But I don't want to be friends
February 24, 2025 10:09 AM Subscribe
About a month ago, I inadvertently caused a car accident: an elderly couple swerved to avoid me, and totaled their car. Because it was weather-related, the police reported that it wasn’t my fault.
I drove them and their belongings home and arranged for a free tow for their car, because I felt so bad about the situation. Upon reaching their house, I saw that their flagpole flew the An Appeal to Heaven flag, and their totaled car had a large Defend The Constitution in the '24 Election sticker, though they didn’t display any signs that specifically mentioned Trump.
And then...
The issue is that they keep texting me trying to be friends. First, they asked for my insurance information, which was fine. Then they sent me updates on their health (fortunately they are both uninjured, just shaken-up). Then information about a concert they attended. Then images of their new car. And now they want to get together for dinner.
I responded as obliquely as I could to the social interactions, but so far I have ghosted them on the dinner request. I hate when others ghost me, but I'm having difficulty figuring out the best way to decline their offer.
I know I should probably be a bigger person, and try to reach out to them and share with them how damaging the Trump administration is to me and my found family -- we share common musical and outdoor activities, and in a better world, could likely be quite compatible as friends -- but I don’t have it in me, for personal reasons. I also believe that the only reason they’re being so kind and generous right now is because they think that the world is turning around because Trump won the election, and that an extended conversation with them is likely to be awkward, potentially damaging to me, and ultimately futile. I'm also afraid that turning them down in a hurtful way could leave the door open for vengeful legal action, which I can't afford.
Any insights would be greatly appreciated.
The issue is that they keep texting me trying to be friends. First, they asked for my insurance information, which was fine. Then they sent me updates on their health (fortunately they are both uninjured, just shaken-up). Then information about a concert they attended. Then images of their new car. And now they want to get together for dinner.
I responded as obliquely as I could to the social interactions, but so far I have ghosted them on the dinner request. I hate when others ghost me, but I'm having difficulty figuring out the best way to decline their offer.
I know I should probably be a bigger person, and try to reach out to them and share with them how damaging the Trump administration is to me and my found family -- we share common musical and outdoor activities, and in a better world, could likely be quite compatible as friends -- but I don’t have it in me, for personal reasons. I also believe that the only reason they’re being so kind and generous right now is because they think that the world is turning around because Trump won the election, and that an extended conversation with them is likely to be awkward, potentially damaging to me, and ultimately futile. I'm also afraid that turning them down in a hurtful way could leave the door open for vengeful legal action, which I can't afford.
Any insights would be greatly appreciated.
You have no obligation to be friends with someone just because they want to be friends with you.
You can also make the call that while there might be some value in speaking up to them about the impact of their political position on someone that they actually know and want to be friends with, you can decide that it not something you have the energy to do right now. (There is so much to be done in the world, no one can do all of the possible things - you have to pick and choose and it is OK to choose not to do this one.)
The simplest way to disengage is to send them a note saying that your personal life is quite of full responsibilities and you aren't going to be able to do a dinner together but you are glad they have fully recovered from the accident.
By the way, in this time of fear, it might be helpful to notice where your own fear is amplifying a low risk situation. I can imagine a lot of good reasons why you might be feeling very unsafe in the world right now but in this particularly case, the chances of a hurtful vengeful response seems very low, especially if you aren't attacking them. The police already reported that it was not your fault. The insurance companies already know what happened. They are an older couple who seems grateful and possibly lonely. I rate the chances that they would spend their own money to start a lawsuit that they would surely lose to be very small.
posted by metahawk at 10:23 AM on February 24 [4 favorites]
You can also make the call that while there might be some value in speaking up to them about the impact of their political position on someone that they actually know and want to be friends with, you can decide that it not something you have the energy to do right now. (There is so much to be done in the world, no one can do all of the possible things - you have to pick and choose and it is OK to choose not to do this one.)
The simplest way to disengage is to send them a note saying that your personal life is quite of full responsibilities and you aren't going to be able to do a dinner together but you are glad they have fully recovered from the accident.
By the way, in this time of fear, it might be helpful to notice where your own fear is amplifying a low risk situation. I can imagine a lot of good reasons why you might be feeling very unsafe in the world right now but in this particularly case, the chances of a hurtful vengeful response seems very low, especially if you aren't attacking them. The police already reported that it was not your fault. The insurance companies already know what happened. They are an older couple who seems grateful and possibly lonely. I rate the chances that they would spend their own money to start a lawsuit that they would surely lose to be very small.
posted by metahawk at 10:23 AM on February 24 [4 favorites]
I would block these people without a 2nd thought. I don't wish anyone actual harm but I don't have any empathy, concern or compassion for anyone still supporting Nazis.
posted by archimago at 10:25 AM on February 24 [4 favorites]
posted by archimago at 10:25 AM on February 24 [4 favorites]
If the police reported that the accident was weather related and not your fault. I’m not sure how this couple could take vengeful legal action against you. I am not a lawyer, but it makes sense that if the report does not implicate you then you would hold no responsibility for any medical problems they may encounter down the road. In fact, I think the less you talk to these people the better because you don’t want to admit any wrongdoing that they could use against you. I just would not talk to them again if I were you.
posted by waving at 10:48 AM on February 24 [3 favorites]
posted by waving at 10:48 AM on February 24 [3 favorites]
Omg! Fate brought you three together but you have ZERO obligation to educate or influence anyone. Consider your “karmic debt” with these people to be erased in the best way possible (no physical damage to anyone).
Send them one final text “thank heavens all of us are safe following that stressful event; I am not available for dinner but I wish you all the best” and consider it done. I love the phrasing “I’m not available” with no reasons given because it’s just plain true and leaves no doors open but isn’t unkind. You’re not available full stop.
(PS they might also have felt some kind of trauma bond to you, or child/grandchild projection or whatever; you still owe them nothing)
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:56 AM on February 24 [30 favorites]
Send them one final text “thank heavens all of us are safe following that stressful event; I am not available for dinner but I wish you all the best” and consider it done. I love the phrasing “I’m not available” with no reasons given because it’s just plain true and leaves no doors open but isn’t unkind. You’re not available full stop.
(PS they might also have felt some kind of trauma bond to you, or child/grandchild projection or whatever; you still owe them nothing)
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:56 AM on February 24 [30 favorites]
St. Peepsburg hits it on the head with "I'm not available".
The only thing I'd add: I don't see any vengeful legal opportunities from your description. If they are hell-bent on a frivolous threat or lawsuit, I suppose they could try... but why would it be contingent on your rejection of their overtures to friendship?
posted by RajahKing at 11:24 AM on February 24 [2 favorites]
The only thing I'd add: I don't see any vengeful legal opportunities from your description. If they are hell-bent on a frivolous threat or lawsuit, I suppose they could try... but why would it be contingent on your rejection of their overtures to friendship?
posted by RajahKing at 11:24 AM on February 24 [2 favorites]
I agree to politely but firmly decline, then stop responding. They sound nice, honestly, but they should understand you all had a one-time interaction by default.
Reminds me of Curb Your Enthusiasm, both the GWB portrait and the red hat episodes.
posted by michaelh at 1:15 PM on February 24 [1 favorite]
Reminds me of Curb Your Enthusiasm, both the GWB portrait and the red hat episodes.
posted by michaelh at 1:15 PM on February 24 [1 favorite]
Block their numbers.
Just because they want to reach out does not mean that you are required to be receptive. They’re old don’t get to demand space in-your life.
They’re old and set in their ways and not a damn thing you can do will shift their opinions.
Block their numbers on your phone and get on with your life.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 4:02 PM on February 24
Just because they want to reach out does not mean that you are required to be receptive. They’re old don’t get to demand space in-your life.
They’re old and set in their ways and not a damn thing you can do will shift their opinions.
Block their numbers on your phone and get on with your life.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 4:02 PM on February 24
If they're Appeal to Heaven/Christian nationalist types, they may see you as someone to proselytize at. Any amount of pushback from you will make them even more vehement. Block 'em and move on.
posted by scruss at 5:18 PM on February 24 [1 favorite]
posted by scruss at 5:18 PM on February 24 [1 favorite]
Do not address the politics. It's futile anyway.
I'm doubtful you need to go to the extent of blocking them and risk them noticing, when you could just be "too busy" and "have too much going on" to spare the time until they lose interest.
posted by stormyteal at 11:15 PM on February 24 [1 favorite]
I'm doubtful you need to go to the extent of blocking them and risk them noticing, when you could just be "too busy" and "have too much going on" to spare the time until they lose interest.
posted by stormyteal at 11:15 PM on February 24 [1 favorite]
I'd actually go against the crowd and mention something about it before blocking. Very much like you did here. Like, you seemed very nice but I was taken aback when I saw your flag and support for our felonious prez. Your values are those of hate and division, and those are not the values of people I associate with. Bye! Block. Forgotten.
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:25 AM on February 25 [4 favorites]
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:25 AM on February 25 [4 favorites]
Fuck these people. You have zero obligation to people actively working to tear down democracy and get good people killed all over the world for evil reasons. It's regrettable you already wasted so much kindness on them, but you can cut your losses now and just ghost them. Ghosting is still kinder than they deserve.
posted by GoblinHoney at 10:01 AM on February 25 [2 favorites]
posted by GoblinHoney at 10:01 AM on February 25 [2 favorites]
What phunniemee said in the first response. You don't owe anyone your time and attention.
If you don't want to go without a response, Miss Manners gives us the all-purpose and invaluable "I'm sorry, that won't be possible." Repeat as necessary.
posted by Gelatin at 12:26 PM on February 25
If you don't want to go without a response, Miss Manners gives us the all-purpose and invaluable "I'm sorry, that won't be possible." Repeat as necessary.
posted by Gelatin at 12:26 PM on February 25
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Please just block these people and move on with your life. If any more business needs to be conducted about the auto accident, they can get in touch with you via the insurance companies.
posted by phunniemee at 10:23 AM on February 24 [7 favorites]