Virginity is actually driving me insane ...
July 25, 2006 8:12 PM   Subscribe

Here's the problem: I'm fat, I'm balding, I'm in my early thirties, I'm a virgin, and I am beginning to very much need sex.

I never expected to get to my early thirties and still be a virgin, but I'm here. I went to a very conservative religious college where getting caught having sex was punishable by expulsion; that having been said, sex was had there by many and I really can't blame the institution for my virginity. I don't know what aspect of my personality or of my appearance has scared away women, or caused romances to fail, but we're getting near an impasse. Then, when I moved to a big city, I got lost amongst the millions; coming here already with a substantial weight around my middle, I just got larger, and I'm now well over three hundred.

I'm not only virginal (I'm hetero, if it matters), I'm severely physically and romantically inexperienced (to use the admittedly juvenile baseball metaphor, once with a college friend in first base, and once a stripper in another city I was visiting allowed me to get to second base) ...

... and I really don't have a good sense of when a natural relationship is going to arise wherein I'm going to be able to have sex as normal people do. Additionally, I face the added problem of being morbidly obese and having a large bald spot in the back of my head, making it unlikely that women are going to look at me and go, "Mmm-mmm, gotta get me some of that." (That last bit said in a tone of bleak black humor ... probably won't come across as well in text.)

I don't think I look bad, precisely: I think I've got good hair [from the front ;-)] and kind eyes and a good smile and a friendly, amiable personality and good conversational skills. I told a good friend I was a virgin, and he was blown away, for the very fact that I do seem to be able to break into conversation so easily with fellow employees at our mutual employer. But take the shirt off or the slacks off and I'm most definitely very, very, very, very, very far down on the "impressive physical specimen" scale. Do you remember the SNL skit when Chris Farley tried out for Chippendale's? (If not, it's findable on YouTube.) Add about 25-40% more weight to his figure in that scene, and that'll give you a visual idea of my appearance.

So, you tell me, go diet, work out, get fit. I've tried, for ten years now. I don't know what blocks my weight loss efforts, what's in my head. And even if I did, without abdominoplasty, I'm not going to look good with the excess skin that'll be left. And that's not the issue I really want to address here, either. What's really at issue here is that I'm beginning to absolutely go stark, raving, absolute bonkers because I've never had sex in my life and my libido is more and more getting far out of control.

I mean, think about human sexuality. Think about your own drives — the basic premise of looking at a beautiful woman and going she is beautiful, and I wish to [bleep] with her until the rooster crows. Now think about what it would be to have a perfectly natural sex drive that had absolutely no opportunity to express itself fully in over thirty-two years, and if you have good enough of an imagination, you'll see the brink of insanity I'm standing upon.

As it is, sad enough, every six to nine months I'll go down to a strip club and pay half a grand for a two-hour "V.I.P." session. Thanks to Puritanism, my city pretty much prohibits any sort of contact between a stripper and a patron. If visiting there was a scene out of Showgirls, I'd probably be pretty fine, at least libido-wise. But instead, time with a stripper in my town is more like The McLaughlin-Lehrer Report. (Admittedly, Jim Lehrer isn't a 20-something female with long hair and boobs that dances naked in front of you to '80s music.) Pretty much all "V.I.P." gives you in my town is entire nudity very, very close to you. And although that's nice, it pales after a while, too.

I've endured celibacy for a while, but I'm beginning to actually feel the breakdown of my endurance on this particular matter. Don't get me wrong, though. Somehow, part of the way I'm made up is the premise if it's not sexy for her, it's not sexy, meaning that it just would feel gross and wrong to do something like subway flashing or groping. And rape would never be something I'd consider even in the darkest and most frantic of moments, trust me. So when I say I'm close to breaking down on the "not having sex" front, I don't know what a post-breakdown would be like. But I just know that I'm getting close.

But I'm totally at a loss as to what to do next. I'd like to do something to have sex rather soon, even if it turns out it's not going to be with someone who actually loves me in return. That was the original dream, but hell, at least I have a good job, a place to live, etc. We don't always get everything we dream for.

I mean, I'm not the kind of guy that can walk into a bar and walk out into an evening of cheap sex. I don't have that skillset or the necessary appearance.

And I frankly have no idea how to go about hiring a "professional" (and I'm not even sure we can discuss that here, due to its illegality).

But at the same time, I'm beginning to really fray around the edges, and I don't know what to do or where to go next with this.

P.S. The first one who tells me I'm "putting the [ahem] on a pedestal" gets shot. I don't have the gorgeous Catherine Keener, a crew of well-connected streetwise, funny friends, or a '60s hippie musical number over end credits awaiting me.
posted by anonymous to Society & Culture (72 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite

Well, just for the experience, you could save your next couple of VIP installments up, fly or drive to Nevada, and pay for legal sex at some place like the Mustang Ranch. My buddies bought me a BJ there for my 19th birthday, and it was a very well-run establishment.
posted by willc at 8:25 PM on July 25, 2006

I didn't really read your question. But I know that you gotta think a lot less about this stuff.

Get drunk and saunter up to the fattest, funniest chick at the bar. Wear a condom, and enjoy yourself.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 8:26 PM on July 25, 2006

You might find some helpful info in this thread.
posted by jgee at 8:27 PM on July 25, 2006 [1 favorite]

"And I frankly have no idea how to go about hiring a "professional""

Go to Reno, Nevada. Visit one of the establishments. Explain the situation just as you have here. They are quite used to listening to patrons, and you won't come off as a nutcase at all. The professionals hear bizarre stuff all the time. Your situation won't be that bizarre to them.
You could spend the $500 in a legal brothel in Nevada and actually get something out of it.

Finally getting it overwith and getting the feeling of "ugh, I'm a virgin" out of your system might change your outlook on things dramatically.
posted by drstein at 8:28 PM on July 25, 2006

There's the obvious pretty generic answer.

Oh, and the stripper in the VIP room will do more if you tip, and in fact she's pissed that you're not tipping more.
posted by orthogonality at 8:30 PM on July 25, 2006

If you're spending a good deal of money on strippers, which seems more like paying for long term frustration, consider going somewhere in the U.S. where prostitution is legal, and paying for it.

Perhaps another anonymous question asking for recommendations?

A pro at a good establishment will surely take into consideration lack of experience and make things easy, fun and comfortable for you.
posted by tomble at 8:32 PM on July 25, 2006

I feel for you anonymous. My first instinct is to say screw the illegality, go and hire yourself a prostitute. Others will disagree but I think you should just do it, find a recommendation on the net or wherever, pay the money, and get yourself over the hump :)

If you don't feel comfortable doing that in your hometown, take a trip to the big city. Somehow, it's easier that way.
posted by dydecker at 8:32 PM on July 25, 2006

Do you want to lose weight in order to meet someone, or do you just want to have sex with someone? If you want to lose weight, check out the Hacker's Diet. If you juse want to pay for some sex and don't want to fly into Nevada, "escort" means prostitute most places, and they advertise widely. You shouldn't find this as difficult as you seem to be.
posted by evariste at 8:33 PM on July 25, 2006

Visit a doctor specifically regarding your weight problem and ask for a referral to a dietician. Beyond its effects on your romantic life, your weight is a health hazard, and substantially limits strenuous physical activities that could help distract from your libido.

Drop the strip club, and put the brakes on your porn habit - if you have one. Lust (I'm using an old-fashioned term, but without the biblical 'sinful' implications) tends to grow when you feed it, and shrivel when you starve it.

In general, your perception of your situation seems very circular; you seem to discount or ignore some viable options for dealing with your situation. Might you be suffering from depression or some other chemical imbalance? Consider visiting a psychiatrist, or at least discussing the possibility with your doctor.
posted by The Confessor at 8:46 PM on July 25, 2006 [1 favorite]

Fuck, man, let me just apologize for the answers so far.

You sound like a perfectly nice guy, which counts for A LOT.

Once you are into the thirties, let me tell you something. Attitude counts for a LOT more than looks/weight/whatever.

Can you think yourself into a space where your weight doesn't matter? Hard as that sounds, it is the key. I have friends who are *at least* as overweight as you are and are in serious, permanant relationships. Weight is honestly not the issue here, unless you are trying to pick up chicks in a meatmarket context.

Obviously, you need to insert yourself into contexts where you will meet women. Do whatever it takes. Take classes, join clubs, so long as it is also something you are interested in. It is not too hard to figure out. Given that, take care of personal hygeine, behave like a gentleman, talk to people (or more precisely listen, take advantage of whatever opportunities present themselves, and this shit will sort itself out.

Don't count yourself out or you count yourself out.

Once you are in your thirties (and even more so, forties) then the options for women of your own age become narrower and narrower. Hence the stereotype 'cougar'. It's an unfair stereotype but there's an element of truth in that for women coming back onto the sexual market in their mid-thirties to mid-forties there are desperately few men out there. They are likely to make HUGE allowances in the physical arena for someone who actually listens and empathises with them.

I am not dissing any of the other advice, really -- do whatever you need to do -- but my main message is that as a guy you do not need to be in the peak of physical perfection to be attractive to women. Listen, talk, be real -- that is the main thing.
posted by unSane at 8:48 PM on July 25, 2006 [2 favorites]

Don't take this the wrong way but you don't come across as someone who takes a lot of initiative. If you're serious about losing weight or about meeting women you're going to have to a) change your personality or b) start haning out with people who ARE take charge types and will drag you along.

In the case of weight loss I suggest hiring a personal trainer or joining a club. The structure and encouragment would be good. In the case of romance, I don't know what to say except maybe try dating some really bossy women ;)
posted by fshgrl at 8:50 PM on July 25, 2006

Here's the problem: I'm fat, I'm balding...

What, you think fat, balding people never have sex? Get this idea out of your head immediately.

I second The Jesse Helms suggestion. Just do it. Get out there. Show them what you got. Throw away your shame and check out the online dating services too - I understand that if you don't smell of stale urine and don't talk incessently about Monty Python you may well be at the top of the pile on these services. The most important thing is, don't give a shit about rejection. It's actually nothing personal.
posted by Jimbob at 8:54 PM on July 25, 2006

I stress again, ignore the people telling you to lose weight. You've come here to find out how to get laid, not waste your time on a fucking treadmill. You've got more important things to concentrate on at the moment, like getting out there and should off what you've got.
posted by Jimbob at 8:56 PM on July 25, 2006

don't give a shit about rejection.

That is brilliant, brilliant advice.
posted by unSane at 8:59 PM on July 25, 2006 [2 favorites]

Yeah, I think the point where most people lose their virginity is about the point where they work out they can ask girls out and it doesn't matter if they tell you to fuck off. You've got to be in it to win it.
posted by Jimbob at 9:01 PM on July 25, 2006

The man is 300+ pounds BECAUSE he is anxious about his life and his sex life. Sir, lift your skirt, strap on a set of balls and go to Nevada and buy yourself a lay. You will find that either it is not such a big deal so why were you so worried in the first place or that this is great and will feel much more confident in yourself and either way you will begin losing weight and working out without even thinking too hard about it. 6 montyhs from now you will be down to 250 and well on your weigh (pun intended ) to a new life. There are plenty of females out there who would appreciate you for the nice well intentioned person that you sound like.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Go for it.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:02 PM on July 25, 2006

Just because you're overweight and unhappy with that fact doesn't mean you shouldn't take pride in your apperance. Get a good haircut, use quality body products, wear quality clothing in a way that shows that you *care* (i.e. matching colors, no holes). This might help your confidence, ya?

And yea, I agree with The Confessor- one way to get a hold on your libido (pun not intended, I swear) is to cut out the strip club visits. It's a stripper's job to get you all worked up, you're only torturing yourself.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:03 PM on July 25, 2006 [2 favorites]

For what it's worth, fat chicks aren't the only women who will have sex with (or date, or marry) fat dudes. And visa versa. Use what you think are your disadvantages to your advantage. There have to be chubby chasers of both genders out there. Look for a group online.

Concentrate on your good qualities, especially personality-wise. Go out and ~meet people~. Learn how to socialize. It becomes easier the longer you force yourself to do it. Learn to be charismatic (it's a learned behavior, not a gift.) Learn how to dress to look good, no matter what your size.

One of the most successful guys with women that I've ever known was 5'5, weighed a good 260-275, had a very thinning hairline at 22, a kind of funny-looking face, and no sex appeal. Until he opened his mouth. Guy could have charmed the pants off of anyone. It's not all about looks. It never has been. People want to feel special. So you learn how to ~make~ them feel special.
posted by Meep! Eek! at 9:08 PM on July 25, 2006 [2 favorites]

Cut out the strip club. This is just a way to torture yourself with a hot woman who is, as a professional matter, definitely not going to have sex with you. You get to feel turned on but repulsive, feeds all kinds of bad attitudes you might develop about yourself and what a real sexual relationship will be like.

There are at least two components to your question: how do I find someone who I can have regular, happy relationship sex with? and, what do I do about being a virgin?

I think the answer to the second question, if it's as urgent a question for you as you say, is to hire someone who will have sex with you, show you how it's done and make you feel okay -- rather than degraded, upset, obsessed -- about it. Going to Nevada and finding the nicest best-run place you can to hire a pro might actually be a good idea. Not because you'll never get laid on your own merits, but just because it sounds like this is driving you crazy and there is no reason for it to drive you crazy. Plus, getting rid of this bit of baggage will probably make it easier to cultivate a romantic relationship. (You won't have to think "She couldn't possibly want me; I won't know what to do; I'll have to tell her I'm a virgin; oh god we better have sex on the second date" etc.)

But the answer to the first question is harder and of course has more long-lasting consequences for you. You sound like a great guy, fun, funny, good listener. Add "confident in who he is" and you've got what most women want. So the solution is, I'm afraid, just to get out there. Clubs, other kinds of things where a woman can get to see your fabulous self in action over a few months. Internet dating has mixed results, but it's definitely worth trying. Put up a photo of your smiling face with kind eyes.
posted by LobsterMitten at 9:09 PM on July 25, 2006

It sounds like you have really low self-esteem, and that it's not necessarily justified. From your post, you seem fairly intelligent, you say you're not that bad looking, and you clearly have enough money to spend lots on strippers. These are things that definitely cannot hurt you on the dating scene.

Now, I'm focusing on the dating/relationship angle rather than the hiring a "professional" angle, just because I think in the long run, relying on paying for sex is only going to make you feel even more hopeless than you already do. And you're NOT hopeless. Trust me! Though if you really want to just to lose your virginity and gain some experience, I mean, whatever floats your boat. I just think that it might be more worthwhile to focus on dating women who want to have sex with you eventually.

So, my first suggestion is to work on your self-esteem and self confidence. You deserve a real relationship AND sex, just like anybody else.

I can understand why you feel self-conscious (I'm dealing with weight & self image issues myself), but at the same time, as long as you dress somewhat decently (clean, neat clothes), smell pretty good (in terms of hygeine and breath - do NOT douse yourself in cologne - yuck!), and act like a nice and intelligent guy, you are a catch to some girl out there.

With regards to how you are meeting women...what's your strategy? I would recommend online dating. Use honest pictures of yourself and put a lot of thought & work into your profile. Then take the initiative to contact girls who you are interested in. Some will respond. Maybe something will come of it. You never know. But if they respond, at least you know that your looks are not turning them off and that they are interested in dating you at least on some level.

I would also stress that in a dating situation, you should make sure that you are taking some initiative to let the girl know you are interested in her. Give her genuine compliments, ask her questions about her life, don't hesitate to kiss her on the first date, and if things start to head towards physical, you can talk about the fact that you are a little nervous because of a lack of experience. As long as you don't mention that in the first few dates, I don't think that will freak anybody out.

Well, I hope some of my rambling was helpful. I really think you're not giving yourself enough credit, and that there really, truly is someone out there for you. Don't give up.
posted by tastybrains at 9:13 PM on July 25, 2006

I have no personal experience with escorts, but TER is supposed to be a good site. Despite my not having compared the two options, I suspect a less...expensive relationship will be better for you.

Enduring rejection is easier said than done, I'm well aware. I know, the cliched "it's not you; it's them" is overworn, but it's true--you don't want to date someone who's not into you. Get it over with! Save time!

Look, you're afraid that you're going to have a lot of strikeouts--fair enough (personally, I think this is not at all necessarily the case). So, go on and START already! If you're convinced that you're going to have to get rejected a bunch, then shouldn't you go out there and get started?

You don't have to act desparate (and it sounds like you know how to act fairly normally/decently), and you can be as selective as you want. But for Pete's sake, GET STARTED already! Time's a wasting and you've got [up to] a bunch of women to go through to find the right one!
posted by RikiTikiTavi at 9:14 PM on July 25, 2006

Oh, and it sounds like you've got some decent friends that know what they're doing in the relationship arena. Use 'em. They can help you with how to act, they can help with introducing you to people, they can share your successes and failures.
posted by RikiTikiTavi at 9:15 PM on July 25, 2006

if you have good enough of an imagination, you'll see the brink of insanity I'm standing upon.

Turn the drama down a notch; you're far from alone in your situation, and far from insane because you're worried about your virginity.
posted by mediareport at 9:16 PM on July 25, 2006

First not having sex doesn't cause any type of breakdown. Second start by having phone sex, or video sex on the internet. Every big city has a newspaper or two that advertises hookers. If that is too much of a first step, go to a massage pallor and get a hand job and then move on up to getting a blow job. And its no big deal if you don't want to go through the trouble of getting layed. Sex like homecooking is over-rated. Sex researchers find you get the same degree of pleasure jerking off as you do with the old in and out. I have had sex with many women, and found this to be true as well. Ultimately sex is just friction plus fiction.
posted by zackdog at 9:32 PM on July 25, 2006

Actually, you can have everything you want. Love, sex, companionship. And you can have it at your current weight with your current hair. There are plenty of people on Mefi who will tell you otherwise (and who would probably rather than be dead than fat). But the reality is that you can have a happy fulfilling life at your current weight.

There are women who are attracted to men of all shapes and sizes. What you have to do is believe that you have something to offer. Yeah, I know that that's much easier said than done when you've spent your entire life as a fat person (and I speak from personal experience). But confidence is ultimately what will draw women to you, and your kindness, intelligence and humor is what will make them stay. Sex is a happy by-product.

Specific advice? For the short term, I won't disagree with those who suggest that you might want to hire a sex worker. It seems you feel that your virginity has become a major stumbling block, and that might complicate your future dealings in the dating world. Relieving your immediate urges and passing that milestone might make you feel more comfortable (and provide incentive) for pursuing relationships in the future. Before you dive in, you might want to peruse some resources about sex and fat people. While a sex worker might be very proactive in the situation, it might be good to have some ideas about positions in mind. These resources may also help you envision yourself in sexual relationships, and boost your confidence in the sexual arena: Positions for Fat People

Big Big Love: A Sourcebook on Sex for People of Size and Those Who Love Them by Hanne Blank This book is a fabulous resource for dating, relationship, and sex.

For the longer term, you might want to start delving into the world of fat acceptance. Your weight may fluctuate over your life time... but you have to find a sense of inner peace and self worth that isn't tied to a number on a scale. By reading and eventually talking to other fat people who know where you are coming from you might start to feel better about your situation. If you don't love you, ain't nobody else gonna do it. Some good places to start are:

Big Fat Blog
Fat!So? by Marilyn Wann and the website
Girls Who Love Fat Men they do exist
Fat Chance A documentary about a fat man and his journey to size acceptance
On-line Resource for Big Folks

When and if you feel up to it, there are plenty of online dating sites that cater to fat folks (the web short hand is BBW and BHM... big beautiful women and big handsome man... yes, these are stupid euphemisms, but will simplify your googling).

And lastly... a word of warning. Fat people are seen as easy targets for exploitation. Women are often manipulated for sex, and men are manipulated for money. So be smart and cautious.
posted by kimdog at 9:58 PM on July 25, 2006 [6 favorites]

Paying for sex with a prostitute is not going to solve this problem, it's just going to break you. Think about it --- you start sleeping with prostitutes, and you'll want it more and more, and you'll have to spend $300-$400 a pop minimum, unless they're crack whores. You will be paying a fortune for something you could be getting for free, despite what you think about your appearance.

I can't believe so many people here counseled the prostitution solution. Having sex with prostitutes will very possibly warp your view of sex, and distort your view of how normal (by normal I mean "not prostitutes") women behave during sex and what consensual, non-compensated sex is like.

You need to work on getting to know women in a natural setting. You need to see that women can like you and desire you without you having to pay for it. Fork over $400 for a lay and you will feel like the most pathetic, undesirable person who walked the planet. You need to know the truth -- that you can be desired for yourself, not for your money.

I agree with all the people who suggest online dating services, or just forcing yourself to go up to women and show them your true, lively, smart self. You come across in your message as a witty, intelligent, well-balanced person. Push yourself into situations where you'll meet lots of eligible women. Paying for it isn't the solution, it's just prolonging the problem and deepening it.
posted by jayder at 10:04 PM on July 25, 2006 [1 favorite]

Well zackdog beat me to the massage parlor idea. That's an easy way to get some lovin' without worrying about getting busted. And if you want to know whether a given parlor is one of "those," I believe the standard industry query is, "Do you offer massage with full release?" Plus there'll be lots of Asian girls. Yellow pages "massage". There ought to be lots of them down by the airport.


Screw illegal. Do you drive the speed limit? Just go get it done. It'll get you past this hump (oh ho ho) and then you won't have to worry as much about this giant glowing virgin sign in your head. Obviously you're looking for it to happen organically, but given your self image and your age, that's not going to happen any time soon, is it.

So go look for an "escort service". Go walk around the hotel district when the convention is in town. Ask your less reputable friends where the bitches at, yo. (it helps if you phrase it that way). Ask the bartender at the strip club. It's not how you'd like it to go down, but you're talking about some kind of breakdown here. It doesn't have to be this drastic.

I agree with a lot of the other advice here about the healthier, longer term issue - stopping caring about rejection, etc. It's hard to change who you are over night, but the journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step. So get started. Only thing stopping you is you. Good luck, my husky brother.
posted by kookoobirdz at 10:04 PM on July 25, 2006

PS - not recommending a life of hookerdom, just the once to relieve the pressure and maybe get you rolling. Wouldn't recommend it at all but for the looming breakdown. It's not the real thing, but you're a grownup and I don't think we need to worry about you getting warped. You know what you're getting into if you go that route.
posted by kookoobirdz at 10:10 PM on July 25, 2006

So, you tell me, go diet, work out, get fit.

Actually, you sound like a prime candidate for some serious medical attention, both for your body and your mind.

It's not about the strip clubs, the hookers or the health clubs. It sounds like you need more help than that. Hopefully, this thread pushes you in the right direction, as that's what you seem to be asking.
posted by frogan at 10:20 PM on July 25, 2006

There is such a basic asymmetry about the way men and women select one another as sexually interesting, that it is nearly impossible for an inexperienced man such as the OP to see himself as a woman might. Instead, he sees himself the way the mirror does, and since he sees only faults, he can only imagine women see him only that way, too.

Back in 1967, zoologist Desmond Morris's book The Naked Ape tried to take a non-anthropologist's scientific view of the biology and physiology of the process. I recommend reading it to the OP, just for the educational value. But a key point of Morris's work is that men are sexually visually selective for what he presumes are evolutionary reasons, and women are far, far less so, for equally valid, but entirely different evolutionary reasons. Women, it turns out, have eyes, but thank Bob above, for the sake of all mankind, they aren't ruled by them, in the ways that men too often are, and that, with only their own male lizard brains, too often assume that women must be also.

It's not that women don't notice Tom Selleck types, and still give ol' Tom big points in "sexiest man alive" polls, it's just that when it comes to picking prospective fathers for their kids-to-be, they aren't all that stringent about appearance. Women actually do pay attention to kindness, character, sense of humor, steadfastness, and the "total package," a lot more than we give them credit for doing. But telling the OP that, even a million times, won't convince him; it won't still the voice in his own head that is holding him back, and it won't change his behavior.

Frustration might. Desperation might. When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you do something, finally. If that means a ticket to Nevada, though, I'd be surprised. The girls at the Mustang Ranch may be competent professionals, who actually might like to help, if the situation were put before them appropriately, but I sense that the OP could have arranged that kind of trip years ago, if he'd wanted.

What he wants, more than anything, to the point that it would make such a trip to Nevada unlikely, if not impossible, though he doesn't say it in so many words, is simply what he believes is least possible: he simply wants to be wanted by a women, and accepted as a man. And he very much doesn't want that to be faked, nor does he believe he can get that by force or money. Given his desperation, we can take from this that he is a good guy, and worth some woman's attention and respect.

So here's hoping that his frustration holds, and his desperation develops to the point he launches himself on his Great Quest, and doesn't settle for a trip to Nevada, with his credit cards in hand. Here's hoping he gets out of his rut, and goes where real women are, and swallows hard around the heart in his throat, and picks out a friendly female face, and says "Hi, I'm Anonymous. Maybe you can tell me ..." And that he keeps doing that, again and again, without discouragement, with respect for what he learns about himself, and women, until he finds a woman who does laugh at his jokes, and likes his smile, and lets him know, finally, that she does want him.

Because all the great lovers have their hearts out front, and their bald spots in back.
posted by paulsc at 10:26 PM on July 25, 2006 [5 favorites]

I have had several friends who hit on every single woman they met. They reasoned that for every woman they propositioned, one would say yes. They didn't care about the 99 that rejected them, only the one who said yes.

If you are in a city of millions, there are thousands of women who will have sex with you. Your goal is to find one. You may be rejected 999 times, but if you keep trying, you will find the one. The trick is to get used to the rejection.

If that doesn't work, or you are unwilling to try, go on a trip. There are many places where women put less stock in your looks and more in your personality and ability to provide for them. Start with Central or South America.
posted by Yorrick at 10:28 PM on July 25, 2006

nevada prostitution: some advice
posted by hortense at 10:34 PM on July 25, 2006

I think Jayder nails it with the comment about learning to be desired for yourself. In that spirit, throw away this sense of shame about being a virgin. Embrace it! There are many women who would find it endearing and sexy, and who'd spark to the idea of being a guy's "first". Think of it as a unique opportunity for the right woman to school a charming man in the art of making love to her really well. Post on Craigslist. There's someone for everyone there. Yes, including you. Believe it or not, women come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and preferences, just like men do. Give yourself some credit for being attractive and interesting, and give the women of the world credit for being able to appreciate quality.

As for your unfulfilled sex drive -- dude, jack off as much as you need. Most of us don't spend our whole lives getting laid nightly by a partner. Your hand is your friend.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 10:37 PM on July 25, 2006

The advice about going out and doing things and meeting people is good. The advice about dressing and grooming well is good.

The advice to hire a prostitute -- you'll have to make that decision on your own, but for me personally, knowing he'd slept with prostitutes would be a deal-breaker where a man's physique and hair would never be. I agree with jayder above that it would probably only make you feel worse.

Go out at least twice a week, to places that aren't bars. Do you have a camera? Take a photography course. If you play an instrument, join a community band or orchestra. Take an extension course from a college. Taking a cooking class will put you in a position to meet plenty of women. Go to weddings. They're great places to meet lots of people, and science has proven that more than half of people are girls!
posted by Sallyfur at 10:37 PM on July 25, 2006 [2 favorites]

I just want to nth the people who are suggesting that you don't hire a prostitute, as it doesn't sound like that's really what you're after. I also want to support the idea of online dating. No matter how dire it may seem, you're absolutely positively not in this situation alone. There are scores of people out there that feel just like you right now. The internet is a great way to connect with people who might actually be interested in you as a person (imagine that!) regardless of your weight. In such a superficial society, we often don't believe this is true or possible anymore. But it is. There are people out there that will be attracted to you -- body and mind -- right now. I think that's part of the first step in getting over this hurdle: finding a way to understand that you are acceptable as a person just the way you are. Ideally, you could get to this place by yourself. (therapy might be a possibility?) For some people, it may take finding a person who can validate you romantically. After that, you might make the decision that it's worth figuring out this weight/self esteem/whatever else it is issue. I say this as a person who was once in a similar situation and found a way to conquer it. I'm happily married and figured out my weight issues. It is possible! Yes, even for you. Good luck to you.
posted by theantikitty at 11:02 PM on July 25, 2006 [1 favorite]

I just want to say that you sound like a kind and insightful person and a good writer.

Chicks dig those things.
posted by ottereroticist at 11:16 PM on July 25, 2006

There are two elements in what Anonymous is asking. One is, how can I have sex right away? The other is, how can I find romance, a relationship, a "normal" dating life?

It's absolutely right, Anon, that hiring a prostitute would only be a good idea as a matter of last resort, and a one-time thing (which is why it would make sense to go somewhere like Nevada -- to make it a special one-time-only thing, to avoid any local or legal entanglements, and to be sure you're dealing with above-board places where sex workers have good conditions) to get over the virginity thing.

Anonymous has phrased things in such a way that it sounds like this option may be partly what he's angling for some advice about, though. Just for the record, Anon, I don't think anybody here thinks that you're a person who would need to pay for sex; people are just suggesting that in response to the urgent tone of your post. If you think that you could go through with dealing sanely with a sex worker and feel ok about yourself after, it might be really useful. If you have doubts about that, then obviously, obviously, don't do it.

Also in the con column, Sallyfur's opinion (that it could be a dealbreaker for future partners) is probably pretty widely held, so worth nothing.

Agreed also that the first step toward long term solution is to see yourself (as others absolutely will) as a great guy who's highly dateable. Wipe any self-torturing Chris Farley image from your mind. That's not how other people see you generally, and that's not how anybody you'll get naked with will see you. In the normal course of things, by the time you get naked with anyone, they like you, and they're paying more attention to other things (including how embarrassed they are about their own bod).

Let your mental lead-in attitude be "Hi there! I'm an interesting guy, successful, great sense of humor, pleased to meet you. Tell me a little bit about yourself."

Never, never: "Hi there! I'm a big guy, you may have noticed.. er, sorry about that.. also I have this bald spot that you might have seen... yeah.. I usually wear a hat, heh... um I'll just go now."
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:22 PM on July 25, 2006 [2 favorites]

More concisely: our flaws are always bigger to us than they are to others. Good luck!
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:24 PM on July 25, 2006 [1 favorite]

I'm really not sure what kind of advice to offer you; I think you'll have to turn to other mefites for that. But I'd like to give you a little encouragement.

The way you describe yourself-- the weight, the balding, the failure thus far in the romantic department-- makes it sound like you don't think you have much to offer a potential mate. I imagine that makes it very difficult for you to reach out and try to connect with women, to flirt and show your romantic and/or sexual interest in them and establish the start of a relationship. Walking through life with the belief that you are undesirable, even though you want desperately to be desired, can be excrutiating.

But not all women are looking for a pretty playboy. Even when it comes to the search for a sexual partner, many ladies (myself included) are ultimately more interested in things like intelligence and personality than things like girth.

When I consider entering into a sexual relationship with someone, I want to know what they're like. And I don't mean "he's a balding, overweight, thirty-something virgin." I mean, what are they really like, under all the surface junk? What do they think and feel and say? How can we relate to eachother as humans? How will they touch me and respond to my touch? There are women out there who think like this, whose vision of a good partner jibes with what you have to offer. Please, don't believe that you are hopeless.

Good luck.
posted by bookish at 11:43 PM on July 25, 2006 [1 favorite]

Going to a pro isn't going to be a magic bullet for your problems, but it will definitely give you a better perspective. I'd say just do it. It doesn't mean that's all you'll ever do. Try and find someone friendly. And realise that they may or may not be attracted to's not cause you're bad looking.
posted by lunkfish at 12:30 AM on July 26, 2006

1. Strippers are increasing your sense of sexual frustration without helping in any way. Stop torturing yourself.

2. Lots of people have recommended getting a prostitute. But will you really be satisfied with that, or will it just feed your desire for even more like the strippers? You've said that what you really want is "someone who actually loves [you] in return."

3. Has it ever occurred to you that being a virgin might be an asset rather than something terrible? That it might help you find "someone who actually loves you in return"? Plenty of women would rather marry a man without the baggage of previous sexual relationships; the church comes to mind as a natural place to find such people. Congregations across the denominational spectrum have singles groups where you would be welcomed and supported. Consider visiting one this weekend.
posted by Ø at 2:03 AM on July 26, 2006

There's lots of goood advice here. Please follow it.

I have one thing to suggest. The next time you are going to go the strip club and blow 500 dollars, take yourself shopping and get some really good clothes. Because of your size, you may not be able to shop at armani, but I am sure there are some +size stores with great, expensive clothes.

Get clothes that you love to wear and take care of. Spend a little too much. You'll improve your appearance and wearing these clothes will give you confidence, which is a MAJOR thing women look for in a man.
posted by milarepa at 6:21 AM on July 26, 2006 [1 favorite]

You are hauling your virginity around like an anchor. Go to an expensive, high-profile Nevada brothel and just take care of it. At some point in their lives, just about everyone will give or receive sex out of gratitude, insecurity, a perceived sense of obligation, expectation of material gain, or other unromantic reasons. One time with a prostitute is not a big deal, and nothing to be ashamed of. At least she won't be doing it out of pity.

If the above sounds cynical, it's not meant to be. People are just complicated, that's all.
posted by teleskiving at 6:38 AM on July 26, 2006

Also, I love milarepa's advice, dressing well will work wonders for you.
posted by teleskiving at 6:44 AM on July 26, 2006

As an alternative to Vegas: Amsterdam! The flight's more expensive but the sex is much less expensive, and you can ease your pre- or post-coital nerves with items still illegal in the greater USA. Think of it as 'going to college, for real' for a week sometime in the future.

I think you need to get this out of your system, so a weeklong sex, booze, and soft drugs binge in a foreign country will probably be more therapeutic in the long run than a very expensive one-off shag in Vegas.
posted by little miss manners at 6:56 AM on July 26, 2006

The tone of your question sounds so much like me three years ago. Except I'm a girl, and being a fat virginal girl is, I imagine at least, even worse.
Anyway, I know how the spiral goes: you feel so hopeless about your looks that you feel nothing can save you and why bother, so you eat more. Which makes you feel worse, etc.

Here's what I think. I agree with those who've said go to a pro, just to get the virginity out of the way and demystify sex a bit. It's not the ideal first time, but at least it's a first time and then it's over and I know how huge it is to have that hanging over you. I think you'll have more confidence knowing that getting laid is not some unattainable world-changing thing.

On a more long term basis, you have to try to get out of your "ugly horrible me" mindset. You do sound very appealling. Try to remember that all kinds of people have sex, paraplegics, dwarves, burn victims, people who have the deck irreversably stacked against them worse than you. If they can find someone, so can you. And you have it better than the fat women because sex for women is much more about who the guy is than what he looks like. I've been attracted to heavy ugly guys because they were smart or charming or witty. Confidence is the key. And it sounds like that's your biggest problem, not how you look.

I want to repeat this: confidence is ultimately what will draw women to you, and your kindness, intelligence and humor is what will make them stay. Sex is a happy by-product.

On the weight thing, yes, you should diet. But I know that's something that you can't be told to do. The spiral is so strong. But remember, it works in reverse, too. If you lose a little weight, you get so psyched that it gives you the encouragement to lose a little more. With me, I saw an article about Atkins after basically despairing. And Atkins really is amazing. If you just eat steak and salad for a week, no sodas, no sugar, you will be shocked. Seriously, try it for two weeks. Two weeks is nothing. You can eat steak and salad for two weeks. People will talk about the health warnings blah blah blah but nothing is worse than you feel right now. And you might be amazed. It works even faster for men, annoyingly. And maybe you can reverse the spiral. Success breeds confidence breeds more success.

Also, just to show you how things can change quickly, read Pretty_Generic's question linked above and then this.
posted by poxuppit at 7:04 AM on July 26, 2006

No one will know you're a virgin, it is not like golfing. A whore may be an uncomfortable experience if you're not just going for a quickie, I would suggest online dating or something like that too. Also last call girls at dive bars are just as good (use a condom).
posted by geoff. at 7:38 AM on July 26, 2006

Maybe you've moved to too BIG of a city; it sounds like you're a bit overwhelmed by your surroundings (because you say you're lost and you've gained weight).

Try thinking smaller: get involved in some non-work activities that are fun for you, like a trivia night at a local bar, evening cooking classes, or something else hobby-oriented.

And instead of focusing on your weight, try focusing on your self-image. Treat yourself to some well-made clothing that makes you feel handsome and confident when you wear it, and then wear that clothing as often as possible.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 7:52 AM on July 26, 2006

Just want to add another voice to the contingent of people saying that you sound like a really nice guy, and you shouldn't go the Mustang Ranch route. You sound like a guy who wants to fall in love. You say you went to a religious school, but from your post it sounds as though you've lost your faith. So yes diet, yes jack off frequently, and maybe use this crisis to find a church or religion that fills this void in your life? Besides, church/temple/meditation retreats are excellent places to meet women.
posted by Sara Anne at 8:04 AM on July 26, 2006

1. The stripper thing is just frustrating you. Put that on hold until you're in a relationship and that energy can go somewhere.

2. Spend that money instead on your appearance: most women don't care that much about weight, but do care that a guy take some care with his appearance. Iron your shirts and don't wear sweatpants unless you're exercising, that kind of thing. As long as you aren't one of those guys who insist on having a girlfriend with a flawless, model-esque body, you're fine. Most women (and not just fat women) are more interested in kindness, humour and confidence. You are much more attractive than you think you are.

3. I mean, I'm not the kind of guy that can walk into a bar and walk out into an evening of cheap sex. Most guys are not that kind of guy, and thank God for that.

Basically, the only quick fix here is hiring a professional, and while I don't think there's anything wrong with that, lots of women do, so in the long run, going that road may not help you. You're going to have to settle for a slow fix.

Stop going to bars to pick up women, and start asking out the women who've had a chance to get to know you a little bit - probably not co-workers (especially if you live in the US), but friends of friends, classmates (taking a class in something that interests you will open up this possibility), or hobby partners (if your city has clubs that anybody can join, try joining ones for hobbies you think you might enjoy).
posted by joannemerriam at 8:06 AM on July 26, 2006

Lose your virginity in style, and enjoy a premium vacation to boot. Go here. I can't speak for it personally, but I've heard marvelous stories...
posted by SanctiCrucis05 at 8:14 AM on July 26, 2006

Wow. The Viking Resort brings immediately to mind. David Foster Wallace's A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again.
posted by Sara Anne at 8:36 AM on July 26, 2006

Besides, church/temple/meditation retreats are excellent places to meet women.

But not necessarily the sort that will sleep with you ;-)
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:38 AM on July 26, 2006 [1 favorite]

Hey, you sound like a pretty decent guy, y'know? Sure, you're a bit of a statistical outlyer, but so what?
I know I'm just adding to the chorus, but maybe AskMe works on democracy. So here's some advice.
Ditch the strippers. Going to 'em wastes money and makes you feel like you can't get a real girl. They're manipulative, yo, that's what they do for money (and the money is good). Unless you're a cocaine magnate, strip clubs aren't gonna be where you get laid.
Do go spend that money on nice clothes. You can get Armanis (you think there are no fat mobsters in fantastic clothes?), and you can afford to get them well-tailored if you stop dropping bank on strippers. A nice suit can totally be panty-peeler.
Now, you gotta have a place to wear those nice clothes. Suits are hard to find quasi-formal places to wear, even though they can be the most effective "good looking man" outfit. But you're gonna look like a doof if you're in a three-piece at the bar. I'm not saying you should switch to track suits or anything, but if you go to a decent high-end tailor or menswear store, they'll be able to outfit you. A fat guy dressed well does better than a thin guy in sweatpants.
You should come up with a plan to lose the weight, if only to give you a goal to work towards that will distract from thinking about losing your virginity all the time.
But go put up an ad on Craigslist in the Casual Encounters part. Be honest, not everyone likes the chunk, but if you're in a big city you'll find some girls that do like it (just be aware that it may take a while. You should feel fine responding to women's ads too). When you do get to the encounter, go in with a view toward having fun. I'm sure that you've read about how to go down on a woman and shit like that, but don't worry about it so much. People have sex because it's fun. Have a sense of humor. Chris Farley did get laid all the time.
And if this isn't workin' out for you, plan a trip with some of your buddies to Amsterdam. It's a million times better than Vegas, and it's easy to find women there who aren't prostitutes who still want to have no strings attached sex. And if you do have sex with a prostitute, no big deal. Don't be ashamed about it, but you should be able to do better if you want to. Take a couple of deep breaths.
(And we're ignoring the fact that only about 1% of people have the sex they want to the first time. It's usually disappointing and awkward. Most of us have already gone through that, and you'll have to too to join the club.)
C'mon, stop thinking of yourself as some fat schlub. Start thinking of yourself as Heavy D, or Notorious B.I.G. You're large because you're pimpin'!
posted by klangklangston at 8:58 AM on July 26, 2006

Oh, and asking women out outside of bars is good advice. Follow it.
posted by klangklangston at 8:58 AM on July 26, 2006

Your problem?

The focus on having SEX, rather then the desire for a relationship.

Do you truly want a girlfriend or wife or is this just meeting a physical need?

Having the attitude dating, "what can a woman do for ME?"...rather then with the attitude of wanting to connect with and love another human being is bound for failure. Women can pick up on that.

It is too bad you have lost your Christian faith, because rather then just seeing Christianity as a list of rules, you would have seen that the Bible sets forth the standards for a truly loving and respectful marriage to be gained. Where women are respected and loved, not treated as hunks of meat on a stage to be oogled at and exploited.

Honestly when I was dating and if a man told me he made a constant habit of strip clubs, I knew they were not the man for me. I in fact turned down a man when I was around the age of 18 for even a first date when he happened to mention "his hobby".

To be honest, I think you are focused way too much on the superficial, you have adopted societies false view of love. You desire a "beautiful" woman but I bet dollars to donuts you probably wont even consider a woman whose even less overweight then you are. You think only "pretty" "thin" people have sex and have applied these attitudes to yourself. The strip clubs where the superificial is promoted only help lead you more into pit.

I am a overweight person, heavier then you who has been happily married for years.
posted by Budge at 9:01 AM on July 26, 2006

I have to say, I didn't read all the replies here so I hope this advice is not repeated.

Change is your friend. We all go through life bound to the person we have made ourselves into. Sometimes this image makes us feel good, a self feeding loop where people see the good, you feel good and thus project the good. The problem with life though is that change doesn't come around very often, least of all when we don't seek it out ourselves. It's time to shed some new light on your life, on your self. Make a change.

Depending on the free time at your disposal there are hundreds of things you can do, but try to make all of them COMPLETELY separate from your 'normal' life.

Join a photography night class, book club, spanish course. Find your local sailing club, fitness centre, opening for little league coach. I don't know what interests you, but try and expand on those interests like you never have before. Make a new you, even if only slightly different, and put all the best things about your self into that new you. Project them out into the world. FORGET YOURSELF FOR A WHILE!

And who knows. Once you're in the zone maybe a cute girl at the back of your photography class will see something in your pictures she hopes to see in you. Maybe she'll be surprised by your confidence, by your ability to do new things, by your kindness, charm and throughful attitude.

Projection is everything because it is here that we make ourselves my friend. the world will only reflect back what it is your are projecting in the first place.

When you've finished reading this start changing. It really is that easy.
posted by 0bvious at 9:08 AM on July 26, 2006 [1 favorite]

"It is too bad you have lost your Christian faith, because rather then just seeing Christianity as a list of rules, you would have seen that the Bible sets forth the standards for a truly loving and respectful marriage to be gained."

Yeah, just like Lot! Or Onan! Or David!

Sorry. Ignore the advice on faith and do note the two strains of thought going through her response— The first is that you should look for a relationship, and that sex will come out of that. Which is largely true, though it may not be the most efficient solution to your problem (put in stereotypical aside about men liking to solve problems here, since you definitely posed this question with lack of sex as the problem to be solved). So it's something to think about longterm.
The second strain of thought is incredibly judgemental, and you're going to deal with that from a lot of women, especially if you don't stop going to strip clubs. You can tell a woman later into dating about what you used to do, because you were lonely, but don't bring it up in the early stages. And if you end up getting hammered and sleeping with a woman of ill-repute in Amsterdam, that's something that you shouldn't share until your relationship is strong enough to joke about it.
posted by klangklangston at 9:14 AM on July 26, 2006

Hey Mr. Anonymous... What are you thinking about all this advice so far?
posted by 0bvious at 10:09 AM on July 26, 2006

hortense: there's some ok info there, but most of it is way out of date. like, Usenet 1995 out of date. :)
posted by drstein at 10:16 AM on July 26, 2006

I haven't read all of the advice given above, and I don't know what you should do if ALL you want is sex, but if you want to meet nice women who might be interested in dating you I was thinking that a great place to meet women would be Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, or something similar. I think that Weight Watchers has weekly meetings (support group type things), and it might be a good experience for you in that it would both help you lose some weight (maybe), and you may be able to meet women who are or were heavier and understand what you are going through. You might be able to meet someone with whom you could develop some type of relationship. And I think a lot of people would agree that sex with someone that you care for, that you're in a relationship with, feels a lot better than something casual or anonymous. Not to mention that you'd likely be having it on a regular basis as opposed to just once with a prostitute.
posted by echo0720 at 10:26 AM on July 26, 2006

And the complete opposite of what I suggested above - craigslist. But that doesn't mean I think you should do it - I think it's icky and leaves you open to disease, dangerous people, etc.
posted by echo0720 at 10:29 AM on July 26, 2006

Mod note: a few comments removed, take it to metatalk if you need to be churlish and righteous
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 10:42 AM on July 26, 2006

from an anon commenter:
Read up on how to please a woman in bed. I know you're not sexually active right now, but you should prep for when you are. This will do two things for you:

1. put you in a positive mindset (if you're working towards having sex, it's more likely you'll achieve your goal);
2. allow you to please your partner when you do have sex.

Most men are bad at sex. What they've learned, they've learned from porn, which is the wrong way to learn how sex really works. If you really know how to please a woman, you'll be popular, no matter what you look like. You'll be that rare guy who cares enough to educate himself. If you don't learn -- if you're a dud in bed -- they you may get one time in the sack, but you won't be asked back. And your angst will just start all over again.

A book I recommend is: "She Comes First."

As for hiring a hooker, I'm in two minds about it. I agree that this won't solve your problems, and you definitely shouldn't let it become an addiction. But if virginity is a huge monkey on your back, you may just need to deal with it before you can move on. If you hire one, please be honest with her and tell her it's your first time. That way, she can be more helpful to you.

I can tell you from some experience, hiring a call girl can be tricky and dangerous. You don't want an STD and you don't want to wind up in jail. There are some smart ways to do it. Join or -- or both. They are both pay sites (I'm not affiliated with either, but have used both), but well worth the money (I think they're $20 a month, each). On those sites, you can read reviews of girls in your area. They also both have chat rooms, where you can talk to the girls directly. You can also talk to other "johns" and ask their opinions. Contrary to popular belief, there are many intelligent non-skanky people who hang out on these sites.

Make sure you pick a girl who is well-reviews (and has many good reviews, not just four or five). If she knows her business, she will insist that you call her first. And -- here comes the hard part -- she will insist on a referral. Since you haven't been with an escort before, you won't be able to provide one. So the only way you'll get to see her is by giving her some private information that you won't want to give her. She'll demand to know your name and employer. Having gone through this the first time, I can tell you it's really scary. But they all do this. In fact, if a girl doesn't ask for this info, she's not a pro, and you should avoid her. She's doing it to protect herself. She may call your company, very discretely, and ask to speak to you. She just needs to verify that you are who you think you are (and not a cop). Though this is terrifying (what if she's a cop), if you do this with a well-reviewed girl, you can pretty much guarantee that nothing bad will happen to you. In any case, you have to go through this. Once. If you see another girl, you can use this first girl as a referral.

These pro-level girls are also smart enough to use protection, so you should be safe from STDs.

Expect to pay $400 minimum for one hour with a pro.

AVOID craigslist like the plague. It's full of cops and scammers. Mostly scammers.

Please note that I'm not pushing you to see a prostitute. Like most people here, I think you need to get yourself a real relationship. It gets easier in one's 30s and 40s to find women who don't care about weight. Just make sure all your other ducks are in line: you dress well, you know how to have a conversation, you know how to treat a woman kindly, and you know how to pleasure one.

But I'm supplying the hooker info, because if you do decide to go that route, you should know how to do it wisely and safely.

Please understand that having sex won't solve anything. A couple of days after having it, you'll want it again, just as badly as you did the first time. The best a hooker can do is get you over initial fear. After that, you'll either have to keep hiring them over and over (which may not lead to happiness in the long run) or you'll have to work at getting a real girlfriend.

Good luck!
posted by jessamyn at 11:17 AM on July 26, 2006 [1 favorite]

There is some very good advice in this thread, which I will repeat only because it is so damn good.

1. Stop going to the strip clubs and spend that dough on sharp clothes. You'll look better, you'll feel better, and your sexual tension will decrease because there won't be strippers waving their hoohah in your face.

2. Worry less about getting sex, and set your sights on meeting someone with whom you can have a real relationship. The sex will be gone after the orgasm; a good relationship enriches our life every day.

3. I would not go to a brothel. You'll spend a lot of money and get a lot of sex, but you'll still be lonely at the end of the day. Love > sex 100 times out of 100.
posted by DWRoelands at 11:49 AM on July 26, 2006

As a big guy myself, I will confirm that it is definitely possible for you to have sex! I lost my virginity at the age of 21 and I was chunky back then, too. (So was the woman I lost it with, but it was still sex.) I met that first woman online (this was in 1990, when that was still rather unusual) and drove all the way across the country to meet her. So it took a little doing, but it did happen. I'm pretty sure that it can happen for you too.

What worked for me back then, and has worked for me many times since, and will almost certainly work for you, is chat rooms. IRC, AOL, Yahoo, it almost doesn't matter, though chat services where you can surf other people's profiles (as on AOL and Yahoo) are easier. Go into a room for the city you live in, have an interesting profile yourself (with a picture that makes you look your best), and look for women with profiles that catch your attention. Send them private messages saying "hey, your profile is funny" or whatever -- be honest, be yourself, and you'll find women will respond positively.

This works, and it's great for shy guys who can write better than they can talk. Meeting someone in person for the first time is going to be nerve-wracking, but just keep meeting people and that eventually goes away. Remember that they are probably as nervous about their flaws as you are!

You will have better confidence and success if you do get into better shape. Even if the actual change is modest, just the fact that you have proven to yourself that you can do it will give you a major boost. And so as a postscript I will offer something that's currently working pretty well for me: the Shangri-La Diet. It sounds like voodoo, but damned if it doesn't actually work. The hunger just goes away, and you feel full after eating half a sandwich. I have already had to buy smaller pants once this year and will probably have to buy another set by the end of the summer. Go get the book and some extra-light olive oil (not extra virgin!) and try it out, it'll cost you all of $20 to get started.
posted by kindall at 11:51 AM on July 26, 2006

Mr. Anonymous, please write in and let us know what you think of the advise and what your thought process is. We all understand that it took a lot of courage to self evaluate yourself and get the information out there for some help.

I'm not even close to being as good a writer as you but I wanted to help anyway I could. You are definitely not alone on issues with weight, hairloss and virginity.

Quote: Sex is like air. It only becomes a big deal when you don't have any.

Right now, sex is a big thing for you because you've never had it but having sex will not make all of your problems go away. Losing your virginity will not turn you into some super-stud and cause women to fall at your feet.

When I think about it the best studs out there were the ones that were confident and passionate about life. Their looks had nothing to do with it.

In the past when confidence, passion or happiness were problems for me I always turned to one book and it is such a cliche but it has helped me immensly. I have even bought copies of this book and given it to people I cared about.

The book is Anthony Robbins: Awaken the Giant Within. I am really sorry if that sounded like a sales pitch but it is my favorite book. (No I am not affiliated with Mr. Robbins in any way).

It'll help you identify what your weaknesses are and it will give you insight on how to take steps to making changes to improve your life. Like everything, there are no quick fixes but you can take steps towards your goals. Posting here was a good step towards identifying your problems IMHO as it means that you have taken a honest look at yourself (physically and emotionally).

I think your problem is not exactly related to virginity but more about companionship.

Quote: Rejection lasts a minute. Regret lasts a lifetime.

Really, you just have to start getting out into the world and enjoy yourself. Find hobby that you are passionate about and dive into it. Passion is attractive to the opposite sex. If you can find someone that is part of a club that has the same interests as you then you are golden.

One last quote and this one isn't from anyone famous but it is from a close friend.

Quote: My wife isn't the most beautiful woman in the world but I am with her because we have similar interests. I know that when I am old, grey and wrinkley that we will still have many things to talk about.

The moral of the quote is that looks aren't everything. This becomes even more true as people get older. Similar goals, interests and sense of humor is much much much more important.
posted by cbushko at 12:50 PM on July 26, 2006

I will offer something that's currently working pretty well for me: the Shangri-La Diet.

I hope this isn't too off-topic, but I wanted to add that I'm doing this too, and it's working for me. I almost don't know what to think. I'm a major skeptic, and Shangri-La seems like a scam to me. But it's working! My appetite is gone. I have trouble eating two meals a day. Maybe it's just a placebo effect, but it certainly is giving me pause for thought.
posted by grumblebee at 1:13 PM on July 26, 2006

I'm going to add something to the mountain of advice, which may not apply to you, but if it does it could be useful.

I know a guy who is decent looking though overweight. However, he's super funny, talented, successful business-wise, and kind to kids. He is in his thirties and has never had a girlfriend because he is so irrationally down on his looks to the extent that he complains about it all the time, even to total strangers. He doesn't look that bad, and I've had friends who've said that if he wasn't so negatively self-obsessed they would consider going out with him. But the petulance and self-pity really bug the hell out of them (and out of me, too.) He calls his mother everyday to complain about how "ugly" he is, how no one will ever like him, etc.

Now I'm not saying that you are negatively self-obsessed in the same way, and you do sound much more level-headed in regards to your other good traits, but if that overwhelming-self-hatred-as-means-of-getting-attention applies to you even a tiny bit, it could be more of a roadblock to sex than the weight thing. Self-deprecation as self-flagellation isn't charming, and neither is constant negativity. Embrace the good things about yourself, try to be proactive in changing the things you don't like, but keep your head high and an optimistic viewpoint. That's attractive.
posted by np312 at 1:36 PM on July 26, 2006 [2 favorites]


I honestly can't believe I'm even posting this site after it was the cause of a family memeber's divorce. I don't condone breaking the law, I don't suggest unsafe sexual practices, and I especially don't condone infidelity (not that that's the issue here, but there are other folks present, and all)...

All of that out of the way, you don't really need to fly to Vegas to hire a working woman.

Anyway, this is a tough situation. I lost my virginity fairly late, myself -- or late, as compared to all of my friends...which regardless of the age, can cause a fair amount of anxiety. I remember all of the wondering what it would be like, the mental build-up, the wondering if toys would adequately approximate it... I can't even begin to imagine that feeling, given several more years to ferment.

I don't find anything ethically wrong with prostitution -- I feel like it should be legal and taxed. If you choose to go that way, then power to you, brother. At the very least, it might help get some of that "OMGIHAVETOHAVESEXNOWORIMGONNABURST" feeling out, and then you can focus on finding and nurturing a relationship wherein you will hopefully have much more fulfilling sex with some frequency.

I don't remember who up there it was that posted this, but I think it bears repeating. The biggest boon to your chances with the fairer sex?

"Don't give a shit about rejection."

If you *truly* adopt this and take it to heart, you will have developed a confidence that is very sexy to many women.
posted by kaseijin at 8:15 PM on July 27, 2006

Consider finding a life coach or therapist who can help you learn dating skills. Change your strategy. Don't ask the obvious women out so much. Look for the nice, kind woman who may have been single a long time. There are lots of really nice people, of both genders, who stay at home a lot because they suck at dating, or are overweight or have bad hair or stupid taste in clothes or annoying voices. Recognizing your own imperfections, you want someone to see the wonderful you inside, so do the same. Seriously. Look around your office, circle of acquaintances, etc., and you may see many potential relationship partners.
posted by theora55 at 12:26 PM on July 30, 2006

posted by delmoi at 6:00 PM on September 15, 2006

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