How should I mend this unraveling thing?
October 25, 2006 10:45 AM Subscribe
I used to be friends this girl...
We used to be able to share things and be able to talk to each other. But lately she's been very distant to me, despite my attempts to be have her open up, and this is making me feel really depressed.
We used to hang out a lot in college and had mutual friends, one of whom she liked. She came to me about it, and I tried to get them together, despite my wishes. It made me a little jealous, but I never let on, because of the weird dynamics already in our relationship. Maybe it was because I'm slower to mature than others and lack confidence.
We graduated and went on with our lives, still e-mailing each other every once in a while. And I'd send her stuff on Christmas or her birthday.
But for the past year or so, I've felt very distant from her. In our e-mail correspondences, she never comments on the personal things I mention, even things that are embarrassing to talk about, and focuses on things that related to her, or that confuses her, never putting in a word of condolence, unless it's in the most superficial way. It leaves me a little cold.
And I'm surprised and hurt by this. I know she's capable of expressing warmth, because I've seen how she interacts with other people, and it's only with me that she acts this way.
She has always held personal matters close to her, but she's not secretive. Because of our distance, of course I don't need to know, about what she does on a day-to-day basis like in college, and that's part of why our topics of conversation have dried up. It just seems that now she only gives me a glimpse into her life, whereas we used to be able to share our thoughts and feelings. It's her choice, but I thought we were friends.
We haven't had a chance to hang out one-on-one, and usually end up with our old friends. She usually warms up better with the guys in the group already attached, and I'm sort of confused. And despite this, we were and still are better friends than they were. I know this.
Yes, I liked her and I do like her a lot. But again, I have never told her this. It's my elephant in the room, except maybe she's oblivious to that, or maybe she knows and wants to keep it that way. It's hard to read her and even more difficult to tell her.
What's especially sad for me is that I think I'm one of the few people who is genuinely nice to her, and she never reciprocates. Everything has been so awkward between us.
What should I do about this crumbling friendship? I can't leave it like it is, but maybe I can take it less personally. I don't know. I do like to improve our situation, but how?
We used to be able to share things and be able to talk to each other. But lately she's been very distant to me, despite my attempts to be have her open up, and this is making me feel really depressed.
We used to hang out a lot in college and had mutual friends, one of whom she liked. She came to me about it, and I tried to get them together, despite my wishes. It made me a little jealous, but I never let on, because of the weird dynamics already in our relationship. Maybe it was because I'm slower to mature than others and lack confidence.
We graduated and went on with our lives, still e-mailing each other every once in a while. And I'd send her stuff on Christmas or her birthday.
But for the past year or so, I've felt very distant from her. In our e-mail correspondences, she never comments on the personal things I mention, even things that are embarrassing to talk about, and focuses on things that related to her, or that confuses her, never putting in a word of condolence, unless it's in the most superficial way. It leaves me a little cold.
And I'm surprised and hurt by this. I know she's capable of expressing warmth, because I've seen how she interacts with other people, and it's only with me that she acts this way.
She has always held personal matters close to her, but she's not secretive. Because of our distance, of course I don't need to know, about what she does on a day-to-day basis like in college, and that's part of why our topics of conversation have dried up. It just seems that now she only gives me a glimpse into her life, whereas we used to be able to share our thoughts and feelings. It's her choice, but I thought we were friends.
We haven't had a chance to hang out one-on-one, and usually end up with our old friends. She usually warms up better with the guys in the group already attached, and I'm sort of confused. And despite this, we were and still are better friends than they were. I know this.
Yes, I liked her and I do like her a lot. But again, I have never told her this. It's my elephant in the room, except maybe she's oblivious to that, or maybe she knows and wants to keep it that way. It's hard to read her and even more difficult to tell her.
What's especially sad for me is that I think I'm one of the few people who is genuinely nice to her, and she never reciprocates. Everything has been so awkward between us.
What should I do about this crumbling friendship? I can't leave it like it is, but maybe I can take it less personally. I don't know. I do like to improve our situation, but how?
People change. Not all friendships last.
I'm pretty sure you missed your chance on this one -- if you wanted a more-than-friends relationship with her, you should've spoken up when it could've done some good.
Best advice I can offer is to mark that one as a missed opportunity and look for love closer to home. Not what you want to hear, probably.
posted by ook at 11:00 AM on October 25, 2006
I'm pretty sure you missed your chance on this one -- if you wanted a more-than-friends relationship with her, you should've spoken up when it could've done some good.
Best advice I can offer is to mark that one as a missed opportunity and look for love closer to home. Not what you want to hear, probably.
posted by ook at 11:00 AM on October 25, 2006
Unless you have a strong basis to go on, a long distant relationship of any kind won't work. I don't know of any way to salvage it that even by a face-to-face meeting could fix. It happens.
posted by JJ86 at 11:01 AM on October 25, 2006
posted by JJ86 at 11:01 AM on October 25, 2006
She knows you like her and is trying to back away. Take her hints and move on.
posted by Kwantsar at 11:01 AM on October 25, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by Kwantsar at 11:01 AM on October 25, 2006 [1 favorite]
Friends drift apart. It's sad but often true. Maybe ThePinkSuperhero is right, or maybe this girl just doesn't like you, or maybe she's having a lot of problems that she's dealing with. You can either accept this and move on, or confront her about her changed behavior. The latter may result in her getting angry and you two "breaking up" as friends anyway. It's up to you.
posted by muddgirl at 11:02 AM on October 25, 2006
posted by muddgirl at 11:02 AM on October 25, 2006
Are you sure that what you consider 'nice' is actually nice and not some kind of patronizing groveling that may be tedious for her to deal with?
Also...enough with the freakin email. Call her. Look for vocal clues. Email is a piss poor way to conduct a friendship and is a cop out.
posted by spicynuts at 11:03 AM on October 25, 2006
Also...enough with the freakin email. Call her. Look for vocal clues. Email is a piss poor way to conduct a friendship and is a cop out.
posted by spicynuts at 11:03 AM on October 25, 2006
From personal experience of a similar situation:
She knows you like her and is trying to back away. Take her hints and move on.
posted by MsMolly at 11:23 AM on October 25, 2006
She knows you like her and is trying to back away. Take her hints and move on.
posted by MsMolly at 11:23 AM on October 25, 2006
Distance sometimes does not make the heart grow fonder. It actually sort of dulls things. If that connection that you two have had since college is weakening, even if you can talk to her in person, it will still put her in an awkward situation. But if it needs to be said, it needs to be said. Really, what do you have to lose? Would you rather Lose a friend, or a keep shell of a friendship?
(Geez. I really should heed my own advice.)
And yes, even though e-mail is not as immediate as talking on the phone, or in person, it's still better than nothing. So let's not harp on that.
posted by i8ny3x at 11:25 AM on October 25, 2006
(Geez. I really should heed my own advice.)
And yes, even though e-mail is not as immediate as talking on the phone, or in person, it's still better than nothing. So let's not harp on that.
posted by i8ny3x at 11:25 AM on October 25, 2006
Friendships are just like any relationship: they don't all last forever. Sometimes they just fade for no specific "reason" other than that's just sometimes the course of how people's lives work. It sounds like she doesn't feel much of a connection with you any longer -- regardless of whether or not you think she should (e.g. "I think I'm one of the few people who is genuinely nice to her, and she never reciprocates")-- and so she's moving on.
Of course that hurts; a friendship breakup can be as painful as a romantic breakup (sometimes even more so, because there's not always the final, explicit "it's OVER" moment) and it can take some time to get through the sadness, sense of rejection, etc. But given the situation you're describing (and the fact that it's gone on for a year or more), it sounds to me like that's about your only option.
posted by scody at 11:25 AM on October 25, 2006
Of course that hurts; a friendship breakup can be as painful as a romantic breakup (sometimes even more so, because there's not always the final, explicit "it's OVER" moment) and it can take some time to get through the sadness, sense of rejection, etc. But given the situation you're describing (and the fact that it's gone on for a year or more), it sounds to me like that's about your only option.
posted by scody at 11:25 AM on October 25, 2006
Ditto TPS and MsMolly. I've done this to guys and I've had it done to me.
posted by amro at 11:26 AM on October 25, 2006
posted by amro at 11:26 AM on October 25, 2006
I think TPS and Kwantsar have the most likely explanation.
If correct, she probably will keep that distance as long as she feels you harbor hidden feelings for her. If you start dating other people, she would probably feel more comfortable letting you get close again.
Assuming you can't have a romantic relationship with her, would you be happier with a platonic frienship or no relationship at all?
posted by justkevin at 11:27 AM on October 25, 2006
If correct, she probably will keep that distance as long as she feels you harbor hidden feelings for her. If you start dating other people, she would probably feel more comfortable letting you get close again.
Assuming you can't have a romantic relationship with her, would you be happier with a platonic frienship or no relationship at all?
posted by justkevin at 11:27 AM on October 25, 2006
Ditto ditto ditto. I've been this girl and she knows. Don't expect anything more than what she is willing to give.
posted by phoenixc at 11:35 AM on October 25, 2006
posted by phoenixc at 11:35 AM on October 25, 2006
Ditto everyone... she knows you like her and is trying to back away. Take her hints and move on.
Don't push her to talk about things she doesn't want to talk about. Have the grace to follow her lead for a while as to the tone and regularity of your emails. Move your focus away from her to the people round you. Hark back (to yourself) occasionally to what a lovely friendship you've had but as a warm recollection, not as something you are fighting to resurrect. Even special people come and go from your life and you can't force them to do otherwise, however much you want to.
posted by penguin pie at 11:50 AM on October 25, 2006
Don't push her to talk about things she doesn't want to talk about. Have the grace to follow her lead for a while as to the tone and regularity of your emails. Move your focus away from her to the people round you. Hark back (to yourself) occasionally to what a lovely friendship you've had but as a warm recollection, not as something you are fighting to resurrect. Even special people come and go from your life and you can't force them to do otherwise, however much you want to.
posted by penguin pie at 11:50 AM on October 25, 2006
Email (and even AIM) are terrible at revealing things. It dampens intimacy and when someone reveals information, it's nearly impossible to give condolence or warmth.
Case in point, almost everyone on LiveJournal will bitch at some point about how everyone comments on their picture of their cat, but no one comments on their long, drawn out emotional drama that obviously took a lot of energy to share. Oh, except for comments like "hug." (Or condolence posts like "." here)
I know that when things were bad for me, the only thing I had to talk to my (long distance but emotionally close) friends were movies and music. I didn't tell them about how I was doing because I wasn't really dealing with it myself. But I appreciated the contact. I've spent hundreds of hours collaboratively ranking the quality of Terry Gilliam films and I found that far more cathartic than the talk therapy I was going through at the same time.
Sure, maybe she's pulling away because she knows. Or maybe you just have gotten out of each other's rhythms. Or maybe she's really glad that you're there and has nothing she's ready to share yet. I think laying it out on the table would be creepy in all instances.
Different from everyone else, I'd say, throw her into your mental friend bucket if you can. Don't share tons of deep intimacies and expect a response. But stay in touch. Be available. Ping her with light topics to show her you're there for her, but don't use her as an emotional dumping ground unless she asks.
Every friendship I've had has ebbs and flows. The people that are truly my core -- we can go for months without talking, but when we get together, it's as if we haven't missed a minute. And people who's friendship was based on availability, same social circles, etc. I find that we have nothing to talk about and it feels like a stranger whose face I recognize. And I've been terrible at guessing which buckets people will fall into in the midst of things.
So, as with any relationship, be good, play it cool and if you're not getting what you want out of the friendship, it ain't an exclusive deal so find yourself a few more friends so you can spread the emotional intimacy wealth.
For me, I had three close male friends in college that I would have sworn were my (platonic) soul mates. One, I haven't talked to in 8 years. One, I get an email from once a year from no matter how many I send him. And the third, well, I married him after a just email friendship for 8 years. (He knows his Gilliam.)
posted by Gucky at 11:55 AM on October 25, 2006
Case in point, almost everyone on LiveJournal will bitch at some point about how everyone comments on their picture of their cat, but no one comments on their long, drawn out emotional drama that obviously took a lot of energy to share. Oh, except for comments like "hug." (Or condolence posts like "." here)
I know that when things were bad for me, the only thing I had to talk to my (long distance but emotionally close) friends were movies and music. I didn't tell them about how I was doing because I wasn't really dealing with it myself. But I appreciated the contact. I've spent hundreds of hours collaboratively ranking the quality of Terry Gilliam films and I found that far more cathartic than the talk therapy I was going through at the same time.
Sure, maybe she's pulling away because she knows. Or maybe you just have gotten out of each other's rhythms. Or maybe she's really glad that you're there and has nothing she's ready to share yet. I think laying it out on the table would be creepy in all instances.
Different from everyone else, I'd say, throw her into your mental friend bucket if you can. Don't share tons of deep intimacies and expect a response. But stay in touch. Be available. Ping her with light topics to show her you're there for her, but don't use her as an emotional dumping ground unless she asks.
Every friendship I've had has ebbs and flows. The people that are truly my core -- we can go for months without talking, but when we get together, it's as if we haven't missed a minute. And people who's friendship was based on availability, same social circles, etc. I find that we have nothing to talk about and it feels like a stranger whose face I recognize. And I've been terrible at guessing which buckets people will fall into in the midst of things.
So, as with any relationship, be good, play it cool and if you're not getting what you want out of the friendship, it ain't an exclusive deal so find yourself a few more friends so you can spread the emotional intimacy wealth.
For me, I had three close male friends in college that I would have sworn were my (platonic) soul mates. One, I haven't talked to in 8 years. One, I get an email from once a year from no matter how many I send him. And the third, well, I married him after a just email friendship for 8 years. (He knows his Gilliam.)
posted by Gucky at 11:55 AM on October 25, 2006
I think that friendships have alot to do with proximity. The more time you spend with a person the better your friendship will be. Like everyone else has said, email is probably the weakest link you could possibly keep with a person. If you aren't willing to call or take trips to visit her, your friendship may just fade to nothing. People change over time and if you aren't there to follow them through the changes then friendships can fizzle out.
posted by elkelk at 12:30 PM on October 25, 2006
posted by elkelk at 12:30 PM on October 25, 2006
I'm really surprised that nobody has said this yet, but she knows you like her and is trying to back away. Take her hints and move on.
In all seriousness, you both sound as though you are fairly young...and the first unrequited love is always so hard to let go. (Heck, I still have a soft spot in my heart for a boy I haven't seen in 25 years.)
I'm not saying you should erase her contact info from your email folder, but perhaps, instead of emailing her with regularity, you just periodically include her in a group email, or drop her a line if you're going to be in her area, or you're having a party...in other words, special occasions.
Heartbreak sucks. I'm sorry, darlin. And I know it's hard to believe, but this too will pass. Someday, you'll look back upon the torch you're carrying and smile in fond remembrance.
posted by dejah420 at 1:20 PM on October 25, 2006 [1 favorite]
In all seriousness, you both sound as though you are fairly young...and the first unrequited love is always so hard to let go. (Heck, I still have a soft spot in my heart for a boy I haven't seen in 25 years.)
I'm not saying you should erase her contact info from your email folder, but perhaps, instead of emailing her with regularity, you just periodically include her in a group email, or drop her a line if you're going to be in her area, or you're having a party...in other words, special occasions.
Heartbreak sucks. I'm sorry, darlin. And I know it's hard to believe, but this too will pass. Someday, you'll look back upon the torch you're carrying and smile in fond remembrance.
posted by dejah420 at 1:20 PM on October 25, 2006 [1 favorite]
It's just awkward, and she probably doesn't know how to relate to you anymore. Perhaps she doesn't find the things you talk about/think about/do interesting, and she doesn't know how to tell you that. Perhaps you leave too much space hanging when you talk to her in an unsuccessful attempt to get her to open up, so she doesn't want to be around you because it seems like you expect something. Perhaps she knows you like her, and doesn't want to go anywhere near that can of worms—doesn't have time to deal with it, doesn't want to talk about something that has never happened between the two of you and is essentially a non-issue for her, doesn't want to hurt your feelings, etc.
Perhaps she even fears that if she tries to tell you she doesn't like talking to you because you're clingy or you like boring things or [insert reason here], you'll do that thing some guys do where they keep bothering you about it and try to change to suit you. Perhaps because of some combination of factors like this she finds your personality too malleable, too much like you're trying to craft it to suit her. Perhaps you're too shaky, too unsure of yourself, and she feels like she always has to direct things when she's with you—you're all like, "Wow, I'm so into you, what do you want to do? And she's like, "I'm bored. You never suggest anything, and this suggests that you have no personality. What do you want to do?"
Perhaps she fears that if she tells you things that are going on in her life, you'll jump up and try to insert yourself into her affairs. Like, "Oh, you like poetry? I like poetry, too! Do you want to go to the poetry slam at Ike's Bar tonight?" And then next week it's, "I know you like hamburgers, and I like hamburgers, too. I'm going to this new hamburger place everyone's talking about—would you like to go with me?" Because she thinks you're okay, but only as an acquaintance, and not as anything more than that, not even as a real friend, she demurs...and then she avoids you, because after a while it starts to seem deliberate when she can never make it out to things you ask her to go to—and it's not deliberate, she probably figures she might want to do something with you at some point, but every time it comes up she doesn't really want to.
She has to be at least a little aware of this, if only on an unconscious level—so she keeps stringing you along, in a way, because there's no obvious reason to tell you to go away, and she's trying to avoid having it come to that if at all possible. So she keeps busy, and tries to let you down easy, to let you drift away...and instead you keep trying. Thus the continued awkwardness.
I speak of it this way because I've interacted with several guys like yourself on a regular basis. I'm comfortable with these guys, because they're easy to be comfortable with, and we know similar people and have similar interests, so when I see them we can have a great conversation—but for various reasons, sometimes undefined even to myself, I'm just not interested in putting in the time to be their friend or lover. Just. Not. Interested. It just happens sometimes.
They seem hurt by that, because a friendship seems obvious given our shared backgrounds and interests and easy ability to converse. (The easy ability to converse is only at first, though, after we haven't seen each other for a while, because I can ask the inevitable questions about what they've been doing, how things have been, etc. We can joke around for about 15-30 mins. about that...and then I lose interest.) But for whatever reason (or no reason at all) it's just not clicking.
Take it from me: she's not going to do anything to change this situation if you don't force her to. So why force her to? Why push it to its ugly conclusion, where you're both arguing and frustrated about what is essentially a non-relationship? Just let it go. A relationship doesn't have to be obviously wrong to still be wrong.
posted by limeonaire at 1:29 PM on October 25, 2006 [3 favorites]
Perhaps she even fears that if she tries to tell you she doesn't like talking to you because you're clingy or you like boring things or [insert reason here], you'll do that thing some guys do where they keep bothering you about it and try to change to suit you. Perhaps because of some combination of factors like this she finds your personality too malleable, too much like you're trying to craft it to suit her. Perhaps you're too shaky, too unsure of yourself, and she feels like she always has to direct things when she's with you—you're all like, "Wow, I'm so into you, what do you want to do? And she's like, "I'm bored. You never suggest anything, and this suggests that you have no personality. What do you want to do?"
Perhaps she fears that if she tells you things that are going on in her life, you'll jump up and try to insert yourself into her affairs. Like, "Oh, you like poetry? I like poetry, too! Do you want to go to the poetry slam at Ike's Bar tonight?" And then next week it's, "I know you like hamburgers, and I like hamburgers, too. I'm going to this new hamburger place everyone's talking about—would you like to go with me?" Because she thinks you're okay, but only as an acquaintance, and not as anything more than that, not even as a real friend, she demurs...and then she avoids you, because after a while it starts to seem deliberate when she can never make it out to things you ask her to go to—and it's not deliberate, she probably figures she might want to do something with you at some point, but every time it comes up she doesn't really want to.
She has to be at least a little aware of this, if only on an unconscious level—so she keeps stringing you along, in a way, because there's no obvious reason to tell you to go away, and she's trying to avoid having it come to that if at all possible. So she keeps busy, and tries to let you down easy, to let you drift away...and instead you keep trying. Thus the continued awkwardness.
I speak of it this way because I've interacted with several guys like yourself on a regular basis. I'm comfortable with these guys, because they're easy to be comfortable with, and we know similar people and have similar interests, so when I see them we can have a great conversation—but for various reasons, sometimes undefined even to myself, I'm just not interested in putting in the time to be their friend or lover. Just. Not. Interested. It just happens sometimes.
They seem hurt by that, because a friendship seems obvious given our shared backgrounds and interests and easy ability to converse. (The easy ability to converse is only at first, though, after we haven't seen each other for a while, because I can ask the inevitable questions about what they've been doing, how things have been, etc. We can joke around for about 15-30 mins. about that...and then I lose interest.) But for whatever reason (or no reason at all) it's just not clicking.
Take it from me: she's not going to do anything to change this situation if you don't force her to. So why force her to? Why push it to its ugly conclusion, where you're both arguing and frustrated about what is essentially a non-relationship? Just let it go. A relationship doesn't have to be obviously wrong to still be wrong.
posted by limeonaire at 1:29 PM on October 25, 2006 [3 favorites]
I've been her, except the sexes were reversed. TPS is right.
posted by smorange at 2:51 PM on October 25, 2006
posted by smorange at 2:51 PM on October 25, 2006
Maybe there are one or more little voices telling you, "She knows you like her and is trying to back away. Take her hints and move on."
But don't listen.
Just tell her. This is your friend. What's she going to do -- point and laugh? Even if it is just in a -- I know you are not interested, but I need to clear the air -- sort of way. What in hell do you have to lose?
Your friendship, apparently, is over anyway as of now -- maybe clearing the air could save it. If she wasn't worried about leading you on, maybe she would be more comfortable with you. At least you wouldn't have to regret not speaking up -- and she wouldn't be torn between giving you false hope and being a bitch to someone she cares about.
posted by Methylviolet at 3:10 PM on October 25, 2006
But don't listen.
Just tell her. This is your friend. What's she going to do -- point and laugh? Even if it is just in a -- I know you are not interested, but I need to clear the air -- sort of way. What in hell do you have to lose?
Your friendship, apparently, is over anyway as of now -- maybe clearing the air could save it. If she wasn't worried about leading you on, maybe she would be more comfortable with you. At least you wouldn't have to regret not speaking up -- and she wouldn't be torn between giving you false hope and being a bitch to someone she cares about.
posted by Methylviolet at 3:10 PM on October 25, 2006
As a differing data point, I've been in a few situations like this before and liking eachother had nothing to do with it. Really, it came down to empotional investment and willing to put in the time. For some people, myself included, it's a lot easier to invest time into a person whom you can see face-to-face on a regular basis. Just e-mail and phone? Not so much. It's not because I don't see them as a friend or think any less of them, it's just that I suck at the long-distance thing and naturally grow distant over time.
People move on as friends in life. Sucks for a bit, but life goes on and new awesome people will take their place.
posted by jmd82 at 3:19 PM on October 25, 2006
People move on as friends in life. Sucks for a bit, but life goes on and new awesome people will take their place.
posted by jmd82 at 3:19 PM on October 25, 2006
This may not be pleasant to read, but by now it should be apparent to you that she’s not the one. Your problem doesn't have anything to do with her—you don’t seem to have ever connected well with her, you find her difficult to read, she doesn’t reciprocate when you share personal information.
You need to find out why you would spend so much energy on a disinterested person; why you feel so miserable about it; and why you continue to obsess over her long after a reasonably clear message has been conveyed. You might also look into why your question has so many things happening to you: "makes me sad" "makes me depressed" , "leaves me cold", "I'm surprised and hurt by this." You are more a participant in your feelings than you think. She's--sorry, man-- the MacGuffin here.
How? You are being rejected, which you know by now. It hurts like hell, and then it won’t hurt so badly. What you don’t seem to notice is that you are making yourself feel much worse than mere rejection can make you feel. You fail to acknowledge your role: that you continued to expose “personal” “embarrassing” things to someone who didn’t reciprocate or even show any interest; and that you are describing someone who is not by any stretch your friend. What makes you like that treatment? Why does that make you want to bring her closer? Has this happened before?
It's important to be in touch with your feelings, but you seem to be feeling to the exclusion of thinking, relating. and most of all taking action. You are stuck. Get unstuck, then re-assess. In other words: meditation, therapy, reading: anything that will enable you to increase your self-knowledge and break this cycle.
In fact, skip the meditation and reading and go talk to a behavioural therapist. I empathize with your situation--but you need to look at how you got into this fix, and to learn to get yourself out of it; and to learn how to avoid the next one.
posted by Phred182 at 3:23 PM on October 25, 2006 [1 favorite]
You need to find out why you would spend so much energy on a disinterested person; why you feel so miserable about it; and why you continue to obsess over her long after a reasonably clear message has been conveyed. You might also look into why your question has so many things happening to you: "makes me sad" "makes me depressed" , "leaves me cold", "I'm surprised and hurt by this." You are more a participant in your feelings than you think. She's--sorry, man-- the MacGuffin here.
How? You are being rejected, which you know by now. It hurts like hell, and then it won’t hurt so badly. What you don’t seem to notice is that you are making yourself feel much worse than mere rejection can make you feel. You fail to acknowledge your role: that you continued to expose “personal” “embarrassing” things to someone who didn’t reciprocate or even show any interest; and that you are describing someone who is not by any stretch your friend. What makes you like that treatment? Why does that make you want to bring her closer? Has this happened before?
It's important to be in touch with your feelings, but you seem to be feeling to the exclusion of thinking, relating. and most of all taking action. You are stuck. Get unstuck, then re-assess. In other words: meditation, therapy, reading: anything that will enable you to increase your self-knowledge and break this cycle.
In fact, skip the meditation and reading and go talk to a behavioural therapist. I empathize with your situation--but you need to look at how you got into this fix, and to learn to get yourself out of it; and to learn how to avoid the next one.
posted by Phred182 at 3:23 PM on October 25, 2006 [1 favorite]
I'm not sure why you put all the blame on her. It sounds like you're not much of a friend. If you really liked this girl you wouldn't have let the relationship slip to the occassional email. You'd call her, send her postcards, and, you know, even make the effort to visit her and make the one-on-one thing happen. Real friendships, like any important relationship, takes a lot of work. If you really want to save this friendship you might start by apologizing for your own behavior. Tell her the relationship is important to you and you're going to make the effort to be a better friend and then, you know, do it.
posted by nixerman at 3:26 PM on October 25, 2006
posted by nixerman at 3:26 PM on October 25, 2006
A decent idea, nixerman, but what if she's really not interested? Try harder if you really want to, but be willing to pull it back if you sense any reticence (aka don't be the guy at the bar asking the girl, "Am I bothering you?" If you have to ask, you are). I would think of a last ditch effort as more of a way to gain some closure than to win back her friendship.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:42 PM on October 25, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:42 PM on October 25, 2006 [1 favorite]
Ain't nothing worse than the old unrequited love meets cold shoulder routine.
If this is the case, and there seems to be pretty good consensus that it is, you've got some options:
1) Blaze of glory. Reveal all. You will be rejected. HARD. It will hurt worse than anything you imagine, but the pain will end someday, unlike the present ambiguous situation. Everyone who's successful in love eventually reaches a point where they have the epiphany that rejection is healthy. Without facing up to the reality of rejection in one form or another, you will never experience acceptance from some other love in your future. If you're emotionally stable enough to handle it, you might as well get it over with now. (That is to say: You're stable if there is no chance of self-harm, and no possibility of existing or untreated mental illness. If there's a possibility of that here, then you should just do nothing and deal with something that is much more important: Your health.)
Ultimate closure, if you survive it and register it, will do you great good. Revealing everything will almost certainly not end the way you think you want it to, and it will absolutely and unrevokably change or end or temper what's left of your friendship.
2) Limit contact. Find someone else. Resume contact. If you really do just want a normal relationship with your friend, she will be much more comfortable around you when you are in a long-term relationship. Note: Your previous relationship was not normal. For better or for worse, most people don't share as much with their friends as you two used to share. That level of sharing would freak most partners out. Furthermore, it's unfair to become serious with someone else if you are still obsessive about your unrequited love.
3) DENY. DENY. DENY. Someone probably helped her put the pieces together. It probably when something like:
"Hey cool, I got a Christmas present from OP!"
"Uhm, guys don't get Christmas presents for their 'just-friends',"
"Really? Oh no... REALLY?!"
"Yup."
All you have to do is convince her that their friend was full of it. This is dishonesty of the worst kind, but this option has the best bet of making things like they were. It's also the most cowardly and the most likely to blow up again in the future.
I've flittered between choosing 1 and 2, mostly. 1 will teach you the most about yourself in a short period of time, but experiencing it once in your lifetime is probably good enough. Done correctly, 1 should bleed into 2. If you don't find yourself having healthy future relationships, then therapy is in order. Queue up the emo music and early Cusack movies.
posted by Skwirl at 3:45 PM on October 25, 2006
If this is the case, and there seems to be pretty good consensus that it is, you've got some options:
1) Blaze of glory. Reveal all. You will be rejected. HARD. It will hurt worse than anything you imagine, but the pain will end someday, unlike the present ambiguous situation. Everyone who's successful in love eventually reaches a point where they have the epiphany that rejection is healthy. Without facing up to the reality of rejection in one form or another, you will never experience acceptance from some other love in your future. If you're emotionally stable enough to handle it, you might as well get it over with now. (That is to say: You're stable if there is no chance of self-harm, and no possibility of existing or untreated mental illness. If there's a possibility of that here, then you should just do nothing and deal with something that is much more important: Your health.)
Ultimate closure, if you survive it and register it, will do you great good. Revealing everything will almost certainly not end the way you think you want it to, and it will absolutely and unrevokably change or end or temper what's left of your friendship.
2) Limit contact. Find someone else. Resume contact. If you really do just want a normal relationship with your friend, she will be much more comfortable around you when you are in a long-term relationship. Note: Your previous relationship was not normal. For better or for worse, most people don't share as much with their friends as you two used to share. That level of sharing would freak most partners out. Furthermore, it's unfair to become serious with someone else if you are still obsessive about your unrequited love.
3) DENY. DENY. DENY. Someone probably helped her put the pieces together. It probably when something like:
"Hey cool, I got a Christmas present from OP!"
"Uhm, guys don't get Christmas presents for their 'just-friends',"
"Really? Oh no... REALLY?!"
"Yup."
All you have to do is convince her that their friend was full of it. This is dishonesty of the worst kind, but this option has the best bet of making things like they were. It's also the most cowardly and the most likely to blow up again in the future.
I've flittered between choosing 1 and 2, mostly. 1 will teach you the most about yourself in a short period of time, but experiencing it once in your lifetime is probably good enough. Done correctly, 1 should bleed into 2. If you don't find yourself having healthy future relationships, then therapy is in order. Queue up the emo music and early Cusack movies.
posted by Skwirl at 3:45 PM on October 25, 2006
Also, if you have trouble stomaching the idea of limiting contact, then you should set boundaries, such as only initiating contact once a month or once a year.
posted by Skwirl at 3:51 PM on October 25, 2006
posted by Skwirl at 3:51 PM on October 25, 2006
Look, the point is none of us know why this girl is acting strange around you. We can guess, because we're all human beings and we've been in the same situation, and we know why WE did it, but that doesn't mean anything. I agree that there are two issues here, 1) she seems emotionally distant for little reason, and 2) you CARE A LOT that she's emotionally distant. The first one is pretty much out of your control. The second is something you can work on, by making friends and meeting girls who actually want to connect with you emotionally.
posted by muddgirl at 4:00 PM on October 25, 2006
posted by muddgirl at 4:00 PM on October 25, 2006
1. In case anyone's wondering, I'm not the anonymous poster. Heh.
2. She's dropping you a big hint. It's a tough lesson to learn.
posted by emelenjr at 5:02 PM on October 25, 2006
2. She's dropping you a big hint. It's a tough lesson to learn.
posted by emelenjr at 5:02 PM on October 25, 2006
She knows you like her and is trying to back away. Take her hints and move on.
Screw this hint business. It's no better than marital telepathy.
Call her up and tell her your feelings for her. Talk about it together. If you really are friends, you'll get past it and move on. Or maybe you won't get past it, and you'll be forced to actually live out your lives together.
As for what may have changed between you two -- who knows? She's off on her own with her own life going on. The post-college years bring an enormous amount of change to people.
For you, your post-college years should include an end to this secret admirer crap and a graduation to being truly honest with your friends.
posted by tkolar at 5:53 PM on October 25, 2006
Screw this hint business. It's no better than marital telepathy.
Call her up and tell her your feelings for her. Talk about it together. If you really are friends, you'll get past it and move on. Or maybe you won't get past it, and you'll be forced to actually live out your lives together.
As for what may have changed between you two -- who knows? She's off on her own with her own life going on. The post-college years bring an enormous amount of change to people.
For you, your post-college years should include an end to this secret admirer crap and a graduation to being truly honest with your friends.
posted by tkolar at 5:53 PM on October 25, 2006
Well, this isn't pleasant for me to say, but I'm the anonymous poster. I would like to make some things clear here: I just want to remain friends with this person in question, and not to have it develop anything beyond that. I realized a long time ago that I was not her type and don't want to make it weirder than it is. I just want for us to be friends again, even though it won't be the way it was. I think that's very important to me.
I have taken steps to move past this, but it's been difficult and slow. Thanks again for all your comments, however difficult it is to take. I will keep this in mind the next time I see her.
Limeonaire: I think you are right about my personality being too malleable. I have my opinions, but they can change quickly because yes, I am uncertain of my standing with her. You are spot on.
posted by geronimo's folly at 5:54 PM on October 25, 2006
I have taken steps to move past this, but it's been difficult and slow. Thanks again for all your comments, however difficult it is to take. I will keep this in mind the next time I see her.
Limeonaire: I think you are right about my personality being too malleable. I have my opinions, but they can change quickly because yes, I am uncertain of my standing with her. You are spot on.
posted by geronimo's folly at 5:54 PM on October 25, 2006
to add one more option to Skwirl's list:
4) Accept it: She isn't into you. Ouch. But, it's not something you can do anything about. So, move on. (Sure keep casual contact - group emails as mentioned are ok, but no more birthday presents.) Soon you'll be in a relationship with someone else and the next time you see her that will remove all that weird, akward tension. Then if there is a friendship underneath, it can grow.
(of course, your new girlfriend might not like her too much - but that's another story!)
posted by kamelhoecker at 5:59 PM on October 25, 2006
4) Accept it: She isn't into you. Ouch. But, it's not something you can do anything about. So, move on. (Sure keep casual contact - group emails as mentioned are ok, but no more birthday presents.) Soon you'll be in a relationship with someone else and the next time you see her that will remove all that weird, akward tension. Then if there is a friendship underneath, it can grow.
(of course, your new girlfriend might not like her too much - but that's another story!)
posted by kamelhoecker at 5:59 PM on October 25, 2006
I just want to remain friends with this person in question
My comments on honesty still stand. Call her up. Ask her what the deal is. Talk about it.
posted by tkolar at 5:59 PM on October 25, 2006
My comments on honesty still stand. Call her up. Ask her what the deal is. Talk about it.
posted by tkolar at 5:59 PM on October 25, 2006
I have quite a few friends who I don't talk to very often. Some of them are good friends. One friend, I just called tonight for the first time in over a year. He's terrible about keeping up with correspondence, and I'm terrible at returning phone calls (I don't really like talking on the phone), and we haven't been in the same country for two years. Another friend I talk to maybe every four or five months. But when I am with these guys, we talk a mile a minute and it's just like no time has passed.
Obviously you feel that there's a problem. But maybe she doesn't. Maybe this is just how she deals with distance. Just talk to her and find out what's up.
posted by joannemerriam at 6:29 PM on October 25, 2006
Obviously you feel that there's a problem. But maybe she doesn't. Maybe this is just how she deals with distance. Just talk to her and find out what's up.
posted by joannemerriam at 6:29 PM on October 25, 2006
It seems like everyone here is trying to drop the hint that she doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with the OP. But his question was "What should I do about this crumbling friendship? I can't leave it like it is, but maybe I can take it less personally. I don't know. I do like to improve our situation, but how?"
If all you are looking for is a platonic friendship, tell her that. Maybe she is getting a vibe that you are interested in more than that. If you really want more, then you are facing an uphill battle. She hasn't given you any sign that she is intertested. Maybe she isn't interested in having a relationship with anyone right now. Or maybe it's just you. Either way, it's going to take a lot of time and effort to kindle a relationship. And more often than not winds up ruining the friendship.
While it is possible to salvage and strengthen a failing platonic friendship, it takes a commitment from both parties.
You two know each other well enough to talk it out. Ask her point blank what's going through her head, but be prepared to hear something you may not like.
posted by MCTDavid at 6:41 PM on October 25, 2006
If all you are looking for is a platonic friendship, tell her that. Maybe she is getting a vibe that you are interested in more than that. If you really want more, then you are facing an uphill battle. She hasn't given you any sign that she is intertested. Maybe she isn't interested in having a relationship with anyone right now. Or maybe it's just you. Either way, it's going to take a lot of time and effort to kindle a relationship. And more often than not winds up ruining the friendship.
While it is possible to salvage and strengthen a failing platonic friendship, it takes a commitment from both parties.
You two know each other well enough to talk it out. Ask her point blank what's going through her head, but be prepared to hear something you may not like.
posted by MCTDavid at 6:41 PM on October 25, 2006
She knows you like her and is trying to back away. Take her hints and move on.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:50 PM on October 25, 2006
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:50 PM on October 25, 2006
Well, I think you have to ask yourself what it means to you to be friends with a person, then. Do you need to do things together to be friends? Do you need to talk on a regular basis? Do you need acknowledgement of some sort, or long conversations about things? Does she simply need to say "Yes, we're friends" with no further action required? Or do you need continued interaction?
You need to determine in a more concrete way what you really want and expect from her. Do you need her in your life? Is it worth continuing to interact with her when those interactions are likely to feel forced, awkward, short, and embarrassing? Or do you have other ways of finding fulfillment that you should focus on?
From what you've said, and considering my own experiences with this, it doesn't sound like this girl is at a point where she's interested in providing (or is even able to provide) friendship or companionship or regard in any of the above ways. It's likely that she's just as embarrassed as you are about this, too, if she's at all conscious of what's going on.
If that's in fact what's going on, you'll need to bring yourself to deal with it in some way. Can you rest knowing that in some metaphysical sense, you are "friends," i.e. that there was once some connection there, and you mutually acknowledge that, without pushing for continued interaction? Really think about that for a while.
I've been in your place before, too, pushing for continued interaction with old friends well after the kind of rewarding interaction we'd once had was no longer possible. I kept hoping that they'd see things the way they used to, that they'd return my affections and interest and regard, because I just knew it was possible if only they'd put out the effort. I put the word out that I was returning to reunions of the camp we'd attended each summer, then I showed up hoping to see these people. I was continually disappointed when they didn't appear. I'd felt like we'd forged connections that would easily transcend the changes we were all going through, and I vowed never to forget how they influenced me—but even that force of will and memory wasn't enough to keep them with me in friendship.
One of the hardest things I ever had to learn was that even having an uncanny, supernaturally good bond with someone doesn't guarantee that you'll remain friends.
It may turn out that you have to give up your hope of continued interaction with this girl—or of a relationship in any sense, whether friendship, romantic, or otherwise—if she's uncomfortable with it or just not into it.
I mean this in the gentlest way possible: You can't use your sheer force of will to make her remain friends with you.
To move forward, you need to come to terms with that possibility, and really introspect to determine what you hope to gain from continued interaction with her.
posted by limeonaire at 9:36 PM on October 25, 2006
You need to determine in a more concrete way what you really want and expect from her. Do you need her in your life? Is it worth continuing to interact with her when those interactions are likely to feel forced, awkward, short, and embarrassing? Or do you have other ways of finding fulfillment that you should focus on?
From what you've said, and considering my own experiences with this, it doesn't sound like this girl is at a point where she's interested in providing (or is even able to provide) friendship or companionship or regard in any of the above ways. It's likely that she's just as embarrassed as you are about this, too, if she's at all conscious of what's going on.
If that's in fact what's going on, you'll need to bring yourself to deal with it in some way. Can you rest knowing that in some metaphysical sense, you are "friends," i.e. that there was once some connection there, and you mutually acknowledge that, without pushing for continued interaction? Really think about that for a while.
I've been in your place before, too, pushing for continued interaction with old friends well after the kind of rewarding interaction we'd once had was no longer possible. I kept hoping that they'd see things the way they used to, that they'd return my affections and interest and regard, because I just knew it was possible if only they'd put out the effort. I put the word out that I was returning to reunions of the camp we'd attended each summer, then I showed up hoping to see these people. I was continually disappointed when they didn't appear. I'd felt like we'd forged connections that would easily transcend the changes we were all going through, and I vowed never to forget how they influenced me—but even that force of will and memory wasn't enough to keep them with me in friendship.
One of the hardest things I ever had to learn was that even having an uncanny, supernaturally good bond with someone doesn't guarantee that you'll remain friends.
It may turn out that you have to give up your hope of continued interaction with this girl—or of a relationship in any sense, whether friendship, romantic, or otherwise—if she's uncomfortable with it or just not into it.
I mean this in the gentlest way possible: You can't use your sheer force of will to make her remain friends with you.
To move forward, you need to come to terms with that possibility, and really introspect to determine what you hope to gain from continued interaction with her.
posted by limeonaire at 9:36 PM on October 25, 2006
I am at a complete loss as to why everyone is giving you advice on a romantic relationship they think you want, when you've stated outright, twice now, that you wanted to re-cement the ~friendship~. If that's the girl's problem, that she can't be friends with you because you have an unspoken, non-demanding, thing for her, but are only asking for friendship, then she's not worthy of being your friend.
I'm with the others who suggest you talk to her. You may or may not shore up the crumbling friendship, but at least you'll know what's going on with her. It may not be pretty, but, as they say, knowing is half the battle.
I know people think it's a cop-out to use email or IM, but sometimes it really is better to do things in text, since you can actually edit and re-edit until you actually have things distilled into what you really want to say. This also gives her the ability to answer without feeling ambushed. good luck and hope things work out.
posted by Meep! Eek! at 7:22 PM on October 26, 2006
I'm with the others who suggest you talk to her. You may or may not shore up the crumbling friendship, but at least you'll know what's going on with her. It may not be pretty, but, as they say, knowing is half the battle.
I know people think it's a cop-out to use email or IM, but sometimes it really is better to do things in text, since you can actually edit and re-edit until you actually have things distilled into what you really want to say. This also gives her the ability to answer without feeling ambushed. good luck and hope things work out.
posted by Meep! Eek! at 7:22 PM on October 26, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:58 AM on October 25, 2006 [1 favorite]