Calmness during conflict
October 7, 2024 10:58 PM Subscribe
A colleague has upset me at work. I have written to my boss about this. I might discuss the issue during a video call with one or two of my superiors. (We are remote from each other.) Do you have any mind tricks to help me be calm and even during such a discussion?
The situation includes potential gender bias. I think the particulars of the conflict, or specific wording, aren't needed for this question. Just help me be on an even keel. The discussion will be at least a day after being faced with the problem.
The situation includes potential gender bias. I think the particulars of the conflict, or specific wording, aren't needed for this question. Just help me be on an even keel. The discussion will be at least a day after being faced with the problem.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this! A few suggestions:
1. Write down what you want to say and if things get difficult, don't hesitate to just read from your pre-written notes
2. Plant both your feet firmly on the floor before starting the meeting and do a few deep inhales with longer exhales. This will help calm your nervous system.
3. If an emotion feels overwhelming in the moment, don't hesitate to pause for a few moments, breathe again, then keep going.
posted by ukdanae at 12:46 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]
1. Write down what you want to say and if things get difficult, don't hesitate to just read from your pre-written notes
2. Plant both your feet firmly on the floor before starting the meeting and do a few deep inhales with longer exhales. This will help calm your nervous system.
3. If an emotion feels overwhelming in the moment, don't hesitate to pause for a few moments, breathe again, then keep going.
posted by ukdanae at 12:46 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]
I think notes are great, as on a Zoom that might not even be noticed by others.
I also find that writing down comments helps me to have something to focus on, so maybe try that as well? I like pen and paper for that.
However, you might want to see if your comments are going to be appreciated by management first? Let’s just say that sometimes managers might not “get it” and although you would have the moral high ground about speaking up, if the issue isn’t treated seriously, you might end up more annoyed. (Not that I know anything about that, grrr!!!!)
You know yourself best, but just wanted to highlight that as a risk. Or worse, sometimes the person who speaks up about a problem is treated as the problem. It’s bad management, but it can happen.
posted by ec2y at 2:15 AM on October 8
I also find that writing down comments helps me to have something to focus on, so maybe try that as well? I like pen and paper for that.
However, you might want to see if your comments are going to be appreciated by management first? Let’s just say that sometimes managers might not “get it” and although you would have the moral high ground about speaking up, if the issue isn’t treated seriously, you might end up more annoyed. (Not that I know anything about that, grrr!!!!)
You know yourself best, but just wanted to highlight that as a risk. Or worse, sometimes the person who speaks up about a problem is treated as the problem. It’s bad management, but it can happen.
posted by ec2y at 2:15 AM on October 8
Do a physical release before the call - shake out your hands, arms, whole body. Then, take several deep breaths, and relax your shoulders.
Last, right before and during the call, put on your most confident face. Say out loud before, and during the meeting think things like "I am right. I am a consummate professional. I will state my case and take all questions and comments in good faith, with grace, and with the goal of maintaining relationships and (whatever your ideal outcome is). I am a badass bitch." **This last one might not work for you, it's very centering and "professionalizing" for me, lol.
And, afterwards, call the friend that you know you can complain to and gossip with, and give them a full rundown. This can help process feelings and let your body return to normal from the "flight/fight/freeze" feeling.
Good luck!
posted by Sparky Buttons at 3:53 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]
Last, right before and during the call, put on your most confident face. Say out loud before, and during the meeting think things like "I am right. I am a consummate professional. I will state my case and take all questions and comments in good faith, with grace, and with the goal of maintaining relationships and (whatever your ideal outcome is). I am a badass bitch." **This last one might not work for you, it's very centering and "professionalizing" for me, lol.
And, afterwards, call the friend that you know you can complain to and gossip with, and give them a full rundown. This can help process feelings and let your body return to normal from the "flight/fight/freeze" feeling.
Good luck!
posted by Sparky Buttons at 3:53 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]
Just in case you do cry, don't worry it's okay, here's a line you can use:
- (take a moment to gather yourself)
- "I'm sorry. I care about [company] and my role here a lot. I'm upset that this incident has interfered in the good work that I want to do here and I want to move on from this productively."
- (someone else's turn to talk now)
Adjust that line to suit the situation better if needed, but the key piece if you do start crying is to not feel bad about it and flip it as quickly as you can into a reflection about how much you care about the work that you do.
The first work conflict conversation I ever had with my current boss (before he was my boss, a week after he started working for our company) I cried. I was so embarrassed. To his eternal credit, HE said "I can tell how much you care about working here" and gave me time to collect myself before we continued the conversation. He said the magic line that let it stay professional even when my limbic system was betraying me.
posted by phunniemee at 4:20 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]
- (take a moment to gather yourself)
- "I'm sorry. I care about [company] and my role here a lot. I'm upset that this incident has interfered in the good work that I want to do here and I want to move on from this productively."
- (someone else's turn to talk now)
Adjust that line to suit the situation better if needed, but the key piece if you do start crying is to not feel bad about it and flip it as quickly as you can into a reflection about how much you care about the work that you do.
The first work conflict conversation I ever had with my current boss (before he was my boss, a week after he started working for our company) I cried. I was so embarrassed. To his eternal credit, HE said "I can tell how much you care about working here" and gave me time to collect myself before we continued the conversation. He said the magic line that let it stay professional even when my limbic system was betraying me.
posted by phunniemee at 4:20 AM on October 8 [1 favorite]
The conversation with your superiors should not entail any conflict, right? Only you know how these individuals conduct conversations in general. But it is very important you are clear what you want to achieve by talking to them.
Do you want to:
- make them aware of the incident - tell the story very factually using unemotional language
- request a change of process or policy to avoid same scenario
- have them talk to the colleague about their behaviour and how it affects others
- join a conversation with you and colleague to help clear the air
- ?
They may have different objectives than you and different perceptions of the situation, you and/or the colleague.
So you may not get what you want and may have to thank them for meeting with you to discuss anyway.
posted by koahiatamadl at 6:00 AM on October 8
Do you want to:
- make them aware of the incident - tell the story very factually using unemotional language
- request a change of process or policy to avoid same scenario
- have them talk to the colleague about their behaviour and how it affects others
- join a conversation with you and colleague to help clear the air
- ?
They may have different objectives than you and different perceptions of the situation, you and/or the colleague.
So you may not get what you want and may have to thank them for meeting with you to discuss anyway.
posted by koahiatamadl at 6:00 AM on October 8
The best tip I ever received was to practice speaking out loud in front of a mirror until I had my words and tone exactly the way I wanted them. It helped so much to get it exactly right, out loud. I also agree with planting your feet. Ground yourself first.
posted by raisingsand at 6:52 AM on October 8
posted by raisingsand at 6:52 AM on October 8
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Prep a cup of tea (or dealer's choice); every sip remind yourself that this meetinglayer. gently explain the background and make the ask. This is likely not the meeting where you get an answer. That's later.
posted by j_curiouser at 12:00 AM on October 8