Help Me Manage My Brother Who May Be Trying To Keep My Inheritance
September 26, 2024 5:09 AM Subscribe
Our father passed away last summer and left his estate to be divided 50:50 between my brother and myself (we are both executors), which comprises: a ~$500K house (which my brother lives in), ~$200K of investments, and a ~$12K car (which my brother has ownership of). Since it's been over a year, I started to gently nudge my brother about what will happen with the house, and after a somewhat positive initial response, he's - rather predictably - gone dark: please help me handle this in the best way, for both of us. I've included a list of details and complexities below.
1. We are both single and middle-aged.
2. My brother/ the property is in country A, I am in country B (far away).
3. My brother:
Has lived in the property for the past 10 years.
Has not worked for at least the past 10 years.
Has historically relied on others (partners/ parents) to support himself.
Has historically developed an undiagnosable illness which prevents him from taking responsibility at times when he needs to do just that.
4. I:
Opened the discussion recently by noting that a year has now passed, and that it would be useful for me to know which direction we're heading, at least timeline-wise.
Received a somewhat positive initial response from him a week later, although I could see seeds being sown for the development of an undiagnosable illness, and there were some notes about the daunting size of the task of clearing the house (and that he would need to keep the car for that too).
Replied acknowledging that clearing the house would be a difficult/ large task, and suggested that a house clearing service was a possible alternative. I also acknowledged that the property has been his home for a long time, and that since I believe the purpose of the inheritance is to benefit us both, asked if he would be open to discussing alternatives to selling - e.g. buying me out, paying me rent, seeking professional advice about other possibilities which might be preferable for his situation - with the solicitor handling the estate.
Sent that reply 4 weeks ago and have not yet heard from him.
4. I also contacted the manager of the investment fund - as I am interested in cashing out my half - and they said both my brother and I will need to co-sign any sale of funds.
5. Truth be told, I don't think he's maliciously trying to keep the house and the car, but I do think avoidance is his go-to response.
After 4 weeks I feel it's time to follow up, but I know that 4 weeks of silence is not a good sign, and I think if I do get a reply, it's not going to be a good one. I truly do want our inheritance to benefit us both, but I'm aware that after what feels like a rebuke to my offer to negotiate, if I continue down the road of trying to be considerate, I'm just digging my own hole and we'll never reach an outcome, and he'll just stay in the house and keep the car (and I don't even know what will happen with the investments, but I feel I at least have some control there, what with our mutual need for co-signing).
So what are my options: short term - if I send a follow-up and don't get a reply, or I do but it's pitched towards avoidance - and long term, what typically happens in a situation like this (and - if necessary - who should I be looking to to help me out)? I'm aware that the house will appreciate - and so too should the investments - so on one hand the only immediate loss is the depreciation of the car, but on the other, if I don't have a plan going forward, I feel that this will drag on for years (and in an ideal world, it'd be useful to at least know what to expect for my own financial planning).
Thanks for any suggestions/ advice.
1. We are both single and middle-aged.
2. My brother/ the property is in country A, I am in country B (far away).
3. My brother:
Has lived in the property for the past 10 years.
Has not worked for at least the past 10 years.
Has historically relied on others (partners/ parents) to support himself.
Has historically developed an undiagnosable illness which prevents him from taking responsibility at times when he needs to do just that.
4. I:
Opened the discussion recently by noting that a year has now passed, and that it would be useful for me to know which direction we're heading, at least timeline-wise.
Received a somewhat positive initial response from him a week later, although I could see seeds being sown for the development of an undiagnosable illness, and there were some notes about the daunting size of the task of clearing the house (and that he would need to keep the car for that too).
Replied acknowledging that clearing the house would be a difficult/ large task, and suggested that a house clearing service was a possible alternative. I also acknowledged that the property has been his home for a long time, and that since I believe the purpose of the inheritance is to benefit us both, asked if he would be open to discussing alternatives to selling - e.g. buying me out, paying me rent, seeking professional advice about other possibilities which might be preferable for his situation - with the solicitor handling the estate.
Sent that reply 4 weeks ago and have not yet heard from him.
4. I also contacted the manager of the investment fund - as I am interested in cashing out my half - and they said both my brother and I will need to co-sign any sale of funds.
5. Truth be told, I don't think he's maliciously trying to keep the house and the car, but I do think avoidance is his go-to response.
After 4 weeks I feel it's time to follow up, but I know that 4 weeks of silence is not a good sign, and I think if I do get a reply, it's not going to be a good one. I truly do want our inheritance to benefit us both, but I'm aware that after what feels like a rebuke to my offer to negotiate, if I continue down the road of trying to be considerate, I'm just digging my own hole and we'll never reach an outcome, and he'll just stay in the house and keep the car (and I don't even know what will happen with the investments, but I feel I at least have some control there, what with our mutual need for co-signing).
So what are my options: short term - if I send a follow-up and don't get a reply, or I do but it's pitched towards avoidance - and long term, what typically happens in a situation like this (and - if necessary - who should I be looking to to help me out)? I'm aware that the house will appreciate - and so too should the investments - so on one hand the only immediate loss is the depreciation of the car, but on the other, if I don't have a plan going forward, I feel that this will drag on for years (and in an ideal world, it'd be useful to at least know what to expect for my own financial planning).
Thanks for any suggestions/ advice.
5. Truth be told, I don't think he's maliciously trying to keep the house and the car, but I do think avoidance is his go-to response.
He's avoiding you because he's currently living in the house and you're asking him to move out so you can sell it.
You need to decide which is more important to you--your relationship with your brother or your half of the inheritance because anything you do to force the issue is going to damage your relationship with your brother.
It's one thing if you don't like your brother and don't want to see him ever again, but if you want him to continue being a part of your life you need to be comfortable with a reality where you might not see your half of the inheritance for a while if at all.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 6:44 AM on September 26 [6 favorites]
He's avoiding you because he's currently living in the house and you're asking him to move out so you can sell it.
You need to decide which is more important to you--your relationship with your brother or your half of the inheritance because anything you do to force the issue is going to damage your relationship with your brother.
It's one thing if you don't like your brother and don't want to see him ever again, but if you want him to continue being a part of your life you need to be comfortable with a reality where you might not see your half of the inheritance for a while if at all.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 6:44 AM on September 26 [6 favorites]
The estate value is 500K +200K +12K = 712K. Your share is 356K. He is in possession of 512K.
He's going to need to mortgage the house to pull out 156K so that you can keep the investments plus 156K for your share. You'll need to factor in mortgage costs, a proper appraisal, and any other transfer costs, so it will be more.
Get all the stuff - death certificate(several copies), deed to the house, will, etc., and the details of what must be done. Go meet with him. If he chooses not to act, you can consult a lawyer and force the sale of the house. You can be kind and still make it clear that you are proceeding, and passivity will not work. The less he cooperates, the more it will cost.
He might be better off to sell the house and buy a very small house or very affordable condo. He may be disabled and able to get soc sec. disability. His passivity will not pay the taxes, health care, food, utilities,etc He may be angry but he is not considering your needs at all. It's not fair for him to block your inheritance.
posted by theora55 at 7:02 AM on September 26 [32 favorites]
He's going to need to mortgage the house to pull out 156K so that you can keep the investments plus 156K for your share. You'll need to factor in mortgage costs, a proper appraisal, and any other transfer costs, so it will be more.
Get all the stuff - death certificate(several copies), deed to the house, will, etc., and the details of what must be done. Go meet with him. If he chooses not to act, you can consult a lawyer and force the sale of the house. You can be kind and still make it clear that you are proceeding, and passivity will not work. The less he cooperates, the more it will cost.
He might be better off to sell the house and buy a very small house or very affordable condo. He may be disabled and able to get soc sec. disability. His passivity will not pay the taxes, health care, food, utilities,etc He may be angry but he is not considering your needs at all. It's not fair for him to block your inheritance.
posted by theora55 at 7:02 AM on September 26 [32 favorites]
Yeah I wondered what is happening with taxes and utilities and so on - I'm assuming he receives some social supports but if not, or if they are insufficient, the house may be degrading (not to mention your brother's health.)
I don't know that you can manage this whole process remotely. I'd plan a trip there and book an appointment with a local-to-your-brother lawyer (or a few appointments to interview lawyers.) It might also be good to take a look at alternative homes for your brother that would be in his price range, including running and maintenance costs, just as a discussion point.
Then I think you need to go there and meet with the lawyer first. Decide what you will do - sell (either to your brother or to someone else) or rent. Then sit down with your brother and explain the process you will be taking, with him and then without him. I don't think you will be able to handle all this via email because he's just not participating, and also because it really is a difficult situation for him.
If any of your solutions involve him staying in the house and paying you over time, I think you should be prepared that a) you won't really necessarily get that money and b) the house may not be maintained in a way that preserves its value. That is totally a choice you can make on human grounds. But go into it with your eyes open. If this were someone who wanted to make sure you get your share, your brother would be either initiating these conversations or staying silent.
There's no way to change your brother. You can only set the parameters in which you'll operate with him.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:17 AM on September 26 [5 favorites]
I don't know that you can manage this whole process remotely. I'd plan a trip there and book an appointment with a local-to-your-brother lawyer (or a few appointments to interview lawyers.) It might also be good to take a look at alternative homes for your brother that would be in his price range, including running and maintenance costs, just as a discussion point.
Then I think you need to go there and meet with the lawyer first. Decide what you will do - sell (either to your brother or to someone else) or rent. Then sit down with your brother and explain the process you will be taking, with him and then without him. I don't think you will be able to handle all this via email because he's just not participating, and also because it really is a difficult situation for him.
If any of your solutions involve him staying in the house and paying you over time, I think you should be prepared that a) you won't really necessarily get that money and b) the house may not be maintained in a way that preserves its value. That is totally a choice you can make on human grounds. But go into it with your eyes open. If this were someone who wanted to make sure you get your share, your brother would be either initiating these conversations or staying silent.
There's no way to change your brother. You can only set the parameters in which you'll operate with him.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:17 AM on September 26 [5 favorites]
Also, obviously I'm making some assumptions here and your brother might be very good about home maintenance. But even houses in good areas can lose a lot of value with one leaky roof that's not addressed, or a basement flood that causes mould, or not maintaining paint/siding/etc. So I would be careful about your assumption that the house's value will only go up.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:26 AM on September 26 [1 favorite]
posted by warriorqueen at 7:26 AM on September 26 [1 favorite]
In your shoes I would do these things:
1. Mentally write off the car as his. He needs it and your half is only $6K. But don't tell him you feel that way until you can use "giving it to him" it as a bargaining chip.
2. Get my half of the investements out asap - that's a high-yield task that's also the easiest task because he only needs to sign for it.
3. Talk to a lawyer asap!
4. Make brother write a new will where the whole house is yours if he dies. (if he has nobody else to give it to), or 50% of the house if he does have another person to leave his half to.
5. Go visit him and rekindle the relationship.... and check on the house, spidey sense wonders if an avoidant kind of person may also be a hoarder and the house is falling apart?
6. Finally, figure out how to split the house. This will be no big deal for you and AWFUL for him so you need to (and it's fair to) lubricate his housing upheaval with your money. You may need to: Offer to help him clear it out yourself, "give him" the car to keep, offer to give him an extra % of your half to cover his move out inconvenience, pay for all of the clearing because he's paying in inconvenience, Give him a timeline, Thank him for doing more parent care and pay him for it, Incentivise him with money if he moves out by X, etc.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:35 AM on September 26 [14 favorites]
1. Mentally write off the car as his. He needs it and your half is only $6K. But don't tell him you feel that way until you can use "giving it to him" it as a bargaining chip.
2. Get my half of the investements out asap - that's a high-yield task that's also the easiest task because he only needs to sign for it.
3. Talk to a lawyer asap!
4. Make brother write a new will where the whole house is yours if he dies. (if he has nobody else to give it to), or 50% of the house if he does have another person to leave his half to.
5. Go visit him and rekindle the relationship.... and check on the house, spidey sense wonders if an avoidant kind of person may also be a hoarder and the house is falling apart?
6. Finally, figure out how to split the house. This will be no big deal for you and AWFUL for him so you need to (and it's fair to) lubricate his housing upheaval with your money. You may need to: Offer to help him clear it out yourself, "give him" the car to keep, offer to give him an extra % of your half to cover his move out inconvenience, pay for all of the clearing because he's paying in inconvenience, Give him a timeline, Thank him for doing more parent care and pay him for it, Incentivise him with money if he moves out by X, etc.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:35 AM on September 26 [14 favorites]
Don't even think about the car - that's the least part of any of this. In your shoes, I would consider offering him your half of the house in exchange for his half of the 200k investment fund. Cash it in, and then walk away and forget about the whole thing.
If he goes for that deal, you'd come away with considerably less than the 50% that you're theoretically due, but 200k in your hand right now might be worth more to you than a long emotional battle with a possible 356k (less legal expenses) at the end of it.
posted by rd45 at 8:04 AM on September 26 [32 favorites]
If he goes for that deal, you'd come away with considerably less than the 50% that you're theoretically due, but 200k in your hand right now might be worth more to you than a long emotional battle with a possible 356k (less legal expenses) at the end of it.
posted by rd45 at 8:04 AM on September 26 [32 favorites]
You'll need the carrot and the stick, even if you don't intend on ever using the stick. The stick here is a "partition sale." It's a procedure where you petition the court to order a sale if you are no longer willing to co-own the house.
Depending on location, he might have a low property tax basis based on the purchase many decades ago. In that case, having him move to a smaller house might actually cost him more. Also, if and when the house is sold, you two may benefit from a step-up basis if you meet certain criteria. It will be wise to figure the tax accounting.
You can't rely on a will -- he could degrade or lose the house in so many ways.
A refinance might be one way to get money out of the house but under no circumstances should anybody ever sign a reverse mortgage.
posted by dum spiro spero at 8:14 AM on September 26 [3 favorites]
Depending on location, he might have a low property tax basis based on the purchase many decades ago. In that case, having him move to a smaller house might actually cost him more. Also, if and when the house is sold, you two may benefit from a step-up basis if you meet certain criteria. It will be wise to figure the tax accounting.
You can't rely on a will -- he could degrade or lose the house in so many ways.
A refinance might be one way to get money out of the house but under no circumstances should anybody ever sign a reverse mortgage.
posted by dum spiro spero at 8:14 AM on September 26 [3 favorites]
Your half of the car is not even 2 percent of the estate value. I'd accept that the car is his and not count it. Do not pressure him to sell it.
You need your own local-to-the-estate lawyer who can look into things for you. They would make sure the house is being maintained and the taxes are being paid or alert you if things are not being cared for. The title should be in someone's name, even if it is still the estate. Same with the car, in fact, which also has a title and yearly fees. I would want someone local to interact with my sibling enough to make sure they were okay living on their own.
Your references to the undiagnosable illness seem like you hold some resentment for his past actions. If he was depressed, for example, would you expect him to just cheer up? Getting a diagnosis is not always a simple thing and there are societal pressures and personal shame that can get in the way. Mentions of clearing the house could be exacerbating any issues he is having. He needs help, and just offering to hire a clearing service could be stoking his fears about losing his house and possessions.
If he is the only local person involved in managing the estate, that is a big job and US laws often say the estate should be paying him an hourly wage for any work he does. Probate taking about a year is typical. If he has been procrastinating things, this local lawyer can find that out and advise you on your options.
posted by soelo at 8:21 AM on September 26 [2 favorites]
You need your own local-to-the-estate lawyer who can look into things for you. They would make sure the house is being maintained and the taxes are being paid or alert you if things are not being cared for. The title should be in someone's name, even if it is still the estate. Same with the car, in fact, which also has a title and yearly fees. I would want someone local to interact with my sibling enough to make sure they were okay living on their own.
Your references to the undiagnosable illness seem like you hold some resentment for his past actions. If he was depressed, for example, would you expect him to just cheer up? Getting a diagnosis is not always a simple thing and there are societal pressures and personal shame that can get in the way. Mentions of clearing the house could be exacerbating any issues he is having. He needs help, and just offering to hire a clearing service could be stoking his fears about losing his house and possessions.
If he is the only local person involved in managing the estate, that is a big job and US laws often say the estate should be paying him an hourly wage for any work he does. Probate taking about a year is typical. If he has been procrastinating things, this local lawyer can find that out and advise you on your options.
posted by soelo at 8:21 AM on September 26 [2 favorites]
If he chooses not to act, you can consult a lawyer and force the sale of the house.
Ok, let's be clear about something here -- this is his home. You're talking here about forcing the sale of his home, with all the upheaval that leaving your home (of at least a decade) entails -- both the physical upheaval of cleaning out and packing up and moving both your things and your father's things, but also the emotional upheaval of being forced, against your will, to leave your home and find a new place to live.
Anon, so much of this conversation has been about the physical and legal tasks around this, but let me ask you a different question: do you want your brother to have to go through all that for your financial gain? You say that you've moved far away, and perhaps you need the money or perhaps it would just be nice to have .... but it seems pretty clear from what you've said here that the emotional cost to your brother would be much higher than any losses you might take on from an uneven split.
The car is of no use to you - agree with the folks above who say "write it off"
Were I in your shoes, I would ask your brother if he'd be ok with you taking the investment fund and him keeping the house, with the understanding that the house would be yours when he passes (basically rd45's advice above). Find an attorney local to him to draw up the paperwork.
If you need the money -- as in, if the money would keep you from poverty, or if the money would be the difference between debt free education for your children and not -- then finding a path the the sale may make sense. But if you don't (and I suspect you don't), then let your brother keep his home on the understanding that should he sell it down the line you're entitled to a percentage of the sale, but otherwise he can live there for as long as he needs to. This is the most ethical thing to do.
posted by anastasiav at 8:35 AM on September 26 [17 favorites]
Ok, let's be clear about something here -- this is his home. You're talking here about forcing the sale of his home, with all the upheaval that leaving your home (of at least a decade) entails -- both the physical upheaval of cleaning out and packing up and moving both your things and your father's things, but also the emotional upheaval of being forced, against your will, to leave your home and find a new place to live.
Anon, so much of this conversation has been about the physical and legal tasks around this, but let me ask you a different question: do you want your brother to have to go through all that for your financial gain? You say that you've moved far away, and perhaps you need the money or perhaps it would just be nice to have .... but it seems pretty clear from what you've said here that the emotional cost to your brother would be much higher than any losses you might take on from an uneven split.
The car is of no use to you - agree with the folks above who say "write it off"
Were I in your shoes, I would ask your brother if he'd be ok with you taking the investment fund and him keeping the house, with the understanding that the house would be yours when he passes (basically rd45's advice above). Find an attorney local to him to draw up the paperwork.
If you need the money -- as in, if the money would keep you from poverty, or if the money would be the difference between debt free education for your children and not -- then finding a path the the sale may make sense. But if you don't (and I suspect you don't), then let your brother keep his home on the understanding that should he sell it down the line you're entitled to a percentage of the sale, but otherwise he can live there for as long as he needs to. This is the most ethical thing to do.
posted by anastasiav at 8:35 AM on September 26 [17 favorites]
If I were to live rent free at my parents house for ten years and then need to move due to them dying so that the house inheritance could be split with my siblings, yeah I wouldn't want to give up my good thing either, but that doesn't mean I'm in the right. Your parent may having been hoping that this could help give them a kick in the pants to get out.
Talk to a local lawyer, and decide how much you want this family member in your life, what you're willing to fight for and trade ie give in on the car to get the investments released. They'll complain and hate you no matter what you do probably as you're going to be disrupting their comfortable life, so go in expecting that. Don't draw it out, that's just going to make everything worse and more painful for everyone involved. Pay the money and get outsiders to do the dirty work.
posted by Art_Pot at 9:46 AM on September 26 [8 favorites]
Talk to a local lawyer, and decide how much you want this family member in your life, what you're willing to fight for and trade ie give in on the car to get the investments released. They'll complain and hate you no matter what you do probably as you're going to be disrupting their comfortable life, so go in expecting that. Don't draw it out, that's just going to make everything worse and more painful for everyone involved. Pay the money and get outsiders to do the dirty work.
posted by Art_Pot at 9:46 AM on September 26 [8 favorites]
I am currently in the process of resolving my own father’s estate with my brother. I have told him that I don’t want any of the modest funds we will get. My brother is far from well, did a lot of caring for our father and has suffered from depression for years. His response was that our father had always been scrupulous about providing equal financial support or gifts to both of us and he felt it would be his wish that that should continue that. I told him I would transfer anything that came to me the second I had it. He didn’t argue. I am also paying for funeral, house clearing etc because I do not want to eat into this modest inheritance.
That’s because the amount will make a much bigger difference to him than to me. But I would not assume that as default position if my share was 350k+. I might still waive some of my share to help him get some longer term security. But that kind of money would also make a difference in my life and retirement plans. And that would not make me a bad person. I would absolutely expect him to help get both of us access to that inheritance in the first place, including moving and signing documents to liquidate investments.
OP, don’t feel bad about wanting your inheritance. Go and learn what your options are to force this. That doesn’t mean you will use these options but you will know what that would entail if it comes to that.
Then go and actually see your brother and figure out what the problem is.
He may simply feel overwhelmed. I am not minimising that finding somewhere to live/moving/house clearing are all daunting. It may also be upsetting to part with contents of the house. If he’s not got a job he won’t just be able to sign a lease and move while the house is being cleared and sold etc
So try to figure out what is stopping him and if he’s willing to accept help to overcome that. That may entail you doing a lot of legwork and handholding from afar. So consider what you are/not willing to do.
In my case, it turns out that while my brother lives local and I in another country I am researching and organising all the things, making all the calls, writing all the letters because he sucks at that kind of thing.
posted by koahiatamadl at 10:30 AM on September 26 [8 favorites]
That’s because the amount will make a much bigger difference to him than to me. But I would not assume that as default position if my share was 350k+. I might still waive some of my share to help him get some longer term security. But that kind of money would also make a difference in my life and retirement plans. And that would not make me a bad person. I would absolutely expect him to help get both of us access to that inheritance in the first place, including moving and signing documents to liquidate investments.
OP, don’t feel bad about wanting your inheritance. Go and learn what your options are to force this. That doesn’t mean you will use these options but you will know what that would entail if it comes to that.
Then go and actually see your brother and figure out what the problem is.
He may simply feel overwhelmed. I am not minimising that finding somewhere to live/moving/house clearing are all daunting. It may also be upsetting to part with contents of the house. If he’s not got a job he won’t just be able to sign a lease and move while the house is being cleared and sold etc
So try to figure out what is stopping him and if he’s willing to accept help to overcome that. That may entail you doing a lot of legwork and handholding from afar. So consider what you are/not willing to do.
In my case, it turns out that while my brother lives local and I in another country I am researching and organising all the things, making all the calls, writing all the letters because he sucks at that kind of thing.
posted by koahiatamadl at 10:30 AM on September 26 [8 favorites]
I would also seriously consider forgetting all about the car and offering to take the investments and give up my share of the house. But of course that depends a lot on how much you're depending on this inheritance and how much upheaval you're willing to ask your brother to go through. If you can't afford to write off the difference, then you can't, and it's time to talk to a lawyer about options and approaches.
I will note, though, that this time period isn't at all unusual for probate, and you should probably try to tamp down a sense of "it's been a whole year, why isn't this resolved?" Even if your brother were wholeheartedly invested in moving things along this might well be where you are. This process takes a long time.
posted by Stacey at 10:44 AM on September 26 [5 favorites]
I will note, though, that this time period isn't at all unusual for probate, and you should probably try to tamp down a sense of "it's been a whole year, why isn't this resolved?" Even if your brother were wholeheartedly invested in moving things along this might well be where you are. This process takes a long time.
posted by Stacey at 10:44 AM on September 26 [5 favorites]
From your description of your brother, he does not have the financial ability to buy out your half or even possibility enough to afford a new place to live if he has to vacate the house that he is in. This means that it is going to very rough on him to move ahead with distributing your father's estate and some combination of avoidance and lack of alternatives means that that one might logically expect him to drag it out for as long as possible to postpone the unpleasant reality of whatever happens next.
Given that reality, my preference would be to just take all of the money in the investment account in exchange for him getting to keep the house and car. You would be giving up some money but you would be gaining (1) speed of settling the estate (2) no guilty about kicking your brother out of the house where he had been living and possibility into homelessness and (3) a good excuse not give him money later in life. And of course, you would also be getting cash free and clear for your own use.
However, I might want to make the offer contingent on it being done quickly. For example, I might tell him that I'm going to be needing some money soon and if I would willing to offer this deal (i get the money sooner but he gets over $100k more) if we can get it done by [deadline]. I would also include something that shows that if he doesn't, you are going to push towards moving ahead on sale of the house. eg: if you don't want to do this and would rather split both the house and the cash equally, then maybe I help us move ahead on the sale of the house by identifying a good real estate agent. [I know it doesn't make sense for you to try to find the agent from far away but he needs a sense of urgency that this generous offer needs him to act quickly to lock it down.]
posted by metahawk at 11:52 AM on September 26 [6 favorites]
Given that reality, my preference would be to just take all of the money in the investment account in exchange for him getting to keep the house and car. You would be giving up some money but you would be gaining (1) speed of settling the estate (2) no guilty about kicking your brother out of the house where he had been living and possibility into homelessness and (3) a good excuse not give him money later in life. And of course, you would also be getting cash free and clear for your own use.
However, I might want to make the offer contingent on it being done quickly. For example, I might tell him that I'm going to be needing some money soon and if I would willing to offer this deal (i get the money sooner but he gets over $100k more) if we can get it done by [deadline]. I would also include something that shows that if he doesn't, you are going to push towards moving ahead on sale of the house. eg: if you don't want to do this and would rather split both the house and the cash equally, then maybe I help us move ahead on the sale of the house by identifying a good real estate agent. [I know it doesn't make sense for you to try to find the agent from far away but he needs a sense of urgency that this generous offer needs him to act quickly to lock it down.]
posted by metahawk at 11:52 AM on September 26 [6 favorites]
You're going to have to lawyer up. Even in amicable situations having a lawyer to facilitate the process is the best way to work things out. Forget the past ten years of occupancy and the car. If you can afford to travel to see what condition both your brother and the house are in and actually see if he's willing to communicate, that would be ideal. Both of those aspects will determine how you need to proceed. If you prefer to work through a lawyer, it could be handled that way, but you might feel differently about the house when you actually see it, no matter the condition, and using a lawyer without a first face-to-face may make your brother feel you are taking an adversarial position going forward.
Beyond that, your lawyer will advise you if the house is being kept up and the taxes paid, etc. Things might be fine since your father only died recently, or the whole property issue might be a mess because your brother has been in residence for so long. Ideally, your brother would agree to downsize and find an affordable home with some finances to help him with taxes, etc. going forward. Splitting the investments would give him living expenses. Maybe he wants the house badly enough to not want the financially sensible solution. That's not your decision to make. In that case, you absolutely need to know what the house situation is. What is the true value? Do you want to inherit a wreck or a money pit? Do you want to deal with the fact that he will continue living there and how to handle a rent issue or getting him out? What if the house is in good condition and he destroys or neglects it? Working through all of that will take time and continued legal fees. Letting him have it and washing your hands of the whole house thing may be the only way to handle it unless you want to wind up being in a position of responsibility and financing him. From the way you worded your ask, it sounds like that's not what you want to do at all.
You need to do the right and fair thing financially for both your brother and you, too. That is what your father wished for in his will. However, be aware that your brother may believe he is entitled, believes that an equitable spilt is not right or fair, and that might impact whatever relationship you have going forward. Is this important to you, given your past and present relationship, your age, and the fact you live in different countries?
Minus the car, 500K +200K = 700K. Your share is 300K. That's under the assumption that the house actually appraises for that without major repairs needing to be done and no taxes owing. My bet is it will be a wash between the value of the house and the investments at this point, with the value slowly declining due to neglect. Your best bet may be to agree to forget the house and take the investments. That may also generate the least animosity with your brother if he isn't getting any money from the investments currently and may be the scenario with the highest possibility of a fast resolution, which is what you want. If the house is actually worth 500K or more, you will need to ask yourself that 100K (or more) is worth your time and mental effort, the cost of the lawyer, and your relationship. You could easily spend 50K on legal fees even if there is only a minor squabble just getting signatures on paperwork in the house/investment trade.
As far as financial planning at this point, I would continue as if there were no inheritance coming to you. With this situation, you really won't know what to expect until the dust clears.
I wish you luck and a good outcome for all. Dealing with an inheritance can be horrible.
posted by BlueHorse at 12:36 PM on September 26 [3 favorites]
Beyond that, your lawyer will advise you if the house is being kept up and the taxes paid, etc. Things might be fine since your father only died recently, or the whole property issue might be a mess because your brother has been in residence for so long. Ideally, your brother would agree to downsize and find an affordable home with some finances to help him with taxes, etc. going forward. Splitting the investments would give him living expenses. Maybe he wants the house badly enough to not want the financially sensible solution. That's not your decision to make. In that case, you absolutely need to know what the house situation is. What is the true value? Do you want to inherit a wreck or a money pit? Do you want to deal with the fact that he will continue living there and how to handle a rent issue or getting him out? What if the house is in good condition and he destroys or neglects it? Working through all of that will take time and continued legal fees. Letting him have it and washing your hands of the whole house thing may be the only way to handle it unless you want to wind up being in a position of responsibility and financing him. From the way you worded your ask, it sounds like that's not what you want to do at all.
You need to do the right and fair thing financially for both your brother and you, too. That is what your father wished for in his will. However, be aware that your brother may believe he is entitled, believes that an equitable spilt is not right or fair, and that might impact whatever relationship you have going forward. Is this important to you, given your past and present relationship, your age, and the fact you live in different countries?
Minus the car, 500K +200K = 700K. Your share is 300K. That's under the assumption that the house actually appraises for that without major repairs needing to be done and no taxes owing. My bet is it will be a wash between the value of the house and the investments at this point, with the value slowly declining due to neglect. Your best bet may be to agree to forget the house and take the investments. That may also generate the least animosity with your brother if he isn't getting any money from the investments currently and may be the scenario with the highest possibility of a fast resolution, which is what you want. If the house is actually worth 500K or more, you will need to ask yourself that 100K (or more) is worth your time and mental effort, the cost of the lawyer, and your relationship. You could easily spend 50K on legal fees even if there is only a minor squabble just getting signatures on paperwork in the house/investment trade.
As far as financial planning at this point, I would continue as if there were no inheritance coming to you. With this situation, you really won't know what to expect until the dust clears.
I wish you luck and a good outcome for all. Dealing with an inheritance can be horrible.
posted by BlueHorse at 12:36 PM on September 26 [3 favorites]
I am sorry to hear about your loss.
There is a question you probably don't and if you don't you now can't know the answer to, which is -- what was your father's intention? Would he want the result of his death would be a forced sale and your brother having to move out? Maybe! You knew your dad, I don't.
It could be that if your father had wanted your brother to stay in the house he would have left it all to him. But it could also be that your father's expectation was that your brother would stay in the house for the rest of his life; the half of the value of the house that's yours is still yours, it hasn't been seized by your brother, it's just not liquid. If your brother dies first, you can do with it what you will, and if you die first, ownership of that half will go wherever your will directs it. Do you have any idea which better reflects what your father had in mind?
posted by escabeche at 7:23 PM on September 26
There is a question you probably don't and if you don't you now can't know the answer to, which is -- what was your father's intention? Would he want the result of his death would be a forced sale and your brother having to move out? Maybe! You knew your dad, I don't.
It could be that if your father had wanted your brother to stay in the house he would have left it all to him. But it could also be that your father's expectation was that your brother would stay in the house for the rest of his life; the half of the value of the house that's yours is still yours, it hasn't been seized by your brother, it's just not liquid. If your brother dies first, you can do with it what you will, and if you die first, ownership of that half will go wherever your will directs it. Do you have any idea which better reflects what your father had in mind?
posted by escabeche at 7:23 PM on September 26
I would suggest you take all of the investments right now, and 20% of the proceeds of the sale of the house whenever that happens -- with the understanding that your brother is free to live in the house as long as he likes and sell it in his own time.
That's contingent on a lawyer being able to draw up papers that keep you free of any future taxes or other liabilities or encumbrances that may come from the house. If that isn't possible in the laws where the house is located, then I'd agree with others upthread who suggest ceding the full ownership of the house to your brother now in return for all of the investments.
posted by willnot at 9:38 PM on September 26 [2 favorites]
That's contingent on a lawyer being able to draw up papers that keep you free of any future taxes or other liabilities or encumbrances that may come from the house. If that isn't possible in the laws where the house is located, then I'd agree with others upthread who suggest ceding the full ownership of the house to your brother now in return for all of the investments.
posted by willnot at 9:38 PM on September 26 [2 favorites]
Opting for the investment and leaving the brother with the rest may be ‚easiest‘ now. It would probably leave your brother in a house he cannot afford to keep up and can’t move out of and leave him truly stuck a few years down the road. It would also minimise friction now, maybe, but he may also turn to you for help with paying for the house and you’d rightly balk at that because he’s already had a chunk of your inheritance. It may not be a very good outcome over all.
So if you have it in you to help him see that there are alternatives that would be more sustainable long-Term if he is willing to move that would probably be a good deed…if he’s willing to accept help to get there. He does not sound like the kind of person, who could develop the kind of multi step plan that would take and execute it without you doing a lot of legwork.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:28 PM on September 26 [3 favorites]
So if you have it in you to help him see that there are alternatives that would be more sustainable long-Term if he is willing to move that would probably be a good deed…if he’s willing to accept help to get there. He does not sound like the kind of person, who could develop the kind of multi step plan that would take and execute it without you doing a lot of legwork.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:28 PM on September 26 [3 favorites]
Ok, let's be clear about something here -- this is his home.
Unless I'm fundamentally misreading something here, its not? only half of it is.
It seems like some gentle pressure from a lawyer to get him to co sign for you to take the investments would be useful, and doable. There's really nothing he has to do---no cleaning out a house, no work, just signing a form. If he won't do that even with some pressure, its probably a bit less of avoidance/anxiety/overwhelmed and more stonewalling because he wants to live in a half a million dollar house rent free.
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 7:57 AM on September 27
Unless I'm fundamentally misreading something here, its not? only half of it is.
It seems like some gentle pressure from a lawyer to get him to co sign for you to take the investments would be useful, and doable. There's really nothing he has to do---no cleaning out a house, no work, just signing a form. If he won't do that even with some pressure, its probably a bit less of avoidance/anxiety/overwhelmed and more stonewalling because he wants to live in a half a million dollar house rent free.
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 7:57 AM on September 27
Unless I'm fundamentally misreading something here, its not? only half of it is.
I don't know how you define home, but I define someone's home as they place where they live, where their stuff is, and where their memories are. To the og poster, its a house, a piece of property, a valuation, but to the brother it is, in the most literal sense his home.
Its fascinating to me how many people replying here are losing sight of that. Perhaps you've never been involved with an adverse sale, being kicked out of your home of a decade or more simply because someone else involved wanted the money they could get from the sale, but let me say from an up close view it is a uniquely stressful experience when you're the one living in the house. Probably doubly so when its the house you lived in with a parent, and probably where you watched the parent age and decline, perhaps even where you took care of the parent in the final months and weeks of their life.
Of course the brother is avoiding further conversation about this. The OP has said, basically, "ok, now that's over when can you move out so I can have the money I'm due"
For anyone to simply think about this in terms of contracts or inheritance or profit is ignoring the very real emotions of the person who will be forced to move (and, I think, due to the OP saying they live "far away", probably forced to do all the physical and emotional labor necessary to make that move happen, with little support).
I don't know where you live but even here in rural New England a "half a million dollar house" could very well be a two bedroom cape that hasn't been updated in 20 years.
The important part of this conversation between the op and his brother is not the money, its the emotions. Until the brother gets for the emotional part of this -- questions like "where will I live?" and "who will help me clean out the house? "how I will I manage this?", its going to continue to be foot dragging and adversarial. Nobody should lose sight of that.
posted by anastasiav at 10:32 AM on September 27
I don't know how you define home, but I define someone's home as they place where they live, where their stuff is, and where their memories are. To the og poster, its a house, a piece of property, a valuation, but to the brother it is, in the most literal sense his home.
Its fascinating to me how many people replying here are losing sight of that. Perhaps you've never been involved with an adverse sale, being kicked out of your home of a decade or more simply because someone else involved wanted the money they could get from the sale, but let me say from an up close view it is a uniquely stressful experience when you're the one living in the house. Probably doubly so when its the house you lived in with a parent, and probably where you watched the parent age and decline, perhaps even where you took care of the parent in the final months and weeks of their life.
Of course the brother is avoiding further conversation about this. The OP has said, basically, "ok, now that's over when can you move out so I can have the money I'm due"
For anyone to simply think about this in terms of contracts or inheritance or profit is ignoring the very real emotions of the person who will be forced to move (and, I think, due to the OP saying they live "far away", probably forced to do all the physical and emotional labor necessary to make that move happen, with little support).
I don't know where you live but even here in rural New England a "half a million dollar house" could very well be a two bedroom cape that hasn't been updated in 20 years.
The important part of this conversation between the op and his brother is not the money, its the emotions. Until the brother gets for the emotional part of this -- questions like "where will I live?" and "who will help me clean out the house? "how I will I manage this?", its going to continue to be foot dragging and adversarial. Nobody should lose sight of that.
posted by anastasiav at 10:32 AM on September 27
Can you suggest signing the house to him in exchange for 100% of the investments? You lose money but save a lot of time and effort. If you wanted to force a sale you'd have to get a lawyer involved and there a lot of potential speed bumps. Taxes from a potential sale could be higher since you live out of country.
posted by hermanubis at 5:23 PM on September 30
posted by hermanubis at 5:23 PM on September 30
« Older How do I get doctors to stop accusing me of lying? | tell me what you find when you read my mind Newer »
You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments
If your question is how to handle your brother, the only thing I've got is to plan a visit. Considering his strategy of avoidance, I would be worried that the house will decline due to deferred maintenance and repair. There is also the timely payment of taxes and utilities to be concerned about.
But mostly, I'd contact a lawyer. They can serve both as a local contact and give you legal advice. The probate lawyers I have dealt with have had expertise in both the legal intricacies and family politics of these problems and have been willing to help with both. It doesn't have to be contentious until it does and you don't want to make a generous mistake now that affects your rights later.
posted by donpardo at 6:01 AM on September 26 [11 favorites]