Practices of gratitude
December 17, 2024 10:24 PM   Subscribe

I am grateful for every day. As long as I remember to remind myself to be grateful! What are your practices for remembering, marking, creating, and celebrating gratitude, thankfulness, and hope?

You may have seen my recent question about a friend who is struggling. While my heart aches for him, it’s reminded me how much I have to be thankful for: my health, my sobriety, my wonderful marriage, my beautiful home, and much much more. After falling into a minor funk for a good bit of 2023 and 2024 I’ve been really good since June-ish at stopping to appreciate things, and it’s made me much happier. I’ve been conscientious about commenting to myself on the views I see of the mountains and the ocean, celebrating a quiet Shabbat meal with my wife every Friday, and taking extra time to pay her compliments and thank her for her thoughtfulness. I’m happy with all of this!

It’s the dark and rainy season here in the Puget Sound and I know I’m prone to getting grumpy around January. I’d like to preemptively stave that off by exploring practices large and small that I can choose from as my adhd squirrel brain inevitably forgets what I’ve committed to. What would you suggest to keep the spirit of thankfulness all year?
posted by skookumsaurus rex to Religion & Philosophy (17 answers total) 31 users marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: classic advice is to keep a gratitude journal, or regularly journal your gratitude lists, which i think can be really rewarding! but last year i found a different journaling technique which, while not specifically about gratitude, has helped me notice things more and consequently feel a lot of gratitude.

it's Lynda Barry's art journaling technique, where you record:
1. 7 things you saw
2. 7 things you did
3. 1 direct quote you heard
4. a (fast!) drawing of one of the things listed in (1)

you can modify it however you want, but i found this even more effective than a straight up gratitude list because it made me think about my day in a new way. not everything i recorded was something i was grateful for, but i naturally noticed a TON of things i did feel gratitude for and i felt generally more aware of my day. PLUS you get a cool, kind of abstract (and funny) record of what was going on in your life that day. it's fun to review a bunch of these a year later.

here's a link to the exercise (among others) on Barry's tumblr, for a better visual.

love this question and will be following the thread closely!
posted by motherofdog at 11:51 PM on December 17, 2024 [18 favorites]


Best answer: Since I became a Muslim in 2022, a practice of gratitude several times daily is as natural and spontaneous as breathing. It has become far easier for me to see the many, many gifts in my life, and it's far easier to remember to be grateful.

This is coming from someone who was profoundly UNgrateful all her life. My signal characteristics before my conversion: self-pity and resentment. I am not exaggerating.

Are those shortcomings still present? Yes, but they are tiny shadows of their former selves.

I should note that an "attitude of gratitude" is incumbent on / required of a Muslim. However, I never feel like I have to force myself to feel grateful. It simply happens.

Alhamdulillah.
posted by rabia.elizabeth at 12:58 AM on December 18, 2024 [7 favorites]


Best answer: ADHD thing - go and set calendar events for January so they pop up and trigger your practice. (Past me set notes for things I wanted to do in December a long time ago and I found them useful!)
posted by freethefeet at 2:09 AM on December 18, 2024 [4 favorites]


Best answer: For December, I'm doing a thing, 32 Days of Gratitude, where I actively search for one thing to be grateful for each day.

Sometimes it's hard! Sometimes it repeats. But it is eye opening to consider, everyday, about what I should be grateful for. It forces me to recognize all the small things that I do have, rather than ruminant on the things I don't.

Yes, I've done all the common things, like friends, family, the ability to walk, having a job, sunshine, etc. Things many of us have. Things we experience everyday. Things we forget.

That's the point, right? We often have so many gifts bestowed upon us by the universe, they're so common, we lose perspective. By taking some time to consider these things, we remind ourselves of how rich our life is.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:05 AM on December 18, 2024 [2 favorites]


Best answer: I've found that journaling does not work for me, dramatically so. I find myself "journaling" the same six bland sentiments every day, and becoming angry that my life is 'stuck' - instead of giving me gratitude for the things I already have. My therapist confirmed for me that while journaling works well for many - maybe even most - people, it's by no means a universally perfect tool. To me, it feels fake and cringy.

What does work for me is briefly expressing gratitude in the moment. When I'm having a good day at work; when my wife does something nice for me; when my cat purrs in my lap; when a friend shares good news; whatever it is. In the moment, right then, not later.

I started with a line from Kurt Vonnegut: "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is." It's a low bar, it's a modest sentiment, but it doesn't feel fake or performative. I'm expressing gratitude when I feel it, not when I feel obligated to. I always (or "always") have a good marriage, but I don't always "feel" it. Instead of yelling YOU HAVE A GOOD MARRIAGE at myself on a regular basis (bad), I make sure to acknowledge it to myself when I notice or strongly feel it. Which then helps me notice it more and more.

I also lean into my religious traditions. I'm Jewish, and there's a specific prayer - the Shehecheyanu - which is said on special occasions. (You're Jewish too, it seems, I'm adding this for others' benefit) For example, in keeping with tradition, I'll say it the first time I light Hanukkah candles this year, or when a child is born. What I've started adding is simply... saying it all the damn time. Sometimes just the one word ("Shehecheyanu") instead of the whole prayer. I should note I'm not terribly observant and I certainly have never believed in God. But it is at its core an expression of gratitude, one I grew up with and one that even at my most atheistic I find unobjectionable. The literal meaning is thanking God that I am alive to see this moment, to reach this season - and that's what I need. The other night we had an unseasonably warm day, and biking home from work I enjoyed the crisp air breezing by me as I neared my home. "Shehecheyanu," I said out loud as I braked near my home. It was nice. It was lovely. I wanted to mark to myself that it was.

This is what works for me, because journaling does not. Your milage may vary.
posted by Tomorrowful at 5:15 AM on December 18, 2024 [7 favorites]


Best answer: For December, I'm doing a thing, 32 Days of Gratitude, where I actively search for one thing to be grateful for each day.

Oh to be clear, I do this by setting aside some time to go for a walk to consider recent events or activities in my life. On days I can't go for a walk, I just think about those things. Sometimes I write things down, but I don't strictly journal. I'll write things on whatever paper I have around, put said paper in a pile, and move on. Sometimes I just turn on the voice recorder on my phone and talk while driving.

I am thinking a thing I heard about for 2025 though. Buy a big jar and everyday write on a scrap of paper something good that happened that day (or several things). At the end of the year, go through the jar to remember those things and be reminded all the good stuff that happened.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:49 AM on December 18, 2024 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Yeaaah, my journal is one of those 'burn this when I die' books filled with more gripes than gratitude. But! Every morning when I wake up I say, "Thank you for this brand-new bright and beautiful [season] day." For me "you" is aimed at a deity (I'm Christian-ish?) but it's just a "I'm happy to be here" practice and it really sets my day off on the right foot.

Like Tomorrowful, I'm leaning into religious traditions even when I don't adhere 100% to the teachings. I light an Advent wreath every Sunday of, well, Advent, and focus on the principle that each candle represents (hope, peace, joy and love and don't think I'm all wise because I still have to look them up). But I'll also light a candle for winter solstice to welcome back the sun.

I'm also watching this thread because gratitude can be hard.
posted by kimberussell at 6:56 AM on December 18, 2024 [2 favorites]


Best answer: How To Want What You Have, by Timothy Miller, 1995, 0-8050-3317-3, is a book from a Buddhist perspective that I as a Christian found quite helpful. Here are some of my notes.

COMPASSION is the intention to see each human being as no better or worse than yourself, neither more nor less important, and as fundamentally similar to yourself.

ATTENTION is the intention to avoid unnecessary value judgments about your own experience--both internal and external experience. In other words, Attention is the intention to live without reservation in the here-and-now. ("Humility" and "mindfulness" are terms often synonymous with "Attention")

GRATITUDE is the intention to count your blessings every day, every minute, while avoiding, whenever possible, the belief that you need or deserve different circumstances.

Instinct never stops whispering in your ear that you would be happier if you could just have a little More. Therefore, if Compassion, Attention, and Gratitude are to have a lifelong effect, they must be lifelong practices.

Ch 5 (p 94). Does the New Testament promise anywhere that loving your neighbor is easy? To the contrary, its overall message is that loving your neighbor is quite difficult, and forgiving your enemies is even harder. Ditto for gratitude and attention.

GRATITUDE (ch 7 p 165)

Gratitude is naturally much stronger when we think we don't deserve something. Again, the experience of Gratitude is not the practice of Gratitude. Experience happens. Practice is an intention. However, Gratitude is a shy bird. Practicing Gratitude through sheer determination is like trying hard to fall asleep.

Gratitude is practiced primarily in the here-and-now. There is no need to distort your memories of distant events to conform to the principles of Gratitude. "Things could be worse." is a thinking maneuver people often use when they wish to evoke the feeling of Gratitude. This maneuver doesn't work. You need not wait for special occasions to be grateful.

Gratitude game: Pick an unremarkable object in your immediate surroundings and see if you can find a way that it might evoke Gratitude.

Ungrateful people have not committed themselves to wanting what they have. They allow the instinctive desire for More to hijack their thought processes.

No person can ever have so little that she has nothing to be grateful for. No person can have so much that Gratitude or contentment becomes inevitable.

Instinct for More is forever, unalterably opposed to Compassion, Attention, and Gratitude--as are they to it.

Gratitude requires a receptive attitude.

When Gratitude comes, reinforce it with Attention. Then reinforce it with action.

posted by gregoreo at 7:24 AM on December 18, 2024 [7 favorites]


Best answer: I didn't intend this to become part of my gratitude practice initially, I was just trying to do some freshening of my internal narrative, but I made a habit of stopping to appreciate just my general being several times a day. Example: like you, I'm really feeling the gloom and short days in Portland right now, so every time I check the weather (just in case it's going to do something else, I guess) I make a point to observe that I am warm and dry and comfortable. Or when I step outside I (🎵take a deep breath and I get real high) appreciate the smell of fall/winter. When I settle in on the couch for the evening I try to appreciate and observe my comfort state.

I guess I tie this stuff to transitions - changing rooms, going somewhere.

I grew up around Southern Baptists and I am...not, but I take a moment to thank the people and animals who put food on my plate when I eat.

One of the things I was taught when I started doing gratitude meditations is to learn to evoke the emotional-physical feeling of gratitude and hold it as long as you can. Not FOR anything, in fact specifically for studying the state of gratitude and not the act, so just fill your body with that kind of "whew holy shit thank you" kind of feeling and...marinate. A lot of the neuroscience is starting to show that this bath of neurotransmitters is what actually makes a gratitude practice so beneficial to body and mind, but it's a more meaningful to the soul or spirit to actually attach it to things. But strengthening that muscle in frequent exercise makes it easier to access that truly gut-felt joy and appreciation if you otherwise trend toward grumpiness.

I like to do this exercise just before I get out of bed in the morning.

My ADHD doesn't want to journal the way I wish I could, so all of this is - in ADHD style - generally tied to existing habits and unavoidable daily actions (like moving between rooms, eating, etc).
posted by Lyn Never at 8:01 AM on December 18, 2024


Best answer: I take my dog out for his last night walk (so he can do his “ chores”), look up at the sky and thank the stars/universe/ for my health, family, colleagues, neighbors, specific events/instances of the day. The sky twinkles, the puppy tinkles and I feel blessed.
posted by Ideefixe at 8:36 AM on December 18, 2024 [4 favorites]


Best answer: This may sound flippant but when I feel self-pitying, checking in on the Soft White Underbelly YouTube channel gets my gratitude going double-quick.
posted by Lemkin at 8:53 AM on December 18, 2024 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Might take a look at the work of Bro. David Steindl-Rast, too. Lots of reflective practices in the blog there.
posted by jquinby at 8:54 AM on December 18, 2024


Best answer: I've posted this here before, but what makes the biggest difference to me when I'm doing this (thanks for reminding me I must resume...) is to only note down things that I can genuinely, physically, feel a pang of gratitude for - not the things that I feel like I should feel grateful for. Telling myself every day that I should feel grateful for the roof over my head ends up feeling kind of hollow because I've always had a roof over my head and my brain finds it hard to register enthusiastic gratitude - trying just makes me feel bad that I don't really appreciate it the way I know I should.

But if I look back at today, what things happened that genuinely made me appreciative, lightened my load for a moment? There was a woman in a service job I saw today, who remembered my name and made a difficult transaction easier; there was an off-the-cuff Whatsapp message from someone that happened to strike a chord and make me feel more optimistic for a moment about something difficult that's going on in my life; there was passing by a place where I'd once had a conversation over coffee that was meaningful to me, and remembering it made me feel genuinely grateful and connected.

Those things, that actually spark a physically positive feeling in me as they're happening, are things that I really benefit from reflecting on, feeling grateful for, and noticing more in future as a result of a gratitude practice.

Yes, maybe I'm being noticeably ungrateful by not taking time to appreciate the roof over my head. But you know what, I used to set out on long runs, thinking "I really should be appreciating how lucky I am to be able to do this, but it's just normal to me, I don't know how." Then I got sick, couldn't run for a few years, and have recovered to the point I can now do short runs again. I appreciate them physically, viscerally, and feel grateful for them, in a way I just couldn't before. And I don't feel bad about before-me, because I just didn't have it in me to appreciate it before, now I do.
posted by penguin pie at 8:58 AM on December 18, 2024 [1 favorite]


Best answer: One day I won’t be here at all. So I’m glad to experience any of it, the good the bad the whatever. I’m grateful to be a witness.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:23 AM on December 18, 2024


Best answer: What does work for me is briefly expressing gratitude in the moment. When I'm having a good day at work; when my wife does something nice for me; when my cat purrs in my lap; when a friend shares good news; whatever it is. In the moment, right then, not later.


Like Tomorrowful, this is how I more or less practice gratitude. Again, I don't know if it's because I am a couple of years out from 50, or the past five years have been such A Thing, but I am so grateful for where I am, who I am (talk about a lot of work!), and what I have. Just pausing in the moment to realize how hard your partner makes you laugh (and realizing there is so much laughter in your marriage) or being cozy with a book as the cats be cats around you. Things like that.

I don't know, I think you have to discern what feels right for you, whether it be writing down three things you are grateful for, or just acknowledging your love and luck in the moment. Honestly, it can sound so granola or positive vibes only-ish, but I don't think we say thank you internally enough for the small joys in our lives.
posted by Kitteh at 9:23 AM on December 18, 2024 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Two things I say frequently (either to myself or to my husband):

"Every day is a gift." -- Acknowledging that we are lucky just to be alive today, as there's really no guarantee.

"We don't get what we deserve, thank God." -- Recognizing that we aren't entitled to the good things in our lives, and the fact that we still have them - at least for this moment - is a big Win.
posted by egeanin at 12:58 PM on December 18, 2024 [2 favorites]


Best answer: Another variation is this practice: Gratitude Lists Are B.S. — It Was an "Ingratitude" List That Saved Me

I find I'm best served by having variety, and drawing on both, with variations and permutations, keeps the practice fresh and most impactful.
posted by concinnity at 5:09 PM on December 18, 2024 [2 favorites]


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