Reconnecting to break up with a friend?
October 6, 2024 10:15 AM Subscribe
Reconnecting with an old friend, but I don’t think I want to be friends anymore. I’ve never done a friend breakup and usually do a mutual fade away, but I don’t think I can do that this time. I also want to give reconnecting a chance, but I have a hunch it’s not going to work out.
I was friends with this person for a long time. We’re in our 30s and have known each other since middle school. I was in their wedding. For a while, I maintained the friendship because they were the longest one I had, but over time, I realized we were not compatible. They were really bossy and pushy, and I had no boundaries and struggled with people pleasing. We became friends because we shared a sense of humor, went to the same schools, and were Very Christian.
Once I got to college, I realized I was queer (never came out to certain people, probably never will) and I became a lot less Christian. I hid or well enough until I moved states away and started becoming more myself safely. I’m still in a hetero passing relationship, but I started living with my partner without being married and lost a lot of childhood friends due to that. This friend told me she would be praying for me, but she still loves the sinner. That was highly painful for me but I’m used to that language.
A breaking point was in 2020 and my friend (who is white, and I am a person of color) said some very racist things. I remember us briefly discussing it and me mentioning how hurtful it was. I can’t even remember what we said during the convo. All I remember is we didn’t talk to each other for a year after that. She apologized on social media for her “ignorance” but never said anything to me. I was tired of trying to educate white friends. I only really became close friends with people who were willing to get it from then on.
Fast forward to now, she’s pregnant, and she’s reached out to me. I’m in a differently place boundaries wise, but I’m still working on people pleasing. She asked to catch up and I thought, sure, this might be a chance to see if she’s changed, but from her social media posts, I sort of doubt that. A close friend is afraid I’m going to get hurt again and I’m just expending energy on someone who thinks I’m a sin. The friend still doesn’t know (at least, to my knowledge, but she follows me on social media and at this point, you’d have to ignore all my queer posts) about my queerness and if she did, I don’t think she’d be accepting. She might say she’d pray for me again and never come to visit me and my partner as that would be “accepting my lifestyle” but she could be friends from afar. That’s my best guess from previous interactions. So I would not talk about that part of my identity with her. Which to me means friendship cannot happen. I do NOT want to be the “Othered” friend who teaches the sheltered person how to be accepting. I’m not doing that again.
So… I think I might have to do a friendship breakup. Right? There’s a part of me that wants to try and communicate, but only to vindicate my younger self that stifled my identity to fit into religion and community. Or to stand up for that people pleasing part. It doesn’t feel like a genuine desire for friendship on my part. I know I can’t do the fade away because this friend would reach out again (she has a couple different times but convo didn’t go anywhere.) and I would like to be better with my communication instead of ghost.
Should I try and gauge if this friend has changed? Or is that going to be too painful? If I do go through with a friend breakup, is there a simple way to do this? Go on the phone and catch up and if there’s an ask to meet up, respond with “it’s been nice catching up but I don’t think we can be friends… unless you can accept I’m queer and you’ve at least worked through your racist ideas”…? Or should I nix the reconnection completely? Maybe I’m making assumptions, but I’ve had the previous data so far.
Any advice is appreciated. Thank you x
I was friends with this person for a long time. We’re in our 30s and have known each other since middle school. I was in their wedding. For a while, I maintained the friendship because they were the longest one I had, but over time, I realized we were not compatible. They were really bossy and pushy, and I had no boundaries and struggled with people pleasing. We became friends because we shared a sense of humor, went to the same schools, and were Very Christian.
Once I got to college, I realized I was queer (never came out to certain people, probably never will) and I became a lot less Christian. I hid or well enough until I moved states away and started becoming more myself safely. I’m still in a hetero passing relationship, but I started living with my partner without being married and lost a lot of childhood friends due to that. This friend told me she would be praying for me, but she still loves the sinner. That was highly painful for me but I’m used to that language.
A breaking point was in 2020 and my friend (who is white, and I am a person of color) said some very racist things. I remember us briefly discussing it and me mentioning how hurtful it was. I can’t even remember what we said during the convo. All I remember is we didn’t talk to each other for a year after that. She apologized on social media for her “ignorance” but never said anything to me. I was tired of trying to educate white friends. I only really became close friends with people who were willing to get it from then on.
Fast forward to now, she’s pregnant, and she’s reached out to me. I’m in a differently place boundaries wise, but I’m still working on people pleasing. She asked to catch up and I thought, sure, this might be a chance to see if she’s changed, but from her social media posts, I sort of doubt that. A close friend is afraid I’m going to get hurt again and I’m just expending energy on someone who thinks I’m a sin. The friend still doesn’t know (at least, to my knowledge, but she follows me on social media and at this point, you’d have to ignore all my queer posts) about my queerness and if she did, I don’t think she’d be accepting. She might say she’d pray for me again and never come to visit me and my partner as that would be “accepting my lifestyle” but she could be friends from afar. That’s my best guess from previous interactions. So I would not talk about that part of my identity with her. Which to me means friendship cannot happen. I do NOT want to be the “Othered” friend who teaches the sheltered person how to be accepting. I’m not doing that again.
So… I think I might have to do a friendship breakup. Right? There’s a part of me that wants to try and communicate, but only to vindicate my younger self that stifled my identity to fit into religion and community. Or to stand up for that people pleasing part. It doesn’t feel like a genuine desire for friendship on my part. I know I can’t do the fade away because this friend would reach out again (she has a couple different times but convo didn’t go anywhere.) and I would like to be better with my communication instead of ghost.
Should I try and gauge if this friend has changed? Or is that going to be too painful? If I do go through with a friend breakup, is there a simple way to do this? Go on the phone and catch up and if there’s an ask to meet up, respond with “it’s been nice catching up but I don’t think we can be friends… unless you can accept I’m queer and you’ve at least worked through your racist ideas”…? Or should I nix the reconnection completely? Maybe I’m making assumptions, but I’ve had the previous data so far.
Any advice is appreciated. Thank you x
Your phrase "I do NOT want to be the “Othered” friend who teaches the sheltered person how to be accepting. " is perfect.
If she reached out to you, and you are ambivalent about reaching back, but you know that she will ignore your attempts to fade away, this would be a great thing to say, and you are well within your rights to say it.
Also, I would unfollow her on social media because you do not need to see what she is thinking, it is only going to keep hurting you. People here are going to tell you to block her but unless she starts stalking you it seems unnecessary.
posted by maggiemaggie at 10:39 AM on October 6 [8 favorites]
If she reached out to you, and you are ambivalent about reaching back, but you know that she will ignore your attempts to fade away, this would be a great thing to say, and you are well within your rights to say it.
Also, I would unfollow her on social media because you do not need to see what she is thinking, it is only going to keep hurting you. People here are going to tell you to block her but unless she starts stalking you it seems unnecessary.
posted by maggiemaggie at 10:39 AM on October 6 [8 favorites]
I don't know, I think you can go to lunch and just be your full authentic self with this person if you want. You can say things like, "please don't pray for me. My queer sexuality is not a sin." Or "I value our friendship, but only if you can value me just as I am as a queer person of color." Or, "I'd love to have you over for lunch with my partner." Or whatever is you saying, sure, we can be friends, but I'm not hiding any of myself for you. If she nopes out of that, that's on her, and you'll know she hasn't changed.
posted by shadygrove at 10:45 AM on October 6 [33 favorites]
posted by shadygrove at 10:45 AM on October 6 [33 favorites]
I see a few options:
1. Meet up with her, but promise yourself beforehand the SECOND she says something offensive and/or makes you feel unsafe, you get up and leave. You say "I'm sorry, that was extremely offensive so I'm leaving now. I'm not interested in being friends anymore." That might be considered rude, but you also have every right to protect yourself from whatever offensive BS she's saying. You DON'T have to sit through that and can remove yourself immediately from the situation. Block her after that.
2. Call her and suss her out, as you suggested. You can reference her most recent social media posts. "I saw your posts about X effed up thing. Why do you believe that or why do you think that?" She'll likely say more BS stuff in which case you can say something like, "we're really far apart on these issues so I think it's best that we not be friends anymore. This issue is too important to me that I can't agree to disagree or never talk about it." Throw in a "I'm sorry" it you feel like it. Then block. Don't get into a protracted argument about it.
3. Just say no. "I appreciate you reaching out, but I think the friendship has run its course. I think it's best that we end the friendship here. I wish you only the best." Throw in a "I'm sorry" if you feel like it. She will be sad and hurt and ask why. You can say something like "we're in different places; I'm a different person from when we were friends so I don't feel like this would be a mutually beneficial friendship for both of us anymore." Or even "I'd rather not get into it and let's let each other go. I wish you only the best in life." Then block.
If you want to communicate and have the simplest friend breakup, then #3 is the way to go. You've expended the least amount of energy and can move on quickly afterwards.
posted by foxjacket at 10:52 AM on October 6 [12 favorites]
1. Meet up with her, but promise yourself beforehand the SECOND she says something offensive and/or makes you feel unsafe, you get up and leave. You say "I'm sorry, that was extremely offensive so I'm leaving now. I'm not interested in being friends anymore." That might be considered rude, but you also have every right to protect yourself from whatever offensive BS she's saying. You DON'T have to sit through that and can remove yourself immediately from the situation. Block her after that.
2. Call her and suss her out, as you suggested. You can reference her most recent social media posts. "I saw your posts about X effed up thing. Why do you believe that or why do you think that?" She'll likely say more BS stuff in which case you can say something like, "we're really far apart on these issues so I think it's best that we not be friends anymore. This issue is too important to me that I can't agree to disagree or never talk about it." Throw in a "I'm sorry" it you feel like it. Then block. Don't get into a protracted argument about it.
3. Just say no. "I appreciate you reaching out, but I think the friendship has run its course. I think it's best that we end the friendship here. I wish you only the best." Throw in a "I'm sorry" if you feel like it. She will be sad and hurt and ask why. You can say something like "we're in different places; I'm a different person from when we were friends so I don't feel like this would be a mutually beneficial friendship for both of us anymore." Or even "I'd rather not get into it and let's let each other go. I wish you only the best in life." Then block.
If you want to communicate and have the simplest friend breakup, then #3 is the way to go. You've expended the least amount of energy and can move on quickly afterwards.
posted by foxjacket at 10:52 AM on October 6 [12 favorites]
"It's kind of you to reach out, but life doesn't permit me to reconnect right now. I'll reach back out if that changes, and I wish you so very well with pregnancy and motherhood!"
Anything more is more than needs to be said, and it doesn't sound like you're in a headspace right now to engage any further anyway. So do both of you a kindness and don't waste her time or yours.
posted by moosetracks at 11:09 AM on October 6 [62 favorites]
Anything more is more than needs to be said, and it doesn't sound like you're in a headspace right now to engage any further anyway. So do both of you a kindness and don't waste her time or yours.
posted by moosetracks at 11:09 AM on October 6 [62 favorites]
I agree with moosetracks. This person doesn't seem like she's owed any kind of explanation, and I really doubt you'll get any kind of closure from her, either.
I'd cut it off with minimal interaction.
posted by signal at 11:23 AM on October 6 [14 favorites]
I'd cut it off with minimal interaction.
posted by signal at 11:23 AM on October 6 [14 favorites]
I’m not sure why you think you need to reply to her here. There are situations where the slow fade won’t work but this doesn’t seem to be one of them. I’m not clear on when you last talked but it seems from your post like it’s been a while. She reached out—just ignore her. If she persists send a simple message saying you won’t be able to meet up and good luck with everything. Don’t be roped into having a full conversation with her about this. It’s not worth it. You’re not going to change her mind. Just let this go softly and move on.
posted by Amy93 at 11:44 AM on October 6 [17 favorites]
posted by Amy93 at 11:44 AM on October 6 [17 favorites]
I think the real *first* question is would being friends with this person be any fun FOR YOU. Like, without any expectations, social politeness norms, appearances, etc. -- is hanging out with this person something that you would WANT to do, or a chore you feel obligated to do? Because if you honestly don't want to... don't. There are enough people in the world to be friends with, you won't run out if you pass on this one. You don't need to "give it a chance".
If you do decide to try it, just be 100% yourself, and break it off at the first sign of "this isn't fun for me".
posted by ctmf at 11:53 AM on October 6 [8 favorites]
If you do decide to try it, just be 100% yourself, and break it off at the first sign of "this isn't fun for me".
posted by ctmf at 11:53 AM on October 6 [8 favorites]
They were really bossy and pushy, and I had no boundaries and struggled with people pleasing.
Fast forward to now, she’s pregnant, and she’s reached out to me.
Yeah now they're pregnant, and looking to gather a list of people who can do things for them. Want to be on it?
posted by ctmf at 11:59 AM on October 6 [29 favorites]
Fast forward to now, she’s pregnant, and she’s reached out to me.
Yeah now they're pregnant, and looking to gather a list of people who can do things for them. Want to be on it?
posted by ctmf at 11:59 AM on October 6 [29 favorites]
Is this *$&%ing Becky again? OMG, I cannot stand this woman. You've already expended more thought and done more work than you should have to on her behalf just by typing out this question. HELL NO, do not volunteer to
*buy some fucking organic cotton Christer-made overpriced consumption unit at Target for her godofrsaken baby shower
*GO to the godforsaken baby shower
*Reconnect with her so that you can field phone calls in which you listen to endless yack about the baby, pre and post its birth
*be a free nanny for the baby
*whateverthehellelse she wants
"should I nix the reconnection completely?"
Yes.
The day she writes/calls and says, "I have used my supposed religious beliefs cynically as an excuse to be an insufferable racist, homophobic horror for most of my life. Further, I have taken direct advantage of you for years and exploited you for free work and emotional support, offering diddly squat in return and in fact frequently causing you harm. I want to apologize for all I have said and done over the course of our long interaction and offer restitution in the following ways," then maybe you might want to reconnect with her. I'm fairly confident that she will never do this. Until she does you should feel free to either write back a single "No," or write back nothing at all forevermore.
I'm white and I had this whitelady friend whom I somehow didn't figure out was a klanswoman until her kid was two years of age and she posted a pic of herself in a confederate flag bikini on facebook. This meant that I went to her godforsaken baby shower! Than which nothing would have been worse except going to her godforsaken baby shower as a queer POC. Then the kid was born and I kept dragging myself to social stuff with her and her son (whom she allowed to, for instance, run all over a crowded tavern until, inevitably, a server tripped over him with a full tray of pints and nearly killed herself and the kid, and then Miss Entitled Confederate Mom ranted to me for a solid hour that the restaurant was at fault blah blah blah blah endless blah these people are intolerable) until the blessed day she posted proof that she was in the confederacy and I could at long last dump her ass.
I guarantee your tormentor is still exactly as awful as she ever was. Please, please, please save yourself years of torture and kick her to the curb.
posted by Don Pepino at 12:43 PM on October 6 [20 favorites]
*buy some fucking organic cotton Christer-made overpriced consumption unit at Target for her godofrsaken baby shower
*GO to the godforsaken baby shower
*Reconnect with her so that you can field phone calls in which you listen to endless yack about the baby, pre and post its birth
*be a free nanny for the baby
*whateverthehellelse she wants
"should I nix the reconnection completely?"
Yes.
The day she writes/calls and says, "I have used my supposed religious beliefs cynically as an excuse to be an insufferable racist, homophobic horror for most of my life. Further, I have taken direct advantage of you for years and exploited you for free work and emotional support, offering diddly squat in return and in fact frequently causing you harm. I want to apologize for all I have said and done over the course of our long interaction and offer restitution in the following ways," then maybe you might want to reconnect with her. I'm fairly confident that she will never do this. Until she does you should feel free to either write back a single "No," or write back nothing at all forevermore.
I'm white and I had this whitelady friend whom I somehow didn't figure out was a klanswoman until her kid was two years of age and she posted a pic of herself in a confederate flag bikini on facebook. This meant that I went to her godforsaken baby shower! Than which nothing would have been worse except going to her godforsaken baby shower as a queer POC. Then the kid was born and I kept dragging myself to social stuff with her and her son (whom she allowed to, for instance, run all over a crowded tavern until, inevitably, a server tripped over him with a full tray of pints and nearly killed herself and the kid, and then Miss Entitled Confederate Mom ranted to me for a solid hour that the restaurant was at fault blah blah blah blah endless blah these people are intolerable) until the blessed day she posted proof that she was in the confederacy and I could at long last dump her ass.
I guarantee your tormentor is still exactly as awful as she ever was. Please, please, please save yourself years of torture and kick her to the curb.
posted by Don Pepino at 12:43 PM on October 6 [20 favorites]
Moosetracks has the best possible response. Look no further.
posted by slkinsey at 12:52 PM on October 6 [2 favorites]
posted by slkinsey at 12:52 PM on October 6 [2 favorites]
I’m in a differently place boundaries wise, but I’m still working on people pleasing.
This would be an excellent situation to practice your boundaries. It sounds very much that if you responded it would be to take care of her and not to take care of you.
The only thing I think you could get here is a sense of closure? And it sounds like a lot of stress for that.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:40 PM on October 6 [4 favorites]
This would be an excellent situation to practice your boundaries. It sounds very much that if you responded it would be to take care of her and not to take care of you.
The only thing I think you could get here is a sense of closure? And it sounds like a lot of stress for that.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:40 PM on October 6 [4 favorites]
I don't think you should do a friendship breakup. If I were you, I would just politely decline to meet. I know friendship breakups are some big thing at the moment but actually they seem to just lead to more drama.
posted by thereader at 1:43 PM on October 6 [13 favorites]
posted by thereader at 1:43 PM on October 6 [13 favorites]
I would invite her to watch a movie with a queer / LGBT theme. If she has actually changed, she would welcome the opportunity to show you. If she hasn't changed and she reacts negatively, you'll find out quickly without wasting more energy.
If she says something like "That's a sin and I'll be praying for you", you can just give a classy retort like "Thanks for praying for me! [winky smile]" Then ghost her.
I've gone through this process with several friends starting in 2020. In a couple cases, I kept patiently explaining to them why their offensive comments were hurtful. They initially listened politely but grew increasingly defensive over time. I also became less patient. We ended up in a huge argument because both sides were irritated. When I look back on the weeks / months leading up to the end, it was a waste of time.
I have some friends who learned on their own and evolved to become allies. I didn't have to constantly teach them. I would occasionally point out an issue and they would go read articles on their own to learn. I don't try to educate any more. I just triage to figure out which friends are open-minded learners.
Nowadays when I wonder if someone has changed, I brainstorm the quickest way to find out. E.g. if they made racist comments years ago, I would ask to meet at a restaurant in a neighborhood filled with POC and immigrants. If they've changed, then we can just have a delicious meal together and not even talk about racism. If they were to ask "Is this a test?", I would say "Yes!"
posted by sandwich at 2:13 PM on October 6
If she says something like "That's a sin and I'll be praying for you", you can just give a classy retort like "Thanks for praying for me! [winky smile]" Then ghost her.
I've gone through this process with several friends starting in 2020. In a couple cases, I kept patiently explaining to them why their offensive comments were hurtful. They initially listened politely but grew increasingly defensive over time. I also became less patient. We ended up in a huge argument because both sides were irritated. When I look back on the weeks / months leading up to the end, it was a waste of time.
I have some friends who learned on their own and evolved to become allies. I didn't have to constantly teach them. I would occasionally point out an issue and they would go read articles on their own to learn. I don't try to educate any more. I just triage to figure out which friends are open-minded learners.
Nowadays when I wonder if someone has changed, I brainstorm the quickest way to find out. E.g. if they made racist comments years ago, I would ask to meet at a restaurant in a neighborhood filled with POC and immigrants. If they've changed, then we can just have a delicious meal together and not even talk about racism. If they were to ask "Is this a test?", I would say "Yes!"
posted by sandwich at 2:13 PM on October 6
Your very first line says it: "Don't think I want to be friends anymore." So, don't. How about "I'm really busy right now, I'm sorry. Best wishes for a happy and healthy baby!" The lack of any "but maybe in a week/month/etc" should get the message across without you having to actually say it.
posted by bluesky78987 at 2:15 PM on October 6 [6 favorites]
posted by bluesky78987 at 2:15 PM on October 6 [6 favorites]
>I’m still working on people pleasing.
This is a great chance to work on it. It sounds like you're going out of your way to manufacture 'benefit of the doubt' where there's no doubt. You know what to expect from this person, you know you don't want any, and you don't need to Give Her A Chance that you know will be wasted and will just cost you additional aggravation.
The "I still love the sinner" bullshit is just a bigot performing something that seems like open-mindedness to a bigot, which is not what you'd get from a friend. And if I've understood correctly, you haven't spoken in years. So: you do not have to do a "friendship breakup", because this person already isn't your friend on a number of counts. Just pass on the whole thing and be done.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 3:23 PM on October 6 [8 favorites]
This is a great chance to work on it. It sounds like you're going out of your way to manufacture 'benefit of the doubt' where there's no doubt. You know what to expect from this person, you know you don't want any, and you don't need to Give Her A Chance that you know will be wasted and will just cost you additional aggravation.
The "I still love the sinner" bullshit is just a bigot performing something that seems like open-mindedness to a bigot, which is not what you'd get from a friend. And if I've understood correctly, you haven't spoken in years. So: you do not have to do a "friendship breakup", because this person already isn't your friend on a number of counts. Just pass on the whole thing and be done.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 3:23 PM on October 6 [8 favorites]
Fast forward to now, she’s pregnant, and she’s reached out to me. I’m in a differently place boundaries wise, but I’m still working on people pleasing. She asked to catch up and I thought, sure, this might be a chance to see if she’s changed, but from her social media posts, I sort of doubt that.
I'm not clear on whether you already responded to her "reaching out" with some kind of contact or conversation from your end.
If you haven't, don't.
If you've already agreed to meet her somewhere at some time, stand her up. If she then reaches out to complain about being stood up, ghost her.
Life's too short. You owe this person nothing. There is no need for any kind of formal "friend breakup". You can have closure simply by closing down all future communication attempts from your end, and whether she can find closure is well is a matter for her, not for you.
posted by flabdablet at 4:39 PM on October 6 [4 favorites]
I'm not clear on whether you already responded to her "reaching out" with some kind of contact or conversation from your end.
If you haven't, don't.
If you've already agreed to meet her somewhere at some time, stand her up. If she then reaches out to complain about being stood up, ghost her.
Life's too short. You owe this person nothing. There is no need for any kind of formal "friend breakup". You can have closure simply by closing down all future communication attempts from your end, and whether she can find closure is well is a matter for her, not for you.
posted by flabdablet at 4:39 PM on October 6 [4 favorites]
I would not pursue this. If you wanted this friendship, you would have reached out yourself; the fact that she did does not create an obligation on your end to respond.
If she does make an invitation, a direct way to draw a line under the friendship could be "Hi X, I appreciate your invitation but I'm going to have to decline. I value the friendship we've had in the past but I think it's best that we leave it there. Take care." It's up to you whether you add a sentence in there about your different views/feeling comfortable being yourself/etc.- I can see arguments for there being no explanation needed and also arguments for the many years of friendship warranting that very basic one (though not followup discussion).
I agree re: unfollowing, at the least, on social media.
posted by wormtales at 5:15 PM on October 6 [3 favorites]
If she does make an invitation, a direct way to draw a line under the friendship could be "Hi X, I appreciate your invitation but I'm going to have to decline. I value the friendship we've had in the past but I think it's best that we leave it there. Take care." It's up to you whether you add a sentence in there about your different views/feeling comfortable being yourself/etc.- I can see arguments for there being no explanation needed and also arguments for the many years of friendship warranting that very basic one (though not followup discussion).
I agree re: unfollowing, at the least, on social media.
posted by wormtales at 5:15 PM on October 6 [3 favorites]
It sounds like maybe you already agreed to meet up.
I want to assure the people-pleasing part of you
(1) it is absolute OK for you to change your mind because you realize that there is almost zero chance that this meeting will lead to something that is good for you. Even if you already said "yes", people are still allowed to cancel, especially if they have a good reason and knowing that this is a bad idea of you is a good enough reason (although you don't have to tell her that)
(2) I would not stand her up - if nothing else it will make you feel like you are violating your own values of kindness. However, it is perfectly acceptable for you to contact her and tell her that you need to cancel the meeting.
(3) If you want her leave you alone, when you cancel, you need to let her know that you aren't interested in simply rescheduling. You should do this in a way that is both kind to her AND also true to yourself. There are several good versions in the answers above.
This is hard for people pleasers but politely declining an invitation is something that people with integrity and good boundaries do without guilt. I invite you to try it out and see how it feels.
posted by metahawk at 5:56 PM on October 6 [2 favorites]
I want to assure the people-pleasing part of you
(1) it is absolute OK for you to change your mind because you realize that there is almost zero chance that this meeting will lead to something that is good for you. Even if you already said "yes", people are still allowed to cancel, especially if they have a good reason and knowing that this is a bad idea of you is a good enough reason (although you don't have to tell her that)
(2) I would not stand her up - if nothing else it will make you feel like you are violating your own values of kindness. However, it is perfectly acceptable for you to contact her and tell her that you need to cancel the meeting.
(3) If you want her leave you alone, when you cancel, you need to let her know that you aren't interested in simply rescheduling. You should do this in a way that is both kind to her AND also true to yourself. There are several good versions in the answers above.
This is hard for people pleasers but politely declining an invitation is something that people with integrity and good boundaries do without guilt. I invite you to try it out and see how it feels.
posted by metahawk at 5:56 PM on October 6 [2 favorites]
If you already agreed to meet up, say you have a sudden migraine and cancel on the day. It's fine to lie about it to someone who has been a jerk to youuntil you get to a place in your life when you can just cancel without feeling obligated to give a socially acceptable reason.
And next time, don't respond to this person at all if they do reach out to you again.
Normally my advice to you would be what shadygrove said, because in my opinion, the ideal world is one in which we find a way to honor both our own authentic selves and also our connection with the imperfect people who make up this world. But that kind of authenticity can be an ideal that's out of reach for most of us, especially if we are struggling with people-pleasing. So second-best should work just fine: second best is when you honor yourself and protect your peace by ignoring the haters who threaten your peace.
posted by MiraK at 6:13 PM on October 6
And next time, don't respond to this person at all if they do reach out to you again.
Normally my advice to you would be what shadygrove said, because in my opinion, the ideal world is one in which we find a way to honor both our own authentic selves and also our connection with the imperfect people who make up this world. But that kind of authenticity can be an ideal that's out of reach for most of us, especially if we are struggling with people-pleasing. So second-best should work just fine: second best is when you honor yourself and protect your peace by ignoring the haters who threaten your peace.
posted by MiraK at 6:13 PM on October 6
"Honey, I'm praying to God that they deliver you from the sins of homophobia and racism. But until the She is able to deliver this great work, I'm just not able to be around you. Don't despair! If the Lord is able to move mountains, I'm sure they'll be able to deliver you from the sins of hatred and pride.'
posted by jasper411 at 9:06 PM on October 6 [9 favorites]
posted by jasper411 at 9:06 PM on October 6 [9 favorites]
wow, you are being WAY too nice about this
if it were me, I'd reply "sorry, not interested in continuing a friendship with a homophobic racist bitch" and then block
and I'm not even queer or PoC, I just really don't like homophobes or racists lol
feel free to imagine me sitting on your shoulder encouraging you to tell her off, if that helps
posted by Jacqueline at 9:49 PM on October 6 [3 favorites]
if it were me, I'd reply "sorry, not interested in continuing a friendship with a homophobic racist bitch" and then block
and I'm not even queer or PoC, I just really don't like homophobes or racists lol
feel free to imagine me sitting on your shoulder encouraging you to tell her off, if that helps
posted by Jacqueline at 9:49 PM on October 6 [3 favorites]
Ooo, love jasper411's script! I would cap the Theys. Other than that, no notes.
posted by Don Pepino at 5:53 AM on October 7
posted by Don Pepino at 5:53 AM on October 7
People do change. This is not to diminish your hurt, but the world has had the Covid Apocalypse, the George Floyd police murder trauma and the continuing acceptance in mainstream society of LGBT people since you had your last hurtful encounter. I was a daycamp nurse last summer, and we had staff and campers who identified as They, and the administration brought in a gender expert to talk to the staff before camp began. My grandkids go to public school with kids with diverse gender identity, which is generally accepted and not even remarked on.
By "acceptance" I refer to the society at large, not the right-wing bigots, who seem more and more willing to spew hate. And I don't think your former friend would have reached out to you if she was in that bigoted group. She may realize what a shit she was and want to try to rectify and apologize for it.
Can you look around on social media etc. to see what kind of political opinion she seems to have now? You were once close. Unless you sense that she has not grown in acceptance and insight, I would urge you to give her a chance.
posted by citygirl at 6:04 AM on October 7
By "acceptance" I refer to the society at large, not the right-wing bigots, who seem more and more willing to spew hate. And I don't think your former friend would have reached out to you if she was in that bigoted group. She may realize what a shit she was and want to try to rectify and apologize for it.
Can you look around on social media etc. to see what kind of political opinion she seems to have now? You were once close. Unless you sense that she has not grown in acceptance and insight, I would urge you to give her a chance.
posted by citygirl at 6:04 AM on October 7
If she had changed, she’d have apologized to you for the homophobia and racism she’s directed at you. She forgot, she thinks it’s water under the bridge, she thinks she has nothing to apologize for? Moosetracks’ message is impressively kind and clear.
posted by daisyace at 7:18 AM on October 7 [3 favorites]
posted by daisyace at 7:18 AM on October 7 [3 favorites]
Agree with everyone pointing at what moosetracks said, and if you get pushback or questioning what's happened or changes you can say, "there's too much hate in 'hate the sin' for me, and I don't want that energy in my life."
posted by ApathyGirl at 10:48 AM on October 7 [1 favorite]
posted by ApathyGirl at 10:48 AM on October 7 [1 favorite]
I love a good revenge moment myself, but a lot of the above seems performative to me and I couldn't endure that level of discomfort. I think if you are a people pleaser, it may be even more painful.
Were it me (and I know it is not!) the anxiety about doing something would be skyhigh until the moment I did it, and then I would probably, blissfully, never think about it again. So maybe "I wish you the best, but our lives have diverged in a way I don't think is compatible for us" and then unfollowing and blocking is the easiest thing to do.
Is it the best thing for her? No, the best thing for her is to take this opportunity to speak your values and to educate this idiot, but it isn't actually going to result in anything, you have no obligation to do the best thing for her, and it's appropriate and healthy to do the best thing for you and be done with it.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:51 AM on October 7
Were it me (and I know it is not!) the anxiety about doing something would be skyhigh until the moment I did it, and then I would probably, blissfully, never think about it again. So maybe "I wish you the best, but our lives have diverged in a way I don't think is compatible for us" and then unfollowing and blocking is the easiest thing to do.
Is it the best thing for her? No, the best thing for her is to take this opportunity to speak your values and to educate this idiot, but it isn't actually going to result in anything, you have no obligation to do the best thing for her, and it's appropriate and healthy to do the best thing for you and be done with it.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:51 AM on October 7
Why would you waste your time and energy on this?
I would be rude and tell her flat out I'm not interested in renewing our acquaintance, and please don't contact me again. You don't owe her an explanation and you don't need to get sucked into discussing the why of it. No is a complete answer.
Moosetrack's wording is much more diplomatic, and you probably would feel more comfortable with that.
Given your history with her, what you know about her beliefs, and how you feel: It doesn’t feel like a genuine desire for friendship on my part. then don't waste your time. My bet is that you would like to change the way things were in the past, and that won't happen.
I think you're setting yourself for Round 2, as I doubt that she's much different in her attitude and behavior. Let it go.
posted by BlueHorse at 8:16 PM on October 8
I would be rude and tell her flat out I'm not interested in renewing our acquaintance, and please don't contact me again. You don't owe her an explanation and you don't need to get sucked into discussing the why of it. No is a complete answer.
Moosetrack's wording is much more diplomatic, and you probably would feel more comfortable with that.
Given your history with her, what you know about her beliefs, and how you feel: It doesn’t feel like a genuine desire for friendship on my part. then don't waste your time. My bet is that you would like to change the way things were in the past, and that won't happen.
I think you're setting yourself for Round 2, as I doubt that she's much different in her attitude and behavior. Let it go.
posted by BlueHorse at 8:16 PM on October 8
« Older What's a good, medium-expensive set of headphones... | How do I get Spotlight to stop Archiving my items... Newer »
You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments
posted by watermelon at 10:36 AM on October 6 [12 favorites]