guilt/anguish over principled resignation
February 19, 2025 11:39 PM Subscribe
I resigned from a position recently and I'm feeling huge guilt. How should I process it?
I can't get into specific details so this will be rather abstract.
I have worked at a charitable organization for over ten years, and work very closely and happily with one or two colleagues in it, call them Sponge and Bob, and am on generally friendly terms with others. It's a nice enough charity and does good work, but there are others in a similar field that I would have the option to move to and work for which pay more and give way more benefits - I ended up with this one more or less through a luck of a draw, and just stayed on. Sponge does not have the same option to move to a different organization for Reasons, and is really happy to have me stay on even though I could go somewhere else.
Over the last year or more, things began to come to light for me in working with Sponge over a sensitive matter in the organization. We began to ask questions of my charitable organization and its leadership. Although both Sponge and I were both aware of the extent of wrongdoing, because of Sponge's position due to Reasons, and because they were worried for their job, they were hesitant to sign onto what eventually became a series of whistleblower letters. Although they kept saying they would sign on to what I was writing, at the last minute they pulled out and I ended up writing and sending solo, essentially sticking my neck out. I was then targeted by the charity leadership with various ridiculous accusations, defamation, libel etc, which was all extremely distressing. To be fair to them, Sponge did a lot of work in the background to try to get these issues visibilized and mitigated, and they have been absolutely valiant trying to rein in the worst of the excesses. Other people in the organization are terrified of the charity's leadership and the legal blustering, so the support I got for sending these letters was pretty tepid. Several other people quiet-resigned ie just walked away, without saying anything. Wrongdoing continued to happen, got worse even, everyone was lawyered up and got even more terrified to say anything. But nothing can be achieved without more people willing to stick their necks out and so far it was just me. It got to the point where I felt that a resignation with an extremely angry letter explaining the principled nature of my resignation without saying anything that would incriminate myself in this legally hostile environment would have the most galvanizing effect, so that is what I did.
It does seem like the resignation is having said galvanizing effect, in that people in the organization are now finally starting to say they might try to step up and say something. But Sponge is very upset with me, as is Bob. They think I didn't need to resign, and that I'm abandoning them. That I should have stayed to fight it out longer. Sponge doesn't have the option to leave the organization the way I do, so they have to stick it out. I feel really guilty about it because I also feel like I am abandoning them. Separate to the wrongdoing thing, leaving the organization after ten years is good for me, it allows me to explore working in a different environment and maybe grow in different ways. But it also means that Sponge's workload will increase a lot and they lose a close co-worker with no real prospect of replacing me. I'm struggling with the guilt of my decision. They are trying to get me to postpone my resignation until later this year, in case the wrongdoing gets sorted out.
What can I do to process the decision? I feel a bit upset that Sponge has asked me to postpone my resignation, I feel like that waters down the strength of a principled resignation (moots it even) and also maybe they don't respect my decision? but understandably they are upset. But I also feel like maybe my motivations for resigning were also to do with wanting to leave an organization I wasn't 100% keen on anyway, quite apart from the utter disgust at the wrongdoing. I guess I'm trying to work through what I owe Sponge as a friend and colleague.
It's so, so much more complicated than this. Basically I'm just struggling with this decision and with the guilt, second-guessing myself, wondering if I've done the right thing. I would love to hear from others who have been in similar situations of dealing with the aftermath of principled resignations, difficult loyalties to people vs to organizations, and anything else in this ballpark. How did you process such a difficult decision?
I can't get into specific details so this will be rather abstract.
I have worked at a charitable organization for over ten years, and work very closely and happily with one or two colleagues in it, call them Sponge and Bob, and am on generally friendly terms with others. It's a nice enough charity and does good work, but there are others in a similar field that I would have the option to move to and work for which pay more and give way more benefits - I ended up with this one more or less through a luck of a draw, and just stayed on. Sponge does not have the same option to move to a different organization for Reasons, and is really happy to have me stay on even though I could go somewhere else.
Over the last year or more, things began to come to light for me in working with Sponge over a sensitive matter in the organization. We began to ask questions of my charitable organization and its leadership. Although both Sponge and I were both aware of the extent of wrongdoing, because of Sponge's position due to Reasons, and because they were worried for their job, they were hesitant to sign onto what eventually became a series of whistleblower letters. Although they kept saying they would sign on to what I was writing, at the last minute they pulled out and I ended up writing and sending solo, essentially sticking my neck out. I was then targeted by the charity leadership with various ridiculous accusations, defamation, libel etc, which was all extremely distressing. To be fair to them, Sponge did a lot of work in the background to try to get these issues visibilized and mitigated, and they have been absolutely valiant trying to rein in the worst of the excesses. Other people in the organization are terrified of the charity's leadership and the legal blustering, so the support I got for sending these letters was pretty tepid. Several other people quiet-resigned ie just walked away, without saying anything. Wrongdoing continued to happen, got worse even, everyone was lawyered up and got even more terrified to say anything. But nothing can be achieved without more people willing to stick their necks out and so far it was just me. It got to the point where I felt that a resignation with an extremely angry letter explaining the principled nature of my resignation without saying anything that would incriminate myself in this legally hostile environment would have the most galvanizing effect, so that is what I did.
It does seem like the resignation is having said galvanizing effect, in that people in the organization are now finally starting to say they might try to step up and say something. But Sponge is very upset with me, as is Bob. They think I didn't need to resign, and that I'm abandoning them. That I should have stayed to fight it out longer. Sponge doesn't have the option to leave the organization the way I do, so they have to stick it out. I feel really guilty about it because I also feel like I am abandoning them. Separate to the wrongdoing thing, leaving the organization after ten years is good for me, it allows me to explore working in a different environment and maybe grow in different ways. But it also means that Sponge's workload will increase a lot and they lose a close co-worker with no real prospect of replacing me. I'm struggling with the guilt of my decision. They are trying to get me to postpone my resignation until later this year, in case the wrongdoing gets sorted out.
What can I do to process the decision? I feel a bit upset that Sponge has asked me to postpone my resignation, I feel like that waters down the strength of a principled resignation (moots it even) and also maybe they don't respect my decision? but understandably they are upset. But I also feel like maybe my motivations for resigning were also to do with wanting to leave an organization I wasn't 100% keen on anyway, quite apart from the utter disgust at the wrongdoing. I guess I'm trying to work through what I owe Sponge as a friend and colleague.
It's so, so much more complicated than this. Basically I'm just struggling with this decision and with the guilt, second-guessing myself, wondering if I've done the right thing. I would love to hear from others who have been in similar situations of dealing with the aftermath of principled resignations, difficult loyalties to people vs to organizations, and anything else in this ballpark. How did you process such a difficult decision?
I wonder whether Sponge and Bob are feeling guilty for not supporting you more actively, and instead of dealing with that themselves they are taking it out on you.
In any case, it doesn't matter whether someone else thinks you didn't need to resign. It only matters what you thought, and you made a considered decision and took a reasonable course of action that seemed like the best (or least worst) option open to you. Working for dysfunctional organisations can affect us in many ways, including inducing unnecessary and unhelpful guilt. Getting out and moving on is always a sensible thing to do, even where there are other sensible choices.
There's also absolutely nothing wrong with just leaving a job because you have other options, and everything wrong with setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm. If any resignation leaves coworkers in a difficult place, they should direct their irritation towards the organisation, because that is always where the responsibility lies.
posted by plonkee at 1:16 AM on February 20 [13 favorites]
In any case, it doesn't matter whether someone else thinks you didn't need to resign. It only matters what you thought, and you made a considered decision and took a reasonable course of action that seemed like the best (or least worst) option open to you. Working for dysfunctional organisations can affect us in many ways, including inducing unnecessary and unhelpful guilt. Getting out and moving on is always a sensible thing to do, even where there are other sensible choices.
There's also absolutely nothing wrong with just leaving a job because you have other options, and everything wrong with setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm. If any resignation leaves coworkers in a difficult place, they should direct their irritation towards the organisation, because that is always where the responsibility lies.
posted by plonkee at 1:16 AM on February 20 [13 favorites]
Response by poster: I'm not going to threadsit and it is already so helpful to hear these views -- but just that I forgot to say that if you have any suggestions of specific language I can use to apologize or explain myself or commiserate or [insert appropriate non-guilting empathetic response] to Sponge and Bob, that would be really helpful too. I'm finding "I hope it all goes well from here" or "I wish you all the best" or "good luck with continuing the fight" sound so hollow/insincere, especially when the other organizations I will look to work with are in the same city and it's not like I'm going to be "leaving" in a more than institutional way. As a "colleague", I've already offered to come back and give formal testimony if and when it ever gets to that point with the organization, but I'm struggling more with the "friend" bit.
posted by starcrust at 1:32 AM on February 20
posted by starcrust at 1:32 AM on February 20
Good on you for taking action to change your situation.
The period after you become a whistleblower (you are brave to have done that), and were then retaliated against by the org's leadership, must have been extremely stressful.
By resigning you are no longer trapped inside that system. But, while you are not trapped, your mind may still be following patterns of thought that have been shaped by and focusing on surviving that sick system.
Your mind needs time to settle down and adjust to your new reality where you don't have to think about your bad workplace all the time, where instead you can focus on and think about other things. It is normal to feel a bunch of emotions - guilt, anxiety, etc after such a stressful period and making a big decision.
You could notice and acknowledge those emotions without reacting to them. If you focus your time and attention on other things -- activities that force you to focus on the moment like getting plenty of exercise outside, spending quality time with family & friends unrelated to your former work circle, over time your thinking patterns will change, and you won't be hyper-focusing on this bad work situation that you are no longer trapped inside. Might take a few weeks or a few months.
Again, good on you for taking action to change your situation.
posted by are-coral-made at 1:33 AM on February 20 [15 favorites]
The period after you become a whistleblower (you are brave to have done that), and were then retaliated against by the org's leadership, must have been extremely stressful.
By resigning you are no longer trapped inside that system. But, while you are not trapped, your mind may still be following patterns of thought that have been shaped by and focusing on surviving that sick system.
Your mind needs time to settle down and adjust to your new reality where you don't have to think about your bad workplace all the time, where instead you can focus on and think about other things. It is normal to feel a bunch of emotions - guilt, anxiety, etc after such a stressful period and making a big decision.
You could notice and acknowledge those emotions without reacting to them. If you focus your time and attention on other things -- activities that force you to focus on the moment like getting plenty of exercise outside, spending quality time with family & friends unrelated to your former work circle, over time your thinking patterns will change, and you won't be hyper-focusing on this bad work situation that you are no longer trapped inside. Might take a few weeks or a few months.
Again, good on you for taking action to change your situation.
posted by are-coral-made at 1:33 AM on February 20 [15 favorites]
it also means that Sponge's workload will increase a lot and they lose a close co-worker with no real prospect of replacing me.
What plonkee said. There's no reason the organization couldn't hire someone to replace you or, if what you bring is truly irreplaceable, to at least help with Sponge's workload.
And what, if you did stay, would Sponge expect you to stay forever? Would there ever be a point where you could leave without them feeling this way?
Friends are happy, or at least feel positive about, seeing friends do what they need to do and to do what's right for them. I mean it can take a while sometimes for even a good friend to come round to this feeling, and the feeling might coexist alongside others, but ultimately it's kind of a fundamental part of real friendship - not even necessarily the closest friendship, just a relationship where people care about each other at all - for S&B to think "starcrust is doing what they need to do and I'll support them and truly wish them well".
posted by trig at 1:40 AM on February 20 [6 favorites]
What plonkee said. There's no reason the organization couldn't hire someone to replace you or, if what you bring is truly irreplaceable, to at least help with Sponge's workload.
And what, if you did stay, would Sponge expect you to stay forever? Would there ever be a point where you could leave without them feeling this way?
Friends are happy, or at least feel positive about, seeing friends do what they need to do and to do what's right for them. I mean it can take a while sometimes for even a good friend to come round to this feeling, and the feeling might coexist alongside others, but ultimately it's kind of a fundamental part of real friendship - not even necessarily the closest friendship, just a relationship where people care about each other at all - for S&B to think "starcrust is doing what they need to do and I'll support them and truly wish them well".
posted by trig at 1:40 AM on February 20 [6 favorites]
My experience observing others: If your resignation under the circumstances you described is public knowledge within your org, then if you rescind, your management will find an excuse to fire you later. They may also attempt to deflect blame upon you. Don't indulge them in an exit interview. Get out and then see how you can help your (blameless) co-workers move into better situations.
If people with power over you are doing shady things, there's no reason to assume they will be upstanding enough to not lie about you to others. Document, document, document, and get out.
posted by zaixfeep at 1:45 AM on February 20 [10 favorites]
If people with power over you are doing shady things, there's no reason to assume they will be upstanding enough to not lie about you to others. Document, document, document, and get out.
posted by zaixfeep at 1:45 AM on February 20 [10 favorites]
I'm finding "I hope it all goes well from here" or "I wish you all the best" or "good luck with continuing the fight" sound so hollow/insincere
On their own, yeah.
Can you go for a meal or drink with them, and talk with them like a friend? Make it clear you know they're going to be stuck in the trenches. Hopefully they'll make it clear they know you had been left alone to fight for them and shoulder consequences they didn't. In the context of a real conversation - with real, human, non-canned phrases - the sentiments you mentioned will probably feel more sincere to everyone.
What do you want the future to look like? Would you want to keep in touch, or hang out, or hopefully work together again some day somewhere down the road?
posted by trig at 1:49 AM on February 20 [2 favorites]
On their own, yeah.
Can you go for a meal or drink with them, and talk with them like a friend? Make it clear you know they're going to be stuck in the trenches. Hopefully they'll make it clear they know you had been left alone to fight for them and shoulder consequences they didn't. In the context of a real conversation - with real, human, non-canned phrases - the sentiments you mentioned will probably feel more sincere to everyone.
What do you want the future to look like? Would you want to keep in touch, or hang out, or hopefully work together again some day somewhere down the road?
posted by trig at 1:49 AM on February 20 [2 favorites]
You did not abandon Sponge and/or Bob, they abandoned you. At the point where they did not sign on to the letter(s) after encouraging you and saying they were with you, they lost all expectation of you acting in any way but in your best interests and what you believed to be the interests of the charity.
It is hard that their workload may increase, even significantly, but that is the organization's issue, not yours. The organization can hire a replacement. No one is irreplaceable, NO ONE.
I would not extend the leave date any more than whatever it is today. As you noted, it either weakens your argument for leaving or it will make you look hyper critical.
Rather than be upset with you, they should be happy that one of the gang got out. You can continue to support them emotionally even after you have left. Be a sounding ear for them to vent about the disfunction of the organization. Even give them suggestions for how to effect change.
I appreciate that Sponge, for reasons, cannot leave It sounds to me, speculating, that Sponge is a relative of someone there, but whatever the reason, that is their issue. Do you think because they are trapped that you should too in sympathy?
It is not something that I think you are willing to do, but if you want to get over your guilt, like in a relationship, the best course of action is to go no contact when you leave. If, when you get settled into your next situation you think there is an opportunity for Bob (or Sponge) at your new organization, then connect them to whomever can help them get the role.
As for explaining yourself, I would say very little. "After careful consideration over a long period of time, I realized that the best course of action for me (and my family if that is relevant) was to resign.". That's it. I would not apologize for the decision. Maybe, I am sorry that I won't be able to work with you anymore as I have the utmost respect for you.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 3:10 AM on February 20 [8 favorites]
It is hard that their workload may increase, even significantly, but that is the organization's issue, not yours. The organization can hire a replacement. No one is irreplaceable, NO ONE.
I would not extend the leave date any more than whatever it is today. As you noted, it either weakens your argument for leaving or it will make you look hyper critical.
Rather than be upset with you, they should be happy that one of the gang got out. You can continue to support them emotionally even after you have left. Be a sounding ear for them to vent about the disfunction of the organization. Even give them suggestions for how to effect change.
I appreciate that Sponge, for reasons, cannot leave It sounds to me, speculating, that Sponge is a relative of someone there, but whatever the reason, that is their issue. Do you think because they are trapped that you should too in sympathy?
It is not something that I think you are willing to do, but if you want to get over your guilt, like in a relationship, the best course of action is to go no contact when you leave. If, when you get settled into your next situation you think there is an opportunity for Bob (or Sponge) at your new organization, then connect them to whomever can help them get the role.
As for explaining yourself, I would say very little. "After careful consideration over a long period of time, I realized that the best course of action for me (and my family if that is relevant) was to resign.". That's it. I would not apologize for the decision. Maybe, I am sorry that I won't be able to work with you anymore as I have the utmost respect for you.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 3:10 AM on February 20 [8 favorites]
I, too, have worked in incredibly enmeshed, hostile, boundaryless, and even corrupt nonprofit environments. I'm here to tell you that you will heal!
You will also look back on this situation with new insight in years to come. Please take this process slow. After ten years, you have a lot of being away from this mess to catch up on. I think that, as the years pass, you will be a bit shocked to the extent that this was life- and emotion-consuming.
You will not agree now, but these people are all very ill and it's wonderful that you're walking away. When coworkers are begging you to walk back a resignation in a situation like this, things are off the rails.
>What can I do to process the decision?
Some of the best things you can do are cut ties immediately, focus on other things while you experience the emotions, and move forward in your actual life, even (or especially) if you are not confident you made the right decision (you did).
> if you have any suggestions of specific language I can use to apologize or explain myself or commiserate
No. Do not do do this. Depart, and repair your life. "I care about you very much and look forward to staying friends" is fine, if it's true (I actually don't think it is; I suspect that you don't actually consider these people friends, when you admit the truth to yourself). "I know you don't understand and that's okay" is also fine.
Good luck! I would also encourage you to journal or write about this privately. You will look back later with new eyes, and that will be useful.
Also: right now you are embarking on a new adventure. Don't rob yourself of that experience because of old situations holding you back.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 4:38 AM on February 20 [12 favorites]
You will also look back on this situation with new insight in years to come. Please take this process slow. After ten years, you have a lot of being away from this mess to catch up on. I think that, as the years pass, you will be a bit shocked to the extent that this was life- and emotion-consuming.
You will not agree now, but these people are all very ill and it's wonderful that you're walking away. When coworkers are begging you to walk back a resignation in a situation like this, things are off the rails.
>What can I do to process the decision?
Some of the best things you can do are cut ties immediately, focus on other things while you experience the emotions, and move forward in your actual life, even (or especially) if you are not confident you made the right decision (you did).
> if you have any suggestions of specific language I can use to apologize or explain myself or commiserate
No. Do not do do this. Depart, and repair your life. "I care about you very much and look forward to staying friends" is fine, if it's true (I actually don't think it is; I suspect that you don't actually consider these people friends, when you admit the truth to yourself). "I know you don't understand and that's okay" is also fine.
Good luck! I would also encourage you to journal or write about this privately. You will look back later with new eyes, and that will be useful.
Also: right now you are embarking on a new adventure. Don't rob yourself of that experience because of old situations holding you back.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 4:38 AM on February 20 [12 favorites]
So the person who didn't back you up is upset that they think you aren't backing them up huh. In my estimation you've done well morally and ethically and deserve to let the guilty feelings go.
posted by chasles at 4:48 AM on February 20 [14 favorites]
posted by chasles at 4:48 AM on February 20 [14 favorites]
I've been the person who stuck their neck out while people without courage "supported" me from the safe shadows.
It's shitty. You're well out of it. Sponge and Bob are not your friends, and even outside your evil ex-workplace they may not be safe people to be around, until such time as they uncrumple themselves from that place, if they ever do.
Have compassion for yourself for the next... while. (It took me a couple of years, if I'm honest, to uncrumple.) It's not hard for a good person to get stuck in this dynamic. It IS hard to get out, harder still to learn the lesson.
posted by humbug at 5:05 AM on February 20 [5 favorites]
It's shitty. You're well out of it. Sponge and Bob are not your friends, and even outside your evil ex-workplace they may not be safe people to be around, until such time as they uncrumple themselves from that place, if they ever do.
Have compassion for yourself for the next... while. (It took me a couple of years, if I'm honest, to uncrumple.) It's not hard for a good person to get stuck in this dynamic. It IS hard to get out, harder still to learn the lesson.
posted by humbug at 5:05 AM on February 20 [5 favorites]
people in the organization are now finally starting to say they might try to step up and say something. But Sponge is very upset with me, as is Bob. They think I didn't need to resign, and that I'm abandoning them. That I should have stayed to fight it out longer. Sponge doesn't have the option to leave the organization the way I do, so they have to stick it out. I feel really guilty about it because I also feel like I am abandoning them.
Change down, man. Find your neutral space. You got a rush. It will pass. Be seated.
posted by flabdablet at 5:31 AM on February 20 [2 favorites]
Change down, man. Find your neutral space. You got a rush. It will pass. Be seated.
posted by flabdablet at 5:31 AM on February 20 [2 favorites]
I think you process it by letting multiple things be true. I agree that the tail on processing all of this will be long and there will probably come a phase when you have other feelings towards these people, but if the guilt is what's salient now, that's the thing to work with.
You're a principled and caring person, so it's not going to just roll off your back that your resignation leaves S & B, with whom you've worked closely for years, in the lurch. I don't think you get around the guilt without feeling that piece of it: it does just suck to know or feel like your actions are negatively impacting someone, regardless of circumstances. It makes sense and is okay for that to feel bad.
And, simultaneously, the circumstances matter. The feelings-are-not-facts piece for S & B is that they have done what they've done and haven't done what they haven't and the rot in the organization is undeniable. You have all the reason in the world to depart, you have reason to do it at this time and in this manner, and anybody who is attempting to see beyond themselves should be able to see that even if they wish things were different.
That's the tack I would take in any additional conversation: I hear you, S and/or B, and I know that me leaving is going to make things rough for you in some ways; I hate that that's true but this is the right move for me on a number of levels and it's what I have to do. Not up for negotiation, not coming from a place of self-flagellation, but recognizing--because it's an honest reflection of how you feel--that there will be some fallout and you care about that and them.
posted by wormtales at 6:03 AM on February 20 [3 favorites]
You're a principled and caring person, so it's not going to just roll off your back that your resignation leaves S & B, with whom you've worked closely for years, in the lurch. I don't think you get around the guilt without feeling that piece of it: it does just suck to know or feel like your actions are negatively impacting someone, regardless of circumstances. It makes sense and is okay for that to feel bad.
And, simultaneously, the circumstances matter. The feelings-are-not-facts piece for S & B is that they have done what they've done and haven't done what they haven't and the rot in the organization is undeniable. You have all the reason in the world to depart, you have reason to do it at this time and in this manner, and anybody who is attempting to see beyond themselves should be able to see that even if they wish things were different.
That's the tack I would take in any additional conversation: I hear you, S and/or B, and I know that me leaving is going to make things rough for you in some ways; I hate that that's true but this is the right move for me on a number of levels and it's what I have to do. Not up for negotiation, not coming from a place of self-flagellation, but recognizing--because it's an honest reflection of how you feel--that there will be some fallout and you care about that and them.
posted by wormtales at 6:03 AM on February 20 [3 favorites]
I recently resigned from the executive board of a nonprofit due to semi– corrupt behavior by the president vice president. I didn’t feel it was egregious enough to report it, but the behavior of these two in defending themselves and then trying to make me out to be unstable because I called them out on it was really difficult. It was upsetting that they wouldn’t own up to their own behavior and instead lashed out at me. On the other hand, this made it pretty clear to me I had made the absolutely right decision. I don’t wanna be around people like that, and there are so many good organizations and people to be around that I felt wasting my time on this BS was just not something I wanted in my life. This comes down to what your core values are, and whether you are willing to live by those under any circumstances. It sounds like you are. Sponge and Bob weren’t there to back you up when it was really needed. That’s OK, people do what they need to do to preserve their own sense of safety and what they did certainly doesn’t fall outside the boundaries of ethical behavior. Remind yourself that living by your own values is paramount to you. I think you may be surprised at what comes next. In the meantime, focus on what you would like to do next with the awareness of what you learned about this experience, and please do not beat yourself up about Sponge and Bob. In reading your post, I get the sense that you are a strong, independent and motivated person. I am personally very proud of you!
posted by waving at 6:45 AM on February 20 [3 favorites]
posted by waving at 6:45 AM on February 20 [3 favorites]
As someone who is trapped by circumstance in a job that requires me to compromise my values ten times a fuckin day, I can tell you that Sponge and Bob are being immature assholes about this but that most likely it stems from how trapped and helpless they feel.
I hate that I could not stand publicly with the last coworker who resigned and I have to just silently listen to folks here as they completely misrepresent why she left while they make my life an actual soul-draining horror. I'm just lucky to have had enough therapy that I know how to identify when I am misdirecting my anger.
This isn't to excuse them at all! They need to grow up and sort themselves out and not be jerks to you. It is just meant to help you feel less like you are responsible for, or the cause of, their feelings. Their feelings are about themselves and their circumstances. You're just nearby.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:36 AM on February 20 [4 favorites]
I hate that I could not stand publicly with the last coworker who resigned and I have to just silently listen to folks here as they completely misrepresent why she left while they make my life an actual soul-draining horror. I'm just lucky to have had enough therapy that I know how to identify when I am misdirecting my anger.
This isn't to excuse them at all! They need to grow up and sort themselves out and not be jerks to you. It is just meant to help you feel less like you are responsible for, or the cause of, their feelings. Their feelings are about themselves and their circumstances. You're just nearby.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:36 AM on February 20 [4 favorites]
if you have any suggestions of specific language I can use to apologize or explain myself or commiserate or [insert appropriate non-guilting empathetic response] to Sponge and Bob, that would be really helpful too
Dear Sponge and Bob, I have enjoyed our friendship and collegial association at CharityOrg and I'm sorry to be leaving. I came to work at CharityOrg because I valued its mission and believed the organization and its leadership would act ethically. That turned out not to be the case, and when I shed light on these issues I did so without much public support and was subjected to retaliation from leadership. This has made continuing to work at CharityOrg untenable. I'm disappointed that it came to this and wish you both the very best.
posted by slkinsey at 8:05 AM on February 20 [4 favorites]
Dear Sponge and Bob, I have enjoyed our friendship and collegial association at CharityOrg and I'm sorry to be leaving. I came to work at CharityOrg because I valued its mission and believed the organization and its leadership would act ethically. That turned out not to be the case, and when I shed light on these issues I did so without much public support and was subjected to retaliation from leadership. This has made continuing to work at CharityOrg untenable. I'm disappointed that it came to this and wish you both the very best.
posted by slkinsey at 8:05 AM on February 20 [4 favorites]
>language I can use to apologize or explain myself
You shouldn't be apologizing for what the Charity's leadership has done, which is to drive you out of the org. You shouldn't be apologizing for the Charity's failure to hire a replacement for you. You shouldn't be apologizing for the idea that Sponge is stuck there. A more reasonable question IMHO would be asking why they aren't apologizing to you.
posted by mrgoldenbrown at 8:51 AM on February 20 [8 favorites]
You shouldn't be apologizing for what the Charity's leadership has done, which is to drive you out of the org. You shouldn't be apologizing for the Charity's failure to hire a replacement for you. You shouldn't be apologizing for the idea that Sponge is stuck there. A more reasonable question IMHO would be asking why they aren't apologizing to you.
posted by mrgoldenbrown at 8:51 AM on February 20 [8 favorites]
“It was the right time for me to leave, Sponge. I'd been there as long as I could.”
posted by scruss at 9:00 AM on February 20 [3 favorites]
posted by scruss at 9:00 AM on February 20 [3 favorites]
I agree this is crabs in bucket behavior. Sponge and Bob are stuck; you are freeee!! Not to be callous, it is terrible to feel stuck.
Non-profit work has this extra enmeshment, where you are all part of the project which is honorable and glorious and why it's okay to take less money - the mission is critical!! But. Your labor is all you agree to sell, and when the price is too high, it's okay to get out. Your calculus, all the pluses and minuses, is obviously different from that of your colleagues (for instance, they made it clear it was not worth their public recognition of the problems you brought to light!)
Go forth. Reset the relationship with Sponge and Bob, from "stuck in the bucket with you" to "colleagues, I respect your decisions to stay and you made the bucket easier to bear, but I am not staying in it any longer. see you at the next collegial event!"
posted by Lawn Beaver at 9:37 AM on February 20 [3 favorites]
Non-profit work has this extra enmeshment, where you are all part of the project which is honorable and glorious and why it's okay to take less money - the mission is critical!! But. Your labor is all you agree to sell, and when the price is too high, it's okay to get out. Your calculus, all the pluses and minuses, is obviously different from that of your colleagues (for instance, they made it clear it was not worth their public recognition of the problems you brought to light!)
Go forth. Reset the relationship with Sponge and Bob, from "stuck in the bucket with you" to "colleagues, I respect your decisions to stay and you made the bucket easier to bear, but I am not staying in it any longer. see you at the next collegial event!"
posted by Lawn Beaver at 9:37 AM on February 20 [3 favorites]
In a situation similar enough to yours that I reread a few times to check you weren't my coworker, and then I realised I'm the one who left. We had a quiet quit or two while I fought like a dog, and in the end it just became clear that I wasn't going to be able to stop them or change the system so I quit loudly and as messily as I could. The colleauges who resented me for this were frankly part of the problem and by the time it got bad enough for them to complain themselves they were all fired on the day. What I said at the time was "I've done all I can do, staying now helps noone and harms me". My exit was a quite big brick in a wall that is still building, there's been a key wrongdoer moved, another reorganized, there are eyes on the place now. It took me years to "uncrumple" as somone said above, but I'm now doing excellent ethical work that I love and feel pretty proud of the fight I did manage to put up at the bad place. You did your bit, you can come out of fight or flight now and caretake yourself to be able to keep doing good work going forward.
posted by Iteki at 10:39 AM on February 20 [3 favorites]
posted by Iteki at 10:39 AM on February 20 [3 favorites]
You whistleblew. The org took it poorly. You were gonna be forced out of the job once you did that. Either by quitting yourself or they'd can your butt. Either way, once you made that decision, you were gonna be out of that organization. You can't choose to stay any more. If you postponed or un-resigned, they'd make sure you were fired.
You couldn't choose to stay any more, and Sponge and Bob are in denial if they think you can takesy-backsies this.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:59 AM on February 20 [7 favorites]
You couldn't choose to stay any more, and Sponge and Bob are in denial if they think you can takesy-backsies this.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:59 AM on February 20 [7 favorites]
sick system.
If you haven't already, starcrust, please read this essay on how sick systems work. Having worked for dysfunctional nonprofits (though thankfully none as bad as what you describe), a lot of what I read here is very familiar.
I'm so proud of you for taking a stand and choosing to remove yourself, but I think you are still too enmeshed in the culture of your organization to see that you did nothing wrong here. That's not a personal criticism. That's a reflection on how sick systems control people. When I left my most toxic workplace, I knew it was the right thing to do but it wasn't until I'd been gone for a few months that I realized just how toxic it was and how normalized that had gotten for me. I think once you have some space from this situation, you will be able to see that you did the best thing you could.
And I'm really sorry you are getting heat from your coworkers. It really sucks that they let you hang out on a limb by yourself, and are now criticizing you for your response to the abuse you are receiving as a result. But they are also responding to this sick system. I don't think you should apologize. But I do think you should let them know how much you value and will miss them. Once you leave, give yourself some space, then check back in with them in a few months. The perspective you'll have at that point will shock you.
posted by lunasol at 5:20 PM on February 20 [3 favorites]
If you haven't already, starcrust, please read this essay on how sick systems work. Having worked for dysfunctional nonprofits (though thankfully none as bad as what you describe), a lot of what I read here is very familiar.
I'm so proud of you for taking a stand and choosing to remove yourself, but I think you are still too enmeshed in the culture of your organization to see that you did nothing wrong here. That's not a personal criticism. That's a reflection on how sick systems control people. When I left my most toxic workplace, I knew it was the right thing to do but it wasn't until I'd been gone for a few months that I realized just how toxic it was and how normalized that had gotten for me. I think once you have some space from this situation, you will be able to see that you did the best thing you could.
And I'm really sorry you are getting heat from your coworkers. It really sucks that they let you hang out on a limb by yourself, and are now criticizing you for your response to the abuse you are receiving as a result. But they are also responding to this sick system. I don't think you should apologize. But I do think you should let them know how much you value and will miss them. Once you leave, give yourself some space, then check back in with them in a few months. The perspective you'll have at that point will shock you.
posted by lunasol at 5:20 PM on February 20 [3 favorites]
In my 47 year career (after leaving college until retiring) I think the personality trait that throttled my career the most was not realizing how incredibly dense and tangled politics can be. Since I was a computer programmer/developer my natural approach to my job was to identify problems or analyze new requirements, then to design remedial steps or new approaches to create a solution. There were MANY times where my naivete placed me in contact with people who were trying to coax me to take different approaches, and I was stumped as to what their motivation was. Of course, eventually I learned about NIH (Not Invented Here) or JDHC (Justify Department Head Count) or TWG (Tail Wagging the Dog). In the end I think they took the approach with me of "Pay him more and hope he shuts up" plus "Have his suggestions go through his management". I also got a chance to train new employees or team members, which was what I really liked to do. A couple times the company I was working for got bought out and so I went to a different company. Then I retired. I can only assume charity organizations have orders of magnitude more tangled politics. I at least did not have to worry about wrong-doing at my work place. You have my sympathy and I agree with the other answers above.
posted by forthright at 7:15 PM on February 20
posted by forthright at 7:15 PM on February 20
> If your resignation under the circumstances you described is public knowledge within your org, then if you rescind, your management will find an excuse to fire you later. They may also attempt to deflect blame upon you.
Additionally, your life from now to whenever they muster up the number of excuses they think they will need to fire you "safely" is going to be nothing short of a living hell.
You have made the break, the best thing now - both for you AND for the organization - is for you to move on as quickly as possible.
Honestly, given the situation you outlined, I was a bit flabbergasted to realize you were still working there at all. Get out literally the first day you can.
Again, this is the best not only for you but also for that organization and everyone who works there.
posted by flug at 11:35 PM on February 20
Additionally, your life from now to whenever they muster up the number of excuses they think they will need to fire you "safely" is going to be nothing short of a living hell.
You have made the break, the best thing now - both for you AND for the organization - is for you to move on as quickly as possible.
Honestly, given the situation you outlined, I was a bit flabbergasted to realize you were still working there at all. Get out literally the first day you can.
Again, this is the best not only for you but also for that organization and everyone who works there.
posted by flug at 11:35 PM on February 20
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I don't think you owe Sponge the things you feel you do, ethically. You've already made a sacrifice for the greater good, which includes them. It sounds as if the work environment has become hostile and furthermore that you think your resignation will actually ultimately improve things for the company/charity? The ethical thing there is to resign, for the sake of all those affected (including but not limited to yourself). Assuming Sponge is an adult your responsibility to them is to share a sympathetic drink and (maybe, to be kind) give them advice or networking opportunities when you get a job. You are not at all obliged to stay for their sake because they are an adult who need to deal with their own situation, as you do yours. Particularly when your not acting is actually limiting the effect of your earlier sacrifice, assuming you are right about that. But even if not.
posted by jojobobo at 12:26 AM on February 20 [10 favorites]