How do I become better at noticing what's going on around me?

September 27, 2024 7:12 PM

I often miss things around me that I would otherwise have reacted to or let someone else know. This causes a great deal of frustration to my partner, who feels I should be more aware, and that that would make me more dependable, and life less stressful. This can be leaving an illuminated iPad in the front seat of a parked car, not considering if the area was safe or risky, more trivial things like not noticing a door isn't locked, or just asking them about things I would have known if had I noticed. Does anybody have good ideas or experiences of improving their ongoing awareness of their surroundings, and how to achieve that?
posted by LngGrnd to Human Relations (24 answers total)

This can be leaving an illuminated iPad in the front seat of a parked car, not considering if the area was safe or risky, more trivial things like not noticing a door isn't locked, or just asking them about things I would have known if had I noticed.

Well, sometimes a mental checklist can help. You could have one for each place. Sometimes it helps to make mental checklists physical checklists.

But are we sure these are you problems and not at least partly partner problems? It seems like all of these are related to risk, security, and safety. Does your partner perhaps have a heightened level of awareness about safety issues? I think there are a few ways you could manage this:
Figure out what your partner wants and try to anticipate their concerns and behave more along the lines of what they have asked. Think of this as a relationship skill more than an awareness skill.
Figure out if you feel like their approach is what you want to do, and, if not, see if you can talk to them about different approaches.

If your partner is highly anxious, then doing things they want might not actually ease their anxiety.
posted by bluedaisy at 7:18 PM on September 27 [4 favorites]

Are you like this when you're alone (e.g., on a trip for multiple days), or only when you're with your partner or some other person? You could be offloading the cognitive work of keeping track of your surroundings and stuff onto other people (specifically your partner) when you know you don't have to do it yourself.

It would probably be fashionable to suggest mindfulness practice. (I phrase it this way because I haven't actually used mindfulness myself for this particular issue, since I'm usually the hypervigilant one.)
posted by heatherlogan at 7:37 PM on September 27 [1 favorite]

Actually... do you have ADHD? Fill in this (pdf) screening questionnaire and score it. If the scoring indicates ADHD is likely, see your doctor.
posted by heatherlogan at 7:42 PM on September 27 [14 favorites]

Are you simply not aware or is your mind engaged in other directions entirely?
Your caveat - "that I would otherwise" - makes me think you may have a mind just too full, just too engaged or preoccupied to be able to see the things which are before you needing some attention.

It is impossible to meaningfully engage with every stimulus in our surroundings. Sometimes that means cutting back on the stimuli we let in, cutting back on the sheer volume of what we are exposed to, and incorporating more discretionary time to allow our brain to function well. Are you trying to run too fast?

Backing up to a more macro level, I have been awed and challenged by the book How To Read Water. Although geared to the natural world, the principles and exercises in there have helped me become more observant in many settings. But yes, my very observant partner still often "sees" things which are also within my field of view, but which do not trigger the "I need to do something" action.
posted by tronec at 7:42 PM on September 27 [4 favorites]

Well the way I came to it was childhood abuse, rape, and living in a world where men exposed themselves and rubbed up against me, etc. my husband doesn’t do all these things because he didn’t have those experiences.

I can’t honestly say which is worse. He left some valuables in his car, which were stolen. Twice, in 30 years of marriage. But I get stressed many days thinking if these things. So…honestly I’m not sure which is worse.

Anyways, you can create a checklist of things to look at and for and run down it. If you want to develop spatial awareness something like rock climbing, sailing, or even martial arts can help- the first two more dramatically, but hopefully you get the idea; skills that require awareness or else injury/getting hit in sparring occurs.

But before you decide you want a chill down your spine maybe be sure it’s what you want.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:02 PM on September 27 [2 favorites]

Do these things matter to you? Do you want to get better because you don't like the results in your own life, or do you want this to go away so you don't 'get I tricky' with your partner?
posted by Carillon at 8:04 PM on September 27 [1 favorite]

I did not notice things until I had several unfortunate, very preventable incidents (losing a pair of much-loved sunglasses, minor flood due to a tap being left on, leaving a shopping bag behind at a makeup counter). Someone close to me pointed out that noticing things is more about building habits rather than having a set of skills (acquired or innate).

The first habit I picked up was pausing and looking behind me when I was leaving a place. Exiting the train? I look back at my seat to make sure I didn’t leave anything behind. Leaving the bathroom? I look back and scan the room to see if anything is awry. At first I didn’t notice things (water on the counter, towels on the floor), but over time as I built the habit my observation skills improved.

Some gentle pushback on the suggestion above that your partner may be the “problem” here — being aware of one’s environment and of risks is a healthy thing for autonomous adults. It’s good that they are encouraging you to build that habit for yourself.
posted by third word on a random page at 8:04 PM on September 27 [33 favorites]

You've asked several questions along the lines of, "My partner thinks I don't notice/act on/respond to things they way they want me to, how do I change?" It's hard to tell, whether your partner is bringing up something that is reasonable (please be aware of potential risk) vs. unreasonable (how come you didn't read my mind), based on what you've shared here and in past askmes.

Practicing just being still in different environments and taking everything in can be one way to practice your situational awareness skills. Taking a few beats and breaths in between tasks or actions can also slow you down to notice things more.

But I have to wonder how much you really need to change and if your partner has reasonable expectations about how much you can and should change. I can think of many instances where my partner does something different from the way I would do something or would like them to do and you know what...most often times I suck it up and deal with and choose not to get worked up about things because if I'm going to ask him to change something it's going to be around something that's really, really, important to me.
posted by brookeb at 8:08 PM on September 27 [10 favorites]

First I was ask if you are sleeping well and eating well. I can go through huge tunnelvision episodes that create a feedback loop of no sleep, poor eating, bad decisions and lost keys. Some of that is adhd but when I snap out of it and take care of the basics I become better.

Next I would ask if you are depressed. It can look at lot like the tunnelvision thing, or feel foggy instead of sad. Best wishes for your luck and health!
posted by drowsy at 8:44 PM on September 27 [5 favorites]

So ... this is all about your partner finding fault in you. Do they have faults that are valid points to bring up (or do you see nothing wrong in them)? I ask as someone I nearly married used to precipitate arguments as they came from a seriously dysfunctional and abusive family and thought couples not arguing was somehow wrong. It took me a long time to work it out and then challenge them on it.

Things to become aware:

Don't listen to music/ podcasts etc when moving, especially walking, cycling, driving, as a passenger, busing. I almost never do as I want to absorb surroundings.

Some habits also come to dominate the mind andf flow on into, and take away from being present.
posted by unearthed at 8:57 PM on September 27 [1 favorite]

As an extremely unobservant person by nature, I empathize. I used to be you and it actually caused me a lot of stress. I left things behind all the time, things got lost and stolen, things got misplaced and replaced and then found again, I locked myself out of the house, I drove off with my phone on the roof of my car and slept with the front door wide open all night.

After one disaster too many, I started moving through the world more consciously and developing a habit of ‘checking after myself’. When I get up from a cafe table, I do a quick visual check for my coat/phone/wallet. Before I close the front door behind me, I pat myself down for keys. Before I leave the car, I visually do a quick sweep over the passenger seat and floor to make sure nothing valuable is in view. These things literally take seconds, it’s just developing the habit so it’s like a reflex.

For me, it took being single for a few years. Rightly or wrongly, it’s a whole lot easier to be mentally ‘complacent’ when you subconsciously know you have another adult for backup. When it’s only you bearing all the cost and/or inconvenience of being unobservant, you sort of get sick of dealing with the fallout more quickly. Just something to consider from your partner’s POV.
posted by Salamander at 9:06 PM on September 27 [12 favorites]

Just to make a tangential observation here that is not directed at any comment above and is merely a generalized suggestion, but just in case, "more observant" does not necessarily mean "better" in general.

More observant is simply more observant.

Not better, not worse. In a specific set of circumstances it may be more adaptive, but that doesn't mean it's necessarily better overall (I'd argue we can't know).

It's fully possible to be so observant it's maladaptive.

...point being, feel absolutely free to work on being observant, just ... y'know ... don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe I'm just catching echoes of younger me, so feel free to disregard.
posted by aramaic at 10:09 PM on September 27 [1 favorite]

Agreeing your partner doesn’t want to bear the sole responsibility for “is the door locked” and “is OPs laptop going to be stolen” etc, and possibly if relevant for you, “if we have kids, am I going to have to pull all this weight, notice they are sick or hungry or touching knives”.
posted by Iteki at 11:58 PM on September 27 [5 favorites]

My gf loses stuff all the time, leaves things behind all the time, leaves doors ajar that should not be, etc. I used to help track things for her. "Have you seen my cell phone?" "Yes, you left it on the kitchen counter." Or when we are leaving to go out, I ask her if she has her phone, her keys, her glasses,

Then I stopped worrying about it. If I knew where something was, of course, I would tell her, but I stopped trying to track things. I thought it would make my life easier while she ran around the house mumbling. Or when she realized she left her phone as we were already a half mile away. When I stopped being the watcher, I found that was easier for me. You can't find your phone, ok, I will meet you downstairs in the car. Left something outside instead of putting it away, I would walk right passed it. Eventually either the weather would ruin it or she would realize it and get it.

You know what? Over the course of maybe 6 months, without me as the backstop, she started to develop habits like mentioned above such as looking back when getting off the Metro North. Like looking in the seatback in front of her before leaving the plane. Like looking for her battery charger or checking her purse or making sure she picked up her credit card from the counter. She learned because she had no choice. Either become more mindful or suffer the consequences.

I think one learns mindfulness when they have to or when they have an incentive to or a disincentive not to. IF that iPad got stolen and you had to pay for it and for the smashed window and take the time to get the window replaced, you might be more mindful of it next time.

If it is not affecting your life and only his, he needs to learn not to worry except in cases where your and his physical safety is involved such as locking the hotel room door at night.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 12:04 AM on September 28 [3 favorites]

You keep posting about overcoming differences in how you and your partner approach a number of things. This one should be easy though.

Tracking things that are shared like locking your home when you leave together is a shared obligation. Normally, whoever steps out the door last locks it.

But tracking your own possessions is down to you. That does include turning off things you no longer need/have finished using. If she’s looking for something and you happen to know where it is it would be nice to tell her. But it’s not your job to keep track of where she puts her keys or devices or whatever it may be.

Taking care of your own stuff does include the stuff that is for you to take care of as per your agreed division of labour.
posted by koahiatamadl at 12:30 AM on September 28 [4 favorites]

Would it help you to know why your partner is more aware of these things? If you were able to empathize with their reasons, could that help you get into the same mindset as well?

For me, I am always vigilant about myself and my things and my space because I have learned that failure to do so may sometimes cost me some combination of my time, money, and safety.

Now, notice what I bolded. I personally choose to do something all the time, just to prevent or lower the incidence rate of something that is essentially a roulette. And for me that is an OK trade-off. It doesn't cost me much mental energy to operate in this way especially after so many years of practice.

Some people may choose to roll the dice whether consciously or unconsciously. And maybe for them the cost of a new iPad and car window replacement and insurance headache once every five yrs (if that) is an OK price to pay if it means that for those same five years they "freed up" their brain from having to think about this sort of thing each time they parked their car.

Now in a relationship, many things become shared responsibilities whether explicitly stated or not. And while I generally subscribe to the hands off and let them learn approach some folks mentioned above, be mindful that the scenarios where it affects your partner as well may be much wider than you think.

• Are your finances commingled such that paying for a new iPad and windows would also financially affect your partner? Maybe they are not contributing to your new iPad outright, but could it impact, say, a vacation that you're both looking forward to such that you'll now have to downgrade or postpone it because of this financial setback on your side?
• Do you share usage of that car? If it were out of commission for a few days for repairs, would it affect your partner's commute, errands, and other plans? Is the insurance in their name, would it increase their rates?
• Will a smashed window trigger some memories of past trauma and cause your partner to have to schedule emergency sessions with their therapist to calm themself down?

posted by tinydancer at 10:48 AM on September 28 [1 favorite]

I am like you! I was diagnosed with inattentive adhd. But I also learned I habitually tune out & can chose not to in some situations.

For example, I would drift away into my own thoughts on a long ride. But since I’ve learned that my partner needs me to help navigate and to help with the kids in the backseat, I work harder not to drift away.
posted by dog-eared paperback at 11:43 AM on September 28

this is subject-non-specific. the only way to do this is ime 1) get out of your head 2) by moving your attention to the body and the senses.

try this: sit quietly for one minute. move a part of your volitional attention to the left hand. become aware of all the sensations. Expand that to the rest of the body over months.

notice if anything happens.
posted by j_curiouser at 3:17 PM on September 28

This may not address all situations, but I started losing a LOT less stuff when I instituted an ironclad rule of "whenever I stand up, I turn around check where I was sitting to see if I've left anything". This is particularly important in taxis and on public transit, but is also great for getting out of the car, leaving a restaurant, etc.

Adding this as a default Important Task allows me to deliberately pause other things I'm doing (conversing with friends, running late for something, etc) to always double-check where I was sitting before I leave.
posted by cnidaria at 7:52 PM on September 28 [1 favorite]

It sounds like you're specifically having problems noticing things when you are simultaneously a) transitioning from one environment to another and b) in the company of your partner. Your brain only has so much processing power available, and it seems like it's getting temporarily maxed out by making a transition and paying attention to your partner at the same time so that there's nothing left to notice stuff in the environment.

I would try to get in the habit of being aware when you're entering one of these moments and asking your partner to "please give me a moment" with the understanding that they are to remain silent and still for about a minute while you pause and look around and carefully think through anything you might be missing or overlooking.
posted by Jacqueline at 1:05 AM on September 29 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Actually... do you have ADHD? Fill in this (pdf) screening questionnaire and score it. If the scoring indicates ADHD is likely, see your doctor. Posted by heatherlogan at 7:42 PM on September 27

I don't believe I do. I also tried an extremely small amount of partner's meds, and the results were not positive or indicative of shared conditions.
posted by LngGrnd at 7:13 PM on September 29

Response by poster: I can’t honestly say which is worse. He left some valuables in his car, which were stolen. Twice, in 30 years of marriage. But I get stressed many days thinking if these things. So…honestly I’m not sure which is worse.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:02 PM on September 27

That sounds somewhat familiar. My partner feels they can't leave valuables in the car even when I'm staying in it, if I'm parked and waiting for them, in an area they consider not safe (like places where smash and grabs of occupied cars occur, even if the numbers are very low).

If you want to develop spatial awareness something like rock climbing, sailing, or even martial arts can help- the first two more dramatically, but hopefully you get the idea; skills that require awareness or else injury/getting hit in sparring occurs.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:02 PM on September 27

I've done things like race cars, gliding, and boxing, I don't think I have spatial orientation issues in general, it's more a matter of things that don't require my full attention makes it hard to keep any focus on them for long, if that makes sense?
posted by LngGrnd at 7:31 PM on September 29

My partner feels they can't leave valuables in the car even when I'm staying in it, if I'm parked and waiting for them, in an area they consider not safe (like places where smash and grabs of occupied cars occur, even if the numbers are very low).

I was puzzled by this for a moment, then read it again....if occupied cars are getting smash/grabbed, why WOULD she leave her valuables with you in the car? She shouldn't leave them with anyone. I don't think that one necessarily reflects an issue/problem.
posted by tristeza at 2:48 PM on September 30

Response by poster: Does your partner perhaps have a heightened level of awareness about safety issues?

They spent a lot of time around first responders and law enforcement growing up.


If your partner is highly anxious, ...

They've been through numerous anxiety screenings in the context of other diagnoses (AuDHD), and always tested very low.

posted by bluedaisy at 7:18 PM on September 27 [mark as best answer] [4 favorites +] [⚑]
posted by LngGrnd at 7:13 PM on September 30