How do you make sure grandparents stay out of the picture?

January 5, 2007 2:02 PM

How do you make sure grandparents stay out of the picture? I'd like to be a parent someday and of course successfully protect my child from harm. This would mean raising him or her without contact with my family. My greatest fear is someone forcing grandparent/other relative visitation somehow: is this even possible? Looking for opinions, anecdotes, articles, legal precedents, books, websites etc. that deal with this situation...

There is a history of child abuse in my family (did you guess already?), but no one has ever reported or pressed charges, so I would not legally be able to prove to legal types what a bad idea any granting of visitation rights would be. I do not plan on pressing any charges in the future, nor would I be able to (statute of limitations). I reside in the same state as the family members; but really I'd like to hear how any state in the US deals with this.

I'd especially like to hear how anyone personally has dealt with phasing abusive family out of their (and their children's) lives, legally and/or emotionally.

So yeah. Heard any horror stories or happy endings featuring bad family vs. good parents?

posted by anonymous to Law & Government (19 answers total)

"You are not permitted within my home. You are not permitted to contact me. Any contact will be construed as harassment and reported to police."

AFAIK, and IANAL, grandparents can't sue for visitation.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:08 PM on January 5, 2007

"The U.S. Supreme Court decided that grandparents do not have an automatic right to visit their grandchildren. That decision was based on a Washington State case involving the grandparents of two sisters, ages 8 and 10. The Supreme Court said a state law giving the grandparents visitation rights actually violated the U.S. Constitution" source.

As far as I know you have a right to pick and choose who spends time with your child as long as you are a competent caregiver.
posted by LoriFLA at 2:11 PM on January 5, 2007

I had the same question: my fiancee's father, a lawyer, told me threateningly that he would have rights as a grandparent.

It turns out that, while a few states have tried to posit limited rights for grandparents, the Supreme Court has ruled that grandparents don't have any more right than anybody else to visitation or custody, even if the original parents are unfit.

You don't have to worry.
posted by koeselitz at 2:13 PM on January 5, 2007

Oh, and it's very easy to get a restraining order. Remember that, and use it if you need to.
posted by koeselitz at 2:16 PM on January 5, 2007

I think the real possibility might be that they would gain custody if you died, were incapacitated or were found unfit. I'd make sure my affairs were in order. Think: Find good, trustworthy godparents and create an airtight will, as well as, a living will. At the very least, it might provide some closure for this particular worry.
posted by Skwirl at 2:26 PM on January 5, 2007

Follow-on question since someone I know is in a similar situation:

She is also afraid of her parents somehow getting custody of her children should something happen to her and the children's dad.

Is there anything she can do now to have an appointed guardian (a cousin she grew up with and is very close to) get the children and not her parents?
posted by vacapinta at 2:29 PM on January 5, 2007

Here is some more analysis of the 2000 U.S. Supreme Court, Troxel v. Granville case cited above, with discussion of California's grandparents visitation rights law.
posted by jaimev at 2:31 PM on January 5, 2007

Yes, absolutely (depending on jurisdiction). She needs to contact a lawyer.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:31 PM on January 5, 2007

vacapinta: Yes, she can. This can be done in her will and it will be respected, so long as the designated person is a reasonably responsible person. She can even designate a backup in the event that the cousin does not or cannot take on the responsibility.
posted by megatherium at 3:13 PM on January 5, 2007

i had some pretty awful parents. luckily my father passed away, so that was one down. but my mother is a world class detective/stalker. she's convinced bank tellers to give my account number. she's convinced credit card companies that i was hurt and that she needed to find me. after college, i joined the army and never told anyone. she found me in Heidelberg Germany with the Red Cross. i dont know your situation, but your best bet is to get far away and dont acknowledge them for a second. my problem is that i have contact with my siblings and their children - which always leads back to her finding me.

get a restraining order and dont do it halfway. if you plan on no contact, dont get weak and change your mind around Xmas. i just did that last month and i regret it every time i hit the 'ignore' button on my cell phone.
posted by Davaal at 3:18 PM on January 5, 2007

I am a grandparent. I would never demand to see my grandkids. Parents are the authority with their offspring. Even if some law someplace says grandparents have a right to be with their grandchildren. There surely is no law that says that you have to let the grandparents be with the grandchildren without supervision. And distance is a great equalizer.
I love my grandkids when they come to see me. And I surely love them just as much when they go home. Somethimes even more.
posted by JayRwv at 4:02 PM on January 5, 2007

I did my law school senior thesis on Troxel v. Granville (the cultural implications). You really have nothing to worry about. For a time, there looked to be a grandparents' rights movement brewing but it's died down.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 5:45 PM on January 5, 2007

IANAL... but I remember a friend going through a similar thing. The one thing she did upon birth of her child was to have a will drafted for both her and her husband expressly stating who the children go to in case of their death, so there was no chance in hell of anyone trying to claim custody of their kid. I wonder if you can include "in case you are temporarily unable to care for your child" - meaning if you are hospitalized, etc.
posted by haplesschild at 7:21 PM on January 5, 2007

JayRwv writes:

I am a grandparent. I would never demand to see my grandkids.

(1) Rational grandparents, like you, are not the problem here.

(2) There *have* been attempts at the state level to legislate "grandparents' rights." Happily, they seem to have failed court tests so far.
posted by enrevanche at 10:38 AM on January 6, 2007

I am a lawyer...you really should get your own lawyer rather than taking any of the assurances offered in this thread. (I always say that, but in this case I really really mean it.) Only a lawyer will be able to tell you the things you can do to protect yourself in your state and your particular situation. Your nest AskMe question should be about how to find yourself the best family law attorney in your town.
posted by footnote at 3:32 PM on January 7, 2007

footnote, without violating confidences, can you give some examples of ways that grandparents could force visitation or custody?
posted by lodurr at 5:54 AM on January 8, 2007

From Nolo.com's article on Grandparent Rights. The most important line is the last one: "courts have made contradictory rulings." That's why it's essential to get your own lawyer:

"Child Visitation Laws
All 50 states currently have some type of "grandparent visitation" statute through which grandparents and sometimes others (foster parents and stepparents, for example) can ask a court to grant them the legal right to maintain their relationships with loved children. But state laws vary greatly when it comes to the crucial details, such as who can visit and under what circumstances.

Approximately 20 states have "restrictive" visitation statutes, meaning that generally only grandparents can get a court order for visitation -- and only if the child's parents are divorcing or if one or both parents have died. However, most states have more permissive visitation laws that allow courts to consider a visitation request even without the death of a parent or the dissolution of the family, so long as visitation would serve the best interests of the child. Some states allow caretaking adults besides grandparents to make such a petition.

Both restrictive and permissive visitation statutes have been challenged in court by parents who argue that the laws are an infringement on parents' rights to raise their children as they see fit. Courts have made contradictory rulings."
posted by footnote at 6:03 AM on January 8, 2007

(Thanks. This is also a minor issue for my fiance and I, as well as for my brother and his wife. I thought having some of the risks clarified might help prevent undue confidence.)
posted by lodurr at 6:14 AM on January 8, 2007

You're welcome! I don't really care for my parents (although they're not as bad as anon's sounds) and one of the first things I'll do when/if I have kids is contact a family law attorney to make sure everything is in order so that they could never get custody or force visitation.

Here's some more info from Nolo about how to find a lawyer.
posted by footnote at 7:42 AM on January 8, 2007