Leaving a much-loved home. Can you suggest some healing activities?
January 28, 2025 3:12 PM Subscribe
After a year-long battle with a hostile landlord, we've found a new apartment. We're really happy about that, but the transition is difficult. We'd like to say goodbye to our old place in some meaningful way.
We had high hopes for our time in this house, and the emotional toll of this situation is immense. Feeling hated is incredibly painful. The landlord's stalking, yelling, and harassment of our visitors made it impossible for us to relax at home. We desperately need to be in a safe place to regain calm. Fortunately, our new apartment has the potential to be that place.
We have access to our old house for three more days. It's almost empty now (still has a functioning kitchen). We'd like to spend an hour or so there to process everything that has happened. Random thoughts about this:
- we'll miss the house, but mostly the backyard
- there are some nice spots we are banned from - walnut tree, "beach", orchard
- in an ideal scenario, I'd like to walk around the backyard with the dogs one last time
- we're sure to get yelled at if we try this
- I've made friends with the landlord's (neglected) chickens, and I'll miss them a lot
- my husband will probably be sad about the trees we planted (too big to take)
- we will also miss the view of the forest (and the forest itself)
I've thought of listening to a guided meditation, maybe something about moving or transitioning. Any other ideas? Can't do incense, immediate headache. Thanks in advance!
We had high hopes for our time in this house, and the emotional toll of this situation is immense. Feeling hated is incredibly painful. The landlord's stalking, yelling, and harassment of our visitors made it impossible for us to relax at home. We desperately need to be in a safe place to regain calm. Fortunately, our new apartment has the potential to be that place.
We have access to our old house for three more days. It's almost empty now (still has a functioning kitchen). We'd like to spend an hour or so there to process everything that has happened. Random thoughts about this:
- we'll miss the house, but mostly the backyard
- there are some nice spots we are banned from - walnut tree, "beach", orchard
- in an ideal scenario, I'd like to walk around the backyard with the dogs one last time
- we're sure to get yelled at if we try this
- I've made friends with the landlord's (neglected) chickens, and I'll miss them a lot
- my husband will probably be sad about the trees we planted (too big to take)
- we will also miss the view of the forest (and the forest itself)
I've thought of listening to a guided meditation, maybe something about moving or transitioning. Any other ideas? Can't do incense, immediate headache. Thanks in advance!
I might consider bringing a nice piece of paper or notebook and a favorite pen and writing a goodbye letter as a journaling exercise while sitting on the floor or outside, enjoying the view (probably inside, though, so there's no yelling).
I would also have fun and distracting plans for immediately after. For example, go out to a fun movie or meet up with friends.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:16 PM on January 28 [2 favorites]
I would also have fun and distracting plans for immediately after. For example, go out to a fun movie or meet up with friends.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:16 PM on January 28 [2 favorites]
For what it's worth, there are two places I have lived that feel like they are a part of me, in a way so that I don't even miss them. Is there a way to decide that the good things here are part of you now? So you are leaving the bad and holding onto the good.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:17 PM on January 28 [7 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 4:17 PM on January 28 [7 favorites]
Depending on how old the house is and where you are, there may be many years’ worth of images, maps, news stories and public records like census data you can access for free online or through a library (many libraries run an “Ask A Librarian” service that can connect you to all kinds of neat information about a property).
You could use what you find to see your home through time, and whenever you feel wistful, pull up a copy of the 1907 newspaper you found advertising the lot for sale, the 1930 census record showing the names and ages and relationships and nationalities and occupations and literacies (!) of the residents, or the 1964 photograph of the house in the background of a news story about the city’s seventh annual Arbor Day parade.
Your landlord might continue to own the wood, the plaster, and the slate, but no one owns the soul of a home. You can, however, visit it in forms your landlord never imagined.
Good luck with your move!
posted by mdonley at 4:58 PM on January 28
You could use what you find to see your home through time, and whenever you feel wistful, pull up a copy of the 1907 newspaper you found advertising the lot for sale, the 1930 census record showing the names and ages and relationships and nationalities and occupations and literacies (!) of the residents, or the 1964 photograph of the house in the background of a news story about the city’s seventh annual Arbor Day parade.
Your landlord might continue to own the wood, the plaster, and the slate, but no one owns the soul of a home. You can, however, visit it in forms your landlord never imagined.
Good luck with your move!
posted by mdonley at 4:58 PM on January 28
My answer may not work for you, but my suggestion is: nothing.
I'm in the midst of a somewhat similar circumstance, finally having to sell the house that my brother, sister and I grew up in, and which we visited endlessly after growing up, because my parents still lived there. We've considered every possible way to "keep the house in the family," but are finally saying goodbye to the house, the yard and the neighborhood. It hurts.
But I realized after much soul searching and much contemplation of the "right way to say goodbye," that there is none. There is no ceremony or "last meal at the table," or anything like that which could make the parting any more or any less meaningful. The memories I have are what I will cherish. Nothing can take those away.
Sure, get some videos or photos of anything you don't already have pictures of. But you'll find they turn out to be fairly trivial reminders of what you already have in your memory.
Your situation and mine are different, but if I were to make a suggestion, it would be to do what I plan: lock the door and drive away without looking back. You'll look back plenty often in your memories.
posted by wjm at 4:59 PM on January 28 [5 favorites]
I'm in the midst of a somewhat similar circumstance, finally having to sell the house that my brother, sister and I grew up in, and which we visited endlessly after growing up, because my parents still lived there. We've considered every possible way to "keep the house in the family," but are finally saying goodbye to the house, the yard and the neighborhood. It hurts.
But I realized after much soul searching and much contemplation of the "right way to say goodbye," that there is none. There is no ceremony or "last meal at the table," or anything like that which could make the parting any more or any less meaningful. The memories I have are what I will cherish. Nothing can take those away.
Sure, get some videos or photos of anything you don't already have pictures of. But you'll find they turn out to be fairly trivial reminders of what you already have in your memory.
Your situation and mine are different, but if I were to make a suggestion, it would be to do what I plan: lock the door and drive away without looking back. You'll look back plenty often in your memories.
posted by wjm at 4:59 PM on January 28 [5 favorites]
Try to do some harm to your landlord within the bounds of the law. (Not offering this as a joke; this is what I'd do.)
posted by kensington314 at 5:45 PM on January 28 [4 favorites]
posted by kensington314 at 5:45 PM on January 28 [4 favorites]
Try to do some harm to your landlord within the bounds of the law.
Seconded. Put a curse on that motherfucker.
posted by fiercekitten at 6:10 PM on January 28 [1 favorite]
Seconded. Put a curse on that motherfucker.
posted by fiercekitten at 6:10 PM on January 28 [1 favorite]
when we moved away from Seattle in 2021, we sold the first house we bought. it had fifteen+ years of fights, of parties, of retreating, of gardening. the move out was excruciating for all the normal reasons packing up is, in addition to a hundred degree heat wave with no AC, a sudden periodontic surgery and a cat dying of cancer. we were raw by the end and what felt like 3 or 4 steps away from divorce. Ms. Inhabitant couldn't deal anymore and went to the hotel for the afternoon. The house was empty and the cleaners had already finished.
I went through each of the rooms and touched something in every room, remembered something of that space when it wasn't empty, remember someone who wasn't the two of us standing there and doing something with us. did the same in the backyard - touching the raspberry canes that we picked every summer and the grape arbor we built with a friend's son was almost too much to bear. I took a few pictures, none that felt as special as the ones when we were still living there. I still mourn that house a bit, though I love our new digs on the opposite coast.
all that to echo what wjm said - there isn't much else to do with it, except those memories you already had. if you need one more physical encounter to get those memories to emerge, go for it. you're looking at Yorick's bones, not poor Yorick.
posted by SoundInhabitant at 8:18 AM on January 29 [2 favorites]
I went through each of the rooms and touched something in every room, remembered something of that space when it wasn't empty, remember someone who wasn't the two of us standing there and doing something with us. did the same in the backyard - touching the raspberry canes that we picked every summer and the grape arbor we built with a friend's son was almost too much to bear. I took a few pictures, none that felt as special as the ones when we were still living there. I still mourn that house a bit, though I love our new digs on the opposite coast.
all that to echo what wjm said - there isn't much else to do with it, except those memories you already had. if you need one more physical encounter to get those memories to emerge, go for it. you're looking at Yorick's bones, not poor Yorick.
posted by SoundInhabitant at 8:18 AM on January 29 [2 favorites]
This isn't so much a suggestion, but another story to give a sense of how one says goodbye:
On the very last day in my late mother's apartment, when it was finally empty, I took some photos, which I immediately knew would do little to salve my heart. So instead I told my husband the story of each renovation my mom had done, as we walked around the place. She and I always loved talking about home decor and design, and I had helped her make the decisions. It was a way of looking at each place where she had left her mark. By the time I finished, I felt ready to go, to walk out the door and lock it for the last time.
So that's my suggestion, like others have said: walk around the empty space, telling the stories of the improvements you made (improvements can mean the memories you made there). And by the time you finish, I think you will feel ready to go.
posted by CiaoMela at 10:53 AM on January 29 [1 favorite]
On the very last day in my late mother's apartment, when it was finally empty, I took some photos, which I immediately knew would do little to salve my heart. So instead I told my husband the story of each renovation my mom had done, as we walked around the place. She and I always loved talking about home decor and design, and I had helped her make the decisions. It was a way of looking at each place where she had left her mark. By the time I finished, I felt ready to go, to walk out the door and lock it for the last time.
So that's my suggestion, like others have said: walk around the empty space, telling the stories of the improvements you made (improvements can mean the memories you made there). And by the time you finish, I think you will feel ready to go.
posted by CiaoMela at 10:53 AM on January 29 [1 favorite]
as an autistic person who moved a lot as a child, I tend to attach myself to houses I live in. one thing I try to do before I move (and while I live somewhere, if I can), is walk the property at a time when the light is nice like early in the morning or at dusk and just go slowly and remember everything that happened when we lived there. I usually take some photos or videos of the little things i’m worried i’ll forget. I look at the way the light shines through the trees and listen to music and just kind of sit and say goodbye.
it does help with the processing. I still miss the first house I rented with friends though. it recently sold for over $2 million and crushed any lofty dreams I had of ever buying it in my old age.
posted by one-half-ole at 8:36 PM on January 30
it does help with the processing. I still miss the first house I rented with friends though. it recently sold for over $2 million and crushed any lofty dreams I had of ever buying it in my old age.
posted by one-half-ole at 8:36 PM on January 30
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If you want to, and if it's safe, burn a tea candle or votive candle. Do what's meaningful to you. Maybe bring over a slingback chair, some takeout food (dessert or an actual meal), and a bottle of your preferred beverage, and have a final picnic.
See if you can find a friend who has a drone who can take footage of the "forbidden" spots for you, if you want to keep more footage of those.
Then after you're gone, if you want to, you can make either a digital or a physical scrapbook that you can annotate with longer memories and/or plans. Or you can just have your videos and photos.
posted by Tailkinker to-Ennien at 4:10 PM on January 28 [1 favorite]