they tell me this is a good problem to have
February 19, 2025 8:44 AM Subscribe
I am feeling spread way too thin in my life these days and struggling for how to respond to people who are pushing (in a kind, friendly loving way!) for more time with me. I'm too exhausted to even look at the situation clearly or figure out what I need, apart from a seven-year nap in a cave under the sea. So I thought I would kick it to the thoughtful folks here.
So, the deal: I work full time and am the sole income for my household. I also provide a lot of financial and logistical support for my mother, who lives out of state. My salary is enough to make all of this possible, but not easy. It's in fact wildly stressful and puts a lot of pressure on me job-wise. (If you want, you can see other posts for about how well that whole job thing is going. Spoiler: it's going poorly.)
The spreading-thin is happening because my family is fucking enormous, spread out, and all live 6+ hours away. Just to attend the major major events -- weddings, funerals, milestone birthdays -- requires about 4 visits per year. All of my friends are ALSO out of state and ALSO request visits frequently.
My partner is super supportive of my relationship with my family, but their needs absolutely cut into what might otherwise be time for us as a couple. I have started carving out boundaries around the holidays in particular to help fix that. But like...it's been a crazy long time since we could take a fun trip just for us. So when my friends are like "girls weekend wooooo!" it's not that I don't want to, it's just that it pushes something ELSE I want even further down the list.
As the "carefree childfree urban dweller with a remote email job" it's just sort of expected that I travel, because everyone else has kids and "real" jobs where they have to wear suits and go to offices.* But there just isn't time or money for everything and I am exhausted. That tweet "they should invent a friend who lives in your city" is for real. They should invent an ANYONE who lives in my city.
OK that's a lot of blathering with no direct question. I guess my question is: How do I appropriately triage these things and communicate that in a kind, loving fashion? Again I realize this is a privileged asshole problem to have, oh no too much love poor me. But I literally am starting to unravel mentally around all of this. Help?
*Or, very recently in a fun twist for like half my family, they are unemployed now! We're a public service/education kind of crew.
So, the deal: I work full time and am the sole income for my household. I also provide a lot of financial and logistical support for my mother, who lives out of state. My salary is enough to make all of this possible, but not easy. It's in fact wildly stressful and puts a lot of pressure on me job-wise. (If you want, you can see other posts for about how well that whole job thing is going. Spoiler: it's going poorly.)
The spreading-thin is happening because my family is fucking enormous, spread out, and all live 6+ hours away. Just to attend the major major events -- weddings, funerals, milestone birthdays -- requires about 4 visits per year. All of my friends are ALSO out of state and ALSO request visits frequently.
My partner is super supportive of my relationship with my family, but their needs absolutely cut into what might otherwise be time for us as a couple. I have started carving out boundaries around the holidays in particular to help fix that. But like...it's been a crazy long time since we could take a fun trip just for us. So when my friends are like "girls weekend wooooo!" it's not that I don't want to, it's just that it pushes something ELSE I want even further down the list.
As the "carefree childfree urban dweller with a remote email job" it's just sort of expected that I travel, because everyone else has kids and "real" jobs where they have to wear suits and go to offices.* But there just isn't time or money for everything and I am exhausted. That tweet "they should invent a friend who lives in your city" is for real. They should invent an ANYONE who lives in my city.
OK that's a lot of blathering with no direct question. I guess my question is: How do I appropriately triage these things and communicate that in a kind, loving fashion? Again I realize this is a privileged asshole problem to have, oh no too much love poor me. But I literally am starting to unravel mentally around all of this. Help?
*Or, very recently in a fun twist for like half my family, they are unemployed now! We're a public service/education kind of crew.
Please share that you're exhausted and out of batteries with the people who love you. You're clearly burnt out. Let the people who are expressing care about you know this and that the situation is desperate so that they can care for you in the way that you need.
There's no reason a girls' weekend wooooo can't be "hey besties, everyone chip in for a month of meal/cleaning/whatever service for Hardcheese and text her quiet pictures of your napping pets without expecting any response" sometimes. It's okay to ask the people who love you to care for you in the way that you need right now.
posted by phunniemee at 9:08 AM on February 19 [14 favorites]
There's no reason a girls' weekend wooooo can't be "hey besties, everyone chip in for a month of meal/cleaning/whatever service for Hardcheese and text her quiet pictures of your napping pets without expecting any response" sometimes. It's okay to ask the people who love you to care for you in the way that you need right now.
posted by phunniemee at 9:08 AM on February 19 [14 favorites]
I am learning to say no, and it is really, really hard for me. People invite me to do things and if I don't want to do them, can't afford them, don't want to make the money or time sacrifices involved in doing the thing because it means I have to skip something I would rather do .... for DECADES I have felt so badly saying "no" that I would say "yes" anyway.
Some phrases that are newly in my repertoire are things like "I wish I could say yes to that, but I can't do a trip right now" and "I don't have the bandwidth but I miss you too, could we connect by (something you CAN do)." If you want to be jokey about it, which I can with some people and cannot with others, "In THIS economy?!? No but really, I am staying close to home for now."
If you can let people know in advance, too, that can make it easier to communicate in the moment. Tell your friends and family "I'm looking ahead and my next year is really overwhelming to me, my day to day is burning me out and I don't have much bandwidth beyond just getting by. I'm telling you about it so that if I am less available to meet or even to talk, that you know it's not personal. I love you and I wouldn't want you feeling hurt when I can't do as many things."
One thing to look to help you with this might be less a script and more to understand why it is that you have a hard time saying no. What is the underlying assumption? And then fix that, if applicable. For example, I had/have this core unworthiness belief where saying yes to anything my friends wanted helped me feel safe that they would stay friends with me. I actually feel more secure in the relationships now that I know I can say "no" and they still like me. IMO, when you have the underlying assumption handled then it is easier to be, feel and sound sincere when saying what your own needs are. This might not apply to you (figuring out your underlying challenge with saying no), but it was the bigger part of the equation for me.
posted by fennario at 9:16 AM on February 19 [11 favorites]
Some phrases that are newly in my repertoire are things like "I wish I could say yes to that, but I can't do a trip right now" and "I don't have the bandwidth but I miss you too, could we connect by (something you CAN do)." If you want to be jokey about it, which I can with some people and cannot with others, "In THIS economy?!? No but really, I am staying close to home for now."
If you can let people know in advance, too, that can make it easier to communicate in the moment. Tell your friends and family "I'm looking ahead and my next year is really overwhelming to me, my day to day is burning me out and I don't have much bandwidth beyond just getting by. I'm telling you about it so that if I am less available to meet or even to talk, that you know it's not personal. I love you and I wouldn't want you feeling hurt when I can't do as many things."
One thing to look to help you with this might be less a script and more to understand why it is that you have a hard time saying no. What is the underlying assumption? And then fix that, if applicable. For example, I had/have this core unworthiness belief where saying yes to anything my friends wanted helped me feel safe that they would stay friends with me. I actually feel more secure in the relationships now that I know I can say "no" and they still like me. IMO, when you have the underlying assumption handled then it is easier to be, feel and sound sincere when saying what your own needs are. This might not apply to you (figuring out your underlying challenge with saying no), but it was the bigger part of the equation for me.
posted by fennario at 9:16 AM on February 19 [11 favorites]
I told people, “I’m not traveling this year. No, not for holidays either. I love you but I’m exhausted.” Just giving myself one full year with no trips and no threat of them was such a mental relief. This also helped reset expectations that visiting was my sole responsibility.
You can always make private exceptions later based on your own energy levels or the meaningfulness of the event. But for me I had to say no to everything and everyone preemptively just to give myself the mental space to find the feeling of wanting to travel or take trips.
posted by stellaluna at 9:42 AM on February 19 [5 favorites]
You can always make private exceptions later based on your own energy levels or the meaningfulness of the event. But for me I had to say no to everything and everyone preemptively just to give myself the mental space to find the feeling of wanting to travel or take trips.
posted by stellaluna at 9:42 AM on February 19 [5 favorites]
"Sorry, I can't do Girls Weekend, I promised Partner already we'd do a trip that weekend."
Seriously, you should not have to be doing all these trips all the time just because you're unencumbered. Lots of trips is tiring! Zoom exists!
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:22 AM on February 19
Seriously, you should not have to be doing all these trips all the time just because you're unencumbered. Lots of trips is tiring! Zoom exists!
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:22 AM on February 19
Some things to consider while you figure this out:
1. Is that enormous, time demanding family doing everything they can to reduce the load of what you are doing for your mother?
2. What happens when you host stuff? Do they put in the effort you do to attend their stuff? (I consolidate some of my time with friends by hosting so I can see more of them at once.)
3. Does your partner join you and enjoy these things? If no, why? (And is it a sign you may have outgrown some of these people and should recalibrate accordingly?)
4. Why don't you have local friends? For most of us, our lives are better if they are focused on where we live.
5. Are there ways to stay connected online without travel which feel good?
(Bonus question: how did you find friends who have kids and partners AND are available for girls' weekends?!?)
posted by metasarah at 10:23 AM on February 19
1. Is that enormous, time demanding family doing everything they can to reduce the load of what you are doing for your mother?
2. What happens when you host stuff? Do they put in the effort you do to attend their stuff? (I consolidate some of my time with friends by hosting so I can see more of them at once.)
3. Does your partner join you and enjoy these things? If no, why? (And is it a sign you may have outgrown some of these people and should recalibrate accordingly?)
4. Why don't you have local friends? For most of us, our lives are better if they are focused on where we live.
5. Are there ways to stay connected online without travel which feel good?
(Bonus question: how did you find friends who have kids and partners AND are available for girls' weekends?!?)
posted by metasarah at 10:23 AM on February 19
Response by poster: I admit that I absolutely loathe and abhor Zoom and simply will not use it outside of work. I get absolutely nothing whatsoever out of talking to a little square on a screen. So that's on me. (But also nobody else is ever asking for Zooms either.)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:25 AM on February 19 [2 favorites]
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:25 AM on February 19 [2 favorites]
Good job carving out time around the holidays for you and your partner. Your next step is to have inviolable time for you and you alone at least once a week. This cannot be time when you are caring for someone else or fixing someone else's something. This is you time where you do something that interests you.
Then set aside time once a week for you and your partner. Same deal, not time to fix something or discuss logistics, but time for the two of you as a couple. Then schedule that weekend away and do not let any other events or emergencies push it back or cancel it.
Instead of saying yes when people ask you for things (time, money, attention, your presence), tell them you'll look into it or get back to them. This gives you a little space to think about your capacity and say no or offer an alternative that takes less from you.
Seconding to tell people you're exhausted and need help. You can't always be the do-er. Sometimes you need care and rest, too.
After that? You might want to look into burnout and some ideas for handling it.
posted by carrioncomfort at 10:47 AM on February 19
Then set aside time once a week for you and your partner. Same deal, not time to fix something or discuss logistics, but time for the two of you as a couple. Then schedule that weekend away and do not let any other events or emergencies push it back or cancel it.
Instead of saying yes when people ask you for things (time, money, attention, your presence), tell them you'll look into it or get back to them. This gives you a little space to think about your capacity and say no or offer an alternative that takes less from you.
Seconding to tell people you're exhausted and need help. You can't always be the do-er. Sometimes you need care and rest, too.
After that? You might want to look into burnout and some ideas for handling it.
posted by carrioncomfort at 10:47 AM on February 19
Response by poster: (Bonus question: how did you find friends who have kids and partners AND are available for girls' weekends?!?)
Ah you see the thing is, you can have kids and be available for girls weekends when you host the girls' weekends and the other girl has to come to you. Otherwise no they are not available, hence...I need to do the traveling.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:25 AM on February 19
Ah you see the thing is, you can have kids and be available for girls weekends when you host the girls' weekends and the other girl has to come to you. Otherwise no they are not available, hence...I need to do the traveling.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:25 AM on February 19
Speaking as a parent and worker of a challenging job with a difficult to predict schedule ... having children is not the only important kind of family commitment or challenging circumstance to plan around, yours are just as important. I look askance at someone who, assuming they have typical and healthy kids and in the absence of really extenuating circumstances, can never be the one to travel and makes you feel as if therefore you need to be the only one that travels. And requests that you do so frequently? If you need some extra validation in encouragement of saying "no" to this person, I give you heaps of it.
posted by fennario at 12:12 PM on February 19 [4 favorites]
posted by fennario at 12:12 PM on February 19 [4 favorites]
These people love you and are reality based* and will understand but -only- if you tell them what’s happening, and maybe you are not doing that. What if you said something like:
“Thank you, I’m so happy you’re (doing the thing) but I’m exhausted and can’t make it, I’m so sorry”
*public service/education, so I’m extrapolating.
posted by Vatnesine at 1:47 PM on February 19 [2 favorites]
“Thank you, I’m so happy you’re (doing the thing) but I’m exhausted and can’t make it, I’m so sorry”
*public service/education, so I’m extrapolating.
posted by Vatnesine at 1:47 PM on February 19 [2 favorites]
One more thing that helped me was mentally reclassifying these visits from “vacations” to “trips”. In the case of some family members, more akin to “work trips”. That helped me let go of feeling like I should want to go even though I didn’t and stop beating myself up for the gulf between what I thought I should feel and what I was actually feeling. Even if it’s people you love, travel and being away from home is not relaxing or restorative when you’re already maxed out and it is not a vacation! This also helped me better assess how much energy, time, and money a trip was really going to take out of me so I could say yes or no accordingly.
posted by stellaluna at 2:25 PM on February 19 [6 favorites]
posted by stellaluna at 2:25 PM on February 19 [6 favorites]
It can sometimes be helpful to remember that saying no, or saying yes, to one particular thing doesn't mean that you're setting a quasi-legal precedent that requires documentation and argument. If you're tired now, say no to the thing that's happening soon. If you feel better later, you can say yes if someone invites you on a similar thing. If you don't feel like you get enough time with your partner now, you can prioritize that relationship. If that changes later because circumstances have changed, then great, you can rebalance things.
I used to get myself tied up in knots a lot because I felt like any given decision meant that I was locked into that stance forever. But you get to change your mind and priorities on stuff, and you get to make those decisions based on how you feel and what's important to you at the moment. Sometimes reminding myself of that can relieve some of the pressure I put on myself.
posted by lapis at 3:15 PM on February 19 [6 favorites]
I used to get myself tied up in knots a lot because I felt like any given decision meant that I was locked into that stance forever. But you get to change your mind and priorities on stuff, and you get to make those decisions based on how you feel and what's important to you at the moment. Sometimes reminding myself of that can relieve some of the pressure I put on myself.
posted by lapis at 3:15 PM on February 19 [6 favorites]
You're going to have to screw up your courage and figure out how to say no. So simple and so, so difficult. Maybe you could compose a careful text or email in advance of the next invite to say, "I love you all so much, and I am so exhausted right now. I am going to have to cut back on visits to Your Town. It's hard for me to say no, but I am just running myself ragged and it's not sustainable."
It might be helpful if you stop and consider what's at the heart of always saying yes. Do you have some fears (deep down) that if you don't do all the things, your friends will stop inviting you and will reject you? Do you think missing one second cousin's wedding will signal to the family that you don't value them and they'll never want to talk to you again?
The thing is, you don't need actual conflicting events and reasons to say no. Have you heard of therapist Nedra Tawwab? She has a book called Set Boundaries Find Peace that uses as a starting example someone exactly like you, a person who is doing way too many things and can't figure out how to do them all. She said this is an example of poor boundaries.
One thing you might do: decide in advance how often you'll go. Maybe 5 times a year total? Once a season? Whatever makes sense for you.
Stellaluna also hit on something I realized recently: I was super stressed planning a trip home, and a friend said, "You are stressed because you don't need a trip; you need a vacation. A trip to visit your family isn't a vacation."
Do read that Nedra Tawwab book. She's great.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:45 PM on February 19 [2 favorites]
It might be helpful if you stop and consider what's at the heart of always saying yes. Do you have some fears (deep down) that if you don't do all the things, your friends will stop inviting you and will reject you? Do you think missing one second cousin's wedding will signal to the family that you don't value them and they'll never want to talk to you again?
The thing is, you don't need actual conflicting events and reasons to say no. Have you heard of therapist Nedra Tawwab? She has a book called Set Boundaries Find Peace that uses as a starting example someone exactly like you, a person who is doing way too many things and can't figure out how to do them all. She said this is an example of poor boundaries.
One thing you might do: decide in advance how often you'll go. Maybe 5 times a year total? Once a season? Whatever makes sense for you.
Stellaluna also hit on something I realized recently: I was super stressed planning a trip home, and a friend said, "You are stressed because you don't need a trip; you need a vacation. A trip to visit your family isn't a vacation."
Do read that Nedra Tawwab book. She's great.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:45 PM on February 19 [2 favorites]
Take a step back and envision what an ideal year looks like based on what you want to do… not what others expect you to do. What’s your highest priority? Least? What did you miss most during COVID? What came as a secret relief?
If that’s too much to even think about right now, send a mass email / text to family and friends letting them know, that you are experiencing burn out right now, and will be largely incommunicado for the next month (or three, or six).
Adult friendships in particular ebb and flow, and have different periods of give and take. You don’t have to give 100% all the time to have solid friendships with true friends. Girls weekend? You are available the weekend of xx or yy since you will be in town for [family event]. Otherwise you will need to ask for a rain check, and would love to go for coffee/ drinks with folks the next time you are in town.
Just because you don't have the parent of young children difficulty level setting or the in person office robot setting, doesn’t mean your life isn’t without its own challenges. You deserve at least as much compassion and consideration from your friends and family as you extend to them.
posted by oceano at 6:49 PM on February 19 [1 favorite]
If that’s too much to even think about right now, send a mass email / text to family and friends letting them know, that you are experiencing burn out right now, and will be largely incommunicado for the next month (or three, or six).
Adult friendships in particular ebb and flow, and have different periods of give and take. You don’t have to give 100% all the time to have solid friendships with true friends. Girls weekend? You are available the weekend of xx or yy since you will be in town for [family event]. Otherwise you will need to ask for a rain check, and would love to go for coffee/ drinks with folks the next time you are in town.
Just because you don't have the parent of young children difficulty level setting or the in person office robot setting, doesn’t mean your life isn’t without its own challenges. You deserve at least as much compassion and consideration from your friends and family as you extend to them.
posted by oceano at 6:49 PM on February 19 [1 favorite]
I guess my question is: How do I appropriately triage these things and communicate that in a kind, loving fashion?
Sometimes you don't! Sometimes, "I'm sorry I just can't right now" is the only answer people get. Your friends are your friends, if they know your life and how busy you are, they'll still be your friends, they'll get it.
One of the most important lessons I learned as an adult, when I became an adult, is that I can't manage people's reactions to things - I can only manage the things. And if I'm broke, and tired, and can't afford to go on a fun weekend away, I'm not going to expend energy crafting the perfect email letting people down easy about it. I'm gonna say 'I'm sorry, I just can't, it's not a good time for me. You all go, have a blast, I'll look at the pics and I can't wait to hear the stories' and that'll have to do.
But there just isn't time or money for everything and I am exhausted.
That's real. No need to sugarcoat it. Life works like that sometimes, and that's OK. You need to do things that work for you in a way that succeeds for you. Don't overthink how people might feel about it; your plate is full right now, so take care of what's on your plate and let other people's plates get taken care of by their owners.
posted by pdb at 8:12 PM on February 19 [2 favorites]
Sometimes you don't! Sometimes, "I'm sorry I just can't right now" is the only answer people get. Your friends are your friends, if they know your life and how busy you are, they'll still be your friends, they'll get it.
One of the most important lessons I learned as an adult, when I became an adult, is that I can't manage people's reactions to things - I can only manage the things. And if I'm broke, and tired, and can't afford to go on a fun weekend away, I'm not going to expend energy crafting the perfect email letting people down easy about it. I'm gonna say 'I'm sorry, I just can't, it's not a good time for me. You all go, have a blast, I'll look at the pics and I can't wait to hear the stories' and that'll have to do.
But there just isn't time or money for everything and I am exhausted.
That's real. No need to sugarcoat it. Life works like that sometimes, and that's OK. You need to do things that work for you in a way that succeeds for you. Don't overthink how people might feel about it; your plate is full right now, so take care of what's on your plate and let other people's plates get taken care of by their owners.
posted by pdb at 8:12 PM on February 19 [2 favorites]
throw an occasional party at your home and invite everyone you know
the people who really want to see you will eventually come to one of your parties
turn down invites to do other stuff with "oh I'm sorry I can't, but I hope I'll see you at my party on [date]?"
posted by Jacqueline at 12:16 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]
the people who really want to see you will eventually come to one of your parties
turn down invites to do other stuff with "oh I'm sorry I can't, but I hope I'll see you at my party on [date]?"
posted by Jacqueline at 12:16 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]
Would it be helpful to hear that you do not have to go to everything to be loved and valued. If you start making yourself sometimes available, rather than always available, good people will quickly get used to that and we do not need to worry about not good people.
posted by plonkee at 1:23 AM on February 20
posted by plonkee at 1:23 AM on February 20
Response by poster: I feel like I've been a bit unclear here and perhaps mostly because I was writing from a position of exasperation...I want to do all these things! And really want, not "feel obligated" or "am being held emotionally hostage about it." If I were wealthy I'd do nothing BUT travel to see people. But instead I'm broke and have to work all the time, so I have to pick and choose, and I don't know how I'm supposed to decide which things are important enough to make the cut.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:11 AM on February 20
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:11 AM on February 20
Response by poster: Or, for that matter, then after I have said no to all the good stuff, how to deal with the heartbreak of missing so much in the lives of the people I care about.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:19 AM on February 20
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:19 AM on February 20
If money is the limiting factor, and you're extended to the max because of helping your mom, are there other family members you could ask to contribute to her care? Not the unemployed relatives, obviously, but is there anyone else? Your relationships may vary, but in my own family I would have zero problem saying something like, "I really want to come to everyone's birthday parties/graduations/weddings this year, but I am tapped out financially from helping Mom with [xyz expenses]. Is there any way you could help me with this?"
If this isn't possible, can your partner contribute financially to your own household in a way that takes the pressure off you? At the very least, can they foot the bill for any travel the two of you might do together this year?
posted by little mouth at 8:13 AM on February 20
If this isn't possible, can your partner contribute financially to your own household in a way that takes the pressure off you? At the very least, can they foot the bill for any travel the two of you might do together this year?
posted by little mouth at 8:13 AM on February 20
The Tawwan book is relevant: she writes about people who want to but can’t do it all. She writes about a woman who is looking for a magical solution and way to organize her life to try to do all the things.
A big part of life is accepting that resources like time are limited. If you say yes to hanging out with friends an extra weekend, you say no to mental health and calm. Middle age means accepting we don’t get to have everything and then, maybe, trying to be intentional about what we do do.
I think many of the answers here are still relevant. Focus less on ones that seem off and take the kernels from the ones that might help.
In your life you’ve got a lot of competing priorities:
Work
Caretaking your spouse (maybe?)
Supporting your mom
Visiting friends
Attending family events
Something’s gotta give. We can’t decide for you.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:48 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]
A big part of life is accepting that resources like time are limited. If you say yes to hanging out with friends an extra weekend, you say no to mental health and calm. Middle age means accepting we don’t get to have everything and then, maybe, trying to be intentional about what we do do.
I think many of the answers here are still relevant. Focus less on ones that seem off and take the kernels from the ones that might help.
In your life you’ve got a lot of competing priorities:
Work
Caretaking your spouse (maybe?)
Supporting your mom
Visiting friends
Attending family events
Something’s gotta give. We can’t decide for you.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:48 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]
Unfortunately, Time Turners do not exist. You're going to have exhaustion or FOMO.
If your question is, how do I triage, the first thing you need to do is figure out how tired, broke, etc. you are and on a scale of 1-whatever, how important that is to you to get some rest. If you desperately want to go on Girls Weekend but can't get out of bed for exhaustion, then the exhaustion wins. If you do budgeting, how much time and money can you use to travel every weekend to people. If you have enough money for 2 weekend trips this month, of the offered options, if you are forced to choose from 4 trips, which of the 2 are your top favorites? If you absolutely CANNOT DECIDE, that's the time for coin flipping.
You're going to have to accept missing out if being in person is The Only Way and there's no compromise options you want to do. The body will eventually win out if you keep pushing and never take a break. The money will run out, etc.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:06 AM on February 20
If your question is, how do I triage, the first thing you need to do is figure out how tired, broke, etc. you are and on a scale of 1-whatever, how important that is to you to get some rest. If you desperately want to go on Girls Weekend but can't get out of bed for exhaustion, then the exhaustion wins. If you do budgeting, how much time and money can you use to travel every weekend to people. If you have enough money for 2 weekend trips this month, of the offered options, if you are forced to choose from 4 trips, which of the 2 are your top favorites? If you absolutely CANNOT DECIDE, that's the time for coin flipping.
You're going to have to accept missing out if being in person is The Only Way and there's no compromise options you want to do. The body will eventually win out if you keep pushing and never take a break. The money will run out, etc.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:06 AM on February 20
Ok, I'm the worst at this sort of stuff, but as "the one who lives away" I recognise. My own mother came to visit me twice in the 30 years I've lived away. The one who is away has to do all the lifting, it's very sad but I think it's mainly true. I would, being s programmer, approach this from a super pragmatic angle. I would make a lil spreadsheet as if I were making a wedding invite list. The wedding is me to myself because I'm putting me first, the only other person who will is my partner (which is reasonable but I need to remind myself of it).
I would organise all these friends and family into circles closer and further from me in terms of cost/benefit, got forgive me. Do they "cost" me more energy than they give, on average? Is there more or less reciprocity, do we have much or little in common, etc. Whatever is a valuable metric for you. Presumably this is going to show up as bigger outer and smaller inner circles. Then I would see who is in what circle, maybe tie events to it, like no more christenings for this circle no 30th birthdays but keep 21sts and 50ths or whatever. And then in each circle I would identify the person with the most ability to kindly hear, spread and perhaps take s lead on ameliorating the news that you can't travel the way you used to, and are on the way to carer burnout and need to focus your flame. That you love people contacting you but your responses are going to be a little delayed, and that you are always open to visits or things happening s little closer to you.
You do probably need to build a network and friends closer to you, this is probably only going to get worse, out of sight out of mind is s harsh way to put it, but object permanence is a hell of a drug.
posted by Iteki at 12:17 AM on February 21
I would organise all these friends and family into circles closer and further from me in terms of cost/benefit, got forgive me. Do they "cost" me more energy than they give, on average? Is there more or less reciprocity, do we have much or little in common, etc. Whatever is a valuable metric for you. Presumably this is going to show up as bigger outer and smaller inner circles. Then I would see who is in what circle, maybe tie events to it, like no more christenings for this circle no 30th birthdays but keep 21sts and 50ths or whatever. And then in each circle I would identify the person with the most ability to kindly hear, spread and perhaps take s lead on ameliorating the news that you can't travel the way you used to, and are on the way to carer burnout and need to focus your flame. That you love people contacting you but your responses are going to be a little delayed, and that you are always open to visits or things happening s little closer to you.
You do probably need to build a network and friends closer to you, this is probably only going to get worse, out of sight out of mind is s harsh way to put it, but object permanence is a hell of a drug.
posted by Iteki at 12:17 AM on February 21
When people ask me to do fun stuff that I don't have the bandwidth for, I try to remind myself that it wouldn't be good for the relationship if I show up too exhausted and cranky to enjoy it. That helps me feel more free to turn things down. I'm sorry! It feels like a frivolous problem but it's real.
posted by ferret branca at 7:33 AM on February 28
posted by ferret branca at 7:33 AM on February 28
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For some friends and family, I've taken to giving a little schtick about how "I can't participate in X on Y days/holidays/weeks, because my partner travels quite a bit, and I need to make sure to carve out time for them/for the relationship."
This works surprisingly well. I thought for a few years that people weren't hearing it, but friends started mentioning it back to me when planning things, so apparently it does work. (Note: Friends respect this boundary better than family does. But family can also take a stronger reminder that this is an actual boundary.)
I also used to have a friend who decided that she'd resolve the endless pressure to travel for visits by inverting the equation. Now, she'd still travel--usually once a year for family and once a year for friends--but everything else was framed as "we're doing ____ and would love to see you here if you want to come see us." And in big-gathering scenarios, she'd set up nights at bars or museums, etc. where people could convene to hang out and spend time. She never hosted these as events--more as just drop-ins to hang out. Come if you like. If not, I'll still be there.
posted by yellowcandy at 9:07 AM on February 19 [5 favorites]