June 20, 2007 9:41 PM   Subscribe

(PISS FILTER) A guest just relieved himself on my futon.

Happened within the last hour, I'm so mad I can hardly contain myself. I stripped the bed and promptly threw the blankets in the wash. However the mattress has been soaked through. Besides burning the futon, what are my options?
posted by CoinOp to Pets & Animals (26 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
posted by puke & cry at 9:46 PM on June 20, 2007

I'm so sorry. A first few places to look...
how can I clean urine out of my couch?
dog peed on my couch
cat peed on my bag
cat peed on car seat
posted by LobsterMitten at 9:46 PM on June 20, 2007

Best answer: Make him buy you another mattress.
posted by pieoverdone at 9:49 PM on June 20, 2007 [3 favorites]

I agree with pieoverdone's answer.
posted by amyms at 9:51 PM on June 20, 2007

Continue soaking with sparkling water,TheCO2 breaks down the piss smell a bit, then lots of sunshine. pieoverdone has a good point.
posted by hortense at 9:55 PM on June 20, 2007

Channel all of your anger into laying down the law (gently, if possible), and then don't make a big deal of it. They're probably dying a thousand deaths right now (for more reasons than one, I suspect). When your guest is awake/sober/remorseful, make it clear how they can fix it, and be firm. They very likely don't want to get into an argument with you about what's "fair"...but be fair. I think that pieoverdone has it.
posted by iamkimiam at 9:57 PM on June 20, 2007

This won't help you now, but for the future, you can buy waterproof mattress covers that are perfectly soft and not even a little crinkly.

Also, if they're still around, chewing them out might make you feel better.
posted by Mr. President Dr. Steve Elvis America at 9:58 PM on June 20, 2007

How "soaked"? Working at summer camp, we frequently had kids who'd wet the bed now and again; we usually had acceptable results with simple sunshine, wind, and time.
some suggestions in this thread over at ask-yahoo, er answers-yahoo.
posted by nomisxid at 10:01 PM on June 20, 2007

I'm confused by the category you posted this in... was your guest human or not?
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:08 PM on June 20, 2007

Human or not, it's all about sunshine now. Pray for a few sunny days, or...what pieoverdone said.
posted by metasav at 10:20 PM on June 20, 2007

My guess is it's a cat or a dog.
posted by ORthey at 10:26 PM on June 20, 2007

Response by poster: Sorry, human ... anger got the best of me with tags. :/
posted by CoinOp at 10:40 PM on June 20, 2007

(hey, CoinOp, would you mind also tagging it "pee" and "urine"?)
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:43 PM on June 20, 2007

Best answer: Besides burning the futon, what are my options?

1. Come to terms with the transient nature of all things... if your futon hadn't been peed on, it would nevertheless eventually fall apart and decompose.

2. What's bettter, a peed futon and you angry, or a peed futon and you calm and happy? At this point a non-peed futon isn't an option, so which of those two are more suitable?

3. Would you feel better if things were even? You could pee in his suitcase / backpack.
posted by Meatbomb at 10:43 PM on June 20, 2007 [16 favorites]

Try bicarb soda and sunshine. If that fails, there's a product called Nil Odor, which is very effective— a few drops will get rid of any stench.

Good luck.
posted by indienial at 11:28 PM on June 20, 2007

I dont know if you have FeBreeze where you are but its great for getting the smell out of things you can put in the wash. It wont get rid of any stain but as indienial suggest bicarb might get it out.
I dont think having a go at your guest will help, it certainly wont turn back time and make the futon any less peed on. He feels bad enough - or he will when he's sober.
posted by missmagenta at 12:14 AM on June 21, 2007

As mentioned in some of the above links, a very generous soaking of Nature's Miracle (and the very long time it takes to completely dry) works as well on human pee as it does on animal pee. It's also does a nice job on drunk human vomit smell as well.
posted by mostlymartha at 12:16 AM on June 21, 2007

Don't go through all the trouble of cleaning it. This guy is buying you a new mattress.
posted by Roman Graves at 1:04 AM on June 21, 2007

New mattress, yeah. Otherwise best not to wet the mattress further as it just spreads the smell (but if it's soaked through... well...) Usually works best to painstakingly wick out us much wet as you can with towels, until no futher moisture comes up, liberally sprinkle the soiled area with bicarbonate of soda (it's a deodorant), then after a while hoover it up and leave the mattress in a well aired place to dry (preferably out in the sun). Don't even think about putting it back on the base until it's totally dried through - leave it for a couple of days at least.
posted by bifter at 2:29 AM on June 21, 2007

urea breaks down into ammonia and then into nitrogen. You can speed this process up by sticking it in the hot sun and you should be fine.
posted by singingfish at 4:12 AM on June 21, 2007

New mattress, definitely, and ASAP.
posted by boomchicka at 4:13 AM on June 21, 2007

Best answer: Even if you manage to achieve some semblance of cleanliness in the futon, you will always think of it as "the piss-stained futon." You will not feel comfortable sleeping or sitting on it. You will not feel comfortable having guests sleep on it.

Get a new one, regardless of whether the guest pays for it (which he should).
posted by jayder at 4:47 AM on June 21, 2007

Clean it as above then sell it on Craigslist (they need never know). And get the guy to buy you a new one.
posted by TrashyRambo at 5:24 AM on June 21, 2007

Assuming this is a post-drinking pee, odds are it was 99% water anyways, and did not have a strong pee odor. For whatever that's worth, anyways...accidents happen.
posted by inigo2 at 6:04 AM on June 21, 2007

Please do not sell it on Craigslist, even after it's been completely cleaned, without full disclosure. Or at least put it in the Free section and have the guy buy you a new one.
posted by Nathanial Hörnblowér at 8:24 AM on June 21, 2007

Offer to sell the mattress to the guest for the price of a new one.
posted by BrotherCaine at 5:09 PM on June 21, 2007

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