Never put pictures on the internet you wouldn't want your neighbor to see.
May 31, 2007 6:15 PM Subscribe
An acquaintance I see fairly regularly made it pretty easy for people to find him on an online forum that he probably thought would stay private from people he actually knew in real life. Being the curious sort I am, I followed the clearly marked trail, and now I know personal things I'd rather not.
Nothing illegal or anything, just more than I'm comfortable with at the level of our relationship. It would also be easy for anyone with a minimal amount of curiosity and internet know-how to find the same things. So what should I do now? Pretend I know nothing? Oblivion seems far more comfortable to me than the alternative, but doesn't seem realistic for the long run. Do you have any suggestions on how to tactfully deal with this situation to minimize embarrassment for everyone involved?
Nothing illegal or anything, just more than I'm comfortable with at the level of our relationship. It would also be easy for anyone with a minimal amount of curiosity and internet know-how to find the same things. So what should I do now? Pretend I know nothing? Oblivion seems far more comfortable to me than the alternative, but doesn't seem realistic for the long run. Do you have any suggestions on how to tactfully deal with this situation to minimize embarrassment for everyone involved?
I had something sort of like this happen once with some guy I was interviewing to possibly hire. The URL on his resume was basically one click away from inappropriate-picturesville.
I think probably just ignoring it is the way to go.
posted by aubilenon at 6:20 PM on May 31, 2007
I think probably just ignoring it is the way to go.
posted by aubilenon at 6:20 PM on May 31, 2007
You could mention it as a story relating to a third party:
"These days, you never know what data Google has stored about you. A friend of mine was applying for a job, the person hiring looked him up, and learned about some of his embarassing but innocuous interests. It's one more thing a person needs to keep track of, these days..."
posted by sindark at 6:21 PM on May 31, 2007
"These days, you never know what data Google has stored about you. A friend of mine was applying for a job, the person hiring looked him up, and learned about some of his embarassing but innocuous interests. It's one more thing a person needs to keep track of, these days..."
posted by sindark at 6:21 PM on May 31, 2007
The guy is a grown-up; his privacy is his lookout.
Pretend you never saw it.
I think the anonymous e-mail is kind of creepy. Getting an e-mail like that would make me feel paranoid as hell.
posted by ottereroticist at 6:23 PM on May 31, 2007
Pretend you never saw it.
I think the anonymous e-mail is kind of creepy. Getting an e-mail like that would make me feel paranoid as hell.
posted by ottereroticist at 6:23 PM on May 31, 2007
You should not give him an anonymous heads up- he will drive himself crazy wondering who in his life knows. I think you should contact him in an appropriate way based on your relationship and let him know you know whatever you know. It doesn't have to be an OMG serious conversation; you see him at the bar Friday night, you get him alone and say, "Hey Tom! I was looking at your MySpace page, and noticed you sometimes participate in orgies with chickens! How long have you been interested in that?" Small talk, nice and casual.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:25 PM on May 31, 2007 [4 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:25 PM on May 31, 2007 [4 favorites]
I think Sindark has the right idea. Nice and 3rd person-ish and no one needs to mention the whole MySpace/Chicken servicer thing.
posted by Razzle Bathbone at 6:31 PM on May 31, 2007
posted by Razzle Bathbone at 6:31 PM on May 31, 2007
Do you really think you can send him a creepy anonymous warning and continue as normal in real life? Do not send some weird email, ignore it.
posted by fire&wings at 6:35 PM on May 31, 2007
posted by fire&wings at 6:35 PM on May 31, 2007
Being the curious sort I am, I followed the clearly marked trail, and now I know personal things I'd rather not.
Um, can you be more specific? Or at least generalise about the content? Is it kiddy porn? Medical issues? Attitudes towards people of other religions or races?
The thing is that anybody even remotely au fait with the intarwebs should know to take online things with a massive grain of salt. I think it's far too easy for somebody indulging in a bit of casual snooping to take a bit of text on some website as some kind of gospel insight into that person's character (this could be related to the psychology of snooping), but you really don't ever know for sure what that person had in mind when posting.
It could be trolling, it could be a borrowed username (I've considered using xteraco in various forums, for example), he could be posting tongue-in-cheek, he could be just assing around for the fun of it, researching a novel, leaving his computer logged in for his flatmates to use, anything. You really don't know & shouldn't jump to conclusions.
(oh, just noticed the heading. pictures on internet? dirty ones?)
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:47 PM on May 31, 2007
Um, can you be more specific? Or at least generalise about the content? Is it kiddy porn? Medical issues? Attitudes towards people of other religions or races?
The thing is that anybody even remotely au fait with the intarwebs should know to take online things with a massive grain of salt. I think it's far too easy for somebody indulging in a bit of casual snooping to take a bit of text on some website as some kind of gospel insight into that person's character (this could be related to the psychology of snooping), but you really don't ever know for sure what that person had in mind when posting.
It could be trolling, it could be a borrowed username (I've considered using xteraco in various forums, for example), he could be posting tongue-in-cheek, he could be just assing around for the fun of it, researching a novel, leaving his computer logged in for his flatmates to use, anything. You really don't know & shouldn't jump to conclusions.
(oh, just noticed the heading. pictures on internet? dirty ones?)
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:47 PM on May 31, 2007
Nth-ing "just ignore it"
posted by chrisamiller at 6:48 PM on May 31, 2007
posted by chrisamiller at 6:48 PM on May 31, 2007
What do you do when the person sitting next to you on the bus farts?
posted by Chuckles at 6:57 PM on May 31, 2007
posted by Chuckles at 6:57 PM on May 31, 2007
Look not through keyholes, lest you be vexed.
Go out for drinks with the guy, and after you've all had a few let slip what you found.
posted by sbutler at 7:03 PM on May 31, 2007
Go out for drinks with the guy, and after you've all had a few let slip what you found.
posted by sbutler at 7:03 PM on May 31, 2007
Listen, I made the mistake of making some very intimate thoughts accessible via the greater intertubes a few years ago. It was all very juvenile stuff, and most of it I didn't mean. Even though I very clearly said, "This is a place for me to just bullshit and brain-dump", it got taken seriously, and ended up getting passed around.
I knew what I was doing when I put it up, but I never imagined that my "crowd" could have discovered it. It caused a lot of consternation, even though it was pulled down immediately and squirreled away into my own dungeons.
The moral of the story is tell him you found it, don't tell anyone else, and let him take that as he may.
posted by TheNewWazoo at 7:10 PM on May 31, 2007 [1 favorite]
I knew what I was doing when I put it up, but I never imagined that my "crowd" could have discovered it. It caused a lot of consternation, even though it was pulled down immediately and squirreled away into my own dungeons.
The moral of the story is tell him you found it, don't tell anyone else, and let him take that as he may.
posted by TheNewWazoo at 7:10 PM on May 31, 2007 [1 favorite]
Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Many years ago I went fishing to see what business my cousin and his partner were operating. The fact that they were selling fetish gear was surprising enough, but to see that they modeled it too? Those were images I could do without.
That life was separate from the life he shared with our family, and it was my problem that I crossed that line. Not his. And it's your friend's private life that you pried into as well. Just let it go.
posted by saffry at 7:25 PM on May 31, 2007
That life was separate from the life he shared with our family, and it was my problem that I crossed that line. Not his. And it's your friend's private life that you pried into as well. Just let it go.
posted by saffry at 7:25 PM on May 31, 2007
"Being the curious sort I am, I followed the clearly marked trail, and now I know personal things I'd rather not.
Nothing illegal or anything, just more than I'm comfortable with at the level of our relationship."
Well, you did google him! If it wouldn't seem out of character for you, I think you should follow sindark's advice and tell him a story about someone else who had put too much on the internet and been burned.
posted by Lucie at 7:27 PM on May 31, 2007
Nothing illegal or anything, just more than I'm comfortable with at the level of our relationship."
Well, you did google him! If it wouldn't seem out of character for you, I think you should follow sindark's advice and tell him a story about someone else who had put too much on the internet and been burned.
posted by Lucie at 7:27 PM on May 31, 2007
Best answer: The only normal people there are are people you haven't really gotten to know yet.
His not-so-hidden-on-the-internet skeletons are likely no worse than tons of other people you know -- you just don't know that junk about them.
As others have said - ignore it. But I add: with the peace of mind that all of your other friends/acquaintances are equally as screwed up, though perhaps in other ways/areas.
posted by twiggy at 7:54 PM on May 31, 2007
His not-so-hidden-on-the-internet skeletons are likely no worse than tons of other people you know -- you just don't know that junk about them.
As others have said - ignore it. But I add: with the peace of mind that all of your other friends/acquaintances are equally as screwed up, though perhaps in other ways/areas.
posted by twiggy at 7:54 PM on May 31, 2007
(hoping it's not me)
Is it something that he can unmark / edit / delete?
If so, the solution would be to let him know, off the cuff that you saw a post (or whatever) from him on the forum. You don't give the impression that you saw any posts with TMI, but he should clue on pretty quick that it's only a matter of time until you DO see posts with TMI, and will hopefully go in and edit/delete/secure what needs to be edited/deleted/secured.
posted by -harlequin- at 8:35 PM on May 31, 2007
Is it something that he can unmark / edit / delete?
If so, the solution would be to let him know, off the cuff that you saw a post (or whatever) from him on the forum. You don't give the impression that you saw any posts with TMI, but he should clue on pretty quick that it's only a matter of time until you DO see posts with TMI, and will hopefully go in and edit/delete/secure what needs to be edited/deleted/secured.
posted by -harlequin- at 8:35 PM on May 31, 2007
My recent analogue to this is that my six-year-old's best friend repeated some very unflattering things her mother had said about my parenting the other day. This followed several months of us occasionally hearing embarrassing-but-mostly-harmless snippets of marital spats and suchlike. Even the unflattering things were nothing I was surprised by and no worse than my own reflections on her parenting (we have very different parenting styles; I think she's too controlling, she thinks I'm borderline negligent, yawn).
I wondered whether I should tell the mom that she needed to be more careful about what she said in front of her daughter, but I couldn't see any way that conversation would be anything but excruciating for both of us. I didn't want to get into the specifics of what her daughter repeated, and just telling her, "Your kid has been repeating things you probably don't want me to hear" seemed like it would be torturous to her, as she mentally inventoried every embarrassing event or slip of the tongue she's had in the last five years. After some reflection, my partner and I decided that this was a cautionary tale for us, a reminder to be more mindful about the conversations we have in front of our own little kids, but that we shouldn't say anything to the mom.
Chatty five-year-old=internet. Just let it go.
posted by not that girl at 9:23 PM on May 31, 2007
I wondered whether I should tell the mom that she needed to be more careful about what she said in front of her daughter, but I couldn't see any way that conversation would be anything but excruciating for both of us. I didn't want to get into the specifics of what her daughter repeated, and just telling her, "Your kid has been repeating things you probably don't want me to hear" seemed like it would be torturous to her, as she mentally inventoried every embarrassing event or slip of the tongue she's had in the last five years. After some reflection, my partner and I decided that this was a cautionary tale for us, a reminder to be more mindful about the conversations we have in front of our own little kids, but that we shouldn't say anything to the mom.
Chatty five-year-old=internet. Just let it go.
posted by not that girl at 9:23 PM on May 31, 2007
Let's say you noticed that an acquaintance was 'flying the flag at half mast'. What would you do?
Now, if you come back to me and say, "Being the curious sort I am, I peered in, and now I know things I'd rather not," all I have to say is "Whose fault is that?"
If, on the other hand, you report catching the person alone, affecting a posh accent, and murmuring, "It is my duty to advise you in confidence that you've come unzipped," you get full marks.
Or you could wait for a lull in the conversation and then tell everyone about it in your loudest voice. I mean, I do.
posted by eritain at 9:50 PM on May 31, 2007
Now, if you come back to me and say, "Being the curious sort I am, I peered in, and now I know things I'd rather not," all I have to say is "Whose fault is that?"
If, on the other hand, you report catching the person alone, affecting a posh accent, and murmuring, "It is my duty to advise you in confidence that you've come unzipped," you get full marks.
Or you could wait for a lull in the conversation and then tell everyone about it in your loudest voice. I mean, I do.
posted by eritain at 9:50 PM on May 31, 2007
He might not care that people he knows can find the thing-that-would-embarass-you. I'd use the third person story if you are concerned that he wants to keep it private. Use a topic for the story that has nothing to do with what you found.
Oblivion seems far more comfortable to me than the alternative, but doesn't seem realistic for the long run.
If it doesn't affect you, try to forget you saw it. Finding out things you wish you didn't know is the price of curiousity. If you can't handle it, don't snoop.
posted by yohko at 11:50 PM on May 31, 2007 [1 favorite]
Oblivion seems far more comfortable to me than the alternative, but doesn't seem realistic for the long run.
If it doesn't affect you, try to forget you saw it. Finding out things you wish you didn't know is the price of curiousity. If you can't handle it, don't snoop.
posted by yohko at 11:50 PM on May 31, 2007 [1 favorite]
Best answer: The problem here is that it's bothering YOU. Get over it, really. People do weird, messed up stuff and that's ok. You said it wasn't anything illegal, so there's no need to be alarmed or bring in the authorities, so just be an adult and deal with your own issues with it.
Then be an adult and point out to the person how easy it was to get the info. Sure, it might embarassing between the two of you, but since the point of us being here is help our fellow man, make sure he's aware of it and go about your life.
Hell, suppose it was you with the embarassing stuff on the web? Would you rather someone ignored it or would you rather that someone, anyone, cared enough about you as a human being to point it out and make sure you're aware of it?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:26 AM on June 1, 2007 [2 favorites]
Then be an adult and point out to the person how easy it was to get the info. Sure, it might embarassing between the two of you, but since the point of us being here is help our fellow man, make sure he's aware of it and go about your life.
Hell, suppose it was you with the embarassing stuff on the web? Would you rather someone ignored it or would you rather that someone, anyone, cared enough about you as a human being to point it out and make sure you're aware of it?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:26 AM on June 1, 2007 [2 favorites]
Add it to your "stuff I have on people in case I ever need to have anything on them" file. Then move on.
posted by reklaw at 6:00 AM on June 1, 2007
posted by reklaw at 6:00 AM on June 1, 2007
If you're not trying to hire this guy or date him, he's probably going to be put off that you were Googling him. I would find it kinda stalkerish, even though the pictures are ostensibly available to everyone. Just because someone leaves a photo album on the conference table at work doesn't mean everyone has the right to rifle through it. If the guy had an expectation of privacy, then treat the pictures as if they were private.
posted by desjardins at 6:34 AM on June 1, 2007
posted by desjardins at 6:34 AM on June 1, 2007
he probably thought would stay private from people he actually knew in real life.
I followed the clearly marked trail, and now I know personal things I'd rather not.
Perhaps he does not particularly care. Perhaps he figures that it's not worth being paranoid. Hey, perhaps he's an exhibitionist.
The problem here is yours, not his. Decide whether or not intervention is necessary and/or appropriate.
For instance, if he is a generally naive person, or you suspect that he truly does not understand that this information is out there for the world to see, then perhaps you should say something.
If you just want to scrub your eyes and banish the embarassment you felt at your discovery by making HIM feel embarassed instead (like getting a song out of your head by getting it stuck in someone else's head), I'd say that you should suck it up and keep your nose out of his business.
posted by desuetude at 7:03 AM on June 1, 2007
I followed the clearly marked trail, and now I know personal things I'd rather not.
Perhaps he does not particularly care. Perhaps he figures that it's not worth being paranoid. Hey, perhaps he's an exhibitionist.
The problem here is yours, not his. Decide whether or not intervention is necessary and/or appropriate.
For instance, if he is a generally naive person, or you suspect that he truly does not understand that this information is out there for the world to see, then perhaps you should say something.
If you just want to scrub your eyes and banish the embarassment you felt at your discovery by making HIM feel embarassed instead (like getting a song out of your head by getting it stuck in someone else's head), I'd say that you should suck it up and keep your nose out of his business.
posted by desuetude at 7:03 AM on June 1, 2007
I'm surprised that more people haven't suggested that he wanted (on some level) this information to be found.
He "made it pretty easy for people to find him on an online forum" and he "left a clearly marked trail?"
Sounds to me like he's - for some reason or another, which I could only speculate about - wanting (if only abstractly) for the trail to be followed.
Still, the doesn't answer the question of what *you* do about it. That has only to do with how telling him or not telling him would alter your relationship for better or worse. If you can look past it, why rock the boat?
posted by prophetsearcher at 10:58 AM on June 1, 2007
He "made it pretty easy for people to find him on an online forum" and he "left a clearly marked trail?"
Sounds to me like he's - for some reason or another, which I could only speculate about - wanting (if only abstractly) for the trail to be followed.
Still, the doesn't answer the question of what *you* do about it. That has only to do with how telling him or not telling him would alter your relationship for better or worse. If you can look past it, why rock the boat?
posted by prophetsearcher at 10:58 AM on June 1, 2007
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posted by Razzle Bathbone at 6:19 PM on May 31, 2007