Looking for "how to be social" (conversations and context) resources

February 25, 2025 7:19 AM

I'm currently working with a person in their late 20s who wants to socialize more with their peers, but lacks knowledge (often context and rules that might apply) and was isolated while growing up (they have a disability and were homeschooled). I'm seeking either websites that provide a lot of conversations to practice and/or books that might break down these activities and provide more context.

The person I'm working with is very sincere and works hard at whatever we study.

I'm working with the person, and have created a few conversational prompts, but have run out of topics (and although I know how to socialize and can grasp the context of many social conversations and situations, I no longer think from that perspective - so I don't even know what to suggest).

What I'd love to find are either books, workbooks, or websites that provide this type of info (asking metafilter because even the library and/or amazon now turn up everything from AI to cutting and pasting from wikipedia -- so I'm hoping other people can point to great references /specific references that might have helped them when in a similar situation).

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (9 answers total)

I write the following as a late-diagnosed autistic person who had tremendous difficulties socializing with peers for most of my life.

Studying how to be social is the wrong approach. Rehearsing conversation scripts is not productive. The best way to "learn how to be social" is direct experience in a supportive environment, starting with one or two conversational partners.

The last thing you want to be doing during a live conversation is trying to remember that conversation script you practiced last week, and the last thing your conversational partners want to hear is you regurgitating some script from a book. Practice in a supportive environment is the only thing that will help your person develop the skill and confidence to socialize in a genuine way.
posted by heatherlogan at 8:33 AM on February 25 [4 favorites]

This may be off base but Dr K has a youtube channel, website and tons of content, some paid, that focuses on mental health for gamers, but even if your person is not a gamer, gamers could also be described as young people with lower social skills. (Maybe? Sorry, I'm not a young gamer person so don't mean to be offensive to anyone or say that all gamers have no social skills.) Young adults I know are into this content. Anyway, there are groups, all paid I think, that actually interact to practice social interaction and life, actual practice as heatherlogan mentions as different than just practicing. Here's a link to https://www.healthygamer.gg/coaching/group Again, tons of free content, maybe you could find something relevant to your young person on the youtube channel or website. Also, this age group seems to love videos and audio more than workbooks, websites, books so this video content might be on point.
posted by RoadScholar at 8:39 AM on February 25 [1 favorite]

When I was trying to figure this out, I read a lot of novels and advice / ettiquette columns. Ettiquette columns will break down the possible motivations of the people involved and explicitly explain social rules. Maybe you could read some recent fiction and talk about the motivations of the characters and the subtext of scenes? It sounds like it's the unspoken part that's hard.

And, yes, lots of boring, low stakes small talk for practice. Coworkers are great for this, if they have them. Routinely going to the same local coffeeshop / restaurant / etc. could work.
posted by momus_window at 8:41 AM on February 25

How To Win Friends and Influence People is, for better or worse, a classic for a reason, particularly in the original text (later versions add bits). People think of it as a striver's manual but it's really not - it's full of advice about listening more to others, etc.
posted by wattle at 9:55 AM on February 25 [2 favorites]

I worked with tons of people like this. Here's the thing, social skills are highly contextual, find them their tribe. I was handed the one young person after the other described as socially abysmal, uninterested in people, shy, weir, etc. They were, to a person, kind funny and charming and often quite chatty. They just didn't like talking about what the people who referred them to me liked taking about. Only wanting to talk about football, work or your children is no less a special interest than star wars or your cats. For some reason we are expected to remember what your kid who we never met is studying at college. Only concentrating on work, while at work, ia considered weird.

I could go on, I do....Find them their people, go with them a few times for moral support, play relaxed wingman, don't ask too many questions, let them be quiet too if they want, don't hurry them or correct their behaviour, learn the culture you are in. Your person is (probably) absolutely fine as they are, they are just a frog in a birdcage. Take them down the pond.
posted by Iteki at 9:57 AM on February 25 [4 favorites]

You might be interested in this Social Communication site that was previously linked on the blue. I can't say I love the site design, but the information is great and includes practice exercises. It also includes resources for follow-up learning.
posted by ourobouros at 1:15 PM on February 25 [1 favorite]

I agree that gentle, supportive hands-on practice is super important! I also agree that over-use of scripts can be problematic. Scripts can encourage imitation, which is a kind of masking. In my experience, if I'm not being myself, my interactions are not satisfying, and I cannot genuinely connect. That said, having a list of fun ice-breaker questions ready to go can absolutely be a great jumping off place for many people and make it more comfortable to start talking to someone new. But once the icebreaker question is asked, I think it's important to give interactions the space to breathe and develop without rigid scripts or checklists.

This doesn't mean that a person can't learn new tools to make it easier, more pleasurable, and more effective to connect with other human beings. But for those interactions to be rooted in genuine connection, the people involved need to be free to be themselves. Contorting myself to squeeze into some mass-produced social polygon has never, ever gotten me anywhere good. Thus, I have had to do some self-exploration in order to fabricate my own custom set of tools.

To me, this is the most important piece for your friend: self-exploration. (I know you didn't specifically say "friend", but it's going to get even wordier in here if I have to repeat "the person you are working with / acquainted with" over and over.) Have they figured out and clearly articulated what it is they're looking for? They want to socialize more; fabulous! What exactly would feel like a good, successful social interaction for them? Have they had pleasurable social interactions in the past? What made those interactions feel good? Have they had interactions that felt disappointing, bad, or unsuccessful? What made those feel not good? Visualizing examples in lots of detail can be a great way to explore these questions. (And like Iteki says above, often the answer to this question will have a strong element of finding the right people to socialize with.)

Questions about what we want from interactions with other humans can bring up a lot of big feelings. They may feel comfortable exploring the questions with you, or may need to do this alone or with another trusted person.

Below I'll share some ideas from my own toolset. This stuff is very bespoke; take what feels comfy and leave the rest. I hope that these tools spark some ideas for your friend of what might work for them.

My tools:
(1) Realizing that my enjoyment matters; & identifying my own goals.
I used to feel really guilty if I talked "too much", even if the person I was spending time with was a trusted friend who told me honestly that they had a fabulous interaction. Eventually, I realized that there was a deeper issue; I was worrying about whether my social partner was having a good time (valuable!), but I didn't seem to give any weight to whether *I* was having a good time. Even if my interlocuter was enjoying themself, I was miserable when I talked so much! Recognizing my dissatisfaction with my own anxiety-driven behavior shifted the focus away from me feeling guilty, or thinking I was a "bad" friend. Instead, I was able to start exploring what might make a social interaction feel good and successful for me (and my conversational partner, too!). I realized that the "over-talking" made me feel very isolated and disconnected from the other person. I felt like I was in a job interview, or performing a pre-rehearsed story for an audience of strangers. This helped me realize my fundamental social goals: (1) to feel connected with the other person, and (2) to have a new, unique, special experience with the other person, rooted in that particular moment we were spending together. The new experience doesn't have to be anything fancy or dramatic; sharing a delicious new flavor together at a coffeeshop while teaming up to do the crossword absolutely works for me.

(2) Pausing before I enter the space to visualize what I'm hoping we will get out of our time together.
Along the same lines, asking myself "What would help me connect with this person?". Or, "What would feel good / like a successful interaction to me?". Or, "What do I know about this person, what might they want, and how can I phrase a question to find out more?" However, I do try to avoid over-anticipating the other person, which can lead to masking. I want to remember what I know, but also leave plenty of space for them to surprise me.

(3) Setting a timer (it can sound like a phone call or text) to go off 20 mins into the interaction.
I often get hyperfocused/overwhelmed during social interactions. I find it difficult to remember take a step back and reflect on how the interaction is feeling for me in the moment (rather than hours later when I'm alone). Having a discreet reminder alarm helps me pause, breathe, and check in with how I'm feeling in the moment in the midst of interacting with others. Close friends might be in on the "secret" of how I'm using my alarm and maybe even do the check-in with me, if they want to. But new acquaintances don't think there's anything unusual about a phone alert.

(4) Recognizing I have certain limits, and respecting those limits so that my interactions are enjoyable.
This rule can apply to any personal limits that provide comfort: needing quieter spaces, or needing louder spaces, or preferring to sit still while talking, or preferring social time that involves movement. For myself, when spending time with new people, my limit is around duration. I try to keep things under 90 minutes, and I have a hard limit at 2 hours even if I'm having a great time. If I don't set a time limit, I will hang out too long until I'm exhausted, go home feeling drained, and later regret the outing even if it started out fun. Shorter interactions, on the other hand, have the potential to be enjoyable, create good memories, and leave me wanting to spend more time with that person in the future.

(5) Recognizing that it's okay to ask people about themselves
I was raised to find direct questions invasive, and have had to get over that block while still respecting people's privacy. In many situations, I like to start with something broad and open-ended like "What's interesting to you lately that you want to share with me?". Or "What has your attention this week?" This lets the person know that I'm genuinely interested in them, without feeling like I'm boxing them into a particular topic. This also works well for people I don't know super well, since I won't know exactly what they enjoy talking about and/or what feels too private for them.

Personally, I really love to talk about books, movies, TV, art, music, science, architecture, and ideas generally. I often have really enjoyable conversations when I ask my interlocuter something like, "Have you interacted with an interesting piece of media recently? Can you describe it and share your thoughts on it?" If we would prefer to talk about something we've both seen, watching a short film (5-15 mins) together and then chatting about it is another great jumping-off point.

(6) Recognizing that it's okay to give incomplete answers to people's questions.
When people ask me direct personal questions, I often have trouble telling if they're just being polite or if they're are genuinely interested. I also struggle to discern which details are important, and I feel pressure to give a 100% complete answer (but don't actually enjoy sharing all that hyper-detailed info, because it typically makes me feel dis-connected). So, I remind myself that (1) I don't have to answer. I can gently change the topic ("oh, that's a long story, some other time") if I want to. Or, (2) I can give a shorter and "incomplete" answer, and it doesn't have to be perfectly summarized, and people can ask follow-up questions if they want to know more. And (3) I can pivot the conversation to the other person but tie in the thing they asked me about, if the topic is interesting to me.

(6) Having a notebook to doodle in.
Having a notebook so I can scribble, doodle, and take loose notes while people are talking is *really* helpful for me! YMMV depending on your social circles on whether this would be considered "strange" in a way that would be a social barrier, or whether it would be considered a perfectly reasonable adaptation/assistive device. Personally, I don't think having a notebook during seated conversations has to be awkward. Before speaking, I often jot down shorthand for the things that have popped into my head. This helps me organize and distill my thoughts so I don't ramble. I also jot down things other people have said, so I can process their words more deeply in the moment. Finally, doodling is one way for me enjoy moving my body if I'm in a situation where we're physically still and I need some movement to relax and be comfortable.

Fingers crossed some of this resonates for your friend, and sending them the very best wishes for their journey! <3
posted by cnidaria at 1:17 PM on February 25 [6 favorites]

One of the reasons I like board games is that they create rules for being together in a space. Rules that can be learned and followed.

People still do non-board game things during play, but I feel like the game gives me a solid baseline and then I can dip in to the extras (gossip, personal life updates, who brought the cookies), when I want, and otherwise just listen and nod and play.
posted by bunderful at 9:41 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]

Seconding the rec for Dr K / Healthygamer!

Here's a query for "social" on thier youtube.
posted by lalunamel at 2:39 PM on March 15