How can I help my father to be safe from falling?
October 8, 2024 12:47 AM Subscribe
My father is in his late eighties. He's been falling for a while now, and hurt himself quite a few times, but neither he, nor my siblings seem to understand how dangerous this can be for his autonomy and quality of life. My question is:
what practical things can I do to make his environment safer?
I don't live with my father. My sister does, but she tells me that the fact that he's not broken a hip yet means that "he's tough" and we don't have to do anything proactively to prevent further falls. Despite the fact that he's hurt himself badly enough to need stitches in his face and hands.
She also actively discourages him from following the advice his doctor and physio gives him on how to avoid falling, and gets angry at me when I push back on this. She tells him he's not the kind of person who needs to use assistive devices.
I understand where this is coming from - my father can be very stubborn, and living with him means she has to do a lot of the day-to-day care work, so I think this is just one whole area of possible conflict that she'd prefer to avoid. However she also resists any attempt from me to arrange for somebody to help her, or any discussion of alternative living arrangements for my father where he will have easier access to care.
All my siblings (there are four of us) resist discussing any of this with my father, reacting as if even bringing up the topic with him is the same as bullying or forcing him. I talk to him directly myself, but I'm the youngest, and female, and he doesn't really take me seriously.
I've made some headway with this: he has agreed to an alert system where he wears a panic button on his wrist that contacts a specialist eldercare emergency call center, and we've installed an emergency keybox so that emergency response people can get in. I have to check the keybox every time I visit because my sister tends to remove the keys when she can't find her own, but it's still pretty good.
What I've learnt from all this is that it works better to just totally side-step the family dynamics of conflict with siblings, trying to convince them of things etc. Now I just present my father with options, which he might or might not agree to. If he agrees without my sister realising the idea comes from me, she generally agrees too.
So long preamble - on Friday my father felt very wobbly on his feet, and then fell into the bath. He's a heavy guy, and my sister had to get the neighbours to help him get out, and she also hurt her back in the process. My father then fell in the bedroom again.
Both of them tell me "it's fine!" that he didn't hurt himself, no problem, no reason to do anything.
I bought him a walker after the previous time he hurt himself really badly from a fall. He refuses to use it on the principle that he doesn't believe it will help. I understand that is not the real reason he's refusing. I think he doesn't want to use it because getting old is horrible, and using a walker is accepting the reality of mortality and loss of autonomy. I'm not going to try to force him. But am I correct, that a walker is the right tool for this situation - for an old man who is wobbly on his feet, and needs to get around in the kitchen and bathroom without randomly falling over?
I got him a cane - which he now uses all the time - so I have hope that he might change his mind about the walker too?
Would one of those "canes with four feet" be a better device for him to use in the bathroom?
We have made the bathroom relatively eldercare safe - this is one thing my sister eventually did agree to. There are grab bars, and the shower doesn't have any tripping hazards.
I think we might be at the point where my father needs live-in-care from somebody strong enough to pick him up when he falls. My siblings seem to be happy to wait until he injures himself enough to be bed bound so that the issue is forced.
I don't think I can do this alone - I think I need my siblings on my side if we're to convince my father to accept these things. Should I just leave it and do my little bits of things to improve the situation as much as I can? I've been unable to get them to have a meeting about this, and my sister gets angry at me if she realises that I communicate about it with the other siblings without her being involved.
I don't live with my father. My sister does, but she tells me that the fact that he's not broken a hip yet means that "he's tough" and we don't have to do anything proactively to prevent further falls. Despite the fact that he's hurt himself badly enough to need stitches in his face and hands.
She also actively discourages him from following the advice his doctor and physio gives him on how to avoid falling, and gets angry at me when I push back on this. She tells him he's not the kind of person who needs to use assistive devices.
I understand where this is coming from - my father can be very stubborn, and living with him means she has to do a lot of the day-to-day care work, so I think this is just one whole area of possible conflict that she'd prefer to avoid. However she also resists any attempt from me to arrange for somebody to help her, or any discussion of alternative living arrangements for my father where he will have easier access to care.
All my siblings (there are four of us) resist discussing any of this with my father, reacting as if even bringing up the topic with him is the same as bullying or forcing him. I talk to him directly myself, but I'm the youngest, and female, and he doesn't really take me seriously.
I've made some headway with this: he has agreed to an alert system where he wears a panic button on his wrist that contacts a specialist eldercare emergency call center, and we've installed an emergency keybox so that emergency response people can get in. I have to check the keybox every time I visit because my sister tends to remove the keys when she can't find her own, but it's still pretty good.
What I've learnt from all this is that it works better to just totally side-step the family dynamics of conflict with siblings, trying to convince them of things etc. Now I just present my father with options, which he might or might not agree to. If he agrees without my sister realising the idea comes from me, she generally agrees too.
So long preamble - on Friday my father felt very wobbly on his feet, and then fell into the bath. He's a heavy guy, and my sister had to get the neighbours to help him get out, and she also hurt her back in the process. My father then fell in the bedroom again.
Both of them tell me "it's fine!" that he didn't hurt himself, no problem, no reason to do anything.
I bought him a walker after the previous time he hurt himself really badly from a fall. He refuses to use it on the principle that he doesn't believe it will help. I understand that is not the real reason he's refusing. I think he doesn't want to use it because getting old is horrible, and using a walker is accepting the reality of mortality and loss of autonomy. I'm not going to try to force him. But am I correct, that a walker is the right tool for this situation - for an old man who is wobbly on his feet, and needs to get around in the kitchen and bathroom without randomly falling over?
I got him a cane - which he now uses all the time - so I have hope that he might change his mind about the walker too?
Would one of those "canes with four feet" be a better device for him to use in the bathroom?
We have made the bathroom relatively eldercare safe - this is one thing my sister eventually did agree to. There are grab bars, and the shower doesn't have any tripping hazards.
I think we might be at the point where my father needs live-in-care from somebody strong enough to pick him up when he falls. My siblings seem to be happy to wait until he injures himself enough to be bed bound so that the issue is forced.
I don't think I can do this alone - I think I need my siblings on my side if we're to convince my father to accept these things. Should I just leave it and do my little bits of things to improve the situation as much as I can? I've been unable to get them to have a meeting about this, and my sister gets angry at me if she realises that I communicate about it with the other siblings without her being involved.
Ways to reduce falls risks include:
checking there is adequate lighting, including for night time toilet visits and also outdoors;
checking shoes fit well and have soles with good grip;
checking eyesight (eyesight plays a significant role in falls in older people)
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 1:31 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]
checking there is adequate lighting, including for night time toilet visits and also outdoors;
checking shoes fit well and have soles with good grip;
checking eyesight (eyesight plays a significant role in falls in older people)
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 1:31 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]
Would your father be open to wearing a padded hip guard? These are garments that don't prevent falls, but DO significantly reduce the chance of breaking a hip if you fall.
This is one example, but there are multiple models on the market.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 1:32 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]
This is one example, but there are multiple models on the market.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 1:32 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]
You have two other siblings who, if I’m reading this right, don’t live with your dad either. Can you talk to them individually and get them more on board with helping your sister and dad accept reality?
Especially if they are brothers, because it sounds like there is a bunch of gender nonsense in your family dynamic and you might as well take advantage of it. If possible, get them to think it was their own idea, that they have officially changed their minds and should be listened to. My mom pulled off something similar with her two older brothers and her older sister, when their mom needed to move out of her big house she somehow got her oldest brother to think it was his idea that his mom needed to downsize and get a lot more care, and the pieces sort of fell into place.
Notably though money was not much of a concern for that branch of the family, so it was more about changing emotions and perceptions than about financial capacity. It might help you to do some research on the cost of EMT and ER services compared to the cost of some better assistive devices or care people as preventative medicine, so you’ve got some numbers to help your dad make good decisions.
If there are any stairs for him to navigate, of course rearrange the house so he can stick to the first floor only. The note about carpets above is important - your sister might have to accept some redecoration, but better some stored throw rugs than a hip replacement. An exterior ramp is usually relatively simple to design and install, so he can have a gentler transition in and out of the house and feel less trapped. If there are uneven floor transitions anywhere, you can get threshold transition overlay strips that make it a much gentler change. They tend to be pretty ugly but are definitely worth it. Materials and installation vary but that would be a relatively inexpensive upgrade, especially between different floor types like wood to tile.
posted by Mizu at 1:36 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]
Especially if they are brothers, because it sounds like there is a bunch of gender nonsense in your family dynamic and you might as well take advantage of it. If possible, get them to think it was their own idea, that they have officially changed their minds and should be listened to. My mom pulled off something similar with her two older brothers and her older sister, when their mom needed to move out of her big house she somehow got her oldest brother to think it was his idea that his mom needed to downsize and get a lot more care, and the pieces sort of fell into place.
Notably though money was not much of a concern for that branch of the family, so it was more about changing emotions and perceptions than about financial capacity. It might help you to do some research on the cost of EMT and ER services compared to the cost of some better assistive devices or care people as preventative medicine, so you’ve got some numbers to help your dad make good decisions.
If there are any stairs for him to navigate, of course rearrange the house so he can stick to the first floor only. The note about carpets above is important - your sister might have to accept some redecoration, but better some stored throw rugs than a hip replacement. An exterior ramp is usually relatively simple to design and install, so he can have a gentler transition in and out of the house and feel less trapped. If there are uneven floor transitions anywhere, you can get threshold transition overlay strips that make it a much gentler change. They tend to be pretty ugly but are definitely worth it. Materials and installation vary but that would be a relatively inexpensive upgrade, especially between different floor types like wood to tile.
posted by Mizu at 1:36 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]
For the shower, a folded seat (attached to wall, folds up when not in use) may help. And make sure he has something to hold on to when sitting down on the bed or pulling himself upright - a sturdy table moved close enough can do it, or a chair with a high back facing out from the bed.
You're already doing so much, and adapting to the way your family resists. Sounds like you're doing the best possible under the circumstances.
posted by I claim sanctuary at 2:14 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]
You're already doing so much, and adapting to the way your family resists. Sounds like you're doing the best possible under the circumstances.
posted by I claim sanctuary at 2:14 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]
Make sure that the bathroom door opens outwards, not inwards. Probably important for the bedroom door too. This is so that if he falls while inside the room, you can still open the door to get to him and have more room to move through the doorway.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 2:14 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]
posted by kinddieserzeit at 2:14 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]
Resources about preventing falls by making the home environment safer
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 2:27 AM on October 8 [3 favorites]
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 2:27 AM on October 8 [3 favorites]
My parents had multiple falls in their 90s. It get worse as they get more fragile-- my mother broke some ribs on one fall.
A walker definitely helps, a lot. Does the one you bought have a tray? That could be a selling point-- he can take things with him around the house. Can you try to have him use it when he's outside the house, where non-level ground is a huge concern?
Do they have physical therapy available? At one point my mom went from being nearly bedridden to being able to walk up and down the corridors of the rehab place, and she was already in her 90s. You can build muscle at any age. Conversely, it's heartbreaking to see someone losing the ability to do everyday things because their strength is going.
My parents had handrails put in along the walls of their hallways.
My guess is that your sister is in denial because she doesn't want to feel that she isn't taking care of him enough. But the fall in the bathroom shows that he is already too much to handle. Try to put it to her that you want to keep your father in his own house as long as possible, and mitigating falls is part of that. A bad enough fall (e.g. a broken hip) and he's going to be in a hospital or rehab house.
posted by zompist at 2:51 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]
A walker definitely helps, a lot. Does the one you bought have a tray? That could be a selling point-- he can take things with him around the house. Can you try to have him use it when he's outside the house, where non-level ground is a huge concern?
Do they have physical therapy available? At one point my mom went from being nearly bedridden to being able to walk up and down the corridors of the rehab place, and she was already in her 90s. You can build muscle at any age. Conversely, it's heartbreaking to see someone losing the ability to do everyday things because their strength is going.
My parents had handrails put in along the walls of their hallways.
My guess is that your sister is in denial because she doesn't want to feel that she isn't taking care of him enough. But the fall in the bathroom shows that he is already too much to handle. Try to put it to her that you want to keep your father in his own house as long as possible, and mitigating falls is part of that. A bad enough fall (e.g. a broken hip) and he's going to be in a hospital or rehab house.
posted by zompist at 2:51 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]
A walker with wheels, yes. It's for balance, there's no need to use the old fashioned kind without wheels. Indoors this kind is fine: light, easy to manouver, provides support for walking without falling. If he's tripping, get a 2 wheeled one. Outdoors a rollator would be better. They don't need to be awful and institutional; I have had a couple of people ask me where I got mine because it's not that ugly. The seat is great; I don't use the bag and detached it (also it's ugly.)
posted by DarlingBri at 5:34 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 5:34 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]
When my mom got out of the hospital after an illness a couple of years ago the hospital sent an occupational therapist to the house to literally walk around the house and identify potential hazards that might be less obvious to a non-professional and to recommend ways to mitigate the hazards. If he will agree to let you do this, it might not be a bad idea as there may be home-specific things that be identified and addressed. I think in that case there was also funding available for the mitigation, but I assume that will vary.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 5:41 AM on October 8 [7 favorites]
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 5:41 AM on October 8 [7 favorites]
I found this YouTube channel helpful when caring for an older relative. It's an OT demonstrating various tips for installing raised toilet seats, grab bars, and other helpful stuff around the house. I think there's something about seeing a friendly young person setting this stuff up-- and seeing it the same way that you'd research any other DIY home project, on YouTube-- that helped normalize it and remove some of the direness and stigma.
Seconding Mizu, I'd guess there are difficult gender dynamics in play around your dad's sense of self-sufficiency and self-reliance. If any of the four siblings are brothers, maybe they can step up and do some work here. I find with some older male relatives, they'll be resistant when something is presented as a serious concern that needs care, but, sometimes you can come at it sideways by lightly mocking them a little bit. For some tough guys, they might respond better to a half-joking razzing ("Jeez, you're a mess my man, you gotta get that looked at!" "Hah, I know right?" "Yeah, no, but for real"). This will usually work better coming from someone they see as a trusted peer rather than an authority figure.
posted by hovey at 6:21 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]
Seconding Mizu, I'd guess there are difficult gender dynamics in play around your dad's sense of self-sufficiency and self-reliance. If any of the four siblings are brothers, maybe they can step up and do some work here. I find with some older male relatives, they'll be resistant when something is presented as a serious concern that needs care, but, sometimes you can come at it sideways by lightly mocking them a little bit. For some tough guys, they might respond better to a half-joking razzing ("Jeez, you're a mess my man, you gotta get that looked at!" "Hah, I know right?" "Yeah, no, but for real"). This will usually work better coming from someone they see as a trusted peer rather than an authority figure.
posted by hovey at 6:21 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]
A couple of things to consider when talking to your family members:
Falls create internal injuries that may not be as obvious as a broken bone, but the fall can cause internal bleeding beneath the skin and muscles that can become difficult for the body to clear as someone gets older.
Our elder tangled herself up in her bedsheets getting out of the bed to use the toilet, and fell flat on her face. We took her to emergency to get examined, and she had broken her nose, which was not obvious right away, and the bruising did not become visible until a day or so later. So falls should ideally be followed up thoroughly by a medical professional.
Keeping the bedsheets and clothing picked up and out of her way was a constant battle, but very necessary to keep her from tripping. As her dementia progressed, she tended to fling whatever she was holding away like a little kid, then trip over it later on so we had to stay on top of it by cleaning the floors regularly.
She resisted the idea of a walker, but really liked the rolling walker with a little table and she needed the red one. So little details like that can make them amenable to the idea.
posted by effluvia at 6:38 AM on October 8 [5 favorites]
Falls create internal injuries that may not be as obvious as a broken bone, but the fall can cause internal bleeding beneath the skin and muscles that can become difficult for the body to clear as someone gets older.
Our elder tangled herself up in her bedsheets getting out of the bed to use the toilet, and fell flat on her face. We took her to emergency to get examined, and she had broken her nose, which was not obvious right away, and the bruising did not become visible until a day or so later. So falls should ideally be followed up thoroughly by a medical professional.
Keeping the bedsheets and clothing picked up and out of her way was a constant battle, but very necessary to keep her from tripping. As her dementia progressed, she tended to fling whatever she was holding away like a little kid, then trip over it later on so we had to stay on top of it by cleaning the floors regularly.
She resisted the idea of a walker, but really liked the rolling walker with a little table and she needed the red one. So little details like that can make them amenable to the idea.
posted by effluvia at 6:38 AM on October 8 [5 favorites]
2nd-ing Hovey's link to EquipMeOT. She's a great resource for all sorts of adaptive devices.
There are a variety of nicer, less industrial looking grab bars now, too. Including some that are integrated into your toilet paper holder. See these two recommended ones.
Lastly, does your father have a GP? When I was meeting with mine just yesterday, they asked me if I'd like a home safety assessment (I have some mobility issues). I wonder if your father's healthcare system can arrange for something similar.
posted by hydra77 at 6:46 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]
There are a variety of nicer, less industrial looking grab bars now, too. Including some that are integrated into your toilet paper holder. See these two recommended ones.
Lastly, does your father have a GP? When I was meeting with mine just yesterday, they asked me if I'd like a home safety assessment (I have some mobility issues). I wonder if your father's healthcare system can arrange for something similar.
posted by hydra77 at 6:46 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]
For the bathtub, there are chairs made to fit inside so he can sit while showering. If the bath didn't have a handheld showerhead I'd get one, and also make sure that it can be positioned and stored at the end of use in a place that's easily reachable while sitting in the chair.
posted by trig at 6:46 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]
posted by trig at 6:46 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]
Also, if it happens often that your father feels wobbly before he falls, that's potentially something that can be worked on. (A) a physical therapist (or someone more palatable - maybe there's someone who does martial arts for seniors?) can work with him on preemptively lowering himself down as soon as he starts feeling unsteady, before he falls. I'm guessing he probably doesn't have the ability to seat himself down on the floor anymore - that might be something he can work on. It might be possible to sell this, as well as things like strength training with a PT, as ways to keep him independent and "tough" for longer. (B) Has he been evaluated by a doctor for why he gets wobbly? It's not impossible there's some cause that's relatively treatable.
Have you ever asked your sister straight out if she wants him to be bedridden, and to have to take care of him when he's bedridden? That obviously might be the wrong way to go depending on her personality, but if you think it wouldn't start WWIII maybe pin her down, just one time, about what exactly reality looks like. Or ask her to come up with a plan for when that happens.
(I'd also think about whether she's feeling unthanked and unappreciated for her caretaking, and if so try to work on that too.)
posted by trig at 7:01 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]
Have you ever asked your sister straight out if she wants him to be bedridden, and to have to take care of him when he's bedridden? That obviously might be the wrong way to go depending on her personality, but if you think it wouldn't start WWIII maybe pin her down, just one time, about what exactly reality looks like. Or ask her to come up with a plan for when that happens.
(I'd also think about whether she's feeling unthanked and unappreciated for her caretaking, and if so try to work on that too.)
posted by trig at 7:01 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]
You can try to plant the germ of the idea as suggested above, but with my dad the only thing that actually worked was when my mom had to call EMTs twice in one day to help him up after falls. The second time the EMTs came, they, uh, strongly encouraged him to let them transport him to the hospital, and he listened to them. The hospital then admitted him, kept him a couple nights, and released him into skilled nursing, because they didn't trust him to go home.
I should note that he had stage 4 brain cancer and wasn't just stubborn about risk, but I will also note that two other friends were going through repeated problems with parents falling around the same time, and neither of those parents had brain cancer as an excuse. And even when he ended up in skilled nursing with a big FALL RISK sign on his bed and another on the door to his room, the actual monitoring was so inconsistent that he fell twice and was only found later (in one case, apparently MUCH later).
posted by fedward at 7:43 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]
I should note that he had stage 4 brain cancer and wasn't just stubborn about risk, but I will also note that two other friends were going through repeated problems with parents falling around the same time, and neither of those parents had brain cancer as an excuse. And even when he ended up in skilled nursing with a big FALL RISK sign on his bed and another on the door to his room, the actual monitoring was so inconsistent that he fell twice and was only found later (in one case, apparently MUCH later).
posted by fedward at 7:43 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]
Regarding "canes with four feet", I've had one of those and the extra "toes" on the end are a little useful in going up- or down-hill, but do not, in my experience with them, provide additional stability on the flat. Moreover, the extra weight on the end makes such canes more awkward to maneuver. I switched to a one-toed cane and do not intend to switch back.
posted by SPrintF at 8:23 AM on October 8
posted by SPrintF at 8:23 AM on October 8
* You can often find a physical therapist who will come to the home to work with the person
* In case of falls where the person can't get themselves back up, that is exactly what 9-1-1 is for. They are happy to come out & help with these situations. It avoids random family members & neighbors injuring themselves - and the person re-injuring themselves even further - because the paramedics have the right know-how and equipment, plus several strong young people used to doing this kind of work
posted by flug at 8:25 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]
* In case of falls where the person can't get themselves back up, that is exactly what 9-1-1 is for. They are happy to come out & help with these situations. It avoids random family members & neighbors injuring themselves - and the person re-injuring themselves even further - because the paramedics have the right know-how and equipment, plus several strong young people used to doing this kind of work
posted by flug at 8:25 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]
It's so great he actually uses the cane. Victory! I got my mom two hiking sticks on the theory that they'd look like athletic gear and not mobility aides, but it was a fail. They freak her out and she never uses them. My aunt had a big single black rugged, like, touring stick thing in the back of her SUV and mom used it every day to walk down to the beach. Clearly it's time to get one of those. You might try just putting a walker in the house and seeing if he uses it like he uses the cane and if not, try one of a different profile.
posted by Don Pepino at 9:39 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]
posted by Don Pepino at 9:39 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]
Another useful tool here is to help your dad access resources on HOW to fall.
Prevention is wonderful and necessary, but realistically, he's likely to fall again in some situation (perhaps not at home). And one thing seniors are being taught these days is how to reduce damage when they inevitably take a tumble. This is just one resource, but there are many, including videos.
posted by yellowcandy at 9:46 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]
Prevention is wonderful and necessary, but realistically, he's likely to fall again in some situation (perhaps not at home). And one thing seniors are being taught these days is how to reduce damage when they inevitably take a tumble. This is just one resource, but there are many, including videos.
posted by yellowcandy at 9:46 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]
You're trying to convince four adults to do things they have no interest in doing. Your love and concern for your dad obviously drives a lot of that. And certainly in what appears to be a gendered set of roles, you may be worried that you'll be responsible for more care for your dad if anything happens to him, so ensuring his safety now makes sense for that reason, too. That's incredibly frustrating.
By continuing to spearhead these efforts, however, you may be setting yourself up for a damned if you do, damned if you don't result: experiencing a lot of worry and responsibility on the front end that isn't resulting in many improvements for your dad even though you get the blowback from your sister, and on the back end creating a sense of ownership (at 'best') and resentment (at worst) in your siblings when/if something does happen with your dad.
Two things to try, even for a few months:
1) Nothing. Do nothing. Your sister, your dad, and your other siblings obviously have the mental and physical ability to make changes for your dad's safety. They are choosing not to. Send your sister some flowers. Maybe some soup. Some funny memes. But other than that, do nothing. You cannot make them want something for themselves more than they do.
2) Communicate to your sister and/or your brothers that you presume they will be in charge when your dad needs more care. Not in an asshat way. But in a clear and genuine way. To your sister: "I appreciate that you take care of Dad so much. It's really comforting to know you're in charge." To a brother: "I'm glad Dad is still as healthy as he is. I'll be sad when he needs more care. When that happens, please reach out if there's anything I can do to help make your job easier." Saying out loud that they are the decision-maker, the point person, the first call, etc. may wake them up a little to a desire for help, and a willingness to accept help.
posted by cocoagirl at 9:52 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]
By continuing to spearhead these efforts, however, you may be setting yourself up for a damned if you do, damned if you don't result: experiencing a lot of worry and responsibility on the front end that isn't resulting in many improvements for your dad even though you get the blowback from your sister, and on the back end creating a sense of ownership (at 'best') and resentment (at worst) in your siblings when/if something does happen with your dad.
Two things to try, even for a few months:
1) Nothing. Do nothing. Your sister, your dad, and your other siblings obviously have the mental and physical ability to make changes for your dad's safety. They are choosing not to. Send your sister some flowers. Maybe some soup. Some funny memes. But other than that, do nothing. You cannot make them want something for themselves more than they do.
2) Communicate to your sister and/or your brothers that you presume they will be in charge when your dad needs more care. Not in an asshat way. But in a clear and genuine way. To your sister: "I appreciate that you take care of Dad so much. It's really comforting to know you're in charge." To a brother: "I'm glad Dad is still as healthy as he is. I'll be sad when he needs more care. When that happens, please reach out if there's anything I can do to help make your job easier." Saying out loud that they are the decision-maker, the point person, the first call, etc. may wake them up a little to a desire for help, and a willingness to accept help.
posted by cocoagirl at 9:52 AM on October 8 [2 favorites]
Nthing that you should be able to get someone to come to the house and look it over for hazards. We got someone by contacting the local Council on Aging.
And, also nthing that there needs to be a ground rule that every fall is followed immediately by a trip to the ER. That will get old fast, so you may be able to use it as leverage to get someone in to assess the house. My aunt fell, seemed fine so we just stayed home - and two days later was in really bad shape and we called 911. Turns out she had ruptured her spleen in the original fall. You just do not know.
You can also put a bike basket on the walker and that helps them remember to use it too.
posted by mygothlaundry at 10:53 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]
And, also nthing that there needs to be a ground rule that every fall is followed immediately by a trip to the ER. That will get old fast, so you may be able to use it as leverage to get someone in to assess the house. My aunt fell, seemed fine so we just stayed home - and two days later was in really bad shape and we called 911. Turns out she had ruptured her spleen in the original fall. You just do not know.
You can also put a bike basket on the walker and that helps them remember to use it too.
posted by mygothlaundry at 10:53 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]
What is his quality of life otherwise?
I once asked a great aunt who was 98 if she wanted to hang in there to get a letter from the President when she turns 100 or at least a mention from Willard Scott. Her response was telling. "Johnny, I have lived a long life full of adventure, family, friends and everything I wanted. All my friends are gone now. Two of my children preceded me in death. My only goal is to enjoy today and make it to Jeopardy at 7. If I did not wake up tomorrow, so be it."
Maybe he is at that point in his life where he says he is going to live his life as he sees fit and if something happens, well, it happens. Maybe he is not looking to prolong the inevitable. Obviously, I have no idea, but I bring it up as another point of view.
I have posted this quote before in a thread, "You ain't going to learn what you don't want to know". Maybe he just does not want to use a walker or use any artificial help. In your late 80s, you ain't going to do what you don't want to do. Or teach an old dog a new trick.
If it were me, I would put grab bars in halls and the bathroom and anywhere it might get used and tell them that you have done all you can do if they don't want to participate in their own safety precautions.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:08 AM on October 8
I once asked a great aunt who was 98 if she wanted to hang in there to get a letter from the President when she turns 100 or at least a mention from Willard Scott. Her response was telling. "Johnny, I have lived a long life full of adventure, family, friends and everything I wanted. All my friends are gone now. Two of my children preceded me in death. My only goal is to enjoy today and make it to Jeopardy at 7. If I did not wake up tomorrow, so be it."
Maybe he is at that point in his life where he says he is going to live his life as he sees fit and if something happens, well, it happens. Maybe he is not looking to prolong the inevitable. Obviously, I have no idea, but I bring it up as another point of view.
I have posted this quote before in a thread, "You ain't going to learn what you don't want to know". Maybe he just does not want to use a walker or use any artificial help. In your late 80s, you ain't going to do what you don't want to do. Or teach an old dog a new trick.
If it were me, I would put grab bars in halls and the bathroom and anywhere it might get used and tell them that you have done all you can do if they don't want to participate in their own safety precautions.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:08 AM on October 8
We can drive ourselves crazy trying to get other people to take care of themselves. "If only I can say just the right thing, I'll convince them," we think. But we can't control what other people do. We can give them advice and suggestions. And then, well, people get to make their own poor choices. What we can control, or try to control, are our own reactions to their lack of action in response to our concerns.
A few years ago, my sibling was super stressed about the living situation of one of our parents. I agreed completely with sibling's assessment of the situation, but disagreed that we could actually do anything about it until our parent decided to do something about it. That doesn't mean don't have the conversation. It means, have the conversation, and then focus on yourself and your feelings about it, and letting it go, in therapy if possible.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:38 AM on October 8
A few years ago, my sibling was super stressed about the living situation of one of our parents. I agreed completely with sibling's assessment of the situation, but disagreed that we could actually do anything about it until our parent decided to do something about it. That doesn't mean don't have the conversation. It means, have the conversation, and then focus on yourself and your feelings about it, and letting it go, in therapy if possible.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:38 AM on October 8
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One piece of low-hanging fruit that you might be able to grab off the tree: Are there throw rugs or rugs other than wall-to-wall carpet around his house? Those things are menaces to people with mobility issues. If you can get rid of them entirely, do so.
posted by rabia.elizabeth at 1:02 AM on October 8 [7 favorites]