Will I regret never playing the field?
May 8, 2007 9:20 AM Subscribe
Only ever had one (great) girlfriend. Will I regret never playing the field?
I met my girlfriend early during university and we've been together nearly a decade. We complement each other, have great chemistry, share similar values and interests, and though things are not nearly as rosy as they were in the beginning, we still have great times together, genuinely enjoy each other's company, and I could see myself spending the rest of my life with this woman.
On the other hand, she is my first and only relationship. We still live in our own places. She's religious so we've never had sex or even fooled around. She doesn't want to get married anytime soon. These things bother me, but aren't deal-breakers.
With my 20s nearing their end, I feel like I've missed out on the singles and dating excitement that peers have all been able to enjoy. When they sadly list their past failed relationships, I'm secretly jealous that they've had multiple first dates, many first kisses, and physical relationships with different people. It seems like it'd be fun to casually date someone or date someone quieter/louder or more different from myself, to see what I like. I'm not very outgoing around women, have no dating experience, and I don't meet a lot of women, so I'm under no illusions that this change would be perfectly better.
I'm torn. Is this just the grass being greener on the other side? I know I have something great, but how do I even know it's great if I've never had anything else?
Which will I regret more? Breaking it off with someone I truly love and never finding anyone better, or never experiencing life as a bachelor?
I met my girlfriend early during university and we've been together nearly a decade. We complement each other, have great chemistry, share similar values and interests, and though things are not nearly as rosy as they were in the beginning, we still have great times together, genuinely enjoy each other's company, and I could see myself spending the rest of my life with this woman.
On the other hand, she is my first and only relationship. We still live in our own places. She's religious so we've never had sex or even fooled around. She doesn't want to get married anytime soon. These things bother me, but aren't deal-breakers.
With my 20s nearing their end, I feel like I've missed out on the singles and dating excitement that peers have all been able to enjoy. When they sadly list their past failed relationships, I'm secretly jealous that they've had multiple first dates, many first kisses, and physical relationships with different people. It seems like it'd be fun to casually date someone or date someone quieter/louder or more different from myself, to see what I like. I'm not very outgoing around women, have no dating experience, and I don't meet a lot of women, so I'm under no illusions that this change would be perfectly better.
I'm torn. Is this just the grass being greener on the other side? I know I have something great, but how do I even know it's great if I've never had anything else?
Which will I regret more? Breaking it off with someone I truly love and never finding anyone better, or never experiencing life as a bachelor?
I imagine you will get two major lines of thought for your answer, one will come from the more religious mefies and the other the more secular.
My only insight would be that...
She's religious so we've never had sex or even fooled around.
If you've lasted this long with the above statement holding true, know that you may very well not be compatible sexually... but if by some twist of probability you don't need that area of the relationship to be good for your partnership to succeed, well then your a lucky.. or I guess unlucky guy, depending on how you see things.
Not that I have ever been in your situation but I couldn't possibly imagine settling down without at least a little bit of travel.
Good luck in any direction you go.
posted by crewshell at 9:29 AM on May 8, 2007
My only insight would be that...
She's religious so we've never had sex or even fooled around.
If you've lasted this long with the above statement holding true, know that you may very well not be compatible sexually... but if by some twist of probability you don't need that area of the relationship to be good for your partnership to succeed, well then your a lucky.. or I guess unlucky guy, depending on how you see things.
Not that I have ever been in your situation but I couldn't possibly imagine settling down without at least a little bit of travel.
Good luck in any direction you go.
posted by crewshell at 9:29 AM on May 8, 2007
Let me say first that I believe the choice to wait until marriage for sex is commendable, and one I've made myself. But...
You've been dating for TEN years and you've never done anything? That's fishy to me. Religious does not equal no sex drive. Most couples I know who chose to wait were in quite a hurry to get married. I don't know any who dated for ten years.
It makes me wonder how much physical chemistry is really there. Perhaps she's just staying with you because it's comfortable. Perhaps you are. Something to think about.
posted by clh at 9:36 AM on May 8, 2007 [2 favorites]
You've been dating for TEN years and you've never done anything? That's fishy to me. Religious does not equal no sex drive. Most couples I know who chose to wait were in quite a hurry to get married. I don't know any who dated for ten years.
It makes me wonder how much physical chemistry is really there. Perhaps she's just staying with you because it's comfortable. Perhaps you are. Something to think about.
posted by clh at 9:36 AM on May 8, 2007 [2 favorites]
She's religious so we've never had sex or even fooled around. She doesn't want to get married anytime soon. These things bother me, but aren't deal-breakers.
Um, wow. No.
It's really time to pop the question, or at least start planning with her about the future. Decisions need to be made. If there are no compelling economic or other reasons to prolong this extended courtship (and it's doubtful there are), the "right" time won't come. You need to move on if she is irrational or selfish about her goals.
Most of the religious people I know - the hold off sex folks - got married immediately after college. Since they finished their education, they all got jobs and are doing just fine together. They also get to have sex, which most 20 year olds appreciate.
posted by dgaicun at 9:40 AM on May 8, 2007 [4 favorites]
Um, wow. No.
It's really time to pop the question, or at least start planning with her about the future. Decisions need to be made. If there are no compelling economic or other reasons to prolong this extended courtship (and it's doubtful there are), the "right" time won't come. You need to move on if she is irrational or selfish about her goals.
Most of the religious people I know - the hold off sex folks - got married immediately after college. Since they finished their education, they all got jobs and are doing just fine together. They also get to have sex, which most 20 year olds appreciate.
posted by dgaicun at 9:40 AM on May 8, 2007 [4 favorites]
It really depends on you as a person, some people spend their whole life dwelling on what could-have-been and others commit to the choices they've made, if you're in the later camp, being with only one person won't be a problem.
posted by drezdn at 9:45 AM on May 8, 2007
posted by drezdn at 9:45 AM on May 8, 2007
Wow!
I was all ready to say that you might wistfully dream of playing the field, but you should stick to the one you love, until I saw that in 10 years together, you haven't had sex and that there is no prospect of having sex anytime soon.
For me, sex is a necissary and vital part of a romantic relationship. While I wouldn't expect or ask a partner to 'give it up' before she was ready, or demand that she have sex on a particular occasion, I would expect that she have sex with me as a regular part of our interaction.
Also, it's suprising to me that after 10 years you don't live together. I guess for most people that is a natural progression. I do know one commited couple who has been together almost 10 years and don't live together, but they're certainly an exception.
If these kinds of intimacy aren't important to you, fine. You should prioritized the needs that are. But from your description, the two of you sound like best friends, not like a boyfriend/girlfriend couple.
posted by serazin at 9:46 AM on May 8, 2007 [2 favorites]
I was all ready to say that you might wistfully dream of playing the field, but you should stick to the one you love, until I saw that in 10 years together, you haven't had sex and that there is no prospect of having sex anytime soon.
For me, sex is a necissary and vital part of a romantic relationship. While I wouldn't expect or ask a partner to 'give it up' before she was ready, or demand that she have sex on a particular occasion, I would expect that she have sex with me as a regular part of our interaction.
Also, it's suprising to me that after 10 years you don't live together. I guess for most people that is a natural progression. I do know one commited couple who has been together almost 10 years and don't live together, but they're certainly an exception.
If these kinds of intimacy aren't important to you, fine. You should prioritized the needs that are. But from your description, the two of you sound like best friends, not like a boyfriend/girlfriend couple.
posted by serazin at 9:46 AM on May 8, 2007 [2 favorites]
This question is probably unanswerable but i think it leans towards 'the grass is greener.' A couple thoughts:
1. Why do you think you can suddenly play the field? If your social skills and shyness led you to one girl your whole life, youre a serious disadvantage in 'the bar scene' or wherever. Why should anything be different now? You may be a wall-flower who picks at the low-hanging fruit. At a club that means hooking up with some regrettable characters.
2. Do you have the social skills and maturity to deal with someone who is simultaneously dating another guy or two?
3. How well can you honestly handle rejection? "Playing the field" means taking lots of risks and having most of them not pan out. Sometimes badly and embarrassingly.
4. For every great first date story there are 10 horrible first date stories. At your age can you imagine going on 20+ first dates this year only to have one or two pan out?
5. Your age is a liability right now. Compared to guys who are much younger and fitter than you, you may not like your odds.
6. "Playing the field" also means hanging out with people you may not like because theyre the only single people you know. Going to bars and places you may not like because that's where all the single people go. Booming DJ's you dont like because... well you can figure this one out. It gets old fast.
To me, the "playing of the field" is remembered as being a mostly loney and depressing hassle which if done correctly leads to finding one excellent person. Well, you've found youre one excellent person. Why are you thinking that learning to drive again will lead you to owning a better car?
posted by damn dirty ape at 9:48 AM on May 8, 2007
1. Why do you think you can suddenly play the field? If your social skills and shyness led you to one girl your whole life, youre a serious disadvantage in 'the bar scene' or wherever. Why should anything be different now? You may be a wall-flower who picks at the low-hanging fruit. At a club that means hooking up with some regrettable characters.
2. Do you have the social skills and maturity to deal with someone who is simultaneously dating another guy or two?
3. How well can you honestly handle rejection? "Playing the field" means taking lots of risks and having most of them not pan out. Sometimes badly and embarrassingly.
4. For every great first date story there are 10 horrible first date stories. At your age can you imagine going on 20+ first dates this year only to have one or two pan out?
5. Your age is a liability right now. Compared to guys who are much younger and fitter than you, you may not like your odds.
6. "Playing the field" also means hanging out with people you may not like because theyre the only single people you know. Going to bars and places you may not like because that's where all the single people go. Booming DJ's you dont like because... well you can figure this one out. It gets old fast.
To me, the "playing of the field" is remembered as being a mostly loney and depressing hassle which if done correctly leads to finding one excellent person. Well, you've found youre one excellent person. Why are you thinking that learning to drive again will lead you to owning a better car?
posted by damn dirty ape at 9:48 AM on May 8, 2007
(Disclosure: I'm in a 4-year relationship with my first boyfriend from high school.)
I think it's normal to pine occasionally for what could have been. I think every person in a long-term first-time relationship has these concerns every now and then, so your thoughts aren't an automatic dealbreaker. The question is, how serious are these thoughts? How often are you feeling them? Do you wish every time your friends whine about their breakups that you were in that same position? Or do you call your girlfriend up after every one of those gripe sessions and say "Thank god I have you and I don't have to deal with that crap!" Does she do the same?
Personally, some red flags went up for me in your post. Of course we don't know everything, but from what you've said, it doesn't really seem like you guys are in a true relationship -- there isn't really any serious commitment between you two (you don't live together, she doesn't want to get married), and it seems like she's not going to want to change that any time soon. It's not weird to me that you guys haven't had sex yet -- it's that she doesn't want to change this. It seems to me like you guys are friends who never went through the formal break up.
I'm all for never experiencing life as a bachelor if you've found the right woman -- just don't do it out of complacency, inertia, and fear of the unknown. You need to sit down individually & with her and do some serious soul searching.
posted by lilac girl at 9:48 AM on May 8, 2007 [2 favorites]
I think it's normal to pine occasionally for what could have been. I think every person in a long-term first-time relationship has these concerns every now and then, so your thoughts aren't an automatic dealbreaker. The question is, how serious are these thoughts? How often are you feeling them? Do you wish every time your friends whine about their breakups that you were in that same position? Or do you call your girlfriend up after every one of those gripe sessions and say "Thank god I have you and I don't have to deal with that crap!" Does she do the same?
Personally, some red flags went up for me in your post. Of course we don't know everything, but from what you've said, it doesn't really seem like you guys are in a true relationship -- there isn't really any serious commitment between you two (you don't live together, she doesn't want to get married), and it seems like she's not going to want to change that any time soon. It's not weird to me that you guys haven't had sex yet -- it's that she doesn't want to change this. It seems to me like you guys are friends who never went through the formal break up.
I'm all for never experiencing life as a bachelor if you've found the right woman -- just don't do it out of complacency, inertia, and fear of the unknown. You need to sit down individually & with her and do some serious soul searching.
posted by lilac girl at 9:48 AM on May 8, 2007 [2 favorites]
I don't think anyone really lays on their deathbed and says "I wish I'd had more fleeting relationships - too bad I wasted all that time on X".
posted by phrontist at 9:53 AM on May 8, 2007 [4 favorites]
posted by phrontist at 9:53 AM on May 8, 2007 [4 favorites]
It sounds like you have a great friend who is of the opposite sex. It does not sound like you have a girlfriend.
Are you really content with a celibate relationship?
Does one or both of you have issues with intimacy, sexuality or sexual orientation? Is it fear or complacency that keeps your relationship from changing?
What would be the "deal breaker"? What ultimatum could she offer? What would you have to concede? What would "breaking up" look like?
You have fallen into a pattern of relating that will be difficult to break. Challenging that pattern may make you both uncomfortable, and possibly imperil the relationship. But if you want more you are going to have to ask for it.
As for regret, whatever life you want can begin now. No use pining over lost time. There's still plenty of time for you to have a plethora of experiences with other women if you want it.
The fact that you have little experience with dating etc., will cause growing pains and some uncomfortable moments but those of us who put ourselves out there all go through it and live to tell the tale.
Good luck!
posted by MasonDixon at 9:55 AM on May 8, 2007
Are you really content with a celibate relationship?
Does one or both of you have issues with intimacy, sexuality or sexual orientation? Is it fear or complacency that keeps your relationship from changing?
What would be the "deal breaker"? What ultimatum could she offer? What would you have to concede? What would "breaking up" look like?
You have fallen into a pattern of relating that will be difficult to break. Challenging that pattern may make you both uncomfortable, and possibly imperil the relationship. But if you want more you are going to have to ask for it.
As for regret, whatever life you want can begin now. No use pining over lost time. There's still plenty of time for you to have a plethora of experiences with other women if you want it.
The fact that you have little experience with dating etc., will cause growing pains and some uncomfortable moments but those of us who put ourselves out there all go through it and live to tell the tale.
Good luck!
posted by MasonDixon at 9:55 AM on May 8, 2007
The "never had sex, does not want to get married too soon" aspect of this question throws it away from the normal "will I regret marrying my first love" question. Does she ever want to get it on?! If sex is an important aspect of life to you, then you need to talk to her about it soon. If she's sort of intent on never having sex and never getting married to a seemingly decent guy like you whom she's known forever, then will she ever want it?!
Plenty of very content people marry and live well sans playing the field. I'm one. But, we clicked upon many levels of fulfilling relationship -- sex being one of them. To that question, I really feel love trumps all. If you truly love another person then you won't mind never having played the field. I was a bit bothered about not going crazy in my 20s too, but it never seemed to bother my wife and I viewed that loyaltly and love as something worth preserving and worth more than playing the field. So, in the end, yes, love is the answer. But, work out the sex thing first. Quick.
posted by skepticallypleased at 10:03 AM on May 8, 2007
Plenty of very content people marry and live well sans playing the field. I'm one. But, we clicked upon many levels of fulfilling relationship -- sex being one of them. To that question, I really feel love trumps all. If you truly love another person then you won't mind never having played the field. I was a bit bothered about not going crazy in my 20s too, but it never seemed to bother my wife and I viewed that loyaltly and love as something worth preserving and worth more than playing the field. So, in the end, yes, love is the answer. But, work out the sex thing first. Quick.
posted by skepticallypleased at 10:03 AM on May 8, 2007
how do I even know it's great if I've never had anything else?
Well, you don't. It could be great, it sounds great (except for the no sex part), but you don't know if it's great.
You don't have a relationship per se, you have a comfort zone that isn't quite as comfortable as you think or previously thought. It's entirely possible to be happy and fulfilled in your situation, but you clearly aren't.
Which will I regret more? Breaking it off with someone I truly love and never finding anyone better, or never experiencing life as a bachelor?
Leaving a 10 year relationship would be hard and painful. I suspect that it would be good for you, but that's just a guess. You need to take some plunges, make some mistakes. Do it with eyes open, knowing you're going to hurt and be hurt but at least you'll be alive. And having sex, finally.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:09 AM on May 8, 2007
Well, you don't. It could be great, it sounds great (except for the no sex part), but you don't know if it's great.
You don't have a relationship per se, you have a comfort zone that isn't quite as comfortable as you think or previously thought. It's entirely possible to be happy and fulfilled in your situation, but you clearly aren't.
Which will I regret more? Breaking it off with someone I truly love and never finding anyone better, or never experiencing life as a bachelor?
Leaving a 10 year relationship would be hard and painful. I suspect that it would be good for you, but that's just a guess. You need to take some plunges, make some mistakes. Do it with eyes open, knowing you're going to hurt and be hurt but at least you'll be alive. And having sex, finally.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:09 AM on May 8, 2007
I had several sexual relationship in my twenties and STILL regret the missed opportunites of those years - several women who were obviously (in hindsight) making themselves available, but I missed the cues or did not take the bait.
So, yeah, it's perfectly normal to regret missing opportunities. In your case, you are (presumably) having NO sex whatsoever, but even for one such as myself who was having fairly regular sex (which gets better with experience, I'm here to tell you), it's never enough. The desire for more will always be there.
posted by BigLankyBastard at 10:19 AM on May 8, 2007
So, yeah, it's perfectly normal to regret missing opportunities. In your case, you are (presumably) having NO sex whatsoever, but even for one such as myself who was having fairly regular sex (which gets better with experience, I'm here to tell you), it's never enough. The desire for more will always be there.
posted by BigLankyBastard at 10:19 AM on May 8, 2007
I first started going steady with my now-wife in middle school. We broke up for one year, then got together in high school. After I graduated, we broke up again but got back together again after 18 months. We've now been married going on 22 years.
I'm pretty introverted, so during those two times when we weren't dating, I can't really say I played the field in any real sense (and sexually, not at all, if you catch my drift). I don't regret it at all. I consider myself lucky that I found my mate so early on.
But I have to agree with the several posters above: The "never had sex, does not want to get married too soon" aspect of this question throws it away from the normal "will I regret marrying my first love" question.
I cannot relate to that part at all, so take my experience how you will.
posted by tippiedog at 10:24 AM on May 8, 2007
I'm pretty introverted, so during those two times when we weren't dating, I can't really say I played the field in any real sense (and sexually, not at all, if you catch my drift). I don't regret it at all. I consider myself lucky that I found my mate so early on.
But I have to agree with the several posters above: The "never had sex, does not want to get married too soon" aspect of this question throws it away from the normal "will I regret marrying my first love" question.
I cannot relate to that part at all, so take my experience how you will.
posted by tippiedog at 10:24 AM on May 8, 2007
I think Lilac Girl has some good advice. You obviously have some questions and concerns regarding your relationship, I think you owe it to yourself to get some answers. Talk to your girlfriend, ask her what she sees happening in a few years. Seems strange that she has no desire to further the relationship in any sense whatsoever. Talk to her, either way it goes, you'll have solid answers to your questions.
posted by ISeemToBeAVerb at 10:25 AM on May 8, 2007
posted by ISeemToBeAVerb at 10:25 AM on May 8, 2007
Only ever had one (great) girlfriend. Will I regret never playing the field?
Yes, with the heat of a thousand suns.
posted by justgary at 10:26 AM on May 8, 2007 [2 favorites]
Yes, with the heat of a thousand suns.
posted by justgary at 10:26 AM on May 8, 2007 [2 favorites]
I met my wife the last year in college. We dated three years. Got married. We've been that way for 25 years and I've loved every minute of it. I know everyone is different and I have no experience playing the field. But I say this just so you know that there are people who marry their first love, stay married a long long time, and love every part of it. I intend to be half of that little old couple you see walking in the park holding hands.
I would ask yourself though, if you're the type who regrets lots of other decisions as well. I tend to be someone who makes a decision, does everything he can to make it work and live with the consequences. If you're not that type, you might want to reconsider.
posted by lpsguy at 10:32 AM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
I would ask yourself though, if you're the type who regrets lots of other decisions as well. I tend to be someone who makes a decision, does everything he can to make it work and live with the consequences. If you're not that type, you might want to reconsider.
posted by lpsguy at 10:32 AM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
This is probably an unanswerable question, since all those who "played the field" have no experience in what it's like to be with only 1 person, and vice-versa....
I'm 29 and am happy to have got a lot "out of my system" when I was younger, but I know others my age who did not do that but in no way regret not doing that. There is no "right" answer here.
No disrespect to your moral beliefs (well, ok, perhaps quite a bit of disrespect), but I think the 10+ years of a relationship lacking in (apparently) ALL forms of physical intimacy is frankly bizarre.
Perhaps your "girlfriend" (and I hesitate to describe her as such) has absolutely zero sex-drive and therefore physical intimacy is never going to be something she is interested in (which would explain the 10 years -- people who "wait" still have the same physical urges as people who don't) That's ok, I suppose, provided that you too have a close to zero sex drive. Don't expect that her physical desire will suddenly increase with the presence of a ring on her finger (which she doesn't want for a while anyway, it would seem).
Your question suggests that you do in fact have an active sex-drive, though perhaps a bit lower than average. An incompatibility in this area can be just as fatal to a relationship as an incompatibility over how to raise kids, where to live, religious views, political ideology, etc.
So, on that note, I think you should get the hell out of the relationship. Not because its important to fuck a bunch of people in your 20s, but because there seems to be a chasm in what the two of you want/need from a relationship. I'm not saying playing the field will make you happy (indeed by the time you're 30 it might do the exact opposite), but being with someone else probably will.
posted by modernnomad at 10:33 AM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
I'm 29 and am happy to have got a lot "out of my system" when I was younger, but I know others my age who did not do that but in no way regret not doing that. There is no "right" answer here.
No disrespect to your moral beliefs (well, ok, perhaps quite a bit of disrespect), but I think the 10+ years of a relationship lacking in (apparently) ALL forms of physical intimacy is frankly bizarre.
Perhaps your "girlfriend" (and I hesitate to describe her as such) has absolutely zero sex-drive and therefore physical intimacy is never going to be something she is interested in (which would explain the 10 years -- people who "wait" still have the same physical urges as people who don't) That's ok, I suppose, provided that you too have a close to zero sex drive. Don't expect that her physical desire will suddenly increase with the presence of a ring on her finger (which she doesn't want for a while anyway, it would seem).
Your question suggests that you do in fact have an active sex-drive, though perhaps a bit lower than average. An incompatibility in this area can be just as fatal to a relationship as an incompatibility over how to raise kids, where to live, religious views, political ideology, etc.
So, on that note, I think you should get the hell out of the relationship. Not because its important to fuck a bunch of people in your 20s, but because there seems to be a chasm in what the two of you want/need from a relationship. I'm not saying playing the field will make you happy (indeed by the time you're 30 it might do the exact opposite), but being with someone else probably will.
posted by modernnomad at 10:33 AM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
Don't do it.
About five or six years ago, I was in a similar situation to you. I had been going out with a girl for about three years, and she was great, I loved her, she loved me. But the relationship had a few problems, as all relationships do, and she was the first girlfriend I had ever had for more than about a week. It felt like as soon as I really started dating people, I almost immediately fell into a long-term relationship.
So things were pretty good, she was attractive, intelligent, I loved her. But the thought nagged away at me. If I could get this great girl, was it not possible that I could get other, better girls? Were there not better girls than this? Was I going to settle for this girl, my first real girlfriend? For the rest of my life? I wasn't getting any younger! What charms I had weren't getting any more charming! What if I was selling myself short? Sure, things were good, but maybe it would be that good with other girls, maybe that was just the feeling that came with having a long-term girlfriend and it would happen again.
These thoughts ate away at me and progressively ruined the relationship. After a couple of months of thinking this way, I broke up with the girl.
The breakup was agony, and I almost immediately regretted it. It was probably the single most stupid, callous, short-sighted, selfish and wantonly reckless things I have ever done. I ditched this brilliant girl, putting her through hell, and for what? Returning to dating was shitty. When I went out with people, they had to measure up to this girl - and not just equal her, they had to be a lot better, otherwise it wouldn't have been "worthwhile".
It was a disaster. I regretted it intensely, and still do. I see a lot of what I was feeling in your post - I urge you not to do what you're thinking. What you have is precious. If the relationship has no future, it will die. But while you love each other, it has a future. See what that future is, don't throw it away on a gamble.
The postscript to my story is that I realised my horrible mistake and became friends again with the great girl I had foolishly let slip away. Remarkably, she was prepared to forgive me for my incredible stupidity in dumping her and we started going out again.
She's now my wife. She's the best thing that has ever happened to me.
posted by WPW at 10:49 AM on May 8, 2007 [37 favorites]
About five or six years ago, I was in a similar situation to you. I had been going out with a girl for about three years, and she was great, I loved her, she loved me. But the relationship had a few problems, as all relationships do, and she was the first girlfriend I had ever had for more than about a week. It felt like as soon as I really started dating people, I almost immediately fell into a long-term relationship.
So things were pretty good, she was attractive, intelligent, I loved her. But the thought nagged away at me. If I could get this great girl, was it not possible that I could get other, better girls? Were there not better girls than this? Was I going to settle for this girl, my first real girlfriend? For the rest of my life? I wasn't getting any younger! What charms I had weren't getting any more charming! What if I was selling myself short? Sure, things were good, but maybe it would be that good with other girls, maybe that was just the feeling that came with having a long-term girlfriend and it would happen again.
These thoughts ate away at me and progressively ruined the relationship. After a couple of months of thinking this way, I broke up with the girl.
The breakup was agony, and I almost immediately regretted it. It was probably the single most stupid, callous, short-sighted, selfish and wantonly reckless things I have ever done. I ditched this brilliant girl, putting her through hell, and for what? Returning to dating was shitty. When I went out with people, they had to measure up to this girl - and not just equal her, they had to be a lot better, otherwise it wouldn't have been "worthwhile".
It was a disaster. I regretted it intensely, and still do. I see a lot of what I was feeling in your post - I urge you not to do what you're thinking. What you have is precious. If the relationship has no future, it will die. But while you love each other, it has a future. See what that future is, don't throw it away on a gamble.
The postscript to my story is that I realised my horrible mistake and became friends again with the great girl I had foolishly let slip away. Remarkably, she was prepared to forgive me for my incredible stupidity in dumping her and we started going out again.
She's now my wife. She's the best thing that has ever happened to me.
posted by WPW at 10:49 AM on May 8, 2007 [37 favorites]
Personally, I consider having great chemistry to include at least some sexual desire. How do you feel about her not wanting to have sex or fool around? I understand some people are asexual, and if you fit in this category, perhaps this is the perfect relationship for you.
posted by yohko at 10:50 AM on May 8, 2007
posted by yohko at 10:50 AM on May 8, 2007
Good god, man. Dump her, forget her and move on. I'm not suggesting you go wild - in fact promiscuity can lead to deep regret and unhappiness - but find a girl with whom you can develop a healthy adult relationship with. Ten years with the breaks on stinks of some kind of psychological disorder.
posted by rocco at 10:52 AM on May 8, 2007 [3 favorites]
posted by rocco at 10:52 AM on May 8, 2007 [3 favorites]
Nthing what everyone else says. Either she's not into you romantically, not into ANYONE romantically, or paralyzed with fear that advancing the relationship will put you in new situations that may lead to the realization that you're incompatible. Your relationship will change dramatically when (if?) you move in together and start having a physical relationship. It's not fair for her to drag this out until you're old and far too invested in the relationship to leave.
Yes, you will regret not playing the field, especially if you figure out she's not right for you when she finally does allow this relationship to advance (the mere fact that she's holding it up when you seem to want to move forward signifies problems already).
posted by almostmanda at 10:53 AM on May 8, 2007
Yes, you will regret not playing the field, especially if you figure out she's not right for you when she finally does allow this relationship to advance (the mere fact that she's holding it up when you seem to want to move forward signifies problems already).
posted by almostmanda at 10:53 AM on May 8, 2007
I don't think that fear of being alone is EVER a good enough reason to stay in a relationship.
Either you want to break up with her, or you want to stay with her. Stop factoring these phantom other women into the equation.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 10:53 AM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
Either you want to break up with her, or you want to stay with her. Stop factoring these phantom other women into the equation.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 10:53 AM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
I hope it isn't impolite to infer too much into a question, but it sounds to me like you're already starting to regret it. Phrases like "things are not not nearly as rosy as they were" and "She's religious so we've never had sex" -- not because chastity is always bad, but because you're phrasing it as her preference and not mentioning your own -- indicate to me you'd rather think in vague terms about regret than come out and say that you're increasingly unhappy in your relationship. "Alas, I long to expand my horizons and ride the winds of experience" sounds a lot better than "Listen lady, it's been ten years, either put out or marry me!"
I've been there myself, anonymous friend. At the end of my university career, I decided to take advantage of the free therapy they offered to talk about the relationship I was in. I had a similar question to yours, and it wasn't until much later that I realized I was responding to some early foreboding about the relationship that I wasn't ready to verbalize yet.
To answer the question you actually asked: it probably doesn't matter. By and large, happiness is more of a matter of who you are and how you look at life than the result of which page you turn to in the Choose Your Own Adventure that is your life. Happy people can think of a lost love and get a little misty-eyed before turning back to the day at hand, while unhappy people torture themselves with alternate realities.
I want you to realize that what you want is important. If you want to be a married person, that's important. If you want to have sex, that's important. That doesn't mean she should go along with it if she's not ready -- to the contrary. But whether you're sticking with this relationship or seeing if you can find somene more compatible, the best way to keep regret in perspective is to know what you're looking for, and to approach it honestly.
posted by L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg at 10:58 AM on May 8, 2007 [9 favorites]
I've been there myself, anonymous friend. At the end of my university career, I decided to take advantage of the free therapy they offered to talk about the relationship I was in. I had a similar question to yours, and it wasn't until much later that I realized I was responding to some early foreboding about the relationship that I wasn't ready to verbalize yet.
To answer the question you actually asked: it probably doesn't matter. By and large, happiness is more of a matter of who you are and how you look at life than the result of which page you turn to in the Choose Your Own Adventure that is your life. Happy people can think of a lost love and get a little misty-eyed before turning back to the day at hand, while unhappy people torture themselves with alternate realities.
I want you to realize that what you want is important. If you want to be a married person, that's important. If you want to have sex, that's important. That doesn't mean she should go along with it if she's not ready -- to the contrary. But whether you're sticking with this relationship or seeing if you can find somene more compatible, the best way to keep regret in perspective is to know what you're looking for, and to approach it honestly.
posted by L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg at 10:58 AM on May 8, 2007 [9 favorites]
I didn't like WPWs story until I saw that they got married and everything worked out (I believe in correcting mistakes, but not in regretting the things you can't change). Instead, WPWs story was nice and inspring.
Anyways, I agree wit MasonDixon. I know I couldn't handle a romantic relationship with someone without even being able to fool around. It definitely sounds like a best friendship. Which, in many ways, is a lot more important than a romantic relationship.
I'd jump ship if I were you... but honestly, as long as you are open and forthcoming with everything to her, you guys should come to this decision mutually.
posted by ZackTM at 10:58 AM on May 8, 2007
Anyways, I agree wit MasonDixon. I know I couldn't handle a romantic relationship with someone without even being able to fool around. It definitely sounds like a best friendship. Which, in many ways, is a lot more important than a romantic relationship.
I'd jump ship if I were you... but honestly, as long as you are open and forthcoming with everything to her, you guys should come to this decision mutually.
posted by ZackTM at 10:58 AM on May 8, 2007
I'd jump ship if I were you...
Is there a ship to jump?
posted by voltairemodern at 11:07 AM on May 8, 2007
Is there a ship to jump?
posted by voltairemodern at 11:07 AM on May 8, 2007
ThePinkSuperhero: Yes, I agree, good summary of my feelings. What seemed varied, exciting and fresh from the vantage point of my relationship was repetitive and faintly tawdry when I actually tried it.
posted by WPW at 11:15 AM on May 8, 2007
posted by WPW at 11:15 AM on May 8, 2007
Yes, you will regret it, and yet, you can live a perfectly happy life.
I married my first serious girlfriend and we have it all, but it would be reassuring BS to tell you there's never a moment where I might wistfully think, "what if..."
Forever is a long time, and along the way, partners say dumb things, you meet new people, and life happens. Part of making that commitment is choosing to pass up all the others.
Like so many have said before, you need to look at the relationship on its own merits.
I married her and I wouldn't have it any other way.
posted by advicepig at 11:18 AM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
I married my first serious girlfriend and we have it all, but it would be reassuring BS to tell you there's never a moment where I might wistfully think, "what if..."
Forever is a long time, and along the way, partners say dumb things, you meet new people, and life happens. Part of making that commitment is choosing to pass up all the others.
Like so many have said before, you need to look at the relationship on its own merits.
I married her and I wouldn't have it any other way.
posted by advicepig at 11:18 AM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
Wow, WPW wrote my story before I got a chance to. Different reason for breaking things off (I was in a long distance relationship, struggling in grad school, and it was stressful so I bailed on her). She dated others during the hiatus, but I never did as I was concentrating on school.
After realizing how stupid I was, I tried to get back together with her and she said no dice. We agreed to be friends. Until she realized she missed me too. 17 years later, we are still going strong. The one and only love of my life, and I have no regrets at all.
posted by genefinder at 11:28 AM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
After realizing how stupid I was, I tried to get back together with her and she said no dice. We agreed to be friends. Until she realized she missed me too. 17 years later, we are still going strong. The one and only love of my life, and I have no regrets at all.
posted by genefinder at 11:28 AM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
If you were a friend I would sit you down and ask you to seriously consider whether or not your girlfriend really wants to ever get married or be physical. I would suggest that you either marry her or break up immediately. If my friend asked her to marry him and she said "not now", my strong opinion would be that she will never be ready to get married.
Regrets? We all have regrets, or at least paths we chose to follow that meant not exploring other tantalizing possibilities. In your case you met someone you loved and in return gave up experiencing adult intimacy on many levels. Was it worth it, in my opinion? I think you've gone about six years past that point. If I were you, I would insist on marriage tomorrow or end the relationship, and yes, ultimatums are okay. Then, when you're living with her, you can figure out if you two are really meant to be.
Even seemingly sweet people we love do nasty things, sometimes unknowingly. If your girlfriend has been stringing you along, making you wait, without any real intention of tying the knot, if she's keeping you as a boyfriend but really wants a friend, then that is not a nice thing she has done at all.
posted by xammerboy at 11:29 AM on May 8, 2007
Regrets? We all have regrets, or at least paths we chose to follow that meant not exploring other tantalizing possibilities. In your case you met someone you loved and in return gave up experiencing adult intimacy on many levels. Was it worth it, in my opinion? I think you've gone about six years past that point. If I were you, I would insist on marriage tomorrow or end the relationship, and yes, ultimatums are okay. Then, when you're living with her, you can figure out if you two are really meant to be.
Even seemingly sweet people we love do nasty things, sometimes unknowingly. If your girlfriend has been stringing you along, making you wait, without any real intention of tying the knot, if she's keeping you as a boyfriend but really wants a friend, then that is not a nice thing she has done at all.
posted by xammerboy at 11:29 AM on May 8, 2007
We all have regrets, or at least paths we chose to follow that meant not exploring other tantalizing possibilities.
I'd like to echo that. But knowing that there was another turning you might have taken, and wondering what might have happened if you had taken that turn, doesn't mean you're on the wrong path.
posted by WPW at 11:35 AM on May 8, 2007
I'd like to echo that. But knowing that there was another turning you might have taken, and wondering what might have happened if you had taken that turn, doesn't mean you're on the wrong path.
posted by WPW at 11:35 AM on May 8, 2007
Two comments:
Life as a bachelor pretty much stinks. For all the ones you know who are having a great time, there's a half dozen others who are not. Those guys just aren't talking so much.
If she's religious and you're not, that is probably going to be a deal breaker at some point even if you are ok with it now.
posted by chairface at 11:46 AM on May 8, 2007
Life as a bachelor pretty much stinks. For all the ones you know who are having a great time, there's a half dozen others who are not. Those guys just aren't talking so much.
If she's religious and you're not, that is probably going to be a deal breaker at some point even if you are ok with it now.
posted by chairface at 11:46 AM on May 8, 2007
We know what her feelings about sex are, but what about yours? If you've held out for your entire 20's, it seems to me that you're really not that curious (except in passing moments), or that something is holding you back from exploring something you want and need to explore. From what you've said, either case seems equally likely to me.
There are indeed people for whom sex isn't really as big of a deal as it is for most. You may be one of them. If so, it sounds like you'd be most happy in the long run sacrificing your curiosity for the sake of maintaining the relationship. If it is a big deal for you, but you've just been avoiding it, then I think it's either time to move on or to start having serious conversations about the nature of your future together.
posted by treepour at 11:50 AM on May 8, 2007
There are indeed people for whom sex isn't really as big of a deal as it is for most. You may be one of them. If so, it sounds like you'd be most happy in the long run sacrificing your curiosity for the sake of maintaining the relationship. If it is a big deal for you, but you've just been avoiding it, then I think it's either time to move on or to start having serious conversations about the nature of your future together.
posted by treepour at 11:50 AM on May 8, 2007
(I am not a psychologist or relationship counselor, but…) Some things in your question lead me to believe there may be some codependency and avoidance at play in this relationship. This type of relationship can be very difficult to pull oneself out of. The fact that you’ve been in this relationship for so long without any sexual intimacy makes me think that, despite your assertion of her religious belief, your partner may have sexual or psychological trauma in her past.
It also seems that the general direction (or lack thereof) of the relationship is guided mostly by your partner. If you haven’t been able to discuss your own wants and needs with her, either you must do so or move on.
As thehmsbeagle said, your thoughts shouldn’t be focues on the possibility of life with someone else. Your question is about the viability and possible future of the relationship you are in.
I don’t mean to be callous, but if you have made it to the point of verbalizing your concerns by asking anonymous netizens if you should end your relationship, the answer is most likely “yes.”
posted by ijoshua at 12:00 PM on May 8, 2007
It also seems that the general direction (or lack thereof) of the relationship is guided mostly by your partner. If you haven’t been able to discuss your own wants and needs with her, either you must do so or move on.
As thehmsbeagle said, your thoughts shouldn’t be focues on the possibility of life with someone else. Your question is about the viability and possible future of the relationship you are in.
I don’t mean to be callous, but if you have made it to the point of verbalizing your concerns by asking anonymous netizens if you should end your relationship, the answer is most likely “yes.”
posted by ijoshua at 12:00 PM on May 8, 2007
No, a person is not ordained to regret a lack of sexual activity in their youth. If there is a fulfilling, satisfying relationship, throwing it away because of some imagined need to have experience or different people is short sighted. Instead of going out towards new experiences with new people I suspect that a lot of those who have this attitude are actually closing themselves off from experiencing intimacy with the one they are with. In my opinion there is always the danger of failing to be present when you get too wrapped up in what kind of experience you want to have (and this is different from having goals).
But that's really irrelevant as far as your situation goes. Your relationship isn't going anywhere. You want a romantic relationship of increasing intimacy that moves towards physical expression. Your girlfriend is approaching 30 after 10 years of being with you and has no desire to get married or be physical. You are incompatible on this issue. If sex is something you want in a relationship, like most people, you won't get it where you are. Don't worry about playing the field, worry about putting yourself in a position to get what you want out of life. You have three choices, you can give up your desire for sex and have companionship with this woman, you can break up and have whatever casual sex you come across, or you can break up and look for a monogamous sexual relationship. Options two and three of course are not exclusive of each other. I suspect that you don't regret having more sexual experience so much as you resent your companion for not providing it and yourself as well for not taking action.
Being frank with her would be a good start, but I don't think it will change anything. You are in a self perpetuating dynamic, where her role is to be non-sexual. Still, telling her what you want will help push you along.
Breaking up with this girl wouldn't just be good for you. It might be the best thing in the world you could do for her as well. I hope you would be able to wish her the best if she was to start a sexual relationship shortly afterwards.
posted by BigSky at 12:00 PM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
But that's really irrelevant as far as your situation goes. Your relationship isn't going anywhere. You want a romantic relationship of increasing intimacy that moves towards physical expression. Your girlfriend is approaching 30 after 10 years of being with you and has no desire to get married or be physical. You are incompatible on this issue. If sex is something you want in a relationship, like most people, you won't get it where you are. Don't worry about playing the field, worry about putting yourself in a position to get what you want out of life. You have three choices, you can give up your desire for sex and have companionship with this woman, you can break up and have whatever casual sex you come across, or you can break up and look for a monogamous sexual relationship. Options two and three of course are not exclusive of each other. I suspect that you don't regret having more sexual experience so much as you resent your companion for not providing it and yourself as well for not taking action.
Being frank with her would be a good start, but I don't think it will change anything. You are in a self perpetuating dynamic, where her role is to be non-sexual. Still, telling her what you want will help push you along.
Breaking up with this girl wouldn't just be good for you. It might be the best thing in the world you could do for her as well. I hope you would be able to wish her the best if she was to start a sexual relationship shortly afterwards.
posted by BigSky at 12:00 PM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
After ten years, you need to move forward in some way.
That means saying, "dammit, I want to marry this girl (and/or have the sex)", or saying, "dammit, I don't, and I need to go".
It's not really about other people out there - it's about what's happening where you are now. Ending a relationship this long has to be about the relationship itself - it's not enough, or it has some inherent problem which means it can't go on.
It will be difficult after you split (if you do). Knowing you've done it for the right reasons would make it a lot easier.
posted by tiny crocodile at 12:01 PM on May 8, 2007
That means saying, "dammit, I want to marry this girl (and/or have the sex)", or saying, "dammit, I don't, and I need to go".
It's not really about other people out there - it's about what's happening where you are now. Ending a relationship this long has to be about the relationship itself - it's not enough, or it has some inherent problem which means it can't go on.
It will be difficult after you split (if you do). Knowing you've done it for the right reasons would make it a lot easier.
posted by tiny crocodile at 12:01 PM on May 8, 2007
5. Your age is a liability right now. Compared to guys who are much younger and fitter than you, you may not like your odds.
This point isn't really valid, unless you're planning to date 20-year-olds. You're not the only one in the world getting older.
posted by the jam at 12:09 PM on May 8, 2007
This point isn't really valid, unless you're planning to date 20-year-olds. You're not the only one in the world getting older.
posted by the jam at 12:09 PM on May 8, 2007
Ten year relationship with no intimacy and no plans on getting married? That doesn't sound like a girlfriend to me. That's just a friend. However, you have a very lovely friendship with this woman, and it would be horrible to lose that.
I think it would be best if you really talked about the long-term future with her. Ask her what makes your relationship with her different than a spectacular friendship. Do you ever want children? Does she? At this point it shouldn't be about "playing the field" it's about deciding whether you both were truly meant to be together in this way. Just come out and say "if we were best friends instead of girlfriend and boyfriend, what would change between us?" And maybe follow that with something like, "I'm fine with waiting to be married until you're ready and I love you with all my heart, but if you don't ever want to move this relationship ahead I think it would be best for the both of us if you told me now rather than later."
Right now it seems like all you two are doing is keeping each other from the people you were meant to be with. Maybe that's not the case, maybe she's just afraid of moving forward, but would you bet your future on that?
(And yes, all those people talking about how bad dating will be have it right. You'd probably be best off with personal ads and websites like match.com, if you ever did break up and start looking again.)
Good luck, you have some difficult decisions to make.
posted by Green With You at 12:28 PM on May 8, 2007
I think it would be best if you really talked about the long-term future with her. Ask her what makes your relationship with her different than a spectacular friendship. Do you ever want children? Does she? At this point it shouldn't be about "playing the field" it's about deciding whether you both were truly meant to be together in this way. Just come out and say "if we were best friends instead of girlfriend and boyfriend, what would change between us?" And maybe follow that with something like, "I'm fine with waiting to be married until you're ready and I love you with all my heart, but if you don't ever want to move this relationship ahead I think it would be best for the both of us if you told me now rather than later."
Right now it seems like all you two are doing is keeping each other from the people you were meant to be with. Maybe that's not the case, maybe she's just afraid of moving forward, but would you bet your future on that?
(And yes, all those people talking about how bad dating will be have it right. You'd probably be best off with personal ads and websites like match.com, if you ever did break up and start looking again.)
Good luck, you have some difficult decisions to make.
posted by Green With You at 12:28 PM on May 8, 2007
There's some great advice above. The only thing I would add is that there is a possibility that she has a medical condition beyond low sex drive that is causing her to not fool around with you. It is unlikely, but possible, that she is intersexed, for example. You may want to investigate this before making a decision.
Also--great chemistry, and you've never kissed her? Why not?
posted by underwater at 12:50 PM on May 8, 2007
Also--great chemistry, and you've never kissed her? Why not?
posted by underwater at 12:50 PM on May 8, 2007
I think you would grow as a person and experience more of life if you were uncommitted for a while.
posted by cellphone at 12:56 PM on May 8, 2007
posted by cellphone at 12:56 PM on May 8, 2007
He didn't say he never kissed her, just that they've never "fooled around". I read that as blowjobs, or what they used to call, adorably, "petting".
posted by mr_roboto at 12:56 PM on May 8, 2007
posted by mr_roboto at 12:56 PM on May 8, 2007
Whether or not you will regret staying with her depends on whether your needs are being met in the relationship.
You say that several issues - not living together, not fooling around, not sleeping together, not setting a marriage date - are not deal-breakers. Is that really true or is that what you tell yourself because you fear the relationship ending?
I know in my case, I could never be with someone without physical intimacy. You may be different but it sounds like you have some needs that you are supressing.
Not to be cynical, but there are other women out there. If you have important needs that aren't getting met, leave. Of course you will never find the "perfect" woman who is ideal in every way, but you will regret too many compromises.
posted by mai at 1:28 PM on May 8, 2007
You say that several issues - not living together, not fooling around, not sleeping together, not setting a marriage date - are not deal-breakers. Is that really true or is that what you tell yourself because you fear the relationship ending?
I know in my case, I could never be with someone without physical intimacy. You may be different but it sounds like you have some needs that you are supressing.
Not to be cynical, but there are other women out there. If you have important needs that aren't getting met, leave. Of course you will never find the "perfect" woman who is ideal in every way, but you will regret too many compromises.
posted by mai at 1:28 PM on May 8, 2007
Anonymous: "Which will I regret more? Breaking it off with someone I truly love and never finding anyone better, or never experiencing life as a bachelor?"
Ten years without physical intimacy in the prime decade of your life? I suppose technically it's possible that you might not do better, but that would be a long shot, and it's certainly hard to do worse. Go out and live a little before you die.
posted by mullingitover at 1:39 PM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
Ten years without physical intimacy in the prime decade of your life? I suppose technically it's possible that you might not do better, but that would be a long shot, and it's certainly hard to do worse. Go out and live a little before you die.
posted by mullingitover at 1:39 PM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
People are religious, sure, but nobody's that fuckin' religious. Even my born-again-Christian walks-two-steps-behind-her-husband blue-Gingham-dress-wearing sister gave it up to her boyfriends. How do I know this? Because they smiled on occasion.
Your semi-grilf has a problem and after ten years of living with that problem, you're not going to be able to help her fix it.
Unless you move on, you're never gonna get any. And you will regret that far more than you will regret dumping that crazy non-girlfriend you love so very much.
posted by solid-one-love at 1:44 PM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
Your semi-grilf has a problem and after ten years of living with that problem, you're not going to be able to help her fix it.
Unless you move on, you're never gonna get any. And you will regret that far more than you will regret dumping that crazy non-girlfriend you love so very much.
posted by solid-one-love at 1:44 PM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
You are asking if you are going to regret not having fooled around with other women, yet you haven't even fooled around with the one you are with. You claim to have "chemistry" with her, but if you have not had sex or at a minimum "fooled around" then you clearly do not know whether chemistry exists. The things you mention as "not deal breakers" are obviously bothering you in some way, or you wouldn't have mentioned them in this question.
You need to really ask yourself if you feel genuine romantic love for this woman, or if you have simply become friends. If you decide that you do really love her, then you need to decide whether she feels the same way. I have never heard of a religious person who has no sex during a long-term relationship yet is uninterested in getting married. Religious people are human beings who want to have sex. You sound like you want to have sex, so IMO you should find someone who will do it with you, or at least not make you wait ten years.
posted by gatorae at 1:52 PM on May 8, 2007
You need to really ask yourself if you feel genuine romantic love for this woman, or if you have simply become friends. If you decide that you do really love her, then you need to decide whether she feels the same way. I have never heard of a religious person who has no sex during a long-term relationship yet is uninterested in getting married. Religious people are human beings who want to have sex. You sound like you want to have sex, so IMO you should find someone who will do it with you, or at least not make you wait ten years.
posted by gatorae at 1:52 PM on May 8, 2007
I'd like to point out that WPW and genefinder only realized the value of their relationships once they had broken the relationship.
It seems like the lesson to learn from their experience is that you should break up with your girlfriend, and then, if you realize it's the biggest mistake of your life, hope that she'll take you back.
There are plenty of guys who broke up with their girlfriends and it did NOT turn out to be the biggest mistake of their lives.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 1:59 PM on May 8, 2007
It seems like the lesson to learn from their experience is that you should break up with your girlfriend, and then, if you realize it's the biggest mistake of your life, hope that she'll take you back.
There are plenty of guys who broke up with their girlfriends and it did NOT turn out to be the biggest mistake of their lives.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 1:59 PM on May 8, 2007
1. Playing the field = not all that fun.
2. On the other hand, like many other posters, I smell a rat with the "doesn't want to do anything physical before marriage, we've dated for ten years, still no marriage plans" thing. Unless BOTH of you are asexual (and/or nobody's in denial about homosexuality- sorry, but it had to be said, especially with the religious thing), this doesn't sound like a good thing.
I wouldn't date "just to play the field" if you were happy in the relationship otherwise. But frankly, I think y'all at least need to discuss the possibility of sex, or even a little groping, at some point. Being surprised on the wedding night to find out you'll never get any is not great. It's one thing to claim "not until marriage, because of God," it's quite another when the marriage has occurred and you're still not allowed to get some. "Not until marriage, because of God" is a great excuse if you want to not be single, but don't want to put out.
I have a friend who does the "I won't even hold hands with a guy before marriage" religious thing, incidentally. But she's frigging terrified of getting physical with anybody (had a skeezy babysitter as a kid). I think in her case she just uses it as an excuse to not have to go there. It wouldn't surprise me at all to find out that your girlfriend might have at least somewhat similar logic going on here on some level, even if she never got abused.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:37 PM on May 8, 2007
2. On the other hand, like many other posters, I smell a rat with the "doesn't want to do anything physical before marriage, we've dated for ten years, still no marriage plans" thing. Unless BOTH of you are asexual (and/or nobody's in denial about homosexuality- sorry, but it had to be said, especially with the religious thing), this doesn't sound like a good thing.
I wouldn't date "just to play the field" if you were happy in the relationship otherwise. But frankly, I think y'all at least need to discuss the possibility of sex, or even a little groping, at some point. Being surprised on the wedding night to find out you'll never get any is not great. It's one thing to claim "not until marriage, because of God," it's quite another when the marriage has occurred and you're still not allowed to get some. "Not until marriage, because of God" is a great excuse if you want to not be single, but don't want to put out.
I have a friend who does the "I won't even hold hands with a guy before marriage" religious thing, incidentally. But she's frigging terrified of getting physical with anybody (had a skeezy babysitter as a kid). I think in her case she just uses it as an excuse to not have to go there. It wouldn't surprise me at all to find out that your girlfriend might have at least somewhat similar logic going on here on some level, even if she never got abused.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:37 PM on May 8, 2007
"...She's religious so we've never had sex or even fooled around. She doesn't want to get married anytime soon. These things bother me, but aren't deal-breakers."
You've been together for ten years and never had sex or fooled around because of her religion, and she doesn't want to get married, which means no prospective sex or fooling around in the foreseeable future? That's not a deal-breaker? What would be a deal-breaker?
I think you want to break up with her and you need the internet to tell you that it is ok. That's not so bad, really. I am on the internet and I think you should dump her and find someone who wants to jump your bones.
posted by Kwine at 2:42 PM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
You've been together for ten years and never had sex or fooled around because of her religion, and she doesn't want to get married, which means no prospective sex or fooling around in the foreseeable future? That's not a deal-breaker? What would be a deal-breaker?
I think you want to break up with her and you need the internet to tell you that it is ok. That's not so bad, really. I am on the internet and I think you should dump her and find someone who wants to jump your bones.
posted by Kwine at 2:42 PM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
My two cents is that your (OP's) story is positively tragic. I feel really sad for you.
Human being are animals, we are wired to need physical intimacy and companionship. There is nothing abnormal or deviant about it, we are built this way, as social creatures who need others. Sure, you could make it to 30 without any intimacy in your life, and it would be perfectly reasonable if that has been your choice. This does not sound at all like your choice. It sounds like you are a imprisoned by your partner's pathological view of sexuality.
In my opinion relationships of many varieties with other people and sex are two of the building blocks that constitute the fullness and joy of life. Learning about and relating to people of many minds and hearts is what makes us understand ourselves and grow as people. To me, the way you've described it, your life hasn't even begun yet.
Other posters have told their romantic stories and that's fine for them. For each of those stories there two of the opposite. I would be miserable if I was still with the person I thought I wanted to spend my life with when I was 18. I don't even know who I would be. That is the view that most people I know take on their first relationship. Don't let people make this out to be about superficial sexual needs. In my opinion this is about realising your own deepest needs and desires and learning about yourself. It is about spreading your wings, to use a lame cliché. And even if it was about superficial sexual needs, so be it. If they are what you long for in life then you should seek out their fulfilment, with gusto. You only get one turn in life.
You're asking the question but I think you already have your answer.
posted by loiseau at 3:03 PM on May 8, 2007
Human being are animals, we are wired to need physical intimacy and companionship. There is nothing abnormal or deviant about it, we are built this way, as social creatures who need others. Sure, you could make it to 30 without any intimacy in your life, and it would be perfectly reasonable if that has been your choice. This does not sound at all like your choice. It sounds like you are a imprisoned by your partner's pathological view of sexuality.
In my opinion relationships of many varieties with other people and sex are two of the building blocks that constitute the fullness and joy of life. Learning about and relating to people of many minds and hearts is what makes us understand ourselves and grow as people. To me, the way you've described it, your life hasn't even begun yet.
Other posters have told their romantic stories and that's fine for them. For each of those stories there two of the opposite. I would be miserable if I was still with the person I thought I wanted to spend my life with when I was 18. I don't even know who I would be. That is the view that most people I know take on their first relationship. Don't let people make this out to be about superficial sexual needs. In my opinion this is about realising your own deepest needs and desires and learning about yourself. It is about spreading your wings, to use a lame cliché. And even if it was about superficial sexual needs, so be it. If they are what you long for in life then you should seek out their fulfilment, with gusto. You only get one turn in life.
You're asking the question but I think you already have your answer.
posted by loiseau at 3:03 PM on May 8, 2007
We're just apes, after all. And sometimes what makes us happy is embracing the ape within us with more forgiveness.
Speak for yourself.
posted by footnote at 3:38 PM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
Speak for yourself.
posted by footnote at 3:38 PM on May 8, 2007 [1 favorite]
I didn't even kiss a girl until I was 30 (introverted, shy, far too fat until 29). That kiss led to my first relationship, which lasted three years. We were trying to be all modern and adult and accepting and non-possessive, she was eleven years younger than me, and she had a couple of flings with other people while we were together with my full knowledge and blessing. One of those people was one of my best friends. He's a great guy, and she ended up falling in love with him as well as me. I found out I wasn't as modern and adult and accepting and non-possessive as I thought I was, and turned into a bit of a passive-aggressive prick. It got to the point where me sticking around was only causing distress for all of us, so I bowed out.
They had something beautiful that lasted for about ten years before she eventually started thinking that it was time she found out who she was when she wasn't in a relationship, and dumped him. He hurt like crazy. I'm still not sure he understands what happened, and I'm still not convinced she's happier now than she was when they were together.
Meanwhile back in my life: I met a woman at a drumming circle and we ended up in bed together the same night. That helped me realize that there was nothing actually *wrong* with me. We had a few more dates, which were really good fun, before she left the city where I lived to follow her own dreams in Central Australia.
Later that year, I met ms. flabdablet. We've been together for ten wonderful years, married for six.
Things I regret:
1) Trying hard to be "the faithful one" and all modern and adult and accepting and non-possessive at the same time.
When my first love took a two week break from our year-long trip around Australia to fly home for a visit with her other love, there were several opportunities for casual fun that I backed away from. At the time I was telling myself that I could be faithful even if she wasn't, because I was the "mature" one, and that being faithful would do me good in the end - but really, that was all bollocks; I was just hurt and scared and in denial.
It really is difficult in a first relationship, especially one that took so long to happen, not to hold onto the thing so hard that you crush it. Had I been braver at the time, and seized the moment instead of building up a huge head of Moral Superiority, I would probably not have turned into such an insufferably self-righteous prick later on.
2) Harsh words spoken in anger. See (1).
Things I don't regret at all:
1) The late start. I had a terrible time coping with the end of my first relationship. When I contemplate the idea of going through something like that as a teenager, or even a twenty-something, I just shudder.
2) Never having had a real "playing the field" period. Being a swinging single is a nice idea in the abstract, I'm sure it works just fine for lots of people, and I'm equally sure that some of those people will look at stories like yours and mine and shake their heads in pity. But everybody has to miss out on something, and what those head-shakers are missing out on is exactly what you've got from ten years of growing together with one partner.
The grass may well be greener on the other side, but it's possibly far less nutritious :-)
Realize that regardless of what you choose to do, when it comes to relationships or any other kind of personal experience, you can never have what somebody else has. Only they can have that. The only thing you ever have is your life.
If you're a typical decent human being and not a psychopath, the things you'll end up regretting the most are the hurts you've inflicted on others along the way; and the closer you are to the people you hurt, the deeper that regret will be. Regret for opportunity lost will always come a very distant second to that. So if your aim is to minimize regret, you should stick with what you have.
posted by flabdablet at 4:21 PM on May 8, 2007
They had something beautiful that lasted for about ten years before she eventually started thinking that it was time she found out who she was when she wasn't in a relationship, and dumped him. He hurt like crazy. I'm still not sure he understands what happened, and I'm still not convinced she's happier now than she was when they were together.
Meanwhile back in my life: I met a woman at a drumming circle and we ended up in bed together the same night. That helped me realize that there was nothing actually *wrong* with me. We had a few more dates, which were really good fun, before she left the city where I lived to follow her own dreams in Central Australia.
Later that year, I met ms. flabdablet. We've been together for ten wonderful years, married for six.
Things I regret:
1) Trying hard to be "the faithful one" and all modern and adult and accepting and non-possessive at the same time.
When my first love took a two week break from our year-long trip around Australia to fly home for a visit with her other love, there were several opportunities for casual fun that I backed away from. At the time I was telling myself that I could be faithful even if she wasn't, because I was the "mature" one, and that being faithful would do me good in the end - but really, that was all bollocks; I was just hurt and scared and in denial.
It really is difficult in a first relationship, especially one that took so long to happen, not to hold onto the thing so hard that you crush it. Had I been braver at the time, and seized the moment instead of building up a huge head of Moral Superiority, I would probably not have turned into such an insufferably self-righteous prick later on.
2) Harsh words spoken in anger. See (1).
Things I don't regret at all:
1) The late start. I had a terrible time coping with the end of my first relationship. When I contemplate the idea of going through something like that as a teenager, or even a twenty-something, I just shudder.
2) Never having had a real "playing the field" period. Being a swinging single is a nice idea in the abstract, I'm sure it works just fine for lots of people, and I'm equally sure that some of those people will look at stories like yours and mine and shake their heads in pity. But everybody has to miss out on something, and what those head-shakers are missing out on is exactly what you've got from ten years of growing together with one partner.
The grass may well be greener on the other side, but it's possibly far less nutritious :-)
Realize that regardless of what you choose to do, when it comes to relationships or any other kind of personal experience, you can never have what somebody else has. Only they can have that. The only thing you ever have is your life.
If you're a typical decent human being and not a psychopath, the things you'll end up regretting the most are the hurts you've inflicted on others along the way; and the closer you are to the people you hurt, the deeper that regret will be. Regret for opportunity lost will always come a very distant second to that. So if your aim is to minimize regret, you should stick with what you have.
posted by flabdablet at 4:21 PM on May 8, 2007
anonymous - People are posting some very good, long, discussion. But even after reading all that I'm coming to one simple concluion. One which a few others have reached but bears repearing:
You don't have a great girlfriend. You have a great friend who is a girl.
Now, that's a wonderful thing. But if you're a regular human being who is interested in a normal, healthy romantic relationship you need to find an actual girlfriend.
posted by Justinian at 6:05 PM on May 8, 2007
You don't have a great girlfriend. You have a great friend who is a girl.
Now, that's a wonderful thing. But if you're a regular human being who is interested in a normal, healthy romantic relationship you need to find an actual girlfriend.
posted by Justinian at 6:05 PM on May 8, 2007
My lord.
I am of the religious, wait-until-marriage, married-my-first-true-love brigade. So's my husband. So I get the wait-until-marriage religious thing.
But 10 years? That's ... amazing. In all the wrong ways. Does this lady have a sex drive or anything resembling one?
Playing the field - yeah, there are a couple of guys I wouldn't have mind seeing how things worked out, but well, at the time they were too young, and now we're at least great friends. I get my eyecandy, if not anything else, and it works for me. Meanwhile, I have the constant companionship of my love, who also happens to be my best friend. I really don't regret marriage; I enjoy it. Admittedly, we're only 7 years into the relationship, and there's a long way to go - but it's a relationship I wouldn't want to have missed out on, because it rocks.
In my opinion, your relationship may be broken. It sounds like the relationship I have with my aforementioned eyecandy friends - very little physical intimacy (lots of hugs! I love hugs), but there's a (platonic) love there, we get along like a house on fire, and there's definitely a degree of chemistry. But that does not a romantic relationship make.
posted by ysabet at 7:44 PM on May 8, 2007
I am of the religious, wait-until-marriage, married-my-first-true-love brigade. So's my husband. So I get the wait-until-marriage religious thing.
But 10 years? That's ... amazing. In all the wrong ways. Does this lady have a sex drive or anything resembling one?
Playing the field - yeah, there are a couple of guys I wouldn't have mind seeing how things worked out, but well, at the time they were too young, and now we're at least great friends. I get my eyecandy, if not anything else, and it works for me. Meanwhile, I have the constant companionship of my love, who also happens to be my best friend. I really don't regret marriage; I enjoy it. Admittedly, we're only 7 years into the relationship, and there's a long way to go - but it's a relationship I wouldn't want to have missed out on, because it rocks.
In my opinion, your relationship may be broken. It sounds like the relationship I have with my aforementioned eyecandy friends - very little physical intimacy (lots of hugs! I love hugs), but there's a (platonic) love there, we get along like a house on fire, and there's definitely a degree of chemistry. But that does not a romantic relationship make.
posted by ysabet at 7:44 PM on May 8, 2007
Does this lady have a sex drive or anything resembling one?
My question is not whether she has a sex drive: my question is whether he has a sex drive.
Now I'm not judging him here: not everyone has a naturally strong sex drive, and Lord knows men are unbelievably heavily socialized to believe that not having a strong sex drive is the ultimate in evil, so they're not often willing to admit it. But I find it difficult to believe that a lack of sex between two people who have been dating for ten years is solely due to one partner's lack of interest.
I think the OP has to ask himself why HE has waited ten years for her. Even love wouldn't stop the average guy (or gal, to be honest) from straying if the other party wouldn't either have premarital sex or get married.
posted by watsondog at 8:30 PM on May 8, 2007
My question is not whether she has a sex drive: my question is whether he has a sex drive.
Now I'm not judging him here: not everyone has a naturally strong sex drive, and Lord knows men are unbelievably heavily socialized to believe that not having a strong sex drive is the ultimate in evil, so they're not often willing to admit it. But I find it difficult to believe that a lack of sex between two people who have been dating for ten years is solely due to one partner's lack of interest.
I think the OP has to ask himself why HE has waited ten years for her. Even love wouldn't stop the average guy (or gal, to be honest) from straying if the other party wouldn't either have premarital sex or get married.
posted by watsondog at 8:30 PM on May 8, 2007
As the great Allen Arkin said in Little Miss Sunshine "Fuck a lot of women...I mean a lot of women."
Another man I have been known to admire once said he regrets every piece he didn't get.
posted by wsg at 9:38 AM on May 9, 2007
Another man I have been known to admire once said he regrets every piece he didn't get.
posted by wsg at 9:38 AM on May 9, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
There are many people who have had many first kisses who will be secretly - or not so secretly - jealous that you have someone you truly love and who loves you back. Just keep that in mind.
Also: you know it's great becuase it's great. If you break up with her and then spend a lot of time miserable and looking for someone new, you'll know that's miserable becuase it is. (Not that it necessarily will be.)
posted by dpx.mfx at 9:24 AM on May 8, 2007