How to get over emetophobia ASAP
March 10, 2025 10:41 AM Subscribe
I've always had emetophobia, but I've made some pretty significant strides in overcoming it. My parent recently had to have surgery, and they're dealing with vomiting as a post-op complication. I've come home to help them recover, and I'm struggling. I'm feeling like an adequate child, and also like this phobia has left me ill equipt to care for any of my loved ones in the future. Can you help me not spiral into a pit of dispair? Some gross stuff inside.
I had a traumatic early childhood experience that involved being with a dying person who dealt with intractable vomiting due to chemotherapy and not having a choice about the situation, which left me with emetophobia. It was pretty severe and impacted my quality of life as a kid and teen, but I've done therapy, and I've progressed a fair amount. I live a reasonably everyday life in regards to emetophobia.
One my parents had to have an emergency abdominal surgery, and they're now vomiting. I'm okay with poop related care that's been going on, but the vomiting threw me for a loop. Thank god my spouse is with me and has been able to lend a hand, but I'm feeling guilty and awful for having an emotional reaction to this. It's primarily internal (not having a fit or anything in front of my parents, and I have been able to clean up some vomit, which is HUGE step for me) but I'm feeling like an anxious mess. The vomiting could also indicate a complication, so we need to troubleshoot that. Parent is getting medical care now to evaluate, +/- transfer to ER as needed. There is cause for some anxiety, but not the level I am having.
My partner and I stepped outside quickly, and I started to spin out, thinking I was a failure as a child, that I would not be able to care for my spouse when they become ill and need my help. I am feeling guilty and pathetic. This is not a helpful reaction to this situation. It's way out of proportion to what is happening.
I need get over this emetophobia, stop doom spiraling, and get with the program. The human body is gross; sometimes things go wrong, and no one likes to throw up. I just need to power through it. I know these things. But my logic and emotions are not computing.
I'll mention I am in therapy, but we are a very brief two week hiatus.
I would like if possible
1) advice on dealing with vomiting when it triggers panic but you must deal with it
2) advice on not focusing on future situations that may or may not happen (i.e., my spouse or other parent having a vomit-based emergency and being the only available person to render care, and being unable to do so, and it being a horrible situation.
3) maybe a chant or script I can say inside my head to help gain my rationality back in a particularly stressful moment
4) any other practical advice - along the lines of: I have ear plugs for sleeping but I wore around the vomiting parent to help block out the sounds and that was actually helpful so I could go about cleaning etc so anything along those lines to make life easier.
Thanks.
I had a traumatic early childhood experience that involved being with a dying person who dealt with intractable vomiting due to chemotherapy and not having a choice about the situation, which left me with emetophobia. It was pretty severe and impacted my quality of life as a kid and teen, but I've done therapy, and I've progressed a fair amount. I live a reasonably everyday life in regards to emetophobia.
One my parents had to have an emergency abdominal surgery, and they're now vomiting. I'm okay with poop related care that's been going on, but the vomiting threw me for a loop. Thank god my spouse is with me and has been able to lend a hand, but I'm feeling guilty and awful for having an emotional reaction to this. It's primarily internal (not having a fit or anything in front of my parents, and I have been able to clean up some vomit, which is HUGE step for me) but I'm feeling like an anxious mess. The vomiting could also indicate a complication, so we need to troubleshoot that. Parent is getting medical care now to evaluate, +/- transfer to ER as needed. There is cause for some anxiety, but not the level I am having.
My partner and I stepped outside quickly, and I started to spin out, thinking I was a failure as a child, that I would not be able to care for my spouse when they become ill and need my help. I am feeling guilty and pathetic. This is not a helpful reaction to this situation. It's way out of proportion to what is happening.
I need get over this emetophobia, stop doom spiraling, and get with the program. The human body is gross; sometimes things go wrong, and no one likes to throw up. I just need to power through it. I know these things. But my logic and emotions are not computing.
I'll mention I am in therapy, but we are a very brief two week hiatus.
I would like if possible
1) advice on dealing with vomiting when it triggers panic but you must deal with it
2) advice on not focusing on future situations that may or may not happen (i.e., my spouse or other parent having a vomit-based emergency and being the only available person to render care, and being unable to do so, and it being a horrible situation.
3) maybe a chant or script I can say inside my head to help gain my rationality back in a particularly stressful moment
4) any other practical advice - along the lines of: I have ear plugs for sleeping but I wore around the vomiting parent to help block out the sounds and that was actually helpful so I could go about cleaning etc so anything along those lines to make life easier.
Thanks.
I'm wondering if maybe some additional preparation for when vomiting situations occur or when they get out of hand may be helpful for you.
So for situations that aren't emergencies, identify what triggers you about the vomit. Is it the smell? The thought of touching it? The sight of it? For sensory things like this, there are ways to potentially allay those negative sensations (e.g. face mask*, gloves, sawdust you can pour over the vomit). You can make a cleaning kit that's ready to deploy whenever your parent vomits in an uncontrolled way.
*For bad smells in a hospital setting, I've found that putting on a face mask, putting toothpaste on the outside over the nostrils, then donning a second mask over the first one is helpful.
For an emergency situation, coming up with a plan that you can call upon may be helpful. Especially for a geriatric patient who is recovering from abdominal surgery, I feel like calling 911 (or the equivalent in your country if you are not US-based) would be step one. Then just deal with keeping your parent calm until they arrive and can help with transport to the local emergency department. After that, deal with cleaning at your leisure. The plan doesn't necessarily have to be this particular one, but it's possible that the knowledge that you are prepared will keep you from spiraling when you're "focusing on future situations." Instead of fixating on any of the potentially endless consequences and complications of a future emergency, you can reiterate to yourself, "Call 911. Stay with parent until help arrives. Clean later."
My advice basically boils down to preparation and knowing that you are prepared--both of those things in tandem will give your mind less space to spiral. You can mechanistically go through a preplanned routine and focus on that instead of your emotions.
posted by miltthetank at 10:55 AM on March 10
So for situations that aren't emergencies, identify what triggers you about the vomit. Is it the smell? The thought of touching it? The sight of it? For sensory things like this, there are ways to potentially allay those negative sensations (e.g. face mask*, gloves, sawdust you can pour over the vomit). You can make a cleaning kit that's ready to deploy whenever your parent vomits in an uncontrolled way.
*For bad smells in a hospital setting, I've found that putting on a face mask, putting toothpaste on the outside over the nostrils, then donning a second mask over the first one is helpful.
For an emergency situation, coming up with a plan that you can call upon may be helpful. Especially for a geriatric patient who is recovering from abdominal surgery, I feel like calling 911 (or the equivalent in your country if you are not US-based) would be step one. Then just deal with keeping your parent calm until they arrive and can help with transport to the local emergency department. After that, deal with cleaning at your leisure. The plan doesn't necessarily have to be this particular one, but it's possible that the knowledge that you are prepared will keep you from spiraling when you're "focusing on future situations." Instead of fixating on any of the potentially endless consequences and complications of a future emergency, you can reiterate to yourself, "Call 911. Stay with parent until help arrives. Clean later."
My advice basically boils down to preparation and knowing that you are prepared--both of those things in tandem will give your mind less space to spiral. You can mechanistically go through a preplanned routine and focus on that instead of your emotions.
posted by miltthetank at 10:55 AM on March 10
Huge sympathies. I also have emetophobia and I know how difficult and frustrating this phobia can be. That sounds like a really tough situation and I think you need to give yourself some grace and forgiveness for getting through it as well as you are. It's so, so tough to force yourself into those situations and it sounds like you're doing a great job of managing it as best you can, so give yourself some props for that!
In terms of advice, the thing that's helped me the most (besides exposure therapy, which you're getting plenty of right now!) is focusing on the idea that vomiting is a natural process just like sneezing. It is the body doing a natural thing. But like a sneeze, it can be super gross, unexpected, and can be disruptive. Your parent's body is trying to protect itself. Sometimes when I'm feeling unwell or in a bad situation, I actually repeat to myself in my head, "it's just like sneezing", over and over, and it helps me make it feel less like The End Of The World.
Also in general, I'd really recommend finding ways to get your mind off the situation. The more you keep up a normal routine and even do things you enjoy, the more you'll prove to yourself that dealing with vomiting can become a normal part of your day, not some huge bad thing. I'd definitely recommend trying to get out and going and doing something fun. Maybe download a book you've been looking forward to reading. Take some time to watch a fun TV show. Give your mind a bit of a break from the anxiety.
But mostly, the only way out is through. You will get through this! It won't be long before this is all behind you and you can look back and say to yourself: hey, I did it.
posted by fight or flight at 10:56 AM on March 10 [2 favorites]
In terms of advice, the thing that's helped me the most (besides exposure therapy, which you're getting plenty of right now!) is focusing on the idea that vomiting is a natural process just like sneezing. It is the body doing a natural thing. But like a sneeze, it can be super gross, unexpected, and can be disruptive. Your parent's body is trying to protect itself. Sometimes when I'm feeling unwell or in a bad situation, I actually repeat to myself in my head, "it's just like sneezing", over and over, and it helps me make it feel less like The End Of The World.
Also in general, I'd really recommend finding ways to get your mind off the situation. The more you keep up a normal routine and even do things you enjoy, the more you'll prove to yourself that dealing with vomiting can become a normal part of your day, not some huge bad thing. I'd definitely recommend trying to get out and going and doing something fun. Maybe download a book you've been looking forward to reading. Take some time to watch a fun TV show. Give your mind a bit of a break from the anxiety.
But mostly, the only way out is through. You will get through this! It won't be long before this is all behind you and you can look back and say to yourself: hey, I did it.
posted by fight or flight at 10:56 AM on March 10 [2 favorites]
Sorry you are dealing with this. For me, the smell is the worst part. If you can wear a mask that stops you from smelling it, that might knock down some of the physical reaction.
posted by soelo at 11:10 AM on March 10 [2 favorites]
posted by soelo at 11:10 AM on March 10 [2 favorites]
Exposure therapy can help with many phobias. I only have second-hand experience, seeing it be super effective for helping a friend get over a fear of snakes. Something you could look into getting professional help with. Here is e.g. some suggestions for how to conduct exposure therapy for emetophobia, but it's geared toward practitioners. The site may have some other helpful resources for you.
Good luck!
posted by SaltySalticid at 11:12 AM on March 10
Good luck!
posted by SaltySalticid at 11:12 AM on March 10
I am a sympathetic vomiter, which is not the same but probably manifests in similar ways. I have a child with a late-diagnosed food intolerance that caused very regular vomiting for years. These are things that helped me:
1. Get the emesis bags mentioned up thread. They are cheap. Keep them everywhere: your purse, the car accessible from each seat if you drive parent around, parent's mobility aid if they have one, next to the bed, reachable from any seat in the house parent uses. If parent can vomit primarily in the bag, cleanup is much easier.
2. Baby wipes in each room to help parent clean up from the vomit itself.
3. Clorox wipes in each room to clean up residual vomit.
4. Vaporub under your nose when cleaning up if the smell is the issue.
5. I did well with positive self talk "I am the mom and it is my job to clean this up and be calm. If I need to throw up when I am done cleaning this up, I will do so. Right now it's my job to get my child settled and clean."
6. Any vomited-upon clothing goes straight into the washing machine. Who cares if there isn't a full load?
posted by notjustthefish at 11:45 AM on March 10 [8 favorites]
1. Get the emesis bags mentioned up thread. They are cheap. Keep them everywhere: your purse, the car accessible from each seat if you drive parent around, parent's mobility aid if they have one, next to the bed, reachable from any seat in the house parent uses. If parent can vomit primarily in the bag, cleanup is much easier.
2. Baby wipes in each room to help parent clean up from the vomit itself.
3. Clorox wipes in each room to clean up residual vomit.
4. Vaporub under your nose when cleaning up if the smell is the issue.
5. I did well with positive self talk "I am the mom and it is my job to clean this up and be calm. If I need to throw up when I am done cleaning this up, I will do so. Right now it's my job to get my child settled and clean."
6. Any vomited-upon clothing goes straight into the washing machine. Who cares if there isn't a full load?
posted by notjustthefish at 11:45 AM on March 10 [8 favorites]
Maybe worth talking to your GP, if that can be done quickly, to see if there's a short term med that can help you with the physical part of your reaction? If you need to be able to power through then having something damping the adrenaline flood might make that easier.
posted by Rhedyn at 12:11 PM on March 10 [3 favorites]
posted by Rhedyn at 12:11 PM on March 10 [3 favorites]
For 1: I like to be contrary and tell myself, when something I've been struggling with happens, "Great! Now I get to practice my new approach!" (Of course that's weird; that's what helps jolt me out of my usual reaction.)
For 2: remind yourself that you can (and probably will) get better at this. I've never been emetophobic but I had that sympathetic vomiting as a kid. I wondered how it would go if I became a parent, but now it's actually totally fine. "Oh, you think you might? Ah, there it is… Hey, you look like you feel better now that it's over!"
posted by demi-octopus at 12:13 PM on March 10 [2 favorites]
For 2: remind yourself that you can (and probably will) get better at this. I've never been emetophobic but I had that sympathetic vomiting as a kid. I wondered how it would go if I became a parent, but now it's actually totally fine. "Oh, you think you might? Ah, there it is… Hey, you look like you feel better now that it's over!"
posted by demi-octopus at 12:13 PM on March 10 [2 favorites]
In addition to all of the tactical advice on how to handle the situation better, I think it is really important that you challenge your mindset about what it means to have emetophobia.
Can you extend some compassion and acceptance towards yourself? Emetophobia is not a character flaw, it is a natural response of your brain to a situation that your brain is mislabelling as dangerous. No body is perfect. This is one of your imperfections. You are working on managing it better but in the meanwhile, can you let doing your best be good enough?
The most important thing is that you are not letting the emetophobia get in the way of being a person who shows up at difficult times and does their best for the comfort and care of those they love. Even if it never gets better, you are still a good parent, spouse, friend to those you care about. (Not perfect, no one is perfect, but good) Yes, you can and should work on how to make this better (for your own sake, you said so far you've been able to manage with little downside for your loved ones) but, please celebrate the virtues that you are manifesting every day, already. You are doing really well coping with a hard situation.
posted by metahawk at 1:27 PM on March 10 [9 favorites]
Can you extend some compassion and acceptance towards yourself? Emetophobia is not a character flaw, it is a natural response of your brain to a situation that your brain is mislabelling as dangerous. No body is perfect. This is one of your imperfections. You are working on managing it better but in the meanwhile, can you let doing your best be good enough?
The most important thing is that you are not letting the emetophobia get in the way of being a person who shows up at difficult times and does their best for the comfort and care of those they love. Even if it never gets better, you are still a good parent, spouse, friend to those you care about. (Not perfect, no one is perfect, but good) Yes, you can and should work on how to make this better (for your own sake, you said so far you've been able to manage with little downside for your loved ones) but, please celebrate the virtues that you are manifesting every day, already. You are doing really well coping with a hard situation.
posted by metahawk at 1:27 PM on March 10 [9 favorites]
Disposable rubber gloves...a cheap disposable bowl of some sort to keep by the patients...doggie or cat pads are.a blessing as they are absorbent. Keep them open by patient...
I thought I was the only one who did not mind cleaning up poop for my brother who has ALS... Several times a day on occasion...But I told him sort of joking to call someone else if he's going to vomit.
One more important thing...Get a spray can of oziom ...which covers and dispels bad odors. I'm really good. Not perfumy...more mint like or menthol. I got mine at Walmart I believe, oddly in the auto dept
posted by Czjewel at 1:57 PM on March 10 [2 favorites]
I thought I was the only one who did not mind cleaning up poop for my brother who has ALS... Several times a day on occasion...But I told him sort of joking to call someone else if he's going to vomit.
One more important thing...Get a spray can of oziom ...which covers and dispels bad odors. I'm really good. Not perfumy...more mint like or menthol. I got mine at Walmart I believe, oddly in the auto dept
posted by Czjewel at 1:57 PM on March 10 [2 favorites]
I need get over this emetophobia, stop doom spiraling, and get with the program.
This aggregate goal is three separate subgoals. They won't necessarily all have the best strategy for dealing with, and dealing with three simultaneous goals by trying to habitualize three separate strategies at once is hard. It's certainly too much for me, maybe for you too.
It sounds to me like the doom spiraling is costing you more distress than either of the other two at present, just because it gets more time to distress you; there doesn't need to be much going on outside for a rumination loop to take hold, so it rapidly gets unmoored from anything outside you and starts chewing on you instead. Emetophobia is a much more limited-time offer, because it will only come on when there's actual vomit or a high likelihood of impending vomit to deal with, which isn't most of the hours in your day.
So in your shoes I'd work at the spiraling first, and the way I'd do that is to make a deliberate goal of noticing when I was doing it, and then practise that positive noticing every time I remembered to. What that practice builds up over time is skill at noticing spirals, and what that skill enables is noticing spirals earlier, which is useful because once you're noticing them early enough to paddle safely back to the edge of your life before getting grabbed by a vortex and tumbled along the bottom of the river, you win.
If you make that your priority, then with a bit of luck you might even find the emetophobia lessens on its own - because you are, as others have pointed out above, getting what amounts to exposure therapy for it whether you wanted to or not. And whether you chose it or not, exposure works. You don't even have to do anything to make it work, it just does.
And I'm not sure what getting with the program means to you, but I'd be willing to bet that doing whatever that is will be shitloads easier if you're not dealing with doom spiralling and emetophobia at the same time.
Best of luck! Phobias are a lot, and anxiety is a worse lot, and I hope you soon find relief from both.
posted by flabdablet at 2:21 PM on March 10 [2 favorites]
This aggregate goal is three separate subgoals. They won't necessarily all have the best strategy for dealing with, and dealing with three simultaneous goals by trying to habitualize three separate strategies at once is hard. It's certainly too much for me, maybe for you too.
It sounds to me like the doom spiraling is costing you more distress than either of the other two at present, just because it gets more time to distress you; there doesn't need to be much going on outside for a rumination loop to take hold, so it rapidly gets unmoored from anything outside you and starts chewing on you instead. Emetophobia is a much more limited-time offer, because it will only come on when there's actual vomit or a high likelihood of impending vomit to deal with, which isn't most of the hours in your day.
So in your shoes I'd work at the spiraling first, and the way I'd do that is to make a deliberate goal of noticing when I was doing it, and then practise that positive noticing every time I remembered to. What that practice builds up over time is skill at noticing spirals, and what that skill enables is noticing spirals earlier, which is useful because once you're noticing them early enough to paddle safely back to the edge of your life before getting grabbed by a vortex and tumbled along the bottom of the river, you win.
If you make that your priority, then with a bit of luck you might even find the emetophobia lessens on its own - because you are, as others have pointed out above, getting what amounts to exposure therapy for it whether you wanted to or not. And whether you chose it or not, exposure works. You don't even have to do anything to make it work, it just does.
And I'm not sure what getting with the program means to you, but I'd be willing to bet that doing whatever that is will be shitloads easier if you're not dealing with doom spiralling and emetophobia at the same time.
Best of luck! Phobias are a lot, and anxiety is a worse lot, and I hope you soon find relief from both.
posted by flabdablet at 2:21 PM on March 10 [2 favorites]
I would also talk to your GP about a couple of months of a daily prescription for a low dose anti-anxiety med, such as Prozac. It can be very useful for OCD/intrusive thought worry. For me at least, a very low dose turned that off like a light. (even years after stopping the drug, that experience has been helpful in moderating that type of anxiety).
posted by mercredi at 2:24 PM on March 10 [2 favorites]
posted by mercredi at 2:24 PM on March 10 [2 favorites]
This may be bad advice (get excited!), but one way to deal with this is through overpreparation. If you have medical preparedness on your side, you may feel more in control. That means stocking Zofran, Emetrol, Alka-Selzter, and Pepto on your person. This gives you not just the illusion of control but also some actual control. This is probably the opposite of what a therapist would suggest but they're not there right now, are they. (Would also recommend an N95 in your pocket for when things get real.)
posted by RJ Reynolds at 2:25 PM on March 10 [1 favorite]
posted by RJ Reynolds at 2:25 PM on March 10 [1 favorite]
This is not necessarily the perfect time, but maybe try a speed run through The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, just onboard as many techniques as you can from there.
I guess I say it's not the perfect time, but maybe it is! Maybe the best way through this is to try to apply some treatment while you are stuck in the situation and so have to use what you learn immediately.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:50 PM on March 10
I guess I say it's not the perfect time, but maybe it is! Maybe the best way through this is to try to apply some treatment while you are stuck in the situation and so have to use what you learn immediately.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:50 PM on March 10
You have my sympathy, I’d be exactly the same way in your situation.
For true ASAP advice that is not healthy long term but which has kicked me into appropriate behaviors short-term: pretend to be a person you respect for their competence and unflappability, or a futuristic nursing robot. Find a sensory input that can short circuit what is happening (assuming you can do so in a way that doesn’t interfere with care tasks)—menthol under the nose or earbuds cranking white noise or opening windows to cold air. Lean hard on people who are willing to help. Take breaks. As soon as you have a few minutes to yourself, play Tetris.
Slightly longer term, can you get in touch with the therapist who helped you before or your main doctor? Either Zofran or an anti anxiety med might help depending on the exact nature of your reactions, or just talking it through and refreshing your coping techniques.
posted by tchemgrrl at 5:32 PM on March 10
For true ASAP advice that is not healthy long term but which has kicked me into appropriate behaviors short-term: pretend to be a person you respect for their competence and unflappability, or a futuristic nursing robot. Find a sensory input that can short circuit what is happening (assuming you can do so in a way that doesn’t interfere with care tasks)—menthol under the nose or earbuds cranking white noise or opening windows to cold air. Lean hard on people who are willing to help. Take breaks. As soon as you have a few minutes to yourself, play Tetris.
Slightly longer term, can you get in touch with the therapist who helped you before or your main doctor? Either Zofran or an anti anxiety med might help depending on the exact nature of your reactions, or just talking it through and refreshing your coping techniques.
posted by tchemgrrl at 5:32 PM on March 10
Definitely gloves! I always double glove so I can remove a pair of soiled gloves and still have “clean” gloves on underneath, if that makes any sense.
posted by kyraU2 at 6:38 PM on March 10
posted by kyraU2 at 6:38 PM on March 10
RJ Reynolds is correct, and a fun bonus is that you can save the day if one of your friends or a bystander or someone is in a tough spot. I've got zofran on my person at all times, and rarely use it, but just knowing it's an option allows me to proceed calmly through most situations.
While the therapy and meds and workbooks etc. (all good suggestions!) are working in the background, you might get some immediate relief by walking through some "if ____, then ____" scenarios and preparing accordingly. Taking care of your particular aversions, whether it's smell/sight/sound/fear of contagion, whatever it may be, is an approach that I've found helpful when dealing with this same phobia.
I also like to repeat "everything is fine" or "I'm fine" in the heat of the moment. It's a grounding counterpart to the phobia thoughts that tend towards EVERYTHING IS HORRIBLE and DESCENT INTO CHAOS and BAD BAD EMERGENCY. Just reminding myself, out loud if necessary, that this is an okay situation even if I'm not having a great time.
posted by knotty knots at 8:41 PM on March 10
While the therapy and meds and workbooks etc. (all good suggestions!) are working in the background, you might get some immediate relief by walking through some "if ____, then ____" scenarios and preparing accordingly. Taking care of your particular aversions, whether it's smell/sight/sound/fear of contagion, whatever it may be, is an approach that I've found helpful when dealing with this same phobia.
I also like to repeat "everything is fine" or "I'm fine" in the heat of the moment. It's a grounding counterpart to the phobia thoughts that tend towards EVERYTHING IS HORRIBLE and DESCENT INTO CHAOS and BAD BAD EMERGENCY. Just reminding myself, out loud if necessary, that this is an okay situation even if I'm not having a great time.
posted by knotty knots at 8:41 PM on March 10
The first thing I am going to suggest is that you adjust your expectations for yourself. A great many pukey illnesses are extremely contagious which means that you are WIRED to skip back and leave the room when somebody starts spewing. People do learn to override this instinct especially when they know they are not dealing with a contagious illness, but a couple of million of your ancestors survived only because, when a member of their tribe threw up what they had last eaten, your ancestor skipped smartly out of range, may have thrown up their own meal purely out of sympathy, and then never went back to the location where the puke puddle was drying out, and neither ate or drank anything until they were three kilometers away. That's adaptive. Ever hear of cholera?
Sympathetic vomiting is a thing, equally adaptive. If six people eat the same meal, and one person comes down with vomiting, there is no harm whatsoever if the other five start feeling queasy. In circumstances where food poisoning is involved, they will definitely benefit from puking themselves as soon and as thoroughly as possible.
Meanwhile you have personal trauma. It was long traditional to keep kids out of sickrooms. They were not allowed to visit the hospital. A great many of them were traumatized when someone went away, lingered and then died, and the child never got to see their loved adult again. Perhaps your family wanted to spare you that particular lingering sense of loss and betrayal. Or perhaps the logistics were such that they needed you to help, or couldn't do the nursing without you seeing it. Or maybe that the loved adult really wanted to see you, and it was thought that your presence would increase their chances of surviving or make them less lonely while they were going through the isolating experience of dying. So you picked up emetophobia, which, as I said, is very easy to pick up.
You buried the lede: "...The vomiting could also indicate a complication..." This is your parent you are talking about. One who is having a super miserable experience, and might perhaps be in even worse shape than everyone was hoping. Seeing a parent horribly sick is terrifying and devastating. Of course you are freaking out internally. Your internal one year old is SCREAMING right now, OhnoohnoDaddysicknobodybighhelpmenowever. Mommygoingtodie ImgoingtobealonestarvenotoysImgoingtodie! And your internal early childhood self is screaming now because you had to be good child then and not fuss then, but it was too much and too hard, so when you see someone vomit you immediately feel the same way that it is too much and too hard. The smell of, or sound of the vomiting produced the exactly same feeling, that you were enduring an intolerable experience.
So what did you do? You skipped out of the room, where you were not going to be any use at the moment - it doesn't take two people to clean up vomit, often the second one is superfluous and gets in the way, making it more complicated. You left another responsible adult to deal, and went away privately to deal with your own emotional storm where you would NOT be a burden on the pukey parent. They didn't have to deal with you puking, or crying, or hyperventilating and howling. You came back when you got control of yourself. And you are now looking for help to deal with their next bout of vomiting better. I see nothing wrong with the way you handled the situation, and I anticipate that you will figure out how to be more useful and supportive in future when someone is puking.
Many people funk their first experience under fire. I mean many. The majority of them then return and the next time they do much better. Even people with PTSD usually manage to deal when they have to go through a situation that retraumatizes them. You have already asked for help doing this, so I feel you are motivated, not in denial and ready to learn how to come back.
The next time your parent pukes, you need to dash out of the room, grab the paper towel and some rubber gloves, come back and thrust them at whatever responsible adult is helping on site. Then retreat again. Go make tea for the person who is helping in the sick room.
The time after that, be the person who carries the puke basin/trash bag away, as well as being the one who fetches the paper towel. Tissue to wipe their mouth, or a glass of water to rinse it when they are ready to could also be useful.
Just figure out how to be useful to the best of your ability whenever someone pukes. Sometimes the most useful thing someone can do is remove themself from the situation and provide accessory services. If, when your kids puke, you automatically leave your husband to deal with it, and go finish preparing the supper he was making when the littlest one got sick, put the eldest one to bed and then be the one who drives to the store at eleven PM to pick up children's gravol, you will not be failing your family. If you sit up with the sleeping sick one making sure they are in recovery position, and give your partner a chance to take a shower you are helping. You can be a good caretaker and parent and partner while not ever actually handling puke yourself, if you happen to be one of those people who can't be in the room where there is puke - including your own - without adding to the amount of puke. You do not actually definitely have to get down and dirty when someone pukes. It would be good for you to learn to do this, and I strongly suspect you can and will learn to do it, but some people just can't become entirely inured to puke. You had an ancestor who could not, and they were a sole survivor as a result.
Some really good loving parents have dealt with a child's pukey bed by letting the kid sleep in their room for the next two weeks, then going in there one day with a big trash bag, bundling up all of the bedding that is full of almost completely dried out yuck, along with some that was untouched and throwing out the lot. They dealt and their kid wasn't traumatized. You don't have to learn to be indifferent to puke. You have to figure out what you can do and do that. With small kids, first keep them from choking, then get any beloved stuffies or security blankets out of the line of fire. Your kid won't mind if you end up replacing their mattress, but will need you to find a way to salvage Mr. Fluffymouse.
Seriously tho, you said you had early childhood trauma. So of course you reacted strongly because of that. You have been set up to find it all harder than the average person. And it IS hard for the average person. Cut yourself some slack and look at your buried lede when you are up to it. You are suddenly now very scared for your parent. You'll need to deal with that not just with the emetophobia. You'll do better if you can deal with them separately.
This is not like the case of the little kid who suddenly puked carrots all over the kitchen floor, looked down in surprise and announced, "I'm going to need more carrots," where you get to clean up the mess while chuckling over the little darling. This is scary and serious, on top of being revolting, smelly, sloppy and filthy. Potential complications too? Of course you funked it. But funking it is completely normal and natural and appropriate. You didn't do anything wrong. You're just not as invulnerable as you hoped to be.
You have my sympathy for the rough time you are going through and the really rough time you went through in the past. But you are strong, you are intelligent and you are motivated, and you got this. And next time you won't be taken by surprise by the intensity of your own reaction.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:11 AM on March 11 [1 favorite]
Sympathetic vomiting is a thing, equally adaptive. If six people eat the same meal, and one person comes down with vomiting, there is no harm whatsoever if the other five start feeling queasy. In circumstances where food poisoning is involved, they will definitely benefit from puking themselves as soon and as thoroughly as possible.
Meanwhile you have personal trauma. It was long traditional to keep kids out of sickrooms. They were not allowed to visit the hospital. A great many of them were traumatized when someone went away, lingered and then died, and the child never got to see their loved adult again. Perhaps your family wanted to spare you that particular lingering sense of loss and betrayal. Or perhaps the logistics were such that they needed you to help, or couldn't do the nursing without you seeing it. Or maybe that the loved adult really wanted to see you, and it was thought that your presence would increase their chances of surviving or make them less lonely while they were going through the isolating experience of dying. So you picked up emetophobia, which, as I said, is very easy to pick up.
You buried the lede: "...The vomiting could also indicate a complication..." This is your parent you are talking about. One who is having a super miserable experience, and might perhaps be in even worse shape than everyone was hoping. Seeing a parent horribly sick is terrifying and devastating. Of course you are freaking out internally. Your internal one year old is SCREAMING right now, OhnoohnoDaddysicknobodybighhelpmenowever. Mommygoingtodie ImgoingtobealonestarvenotoysImgoingtodie! And your internal early childhood self is screaming now because you had to be good child then and not fuss then, but it was too much and too hard, so when you see someone vomit you immediately feel the same way that it is too much and too hard. The smell of, or sound of the vomiting produced the exactly same feeling, that you were enduring an intolerable experience.
So what did you do? You skipped out of the room, where you were not going to be any use at the moment - it doesn't take two people to clean up vomit, often the second one is superfluous and gets in the way, making it more complicated. You left another responsible adult to deal, and went away privately to deal with your own emotional storm where you would NOT be a burden on the pukey parent. They didn't have to deal with you puking, or crying, or hyperventilating and howling. You came back when you got control of yourself. And you are now looking for help to deal with their next bout of vomiting better. I see nothing wrong with the way you handled the situation, and I anticipate that you will figure out how to be more useful and supportive in future when someone is puking.
Many people funk their first experience under fire. I mean many. The majority of them then return and the next time they do much better. Even people with PTSD usually manage to deal when they have to go through a situation that retraumatizes them. You have already asked for help doing this, so I feel you are motivated, not in denial and ready to learn how to come back.
The next time your parent pukes, you need to dash out of the room, grab the paper towel and some rubber gloves, come back and thrust them at whatever responsible adult is helping on site. Then retreat again. Go make tea for the person who is helping in the sick room.
The time after that, be the person who carries the puke basin/trash bag away, as well as being the one who fetches the paper towel. Tissue to wipe their mouth, or a glass of water to rinse it when they are ready to could also be useful.
Just figure out how to be useful to the best of your ability whenever someone pukes. Sometimes the most useful thing someone can do is remove themself from the situation and provide accessory services. If, when your kids puke, you automatically leave your husband to deal with it, and go finish preparing the supper he was making when the littlest one got sick, put the eldest one to bed and then be the one who drives to the store at eleven PM to pick up children's gravol, you will not be failing your family. If you sit up with the sleeping sick one making sure they are in recovery position, and give your partner a chance to take a shower you are helping. You can be a good caretaker and parent and partner while not ever actually handling puke yourself, if you happen to be one of those people who can't be in the room where there is puke - including your own - without adding to the amount of puke. You do not actually definitely have to get down and dirty when someone pukes. It would be good for you to learn to do this, and I strongly suspect you can and will learn to do it, but some people just can't become entirely inured to puke. You had an ancestor who could not, and they were a sole survivor as a result.
Some really good loving parents have dealt with a child's pukey bed by letting the kid sleep in their room for the next two weeks, then going in there one day with a big trash bag, bundling up all of the bedding that is full of almost completely dried out yuck, along with some that was untouched and throwing out the lot. They dealt and their kid wasn't traumatized. You don't have to learn to be indifferent to puke. You have to figure out what you can do and do that. With small kids, first keep them from choking, then get any beloved stuffies or security blankets out of the line of fire. Your kid won't mind if you end up replacing their mattress, but will need you to find a way to salvage Mr. Fluffymouse.
Seriously tho, you said you had early childhood trauma. So of course you reacted strongly because of that. You have been set up to find it all harder than the average person. And it IS hard for the average person. Cut yourself some slack and look at your buried lede when you are up to it. You are suddenly now very scared for your parent. You'll need to deal with that not just with the emetophobia. You'll do better if you can deal with them separately.
This is not like the case of the little kid who suddenly puked carrots all over the kitchen floor, looked down in surprise and announced, "I'm going to need more carrots," where you get to clean up the mess while chuckling over the little darling. This is scary and serious, on top of being revolting, smelly, sloppy and filthy. Potential complications too? Of course you funked it. But funking it is completely normal and natural and appropriate. You didn't do anything wrong. You're just not as invulnerable as you hoped to be.
You have my sympathy for the rough time you are going through and the really rough time you went through in the past. But you are strong, you are intelligent and you are motivated, and you got this. And next time you won't be taken by surprise by the intensity of your own reaction.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:11 AM on March 11 [1 favorite]
Vicks vaporub dabbed. under the nose is something of a shock to your system and supremely distracting, which might help you slow the response in the very early stages before you reach the freak out stage.
Disposable bags the person can easily use so you can reduce the visual and dispense with clean up. Ditto Lysol wipes and disposable gloves.
Don't be afraid to trash things if you need to - throw the pillow case *out* rather than try to clean it.
Scented candles or incense in any room where you can get away with it without distressing the patient will help your senses reconfigure and maybe help your brain jump ahead to "focusing on a different thing now."
I know we all want to be environmentally responsible but sometimes we all prioritize something else urgent and being around a sick person you need to functionally care for is perhaps one of those times.
Sympathies, and you're taking very good care of your parent because you are a) there and b) there despite your own personal distress because you want to be of service.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:47 PM on March 11
Disposable bags the person can easily use so you can reduce the visual and dispense with clean up. Ditto Lysol wipes and disposable gloves.
Don't be afraid to trash things if you need to - throw the pillow case *out* rather than try to clean it.
Scented candles or incense in any room where you can get away with it without distressing the patient will help your senses reconfigure and maybe help your brain jump ahead to "focusing on a different thing now."
I know we all want to be environmentally responsible but sometimes we all prioritize something else urgent and being around a sick person you need to functionally care for is perhaps one of those times.
Sympathies, and you're taking very good care of your parent because you are a) there and b) there despite your own personal distress because you want to be of service.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:47 PM on March 11
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posted by BlahLaLa at 10:54 AM on March 10 [3 favorites]