It's giving: harassed, wistful, histrionic
January 29, 2025 7:05 AM Subscribe
My favorite work joke has become threadbare and worn from overuse and I need new and creative ways to deliver the same energy as "I'm going to fill my pockets with [TPS reports] and walk into the sea."
Thank you. The world is in shambles and these are desperate times, every bit of levity helps.
Thank you. The world is in shambles and these are desperate times, every bit of levity helps.
I love this question and am going to hopefully come back to it with something better once I think of it but the joke that gets the most mileage in my place is usually an extremely dry “that’s why they pay me the big bucks” when you receive thank yous for the most trivial requests, particularly ones outside your normal job duties (thank you for telling me how to spell a word, can you hand me the stapler, etc). however this might only go over well if you are working with a bunch of underpaid research assistants
posted by crime online at 8:47 AM on January 29 [6 favorites]
posted by crime online at 8:47 AM on January 29 [6 favorites]
This isn’t exactly a joke but I always think it’s funny. Whenever you have to say something potentially boring, that people won’t pay attention to, preface it with “please try to contain your excitement, people…” This also works to say after someone says or posts something and there is uncomfortable silence.
posted by oxisos at 9:06 AM on January 29 [1 favorite]
posted by oxisos at 9:06 AM on January 29 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I recently re-posted a meme:
How can you make jokes at a time like this?
The dark sense of humor is load-bearing.
It resonates. I'd needlepoint that 2nd line on a pillow if I were a person who did needlepoint.
posted by theora55 at 9:07 AM on January 29 [11 favorites]
How can you make jokes at a time like this?
The dark sense of humor is load-bearing.
It resonates. I'd needlepoint that 2nd line on a pillow if I were a person who did needlepoint.
posted by theora55 at 9:07 AM on January 29 [11 favorites]
"Please, don't thank me, the combination of my salary, continued employment and sensitive management is what really keeps me going!"
posted by forthright at 9:08 AM on January 29 [3 favorites]
posted by forthright at 9:08 AM on January 29 [3 favorites]
'It's the kind of thing for the kind of people who like that kind of thing!' has occasionally been useful to me.
’The beatings will continue until morale improves' is helpful when they're taking something away from you and touting that as a benefit.
posted by jamjam at 9:47 AM on January 29 [1 favorite]
’The beatings will continue until morale improves' is helpful when they're taking something away from you and touting that as a benefit.
posted by jamjam at 9:47 AM on January 29 [1 favorite]
"I'm going to lunch. Do you want anything from Morocco?" (change countries every time)
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:01 AM on January 29 [8 favorites]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:01 AM on January 29 [8 favorites]
"The best thing about this job is that I have five bosses to choose from."
"Just one more little project, wafer thin."
"Did you know there are special asylums just for [job title]s?"
"Somewhere, some place in the universe, everything makes sense."
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:14 AM on January 29 [2 favorites]
"Just one more little project, wafer thin."
"Did you know there are special asylums just for [job title]s?"
"Somewhere, some place in the universe, everything makes sense."
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:14 AM on January 29 [2 favorites]
Simpsons fan? I enjoy a good Kent Brockman intonation of "I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords" but replace with TPS report specifics.
Also relevant: know your meme reports: "On December 18th, 2002, a post titled “I for one welcome our new __ overlords” was submitted to the community blog Metafilter[21] by user ao4047, who inquired the origins of the phrasal template. Many replies to the post cited the “Deep Space Homer” Simpsons episode as the first use of the phrase."
posted by lizard music at 10:34 AM on January 29 [5 favorites]
Also relevant: know your meme reports: "On December 18th, 2002, a post titled “I for one welcome our new __ overlords” was submitted to the community blog Metafilter[21] by user ao4047, who inquired the origins of the phrasal template. Many replies to the post cited the “Deep Space Homer” Simpsons episode as the first use of the phrase."
posted by lizard music at 10:34 AM on January 29 [5 favorites]
A former boss always replied to "how are you today?" or the equivalent with either "Better than I deserve!" or "I woke up today!" His dad liked the line "Still on this side of the dirt!"
posted by stormyteal at 10:46 AM on January 29 [3 favorites]
posted by stormyteal at 10:46 AM on January 29 [3 favorites]
In line with stormyteal, there's "the dirt is still down, rather than up, so there's that."
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 11:01 AM on January 29 [1 favorite]
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 11:01 AM on January 29 [1 favorite]
In between walking into the sea, I frequently yeet things or myself into the sun.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:03 AM on January 29 [7 favorites]
posted by Lyn Never at 11:03 AM on January 29 [7 favorites]
This too shall pass. Said regardless of what the other person says goof or bad.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:46 AM on January 29 [1 favorite]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:46 AM on January 29 [1 favorite]
I once had a coworker who would reply to "how are you?" by sighing heavily and then saying "better than ever," which made me laugh every time he did it.
posted by Ragged Richard at 12:35 PM on January 29 [9 favorites]
posted by Ragged Richard at 12:35 PM on January 29 [9 favorites]
Courtesy of my prior coworker's obsession with demotivational posters:
"I like to live my life as a warning to others."
"Moving forwards is better than backwards even if you're still getting nowhere"
"The first step towards failure is trying."
"A few flakes can cause an avalanche"
posted by warriorqueen at 1:01 PM on January 29 [2 favorites]
"I like to live my life as a warning to others."
"Moving forwards is better than backwards even if you're still getting nowhere"
"The first step towards failure is trying."
"A few flakes can cause an avalanche"
posted by warriorqueen at 1:01 PM on January 29 [2 favorites]
How about 'no battle plan survives first contact with the enemy'?
Or Machiavelli's 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer'.
Or 'a little bit too much is just enough for me'.
posted by jamjam at 2:31 PM on January 29 [1 favorite]
Or Machiavelli's 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer'.
Or 'a little bit too much is just enough for me'.
posted by jamjam at 2:31 PM on January 29 [1 favorite]
Can’t help but think of ‘The horrors persist, but so do I’.
posted by lokta at 3:51 PM on January 29 [14 favorites]
posted by lokta at 3:51 PM on January 29 [14 favorites]
I regularly threaten to my manager that I’m going to run away and join the circus.
posted by skycrashesdown at 4:01 PM on January 29
posted by skycrashesdown at 4:01 PM on January 29
So it goes.
posted by ainsleymoon at 7:56 PM on January 29 [2 favorites]
posted by ainsleymoon at 7:56 PM on January 29 [2 favorites]
I still appreciate a well-timed “Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?”
After a certain kind of serious moment I say “executive producer Dick Wolf.”
There are a lot of good melodramatic references to make and i think they often get funnier with repetition (despite being told they don’t, of course). It’s always fun to throw out a “flames on the side of my face” from Clue or similar lines from movies or songs. Comments about updating wills, asking who wants your jewels, etc (if delivered right) are good, as are funeral requests: “Please don’t let them play ‘I Hope You Dance’ at my funeral.”
(Obv, death/ funeral ones have varying levels of okayness.)
posted by mermaidcafe at 8:08 PM on January 29 [2 favorites]
After a certain kind of serious moment I say “executive producer Dick Wolf.”
There are a lot of good melodramatic references to make and i think they often get funnier with repetition (despite being told they don’t, of course). It’s always fun to throw out a “flames on the side of my face” from Clue or similar lines from movies or songs. Comments about updating wills, asking who wants your jewels, etc (if delivered right) are good, as are funeral requests: “Please don’t let them play ‘I Hope You Dance’ at my funeral.”
(Obv, death/ funeral ones have varying levels of okayness.)
posted by mermaidcafe at 8:08 PM on January 29 [2 favorites]
Going down to Memphis, gotta dollar in my shoe > Going down to Memphis, a TPS report in my shoe.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 8:20 PM on January 29 [1 favorite]
posted by a humble nudibranch at 8:20 PM on January 29 [1 favorite]
"How's life?"
"Better than the alternative."
posted by slimepuppy at 4:04 AM on January 30 [1 favorite]
"Better than the alternative."
posted by slimepuppy at 4:04 AM on January 30 [1 favorite]
"in case of fire, please throw laptop in"
posted by mmascolino at 7:37 AM on January 30 [2 favorites]
posted by mmascolino at 7:37 AM on January 30 [2 favorites]
"How you doing?" "Can't complain, now that they've made it a sacking offence."
"Got to go, I've been asked to change dead horses in mid stream"
"May the course of your life be paved with good intentions" [you might want to wait for gravity to work its magic on the penny]
posted by BCMagee at 2:39 PM on January 30 [2 favorites]
"Got to go, I've been asked to change dead horses in mid stream"
"May the course of your life be paved with good intentions" [you might want to wait for gravity to work its magic on the penny]
posted by BCMagee at 2:39 PM on January 30 [2 favorites]
I use “that’s why they pay me (you, whoever) the medium bucks.” (Emphasizes that we are not getting big bucks)
Also said in a joking tone but serious “if this were easy or fun it wouldn’t be called a job.”
“How about we light in on fire and try again after lunch?”
posted by bilabial at 6:04 AM on January 31 [1 favorite]
Also said in a joking tone but serious “if this were easy or fun it wouldn’t be called a job.”
“How about we light in on fire and try again after lunch?”
posted by bilabial at 6:04 AM on January 31 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I feel like everyone's throwing out their favorite jokey office lines, but no one's trying to match the example's tone one bit.
But it's tough! "...fill my pockets with [TPS reports] and walk into the sea" is so singularly good!
Some fragmented stabs that'll maybe spark a better idea or two:
Oh, I'll be in my office, plastering the walls with [TPS reports] and fur.
When you find my body under a mound of [TPS reports], please let everyone know I tried.
When I stare up at the moon I feel comforted knowing [TPS Reports] are out there thinking of me, too.
(or When I go to bed at night, staring listlessly at the ceiling, I feel comforted knowing [TPS Reports] are out there thinking of me, too.)
It's all [TPS reports], wouldn't you say? Can you think of anything that's not [TPS reports]? We live in [TPS reports] houses and eat from [TPS reports] dishware and drive to work in [TPS reports] cars on [TPS reports] roads and I wouldn't dare suggest I'm getting tired of [TPS reports] -- they've been so good to me -- but, fine, I might be getting a little bit tired of [TPS reports].
posted by nobody at 9:36 AM on January 31
But it's tough! "...fill my pockets with [TPS reports] and walk into the sea" is so singularly good!
Some fragmented stabs that'll maybe spark a better idea or two:
Oh, I'll be in my office, plastering the walls with [TPS reports] and fur.
When you find my body under a mound of [TPS reports], please let everyone know I tried.
When I stare up at the moon I feel comforted knowing [TPS Reports] are out there thinking of me, too.
(or When I go to bed at night, staring listlessly at the ceiling, I feel comforted knowing [TPS Reports] are out there thinking of me, too.)
It's all [TPS reports], wouldn't you say? Can you think of anything that's not [TPS reports]? We live in [TPS reports] houses and eat from [TPS reports] dishware and drive to work in [TPS reports] cars on [TPS reports] roads and I wouldn't dare suggest I'm getting tired of [TPS reports] -- they've been so good to me -- but, fine, I might be getting a little bit tired of [TPS reports].
posted by nobody at 9:36 AM on January 31
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posted by Countess Elena at 8:18 AM on January 29 [14 favorites]