able to make it, so no-show is low-risk. But if you want to ensure you're still on his mind even if you're with your pals, call the bar and pay for a bottle of his favorite celebration libation (add a tip for the bartender).
posted by nkknkk at 11:38 AM on August 13, 2007

Best answer: Do not ditch your friend. You can always meet up with your boyfriend and his friends later that night, after you've had a few drinks with your best friend.

I'm a guy, and to me, nothing is more unattractive than a girl who drops all of her friends to spend time with a guy, especially if the guy is new. That just smacks of desperation.

You have nothing to lose by making your boyfriend wait a few hours for you to arrive. Tell him that you already have a birthday to go to, but you'll leave a little early and will swing by toward the end of the night. You'll earn extra points with him for making the effort to see him even though you already had plans.
posted by Gojira at 11:43 AM on August 13, 2007

Then my boyfriend emails an invite out last night for his birthday party in Redhook.

Your boyfriend emailed you an invite?!

I can't schedule another night to celebrate with either of them because I am leaving for a few weeks on Friday.

It's currently Monday. What about Tuesday or Thursday? That would be perfect for bonding time with either one, then the other gets the majority or all of your time Wednesday night.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:47 AM on August 13, 2007

Prioritize your best friend over the newish boyfriend, with whom you have already had at least one major argument, and who sends out a form-letter email invitation to you three days before the event, which suggests 1) he isn't prioritizing you; 2) he is just inviting you out of a sense of duty; or 3) he actually is holding the party this night so he can be with his guy friends, knowing you already have your best friend's party to go to.

Go to her party, have the drinks, and then call and see what state he is in. You can always join him for some private time after everyone else has gone.
posted by misha at 11:48 AM on August 13, 2007

Dropping everything for a new beau will seem nice to him now, but also give him the signal (conscious or unconscious) that he can pull more of this shit (three days? e-mail?!) in the future. If you think you have the nerve, or if he gets pissy that you didn't come to his party, tell him that you've known your girl longer than him, you've known about her party longer than his, and it's really not fair for him to expect you to drop everything to be with him on his special day, with such short and poor notice.
While you are doing this, offer to wine and dine him, etc. for his birthday on tuesday or thursday.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 12:21 PM on August 13, 2007

I vote best friend. Three days and email means he can be understanding if you can't make it (does he already know about the plans)? If he isn't understanding, then maybe he's not "in it to win it." Take the boyfriend out Tuesday or Thursday for dinner to celebrate.

What does your friend think though? If she's the type to encourage you to go and won't hold a grudge, check in with her just in case and otherwise go be with the boyfriend.
posted by ml98tu at 12:35 PM on August 13, 2007

I am in complete agreement with everyone who says don't drop your plans for a guy who emails (mass emails, I'm assuming) you an invite for his birthday party.

Your best friend should have priority here.
posted by KAS at 12:36 PM on August 13, 2007

I agree with most of the other answerers that your friend has priority, and that if your boyfriend wouldn't admire you for your loyalty and strength of character, he is not the one for you.

However, I think you should go to the boyfriend's birthday party instead of your friend's. The email invitation 3 days before the party is so questionable that you must get more information about this guy before allowing yourself to get any deeper into the relationship.

Seeing how he treats you in front of his friends, how he treats his friends, whether they love him, fear him or have contempt for him, and how they treat you-- not to mention seeing whether they are even good people in the first place, is so critical to your future that you cannot afford not to go to his party. Another opportunity like it may not come for a year, and by then you would probably be in too far to back out without hurting yourself and him.

Don't get drunk, either. You will need all your wits about you for your mission.

Explain it to your friend in these terms. She will understand.
posted by jamjam at 12:37 PM on August 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

Best answer: The guy made a mistake, that's all. He doesn't have a habit of planning ahead, he's not used to coordinating his social calendar with yours. Now you're in the unfortunate position of having to miss one of these events. It wouldn't be fair for your boyfriend to fault you for going to your girlfriend's birthday evening, but when a person is embarrassed and in the wrong, he might get defensive or angry. So when you talk with him about it, make it clear that you know he was just being spontaneous, and that you really wish you could go to both parties.

I don't know which party you should go to. But I do know that your best friend would have a legitimate reason to feel slighted if you decided not to hang out with her and the girls -- and the boyfriend has no right to be upset with you if you don't go to his party.

I can see that this is going to be disappointing or inconvenient for you no matter what. Be very kind and calm about it with your guy -- give him every opportunity to be gracious. He probably will see see your point of view, and know that if you compromise, you do it not because he deserves it, but because you want to. If you're even-tempered and honest and he's ungracious, that'll tell you something important about him.
posted by wryly at 12:42 PM on August 13, 2007

Best answer: Good lord, y'all are reading way too much into this. The odds of this being about you in any way are infinitesimal. Odds are he just flaked out and forgot to send invitations until last night. The probability that he is sending any sort of hidden message that he is inviting you out of duty and really wants to just be with his dude friends is very, very low. The probability that it has any conscious correlation with how he views your budding relationship is even lower. And of course he emailed it. That's the most sensible way to reach even a small number of people, and it's an informal birthday party, not a wedding or funeral for God's sake.

Some kinds of people will be pissy about you missing their birthday party, and it won't matter whether you missed it because you intentionally insulted them or because you had been shot and were in the ICU. Other kinds of people won't mind so long as you don't seem to be intentionally insulting them, and so long as you don't accept and then blow it off for a party that costs per-guest. You have no control over which type of person your boyfriend is, but this is a chance to find out.

However, the idea that Mr. X might invite someone to a birthday party, and then react to an "I can't make it" with "admiration of your loyalty and strength of character" is laughable on its face. This is not a response any human would actually have, ever in human history, anywhere. It is at best the sort of lie someone might tell themselves to cover how pissed off they are.

Men don't get turned on when they can so easily get their g/fs to ditch their friends.

Solidarity is hot.

This is crazy talk, pure and simple from the eighth dimension.

Do whichever you'd rather do. If it's the best friend, tell Mr. X and meet up with him before or after. If you're at that point, fuck him silly. If you're almost at that point, this is a handy opportunity to be at that point.

jamjam is on to something about Mr. X's party being more useful or informative to you than another evening out with the girlfriends.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:41 PM on August 13, 2007

If you guys break up a month or so from now, which are you going to wish you had done?

Do that.
posted by heatherann at 1:55 PM on August 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

I'm with You're a Kitty on this one, but will also say this: a considerate person (who will also be upset if you don't show up) will put you on the short list of people to check with before scheduling a party.

If you wait until the last minute, and you don't clear it with the few key people you should (best friend, boy/girlfriend, relatives you want there) then you should be expecting those people might not be able to make it.

And of course, if he then gets upset if you don't, it's almost like he set you up to fail, isn't it?
posted by davejay at 2:03 PM on August 13, 2007

eh, I was siding with the best friend until I read jamjam's post. She's right. Time to figure out what kind of guy he is. Make it up to your best friend later.
posted by desjardins at 2:34 PM on August 13, 2007

BTW, just because he sent an e-mail for his birthday 3 days before doesn't make him a jerk. Mine is this Friday. Ask me what I have planned at the moment...
posted by apetpsychic at 3:22 PM on August 13, 2007

Best answer: What does your best friend think you should do? Do that. What are best friends for, anyway?
posted by ikkyu2 at 4:17 PM on August 13, 2007

I am thinking of going to the movie with my best friend and then going to the Redhook party afterwards and skipping the drinks.

I think this is your best bet. You want to be in both places at the same time, you can be there for your friend and spend time with your guy.

In defense of the guy - for all we know he didn't have plans until 5 minutes before he sent out that email. Also, so what if he sent out an email - welcome to (...wait for it...wait for it...) THE YEAR 2000.
posted by ASM at 4:29 PM on August 13, 2007

See, this is why I never get into a relationship so close to my birthday. But then... I also think it's pompous to plan your own b-day party, it's always felt to me like you're demanding praise.

That having been said - throw my vote in the "go with your friend" hat. While this might be a perfect opportunity to meet his friends, it's an even more important opportunity to find out if you should really be holding off all other potential dating opportunities for him. If he's cool, he'll understand your going w/your friend. If he's not, then you just saved yourselves weeks/months/years of potentially terrible relations.

I don't know how you define "newish", but having already gotten into an argument that was important enough to warrant mention here doesn't bode well.
posted by revmitcz at 4:32 PM on August 13, 2007

take friend for early dinner or bday manicure or some sort of early-evening treat. give her a fabulous and physically small present that she can easily carry around all night (earrings she can wear right away?) and maybe show off to girlfriends as a symbol of your love.

probably you shuld skip the movie, who cares about movies, you'll all just ignore each other. use that time to get into the city in time to make a late appearance at boyfriend's thing. definitely get there late, be a bit too cool for him.

duck into a hotel lobby washroom, pretty yourself up, then proceed to the bar around 11 or midnight to meet boyfriend's friends and knock their socks off for 2 hours, then go home and have sex with boyfriend. ta da!
posted by twistofrhyme at 9:42 PM on August 13, 2007

A friend of mine (lets call her Jill) was in a similar situation once, where she'd been asked out by a new guy Bob, but would have had to stand up another friend Leslie. I said 'Ask Leslie's advice. She did. Leslie unselfishly said 'Go for it' and Jill and Bob have been together ever sense.

So: Ask your best friend what to do.
posted by happyturtle at 11:34 PM on August 13, 2007

What does your best friend think you should do? Do that. What are best friends for, anyway?
posted by ikkyu2

QFE
posted by slimepuppy at 2:26 AM on August 14, 2007

Response by poster: Thanks for all the advice, I talked to the best friend and she was very understanding, told me to do whatever I wanted and that we could celebrate when I come back in a few weeks (these other days before I leave are not an option for either of us, otherwise I would have tried that).
I told her I'd do the movie and a drink and then go out to bf's party.
Then I talked to the bf, and he was also very understanding and told me to do whatever I wanted, and mentioned that his party might not even happen because of the last-minute invitation send (yes, he knows that was a mistake).

So, I'm going to go with the best friend for most of the night, and call him when I feel ready to leave, and see if he's still up to continue the party.
posted by rmless at 8:58 AM on August 14, 2007