How do you support your kid's relationships with family?
March 8, 2025 11:11 AM Subscribe
How do you support your kid's relationships with family?
I want to help my kids have better relationships with extended family. Right now we have family in our area, but my kids are the only grandkids so they only ones that are in the kid/teen stage of life so it can be a challenge when we get together. Probably a challenge is that now my kids aren't toddlers and therefore not "cute" or indiscriminately affectionate.
Things we have tried
Inviting people to events (movies, putt-putt) with us. This was fine, but due to age and some family expectations we were often paying and we can't continue doing that.
Inviting people to our house. Fine, but our house is very small and not nearby enough to be worthwhile I guess. They also can't bring their pets to my house which is a whole 'nother thing.
Inviting people to kid events (sports, etc). Fine, but they often don't come. Or I have to invite them, then remind them. Or when they do come they don't engage with my kids, so kid doesn't even know they were present.
My Kids at other people's houses (grandparents, aunts, uncles) I guess maybe I need to better at inviting us over to other people's houses? But that seems weird? Again, we sometimes have this happen, like maybe once a month we ask for grandparents to watch the kids for an hour or so but we often come over to find that they haven't engaged with each other at all. Actual quote, "When your kids come over we never see them" or "We haven't talked to them" when they've been at the house two hours, or with other family, they do talk to my kids and mostly argue about things with them.
Other things we've tried to do has been encourage them to have conversations with each other, but my goodness it is a lot of organize a dinner or event, then help drive the conversation, etc. We try to encourage kids to have periods of time not being on devices, but if no one is talking or engaging with them positively it is hard to make that a rule.
Maybe none of this is a problem, but I feel like I learned a lot from my older relatives. I spent a fair amount of time with extended family when I was younger and it gave me a lot of different perspectives about life and at this point, I feel like my extended family doesn't really know my kids that well. It just seems sad especially since they are close and could chose to engage with them more. We also, selfishly, could just use more social support and we are not at a point where I feel we can ask for anything else based on current engagement.
I want to help my kids have better relationships with extended family. Right now we have family in our area, but my kids are the only grandkids so they only ones that are in the kid/teen stage of life so it can be a challenge when we get together. Probably a challenge is that now my kids aren't toddlers and therefore not "cute" or indiscriminately affectionate.
Things we have tried
Inviting people to events (movies, putt-putt) with us. This was fine, but due to age and some family expectations we were often paying and we can't continue doing that.
Inviting people to our house. Fine, but our house is very small and not nearby enough to be worthwhile I guess. They also can't bring their pets to my house which is a whole 'nother thing.
Inviting people to kid events (sports, etc). Fine, but they often don't come. Or I have to invite them, then remind them. Or when they do come they don't engage with my kids, so kid doesn't even know they were present.
My Kids at other people's houses (grandparents, aunts, uncles) I guess maybe I need to better at inviting us over to other people's houses? But that seems weird? Again, we sometimes have this happen, like maybe once a month we ask for grandparents to watch the kids for an hour or so but we often come over to find that they haven't engaged with each other at all. Actual quote, "When your kids come over we never see them" or "We haven't talked to them" when they've been at the house two hours, or with other family, they do talk to my kids and mostly argue about things with them.
Other things we've tried to do has been encourage them to have conversations with each other, but my goodness it is a lot of organize a dinner or event, then help drive the conversation, etc. We try to encourage kids to have periods of time not being on devices, but if no one is talking or engaging with them positively it is hard to make that a rule.
Maybe none of this is a problem, but I feel like I learned a lot from my older relatives. I spent a fair amount of time with extended family when I was younger and it gave me a lot of different perspectives about life and at this point, I feel like my extended family doesn't really know my kids that well. It just seems sad especially since they are close and could chose to engage with them more. We also, selfishly, could just use more social support and we are not at a point where I feel we can ask for anything else based on current engagement.
When I was a teen, I used to do odd jobs for my aunt and uncle who lived in the same town. Help build a stone wall, babysit, some lawn care. It was a good way for me to spend some time with them without my parents around, so we had to converse independently. It was helpful that we had a task to talk about, rather than the typical small talk you have to navigate at social gatherings. It was good for our relationship at the time.
posted by hovey at 11:32 AM on March 8 [10 favorites]
posted by hovey at 11:32 AM on March 8 [10 favorites]
I feel like this is what cookouts are for. Everyone has a task according to their ability, folks enjoy good food and exchange family recipes, they can invite friends to pop by for part of it, and it can happen somewhere like a public park with reservable grills or someone’s big yard so there is little cleanup.
Maybe you could aim to do a cookout or something adjacent to one (like making dumplings for everyone to take home and freeze, or kimchi, or a seafood boil, or just a simple potluck, whatever makes sense for your culture and family) every few months, like seasonally. People will make plans to fill in the time between in smaller groups, and you can invite them to kid events as well.
I think it does sound like your kids are at ages and energy levels where you’ve got to be present for them while they are with other family, so maybe your responsibility during the cookouts would be primarily child watching, or maybe your family members would prefer to be on point for that while you are around just in case - they need the confidence boost - and would appreciate not being in charge of a food task.
Assuming you’re in the northern hemisphere the weather is warming up and you can usually reserve park space on local government websites for stuff like cookouts and picnics way ahead of time, so check that out now. Maybe there is a good central location for your family? Near me are a couple extremely popular beaches with covered grill stations and fire pits, and a bunch of simple green space parks with small play structures and picnic tables. There is usually at least one birthday party or cookout or group hang happening at these most days from spring to fall.
posted by Mizu at 11:43 AM on March 8 [5 favorites]
Maybe you could aim to do a cookout or something adjacent to one (like making dumplings for everyone to take home and freeze, or kimchi, or a seafood boil, or just a simple potluck, whatever makes sense for your culture and family) every few months, like seasonally. People will make plans to fill in the time between in smaller groups, and you can invite them to kid events as well.
I think it does sound like your kids are at ages and energy levels where you’ve got to be present for them while they are with other family, so maybe your responsibility during the cookouts would be primarily child watching, or maybe your family members would prefer to be on point for that while you are around just in case - they need the confidence boost - and would appreciate not being in charge of a food task.
Assuming you’re in the northern hemisphere the weather is warming up and you can usually reserve park space on local government websites for stuff like cookouts and picnics way ahead of time, so check that out now. Maybe there is a good central location for your family? Near me are a couple extremely popular beaches with covered grill stations and fire pits, and a bunch of simple green space parks with small play structures and picnic tables. There is usually at least one birthday party or cookout or group hang happening at these most days from spring to fall.
posted by Mizu at 11:43 AM on March 8 [5 favorites]
(grandparents, aunts, uncles) [...] we sometimes have this happen, like maybe once a month we ask for grandparents to watch the kids for an hour or so but we often come over to find that they haven't engaged with each other at all. Actual quote, "When your kids come over we never see them" or "We haven't talked to them" when they've been at the house two hours, or with other family, they do talk to my kids and mostly argue about things with them.
Are all these parents and siblings not actually good with kids, in general? Or especially interested in them?
I would try talking about it with them. (You don't say if you have a partner, but if so then depending on family dynamics you'll have to think about who talks with whom and how...)
Your (and/or your partner's) parents might be in a better position to understand what having an actual relationship with your kids could mean for them, and they might also care more about how much this would mean to you and about you wanting more social support in general. Plus, they're getting old. Are they okay with not building any connections to the younger generation? Because now is the time.
Your siblings might still be in a stage of life where they don't feel like they need more connection. But if you have a good relationship with them, maybe they'd do it for your sake?
If they all do want to connect but just really do not know how to interact with kids, then talk with them about that, help them unpack it, figure out ways together to get over the hump. They need to understand that it's a process - just like you can't go up to another adult and instantly become friends. It's something you build together.
If the grandparents feel rejected by the kids in favor of technology, then that's something to talk about too (surely their own kids escaped into TV or books often enough, without them feeling offended). But it's also worth thinking about strategically, in terms of attractive alternative activities they can do together, without explicitly forcing the kids to interact with the adults.
I don't know what they're all arguing about, but sounds like that's something to work through too.
Finally, if these family members are just not the right people for this, that doesn't mean that your kids can't be exposed to older people. Whether it's family friends, or your own older friends, or neighbors or people they meet through volunteering or social events - there are a lot of people out there who would see the chance to spend time with your kids as a gift.
posted by trig at 11:44 AM on March 8 [1 favorite]
Are all these parents and siblings not actually good with kids, in general? Or especially interested in them?
I would try talking about it with them. (You don't say if you have a partner, but if so then depending on family dynamics you'll have to think about who talks with whom and how...)
Your (and/or your partner's) parents might be in a better position to understand what having an actual relationship with your kids could mean for them, and they might also care more about how much this would mean to you and about you wanting more social support in general. Plus, they're getting old. Are they okay with not building any connections to the younger generation? Because now is the time.
Your siblings might still be in a stage of life where they don't feel like they need more connection. But if you have a good relationship with them, maybe they'd do it for your sake?
If they all do want to connect but just really do not know how to interact with kids, then talk with them about that, help them unpack it, figure out ways together to get over the hump. They need to understand that it's a process - just like you can't go up to another adult and instantly become friends. It's something you build together.
If the grandparents feel rejected by the kids in favor of technology, then that's something to talk about too (surely their own kids escaped into TV or books often enough, without them feeling offended). But it's also worth thinking about strategically, in terms of attractive alternative activities they can do together, without explicitly forcing the kids to interact with the adults.
I don't know what they're all arguing about, but sounds like that's something to work through too.
Finally, if these family members are just not the right people for this, that doesn't mean that your kids can't be exposed to older people. Whether it's family friends, or your own older friends, or neighbors or people they meet through volunteering or social events - there are a lot of people out there who would see the chance to spend time with your kids as a gift.
posted by trig at 11:44 AM on March 8 [1 favorite]
What activities do your extended family do? Maybe seeing if your kids would join them at those would work better. My parents go to shows and my kids go along. My grandmother played bingo, a game I hate but I still went on Thursdays when we were there.
I do think this is one of those things that screens/chat/Discord/social media have impacted. My kids are kind of low key constantly connected to their friends so it’s a bit harder to get them to disengage with that and focus on family. For us we do just pay for family activities (but find low key ones like “get ice cream near the farmers’ market”).
We also do the “go help grandpa with his yard work” and cookout/beach time.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:52 AM on March 8 [2 favorites]
I do think this is one of those things that screens/chat/Discord/social media have impacted. My kids are kind of low key constantly connected to their friends so it’s a bit harder to get them to disengage with that and focus on family. For us we do just pay for family activities (but find low key ones like “get ice cream near the farmers’ market”).
We also do the “go help grandpa with his yard work” and cookout/beach time.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:52 AM on March 8 [2 favorites]
In the comment I wrote I put most of the responsibility on the adults, and I stand by that. But I also agree with the idea of working to teach the kids a "what can we do for [grandparents, other people]" approach. It's normal for kids to see adults either as people who supply them with something nice and therefore deserve attention, or as people who don't and can therefore be ignored. Learning to do the JFK thing and think not about what someone can do for you but what you can do for them, and to identify and care about their perspective and feelings, is an important part of growing up. (And hopefully, if the adults in question are good and interesting people who just happen to have poor social skills with kids, it'll turn out to be rewarding in the ways you describe.)
posted by trig at 12:23 PM on March 8 [2 favorites]
posted by trig at 12:23 PM on March 8 [2 favorites]
The only thing I can think of* that I don't think is on this list is meeting up with people at a park for a picnic or cookout on a nice day. That circumvents the cost and the small house vs. inviting-yourselves-over pieces, and there are lots of low-barrier-to-entry activities that people of different ages can do. Possibly the high-priority pets could come.
Also just offering solidarity and echoing the radical acceptance piece regarding the quality of the interactions, logistics aside. I have very little family and what family is left is really not great at attuning to my kid and it's a real bummer and makes me feel like I'm failing my kid even though it's out of my control. But it is. These are people that also can't attune to me either, or to anyone, really. I don't know how much I'm projecting onto your situation--it sounds similar in that I've found that adults who are dispositionally inclined to engage with my kid as a person just.. do it, because they want to, no heavy lifting or prompting on my part required. (There is some truth to one of the internet's prized pieces of advice, i.e., if they wanted to, they would.) If I'm reading between the lines correctly, you're running up against social skills/emotional intelligence/personality factors that are beyond your power to change in other adults and will exhaust you to continue to try to unilaterally manage. And your kids would not be wrong to be uninspired to seek closeness based on their accurate read on that situation.
It sucks, it's sad, it hurts, and it's disappointing to see how easily it could be otherwise. I've done some grieving, and I try to invest in relationships with family friends and community that broaden our connection horizons.
*Editing to add: This is more of a one-off, but another idea is for your kids to record structured interviews with family members. People often love to talk about themselves, the kids might learn some unexpected things, and it's cool to have that kind of stuff on down the line.
posted by wormtales at 12:32 PM on March 8 [1 favorite]
Also just offering solidarity and echoing the radical acceptance piece regarding the quality of the interactions, logistics aside. I have very little family and what family is left is really not great at attuning to my kid and it's a real bummer and makes me feel like I'm failing my kid even though it's out of my control. But it is. These are people that also can't attune to me either, or to anyone, really. I don't know how much I'm projecting onto your situation--it sounds similar in that I've found that adults who are dispositionally inclined to engage with my kid as a person just.. do it, because they want to, no heavy lifting or prompting on my part required. (There is some truth to one of the internet's prized pieces of advice, i.e., if they wanted to, they would.) If I'm reading between the lines correctly, you're running up against social skills/emotional intelligence/personality factors that are beyond your power to change in other adults and will exhaust you to continue to try to unilaterally manage. And your kids would not be wrong to be uninspired to seek closeness based on their accurate read on that situation.
It sucks, it's sad, it hurts, and it's disappointing to see how easily it could be otherwise. I've done some grieving, and I try to invest in relationships with family friends and community that broaden our connection horizons.
*Editing to add: This is more of a one-off, but another idea is for your kids to record structured interviews with family members. People often love to talk about themselves, the kids might learn some unexpected things, and it's cool to have that kind of stuff on down the line.
posted by wormtales at 12:32 PM on March 8 [1 favorite]
This is a lot what it is like in my family. I think some of this, at least for me, maybe for you, is a process of just accepting that your family members may not provide for your kids what older relatives provided for you. It's hard and sad to accept that, but no longer expecting what my family is not willing to give has been positive. When you are not trying to get them to all play roles in the show in your mind of what their relationship SHOULD be (what you want it to be), then you put less pressure on the relationship as it is. I don't say this in any level of a criticism. I literally work on this issue in therapy, regularly.
Beyond that, one thing we do is try for short visits. If we are closer to their house, we may stop by just to say hi. On Halloween, our last stop is the grandparents' house and they give my kid most of the candy they have left from trick or treaters. We are there for 20 mins max. Card games can be a good one for grandparents, or chess/checkers. Stop by, have a drink, have a grandparent play gin rummy or checkers with kid. Let granddad teach them poker. But short visits keeps everyone engaged with each other, and then we leave. Longer visits end up much as you outline with adults talking to each other and kids on devices.
Similarly and speaking of devices, honestly, my kid loves to play Candy Crush with my Mom. Just a small thing, being on the device can actually be used as a positive. Maybe you can talk to both sides and encourage a grandparent to give a mobile game a try with kid as a bonding thing, and encourage kid to find a grandparent-friendly mobile game to play. 20 minutes!
My parents are great grantparents in many ways, part of my job is to let them be who they are and not expect them to be my grandparents or even just be what I want. One thing my parents do really well, actually, is just let people be who they are without pressuring them to be someone else. So I try to give that back.
posted by fennario at 1:10 PM on March 8 [1 favorite]
Beyond that, one thing we do is try for short visits. If we are closer to their house, we may stop by just to say hi. On Halloween, our last stop is the grandparents' house and they give my kid most of the candy they have left from trick or treaters. We are there for 20 mins max. Card games can be a good one for grandparents, or chess/checkers. Stop by, have a drink, have a grandparent play gin rummy or checkers with kid. Let granddad teach them poker. But short visits keeps everyone engaged with each other, and then we leave. Longer visits end up much as you outline with adults talking to each other and kids on devices.
Similarly and speaking of devices, honestly, my kid loves to play Candy Crush with my Mom. Just a small thing, being on the device can actually be used as a positive. Maybe you can talk to both sides and encourage a grandparent to give a mobile game a try with kid as a bonding thing, and encourage kid to find a grandparent-friendly mobile game to play. 20 minutes!
My parents are great grantparents in many ways, part of my job is to let them be who they are and not expect them to be my grandparents or even just be what I want. One thing my parents do really well, actually, is just let people be who they are without pressuring them to be someone else. So I try to give that back.
posted by fennario at 1:10 PM on March 8 [1 favorite]
I think that this is just the way your relatives are. My mom would call the house and my daughter would pick up and she'd talk for literally 20 minutes, then hand it to her brother who would talk for 5-7 minutes then to the other one who was 5 minutes tops. Often, until they called me to pick up, I did not know my mom had been on the phone for a half hour. On the other hand, my parents were divorced and my father could not hold a conversation with my kids for more than 2 minutes each.
My mom got more information out of the kids than I did. I would often ask her what they said. Once, I asked her what her secret was. Her response was that I ask them a specific question to start and then I listen. I follow up based on what they answered. So, instead of, "What did you do today?" "Nothing." She would ask, "Did you have a soccer game today?" "Yes, gran, we won!" "What position do you play?" "Goalie" "How many saves did you make today?" As they got older, she would ask things like, "Did you see that the singer, what's her name, Swiftie?, has a new song?" "I don't like Taylor Swift, but I do like my dad's music. He plays the Grateful Dead all day long." "Oh, let me tell you a story about your dad and the Grateful Dead when he was just a little bit older than you are now." "Yeah, yeah. Tell me a story about dad." It helped that she would look through the paper and try to see what might be popular with kids nowadays. She was also a big baseball fan (Her father, my grandfather was a HUGE baseball fan.) She could read a box score and then say, "Did you see the Yankees won in the bottom of the 9th yesterday?" She WANTED to talk to them and learn about what they were really up to. She lived a 10 hour car ride away. She loved when we would drive down and I would drop the kids with her for a few days.
My father on the other hand, while I do think he had interest in their lives, did not know how or what to say to them. "How are you doing?" "Good" "What are you doing?" "Nothing". "Is it hard to do nothing?" "Yes". Then he would say, "Let me speak to your sister/brother" He was awkward around them.
As for your parents complaining that they never talk to them when they are at their house for an hour or two, I think to some extent that is the vibe your parents give off and on your kids. I would tell my kids, no video, no running to the other side of the house until you have sat down and talk to Grandma or Grandpa for 20 minutes. I would suggest they ask their grandparents to tell them stories about you when you were their age. Or ask their grandparents what was the coolest invention in their lifetimes type thing. Get their grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins talking about themselves or about their experiences. Then listen.
My kids also knew that when they stayed with their grandma, it was her rules, not mine but that as soon as they came home they needed to revert back to our rules. They would come home telling us they had opposite day. We had milkshake's for breakfast and eggs for dinner. Gran let us go to the grocery store and pick out one item of whatever we wanted!! Grandma was having fun and without intending it, buying their loyalty and devotion. They still talk about staying with gran when they were around 10 and they are around 30 now.
It depends on the relative and their desire to engage. My kids hardly knew my dad. Gosh, I learned a lot about my dad when I got older and had kids. He was not the most engaged person when I was little. But, I learned why and understood some of his awkward gestures. He did not change with my kids. You could tell your parents when you drop the kids off that Mary had an art class this morning, Jack had a t-ball game, and Jill was fetching a pail of water all morning. Give them something to ask about. But, you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make them drink.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 1:33 PM on March 8 [4 favorites]
My mom got more information out of the kids than I did. I would often ask her what they said. Once, I asked her what her secret was. Her response was that I ask them a specific question to start and then I listen. I follow up based on what they answered. So, instead of, "What did you do today?" "Nothing." She would ask, "Did you have a soccer game today?" "Yes, gran, we won!" "What position do you play?" "Goalie" "How many saves did you make today?" As they got older, she would ask things like, "Did you see that the singer, what's her name, Swiftie?, has a new song?" "I don't like Taylor Swift, but I do like my dad's music. He plays the Grateful Dead all day long." "Oh, let me tell you a story about your dad and the Grateful Dead when he was just a little bit older than you are now." "Yeah, yeah. Tell me a story about dad." It helped that she would look through the paper and try to see what might be popular with kids nowadays. She was also a big baseball fan (Her father, my grandfather was a HUGE baseball fan.) She could read a box score and then say, "Did you see the Yankees won in the bottom of the 9th yesterday?" She WANTED to talk to them and learn about what they were really up to. She lived a 10 hour car ride away. She loved when we would drive down and I would drop the kids with her for a few days.
My father on the other hand, while I do think he had interest in their lives, did not know how or what to say to them. "How are you doing?" "Good" "What are you doing?" "Nothing". "Is it hard to do nothing?" "Yes". Then he would say, "Let me speak to your sister/brother" He was awkward around them.
As for your parents complaining that they never talk to them when they are at their house for an hour or two, I think to some extent that is the vibe your parents give off and on your kids. I would tell my kids, no video, no running to the other side of the house until you have sat down and talk to Grandma or Grandpa for 20 minutes. I would suggest they ask their grandparents to tell them stories about you when you were their age. Or ask their grandparents what was the coolest invention in their lifetimes type thing. Get their grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins talking about themselves or about their experiences. Then listen.
My kids also knew that when they stayed with their grandma, it was her rules, not mine but that as soon as they came home they needed to revert back to our rules. They would come home telling us they had opposite day. We had milkshake's for breakfast and eggs for dinner. Gran let us go to the grocery store and pick out one item of whatever we wanted!! Grandma was having fun and without intending it, buying their loyalty and devotion. They still talk about staying with gran when they were around 10 and they are around 30 now.
It depends on the relative and their desire to engage. My kids hardly knew my dad. Gosh, I learned a lot about my dad when I got older and had kids. He was not the most engaged person when I was little. But, I learned why and understood some of his awkward gestures. He did not change with my kids. You could tell your parents when you drop the kids off that Mary had an art class this morning, Jack had a t-ball game, and Jill was fetching a pail of water all morning. Give them something to ask about. But, you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make them drink.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 1:33 PM on March 8 [4 favorites]
My family has tried and succeeded and failed at this in various ways. Over time, the elders and the kids in our pretty small family have had more fruitful interaction periods, as well as more fallow times. From my perspective, the kids' ages, preferences, attitudes, and lives played as big of a role as the adults. I wonder if your kids have any interest in connecting with the adults, and if they do, how do they show it? Do they know interesting things about the adults or feel they can ask questions? See things in their lives that are intriguing or even open to them at all? And on the flip, are the adults opening up to the kids, giving them an opportunity to know them and/or be in their presence comfortably? Trying to do things the kids would specifically be interested in sharing with them? It takes both sides to build relationships.
In our family, board games/card games/puzzle activities done together have been a reliable thing. This type of structured hang has been the most consistent and satisfying for everyone across the years. Outside of this, things that worked sometimes but not others included -- drafting the kids into service for the elders (help grandma repaint the kitchen), elders giving the kids lessons (art, music), sending the kids on a field trip with an elder (museum, hike, nature center), drop off the kids with elders for caretaking for long stretches and see what happens. To me, a person in between generations but without kids, it seemed like bridging the gap between the kids and elders was near impossible without deliberate facilitation during certain eras.
In general, the kids were more interested in the elders when they were little, but as they got older and had their own interests, hobbies, and internal lives, they wanted to spend less time with them. The elders were hurt by this and felt rejected, and they stopped trying as much. Some family events/activities worked, but there were significantly less of them while the kids were in high school. It has all been much different than the elders' relationships with their elders or even my middle generation's relationship with the older folks. We're all just figuring it out day by day. Good luck!
posted by luzdeluna at 2:28 PM on March 8 [1 favorite]
In our family, board games/card games/puzzle activities done together have been a reliable thing. This type of structured hang has been the most consistent and satisfying for everyone across the years. Outside of this, things that worked sometimes but not others included -- drafting the kids into service for the elders (help grandma repaint the kitchen), elders giving the kids lessons (art, music), sending the kids on a field trip with an elder (museum, hike, nature center), drop off the kids with elders for caretaking for long stretches and see what happens. To me, a person in between generations but without kids, it seemed like bridging the gap between the kids and elders was near impossible without deliberate facilitation during certain eras.
In general, the kids were more interested in the elders when they were little, but as they got older and had their own interests, hobbies, and internal lives, they wanted to spend less time with them. The elders were hurt by this and felt rejected, and they stopped trying as much. Some family events/activities worked, but there were significantly less of them while the kids were in high school. It has all been much different than the elders' relationships with their elders or even my middle generation's relationship with the older folks. We're all just figuring it out day by day. Good luck!
posted by luzdeluna at 2:28 PM on March 8 [1 favorite]
We also, selfishly, could just use more social support and we are not at a point where I feel we can ask for anything else based on current engagement
I saw this statement toward the end of your question and wondered if some of this lack of support (about which it is absolutely okay to be selfish!) could be resolved through the involvement of a few of your friends, especially those who you know are trusted by and good with your kids, being a bigger part of your family’s life.
I am a friend like this for some friends with kids whose extended families are either very far away or are distant in other ways, and just in the process of keeping in touch over the years, I have developed some really delightful relationships with my friends’ kids.
In one case the relationship came about for as simple a reason as me and my friend finding ourselves chatting more often once we both got smartphones, us realizing we were going to be able to meet up more, and then me being invited to join them and their kids for outings, dinner at their house, that kind of thing.
Another friend’s kids and I send each other cards and letters after one of the kids mentioned how much they loved getting mail, and when we’re all near each other, we plan a day together with their parents. Recently I needed to travel to their area for some slightly stressful bureaucracy on a weekend, and once I told my friend I’d be nearby, my friend and his kid cleared their day so they could drive me around, get lunch with me, and save me a ton of time on my errands. The kid was super curious about all the aspects of our “mission” and had even mapped out where he thought we should go for a snack break, which was both genuinely helpful and charmingly hospitable.
In both of these relationships, I might see the kids a few times a year, but the quality of the time we spend together — almost always just a day or a weekend — is really high, and we are all each others’ focus. Being an “uncle” is a responsibility I take seriously, too, and though the kids in question are still young enough to be in elementary/primary school, I fully anticipate being in their lives for as long as I can be.
Now, do I think my friends consider me a member of their kids’ extended families? I can’t really answer that. I don’t have any kids in my outside-work life (I work in education) other than those of my friends, but being called “uncle” is really something that warms my heart. My friends with kids who I’ve developed that bond with, I will note, have been through a lot since we’ve known each other, and I think my place in their lives has helped them see that they really can expect other adults in their life to value them not just as a peer, but also as a person who is really doing their best to be a great parent, too.
In fact, far from the stereotype of other people’s kids being an inconvenience or disruption to the lives of adults without kids, I’m actually really proud of my friends with kids who have welcomed me into their families’ lives; they are willing to show me the wholeness of their world! That kind of trust is really beautiful, and I think they really value it because they know my motivation to enjoy time with them is entirely separate from whatever long history of family drama they grew up with. I’m not going to tell your kids that you’re a bad parent because you haven’t washed your car in six months, you know? That’s liberating for my friends, and being able to not just tolerate but really gel with their kids is a way of showing them I still care about them even though our lives aren’t those of college roommates or soccer teammates or colleagues anymore.
Do you have friends who your kids like and who show they’re interested in your kids’ lives and personalities by asking about them unprompted? It could be worth having them around more.
Finally, I mention all this with the caveat that because I notice your question includes the qualifier “right now” when you talk about being near family, it may be the case that you have relocated recently and that your friends are actually quite far away, leaving the “people physically close to us who are also emotionally close to us” relationship category in your life much more heavily weighted toward extended family than it was before. If so, maybe your kids are feeling a bit lost too, and are missing whatever contact they enjoyed with non-family adults they saw more than, for example, their grandparents, and so maybe that non-family social support you are noticing is missing could come from their friends’ parents at school, their neighborhood friends’ parents, or the parents of their teammates or partners in any sports or activities they do.
Good luck!
posted by mdonley at 3:12 PM on March 8 [6 favorites]
I saw this statement toward the end of your question and wondered if some of this lack of support (about which it is absolutely okay to be selfish!) could be resolved through the involvement of a few of your friends, especially those who you know are trusted by and good with your kids, being a bigger part of your family’s life.
I am a friend like this for some friends with kids whose extended families are either very far away or are distant in other ways, and just in the process of keeping in touch over the years, I have developed some really delightful relationships with my friends’ kids.
In one case the relationship came about for as simple a reason as me and my friend finding ourselves chatting more often once we both got smartphones, us realizing we were going to be able to meet up more, and then me being invited to join them and their kids for outings, dinner at their house, that kind of thing.
Another friend’s kids and I send each other cards and letters after one of the kids mentioned how much they loved getting mail, and when we’re all near each other, we plan a day together with their parents. Recently I needed to travel to their area for some slightly stressful bureaucracy on a weekend, and once I told my friend I’d be nearby, my friend and his kid cleared their day so they could drive me around, get lunch with me, and save me a ton of time on my errands. The kid was super curious about all the aspects of our “mission” and had even mapped out where he thought we should go for a snack break, which was both genuinely helpful and charmingly hospitable.
In both of these relationships, I might see the kids a few times a year, but the quality of the time we spend together — almost always just a day or a weekend — is really high, and we are all each others’ focus. Being an “uncle” is a responsibility I take seriously, too, and though the kids in question are still young enough to be in elementary/primary school, I fully anticipate being in their lives for as long as I can be.
Now, do I think my friends consider me a member of their kids’ extended families? I can’t really answer that. I don’t have any kids in my outside-work life (I work in education) other than those of my friends, but being called “uncle” is really something that warms my heart. My friends with kids who I’ve developed that bond with, I will note, have been through a lot since we’ve known each other, and I think my place in their lives has helped them see that they really can expect other adults in their life to value them not just as a peer, but also as a person who is really doing their best to be a great parent, too.
In fact, far from the stereotype of other people’s kids being an inconvenience or disruption to the lives of adults without kids, I’m actually really proud of my friends with kids who have welcomed me into their families’ lives; they are willing to show me the wholeness of their world! That kind of trust is really beautiful, and I think they really value it because they know my motivation to enjoy time with them is entirely separate from whatever long history of family drama they grew up with. I’m not going to tell your kids that you’re a bad parent because you haven’t washed your car in six months, you know? That’s liberating for my friends, and being able to not just tolerate but really gel with their kids is a way of showing them I still care about them even though our lives aren’t those of college roommates or soccer teammates or colleagues anymore.
Do you have friends who your kids like and who show they’re interested in your kids’ lives and personalities by asking about them unprompted? It could be worth having them around more.
Finally, I mention all this with the caveat that because I notice your question includes the qualifier “right now” when you talk about being near family, it may be the case that you have relocated recently and that your friends are actually quite far away, leaving the “people physically close to us who are also emotionally close to us” relationship category in your life much more heavily weighted toward extended family than it was before. If so, maybe your kids are feeling a bit lost too, and are missing whatever contact they enjoyed with non-family adults they saw more than, for example, their grandparents, and so maybe that non-family social support you are noticing is missing could come from their friends’ parents at school, their neighborhood friends’ parents, or the parents of their teammates or partners in any sports or activities they do.
Good luck!
posted by mdonley at 3:12 PM on March 8 [6 favorites]
Do your relatives know how to interact with toddlers at all?
I mean, first off, some people are just kind of uninterested in kids, especially when it's kids they're not actually responsible for or required to spend time with.
But even people who are interested in kids don't always know how to express that interest. Initiating a conversation or a game with a little kid who doesn't already see you as Their Adult is kind of weird and awkward if you're not used to it. I'm not sure what the solution is, but I'd at least consider the possibility that they're Just Bad At This.
posted by Birds, snakes, and aeroplanes at 3:46 PM on March 8
I mean, first off, some people are just kind of uninterested in kids, especially when it's kids they're not actually responsible for or required to spend time with.
But even people who are interested in kids don't always know how to express that interest. Initiating a conversation or a game with a little kid who doesn't already see you as Their Adult is kind of weird and awkward if you're not used to it. I'm not sure what the solution is, but I'd at least consider the possibility that they're Just Bad At This.
posted by Birds, snakes, and aeroplanes at 3:46 PM on March 8
I'm confused about "when your kids come over we never see them". What are the kids doing instead? Are there fun things to do at the grandparents' and they disappear into board games or exploring the backyard or something? Or is it just that the kids go over there with their phones, and just hide and text their friends about how boring it is at the relatives'?
Because if it's the latter, the obvious answer is to send them without the phones.
posted by potrzebie at 7:27 PM on March 8 [1 favorite]
Because if it's the latter, the obvious answer is to send them without the phones.
posted by potrzebie at 7:27 PM on March 8 [1 favorite]
I get ice breaker games - you can get cheap ones at game stores. Trivia games to play at dinner or over dessert, rhyming or storytelling games. They are silly, but you can lure kids and adults in through a bit of a competitive spirit- winner gets to decide dessert or something like that? Anyway, that's how I do it because neither my kids nor the relatives are amazing at breaking the ice and making connections.
posted by Toddles at 6:59 PM on March 9
posted by Toddles at 6:59 PM on March 9
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I feel for you, you are putting a lot of effort into this and being very thoughtful, but not getting much back. FWIW if you were in my extended family I’d be so delighted with your thoughtful engagement!
posted by seemoorglass at 11:29 AM on March 8 [2 favorites]