DId My Ex-Husband Give Me Chlamydia?
December 30, 2024 10:12 PM Subscribe
I am a woman and have been legally separated I from my husband for almost fifteen years. Years before we eventually separated for good, we were living apart for about 8 months as he was using cocaine, drinking heavily and having an affair with one of my co-workers. I knew this woman quite well and knew she was not careful with birth control or condom use. When my husband and I reconciled, he assured me that they had only had sex a few times and always used a condom.
I know it was foolish of me to believe him, given a pattern of deceit and carelessness. We had two children already and I was using an IUD, so I resumed having unprotected sex with my husband. Note that this was 27 years ago and I was a mother to a toddler and a ten year old and open and frank discussions were very difficult and he was extremely resistant to questions or apologies (yeah, I know, it took me 12 more years to finally end the relationship).
Anyway, about three years after we had reconciled, he was complaining of abdominal pain and sore testicles, so I told him to visit the doctor. This was, by the way, about three days after we had moved back to the city where the affair had taken place, after three years in another city. I had a million things on my plate, setting up house, arranging schools, unpacking, hooking up utilities and internet etc. He came home from the doctor and said the doctor had said he might have 'an infection', and as a precaution I should take this huge antibiotic pill but it was 'nothing to worry about'. I took the pill and promptly forgot about it.
By this time, I'd had my IUD removed due to issues with cramping and heavy menstrual flow. Yet despite not using any birth control other than awareness of my cycles, I never became pregnant again, even though we had both said we would be open to having another baby if it were to happen.
After a few months had gone by, I started to wonder about that huge antibiotic pill but life was busy, and there was never a good time to ask him about it. Now, years later I can't shake the feeling that he gave me chlamydia and never owned up to it, much less apologized. Whenever I would bring that time up in any way, he would deflect and accuse me of making an issue. Yeah, again, I know. I can't ask him about it now, because after I legally separated from him, I eventually went no-contact with him and I don't even know his address or phone number.
I've since had more than one full screening panel for STDs and I haven't ever tested positive for anything but as time goes by and I try to contextualize the toxicity of that relationship over time, I still dwell on this question of whether he gave me an STD. I did not ever have any sexual contact with anyone else while I was married. I know I will never get an honest answer from him but what I want to know is whether it's an unreasonable belief for me to think he did give me Chlamydia, because I really think he did.
I know it was foolish of me to believe him, given a pattern of deceit and carelessness. We had two children already and I was using an IUD, so I resumed having unprotected sex with my husband. Note that this was 27 years ago and I was a mother to a toddler and a ten year old and open and frank discussions were very difficult and he was extremely resistant to questions or apologies (yeah, I know, it took me 12 more years to finally end the relationship).
Anyway, about three years after we had reconciled, he was complaining of abdominal pain and sore testicles, so I told him to visit the doctor. This was, by the way, about three days after we had moved back to the city where the affair had taken place, after three years in another city. I had a million things on my plate, setting up house, arranging schools, unpacking, hooking up utilities and internet etc. He came home from the doctor and said the doctor had said he might have 'an infection', and as a precaution I should take this huge antibiotic pill but it was 'nothing to worry about'. I took the pill and promptly forgot about it.
By this time, I'd had my IUD removed due to issues with cramping and heavy menstrual flow. Yet despite not using any birth control other than awareness of my cycles, I never became pregnant again, even though we had both said we would be open to having another baby if it were to happen.
After a few months had gone by, I started to wonder about that huge antibiotic pill but life was busy, and there was never a good time to ask him about it. Now, years later I can't shake the feeling that he gave me chlamydia and never owned up to it, much less apologized. Whenever I would bring that time up in any way, he would deflect and accuse me of making an issue. Yeah, again, I know. I can't ask him about it now, because after I legally separated from him, I eventually went no-contact with him and I don't even know his address or phone number.
I've since had more than one full screening panel for STDs and I haven't ever tested positive for anything but as time goes by and I try to contextualize the toxicity of that relationship over time, I still dwell on this question of whether he gave me an STD. I did not ever have any sexual contact with anyone else while I was married. I know I will never get an honest answer from him but what I want to know is whether it's an unreasonable belief for me to think he did give me Chlamydia, because I really think he did.
1] I am not a doctor and I do not know about _all_ antibiotics but usually they give me more than one pill if the prescribe antibiotics, often a 'dose pack' where I take 3 a day for 2 days, then 2 a day, etc. or some other pattern. I wonder whether one pill would have helped with any hypothetical STD at all
2] From the sound of it, this was so long ago that getting an answer from anybody is probably unlikely, but do you know the name of the doctor and whether they are still in business? Maybe they would answer a question about what the pill was because...
3] I believe in most if not all states it is illegal for a doctor to prescribe for you if you're not their patient, so giving your husband a pill for you to take is quite suspicious and maybe they'd want to avoid any trouble about it?
Again, I am not a doctor or a lawyer but the "huge antibiotic pill" section of your question raised theses issues in my mind
posted by TimHare at 10:28 PM on December 30 [6 favorites]
2] From the sound of it, this was so long ago that getting an answer from anybody is probably unlikely, but do you know the name of the doctor and whether they are still in business? Maybe they would answer a question about what the pill was because...
3] I believe in most if not all states it is illegal for a doctor to prescribe for you if you're not their patient, so giving your husband a pill for you to take is quite suspicious and maybe they'd want to avoid any trouble about it?
Again, I am not a doctor or a lawyer but the "huge antibiotic pill" section of your question raised theses issues in my mind
posted by TimHare at 10:28 PM on December 30 [6 favorites]
It's appears it's definitely possible -- apparently about 20% of asymptomatic cases of chlamydia spontaneously resolve: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3654745/
However, this really seems like one of those AskMe's where the real question isn't the question. You pretty clearly don't have chlamydia now and aren't reporting any of the long term effects of untreated chlamydia, so it kind of doesn't matter. Your ex is still an irresponsible asshole either way.
posted by hoyland at 10:31 PM on December 30 [5 favorites]
However, this really seems like one of those AskMe's where the real question isn't the question. You pretty clearly don't have chlamydia now and aren't reporting any of the long term effects of untreated chlamydia, so it kind of doesn't matter. Your ex is still an irresponsible asshole either way.
posted by hoyland at 10:31 PM on December 30 [5 favorites]
Oops, I totally misread and thought he was taking the pill, not you. Anyway, I learned something about chlamydia this evening.
posted by hoyland at 10:32 PM on December 30
posted by hoyland at 10:32 PM on December 30
Azithromycin has been around since 1991 and can be dosed at 1 gram orally one time for the treatment of chlamydia. I'm not a doctor, so I could be wrong about this, but it lends some credibility to the idea your husband surreptitiously treated you. But with or without this, it sounds like you needed to cut this creep loose. Good for going no contact! I'm sure that was hard.
posted by OsoMeaty at 10:37 PM on December 30 [4 favorites]
posted by OsoMeaty at 10:37 PM on December 30 [4 favorites]
I'm an infectious disease epidemiologist. This is a sad and unfortunate story but I would not draw the line to you having had chlamydia.
Prophylactic treatment when there's been an exposure or suspected exposure to specific pathogens is a thing. In some cases the consequences of an infection are significant enough that a prescription is given for a round of post-exposure prophylaxis, and that has become much more common in recent years after condomless sex.
It's possible you were exposed, but you aren't doing yourself any favors by reaching for conclusions like that this could be a reason you did not have another child. Again, that's in the realm of possibility in a universe of many, many possibilities. But that's not how diagnostic considerations are made. Probability is still speculation without diagnostic confirmation. It would be very unprofessional and ethically/legally suspect for a doctor to prescribe prophylaxis via a partner, but I've seen it happen and the last is a foreign country. I honestly wouldn't have the utmost trust in the source of this mystery pill. If I haven't collected a medicine directly from a pharmacist or a prescribing physician, I'm not assuming I know its identity and that's an expectation I wish everyone had a strong conviction about.
I think it's useful to consider the "question is not really the question" comment above. It's so heartbreaking to have been married to someone who has you legitimately acknowledging that you don't except to get the truth from him. That definitely means that you have an understanding that you had a sexual partner who was reckless enough to leave you with that worry. In that sense, my response is unambiguous: yes, you were married to someone whose behavior was irresponsible and has left you, rightly, wondering if they exposed you to STIs. That is a very defensible conclusion to draw. You're very justified in that.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 11:22 PM on December 30 [23 favorites]
Prophylactic treatment when there's been an exposure or suspected exposure to specific pathogens is a thing. In some cases the consequences of an infection are significant enough that a prescription is given for a round of post-exposure prophylaxis, and that has become much more common in recent years after condomless sex.
It's possible you were exposed, but you aren't doing yourself any favors by reaching for conclusions like that this could be a reason you did not have another child. Again, that's in the realm of possibility in a universe of many, many possibilities. But that's not how diagnostic considerations are made. Probability is still speculation without diagnostic confirmation. It would be very unprofessional and ethically/legally suspect for a doctor to prescribe prophylaxis via a partner, but I've seen it happen and the last is a foreign country. I honestly wouldn't have the utmost trust in the source of this mystery pill. If I haven't collected a medicine directly from a pharmacist or a prescribing physician, I'm not assuming I know its identity and that's an expectation I wish everyone had a strong conviction about.
I think it's useful to consider the "question is not really the question" comment above. It's so heartbreaking to have been married to someone who has you legitimately acknowledging that you don't except to get the truth from him. That definitely means that you have an understanding that you had a sexual partner who was reckless enough to leave you with that worry. In that sense, my response is unambiguous: yes, you were married to someone whose behavior was irresponsible and has left you, rightly, wondering if they exposed you to STIs. That is a very defensible conclusion to draw. You're very justified in that.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 11:22 PM on December 30 [23 favorites]
IANYD, but I am a clinician who works clinically with STI diagnosis and treatment.
Yours is a reasonable hypothesis, but of course cannot be absolutely proven without honesty from your ex or subpoena of the medical records.
To supplement the circumstantial evidence you have provided:
There is a indeed a framework for giving the index case of an STI the treatment for their partner.
I cannot actually think of any other kind of infection (ie respiratory, urinary) where this is done, or where the treatment would be a single tablet (in the case of chlamydia, 1g azithromycin as someone else has mentioned).
Here are some guidelines for how this is done in various areas:
https://www.cdc.gov/std/treatment-guidelines/clinical-EPT.htm
https://www.health.vic.gov.au/publications/patient-delivered-partner-therapy-pdpt-for-chlamydia
This is not legal everywhere.
It really should only be done in quite marked circumstances when the clinician has a reasonable suspicion that the partners would delay or be unable to access their own independent medical care. I am a bit concerned that it may have used in this case to conceal your own risk (if this is what happened), and as an interested party if you did want to take this further there is a potential malpractice case in it.
However, it is always worth considering the eventualities and what will be gained or lost from pursuing it further. I don't think you're wrong based on the facts at hand.
posted by chiquitita at 3:38 AM on December 31 [6 favorites]
Yours is a reasonable hypothesis, but of course cannot be absolutely proven without honesty from your ex or subpoena of the medical records.
To supplement the circumstantial evidence you have provided:
There is a indeed a framework for giving the index case of an STI the treatment for their partner.
I cannot actually think of any other kind of infection (ie respiratory, urinary) where this is done, or where the treatment would be a single tablet (in the case of chlamydia, 1g azithromycin as someone else has mentioned).
Here are some guidelines for how this is done in various areas:
https://www.cdc.gov/std/treatment-guidelines/clinical-EPT.htm
https://www.health.vic.gov.au/publications/patient-delivered-partner-therapy-pdpt-for-chlamydia
This is not legal everywhere.
It really should only be done in quite marked circumstances when the clinician has a reasonable suspicion that the partners would delay or be unable to access their own independent medical care. I am a bit concerned that it may have used in this case to conceal your own risk (if this is what happened), and as an interested party if you did want to take this further there is a potential malpractice case in it.
However, it is always worth considering the eventualities and what will be gained or lost from pursuing it further. I don't think you're wrong based on the facts at hand.
posted by chiquitita at 3:38 AM on December 31 [6 favorites]
I don't think you can know from assessing this information. You might be able to call the doctor and ask, but I think they'd stonewall.
But, you know he is a weak, selfish person who is not accountable, not honest. I'd look hard at why you want to know. My ex- is a Narcissist and a real Jerk. He was disloyal, unfaithful, and emotionally and financially abusive. We have a son; he has never stopped trying to sabotage our son's relationship with me, to our son's significant harm. He presents as a friendly, helpful, quirky guy to people, so some people think I'm a vindictive bitch. A few people have had 1st-hand views of his jackassery, and have given me all the validation I need. Srsly, at the end of the marriage, I'd write down the cruel things he said, because he'd gaslight me so hard the next day.
You did not deserve his unkindness and hurt and betrayal. Your feelings are genuine and worthwhile. Whether he harmed you with an STD or not, he did harm you, and you deserve healing and peace. I'm glad he's out of your life and I hope you can banish the mess he left behind.
posted by theora55 at 7:54 AM on December 31 [7 favorites]
But, you know he is a weak, selfish person who is not accountable, not honest. I'd look hard at why you want to know. My ex- is a Narcissist and a real Jerk. He was disloyal, unfaithful, and emotionally and financially abusive. We have a son; he has never stopped trying to sabotage our son's relationship with me, to our son's significant harm. He presents as a friendly, helpful, quirky guy to people, so some people think I'm a vindictive bitch. A few people have had 1st-hand views of his jackassery, and have given me all the validation I need. Srsly, at the end of the marriage, I'd write down the cruel things he said, because he'd gaslight me so hard the next day.
You did not deserve his unkindness and hurt and betrayal. Your feelings are genuine and worthwhile. Whether he harmed you with an STD or not, he did harm you, and you deserve healing and peace. I'm glad he's out of your life and I hope you can banish the mess he left behind.
posted by theora55 at 7:54 AM on December 31 [7 favorites]
I am in no way intending to gaslight you into thinking everything was fine and you were crazy, just FYI. But as a datapoint, approximately 27 years ago I had a UTI and I got an antibiotic shot and was given an antibiotic tablet (approximately the size of a horse) to give my then-partner, with whom I was having condomless sex. This was to avoid him passing bacteria back to me.
The event was memorable because somehow this grown man thought the UTI was a sexually transmitted infection and thus evidence I had been unfaithful to him. I had to explain that nuns get UTIs. It was not a high point in our saga.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:57 AM on December 31 [5 favorites]
The event was memorable because somehow this grown man thought the UTI was a sexually transmitted infection and thus evidence I had been unfaithful to him. I had to explain that nuns get UTIs. It was not a high point in our saga.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:57 AM on December 31 [5 favorites]
Did he come home with the antibiotic the same day as his appointment?
I wouldn't expect results of an STI test to be available on the same day, especially if he just went to a regular doctor and not a hospital.
Once I went to the ER for what I think was a UTI. I think the doctor suspected an STI. They gave me antibiotics that I think would have treated both and sent me on my way.
I don't believe I've ever heard of Chlamydia causing abdominal pain in a male person. Whereas a UTI/bladder or kidney infection may. It's pretty uncommon for men to get UTIs, so I do wonder whether it could be more like DarlingBri's experience.
Have you had therapy? I was in a similar relationship though luckily for much shorter a time. Therapy was incredibly helpful for being able to let go of some things that I would ruminate about.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 3:17 PM on December 31 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't expect results of an STI test to be available on the same day, especially if he just went to a regular doctor and not a hospital.
Once I went to the ER for what I think was a UTI. I think the doctor suspected an STI. They gave me antibiotics that I think would have treated both and sent me on my way.
I don't believe I've ever heard of Chlamydia causing abdominal pain in a male person. Whereas a UTI/bladder or kidney infection may. It's pretty uncommon for men to get UTIs, so I do wonder whether it could be more like DarlingBri's experience.
Have you had therapy? I was in a similar relationship though luckily for much shorter a time. Therapy was incredibly helpful for being able to let go of some things that I would ruminate about.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 3:17 PM on December 31 [1 favorite]
DarlingBri, once again as a clinician but not your doctor, that is not how we treat UTIs and it sounds like you and your partner were being treated for possible STIs as a precaution before any swabs came back.
posted by chiquitita at 7:28 PM on December 31 [2 favorites]
posted by chiquitita at 7:28 PM on December 31 [2 favorites]
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posted by OsoMeaty at 10:27 PM on December 30 [1 favorite]