Bridal Shower Mayhem?
April 3, 2007 1:46 PM Subscribe
(I am posting this for my girlfriend) My brother is getting married and his fiance asked me to be a bridesmaid. Her sister is the matron of honor, and she will be having 7 bridesmaids total. I just received word that her mother and sister have booked a country club for the bridal shower and the cost will be divided among the bridesmaids (around $100 each). Am I wrong to think that the matron of honor should have consulted us to find out what we were comfortable contributing before making plans?
Does $800+ seem like a lot for a bridal shower? Should i just suck it up and pay? (I'm already into this wedding for at least $500) I don't want to upset my brother, and I don't want to cause a major rift (the matron of honor has a very, uh, strong personality), but i feel like I'm being railroaded. Thanks for your thoughts.
Does $800+ seem like a lot for a bridal shower? Should i just suck it up and pay? (I'm already into this wedding for at least $500) I don't want to upset my brother, and I don't want to cause a major rift (the matron of honor has a very, uh, strong personality), but i feel like I'm being railroaded. Thanks for your thoughts.
You're not wrong. That's pretty outrageous.
I'm guessing that Miss Manners would advise you to go to the bride and tell her how sorry you are, that you were so happy to stand up with her and would love to be there for her but you just can't afford to be her bridesmaid. Then it's her problem to work it out with her mother and sister. (BTW, Miss Manners would also say that the bride's relatives are *never* supposed to throw the bridal shower).
Also, you know the bride of honor, but sometimes people have 'uh, strong personalities' because they're relatively clueless with interpersonal relations and social skills, and if you very undramatically told her that you're sorry but it's just too much for you, she might not respond badly, but be glad to have something/someone straight-forward to work with. (I'm kind of imagining a relative of mine now). But maybe not!
Good luck though. In the end, you probably just want to go through with it, for your brother's wedding's sake. Or if you've got that kind of relationship with him, hit *him* up for that $100, it sounds like the kind of wedding where they'll be reaping in the gifts anyway.
posted by Salamandrous at 1:56 PM on April 3, 2007 [4 favorites]
I'm guessing that Miss Manners would advise you to go to the bride and tell her how sorry you are, that you were so happy to stand up with her and would love to be there for her but you just can't afford to be her bridesmaid. Then it's her problem to work it out with her mother and sister. (BTW, Miss Manners would also say that the bride's relatives are *never* supposed to throw the bridal shower).
Also, you know the bride of honor, but sometimes people have 'uh, strong personalities' because they're relatively clueless with interpersonal relations and social skills, and if you very undramatically told her that you're sorry but it's just too much for you, she might not respond badly, but be glad to have something/someone straight-forward to work with. (I'm kind of imagining a relative of mine now). But maybe not!
Good luck though. In the end, you probably just want to go through with it, for your brother's wedding's sake. Or if you've got that kind of relationship with him, hit *him* up for that $100, it sounds like the kind of wedding where they'll be reaping in the gifts anyway.
posted by Salamandrous at 1:56 PM on April 3, 2007 [4 favorites]
Yeah, you should have been consulted. Yeah, you have to suck it up and pay. But you don't have to be particularly close with those folks any time thereafter. This gets chalked up in the "unpleasant things we have to do that piss us off" category.
posted by solid-one-love at 1:56 PM on April 3, 2007
posted by solid-one-love at 1:56 PM on April 3, 2007
What are they gonna do-bill you?
Besides, the mom and sis should NOT be the ones hosting the shower to begin with. Immediate relatives are not supposed to do that.
Honestly, if it were me I'd either passively aggressively say NOTHING and pay NOTHING, or else, the check would BE the shower/wedding gift. Since apparently this is not a case of the actual bride being a bridezilla, I'd probably go for the former option.
If pressed, simply say you have no recollection agreeing to the amount. (Here I assume the whole idea of chipping in for the venue is a surprise.)
If you had already agreed in chipping in for the location, you might be on shakier ground. I still think this stinks though.
posted by konolia at 1:57 PM on April 3, 2007
Besides, the mom and sis should NOT be the ones hosting the shower to begin with. Immediate relatives are not supposed to do that.
Honestly, if it were me I'd either passively aggressively say NOTHING and pay NOTHING, or else, the check would BE the shower/wedding gift. Since apparently this is not a case of the actual bride being a bridezilla, I'd probably go for the former option.
If pressed, simply say you have no recollection agreeing to the amount. (Here I assume the whole idea of chipping in for the venue is a surprise.)
If you had already agreed in chipping in for the location, you might be on shakier ground. I still think this stinks though.
posted by konolia at 1:57 PM on April 3, 2007
"The maid or matron of honor pays for her own dress and other attire. If travel expenses are involved, she pays for her own dress and other attire. Although she may attend several pre-wedding parties, only one shower gift and one wedding gift are to be expected. She may share the cost of bridal shower....Bridesmaids are usually close friends or family members. When inviting them, make them aware that there are costs involved as well as a time commitment....Bridesmaids share the cost of the bridal shower with the maid of honor." [Wedding Etiquette].
It seems common. They should have informed you of your expected costs/expenses when they invited you to be a bridesmaid.
posted by ericb at 2:00 PM on April 3, 2007
It seems common. They should have informed you of your expected costs/expenses when they invited you to be a bridesmaid.
posted by ericb at 2:00 PM on April 3, 2007
It seems common.
If that's in the "lacking refinement or cultivation or taste" sense of "common," sure.
It's bad, yes. Do not feel bad if you'd like to politely say no.
posted by kmennie at 2:07 PM on April 3, 2007
If that's in the "lacking refinement or cultivation or taste" sense of "common," sure.
It's bad, yes. Do not feel bad if you'd like to politely say no.
posted by kmennie at 2:07 PM on April 3, 2007
I've never been to a bridal shower where the maid/matron of honor didn't pay for the whole thing. She is hosting, so she pays - poor manners, otherwise.
posted by meerkatty at 2:12 PM on April 3, 2007
posted by meerkatty at 2:12 PM on April 3, 2007
If you really can't afford the $100, then I think you have two choices:
1) discretely explain the situation to your brother and ask him to pay for it for you.
2) Lose the relationship with your brother and his bride to be and their kids for the rest of your life.
Of course, there's also
3) realize that you can afford it.
Your choice.
posted by alms at 2:17 PM on April 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
1) discretely explain the situation to your brother and ask him to pay for it for you.
2) Lose the relationship with your brother and his bride to be and their kids for the rest of your life.
Of course, there's also
3) realize that you can afford it.
Your choice.
posted by alms at 2:17 PM on April 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
Be happy you're not the maid/matron of honor in a wedding where the bridesmaids don't work and thus have no money at all. Buying one's own dress and things is expensive enough, but add a couple of parties with food, drink, and whatever else for 20 to god only knows how many people and it gets very expensive very quickly.
Personally, if you have the money, I'd say pay it. If you don't, we'll that can't exactly be helped, now can it? (And it will only cost the rest of them an extra $15)
posted by wierdo at 2:22 PM on April 3, 2007
Personally, if you have the money, I'd say pay it. If you don't, we'll that can't exactly be helped, now can it? (And it will only cost the rest of them an extra $15)
posted by wierdo at 2:22 PM on April 3, 2007
Wow, you don't say where you're from, but I would have been happy if my portion of my friend's bridal shower in downtown Chicago only cost me $100. I ended up paying almost $500 and there were 8 of us. A party, nicely done at a nice venue, is expensive, and a bridal shower is generally thrown by the bridesmaids. The good news for you is that it's common to have more than one shower - if you don't like how this one is going, then throw the bride your own shower, and invite your side of the family. Many times bridal showers are split up by the various contingencies in the family - there's one for the bride's side, one for the groom's side, one for the couple's friends, etc. I am just talking from my experience, though.
To give you some direct references, I am attending a bridal shower on Saturday at a small restaurant in a Chicago suburb. There are 15 people on the guest list, all friends of the bride's parents. Based on other parties I have thrown at this venue, I would imagine that this party for approximately 20 people (including the bride, groom, and their parents) would be about $700 including liqour and decorations. This is 20 people. I don't think $800 total is outrageous. Keep in mind that you are paying for the venue, labor, and materials like plates and linens in addition to the food/beverage.
posted by MeetMegan at 2:24 PM on April 3, 2007
To give you some direct references, I am attending a bridal shower on Saturday at a small restaurant in a Chicago suburb. There are 15 people on the guest list, all friends of the bride's parents. Based on other parties I have thrown at this venue, I would imagine that this party for approximately 20 people (including the bride, groom, and their parents) would be about $700 including liqour and decorations. This is 20 people. I don't think $800 total is outrageous. Keep in mind that you are paying for the venue, labor, and materials like plates and linens in addition to the food/beverage.
posted by MeetMegan at 2:24 PM on April 3, 2007
Since you have to host the shower anyway, they probably did you a favor by booking a place (I imagine you're not in the area where the wedding/shower is being held, and it would be harder to look from a distance. Even if not, less work for you!). Yes, it sucks to open one's wallet and pour out money for shit that seems stupid, but SURPRISE that's what being in someone's wedding is all about.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:25 PM on April 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:25 PM on April 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
A wedding is a stressful enough event without the bridesmaids causing trouble over something relatively insignificant.
It's only $100. Find it.
posted by Tacos Are Pretty Great at 2:28 PM on April 3, 2007
It's only $100. Find it.
posted by Tacos Are Pretty Great at 2:28 PM on April 3, 2007
Am I wrong to think that the matron of honor should have consulted us to find out what we were comfortable contributing before making plans?
No, you're not wrong to think that.
Does $800+ seem like a lot for a bridal shower?
Yes, but I only spent $500 on my entire wedding, so there you go.
Should i just suck it up and pay?
Yes. For only $100, you learned what some of your inlaws are like and what to expect in the future. Consider yourself lucky.
If it's really bothering you, mention it AFTER the wedding, so that the mother or sister are aware of how you feel about these things in the future.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:34 PM on April 3, 2007
No, you're not wrong to think that.
Does $800+ seem like a lot for a bridal shower?
Yes, but I only spent $500 on my entire wedding, so there you go.
Should i just suck it up and pay?
Yes. For only $100, you learned what some of your inlaws are like and what to expect in the future. Consider yourself lucky.
If it's really bothering you, mention it AFTER the wedding, so that the mother or sister are aware of how you feel about these things in the future.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:34 PM on April 3, 2007
If it's really bothering you, mention it AFTER the wedding, so that the mother or sister are aware of how you feel about these things in the future.
On the other hand, why bother? How often will you be seeing these people after the wedding? I can't imagine that I'm going to spend a lot of time with my sister's fiance's family, other than the wedding.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:37 PM on April 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
On the other hand, why bother? How often will you be seeing these people after the wedding? I can't imagine that I'm going to spend a lot of time with my sister's fiance's family, other than the wedding.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:37 PM on April 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
If you can afford to pay it, then suck it up and pay it. If you can't afford it, let the MOH know how much you can afford to pay, and let her figure out how to make up the difference. Yes, you should have been told how much that the club would cost before it was booked.
posted by donajo at 2:44 PM on April 3, 2007
posted by donajo at 2:44 PM on April 3, 2007
Oh, one other thing. If you are going to talk to anyone about it, talk to your brother or the Matron of Honor. Do not talk to the bring about it. She shouldn't have to deal with this.
posted by alms at 2:44 PM on April 3, 2007
posted by alms at 2:44 PM on April 3, 2007
Geez, huge bridal shower. Where I'm from, we just have them at a friend's house.
And yes, she was VERY rude, in my opinion not to ask for an amount - telling anyone what their contribution is without consulting them is preposterous.
posted by agregoli at 2:50 PM on April 3, 2007
And yes, she was VERY rude, in my opinion not to ask for an amount - telling anyone what their contribution is without consulting them is preposterous.
posted by agregoli at 2:50 PM on April 3, 2007
Yeah, they won't be your problem after the wedding.
I would leave the bride out of it and call the mother/sister and let them know that you can afford $X and you will be happy to pay $X. If they have a problem with that, advise them that you would have been happy to let them know how much you were able to afford if they had consulted you prior to making preparations. They would have to be really, really awful people to make a whole issue out of it or make you feel bad. At the end of the day, what can you do? As my mom likes to say, you can't squeeze blood out of a turnip.
It might be a good idea to consult your brother ahead of time.
posted by necessitas at 2:54 PM on April 3, 2007
I would leave the bride out of it and call the mother/sister and let them know that you can afford $X and you will be happy to pay $X. If they have a problem with that, advise them that you would have been happy to let them know how much you were able to afford if they had consulted you prior to making preparations. They would have to be really, really awful people to make a whole issue out of it or make you feel bad. At the end of the day, what can you do? As my mom likes to say, you can't squeeze blood out of a turnip.
It might be a good idea to consult your brother ahead of time.
posted by necessitas at 2:54 PM on April 3, 2007
She should not expect payment if she didn't get your agreement beforehand. I would set her straight on this ASAP.
If you can't pay, call MOH and say, "I'm sorry but my budget will not allow for an extra $100 expense." Then stop talking and let her explain herself. If you don't have the money, you don't have the money. She doesn't need to know all your business but let her know that you don't have the money for this and for future ideas she might have.
If you can pay, call MOH and say, "I wasn't expecting this extra expense. I will contribute the money for this event but would you please advise me of future costs well in advance, preferably 30 days. I do not have unlimited resources." You need to be very clear with this lady because if she's willing to charge you for the venue without your knowledge, she's willing to charge you for liquor, catering, decorations, and prizes for the shower.
Having said all that, I would just call my brother and say, "WTF?," and I'd make him pay.
BTW, to those saying that the OP should just pay, not everyone has an extra $100 to throw around. Never make assumptions about someone's resources. It was not so long ago that I didn't even have an extra $20 at the end of the month. Yes, there are cash strapped people even on the Interwebs.
posted by Soda-Da at 2:58 PM on April 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
If you can't pay, call MOH and say, "I'm sorry but my budget will not allow for an extra $100 expense." Then stop talking and let her explain herself. If you don't have the money, you don't have the money. She doesn't need to know all your business but let her know that you don't have the money for this and for future ideas she might have.
If you can pay, call MOH and say, "I wasn't expecting this extra expense. I will contribute the money for this event but would you please advise me of future costs well in advance, preferably 30 days. I do not have unlimited resources." You need to be very clear with this lady because if she's willing to charge you for the venue without your knowledge, she's willing to charge you for liquor, catering, decorations, and prizes for the shower.
Having said all that, I would just call my brother and say, "WTF?," and I'd make him pay.
BTW, to those saying that the OP should just pay, not everyone has an extra $100 to throw around. Never make assumptions about someone's resources. It was not so long ago that I didn't even have an extra $20 at the end of the month. Yes, there are cash strapped people even on the Interwebs.
posted by Soda-Da at 2:58 PM on April 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
Yeah, it's rude to have made the plan without running the cost by the bridesmaids. And yes, if you don't actually have the money I would let them know. There have been times in my life when $100 would have been nothing and times when it would have meant not being able to pay rent.
If it's not an actual financial problem then think about whether that $100 is worth causing bad feelings with future family, and just go ahead and pay. And remember that it's the bride's friend who is kind of rude, and your future sister in law might not know anything about it.
posted by MsMolly at 2:58 PM on April 3, 2007
If it's not an actual financial problem then think about whether that $100 is worth causing bad feelings with future family, and just go ahead and pay. And remember that it's the bride's friend who is kind of rude, and your future sister in law might not know anything about it.
posted by MsMolly at 2:58 PM on April 3, 2007
She should have asked. A bridal showed needn't be fancy - if someone has the space in their home, you can easily cater it inexpensively with stuff from Costco or BJs. I think it is asking a lot to stump up $100 without being consulted - and I am guessing the bridesmaids are already shelling out, individually, a couple hundred for the dress, shoes, day-of beauty, etc.
On its face, $100 doesn't seem to be a lot, but I really think the MOH should have checked with everyone beforehand to make sure that $100 was within everyone's budget, and if it wasn't, to find alternatives.
I would suck it up for now, though. I don't know if it's worth it to get into an argument or disagreement with your brother and SIL to be at this moment - they are probably already incredibly stressed as it is.
posted by sutel at 3:02 PM on April 3, 2007
On its face, $100 doesn't seem to be a lot, but I really think the MOH should have checked with everyone beforehand to make sure that $100 was within everyone's budget, and if it wasn't, to find alternatives.
I would suck it up for now, though. I don't know if it's worth it to get into an argument or disagreement with your brother and SIL to be at this moment - they are probably already incredibly stressed as it is.
posted by sutel at 3:02 PM on April 3, 2007
The last bridal shower I went to (70 guests, barbecue at a country club) had prizes for the games that were played and favors for all of the guests (wooden spoons and other small items from a kitchen store). There were also printed invitations.
It's possible that your $100 contribution is going towards some of these elements, and you might be able to trade it for labor instead. Maybe you could make the invitations or design the games, tie ribbons, make the cake, etc. Do you have access to any resources that you could contribute instead of cash?
And yes, she should have gotten your input, but what's left now is just solving the problem -- the matron of honor still needs $800, or a cheaper venue.
posted by xo at 3:10 PM on April 3, 2007
It's possible that your $100 contribution is going towards some of these elements, and you might be able to trade it for labor instead. Maybe you could make the invitations or design the games, tie ribbons, make the cake, etc. Do you have access to any resources that you could contribute instead of cash?
And yes, she should have gotten your input, but what's left now is just solving the problem -- the matron of honor still needs $800, or a cheaper venue.
posted by xo at 3:10 PM on April 3, 2007
Yes, your input should have been sought before making the plans - especially if it is going to cost $100 for each person however, it is probably best not to make a big deal out of it.
posted by DKD at 3:25 PM on April 3, 2007
posted by DKD at 3:25 PM on April 3, 2007
Wouldn't it be fun to be the one no-drama person in the wedding party?
Wouldn't it be great, if you just did whatever the plan was no matter how inappropriately conveyed, and if some matron of honor with bridezillitis-by-proxy needed to push everyone around, you just -- let her push you?
Your sister-in-law would deeply appreciate it, your brother would feel that you were cool with his wife and her idiot friend at least partially because you love him.
Maybe fighting the good fight (and FWIW I totally agree with you) is a more natural reaction, but I think will just piss you off and set you off to a less-than-ideal start with your brother and his wife. Because you cannot win this. Just think of the mighty reed, and suck it up.
posted by Methylviolet at 3:32 PM on April 3, 2007 [2 favorites]
Wouldn't it be great, if you just did whatever the plan was no matter how inappropriately conveyed, and if some matron of honor with bridezillitis-by-proxy needed to push everyone around, you just -- let her push you?
Your sister-in-law would deeply appreciate it, your brother would feel that you were cool with his wife and her idiot friend at least partially because you love him.
Maybe fighting the good fight (and FWIW I totally agree with you) is a more natural reaction, but I think will just piss you off and set you off to a less-than-ideal start with your brother and his wife. Because you cannot win this. Just think of the mighty reed, and suck it up.
posted by Methylviolet at 3:32 PM on April 3, 2007 [2 favorites]
I think xo makes a very good suggestion. Couple the "I can only afford $XX" with "but maybe there is something else I can do or some additional responsibility I can take on to make it up to you and the rest of the bridesmaids.
If you can afford it, pay it, though. It is somewhat rude for all the plans to have been made without at least some sort of consultation, but if that is the worst part of your being a bridesmaid, consider yourself lucky.
posted by Rock Steady at 3:56 PM on April 3, 2007
If you can afford it, pay it, though. It is somewhat rude for all the plans to have been made without at least some sort of consultation, but if that is the worst part of your being a bridesmaid, consider yourself lucky.
posted by Rock Steady at 3:56 PM on April 3, 2007
Soda-Da has given you by far the best piece of advice:
Having said all that, I would just call my brother and say, "WTF?," and I'd make him pay.
He'll pay, I guarantee.
posted by Cycloptichorn at 3:57 PM on April 3, 2007
Having said all that, I would just call my brother and say, "WTF?," and I'd make him pay.
He'll pay, I guarantee.
posted by Cycloptichorn at 3:57 PM on April 3, 2007
I'd have to agree with Methylviolet. You're right. But, unless $ is really tight, it probably is worth it to just pay it and make things easier on yourself and your brother.
posted by krudiger at 5:04 PM on April 3, 2007
posted by krudiger at 5:04 PM on April 3, 2007
Man, I have to agree w/the OP here-this is really going above and beyond. Remember, she's paid $500 bucks already. I have no idea about her financial situation, but lots of bridesmaids I know are in their early 20s and fresh out of college and $600 is a huge deal. It would be very, very rare for a bridal shower where I live-NOrthwest-to be such a big deal, with catering and country clubs and all that. Here they are typically held in someone's home and are pretty casual. If I was asked to be a bridesmaid in someone's wedding, that's what I would assume I would be commiting to, so therefore helping with the cost of the shower, etc, would be a much smaller expense and I would be astonished (and peeved) to learn it would be that much more.
Yeah, pay it if you can, and move on. But I agree the MOH, etc, have acted badly in this (seems like this is something everyone who is paying should help plan).
posted by purenitrous at 5:10 PM on April 3, 2007
Yeah, pay it if you can, and move on. But I agree the MOH, etc, have acted badly in this (seems like this is something everyone who is paying should help plan).
posted by purenitrous at 5:10 PM on April 3, 2007
i wouldn't let $100 create a potential life-long rift in your relationship with your sister in law, and possibly your brother
posted by Salvatorparadise at 5:14 PM on April 3, 2007
posted by Salvatorparadise at 5:14 PM on April 3, 2007
This is ridiculous. I was just the matron of honor for my best friend and I gave her shower with another friend. The friend offered her home and bought many supplies, etc, but I paid for everything else--including the services of a masseuse for everyone for several hours (with tip). I would never, ever, have thought of "billing" the other bridesmaids/guests. That's why I was giving the shower, not them.
posted by GaelFC at 6:14 PM on April 3, 2007
posted by GaelFC at 6:14 PM on April 3, 2007
Bitch to your brother and he'll give you the $100 I bet.
posted by thilmony at 6:42 PM on April 3, 2007
posted by thilmony at 6:42 PM on April 3, 2007
I didn't through all the responses, but with that many bridesmaids I would imagine that organizing anything that will satisfy everyone (including the bride -- who's obviously the most important person in the group) would be impossible. It's possible that organizing your own shower would be a bad idea since the bride may have only wanted one, and the family may have already had a bit of rout about it (as they usually do about anything wedding related).
I agree with others. It's $100. I realize that it could stretch the wallet if you're not in the best of situations, but $100 is not (IMO) as big a burden as causing a rift.
posted by purephase at 6:47 PM on April 3, 2007
I agree with others. It's $100. I realize that it could stretch the wallet if you're not in the best of situations, but $100 is not (IMO) as big a burden as causing a rift.
posted by purephase at 6:47 PM on April 3, 2007
Good grief, a happy family occasion, $100 -- you could easily spend that much on sneakers or a half dozen books or two decent pairs of jeans. Life is fleeting, celebrations are rare. Grow up, pay up, say nothing! Count blessings that everyone's healthy enough to be optimistic about the future.
posted by thinkpiece at 7:00 PM on April 3, 2007
posted by thinkpiece at 7:00 PM on April 3, 2007
As a bride, I did not expect that such a party be thrown for me. However, if I did expect that kind of thing, I would expect it to cost far more than $800. Having been involved in the planning of a wedding or three, I can say that I would never expect people to pony up funds on a moment's notice like that, and that to do so is poor form and rude on the part of the person simply assuming you (and everyone else) have the resources to put toward this.
All of that said, if you do have the money, it's easier on everyone if you just pay up and let it go. It's not worth holding on to some stupid thing for the rest of your life (or the week, for that matter) when it's not even necessarily your sister-in-law-to-be's doing -- it's her sister, whom you may never see again (depending upon how holidays and such what are handled).
If you don't have the money, then bring it up with the person you think it will be most productive to talk to -- your brother, if that's the case, or maybe your mom and dad, whomever can and will help you make this work without making a big deal of it. Trust me, there is already at least one person making an all mighty ass out of herself in this. No need to make it two, even if you're justified.
posted by Medieval Maven at 7:12 PM on April 3, 2007
All of that said, if you do have the money, it's easier on everyone if you just pay up and let it go. It's not worth holding on to some stupid thing for the rest of your life (or the week, for that matter) when it's not even necessarily your sister-in-law-to-be's doing -- it's her sister, whom you may never see again (depending upon how holidays and such what are handled).
If you don't have the money, then bring it up with the person you think it will be most productive to talk to -- your brother, if that's the case, or maybe your mom and dad, whomever can and will help you make this work without making a big deal of it. Trust me, there is already at least one person making an all mighty ass out of herself in this. No need to make it two, even if you're justified.
posted by Medieval Maven at 7:12 PM on April 3, 2007
I hate weddings. And to have to spend ridiculous amounts of money on it, to me, is absurd. Since it's not like you're the bride or a relative of the bride. I don't know about everybody else, but that is a significant amount of money IMO. And it's not just $100 at this point. If it were really just a $100, then yeah just pay it. But it's not. Maybe to others it's no big deal cause they make good money, but not all of us are so fortunate. (Don't get offended, anyone. I'm just stating my opinion.)
Weddings.. I've never been to one and I refuse to. Even for my own brother. That's right. I actually refused to attend my brother's wedding. Did it damage our relationship? I don't know. I don't think so. I don't regret my decision. If you've got a good relationship with him and everything, he should understand and not hold it against you.
So basically.. I'm advocating the potentially scandalous opinion that you can do as you like. What do you think you should do? Then do it. Obviously.. a public tirade is perhaps a bit much. Not that you would do that. But if you feel you should discuss this with the MOH or who ever is responsible really then do so. If you choose to do something of that nature, don't be intimidated. Someone else mentioned the idea of maybe doing something else in lieu of payment. That would be fair, wouldn't it?
Whatever you choose to do, good luck. Weddings seem to make people insane, and I like to stay far far away from it all. (Again.. I meant no offense to anyone.)
posted by VegaValmont at 7:41 PM on April 3, 2007
Weddings.. I've never been to one and I refuse to. Even for my own brother. That's right. I actually refused to attend my brother's wedding. Did it damage our relationship? I don't know. I don't think so. I don't regret my decision. If you've got a good relationship with him and everything, he should understand and not hold it against you.
So basically.. I'm advocating the potentially scandalous opinion that you can do as you like. What do you think you should do? Then do it. Obviously.. a public tirade is perhaps a bit much. Not that you would do that. But if you feel you should discuss this with the MOH or who ever is responsible really then do so. If you choose to do something of that nature, don't be intimidated. Someone else mentioned the idea of maybe doing something else in lieu of payment. That would be fair, wouldn't it?
Whatever you choose to do, good luck. Weddings seem to make people insane, and I like to stay far far away from it all. (Again.. I meant no offense to anyone.)
posted by VegaValmont at 7:41 PM on April 3, 2007
Yes, it is pushy and tacky on the part of the MOH and her mother. They're not throwing a bridal shower, it's a pre-reception, for heaven's sake. The point of a shower was supposed to be a chance for the bride-to-be to get together with some of her girlfriends, and they'd give her little personal things like nighties and oven mitts and things like that as gifts. But these days folks book country clubs at register at Nieman Marcus and expect friends and relatives to completely outfit their new home.
If you've got the $100, go ahead, but I like the suggestion of mentioning to the MOH that you weren't expecting this additional expense, etc.
posted by Oriole Adams at 7:52 PM on April 3, 2007
If you've got the $100, go ahead, but I like the suggestion of mentioning to the MOH that you weren't expecting this additional expense, etc.
posted by Oriole Adams at 7:52 PM on April 3, 2007
"If it's really bothering you, mention it AFTER the wedding, so that the mother or sister are aware of how you feel about these things in the future."
The next time? They're only gettin' married once, God willing.
Perhaps go with the "I don't have that now. I can pay it off later" and give Matron $10 a month for the better part of a year? Hopefully, she'll be gracious and waive it off for you.
posted by klangklangston at 8:40 PM on April 3, 2007
The next time? They're only gettin' married once, God willing.
Perhaps go with the "I don't have that now. I can pay it off later" and give Matron $10 a month for the better part of a year? Hopefully, she'll be gracious and waive it off for you.
posted by klangklangston at 8:40 PM on April 3, 2007
It seems incredibly inconsiderate to me. Also, I think $800 for a bridal shower is exorbitant, and immediate family shouldn't be planning bridal showers anyway. That said, and even though money's *always* been tight for me, knowing what I know now, I would cough it up, because an extra $100 isn't worth causing ripples in the extended family this early on. (You'll have plenty of time to stand your ground later if they continue to make unreasonable demands).
posted by eleyna at 8:58 PM on April 3, 2007
posted by eleyna at 8:58 PM on April 3, 2007
Yes, you should have been told "We are all throwing a bridal shower and what would we like to do/how much can we each afford?" before the mother and sister made plans. You're already on the hook for the dress and so forth by being a bridesmaid; wtf? Not everyone has an unlimited wallet (I can't say I'm really surprised at the responses here, but I couldn't afford $100 for the wedding gift alone, much less a contribution to a party, and I would be pretty upset if I were told I was expected to shell out without being consulted).
Bridesmaids often throw the shower with the matron of honor, but you should've all decided together if you wanted to throw one and been included in the plans. I, personally, think $800 is a lot for a party that in my experience is held in someone's home or a simple lunch in a restaurant's back room, but sounds like you are moving in different circles there. I also think, regardless of that, weddings and wedding-related activities should be based on what is affordable and not what you think you are entitled to or "what everyone expects".
I would say, firmly and politely, "I wasn't consulted before you made these plans, and I wish I had been, because I can't afford $100. I can afford (X amount) and I can help out with decorating/setting up/planning games etc." If they make a big deal out of it, that's their problem; if you don't have the money, you don't have the money, and it's their misstep. It's beyond rude of them to assume you can pony up for whatever wedding-related this and that they decide on without asking you, and were it me, I'd stand my ground.
posted by Melinika at 9:19 PM on April 3, 2007
Bridesmaids often throw the shower with the matron of honor, but you should've all decided together if you wanted to throw one and been included in the plans. I, personally, think $800 is a lot for a party that in my experience is held in someone's home or a simple lunch in a restaurant's back room, but sounds like you are moving in different circles there. I also think, regardless of that, weddings and wedding-related activities should be based on what is affordable and not what you think you are entitled to or "what everyone expects".
I would say, firmly and politely, "I wasn't consulted before you made these plans, and I wish I had been, because I can't afford $100. I can afford (X amount) and I can help out with decorating/setting up/planning games etc." If they make a big deal out of it, that's their problem; if you don't have the money, you don't have the money, and it's their misstep. It's beyond rude of them to assume you can pony up for whatever wedding-related this and that they decide on without asking you, and were it me, I'd stand my ground.
posted by Melinika at 9:19 PM on April 3, 2007
I tend to be a getalong gal and who prizes thoughtful concession. I will do anything for a bride, including hair, makeup, emergency dress repairs. I will find for her substances licit or not. I will do violence on her behalf to the drunk and disorderly or just plain mean. What I won't do is be shaken down like a Okie tourist in a New York whorehouse. I find this sort of presumptuous sort of tackiness intolerable.
So decide for yourself if you can tolerate it. If you can, pay without a word. If you can't, politely say "That's not possible." You are not required to explain your financial state. The mother will work it out, your brother will work it out -- or god forfend, the Bride, now a cultural figure who has somehow eclipsed Kali in fearful veneration, will figure it out. Whatever you decide, be nice and polite about it. Like Melinika says, this is not your problem, it's theirs.
posted by melissa may at 9:30 PM on April 3, 2007 [5 favorites]
So decide for yourself if you can tolerate it. If you can, pay without a word. If you can't, politely say "That's not possible." You are not required to explain your financial state. The mother will work it out, your brother will work it out -- or god forfend, the Bride, now a cultural figure who has somehow eclipsed Kali in fearful veneration, will figure it out. Whatever you decide, be nice and polite about it. Like Melinika says, this is not your problem, it's theirs.
posted by melissa may at 9:30 PM on April 3, 2007 [5 favorites]
Geez. What's wrong with throwing a party at somebody's house? The last big party I threw cost me a few days of running around, about 150AUD, and we had over 100 guests. And it was drastically over-catered.
To some, 100USD is not a lot of money; when I was the matron of honour at my best friend's wedding, it would have covered half a month's rent, or food for my husband and I for 10 weeks, or what I shelled out for the dress.
When I was getting married, most of my friends were poor students. Our gift registry *had* to include items in the sub-10$ range, because that's all some of them could afford.
In my opinion? Ring up the Matron of Honour, say 'wtf', and politely refuse to pony up until she explains, to your satisfaction, exactly how she thinks it is polite and appropriate to demand random sums of money from people.
posted by ysabet at 10:05 PM on April 3, 2007
To some, 100USD is not a lot of money; when I was the matron of honour at my best friend's wedding, it would have covered half a month's rent, or food for my husband and I for 10 weeks, or what I shelled out for the dress.
When I was getting married, most of my friends were poor students. Our gift registry *had* to include items in the sub-10$ range, because that's all some of them could afford.
In my opinion? Ring up the Matron of Honour, say 'wtf', and politely refuse to pony up until she explains, to your satisfaction, exactly how she thinks it is polite and appropriate to demand random sums of money from people.
posted by ysabet at 10:05 PM on April 3, 2007
You're right, this was inconsiderate. However, at this point you have been left exactly zero graceful exits - which, actually, is probably the most inconsiderate thing about the whole situation.
If I were you I'd just say to myself "in for a penny, in for a pound," grit my teeth, and try to bear it.
If you can't do that, I think the next best step would be to write a polite note to the matron of honor - do it in writing so she has a moment to think about it before she starts in on you - that says, "Dear M. O'H., I'm so sorry, and I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I can't afford another $100 to spend on this wedding. Please help me figure out what to do about this." Don't take her phone call, which she'll make within minutes of reading this note; make her leave a message, and then call her back the next day.
This is not graceful - it is matching rudeness to rudeness - but if you really can't dig up the $100, it's the right way to go.
posted by ikkyu2 at 10:43 PM on April 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
If I were you I'd just say to myself "in for a penny, in for a pound," grit my teeth, and try to bear it.
If you can't do that, I think the next best step would be to write a polite note to the matron of honor - do it in writing so she has a moment to think about it before she starts in on you - that says, "Dear M. O'H., I'm so sorry, and I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I can't afford another $100 to spend on this wedding. Please help me figure out what to do about this." Don't take her phone call, which she'll make within minutes of reading this note; make her leave a message, and then call her back the next day.
This is not graceful - it is matching rudeness to rudeness - but if you really can't dig up the $100, it's the right way to go.
posted by ikkyu2 at 10:43 PM on April 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
What alms said. If it were me, I would not let this hundred dollars get in the way of your relationship with your brother.
posted by xammerboy at 10:53 PM on April 3, 2007
posted by xammerboy at 10:53 PM on April 3, 2007
I have never heard of a bridal shower at a country club. In my experience, they are always at someone's house, and somewhat informal. It's a shower, for God's sake. I kind of just want to shake the MoH by the shoulders and say "what are you thinking?!", but perhaps I just don't move in rarefied country-club circles.
Anyway, $100 is indeed an outrageous amount, especially given the $500 you've already spent (I imagine that was on the dress, etc. -- other things you probably didn't get to choose either, but that you probably expected to have to buy). The MoH should have mentioned it to the bridesmaids before booking the site; otherwise, it's her responsibility to pay, I think.
posted by litlnemo at 10:55 PM on April 3, 2007
Anyway, $100 is indeed an outrageous amount, especially given the $500 you've already spent (I imagine that was on the dress, etc. -- other things you probably didn't get to choose either, but that you probably expected to have to buy). The MoH should have mentioned it to the bridesmaids before booking the site; otherwise, it's her responsibility to pay, I think.
posted by litlnemo at 10:55 PM on April 3, 2007
But I forgot to post a way to deal with this. I like what ikkyu2 said. If you can manage it, pay (darn it), but if not, his strategy is very good.
posted by litlnemo at 10:57 PM on April 3, 2007
posted by litlnemo at 10:57 PM on April 3, 2007
Another thing to consider is if you decide to pay will there be more hidden costs to come? Then you would have $600 'not being difficult' deposit to weigh up. Unspeakably rude that you were TOLD to pay $100 even if it were $10 I believe the polite thing to do would be to ask a person. If it were me I'd take the bitch on, I'd pay it but I'd put her in her place. Dominant personality huh? Ok, well how does not your doormat go and get fucked sound? ...not a fan of standover types :)
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 8:21 AM on April 4, 2007
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 8:21 AM on April 4, 2007
I think that a large number of the respondents are forgetting that there is a real bride, a real wedding, and a real dream being played out here.
And that you'd be putting a bit of it at risk, for $100.
Especially remember that none of it is the bride's fault. but it's her day that you'll be ruining if you let it get excited.
Real life is not the Internet. Please do not be a huge asshole.
posted by Tacos Are Pretty Great at 5:06 AM on April 5, 2007
And that you'd be putting a bit of it at risk, for $100.
Especially remember that none of it is the bride's fault. but it's her day that you'll be ruining if you let it get excited.
Real life is not the Internet. Please do not be a huge asshole.
posted by Tacos Are Pretty Great at 5:06 AM on April 5, 2007
If the MoH is doing her job, it's not going to ruin the bride's day. (In other words, if the poster tells the MoH she can't afford it, the MoH shouldn't go running to the bride. The MoH should just find a way to cover the cost, or whatever. And the poster shouldn't go running to the bride either.)
posted by litlnemo at 6:06 AM on April 5, 2007
posted by litlnemo at 6:06 AM on April 5, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by jerseygirl at 1:53 PM on April 3, 2007