Horrible Vintage Theme Songs
October 2, 2024 7:31 AM Subscribe
There's just something about those terrible vintage movie songs from horror/sci-fi/adventure moviess... the ones that overly literally recount plot, often with rapping. What are some great examples of songs that don't merely share a title or refer to a character name or vibe, but actually clumsily describe the film? Good example: The Monster Squad Rap. Bonus points for terrible rapping.
Bobby Brown's "On Our Own" has an amazing mid-song rap verse explaining the plot of Ghostbusters 2. I can still recite it from memory, and I didn't even like GB2 that much.
"Too hot to handle, too cold to hold
They're called the Ghostbusters and they're in control
Had 'em throwin' a party for a bunch of children
All the while the slime was under the building
So they packed up their group, got a grip, came equipped
Grabbed their proton packs off their back and they split
Found out about Vigo, the master of evil
Try to battle my boys? That's not legal"
posted by joelhunt at 8:06 AM on October 2 [18 favorites]
"Too hot to handle, too cold to hold
They're called the Ghostbusters and they're in control
Had 'em throwin' a party for a bunch of children
All the while the slime was under the building
So they packed up their group, got a grip, came equipped
Grabbed their proton packs off their back and they split
Found out about Vigo, the master of evil
Try to battle my boys? That's not legal"
posted by joelhunt at 8:06 AM on October 2 [18 favorites]
Expository Theme Tune - Film, TV
But these pages are missing many, like the Addams Groove.
posted by credulous at 8:12 AM on October 2 [5 favorites]
But these pages are missing many, like the Addams Groove.
posted by credulous at 8:12 AM on October 2 [5 favorites]
Hard to beat the theme from the original The Blob (A true bop that slaps!)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:15 AM on October 2 [6 favorites]
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:15 AM on October 2 [6 favorites]
The Ballad of Harry Warden from My Bloody Valentine goes way harder than it has any business to.
posted by Captain_Science at 8:42 AM on October 2 [3 favorites]
posted by Captain_Science at 8:42 AM on October 2 [3 favorites]
Nuke 'Em High of the Class of Nuke 'Em High
posted by paradeofblimps at 8:54 AM on October 2 [2 favorites]
posted by paradeofblimps at 8:54 AM on October 2 [2 favorites]
Kind of a stretch, but Franco Nero's "singing" exposition throughout Keoma is really something.
posted by jabah at 8:57 AM on October 2
posted by jabah at 8:57 AM on October 2
Not quite a rap, but Beware of the 4-D Witch from, uh, Psyched by the 4-D Witch, is a real classic theme song that clumsily describes the movie. And strangely catchy!
It's a parody of this type of thing, but do not sleep on Demi Adejuyigbe's hilarious Will Smith's Credits Rap for GET OUT.
posted by eschatfische at 9:01 AM on October 2 [4 favorites]
It's a parody of this type of thing, but do not sleep on Demi Adejuyigbe's hilarious Will Smith's Credits Rap for GET OUT.
posted by eschatfische at 9:01 AM on October 2 [4 favorites]
Less a plot summary than a series of vignettes, but Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.
posted by transient at 9:07 AM on October 2 [1 favorite]
posted by transient at 9:07 AM on October 2 [1 favorite]
Like Partners in Kryme with Turtle Power from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)? With lyrics referring to Raphael being the leader which of course is nonsense but maybe was just a way to make the rap flow better?
posted by fridgebuzz at 9:27 AM on October 2 [3 favorites]
posted by fridgebuzz at 9:27 AM on October 2 [3 favorites]
Oh, I almost forgot about Dragnet's City of Crime which features Tom Hanks and Dan Aykroyd rapping about the movie.
posted by eschatfische at 9:37 AM on October 2 [4 favorites]
posted by eschatfische at 9:37 AM on October 2 [4 favorites]
We're going straight to the Wild Wild West
posted by el_presidente at 9:46 AM on October 2 [8 favorites]
posted by el_presidente at 9:46 AM on October 2 [8 favorites]
Batdance may or may not be included because it relays precious little information ("Hey Ducky, let me stick the 7-inch in the computer...")
posted by credulous at 11:05 AM on October 2 [2 favorites]
posted by credulous at 11:05 AM on October 2 [2 favorites]
...like the Addams Groove
Let's not forget The Addams Whoomp by Tag Team from Addams Family Values
Let's not forget The Addams Whoomp by Tag Team from Addams Family Values
The family comes to Fester's aidposted by JoeZydeco at 11:53 AM on October 2 [3 favorites]
The plot is foiled, no one gets paid
It's the Addams Family runnin' things
Get back while Tag Team swings
I don't know if 1999 counts as vintage, but LL Cool J's Deepest Bluest, from the POV of the shark (well, half man/half shark who is also wearing a hat that's like a shark's fin.)
posted by amarynth at 12:14 PM on October 2 [5 favorites]
posted by amarynth at 12:14 PM on October 2 [5 favorites]
Spies Like Us, maybe? (No rap but one almost wishes there were....)
posted by tristeza at 12:57 PM on October 2
posted by tristeza at 12:57 PM on October 2
Bobby Brown's "On Our Own" has an amazing mid-song rap verse explaining the plot of Ghostbusters 2. I can still recite it from memory, and I didn't even like GB2 that much.
OK so Ghostbusters 2 actually has TWO entire expository raps in the end credits. There's also one by Doug E Fresh and the Get Fresh Crew. And yes, this one I can also probably recite from memory despite also not especially liking that movie.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:01 PM on October 2 [2 favorites]
OK so Ghostbusters 2 actually has TWO entire expository raps in the end credits. There's also one by Doug E Fresh and the Get Fresh Crew. And yes, this one I can also probably recite from memory despite also not especially liking that movie.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:01 PM on October 2 [2 favorites]
This one seems less like Ol' Dirty Bastard watched Bulworth and more like he maybe watched the trailer, or maybe someone described the plot to him, probably while one or both of them were high: 'Ghetto Superstar' (which isn't meant as a criticism, because that song is amazing).
(Like a lot of rappers from his era, LL Cool J is frequently self-referential--that line about a hat that's like a shark's fin is a callback to his 1987 song 'I'm Bad.' (which isn't meant as praise, because that song is, even by LL standards, not great).
(Previously)
posted by box at 2:12 PM on October 2 [1 favorite]
(Like a lot of rappers from his era, LL Cool J is frequently self-referential--that line about a hat that's like a shark's fin is a callback to his 1987 song 'I'm Bad.' (which isn't meant as praise, because that song is, even by LL standards, not great).
(Previously)
posted by box at 2:12 PM on October 2 [1 favorite]
It's my Green Slime, baby, and I'm freaking out!
posted by credulous at 5:13 PM on October 2 [1 favorite]
posted by credulous at 5:13 PM on October 2 [1 favorite]
Hey! I made an fpp about this on the blue five years ago.
posted by Literaryhero at 1:36 AM on October 3 [2 favorites]
posted by Literaryhero at 1:36 AM on October 3 [2 favorites]
It's a parody, but you might enjoy "It Turns Out the “Ghostbusters” Guy Has a Lot More Songs"
posted by Rhaomi at 7:29 PM on October 3
posted by Rhaomi at 7:29 PM on October 3
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posted by cakelite at 7:40 AM on October 2 [2 favorites]