How Do I Learn to Manage People, Over Email and From a Distance?
October 4, 2024 6:15 AM Subscribe
I am out of state and am trying to help my elderly relative - for whom I have power of attorney - with various aspects of their estate, but I'm finding that some folks just don't follow through with email replies - leaving me high and dry - and I'm realizing I don't know how to manage this (at work I just escalate to my boss). How do people with people management skills manage these types of situation/ what actions do you take when you're not getting a response or what you need, and how do I learn how to do this?
I work in tech and am totally fine/ am good at communicating with colleagues and clients, but the one time I was put in a management role I was completely at sea: I absolutely don't know how to get people to do stuff - particularly people who don't want to do that stuff - and I have no concept of how good managers get that done. With this power of attorney role, I'm essentially going to have to do the thing I've avoided my whole life - manage a bunch of folks, some of whom may not be that interested in helping me/ have bigger fish to fry - so I'd like to get much better at this. Bonus points if you can also help me reduce my level of emotional investment/ frustration when people don't play nice/ don't reply (and, TBH, my degree of guilt if it becomes necessary to e.g. go over their head, which is a completely weird thing in itself).
I guess my fantasy (which appeases my logical mind) would be to have a clear strategy - e.g. this person hasn't replied to maybe 3 requests in 3 weeks, so a reasonable next step is to contact their boss - vs getting bogged down in confusion because I don't understand why communication has broken down, and I don't know how to resurrect it without potentially creating more damage (like, do people do that: have e.g. a 3 strikes and I'm escalating rule?). And what I find makes matters worse: because I know that this is not my forte, when I find myself in these situations, I'm totally on the back foot and thinking either that I'm responsible - because I know I'm not a good people manager - or that my next move will probably be a wrong one, again because I'm aware of my own shortcomings.
I work in tech and am totally fine/ am good at communicating with colleagues and clients, but the one time I was put in a management role I was completely at sea: I absolutely don't know how to get people to do stuff - particularly people who don't want to do that stuff - and I have no concept of how good managers get that done. With this power of attorney role, I'm essentially going to have to do the thing I've avoided my whole life - manage a bunch of folks, some of whom may not be that interested in helping me/ have bigger fish to fry - so I'd like to get much better at this. Bonus points if you can also help me reduce my level of emotional investment/ frustration when people don't play nice/ don't reply (and, TBH, my degree of guilt if it becomes necessary to e.g. go over their head, which is a completely weird thing in itself).
I guess my fantasy (which appeases my logical mind) would be to have a clear strategy - e.g. this person hasn't replied to maybe 3 requests in 3 weeks, so a reasonable next step is to contact their boss - vs getting bogged down in confusion because I don't understand why communication has broken down, and I don't know how to resurrect it without potentially creating more damage (like, do people do that: have e.g. a 3 strikes and I'm escalating rule?). And what I find makes matters worse: because I know that this is not my forte, when I find myself in these situations, I'm totally on the back foot and thinking either that I'm responsible - because I know I'm not a good people manager - or that my next move will probably be a wrong one, again because I'm aware of my own shortcomings.
Do you or your relative pay any of these people for their services?
A calmly worded question, in writing, as to whether the non-responding organization still wants your business can be very effective. If no answer still ... time to find another provider.
I had to do that with my mom's estate attorney, and thank God I did because, after my mom died, the new attorney's assistance in dealing with probate was invaluable.
The opportunity costs involved in finding a new provider aren't zero, but sometimes it's your best bet.
posted by rabia.elizabeth at 6:32 AM on October 4 [2 favorites]
A calmly worded question, in writing, as to whether the non-responding organization still wants your business can be very effective. If no answer still ... time to find another provider.
I had to do that with my mom's estate attorney, and thank God I did because, after my mom died, the new attorney's assistance in dealing with probate was invaluable.
The opportunity costs involved in finding a new provider aren't zero, but sometimes it's your best bet.
posted by rabia.elizabeth at 6:32 AM on October 4 [2 favorites]
After you've written an email request and follow up without response within a reasonable time, call them. Be very nice and polite on the phone. Develop a rapport. People want to help people they like and sympathize with.
Concisely explain what you need again if required, and don't be openly frustrated by them forgetting something or not comprehending what ought to be clear from the email. People want to help people they like and sympathize with. Make it easy for them to do what you need – make sure your instructions are clear and all of the needed information is present.
Tend towards "when should I expect this thing to be done" over "why hasn't this thing been done". Consider: "can we expect the thing will be done by [reasonable date] so that [brief explanation of why needed by that date]" After the phone call, consider an email confirming your understanding of any next steps for both of you and expected timeline. Follow-up by email 1-2 days after target date, and if no response, call again. Again, be polite, but explain what you need and why (and possibly what consequences for your relative will happen if it doesn't happen.) Get a new target date. This time follow up in advance of target date to confirm it still holds. Repeat, perhaps once. Variations on all of this may be better depending on the relationship and history, and stakes.
Assuming this is important and this hasn't worked, call again and express, politely, your concerns with the situation and ask how it can be fixed. If the answer isn't reassuring and/or it doesn't get fixed, contact the manager-type person if they exist and express the concerns, asking for changes to be made to fix it.
If the person you're dealing with seems to not care whatsoever or is being disrespectful to you, serious deadlines are in danger of being missed, costs are unreasonable, the quality of work is poor, the amount of follow up required to get things done is excessive compared to finding someone else etc, consider a new provider. But recognize that doing so can increase the costs of services for your relative by the need to get up to speed. The new provider may or may not consider the requests as high priority at the beginning.
posted by lookoutbelow at 7:38 AM on October 4 [5 favorites]
Concisely explain what you need again if required, and don't be openly frustrated by them forgetting something or not comprehending what ought to be clear from the email. People want to help people they like and sympathize with. Make it easy for them to do what you need – make sure your instructions are clear and all of the needed information is present.
Tend towards "when should I expect this thing to be done" over "why hasn't this thing been done". Consider: "can we expect the thing will be done by [reasonable date] so that [brief explanation of why needed by that date]" After the phone call, consider an email confirming your understanding of any next steps for both of you and expected timeline. Follow-up by email 1-2 days after target date, and if no response, call again. Again, be polite, but explain what you need and why (and possibly what consequences for your relative will happen if it doesn't happen.) Get a new target date. This time follow up in advance of target date to confirm it still holds. Repeat, perhaps once. Variations on all of this may be better depending on the relationship and history, and stakes.
Assuming this is important and this hasn't worked, call again and express, politely, your concerns with the situation and ask how it can be fixed. If the answer isn't reassuring and/or it doesn't get fixed, contact the manager-type person if they exist and express the concerns, asking for changes to be made to fix it.
If the person you're dealing with seems to not care whatsoever or is being disrespectful to you, serious deadlines are in danger of being missed, costs are unreasonable, the quality of work is poor, the amount of follow up required to get things done is excessive compared to finding someone else etc, consider a new provider. But recognize that doing so can increase the costs of services for your relative by the need to get up to speed. The new provider may or may not consider the requests as high priority at the beginning.
posted by lookoutbelow at 7:38 AM on October 4 [5 favorites]
The phone is much more effective than email for something like this. Your email is in a stack of 1000 other emails. If you can get people on the phone, you can establish a one-on-one connection that gets more done. The breakdowns and confusion you are describing can be reduced with live communication. I get it that nobody likes to talk on the phone, but ping-ponging emails with someone who is not responsive is usually a recipe for frustration and not getting anything done.
Also, I don't know the details of who you area dealing with, but if it is people like service providers of one kind or another (banks, brokers, caretakers), you aren't really the manager, you are the customer, so you get to call up and ask for stuff. If someone is not being responsive to your requests as customer, then you hire someone else.
posted by Mid at 7:45 AM on October 4 [4 favorites]
Also, I don't know the details of who you area dealing with, but if it is people like service providers of one kind or another (banks, brokers, caretakers), you aren't really the manager, you are the customer, so you get to call up and ask for stuff. If someone is not being responsive to your requests as customer, then you hire someone else.
posted by Mid at 7:45 AM on October 4 [4 favorites]
Agree with a project management mindset, making phone calls, and thinking of yourself as a customer or client.
Some big tech companies have benefits that include caregiver coordination. Check your benefits, you might be able to find someone to help. Another option is to look into seniors services in your area and see what resources they have for caregiver support or case management. Peer support groups can help you come to terms with your role and its responsibilities. Social workers can refer you to services and help
with patient advocacy.
posted by shock muppet at 7:59 AM on October 4
Some big tech companies have benefits that include caregiver coordination. Check your benefits, you might be able to find someone to help. Another option is to look into seniors services in your area and see what resources they have for caregiver support or case management. Peer support groups can help you come to terms with your role and its responsibilities. Social workers can refer you to services and help
with patient advocacy.
posted by shock muppet at 7:59 AM on October 4
Yes, keep in mind that if you just send an email there is a VERY high probability that the person never even sees it. There is probably a 1/10 probability it was lost somehow in transit or automatically shuffled over to their spam folder. And then even if it was delivered normally they still might not SEE it for 10 dozen different reasons - #1 being the incessant flood of spam we all receive.
So if I had emailed someone three times and received no response, my default assumption is not "This person is a complete jerk who is ignoring me and doesn't want my business" but rather "Hmm, this person must not be receiving or seeing my emails for some reason."
One reason you frame things this way is it dramatically affects the steps you will take to remedy the situation and also your attitude towards the person on the other end as you do so.
posted by flug at 8:07 AM on October 4 [1 favorite]
So if I had emailed someone three times and received no response, my default assumption is not "This person is a complete jerk who is ignoring me and doesn't want my business" but rather "Hmm, this person must not be receiving or seeing my emails for some reason."
One reason you frame things this way is it dramatically affects the steps you will take to remedy the situation and also your attitude towards the person on the other end as you do so.
posted by flug at 8:07 AM on October 4 [1 favorite]
Per my manager, because we have issues here with the people trying to assist us being SO swamped: put read receipts on emails, put delivered receipts on emails. Set deadlines for responses. Cc their managers.
Collect evidence, if there is any to collect, of what the problem is.
Unfortunately, my impression of how to solve stuff like this to escalate, escalate, escalate--which is to say, nag, nag, nag, and make it worse the more they ignore you. You may actually have to get really obnoxious to deal with if they refuse to come through. Make it easier for them to get rid of you if you can't be ignored. People would harass the shit out of us at my old job to get what they wanted, and that WORKS. Calling is probably mandatory here. (And much as I hate to say, complain about the business on effing Twitter...complain about the business on Twitter.)
A friend of mine just spent FIVE MONTHS trying to get her fridge fixed and it finally got fixed yesterday and she told me she had to write a long, impassioned letter to someone before they finally responded. A friend of mine has told me she's literally had to scream and cry, multiple times, to get doctors to pay attention to her. I had to throw a hysterical fit once at my apartment management, which I hated and they hated and they resented me for it, but having to ride their asses and have a breakdown at them was the only way to make it happen.
If people keep ignoring, you have to keep nagging and escalating. I really, really, really, really hate doing this, but it might have to come to that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:14 AM on October 4
Collect evidence, if there is any to collect, of what the problem is.
Unfortunately, my impression of how to solve stuff like this to escalate, escalate, escalate--which is to say, nag, nag, nag, and make it worse the more they ignore you. You may actually have to get really obnoxious to deal with if they refuse to come through. Make it easier for them to get rid of you if you can't be ignored. People would harass the shit out of us at my old job to get what they wanted, and that WORKS. Calling is probably mandatory here. (And much as I hate to say, complain about the business on effing Twitter...complain about the business on Twitter.)
A friend of mine just spent FIVE MONTHS trying to get her fridge fixed and it finally got fixed yesterday and she told me she had to write a long, impassioned letter to someone before they finally responded. A friend of mine has told me she's literally had to scream and cry, multiple times, to get doctors to pay attention to her. I had to throw a hysterical fit once at my apartment management, which I hated and they hated and they resented me for it, but having to ride their asses and have a breakdown at them was the only way to make it happen.
If people keep ignoring, you have to keep nagging and escalating. I really, really, really, really hate doing this, but it might have to come to that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:14 AM on October 4
The phrase "go over their head" makes this sound much more like a business client situation than a people management one. I think you are barking up the wrong tree in treating this as a people management issue, and will find it more fruitful to learn how to manage interactions with businesses.
There is overlap ("be nice to everyone") but people’s motivations are very different when dealing with their employer versus a client.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:17 AM on October 4 [1 favorite]
There is overlap ("be nice to everyone") but people’s motivations are very different when dealing with their employer versus a client.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:17 AM on October 4 [1 favorite]
You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments
Project management will be a much better use of your research time as it is less hierarchically focused and a good PM guide will cover everything you ask above.
Also, call first, leave messages if needed, THEN follow up by email to either recap the conversation you had (for a paper trail) OR to restate your request in writing.
posted by seemoorglass at 6:19 AM on October 4 [7 favorites]