Would it be realistic for me to move away from my hometown?
March 11, 2025 11:26 AM Subscribe
I’m 32. Newly single and not looking for love. I’m looking to create the life I have dreamt of. Mostly I just want to be away from my hometown and al line pain associated with it. I know I can’t run from myself but I think getting away and more near nature and starting over would be good for me. I just got a new job. Can I make my dream to move away happen in 1-2 years?
I make $61k and live alone with my two cats. My lease is up in a couple of months. My checks are only about $1,450 net each 2x a month mostly after 401k etc. (every other week), and my rent is $975. I have a few thousand in credit cards debt and almost $20k in student loans. My car is two decades old. I only have about $1k saved. When I was with my ex, I wasn’t being true to myself and what I really wanted in life. And I was self sabotaging with eating fast food and spending too much on non essentials. Now that I am allowing myself to come back home to myself and figure out what’s next, I have ideas. I have been taking care of myself much better. I’ve been waking up around 5am and stretching and making my bed, meditating, journaling, exercising. I ordered a book about self sabotage and it should come in soon. I’ve been listening to motivational speaking on YouTube and personal development. Trying hard at my job that I just got.
I used to have dreams to move away from my Midwest town. I absolutely love the mountains. I’ve always wanted to live near a cool smaller town with an artsy kind of vibe and near places to hike. I loved going to Colorado when I did over a decade ago. I have been going on hikes and I have always disliked living in the city where I do, I want to move out of the city. I think I am formulating a plan where I stay in my current job a while, like 6-12 months, look for remote work, skill up. And then next year move away. All I have here is dysfunctional, toxic family, who do not understand me and have harmed me all my life. Every weekend I am always driving out of the city to see the countryside and I love photography and taking pictures. But the landscape here isn’t as pretty as mountains. The friends I have here are also not really ambitious and have addictions etc. I think it would be really good for me to move away. But I’m broke. I have been so much better with money lately though.
I know my dad has been neglectful and abusive in the past. But I’m considering moving there and saving up for 6-12 months. Then leaving this place. I also love to write. I want to be more creative. My old self is coming back but I have more determination to pursue what I really want to do. Maybe I could move with my dad and save and just set boundaries. Any tips? Am I crazy? I was thinking stay with my dad with strict boundaries for maybe a year, in that time near the end land a remote job, and also travel to some places i might like to live, see what it’s like and if it feels right, and then in a year or two move away and start a new life. I mentioned maybe not wanting to stay in my city forever to my mom and she said I have the best job I’ve ever had and not to leave my damn good job. She’s been on disability and was an unstable janitor before that. Idk. No place seems like what my heart wants here. She asked if there was a guy I met online or something, and absolutely not. I have had this dream in my mind for like a decade that I want to move somewhere close to nature and mountains. I truly feel that’s what I want and have researched some towns going years back.thoughts?
I make $61k and live alone with my two cats. My lease is up in a couple of months. My checks are only about $1,450 net each 2x a month mostly after 401k etc. (every other week), and my rent is $975. I have a few thousand in credit cards debt and almost $20k in student loans. My car is two decades old. I only have about $1k saved. When I was with my ex, I wasn’t being true to myself and what I really wanted in life. And I was self sabotaging with eating fast food and spending too much on non essentials. Now that I am allowing myself to come back home to myself and figure out what’s next, I have ideas. I have been taking care of myself much better. I’ve been waking up around 5am and stretching and making my bed, meditating, journaling, exercising. I ordered a book about self sabotage and it should come in soon. I’ve been listening to motivational speaking on YouTube and personal development. Trying hard at my job that I just got.
I used to have dreams to move away from my Midwest town. I absolutely love the mountains. I’ve always wanted to live near a cool smaller town with an artsy kind of vibe and near places to hike. I loved going to Colorado when I did over a decade ago. I have been going on hikes and I have always disliked living in the city where I do, I want to move out of the city. I think I am formulating a plan where I stay in my current job a while, like 6-12 months, look for remote work, skill up. And then next year move away. All I have here is dysfunctional, toxic family, who do not understand me and have harmed me all my life. Every weekend I am always driving out of the city to see the countryside and I love photography and taking pictures. But the landscape here isn’t as pretty as mountains. The friends I have here are also not really ambitious and have addictions etc. I think it would be really good for me to move away. But I’m broke. I have been so much better with money lately though.
I know my dad has been neglectful and abusive in the past. But I’m considering moving there and saving up for 6-12 months. Then leaving this place. I also love to write. I want to be more creative. My old self is coming back but I have more determination to pursue what I really want to do. Maybe I could move with my dad and save and just set boundaries. Any tips? Am I crazy? I was thinking stay with my dad with strict boundaries for maybe a year, in that time near the end land a remote job, and also travel to some places i might like to live, see what it’s like and if it feels right, and then in a year or two move away and start a new life. I mentioned maybe not wanting to stay in my city forever to my mom and she said I have the best job I’ve ever had and not to leave my damn good job. She’s been on disability and was an unstable janitor before that. Idk. No place seems like what my heart wants here. She asked if there was a guy I met online or something, and absolutely not. I have had this dream in my mind for like a decade that I want to move somewhere close to nature and mountains. I truly feel that’s what I want and have researched some towns going years back.thoughts?
Agree with above. You do NOT want to blow up your life such that you have no job, no prospects and in a home situation that might turn sour. Plan for living AND working there, and work on that plan.
Also… in my experience life planning happens a bit on its own timeline and don’t be discouraged if “move away next year” turns into “move in 2-3 years”. Sometimes it takes a while for serendipity to align with your plans.
In the mean time, also make your current life sweet. So you do not fixate on leaving as the solution to every discomfort you feel today. This attitude will serve you well in your new place too!
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:58 AM on March 11 [2 favorites]
Also… in my experience life planning happens a bit on its own timeline and don’t be discouraged if “move away next year” turns into “move in 2-3 years”. Sometimes it takes a while for serendipity to align with your plans.
In the mean time, also make your current life sweet. So you do not fixate on leaving as the solution to every discomfort you feel today. This attitude will serve you well in your new place too!
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:58 AM on March 11 [2 favorites]
I think you should go for it. Moving away is a realistic goal, and having a positive future event to look forward to and plan for will be good for you. DO NOT move to wherever your dad is, there is no amount of boundary setting that will make that situation end well. Be at least several hours away from him - just make a clean break from your family entirely. [Personal note: I moved from IL to FL alone, at 38, to a place where I didn't know a single person, because "being more near nature and starting over would be good for me," and it was the best decision I've ever made. And I actually like my family, it's just hard to make a fresh start when you're around people from your past.]
posted by storminator7 at 12:01 PM on March 11 [8 favorites]
posted by storminator7 at 12:01 PM on March 11 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: My dad is pressuring me to move back a bit. He said he’s lonely in retirement and constantly complaining how he doesn’t like it but also doesn’t want to work. How he’s bored and listless. When I visited last he helped me with my car a little bit also questioned all my decisions. Made me question my job a bit, didn’t seem proud. Made me feel wasteful of money to put my exes stuff in a storage locker for ex to retrieve. Made me feel bad for wanting to move to the county instead of the city when I feel I’ve been criticized for living in the city by family. Made it seem like the only smart thing to do would be to move back with him and save my money. Also I came excited for my new start and they were basically seeming disappointed that the relationship didn’t work out even though I thought I got the vibe they weren’t approving of him and asking if I’m dating again just a couple weeks after the breakup. My stepmom was trying to set me up with another guy. I told them, I am not interested in men right now and for a long while. I left their house feeling like a failure and like a can’t manage my life.
posted by anon1129 at 12:13 PM on March 11
posted by anon1129 at 12:13 PM on March 11
Best answer: Your update shows your dad is already giving plenty of evidence that he's going to ignore your attempt to set any kind of boundaries, strict or otherwise. Living with him will only give him a whole ton of extra time and proximity to break your spirit and your boundaries. Do not move back in with him, even if it means you need to figure out somewhere else to save money and economise a bit, even if it means your 6-12 month escape plan becomes a 12-24 month escape plan.
posted by Pandora Kouti at 12:24 PM on March 11 [17 favorites]
posted by Pandora Kouti at 12:24 PM on March 11 [17 favorites]
Best answer: Who cares what those people say? They sound deeply unpleasant. Save your money as best you can, skill up, spend lots of time looking at cute places you’d like to live. Join Reddit groups in those areas and start making connections. Go do what the fuck you want to do and fuck anyone else.
posted by meowmeowdream at 12:24 PM on March 11 [17 favorites]
posted by meowmeowdream at 12:24 PM on March 11 [17 favorites]
You're not a failure. You're just living your life. Most people's lives don't just proceed along a straight line, knocking out goals, finding all the right people. You're not responsible for your father's happiness, or anyone else's besides your own. You deserve to be in environments where you feel safe and free to be yourself. Don't move in with your dad. Maybe it's time to really look at your budget, though, in other ways, and save anything you can, and pay off debt as much as you can, bit by bit. And keep looking for remote jobs, or jobs with your skill set in a place you'd want to live.
posted by limeonaire at 12:28 PM on March 11 [1 favorite]
posted by limeonaire at 12:28 PM on March 11 [1 favorite]
Encourage your Dad to enjoy his retirement with your stepmom, and remind yourself and him that you are in different chapters of your lives. Then do your thing. Tell him to find something to do that he enjoys and connect with his peers over that. Ask him about what progress he has made every time you talk, because the world is full of people beyond his adult children. Keep encouraging, and still do your own thing. You have made an awesome start, keep going!
posted by childofTethys at 12:32 PM on March 11
posted by childofTethys at 12:32 PM on March 11
Best answer: Your goal is realistic, I think your plans leading to that goal need to be worked on some.
Your biggest overreach here is that "boundaries" are going to fix any kind of cohabitation situation. Boundaries mean that if someone crosses your boundaries, you remove yourself from the interaction. You cannot force your father to behave with boundaries, you can't go in there going "you're not going to do this and you can't say that and you can't cause me this distress-" no no no, he absolutely CAN, just because you have boundaries doesn't mean HIS behavior changes. And then you're stuck with nowhere to go on short notice.
It is easier in most cases to find a roommate you can have a businesslike but collaborative relationship with, rather than someone too intimate who is a master button-pusher, but if you go that route to save money you need to start from the premise that you've got some recent history of not being a superb judge of character and might be a little too influenced by whether someone "likes" you rather than shares your values in cleanliness, responsibility to the living space, financial responsibility, lack of drama, and little annoyances. Like, your ideal roommate is not nice and fun and going to turn into your BFF, it's someone in school plus two jobs (one to build up massive savings) who comes home to meal prep, clean up after themself, and sleep, and they too are working on their plan to GTFO.
Having cats is going to be a little bit of a moving liability. Expect to need a little more money for deposits and stuff, and limited housing inventory.
But that said, I've just settled down after 2.5 years of traveling the country looking for somewhere to be, and your hope to move somewhere mountain-y and not too big is absolutely do-able! Colorado is indeed really nice, we spend a couple of months in Longmont, which is too close to Boulder to be the most affordable but the string of Front Range towns between there and Fort Collins might be really attractive to you, at least as a starting point. It's kind of nice in that it is actually right at the geographical break point where the Rockies turn into the Plains, so you are less than an hour from Rocky Mountain National Park but at much lower elevation (I mean lower for CO, it's all pretty high) and you don't get the massive weather events that hit higher on the mountains but you're somewhat shadowed by the mountains so you're also not right in full tornado country. Also really high on our list was Albuquerque (which apparently if you watch the wrong news is so crime-ridden you can't walk down the sidewalk, but I would call it a medium-size town on a primary US Interstate that hasn't quite figured out how to deal with what that means; crime is on the high side for a town that size but it is by no means the Wild West).
posted by Lyn Never at 12:37 PM on March 11 [7 favorites]
Your biggest overreach here is that "boundaries" are going to fix any kind of cohabitation situation. Boundaries mean that if someone crosses your boundaries, you remove yourself from the interaction. You cannot force your father to behave with boundaries, you can't go in there going "you're not going to do this and you can't say that and you can't cause me this distress-" no no no, he absolutely CAN, just because you have boundaries doesn't mean HIS behavior changes. And then you're stuck with nowhere to go on short notice.
It is easier in most cases to find a roommate you can have a businesslike but collaborative relationship with, rather than someone too intimate who is a master button-pusher, but if you go that route to save money you need to start from the premise that you've got some recent history of not being a superb judge of character and might be a little too influenced by whether someone "likes" you rather than shares your values in cleanliness, responsibility to the living space, financial responsibility, lack of drama, and little annoyances. Like, your ideal roommate is not nice and fun and going to turn into your BFF, it's someone in school plus two jobs (one to build up massive savings) who comes home to meal prep, clean up after themself, and sleep, and they too are working on their plan to GTFO.
Having cats is going to be a little bit of a moving liability. Expect to need a little more money for deposits and stuff, and limited housing inventory.
But that said, I've just settled down after 2.5 years of traveling the country looking for somewhere to be, and your hope to move somewhere mountain-y and not too big is absolutely do-able! Colorado is indeed really nice, we spend a couple of months in Longmont, which is too close to Boulder to be the most affordable but the string of Front Range towns between there and Fort Collins might be really attractive to you, at least as a starting point. It's kind of nice in that it is actually right at the geographical break point where the Rockies turn into the Plains, so you are less than an hour from Rocky Mountain National Park but at much lower elevation (I mean lower for CO, it's all pretty high) and you don't get the massive weather events that hit higher on the mountains but you're somewhat shadowed by the mountains so you're also not right in full tornado country. Also really high on our list was Albuquerque (which apparently if you watch the wrong news is so crime-ridden you can't walk down the sidewalk, but I would call it a medium-size town on a primary US Interstate that hasn't quite figured out how to deal with what that means; crime is on the high side for a town that size but it is by no means the Wild West).
posted by Lyn Never at 12:37 PM on March 11 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I think it's very safe to say that taking life advice from people who are not happy with their own lives is a bad idea. they're bored and disappointed in their own lives and are projecting that onto you. If they are so good at knowing how to have a fulfilling life they'd be having one, and not trying to meddle in yours. So yes! go to the mountains and be free! wander the woods and look at beauty! Your plan of taking a few years to skill up and save is great. Sure you may save money living with your folks, but the cost will be high in the energy you have to expend in maintaining those boundaries. All that great progress you have been making on yourself is going to be eaten up by their negativity. (I mean look how you started to self doubt from just one visit, imagine if that was everyday) If you feel like you have extra energy to put towards making your dream come true, instead of using it to enforce boundaries, you can: do odd jobs to earn extra money; learn new skills to be better at your job; research what small towns in the mountains have a lower cost of living so you don't need as much savings; draw up a good budget and stick to it; learn to cook low-cost recipes; All things that will make you feel good about what you've accomplished. You can absolutely do this.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:05 PM on March 11 [5 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:05 PM on March 11 [5 favorites]
Nthing the recommendation not to move in with your dad. One of the most universal traits of abusive people is that they do not respect boundaries. If he has not grown as a person, he will not respect yours. If you want to save money, you could find a housemate who's similar in age / period of life to you and share an apartment with them to help with the savings element.
I do recommend getting more specific on where you might want to move, that will help immensely with actually making the plan into a reality. If you can pick a specific town or area of a state, then you can concentrate your efforts on understanding what the local job and rental market is like. This may be also important because if you are only searching for jobs that are fully remote, then you are going to be competing with a much larger pool of people from around the US. On the other hand, if you apply for jobs that are hybrid and require some on-site work, that reduces the competition by a lot.
posted by rcraniac at 1:06 PM on March 11 [2 favorites]
I do recommend getting more specific on where you might want to move, that will help immensely with actually making the plan into a reality. If you can pick a specific town or area of a state, then you can concentrate your efforts on understanding what the local job and rental market is like. This may be also important because if you are only searching for jobs that are fully remote, then you are going to be competing with a much larger pool of people from around the US. On the other hand, if you apply for jobs that are hybrid and require some on-site work, that reduces the competition by a lot.
posted by rcraniac at 1:06 PM on March 11 [2 favorites]
Planning to move is a great idea.
I recommend against formulating specific plans right now though, because when you are rebuilding a life for yourself, situations can change.
For now, get into a daily life routine that makes you happy, do self-help stuff which seems useful, and save money.
In six months, assess your situation and start considering specific options. For example, in my field, remote work is very competitive. If that's true for yours too, you can decide where you want to consider moving and looking for jobs, and getting a better sense of exactly how much you'll need to save up first.
Your parents' opinions are not useful right now so there's no need to discuss any of this with them. Moving in with your father would likely make it harder to rebuild a life you want, and that should be a higher priority than saving money unless you're in dire straights.
posted by metasarah at 1:15 PM on March 11 [2 favorites]
I recommend against formulating specific plans right now though, because when you are rebuilding a life for yourself, situations can change.
For now, get into a daily life routine that makes you happy, do self-help stuff which seems useful, and save money.
In six months, assess your situation and start considering specific options. For example, in my field, remote work is very competitive. If that's true for yours too, you can decide where you want to consider moving and looking for jobs, and getting a better sense of exactly how much you'll need to save up first.
Your parents' opinions are not useful right now so there's no need to discuss any of this with them. Moving in with your father would likely make it harder to rebuild a life you want, and that should be a higher priority than saving money unless you're in dire straights.
posted by metasarah at 1:15 PM on March 11 [2 favorites]
But I’m broke. I have been so much better with money lately though.
Hey so if you're taking home 2900 a month and your rent is 975, you are going to feel so good about yourself and your ability to create goals and reach them with a budget. There are so many excellent Gen Z budgeting influencers and apps and community. Don't let people sell you on Dave Ramsey and old Christian white guys! Get on BudgetTok or whatever works for you and you might really, really empower yourself in this transitional life phase.
(Also do not move in with your dad.)
posted by DarlingBri at 1:15 PM on March 11 [4 favorites]
Hey so if you're taking home 2900 a month and your rent is 975, you are going to feel so good about yourself and your ability to create goals and reach them with a budget. There are so many excellent Gen Z budgeting influencers and apps and community. Don't let people sell you on Dave Ramsey and old Christian white guys! Get on BudgetTok or whatever works for you and you might really, really empower yourself in this transitional life phase.
(Also do not move in with your dad.)
posted by DarlingBri at 1:15 PM on March 11 [4 favorites]
It's wonderful to read about all the positive changes you are making and the goal you have!
Yes, you can do this! First get out of debt and then save a nice chunk to support your goal.
I highly recommend using a budget app. I've been using a great one called Qube Money. What I love about it is that is all automated and that there is no reconciling. It is all immediate. I set up my budget qubes (like cash envelopes), got my paycheck direct deposited, and then set up automatic allocation my paycheck to all my qubes. Then when I buy something I have to open the app, open the right qube, pay with the credit card, and it immediately gets deducted from that qube! For example I have a gas qube with $30 per week allocated from my paycheck. I go to gas station, open that qube, pay $25 for gas, and then there is $5 left. I have all kinds of savings qubes too.
Anyways, I totally agree with a previous poster to figure out a budget, and to not move in with your Dad, and possibly get a roommate when you are even more stabilized to increase your savings. (And use the library!!!!)
I love your plans and the path you're on. Can't wait to read about your progress!
posted by halehale at 2:32 PM on March 11 [2 favorites]
Yes, you can do this! First get out of debt and then save a nice chunk to support your goal.
I highly recommend using a budget app. I've been using a great one called Qube Money. What I love about it is that is all automated and that there is no reconciling. It is all immediate. I set up my budget qubes (like cash envelopes), got my paycheck direct deposited, and then set up automatic allocation my paycheck to all my qubes. Then when I buy something I have to open the app, open the right qube, pay with the credit card, and it immediately gets deducted from that qube! For example I have a gas qube with $30 per week allocated from my paycheck. I go to gas station, open that qube, pay $25 for gas, and then there is $5 left. I have all kinds of savings qubes too.
Anyways, I totally agree with a previous poster to figure out a budget, and to not move in with your Dad, and possibly get a roommate when you are even more stabilized to increase your savings. (And use the library!!!!)
I love your plans and the path you're on. Can't wait to read about your progress!
posted by halehale at 2:32 PM on March 11 [2 favorites]
Best answer: My dad is pressuring me to move back a bit [...]
OK, but so what?
I think you're telling us this because you want reassurance that what your dad said was wrong, but I think it's more important for you to realize that what he said is irrelevant.
One of the themes of your posts is that it seems like your most meaningful relationships have been with men who undermine you, who try to make you think that they know what's best for you - which is conveniently being their camp follower and caretaker. And you have trouble ignoring it even though you know they aren't trusted sources of advice, that they're self-serving dipshits. You have trouble saying no, that you know what's best for you, and you're going to do it regardless of what they think because what they think doesn't matter. I think you you have trouble saying this because you have been undermined for a very long time.
I think you should practice ignoring their opinions, though. And it will get easier if you get away from them, reduce contact, and really start living your own life.
What I'm saying is, DO NOT MOVE IN WITH YOUR DAD. He will continue to undermine you like he has in the past. He will not respect your boundaries. He may continue to be abusive. You might have to take a little longer to save up enough money to move, but it also means you're more likely to move because you will not be going back into the environment that made it so hard for you to assert yourself in the first place.
$61k and $975 rent is enough money that you can definitely do this. If you don't have a specific plan yet - and that's fine, you deserve a little breathing room after the recent major changes to your life - one thing that you could do that will benefit you regardless of your future plans is coming up with a budget that allows you pay off some of your debt money aside toward your goals.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 2:33 PM on March 11 [5 favorites]
OK, but so what?
I think you're telling us this because you want reassurance that what your dad said was wrong, but I think it's more important for you to realize that what he said is irrelevant.
One of the themes of your posts is that it seems like your most meaningful relationships have been with men who undermine you, who try to make you think that they know what's best for you - which is conveniently being their camp follower and caretaker. And you have trouble ignoring it even though you know they aren't trusted sources of advice, that they're self-serving dipshits. You have trouble saying no, that you know what's best for you, and you're going to do it regardless of what they think because what they think doesn't matter. I think you you have trouble saying this because you have been undermined for a very long time.
I think you should practice ignoring their opinions, though. And it will get easier if you get away from them, reduce contact, and really start living your own life.
What I'm saying is, DO NOT MOVE IN WITH YOUR DAD. He will continue to undermine you like he has in the past. He will not respect your boundaries. He may continue to be abusive. You might have to take a little longer to save up enough money to move, but it also means you're more likely to move because you will not be going back into the environment that made it so hard for you to assert yourself in the first place.
$61k and $975 rent is enough money that you can definitely do this. If you don't have a specific plan yet - and that's fine, you deserve a little breathing room after the recent major changes to your life - one thing that you could do that will benefit you regardless of your future plans is coming up with a budget that allows you pay off some of your debt money aside toward your goals.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 2:33 PM on March 11 [5 favorites]
Unless you're spending more on your card(s) each month than you can pay off, considering getting a consolidation loan from a credit union to pay it/them in full. Then pay the same amount every month. Without the usurious interest credit card companies charge, you'll have the balance paid off much more quickly. But ONLY if that leaves you in a position to pay your CC balance in full every month. Otherwise you're just getting in deeper. Lots of great advice above. And congratulations! You've made lots of great choices already.
posted by kate4914 at 2:36 PM on March 11 [5 favorites]
posted by kate4914 at 2:36 PM on March 11 [5 favorites]
It's going to take time, so make the journey as pleasant as possible. You'll get further ahead in every respect by living an enjoyable life with your cats while you making small financial improvements. Hoping to get there quicker by moving in with Dad is likely to lead to rash decisions down the road and hopelessness if something comes up that delays your plans.
I've always found it necessary to dedicate a notebook to this sort of project. Break down goals, make lists, strike things off. Wishing you the best luck!
posted by brachiopod at 5:11 PM on March 11 [2 favorites]
I've always found it necessary to dedicate a notebook to this sort of project. Break down goals, make lists, strike things off. Wishing you the best luck!
posted by brachiopod at 5:11 PM on March 11 [2 favorites]
May I be so bold to suggest the Money Guy Show podcast on YouTube?
What you want to do will be attainable with a bit of luck and a lot planning. You deserve to set yourself up for success as much as possible. In the short run, it’s a good idea to make a budget. You should plan on paying off your credit card debt ASAP. See if you can transfer the balance to a zero interest rate card. Moving is also expensive, so you will want moving expenses to come from your savings and not your credit card.
Your budget also needs to plan for the fact that cars tend to need replacing at inconvenient moments.
Besides minimizing your expenses, you can also try to increase your income (eg with a side hustle).
N-thing the recommendation to avoid living in the same city as your dad, let alone the same home. Over the next year or so, research cities and towns that might meet your requirements.
posted by oceano at 6:02 PM on March 11 [1 favorite]
What you want to do will be attainable with a bit of luck and a lot planning. You deserve to set yourself up for success as much as possible. In the short run, it’s a good idea to make a budget. You should plan on paying off your credit card debt ASAP. See if you can transfer the balance to a zero interest rate card. Moving is also expensive, so you will want moving expenses to come from your savings and not your credit card.
Your budget also needs to plan for the fact that cars tend to need replacing at inconvenient moments.
Besides minimizing your expenses, you can also try to increase your income (eg with a side hustle).
N-thing the recommendation to avoid living in the same city as your dad, let alone the same home. Over the next year or so, research cities and towns that might meet your requirements.
posted by oceano at 6:02 PM on March 11 [1 favorite]
Your parents aren’t giving you advice that’s best for you. They’re trying to get you to do stuff that benefits them. It sounds like your mom has some anxiety about getting you “settled” (my guess is because she thinks it reflects better on her as a parent if you are) and your dad wants your companionship. These aren’t evil motivations but they’re not going to help you grow. Good luck and don’t give up.
posted by eirias at 6:40 PM on March 11 [1 favorite]
posted by eirias at 6:40 PM on March 11 [1 favorite]
nthing not to move in with family. Suggesting that _maybe_ you: 1] start researching cool towns now; 2] See if you can find a job that you like in one that looks good, and which allows you to rent; and 3] consider if you can find housing near your job that allows you to walk or bike to work for a while. That will do two things: it will allow you to sell the car to provide money for the move, and the exercise of walking or biking to work will fit in with your overall exercise plan. I got divorced one year, and had the kids with me, who had orthodontist bills. I sold the little truck I drove (we had a car that my high-school-aged daughter drove, so not without transportation totally), paid off the orthodontist, and walked 3.5 miles to work each morning, taking the bus when it rained and always taking the bus home. So basically, what my last suggestion was and it really worked for me.
posted by TimHare at 10:35 PM on March 11
posted by TimHare at 10:35 PM on March 11
Sounds hard, but if you're game for hard then the plan also sounds great! You have a commendable nature goal and you sound pretty flexible. Dunno... you are not me, but if I was in your position, I'd probably do this:
*I don't know you or your dad. Maybe it would work out. Only you know in your core if it could. If not, then you might consider the room rental thing locally too! Trying it would give you a sense of whether it suits you before the big move.
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 10:36 PM on March 11 [2 favorites]
- get a second job for a stretch... I had two from my teens thru most of my 20s to make and save money and pay off debt, and to me it was so worth it;
- consider the dad thing as long as it's a safe space.* Especially if I went the route of a second job, I'd rarely be home to deal with him (though yes, I'd miss my kitties). I would do this with the mindset that every cent I saved by doing it (all that rent and associated bills) was paying down my debt or going to the future car or adventure fund;
- pay off my credit card debt and then never have that debt again. The interest is insane, and a real weight to bear. That would be my #1 because I have financial anxiety and for me losing that would feel very freeing;
- I'd make sure my student loan was optimized, whatever that means...consolidation? autopayment? rate reduction? dunno...but there are likely things to investigate;
- really take good care of the old car, so it lasts as long as possible, and also make sure I was using aforementioned funds to develop a dedicated car fund;
- investigate from afar the dreamtowns near hiking, by joining online groups, subreddits, etc., to get a sense of those places...are they walkable if the car dies? how about public transportation? do they have good internet for remote work? are there jobs?
- once I narrowed down my destinations, I'd do whatever I could to find a good match and rent a room in someone's house. Sure I have cats, but some people really like cats and might be game to have sweet fuzzies around if they didn't have to take care of them. By doing this, I've made a low commitment in the move: No deposit, no yearlong lease, lower living expenses...the house after all already has laundry and kitchen stuff, and is probably fully furnished. There are tons of solo women out there with extra space who are open to sharing space with the right person;
- enjoy my new town! Get out and do all the things!
*I don't know you or your dad. Maybe it would work out. Only you know in your core if it could. If not, then you might consider the room rental thing locally too! Trying it would give you a sense of whether it suits you before the big move.
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 10:36 PM on March 11 [2 favorites]
Moving in with your Dad sounds like quicksand, if he’s pressurising you to move in now, imagine what it will be like once you’ve been there for a while and you’re getting ready to make your move. It will make it so much harder.
Having made this kind of move away from family and home and everything familiar, I think in hindsight I started detaching myself emotionally long before the physical move. Maybe something else to work on while you’re getting logistics in place.
posted by ElasticParrot at 2:22 AM on March 12 [1 favorite]
Having made this kind of move away from family and home and everything familiar, I think in hindsight I started detaching myself emotionally long before the physical move. Maybe something else to work on while you’re getting logistics in place.
posted by ElasticParrot at 2:22 AM on March 12 [1 favorite]
One quick addition: you mentioned you are paying to store your exes stuff? Do you have a solid agreement as to how long that will go on? Storage fees are a useless money suck (I went down that road far too long). If you don't have an agreement with your ex, make one now and do it on a tight time frame. i.e. "I will pay for one more month of storage and then you need to take your stuff away or switch the bill to your name, or I will cancel my contract, and arrange for your stuff to go to charity." There is no reason for you to continue this financial agreement. Then put that fee in your "escape" fund.
I am also on team "don't move in with Dad."
And, I know we are told we must max out our 401K at all times, but I would cut my contribution in half and use that to pay off your credit cards. This will require discipline but it looks like you are in a good place to do that.
My only other thoughts are don't get a pet if you don't already have one and consider moving somewhere you can be car-free. For example I live in the SF Bay area--we are not the greatest as public transit, but a lot of our transit agencies work to have connections to open space as well as urban centers. Other cities do this, too. If you can be car independent for a while (or use your car a lot less) that will help, too.
posted by agatha_magatha at 9:19 AM on March 12
I am also on team "don't move in with Dad."
And, I know we are told we must max out our 401K at all times, but I would cut my contribution in half and use that to pay off your credit cards. This will require discipline but it looks like you are in a good place to do that.
My only other thoughts are don't get a pet if you don't already have one and consider moving somewhere you can be car-free. For example I live in the SF Bay area--we are not the greatest as public transit, but a lot of our transit agencies work to have connections to open space as well as urban centers. Other cities do this, too. If you can be car independent for a while (or use your car a lot less) that will help, too.
posted by agatha_magatha at 9:19 AM on March 12
I love this goal for you! It absolutely sound attainable, as long as you give yourself some flexibility on the timeline.
When I was in my 20s and 30s, I always felt in this huge rush to accomplish things and felt like I was falling behind. Now that I'm in my mid-40s, I realize that life isn't a race and unless we meet an early demise, we actually have a lot of time to achieve our goals. You are only 32! That's so young! Even if it takes you five full years to get yourself to Colorado, you'll still have decades in front of you to enjoy it.
When I was roughly your age, I decided that it was my goal to buy a house. I also decided that I wouldn't start saving up for a down payment until I paid off all my student and car loans. I didn't actually buy a house until ten years later, but it was SUPER motivating to have the goal to work towards, and to slowly complete the steps that would take me there. Maybe you could make a similar list of steps / goals that will eventually get you to CO, and start slowly knocking them out.
Lastly, I would make it your mission to get very, very good with money. There are so many good budget threads on AskMF, and tons of good Reddit forums too. You've got a solid income and low rent, which is an excellent start. Stay in that nice cheap apartment and work on simultaneously paying down debt and saving up for your move and a new car. (And perhaps a few short vacations where you can explore destinations in Colorado!)
posted by leftover_scrabble_rack at 11:16 AM on March 12 [1 favorite]
When I was in my 20s and 30s, I always felt in this huge rush to accomplish things and felt like I was falling behind. Now that I'm in my mid-40s, I realize that life isn't a race and unless we meet an early demise, we actually have a lot of time to achieve our goals. You are only 32! That's so young! Even if it takes you five full years to get yourself to Colorado, you'll still have decades in front of you to enjoy it.
When I was roughly your age, I decided that it was my goal to buy a house. I also decided that I wouldn't start saving up for a down payment until I paid off all my student and car loans. I didn't actually buy a house until ten years later, but it was SUPER motivating to have the goal to work towards, and to slowly complete the steps that would take me there. Maybe you could make a similar list of steps / goals that will eventually get you to CO, and start slowly knocking them out.
Lastly, I would make it your mission to get very, very good with money. There are so many good budget threads on AskMF, and tons of good Reddit forums too. You've got a solid income and low rent, which is an excellent start. Stay in that nice cheap apartment and work on simultaneously paying down debt and saving up for your move and a new car. (And perhaps a few short vacations where you can explore destinations in Colorado!)
posted by leftover_scrabble_rack at 11:16 AM on March 12 [1 favorite]
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My initial reaction would be to encourage you to pursue this part of your plan: "where I stay in my current job a while, like 6-12 months, look for remote work, skill up. And then next year move away."
But, I would NOT put yourself into a worse position to potentially be in a better position down the road. I would NOT recommend moving back into an abusive household to save a little more money. I think that is too much to ask "now you" for the benefit of "future you."
Life is a marathon. I'd encourage you to make changes that feel like sustainable and good changes. Like, if it doesn't work out exactly how you planned in 12 months, doing things that "you-in-12-months" can say, hey, that didn't work out but that's ok because I'm still in a good place.
And, if that skilled-up remote work thing comes through, it probably will have a raise attached, which may mean more to your future budget than what you might save by moving into a bad place for a while.
Go you!
posted by bruinfan at 11:45 AM on March 11 [21 favorites]