Tips to reset after the breakup?
February 25, 2025 10:05 PM Subscribe
I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of weeks ago. Any tips on recovering and getting my life back on track?
I want to extend a huge thank you to everyone who has ever given me advice on here but especially on my last relationship. I did break up with him through a text message on a Friday evening after my first week at my new job. I literally could not stand the stress any longer and it was driving me batty and distracting me from performing at my best and my new job which became unacceptable to me. I texted the break up, requested respect and no more contact, then blocked on phone, blocked on social media and unfriended all of the connections I made through him like his family and friends. It felt crazy and harsh and mean. But I couldn’t take it anymore and just had to be done.
He called me 18 minutes later and left a voicemail. He said he respected my decision but asked that I talk to him again for closure as he said he didn’t understand why it wasn’t working (after he read my Reddit account secretly for over a month). Then, the next Thursday he sent flowers to my new workplace the day before Valentine’s Day with a note stating I meant the world to him and to take care and he wishes the best. My dad and friends seemed to think it was kinda shocking and harsh of me to block him and dump over text. My friend suggested I tell him thank you for the flowers and maybe have that closure talk. I texted him thank you, and then he texted back saying I was welcome and saying he really wished it didn’t end like this and he didn’t get why. So I did end up sending a long text about why in generalities. He then replied with a long text basically saying I was his sweetheart etc. and that he would have moved mountains if he had understood what I needed and was being romantic and backtracking on things he said in person before and said he has so much to say but not over text. I started to miss him so I said that and that I was sorry for how I handled things and maybe we could talk (bad move…). Then he replied saying he felt shaky and needed time. Then a couple days later he said he wanted to talk but then I already changed my mind. He sent another text several days later saying he’d still like to talk if possible and wanted his stuff back. Long story short I put it in a storage locker for him to retrieve. Apparently forgot one record so I’ll have to go put that in there again. He said it was really cold of me to handle things this way. I feel bad. You have to understand that we texted nearly every single day for almost 3 years and spent countless hours holding hands and cuddling and meeting each others families etc. Should I have a “closure talk” over phone or in person? I do not know what is reasonable. But I am scared to get roped back or for him to make me feel like a horrible person or guilty. I
I’ve already moved on mentally and emotionally after a couple of weeks of being a bit stuck. Now I am truly waking up to the fact of my life. I’m 32. Broke. 80-100 pounds over weight. Extremely dysfunctional family. Mentally ill mom and my dad still wants me to move back with him to save money. Aging parents which is sad. On the plus side i am making 62k at my new job which is more than ever but I want to be at 100k someday. I have no good support network really besides a couple of old friends who I don’t really share some values or lifestyles with but who I do feel seen and understood and valued and understood and loved. I’m thinking about going to church. I thought I would have a family someday but could be too late. I only want children with the right man for me. I don’t want to be a single mom if I can help it. If I never have kids then I think I’ll be okay. My life has passed me by. I’m feeling old. But I still have some drive and grit. I want to start a YouTube channel. I honestly am not interested in men at all and want them to stay away for at least a year maybe longer. I’m thinking about moving back to the apartment complex I first moved into when I left my dads at 24, but it feels weird going back and sad like I failed myself, but I did get my degree at 28 and learned a lot, but feel like I have nothing to show for it. I want to focus first on my finances and then my health.
TLDR: I am happy I left the relationship but now I’m facing all my regrets but now I’m ready to grab life by the horns and make the most of it that I can. I want to move up in my career. Any more advice? Thank you all.
I want to extend a huge thank you to everyone who has ever given me advice on here but especially on my last relationship. I did break up with him through a text message on a Friday evening after my first week at my new job. I literally could not stand the stress any longer and it was driving me batty and distracting me from performing at my best and my new job which became unacceptable to me. I texted the break up, requested respect and no more contact, then blocked on phone, blocked on social media and unfriended all of the connections I made through him like his family and friends. It felt crazy and harsh and mean. But I couldn’t take it anymore and just had to be done.
He called me 18 minutes later and left a voicemail. He said he respected my decision but asked that I talk to him again for closure as he said he didn’t understand why it wasn’t working (after he read my Reddit account secretly for over a month). Then, the next Thursday he sent flowers to my new workplace the day before Valentine’s Day with a note stating I meant the world to him and to take care and he wishes the best. My dad and friends seemed to think it was kinda shocking and harsh of me to block him and dump over text. My friend suggested I tell him thank you for the flowers and maybe have that closure talk. I texted him thank you, and then he texted back saying I was welcome and saying he really wished it didn’t end like this and he didn’t get why. So I did end up sending a long text about why in generalities. He then replied with a long text basically saying I was his sweetheart etc. and that he would have moved mountains if he had understood what I needed and was being romantic and backtracking on things he said in person before and said he has so much to say but not over text. I started to miss him so I said that and that I was sorry for how I handled things and maybe we could talk (bad move…). Then he replied saying he felt shaky and needed time. Then a couple days later he said he wanted to talk but then I already changed my mind. He sent another text several days later saying he’d still like to talk if possible and wanted his stuff back. Long story short I put it in a storage locker for him to retrieve. Apparently forgot one record so I’ll have to go put that in there again. He said it was really cold of me to handle things this way. I feel bad. You have to understand that we texted nearly every single day for almost 3 years and spent countless hours holding hands and cuddling and meeting each others families etc. Should I have a “closure talk” over phone or in person? I do not know what is reasonable. But I am scared to get roped back or for him to make me feel like a horrible person or guilty. I
I’ve already moved on mentally and emotionally after a couple of weeks of being a bit stuck. Now I am truly waking up to the fact of my life. I’m 32. Broke. 80-100 pounds over weight. Extremely dysfunctional family. Mentally ill mom and my dad still wants me to move back with him to save money. Aging parents which is sad. On the plus side i am making 62k at my new job which is more than ever but I want to be at 100k someday. I have no good support network really besides a couple of old friends who I don’t really share some values or lifestyles with but who I do feel seen and understood and valued and understood and loved. I’m thinking about going to church. I thought I would have a family someday but could be too late. I only want children with the right man for me. I don’t want to be a single mom if I can help it. If I never have kids then I think I’ll be okay. My life has passed me by. I’m feeling old. But I still have some drive and grit. I want to start a YouTube channel. I honestly am not interested in men at all and want them to stay away for at least a year maybe longer. I’m thinking about moving back to the apartment complex I first moved into when I left my dads at 24, but it feels weird going back and sad like I failed myself, but I did get my degree at 28 and learned a lot, but feel like I have nothing to show for it. I want to focus first on my finances and then my health.
TLDR: I am happy I left the relationship but now I’m facing all my regrets but now I’m ready to grab life by the horns and make the most of it that I can. I want to move up in my career. Any more advice? Thank you all.
Best answer: Geez, Mr. Yuck's comment was unnecessarily mean (username checks out). I mean, yes to therapy, and I want to acknowledge that you've done a really hard thing and you've faced a lot and overcome a lot of adversity in your life. I'm insulted for you that someone has said "you've been a mess for 11 years." Please do not take their message to heart.
Do not have a closure talk with the ex. He's already trying to rope you back in. Say to him, "I don't want to be with you anymore. You know everything from reading my Reddit. Please don't contact me again." And block again. I wish your dad and friends hadn't said "that's too cold" etc. They're centering HIM, not you. You're not a horrible person. You went for a clean break and you're giving back his stuff. Being horrible would be spreading rumours about him, throwing his stuff in the lake etc.
>My life has passed me by. I’m feeling old.
Friend, you could live for another HALF CENTURY or more. Take it one step at a time to build the life that you want.
>like I failed myself
Why would moving back to your old apartment complex be a failure? If the price and location work for you, why not move there? If you want to get your finances in order, maybe moving there is part of that plan.
Here's what I would do to move forward: think about where you want to be a year from now. How much money do you want to be making? How much do you want to have saved up? Highly suggest looking at Ramit Sethi's work on personal finance. Health wise, where do you want to be? Do you want to eat healthier, have a certain exercise regimen, lose a certain amount of weight?
posted by foxjacket at 11:20 PM on February 25 [8 favorites]
Do not have a closure talk with the ex. He's already trying to rope you back in. Say to him, "I don't want to be with you anymore. You know everything from reading my Reddit. Please don't contact me again." And block again. I wish your dad and friends hadn't said "that's too cold" etc. They're centering HIM, not you. You're not a horrible person. You went for a clean break and you're giving back his stuff. Being horrible would be spreading rumours about him, throwing his stuff in the lake etc.
>My life has passed me by. I’m feeling old.
Friend, you could live for another HALF CENTURY or more. Take it one step at a time to build the life that you want.
>like I failed myself
Why would moving back to your old apartment complex be a failure? If the price and location work for you, why not move there? If you want to get your finances in order, maybe moving there is part of that plan.
Here's what I would do to move forward: think about where you want to be a year from now. How much money do you want to be making? How much do you want to have saved up? Highly suggest looking at Ramit Sethi's work on personal finance. Health wise, where do you want to be? Do you want to eat healthier, have a certain exercise regimen, lose a certain amount of weight?
posted by foxjacket at 11:20 PM on February 25 [8 favorites]
You’re truly fine. You’re doing well for yourself by ending a relationship that wasn’t working—that by itself is really hard and big and good for your long-term wellbeing.
It sounds like you know what direction you want to go in, if you’ve got goals for your work, family, and money situations. Your instincts seem sound here.
If you’re looking for concrete advice? If I were you, I’d start going for daily walks or doing yoga videos, just something to clock 30 minutes of activity every day. I’d also look around for people whose careers look appealing and check out their CVs and LinkedIn presences—see what they’ve done to get where they are, and see if any of those steps map to your own career. Schedule an informational interview if you want! People generally love to talk about their work & to encourage others.
And just enjoy your life. Dress in clothes you love to wear, cook a meal you’ll enjoy, put on some music, watch a fun show, just make sure you enjoy your day.
posted by knotty knots at 11:57 PM on February 25 [3 favorites]
It sounds like you know what direction you want to go in, if you’ve got goals for your work, family, and money situations. Your instincts seem sound here.
If you’re looking for concrete advice? If I were you, I’d start going for daily walks or doing yoga videos, just something to clock 30 minutes of activity every day. I’d also look around for people whose careers look appealing and check out their CVs and LinkedIn presences—see what they’ve done to get where they are, and see if any of those steps map to your own career. Schedule an informational interview if you want! People generally love to talk about their work & to encourage others.
And just enjoy your life. Dress in clothes you love to wear, cook a meal you’ll enjoy, put on some music, watch a fun show, just make sure you enjoy your day.
posted by knotty knots at 11:57 PM on February 25 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I’m so glad you broke up with that guy. Don’t contact him again.
posted by dianeF at 1:26 AM on February 26 [10 favorites]
posted by dianeF at 1:26 AM on February 26 [10 favorites]
Oh yeah, that guy. Thanks for breaking up with him!
Breaking up by text is sub-optimal, sure, but having extended 'closure' talks is gonna be worse. There is no perfect way to break up! I think you're doing well so far, and extracting yourself fully and swiftly is the best route, so my advice is to get all of his stuff to him so that he has no more hold over you, and to stop contacting him.
You'll note that I'm making this all about YOU. It sounds as if a lot of other people in your life are making it all about your boyfriend. Let him get emotional support from his own friends; it's not your job any more.
Other advice? Start small with one new habit, whether that's making your bed every day or trying one new recipe a week or writing down everything you spend or... well, you get the idea, anything even vaguely related to improving your immediate environment or achieving your goals. You don't have to do everything at once.
posted by inexorably_forward at 2:27 AM on February 26 [5 favorites]
Breaking up by text is sub-optimal, sure, but having extended 'closure' talks is gonna be worse. There is no perfect way to break up! I think you're doing well so far, and extracting yourself fully and swiftly is the best route, so my advice is to get all of his stuff to him so that he has no more hold over you, and to stop contacting him.
You'll note that I'm making this all about YOU. It sounds as if a lot of other people in your life are making it all about your boyfriend. Let him get emotional support from his own friends; it's not your job any more.
Other advice? Start small with one new habit, whether that's making your bed every day or trying one new recipe a week or writing down everything you spend or... well, you get the idea, anything even vaguely related to improving your immediate environment or achieving your goals. You don't have to do everything at once.
posted by inexorably_forward at 2:27 AM on February 26 [5 favorites]
Oh, also, you will probably think about him every day for a while, maybe a long while, and that's totally normal! It's a habit your brain has, which eventually it will get out of if you don't feed it.
posted by inexorably_forward at 2:30 AM on February 26 [6 favorites]
posted by inexorably_forward at 2:30 AM on February 26 [6 favorites]
One thing to add to all the good stuff above. Usually in relationships, we change our habits for the sake of the other person. I love sushi, but he hates it, so I stop going out for sushi so much. I love old movies, he hates old movies, so I don't watch so many old movies any more. Think about those small pleasures foregone for the sake of the relationship. Start doing ALL. THOSE. THINGS. It will help to bring back some joy and fill the hole left by his presence.
And good for you on the new job! Sounds like you have the pieces in place to enjoy a fabulous new phase in your life. Lean into that.
posted by eleslie at 3:04 AM on February 26 [7 favorites]
And good for you on the new job! Sounds like you have the pieces in place to enjoy a fabulous new phase in your life. Lean into that.
posted by eleslie at 3:04 AM on February 26 [7 favorites]
Some great advice I got (don't remember how) was that it's ok if you feel like you're not moving just try to get your feet pointed in the right direction.
Even when we do everything 'right' (as if there were such a thing), life throws us curveballs. You're not moving backwards, nobody can even if they wanted to.
You also can't know the future and what it holds for your or doesn't, none of us can.
I really liked Byron Katie's "Loving what is" book, especially for the idea that time spent trying to be in other people's heads (imagining what they are thinking/feeling) is not helping you nor them. So much that I thought were compassion were actually just passion (in the archaic sense of the word), increasing my own suffering without actually helping.
In the aftermath of a big life change that impacts so many details of your everyday life, cut yourself a break.
Focus on a couple of major things, like, say, getting therapy, getting enough sleep, and doing well enough at your job to keep it. Then trust that your body and mind will take care of the rest as time goes by (which they will - our bodies are made for this), even if it doesn't feel like it.
posted by Salamandrous at 3:35 AM on February 26 [4 favorites]
Even when we do everything 'right' (as if there were such a thing), life throws us curveballs. You're not moving backwards, nobody can even if they wanted to.
You also can't know the future and what it holds for your or doesn't, none of us can.
I really liked Byron Katie's "Loving what is" book, especially for the idea that time spent trying to be in other people's heads (imagining what they are thinking/feeling) is not helping you nor them. So much that I thought were compassion were actually just passion (in the archaic sense of the word), increasing my own suffering without actually helping.
In the aftermath of a big life change that impacts so many details of your everyday life, cut yourself a break.
Focus on a couple of major things, like, say, getting therapy, getting enough sleep, and doing well enough at your job to keep it. Then trust that your body and mind will take care of the rest as time goes by (which they will - our bodies are made for this), even if it doesn't feel like it.
posted by Salamandrous at 3:35 AM on February 26 [4 favorites]
Mod note: One deleted, don't criticize the OP please.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane (staff) at 4:01 AM on February 26 [3 favorites]
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane (staff) at 4:01 AM on February 26 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I texted the break up, requested respect and no more contact, then blocked on phone, blocked on social media and unfriended all of the connections I made through him like his family and friends. It felt crazy and harsh and mean. But I couldn’t take it anymore and just had to be done.
So far so good.
He called me 18 minutes later and left a voicemail. He said he respected my decision
words which by their very existence constituted a lie.
but asked that I talk to him again for closure
because of course he did. How else is he going to get his chance to work you with all those customer retention offers he's apparently been keeping up his sleeve the whole time and hoping he'd never need to make good on?
as he said he didn’t understand why it wasn’t working (after he read my Reddit account secretly for over a month)
thereby confirming beyond reasonable doubt that he was, in fact, lying about respecting your request for no more contact.
Then, the next Thursday he sent flowers to my new workplace the day before Valentine’s Day with a note stating I meant the world to him and to take care and he wishes the best
thereby reconfirming the lie beyond even unreasonable doubt.
The strong likelihood that he's also lying to himself about how much respect he has for you doesn't make any of his lying any more respectable.
My dad and friends seemed to think it was kinda shocking and harsh of me to block him and dump over text.
Not their business.
My friend suggested I tell him thank you for the flowers and maybe have that closure talk.
because nothing says "being a friend" like deliberately white-anting a difficult and wrenching life-change decision made for good and sufficient reason before it's even out of the ICU.
I texted him thank you
If you ever need to put yourself through anything like this again, I strongly recommend enforcing no-contact from your end rather more effectively than this.
So I did end up sending a long text about why in generalities. He then replied with a long text basically saying I was his sweetheart etc. and that he would have moved mountains if he had understood what I needed and was being romantic and backtracking on things he said in person before and said he has so much to say but not over text. I started to miss him so I said that and that I was sorry for how I handled things and maybe we could talk (bad move…)
Completely understandable move. The bad move was one move earlier, where you sacrificed your hard-won no-contact position without compensation. Crack open the door for one of these fuckers to get a foot in and it's usually too hard to shut it properly again, which is the entire rationale for going no-contact in the first place.
[standard drama ensues]
Dumping people is hard. It just hurts. It's unpleasant for everybody involved. That's just the nature of the thing. That pain cannot be avoided so there's no point trying to. It just has to be endured until it heals on its own.
The best reason to cause that much pain for both yourself and your ex - which is the exact reason you had - is that you simply cannot deal with their shit any more and have no better option than just dropping the responsibility that they have piled onto you to be the one who has to deal with it.
The compensation for all that pain is suddenly having no reason at all to deal with their shit; it becomes theirs to deal with, which if they had an ounce of integrity it would have been all along. Next time, if there is one (and here's hoping there's not), maybe hang onto that compensation a little more tightly.
If I never have kids then I think I’ll be okay.
I don't know why you'd want to make more people when the ones that are already here are doing this to the joint (/me gestures sadly in the direction of everything).
If you want to raise some, there's no shortage of existing small people in dire need of loving, stable parenting. You can always get involved with foster care and make that notoriously shitty system just that little bit less shitty for some small number of somebodies by virtue of that involvement.
My life has passed me by.
People say that, but it's not a thing that can actually happen to a person. We're stuck with living our own lives whether we like them or not, and regardless of how many plans end up (in the immortal words of Pink Floyd) coming to naught or half a page of scribbled lines. Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way, but now that you've removed that fucking millstone from around your neck you don't need to run the next bit the English way. Run it your way.
I’m feeling old.
From the perspective of twice your years I can only advise you to embrace that feeling. There's a huge amount of good in it, though having grown up in a culture so notoriously prone to kissing the feet of the gilded idol of youthfulness, you have almost certainly not had your attention drawn to that anywhere near often enough.
Really the only downside of being old is that everything physical hurts more. But the relief from the emotional agony of youth is just massive as you learn to let go of it, piece by piece by piece. Don't discount that. It gets better from where you are.
If you need a therapist to help, get one. If you're trying to choose a modality, I recommend regular myotherapy because you will learn at least as much under a pair of skilled and caring hands on the massage table as you will by just talking stuff out and it's a huge help with the physical pain side as well.
But I still have some drive and grit.
Onya! That's the spirit.
I want to start a YouTube channel.
Post it to Projects. I wanna check it out.
I honestly am not interested in men at all and want them to stay away for at least a year maybe longer.
(/me flaps arms like Kermit, cheers wildly) Two weeks out and she's already sane. How great is that?
I want to focus first on my finances and then my health.
Normally I would say that those priorities are exactly bassackwards, but as a citizen of a country that has functioning public healthcare I would say that.
You go, girl. Do what you have to. Don't take no more shit from no fool nowhere, nowhen, nohow.
posted by flabdablet at 4:13 AM on February 26 [36 favorites]
So far so good.
He called me 18 minutes later and left a voicemail. He said he respected my decision
words which by their very existence constituted a lie.
but asked that I talk to him again for closure
because of course he did. How else is he going to get his chance to work you with all those customer retention offers he's apparently been keeping up his sleeve the whole time and hoping he'd never need to make good on?
as he said he didn’t understand why it wasn’t working (after he read my Reddit account secretly for over a month)
thereby confirming beyond reasonable doubt that he was, in fact, lying about respecting your request for no more contact.
Then, the next Thursday he sent flowers to my new workplace the day before Valentine’s Day with a note stating I meant the world to him and to take care and he wishes the best
thereby reconfirming the lie beyond even unreasonable doubt.
The strong likelihood that he's also lying to himself about how much respect he has for you doesn't make any of his lying any more respectable.
My dad and friends seemed to think it was kinda shocking and harsh of me to block him and dump over text.
Not their business.
My friend suggested I tell him thank you for the flowers and maybe have that closure talk.
because nothing says "being a friend" like deliberately white-anting a difficult and wrenching life-change decision made for good and sufficient reason before it's even out of the ICU.
I texted him thank you
If you ever need to put yourself through anything like this again, I strongly recommend enforcing no-contact from your end rather more effectively than this.
So I did end up sending a long text about why in generalities. He then replied with a long text basically saying I was his sweetheart etc. and that he would have moved mountains if he had understood what I needed and was being romantic and backtracking on things he said in person before and said he has so much to say but not over text. I started to miss him so I said that and that I was sorry for how I handled things and maybe we could talk (bad move…)
Completely understandable move. The bad move was one move earlier, where you sacrificed your hard-won no-contact position without compensation. Crack open the door for one of these fuckers to get a foot in and it's usually too hard to shut it properly again, which is the entire rationale for going no-contact in the first place.
[standard drama ensues]
Dumping people is hard. It just hurts. It's unpleasant for everybody involved. That's just the nature of the thing. That pain cannot be avoided so there's no point trying to. It just has to be endured until it heals on its own.
The best reason to cause that much pain for both yourself and your ex - which is the exact reason you had - is that you simply cannot deal with their shit any more and have no better option than just dropping the responsibility that they have piled onto you to be the one who has to deal with it.
The compensation for all that pain is suddenly having no reason at all to deal with their shit; it becomes theirs to deal with, which if they had an ounce of integrity it would have been all along. Next time, if there is one (and here's hoping there's not), maybe hang onto that compensation a little more tightly.
If I never have kids then I think I’ll be okay.
I don't know why you'd want to make more people when the ones that are already here are doing this to the joint (/me gestures sadly in the direction of everything).
If you want to raise some, there's no shortage of existing small people in dire need of loving, stable parenting. You can always get involved with foster care and make that notoriously shitty system just that little bit less shitty for some small number of somebodies by virtue of that involvement.
My life has passed me by.
People say that, but it's not a thing that can actually happen to a person. We're stuck with living our own lives whether we like them or not, and regardless of how many plans end up (in the immortal words of Pink Floyd) coming to naught or half a page of scribbled lines. Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way, but now that you've removed that fucking millstone from around your neck you don't need to run the next bit the English way. Run it your way.
I’m feeling old.
From the perspective of twice your years I can only advise you to embrace that feeling. There's a huge amount of good in it, though having grown up in a culture so notoriously prone to kissing the feet of the gilded idol of youthfulness, you have almost certainly not had your attention drawn to that anywhere near often enough.
Really the only downside of being old is that everything physical hurts more. But the relief from the emotional agony of youth is just massive as you learn to let go of it, piece by piece by piece. Don't discount that. It gets better from where you are.
If you need a therapist to help, get one. If you're trying to choose a modality, I recommend regular myotherapy because you will learn at least as much under a pair of skilled and caring hands on the massage table as you will by just talking stuff out and it's a huge help with the physical pain side as well.
But I still have some drive and grit.
Onya! That's the spirit.
I want to start a YouTube channel.
Post it to Projects. I wanna check it out.
I honestly am not interested in men at all and want them to stay away for at least a year maybe longer.
(/me flaps arms like Kermit, cheers wildly) Two weeks out and she's already sane. How great is that?
I want to focus first on my finances and then my health.
Normally I would say that those priorities are exactly bassackwards, but as a citizen of a country that has functioning public healthcare I would say that.
You go, girl. Do what you have to. Don't take no more shit from no fool nowhere, nowhen, nohow.
posted by flabdablet at 4:13 AM on February 26 [36 favorites]
Best answer: My dad and friends seemed to think it was kinda shocking and harsh of me to block him and dump over text. My friend suggested I tell him thank you for the flowers and maybe have that closure talk.
You're not getting great counsel here.
When I was 31 I accidentally went out on a date with a guy who was 21. Complete stranger to me. We had had a textbook romcom meet cute, he asked me out, he seemed a little young but I said sure why not, and we met up for coffee that weekend. As we were talking it became very obvious based on the conversation subject matter he stuck to that we were...not at the same place in life. Like, even if he hadn't turned out to be oh my god basically a child, I still wouldn't have had an interest in seeing him again. At the end of the coffee date he was gearing up to make plans for a second, and I said "I think you're a lot younger than me, how old are you?" and he said just turned 21! and then something along the lines of I can drink so we can make plans anywhere and I know you're a little older and... So I said "oh gosh I'll be 32 in a few weeks." Turns out we had each thought the other was 25. So that was the end of that.
Anyway, the interesting part came later, as I was relating this story to others. The meet cute situation happened at work in a fairly public way, so I had the whole office asking me about the date on Monday, besides my friends. You would not believe the number of people who got mad at me for not "giving him a chance." Excuse me?? The guy who was 11 years younger than me who would have been starting 2nd grade when I left home for college? (Who nevermind himself didn't seem interested in dating someone in their 30s? And also we had nothing in common???) It was mostly men, but a few women too, who thought I was a big mean meanie for being horrified that I had gone on a date with someone so young and wouldn't even consider dating him seriously. Even one of my supposed friends gave me a hard time about it.
Anyway, very long personal essay short, my point is that when you're a woman who demonstrates agency and personal choice, especially about your relationships there will always be people who'll come out of the woodwork to tell you why you've done it the wrong way. You can't win. All you can do is stay true to your own self and your own values, and keep yourself safe.
And speaking of being 32, back when I went on this accidental date with an infant I was making a little less than you are now. I kept expecting more and better for myself at work, and asked for it. I'm (only) 39 now and since then I've got promoted a bunch and make just over that $100k you're aiming for and have a whole house that I got all by myself and two dogs and friends I like. A lot can change very fast. As long as you keep yourself focused on what's best for you, I think you're going to be fine.
posted by phunniemee at 4:41 AM on February 26 [15 favorites]
You're not getting great counsel here.
When I was 31 I accidentally went out on a date with a guy who was 21. Complete stranger to me. We had had a textbook romcom meet cute, he asked me out, he seemed a little young but I said sure why not, and we met up for coffee that weekend. As we were talking it became very obvious based on the conversation subject matter he stuck to that we were...not at the same place in life. Like, even if he hadn't turned out to be oh my god basically a child, I still wouldn't have had an interest in seeing him again. At the end of the coffee date he was gearing up to make plans for a second, and I said "I think you're a lot younger than me, how old are you?" and he said just turned 21! and then something along the lines of I can drink so we can make plans anywhere and I know you're a little older and... So I said "oh gosh I'll be 32 in a few weeks." Turns out we had each thought the other was 25. So that was the end of that.
Anyway, the interesting part came later, as I was relating this story to others. The meet cute situation happened at work in a fairly public way, so I had the whole office asking me about the date on Monday, besides my friends. You would not believe the number of people who got mad at me for not "giving him a chance." Excuse me?? The guy who was 11 years younger than me who would have been starting 2nd grade when I left home for college? (Who nevermind himself didn't seem interested in dating someone in their 30s? And also we had nothing in common???) It was mostly men, but a few women too, who thought I was a big mean meanie for being horrified that I had gone on a date with someone so young and wouldn't even consider dating him seriously. Even one of my supposed friends gave me a hard time about it.
Anyway, very long personal essay short, my point is that when you're a woman who demonstrates agency and personal choice, especially about your relationships there will always be people who'll come out of the woodwork to tell you why you've done it the wrong way. You can't win. All you can do is stay true to your own self and your own values, and keep yourself safe.
And speaking of being 32, back when I went on this accidental date with an infant I was making a little less than you are now. I kept expecting more and better for myself at work, and asked for it. I'm (only) 39 now and since then I've got promoted a bunch and make just over that $100k you're aiming for and have a whole house that I got all by myself and two dogs and friends I like. A lot can change very fast. As long as you keep yourself focused on what's best for you, I think you're going to be fine.
posted by phunniemee at 4:41 AM on February 26 [15 favorites]
Best answer: anon1129, I don't have better advice than the comment you marked as best answer, but as someone who read and answered your previous posts I just wanted to say, I'm glad you were finally able to do it.
I guess maybe I'll add ... it's normal to feel bad when you hurt someone. It just means you have empathy. It doesn't mean that you were wrong to hurt them, as sometimes in life that is unavoidable - such as when you need to break up with someone. There are other times where that might happen. I hurt my parents when I decided to do research abroad in a much less safe country; their worry did not obligate me to say "no" to the opportunity.
Don't let your empathy for this guy make you put his wants above your needs. You did the right thing. It's okay to prioritize you right now. If you had to break up by text you had to break up by text.
Furthermore, there's no "closure" that you can offer him because that's not what he's looking for. He wants to talk to you so he can convince you not to leave him. He already knows why you left, and he wants to convince you that you were wrong. He knows that you have trouble asserting yourself, and he knows that he has a better chance to convince you in person. Don't meet up with him and don't respond when he keeps trying to contact you.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 5:51 AM on February 26 [12 favorites]
I guess maybe I'll add ... it's normal to feel bad when you hurt someone. It just means you have empathy. It doesn't mean that you were wrong to hurt them, as sometimes in life that is unavoidable - such as when you need to break up with someone. There are other times where that might happen. I hurt my parents when I decided to do research abroad in a much less safe country; their worry did not obligate me to say "no" to the opportunity.
Don't let your empathy for this guy make you put his wants above your needs. You did the right thing. It's okay to prioritize you right now. If you had to break up by text you had to break up by text.
Furthermore, there's no "closure" that you can offer him because that's not what he's looking for. He wants to talk to you so he can convince you not to leave him. He already knows why you left, and he wants to convince you that you were wrong. He knows that you have trouble asserting yourself, and he knows that he has a better chance to convince you in person. Don't meet up with him and don't respond when he keeps trying to contact you.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 5:51 AM on February 26 [12 favorites]
Best answer: Breakups are hard! Even when it's the right thing, they do leave some emotional wreckage in their wake. So, give yourself a pat on the back for summoning the courage to do this. That bodes well for your new life.
I'm quite a bit older, and looking back, I can say: your 30s is actually a really good time for your life to change. Often you spend your 20s chasing what you think you want. In your 30s it becomes clear what you *really* want, and you now have the life experience to make it happen.
(This can happen at any age and stage! But for me, a lot changed in my 30s.)
So, be open to new paths and new possibilities. Turn the corner, feel the wind on your face. The year is turning to spring (assuming you're in the northern hemisphere). You can turn with it.
To counter any lingering sadness, embrace small joys. A perfect cup of coffee or tea. Spring flowers, new leaves. The smell of rain on the warming earth. Your favourite clothes. You get the idea.
posted by Pallas Athena at 6:05 AM on February 26 [5 favorites]
I'm quite a bit older, and looking back, I can say: your 30s is actually a really good time for your life to change. Often you spend your 20s chasing what you think you want. In your 30s it becomes clear what you *really* want, and you now have the life experience to make it happen.
(This can happen at any age and stage! But for me, a lot changed in my 30s.)
So, be open to new paths and new possibilities. Turn the corner, feel the wind on your face. The year is turning to spring (assuming you're in the northern hemisphere). You can turn with it.
To counter any lingering sadness, embrace small joys. A perfect cup of coffee or tea. Spring flowers, new leaves. The smell of rain on the warming earth. Your favourite clothes. You get the idea.
posted by Pallas Athena at 6:05 AM on February 26 [5 favorites]
I am so happy you broke up with that guy. Of course it hurts, it’s a wound, and you’re not a monster. But think of it as a necessary surgery, the wound was required and for a greater good. You made the right decision and in a year you will read these Asks and be so happy you did this. Give yourself some healing time.
posted by Vatnesine at 6:50 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]
posted by Vatnesine at 6:50 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]
I'm going to speak to your thoughts about your age:
You're only 32, and you have no idea what is going to happen in the future. I also had someone break up with me when I was 32 and I was heartbroken. I got over it. And then met the guy that I really thought was the love of my life five years later.
My point being: You're only 32, and you have no idea what is going to happen in the future. It's entirely possible that breaking up with this guy has finally cleared the way for the universe to send you the guy you're REALLY supposed to be with.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:11 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]
You're only 32, and you have no idea what is going to happen in the future. I also had someone break up with me when I was 32 and I was heartbroken. I got over it. And then met the guy that I really thought was the love of my life five years later.
My point being: You're only 32, and you have no idea what is going to happen in the future. It's entirely possible that breaking up with this guy has finally cleared the way for the universe to send you the guy you're REALLY supposed to be with.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:11 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]
Don't do the closure talk thing. It's important to realize that you have already had the closure talk with him, multiple times, and he did not respect it, which makes what he wants not closure.
If you might want to be a mom, my suggestion in general but also as a way to refocus from the breakup is: don't be closed off to the possibility of single motherhood, or co-parenting with a non-romantic partner. Spend this time focusing on *practicing* for motherhood. Volunteer with Big Brothers/Big Sisters, perhaps? You value your friends, even if you don't have much in common with them: do they have kids that you could spend some time taking care of? Maybe start down the path to be a respite carer for the foster system, but that's obviously several steps ahead.
Note that I'm not saying "oh, single/non-romantically-partnered motherhood is going to be your only option", just that it's worth investigating as many options as possible, and also being prepared ahead of time if it does happen that you meet the perfect guy and together you decide to have kids.
Also, projects in general are also quite good.
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 7:12 AM on February 26 [3 favorites]
If you might want to be a mom, my suggestion in general but also as a way to refocus from the breakup is: don't be closed off to the possibility of single motherhood, or co-parenting with a non-romantic partner. Spend this time focusing on *practicing* for motherhood. Volunteer with Big Brothers/Big Sisters, perhaps? You value your friends, even if you don't have much in common with them: do they have kids that you could spend some time taking care of? Maybe start down the path to be a respite carer for the foster system, but that's obviously several steps ahead.
Note that I'm not saying "oh, single/non-romantically-partnered motherhood is going to be your only option", just that it's worth investigating as many options as possible, and also being prepared ahead of time if it does happen that you meet the perfect guy and together you decide to have kids.
Also, projects in general are also quite good.
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 7:12 AM on February 26 [3 favorites]
As for you feeling old, I think you’ve got it wrong. You are now Experienced. You’ve made a mistake and fixed it, this gives you a new and different perspective on life. That comes with age but doesn’t mean you’re old.
posted by Vatnesine at 7:33 AM on February 26 [4 favorites]
posted by Vatnesine at 7:33 AM on February 26 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I'm so glad you broke up with him! You have your life back! Don't spend time helping him try to get you back in the guise of supposed closure. He's not trying to close the door. He's trying to keep it open. Don't let him!
I was older than you are when I broke my ankle, recovered from it and got back in shape, then picked up and started a new life in another state. It's by no means too late to get a new start, and I'm glad you didn't wait another minute to be done and move on.
Also, don't wait for your body to be in some supposed optimal configuration to live your life. Weight goes up and down, but you get this life, so keep going and live it. Don't despair—you're just getting started on this next phase of things!
posted by limeonaire at 8:33 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]
I was older than you are when I broke my ankle, recovered from it and got back in shape, then picked up and started a new life in another state. It's by no means too late to get a new start, and I'm glad you didn't wait another minute to be done and move on.
Also, don't wait for your body to be in some supposed optimal configuration to live your life. Weight goes up and down, but you get this life, so keep going and live it. Don't despair—you're just getting started on this next phase of things!
posted by limeonaire at 8:33 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]
Best answer: As someone who is now 42, looking back, my life didn't even start until I was 32. When I started my 30s, I didn't have a career of any kind (just hopping from job to job), had a couple close friends but had also lost my childhood best friend, had gone through a breakup with the guy I thought I was going to marry, was living with multiple roommates, drank way too much, my mental health was trash, etc. 10 years later, things are SO MUCH BETTER. I have a good career, a lovely partner (after being single for almost all my 30s), a fantastic group of awesome supportive friends, healthier habits, control of my mental health, etc.
You have grit and you know what you want. THAT's what matters, hold on to that, remind yourself of your worth EVERY DAY. Your 30s are a great time to be selfish and take care of YOU and work for your future and fuck the haters. Drop the people that bring you down and seek out people who lift you up. If I've learned one thing, community/friends are everything.
NOW is the time. You've got this.
posted by greta simone at 10:32 AM on February 26 [3 favorites]
You have grit and you know what you want. THAT's what matters, hold on to that, remind yourself of your worth EVERY DAY. Your 30s are a great time to be selfish and take care of YOU and work for your future and fuck the haters. Drop the people that bring you down and seek out people who lift you up. If I've learned one thing, community/friends are everything.
NOW is the time. You've got this.
posted by greta simone at 10:32 AM on February 26 [3 favorites]
Books:
- The Resilience Workbook: Essential Skills to Recover from Stress, Trauma, and Adversity
- The Self-Esteem Workbook (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)
- Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle
- The Modern Trauma Toolkit: Nurture Your Post-Traumatic Growth with Personalized Solutions
- Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
- Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High
The two last ones are really important for your career, but also obviously in other relationships as well.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:38 PM on February 26 [1 favorite]
- The Resilience Workbook: Essential Skills to Recover from Stress, Trauma, and Adversity
- The Self-Esteem Workbook (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)
- Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle
- The Modern Trauma Toolkit: Nurture Your Post-Traumatic Growth with Personalized Solutions
- Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
- Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High
The two last ones are really important for your career, but also obviously in other relationships as well.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:38 PM on February 26 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Seconding greta simone, looking back at my 30's, way more things happened from age 32-40 than 0-32. At 32, I was in the process of divorcing my husband. I thought my life was over, little did I know that it was finally beginning. Not that the future has always been clear to me, there were many times over the past ten years that I felt an absolute wreck, but it all turned out so much better than anything I'd experienced from life until then, and better than I could have ever imagined.
Every possibility is there for you. Forget anyone else, live for yourself. What makes YOU happy? What do YOU want to explore? What do YOU see in your future? Fling all those doors open. Try everything. Find out who you are. See all that life has in store for you.
As an example, I took up ice hockey. I could only sort of skate and my ex would've ridiculed me for trying. Whatever. It looked like fun. I bought all the equipment, signed up for lessons, and forwarding to the present, trying out this hobby on a whim literally changed the trajectory of my life. I've made more new friends than I can count on two hands and two feet, my now-husband and I play on a team together, and the sport keeps us both fit.
You never know what will be the thing for you until you try it. You owe it to yourself to find out.
And keep your ex blocked. Seriously, forget he even exists. You've worked this hard to get free from that mess, don't allow anyone to drag you back down.
posted by keep it under cover at 5:18 PM on February 27
Every possibility is there for you. Forget anyone else, live for yourself. What makes YOU happy? What do YOU want to explore? What do YOU see in your future? Fling all those doors open. Try everything. Find out who you are. See all that life has in store for you.
As an example, I took up ice hockey. I could only sort of skate and my ex would've ridiculed me for trying. Whatever. It looked like fun. I bought all the equipment, signed up for lessons, and forwarding to the present, trying out this hobby on a whim literally changed the trajectory of my life. I've made more new friends than I can count on two hands and two feet, my now-husband and I play on a team together, and the sport keeps us both fit.
You never know what will be the thing for you until you try it. You owe it to yourself to find out.
And keep your ex blocked. Seriously, forget he even exists. You've worked this hard to get free from that mess, don't allow anyone to drag you back down.
posted by keep it under cover at 5:18 PM on February 27
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Usually my advice for this kind of question is to put yourself in a totally different mental and physical space, as much as possible. But it seems like you are already doing your best on that front. I would say from your post that you're still giving waaaay too much energy to details that don't matter anymore (as seen in the middle paragraph) – just let it all go. Remember: no matter what anyone says, you don't owe this guy anything. He can go find his own closure just fine. Allow that whole situation to be part of your PAST.
My advice for you is: Focus on your future. You can work on your finances and your health at the same time – and I'm glad you mentioned those specifically. It feels like your mind keeps jumping to a lot of different places: You want to start a youtube channel, maybe have a family, maybe go to church, maybe move back to a past apartment complex, etc. Giving energy to all of these things will quickly turn into giving no energy to any of them. Instead, try to quiet your mind a bit, and try some visualization techniques. Think about what you want your life to be like in one year. What does a great day look like for you, one year from now? What kind of place you live in? How do you fill your time? What brings you joy, and what are you glad you're not stressed about anymore? What do you look like? What would one year's worth of personal growth feel like for you? Simplify your life to focus on what comes up as the most important things to you.
Lastly, don't second guess yourself anymore. You've found a good path. Stay on it.
posted by Molasses808 at 11:02 PM on February 25 [16 favorites]