Do/did you have a mother you can relax around? What did she do right?

January 7, 2025 8:44 AM

I have a good mother by any textbook definition. She's dedicated, selfless, and was very hands-on when I was growing up. However, either our personalities don't match, or her anxieties got the better of her; either way, my blood pressure shoots up every time I talk to her about something related to myself.

The result is that I avoid talking about myself or expressing any opinions about the world with her. When the conversation goes that way, I have to restrain myself from getting anxious and angry.

This has happened since I was at least 10. I am a mother of a young daughter and have another on the way. I can't be perfect, but I want my kids to be relaxed around me and trust me.

Now, I can just do the opposite of what my mother does (notably, not rush to judgments and micromanaging, not let paranoia about safety outrule everything, not go on anti-feminist rants) -- but that may not be enough. By some measures, my mother is the way she is because she was unhappy with the way her own mother treated her, which she felt was neglectful. Just compensating for what my mother does may actually backfire.

If you have a mother who, even with faults, is someone you could confide in as a teenager and continue to be peaceful friends with as an adult, I'm curious what they did/are doing right.

posted by redlines to Human Relations (16 answers total)

My mother liked me. I know that sounds obvious, but she used to tell me "you know, I love you because you are my child, but I also just really like you because you are you!"

She also had a habit of praising me for the qualities she wanted to encourage, rather than criticising me.

She was interested in me for who I already am, and didn't make me feel as if I needed to be fixed or coached or changed.
posted by Zumbador at 8:57 AM on January 7 [28 favorites]

Agreed that I have always understood that my mom likes me as well as loves me. She told me so! And continues to tell me, whether outright or in her actions and choices (we spend a lot of time together, not simple since we live across a border from each other.)

I've always known that she is on my side. Not that she has always told me that everything I do is correct - but that if push comes to shove she is my advocate. In junior high I was sent home one day for wearing my favorite jeans, which had tears on both sides right underneath my bum - my Mennonite principal said it violated the dress code. Mom went in, probably taking time out of her work day, to ask to see a copy of the dress code (which he couldn't share, there wasn't a formal code in the end) and also to pointedly ask him why he was looking at my butt. (She went to school in a time where she was not allowed to wear pants at all, and she and her mom had tried to circumvent it with extremely baggy culottes but were not successful.)

She also made it clear that if I was in trouble or a situation where I felt in danger I could always call her and she would come get me with no questions. So I always knew I had an out. She left me privacy and never snooped in my room (all of this was stuff not all my friends could rely on - I had friends who ran away from home in their early teens and struggled to finish school etc.)

We both like similar things, reading and art, so can talk together about both serious and trivial things without friction. I call her almost every day. We have a few areas that are less easy, but we fundamentally respect each other as adults, and I am grateful for the way she has always respected that I am a person with my own thoughts, feelings, and needs. The friends I have who have tougher mom relationships have always experienced love from their moms as conditional in some sense, I think.

I have a daughter, and I'm trying to do similar things. I respect a closed door, tell her that I love her no matter what, tell her I like her as a person, and leave her space and time as much as possible. We have conflicts (the pre-teen thing is SO REAL) but I hope that we will come through without serious betrayal on my part. It's hard! I'm not always sure I'm managing it.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 9:14 AM on January 7 [15 favorites]

Me? Ha ha ha lord no.

But I have always been enthralled by the parents of peers I've had who have so obviously liked their kids, like Zumbador said. They'd say nice things about them if they left the room. They'd say nice things to their face. Just little, mundane things. They embrace and enjoy the changes their kid goes through as they age into adulthood. To see them as complex, interesting people with whole separate lives and personalities.

It seems like such a simple thing, to like your children. But if you've never been truly liked by your parents, witnessing it in other people's relationships is an incredible thing.
posted by phunniemee at 9:36 AM on January 7 [17 favorites]

My mother was always a cheerleader for me. She definitely liked me and my siblings as well as loved us. She really wanted us all to be happy. When I was younger (I'm 62 now) my friends and I would hang out in the kitchen with Mom, and my college friends wanted to spend time with her too. She was very caring and genuinely interested in what we kids were doing. We also had a lot of interests in common. She passed away two years ago. I really miss her.
posted by pangolin party at 9:53 AM on January 7 [9 favorites]

I have a good mother by any textbook definition. She's dedicated, selfless, and was very hands-on when I was growing up.

I'm going to poke at this, in service of answering your question. A "textbook" good parent also gives their kid space to breathe, be independent, and individuate. A good parent is sometimes selfish because they know a few things: 1. It's good for kids to see models of healthy adults whose lives don't revolve solely around their kids or any other person; 2. It's healthier for them to sometimes prioritize their own needs.

Is your mom bordering on the edge of one of those martyr types? "I've given my kids everything," and so on? As you've noted, sometimes anxiety can drive this. We sometimes try to control people to make ourselves feel better. This isn't great!

I get why this it make you feel bad or guilty for calling her anything other than a good mother. It sounds like she met many cultural expectations of the self-sacrificing mother. This isn't actually a healthy model for parents or their kids! You are doing a lot of work to try to understand why she does this, but it's actually okay to move on from trying to figure out why she is the way she is. I don't think she modeled great boundaries. Sounds like she was an original helicopter parent, which can lead to super anxious kids. I'm saying all this to encourage you to look at other models for parenting than your mom, perhaps peers who seem more chill.

I have a pretty good relationship with my mom. I figured out, at some point, that no matter what I did, she'd decide it was a good choice. Unconsciously as a kid, and consciously as an adult, I knew that, ultimately, I mostly couldn't really disappoint her, that she'd love and accept me no matter what. She wasn't hands on with everything. She trusted me and gave me a lot of space to make mistakes. I don't even think she knew she was doing that. I had space and independence and she wasn't breathing down my neck about homework or anything.

I did confide in my mom about some things as a teen, and I definitely did not confide in her about others (specifically, as an older teen, about sex, because it became clear that she couldn't see past some of her own sex negativity). Ultimately, though, teens not confiding in their parents can be part of growing up, of finding themselves, of becoming their own people. They will often move away, emotionally, and often come back. And that's okay. Try not to let sharing or not sharing with you be an indicator of whether you have parented well. I'd also reframe the goal as being friends as adults. I think we need to work to always be our kids' parents and not rely on them too much to act as adults. Our kids can be adults in so many contexts, but they get to be kids when they're with their parents, in most cases (that doesn't mean they don't ever help us).

I don't mean to parse everything here. Tell your kid you love her, no matter what, and mean it. And, make it especially clear that she has space to do things as she wants, regardless of what you want, and perhaps even in spite of it. Give her space to make her own choices, even when they're not great choices, and let her know you respect and admire those choices (and try to mean it!). I suspect these are some of the things your mom did not give you.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:02 AM on January 7 [5 favorites]

I relaxed around my mom when she was "dedicated, selfless, and hands-on" in helping my goals. E.g. when she cooked my favorite foods, gave me rides to events I chose, and gave advice without lecturing me.

I was resentful and irritated when she was "dedicated, selfless, and hands-on" towards societally approved goals that I did not agree with. E.g. when she pushed me to play certain sports because it was "good for me" even though I hated them, when she cooked certain vegetables because they were good for me even though I hated them, etc.
posted by vienna at 10:13 AM on January 7 [2 favorites]

"dedicated, selfless, and hands-on" towards societally approved goals that I did not agree with. E.g. when she pushed me to play certain sports because it was "good for me" even though I hated them, when she cooked certain vegetables because they were good for me even though I hated them, etc.

Hm. Most (all?) parents are going to push things that make their children uncomfortable. Some of those are strikeouts and some are not and it can be difficult for a parent to know ahead of time. My mother also pushed things I didn't want that ended up being a bad match for me, and pushed things I didn't want that ended up being good for me and whatever issues I have with my mom are pretty much unrelated to the idea that she wanted me to try or do things that I didn't think I liked. My point is, that I don't think that part is the make or break on the relaxed relationship.
posted by vunder at 10:33 AM on January 7 [2 favorites]

I didn't just feel liked by my parents; I felt (and feel) loved by them. I was afforded the leeway to be a confusing mystery to them, and that never resulted in them pulling away or refusing to offer me affection. Lots of hugs, head rubs, napping side by side, and quiet kinds of intimate physical proximity came to me from them even when I was at my worst or struggling to get through the days. They were calm and warm when I finally came out to them. They welcomed the man I married into their lives and hearts, as they did for their step-grandkids. When I divorced, my mom (who has the most severe fear of flying I've ever encountered) dropped everything to fly across a continent to be with me, and she did this on her own without showing me an ounce of the fear she must have endured.

I did not start realizing that many people do not have parents like this until well into my 20s (to my shame and embarrassment). This has been a key foundation in my (adulthood-developed) practice of patience with others. I tell my parents of my gratitude, amazement, and love for them as often as I can muster the energy to bring it up without getting weepy.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 12:02 PM on January 7 [13 favorites]

I have a mother I can't relax around, but a MIL who I am absolutely comfortable with.

Mother: very self-centered, such that almost any topic has to wind back to her. We are all bit characters in her play, and she is the expert on all of us, she knows us better than any of us know ourselves. Also, compulsive truth re-shaper. It is hard to get a word in edgewise that doesn't get retold into her narrative. I am not accepted for who I am, I only exist as a window to her. I don't actually know if she likes me. I don't think she knows me well enough to say that; I don't think she's interested in me as a separate person.

So I would say: accept your kids for who they are, in their own stories and their own words. Don't try to re-interpret them, or know them/their lives better than they do. Let them be the center of their own universe, rather than turn it into yours.

MIL: she is just so darn accepting and loving and pleasant of a person. She is supportive. She's interested in lots of things just for the sake of those things/topics, not as a new way to spotlight herself. She likes me, she knows I'm a good person, she has faith in me and my judgement. She's interested in me. I love her tons, and would move the earth for her to be even a bit more comfortable.

(thank you for letting me vent, this has been kind of a thing lately)
posted by Dashy at 12:29 PM on January 7 [13 favorites]

I started to be able to fully relax with my mother after she realised that her random bursts of spotting my behaviours that would make people judge her for not raising me better were stressing me out and making me not want to spend time with her.

It took yelling, abandonment in a public place and also I was thirty at the time.

So you know, less with the societal expectations, especially regarding societal expectations towards women. And as much respect for their autonomy as can be allowed while still avoiding damage. Less my way or the high way.
posted by I claim sanctuary at 12:35 PM on January 7 [1 favorite]

My mother liked me as well as loved me. I would spend hours in the kitchen chatting her up. My brothers a little less so, but some. She always treated me like an individual and also let me make mistakes. Trusting me to make mistakes, learn and do it differently next time was a huge confidence boast. She would say, "If you want to try it that way, go for it. Call me if you run into a problem or need help."

My daughter and I are pretty good friends. She once told me she became a Yankees fan because she knew it was a way to bond with me. We also encouraged her to be an individual. She would put on two different socks when she was say 3 getting dressed by herself for the fist time. We told her it was a great way to be her. Through college, that was her thing. Never two of the same socks at once even when playing sports.

Treat your child like a mature individual capable of knowing what they want. Let them make mistakes and fail. Encourage them to get back up.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 12:41 PM on January 7 [1 favorite]

She has always shared her own interests, passions, and joys with me in an unrestrained way. Her enthusiasm about the things she loves, from singing at the top of her lungs along with the radio in the car to speaking eloquently, opinionatedly, and passionately about her fields of study and work, has helped set the pattern I seek in all the people I choose to spend my time around and in my own embracing of the things that intrigue and delight me. I think for me, being able to have strong opinions about things, especially strong positive opinions, and not worry about whether anyone thinks it's dumb or Too Much is a huge part of what it means to me to relax.

In general, my parents' home was always a place where feelings could be felt and expressed—by both my parents, but Mom is who you asked about. She laughs loudly and acts silly with her family. She and my dad still hold hands. She's also cried in front of me, or expressed frustration, or fear. She's encouraged me to express all these things through art and music. She and Dad both have always done a great job of saying "I feel..." The downside is that people were often Big Angry in my family growing up, but we've all chilled out so much as my generation has settled into adulthood.

Their home is also a place where people can physically relax. Mom tends to be a shoes-off-in-the-house type person but isn't strict about it. Over the holidays we were all lounging around in sweats or T-shirts, with our feet up on the ottoman, sleeping in as late as we wanted and fixing ourselves breakfast and lunch whenever we felt like it.

We actually do have some disagreements about politics and the world, but these conversations don't raise my blood pressure because Mom and I both accept "we'll agree to disagree" and a swift subject change.
posted by capricorn at 1:41 PM on January 7 [5 favorites]

My sister and I both have a great relationship with our mom, one that is VERY different than the relationship my husband and his siblings have with my MIL (who sounds a lot like your mom). I think there are a couple big things my mom does that make a huge difference.

First, she always treated us like independent people, not an extension of her. She didn't worry (or if she did, she hid it well) that our behavior was a "reflection of her parenting" or that people were judging HER for things that were actually about us. For example, when I was in college, I changed my major to something that was pretty obviously not the right fit for me. She told me she thought I was making the wrong choice, (which she was right about) but I never for one minute worried that she would be disappointed in me or embarrassed that I had made a mistake--this was about me, not her. My mom did a great job of updating her "mental model" of her kids as we grew up and treated us like adults and peers with our own expertise pretty early. Basically, she has always known and cared about who we are as people, not just as her kids.

The other thing, that is obviously harder, but I think equally important, is that she has done the work to be a mentally healthy, happy and confident person in her own right. She moves with confidence in all of her interactions with the world, which left a lot of space for my sister and I to grow as independent people ourselves. We were not responsible for her anxiety, which is SO different than how my MIL treats my husband and his siblings.

Basically, she's always been a person who is also my mom, and I've always been a person who is also her kid.
posted by mjcon at 2:01 PM on January 7 [7 favorites]

My mother liked me as a person. Not in a boundary-crossing "we're best friends" way, but just in way that she responded to what I said without turning everything into a lesson or moral or whatever.

In terms of your own parenting, it can help to think about what you want to be, rather than just what you don't want to be. Because you're right, if you're just reacting against your own mother, then you're likely perpetuating patterns, even if they're the inverse. If you can find/create a positive model overall, that can be more helpful.
posted by lapis at 5:52 PM on January 7

When I would talk to my mom and/or my dad they would really pay attention to what I was saying. Always put down what they were doing, made eye contact, and asked questions if appropriate. If they couldn't pay attention because they were in the middle of something important or something that couldn't be paused, they were very clear in telling me that they wanted to hear what I had to say but they couldn't focus on it right then. Later when they were available, they would make sure to find out what I wanted to tell them. I believe this was key in developing my strong sense of self-esteem.
posted by obol at 3:09 AM on January 8 [2 favorites]

I thought of another specific aspect of not feeling comfortable (while processing my own stuff obvs, I hope I'm not overbearing here).

I am very guarded in what I'll tell my mother because she stockpiles things to use later, in ways that feel manipulative. Like, she'll parrot something I mentioned in a later conversation, but in a way that doesn't fit the topic/moment or feel authentic, and it's like she's looking to prove that She Was Listening! Or she will bring something back up in a way that highlights herself. For instance she was trying to teach a neighbor to do a thing, it wasn't going well, and she told me that it was just like me teaching classes (I'm a biology professor) and she knows exactly what that's like (narrator: she does not).

Hope this is helpful. I guess - there's distinctions between listening to a kid for helping the kid through life, or listening to a kid just to know the kid; and listening to a kid just so you can prove you listened or so you can make it a setup line in your one-person show. And those distinctions will determine whether kid feels comfortable and safe around you.
posted by Dashy at 9:00 AM on January 8