Family death and privacy
January 7, 2025 11:14 AM Subscribe
Friend's family member is about to die. I was told in confidence by their partner. What is appropriate behavior when the inevitable happens?
I'm close friends with Couple. Partner A's close family member is dying -- Partner B reached out to me sharing the info in confidence because Partner A is very private, but they needed potential pet care while traveling to visit Dying Family Member.
When Family Member dies, which Partner B will likely disclose to me but Partner A likely will not bc again, they are very private and deal with things privately, what if anything would be appropriate for a friend (me) to do?
If I see Partner A a month later, do I just... pretend it didn't happen? Do I gently acknowledge that Partner B let me know and lightly extend my sympathy and support? Randomly send a Grubhub gift card?
Even Partner B is struggling to understand what Partner A is needing right now, as it's new territory for everyone in our friend group as luckily no one has yet suffered immediate family loss. Partner A is not great at communicating, or even understanding, their own needs--historically they tend to clam up and shake off overtures of support.
Even if Partner A truly doesn't want to acknowledge or accept anything, how to support Partner B in their own grief without overstepping Partner A's boundaries?
Would love any insight into how to support someone who may not express the need for it? Or how to broach the subject of the loss with someone who is very private? Are you that private person? How would you want a friend to act?
Any insight would be great!
I'm close friends with Couple. Partner A's close family member is dying -- Partner B reached out to me sharing the info in confidence because Partner A is very private, but they needed potential pet care while traveling to visit Dying Family Member.
When Family Member dies, which Partner B will likely disclose to me but Partner A likely will not bc again, they are very private and deal with things privately, what if anything would be appropriate for a friend (me) to do?
If I see Partner A a month later, do I just... pretend it didn't happen? Do I gently acknowledge that Partner B let me know and lightly extend my sympathy and support? Randomly send a Grubhub gift card?
Even Partner B is struggling to understand what Partner A is needing right now, as it's new territory for everyone in our friend group as luckily no one has yet suffered immediate family loss. Partner A is not great at communicating, or even understanding, their own needs--historically they tend to clam up and shake off overtures of support.
Even if Partner A truly doesn't want to acknowledge or accept anything, how to support Partner B in their own grief without overstepping Partner A's boundaries?
Would love any insight into how to support someone who may not express the need for it? Or how to broach the subject of the loss with someone who is very private? Are you that private person? How would you want a friend to act?
Any insight would be great!
Did Partner B expressly say that Partner A doesn't know they reached out to you? How that question is answered changes the way I would proceed.
If no, and Partner A knows that Partner B reached out and they know that you know what's going on, when the inevitable happens, I would either reach out with a text saying something like, "No need to respond, just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you during this difficult time," or send a condolence card expressing the same.
If yes, and Partner A has no idea that Partner B reached out, I wouldn't say anything at all unless and until it was clear that Partner A gave the go-ahead for everyone to know. And yes, that would include not saying anything when you see them in person.
Either way, Partner B can be supported by you in various ways. You can be there to pet sit, you could offer to be a sounding board, you can take them out to lunch or dinner, you can send them silly memes and caring texts.
posted by cooker girl at 11:49 AM on January 7 [2 favorites]
If no, and Partner A knows that Partner B reached out and they know that you know what's going on, when the inevitable happens, I would either reach out with a text saying something like, "No need to respond, just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you during this difficult time," or send a condolence card expressing the same.
If yes, and Partner A has no idea that Partner B reached out, I wouldn't say anything at all unless and until it was clear that Partner A gave the go-ahead for everyone to know. And yes, that would include not saying anything when you see them in person.
Either way, Partner B can be supported by you in various ways. You can be there to pet sit, you could offer to be a sounding board, you can take them out to lunch or dinner, you can send them silly memes and caring texts.
posted by cooker girl at 11:49 AM on January 7 [2 favorites]
I think you let both of them take the lead on their own. If Partner A wants to let you know about the passing, they will. Offer what you can based on what you know to Partner B.
posted by Twicketface at 11:54 AM on January 7 [1 favorite]
posted by Twicketface at 11:54 AM on January 7 [1 favorite]
After it happens you can reach out to A asynchronously (i.e., via text), so there's no burden on them to respond in the moment. That gives them the freedom to decide how/when/whether to engage.
I mean, once you show up to watch the cat or whatever, it'll be inescapably obvious to A that you know what happened. So drop a quiet word and then leave space for...nothing, or a reply, or a change of subject.
posted by wenestvedt at 12:30 PM on January 7 [3 favorites]
I mean, once you show up to watch the cat or whatever, it'll be inescapably obvious to A that you know what happened. So drop a quiet word and then leave space for...nothing, or a reply, or a change of subject.
posted by wenestvedt at 12:30 PM on January 7 [3 favorites]
In your shoes, I'd pretend that you didn't have as much detail as you have. "Alex, Bailey let me know that you were going through a difficult time. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you." From there, I'd do what you normally would do for someone who was going through something challenging, whether that's the sympathy card, the Grubhub, both, or something else.
posted by capricorn at 3:43 PM on January 7
posted by capricorn at 3:43 PM on January 7
Some people do better processing their grief privately and find other people's attempts at sympathy and support to be genuinely draining. I'm that type of person. What I want is some relief from the grief, not more focus on it. I don't want to add your feelings to my feelings.
That might not be what you think you're doing, but there are a lot of people out there who think that there's a "right" way to process negative emotions and doesn't involve doing it your own damn self. If you try to enforce a boundary, you're emotionally repressed, you can't "acknowledge" your feelings or your needs.
That's not to say I'd never appreciate support, but it might look different. The most helpful thing anyone has done for me is to briefly acknowledge what was going on, but pay attention to my boundaries and then just be... normal with me, to take my mind off it for a while.
Anyway, if Partner A is like me:
* Any communication should be clear that no response is expected
* Put aside any expectations or judgement about what their grief should look like
Apart from that, my advice pretty much mirrors cooker girl's. I can't tell whether Partner A knows that Partner B told you. If they didn't want Partner B to tell you then that's more complicated; Partner B shouldn't have. If they know that Partner B told you, or if it's inevitable that they find out, then a short acknowledgement could keep it from becoming weird and its own form of pressure to talk about it.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 4:02 PM on January 7 [2 favorites]
That might not be what you think you're doing, but there are a lot of people out there who think that there's a "right" way to process negative emotions and doesn't involve doing it your own damn self. If you try to enforce a boundary, you're emotionally repressed, you can't "acknowledge" your feelings or your needs.
That's not to say I'd never appreciate support, but it might look different. The most helpful thing anyone has done for me is to briefly acknowledge what was going on, but pay attention to my boundaries and then just be... normal with me, to take my mind off it for a while.
Anyway, if Partner A is like me:
* Any communication should be clear that no response is expected
* Put aside any expectations or judgement about what their grief should look like
Apart from that, my advice pretty much mirrors cooker girl's. I can't tell whether Partner A knows that Partner B told you. If they didn't want Partner B to tell you then that's more complicated; Partner B shouldn't have. If they know that Partner B told you, or if it's inevitable that they find out, then a short acknowledgement could keep it from becoming weird and its own form of pressure to talk about it.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 4:02 PM on January 7 [2 favorites]
Close enough to take over pet care is close enough to acknowledge a family death, sheesh. (And I mean, honestly, a death is a public record, it's not fair to treat it as a secret.)
That said, partner A may not want to engage with you much on the topic, so once the death has actually happened, a simple card (and I mean simple, no goopy condolences stuff) with a handwritten note saying something like "thinking of you at this difficult time" is about as far as you should go. Don't expect a response.
posted by praemunire at 5:23 PM on January 7 [1 favorite]
That said, partner A may not want to engage with you much on the topic, so once the death has actually happened, a simple card (and I mean simple, no goopy condolences stuff) with a handwritten note saying something like "thinking of you at this difficult time" is about as far as you should go. Don't expect a response.
posted by praemunire at 5:23 PM on January 7 [1 favorite]
I also suggest sending a condolences card after the death. It's a totally normal thing to do, so it doesn't create weird pressure. It makes it clear you know, so you don't have to deal with any awkwardness around "Does A know that I know?" And it helps let A know that you're willing to be a support if they want it, without forcing anything on them.
posted by lapis at 5:49 PM on January 7 [1 favorite]
posted by lapis at 5:49 PM on January 7 [1 favorite]
Best answer: As someone who is similarly private around big things, I can’t be more clear: not telling people is EXACTLY how I express what I need for support. I process best alone, with one or two people as confidants. The absolute worst thing that my friends and family do is try to get around it because they want me to feel supported. That act makes things SO much harder for me.
If it’s at all possible that Friend A is similar (their partner would know, I hope!), then please wait until they reach out about it - and if they don’t, that’s ok too. They may just need the world to go on spinning while they deal with this privately. Please give them that gift.
posted by okayokayigive at 6:26 PM on January 7 [4 favorites]
If it’s at all possible that Friend A is similar (their partner would know, I hope!), then please wait until they reach out about it - and if they don’t, that’s ok too. They may just need the world to go on spinning while they deal with this privately. Please give them that gift.
posted by okayokayigive at 6:26 PM on January 7 [4 favorites]
As Partner B if Partner A would be comfortable with you acknowledging the death. The usual formula is "I am so sorry for your loss." Partner B will likely be able to tell you if going through this ritual repeatedly is making them twitchy and uncomfortable or not.
It is dangerous to offer condolences, because it can break the composure of the person who suffered the loss, so you don't want to say it at the beginning of the phone call, or the meeting. Wait until they will have time to recover their composure if it breaks, such as when you are saying good bye, and finish with "... and I just want to say I am so very sorry for your loss..." That way if they have started crying, or suddenly feel rage, they can just hang up, or step out of the room to go clench their fists and curse the deceased, or however they need to react.
If B says say that you should not say it at all, when you meet Partner A, after the death has occurred skip the "I am so sorry for your loss..." routine, and immediately pretend you have just said it, and act as you would after you had. Maybe say it silently so that it feels said. You will likely be more sensitive to Partner A, and prepared to do emotional labour. But take your cue from Partner A. If Partner A wants to monologue about their Subaru battery issues, or some such topic that has nothing to do with you or the death, assume this is a displacement monologue for the feelings dump you get from some people who are working on creating a narrative about their loss. Let them monologue. If Partner A tries to brighten things up with some positive comment, take their lead but DON'T run with it and natter brightly and cheerfully as if nothing bad has happened to them. Let them lead the mood of any conversations.
When offering to do things in support, don't just offer, but make suggestions - do people from out of town coming for the funeral need transportation or crash space that you could provide? Do they want to borrow a formal jacket for the funeral? Will they need help clearing out a house? Hopefully you will know them well enough to know about what they might need, or you will pick up clues from the things they say. Again, Ask Partner B if and what you should offer. Make a suggestion, and tag it with "...or is there anything else I can do that would be useful?"
Come back two days later to offer support again. Then offer it a week later. Again, make varying specific suggestions. This is how they know you mean it and it's not just a platitude. Be prepared to be rebuffed and don't push it. If your first offer to help is greeted with, "No, no, we've got everything under control, nothing really needs to be done, we are doing great," accept that and be really light and tactful about any future offers to help.
But always get guidance from B. Check if there is a Go Fund Me. Some people are horrified by being the centre of attention as the bereaved person, and/or horrified to be offered help because they want to get through bad things as the strong person who never needs help. If A is like this, don't mention the death, and don't obviously try to be helpful.
However, reach out anyway a week and two weeks later, and a month later, and close to the death anniversary and offer they emotional support by inviting them over for dinner, or some other enjoyable activity. You want to be there for them without making it about the death. Send them a movie download that you know they will want to watch. Look for ways to help with making life go on. They might not want any help in the immediate post death period, but would be glad of someone to help them clear out the house six weeks later. But by then it's not about the death, it's dealing with the problem of the deadline to sort stuff and haul it to the dump.
If they are the strong person, reinforce them in that role. Tell them that they have always been someone you admired, and give the reasons. "I'm so glad I've always been able to ask you about the repairs on my house..."
Just remember that almost everyone feels awkward under circumstances like this, so your awkwardness is normal. You may trip over a word or two. That's okay.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:39 AM on January 8
It is dangerous to offer condolences, because it can break the composure of the person who suffered the loss, so you don't want to say it at the beginning of the phone call, or the meeting. Wait until they will have time to recover their composure if it breaks, such as when you are saying good bye, and finish with "... and I just want to say I am so very sorry for your loss..." That way if they have started crying, or suddenly feel rage, they can just hang up, or step out of the room to go clench their fists and curse the deceased, or however they need to react.
If B says say that you should not say it at all, when you meet Partner A, after the death has occurred skip the "I am so sorry for your loss..." routine, and immediately pretend you have just said it, and act as you would after you had. Maybe say it silently so that it feels said. You will likely be more sensitive to Partner A, and prepared to do emotional labour. But take your cue from Partner A. If Partner A wants to monologue about their Subaru battery issues, or some such topic that has nothing to do with you or the death, assume this is a displacement monologue for the feelings dump you get from some people who are working on creating a narrative about their loss. Let them monologue. If Partner A tries to brighten things up with some positive comment, take their lead but DON'T run with it and natter brightly and cheerfully as if nothing bad has happened to them. Let them lead the mood of any conversations.
When offering to do things in support, don't just offer, but make suggestions - do people from out of town coming for the funeral need transportation or crash space that you could provide? Do they want to borrow a formal jacket for the funeral? Will they need help clearing out a house? Hopefully you will know them well enough to know about what they might need, or you will pick up clues from the things they say. Again, Ask Partner B if and what you should offer. Make a suggestion, and tag it with "...or is there anything else I can do that would be useful?"
Come back two days later to offer support again. Then offer it a week later. Again, make varying specific suggestions. This is how they know you mean it and it's not just a platitude. Be prepared to be rebuffed and don't push it. If your first offer to help is greeted with, "No, no, we've got everything under control, nothing really needs to be done, we are doing great," accept that and be really light and tactful about any future offers to help.
But always get guidance from B. Check if there is a Go Fund Me. Some people are horrified by being the centre of attention as the bereaved person, and/or horrified to be offered help because they want to get through bad things as the strong person who never needs help. If A is like this, don't mention the death, and don't obviously try to be helpful.
However, reach out anyway a week and two weeks later, and a month later, and close to the death anniversary and offer they emotional support by inviting them over for dinner, or some other enjoyable activity. You want to be there for them without making it about the death. Send them a movie download that you know they will want to watch. Look for ways to help with making life go on. They might not want any help in the immediate post death period, but would be glad of someone to help them clear out the house six weeks later. But by then it's not about the death, it's dealing with the problem of the deadline to sort stuff and haul it to the dump.
If they are the strong person, reinforce them in that role. Tell them that they have always been someone you admired, and give the reasons. "I'm so glad I've always been able to ask you about the repairs on my house..."
Just remember that almost everyone feels awkward under circumstances like this, so your awkwardness is normal. You may trip over a word or two. That's okay.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:39 AM on January 8
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You *can* offer to be a source of support for partner B. Invite them out for coffee. Ask if you can make a grocery run for her, or if you can bring dinner by at some point. Make concrete offers of support, as opposed to "let me know if you need anything."
posted by honeybee413 at 11:18 AM on January 7 [3 favorites]