Dynamics of old friends visiting
September 9, 2024 10:54 PM Subscribe
I have an old college friend X who is visiting from another country to my city, to take a sick family member to hospital. She does this at least twice or thrice a year. In the last five-seven years, she has been interested in getting together, but somehow the circumstances were such that I just wasn't able to. I'm not good at relationships, but I have good memories of my friendship with X and I'd like to keep those without becoming burdened by old expectations. How do I rekindle this friendship without being out of balance?
Initially when X first started making these trips, I was recovering from a breakdown, mental and physical, which was a very long and painful phase of my life, and I did not want to be exposed in my fragility. My old house was also in terrible shambles at that time and it was not fit to invite a guest to stay. I also didn't have money and had lost my job, so finances were very tight. I didn't extend an offer for her to stay with me. I know she may have felt bad about it but I was too embarrassed to explain.
Also, while I was willing to meet with her, in later visits, she was hell bent on having larger get-togethers with people I am no longer friends with. One of them particularly A, my friend X asked me a lot of pointed questions about why I was not willing to meet with A. A had cheated me out of some money, and also A had extended invitations to X to stay with me, without my knowledge and permission, saying that she herself was extremely busy with her family and couldn't be expected to host people but that I could because I was single and of course, always available. I had cut A off, for this and a long string of other malicious behavior over the years. But I didn't tell X any of this because I felt it would create drama.
Then one year X made a plan to visit me - I had invited her for lunch, but she insisted on bringing someone else that I did not know (she was staying with that person). I was not comfortable inviting someone I didn't know into my home (I am an introvert) and I tried to tell her, obliquely, but she didn't take the hint. I canceled that plan, albeit the day before, and I think she was very offended.
Now again X has visited my city, and the whole cycle has started repeating. Actually she called me from the airport when she arrived (no prior notice), and I even invited her to stay with me, but she has not followed through. We were supposed to meet, but she didn't show up and now says her last free day is for shopping. Now she says she'll visit me on the way to the airport when leaving which may not be possible.
I'm not saying I'm perfect or a victim, but I feel fragile around people who behave in this free flowing way. I never know if I can count on them, or if they will show up or put me on the spot.
Initially when X first started making these trips, I was recovering from a breakdown, mental and physical, which was a very long and painful phase of my life, and I did not want to be exposed in my fragility. My old house was also in terrible shambles at that time and it was not fit to invite a guest to stay. I also didn't have money and had lost my job, so finances were very tight. I didn't extend an offer for her to stay with me. I know she may have felt bad about it but I was too embarrassed to explain.
Also, while I was willing to meet with her, in later visits, she was hell bent on having larger get-togethers with people I am no longer friends with. One of them particularly A, my friend X asked me a lot of pointed questions about why I was not willing to meet with A. A had cheated me out of some money, and also A had extended invitations to X to stay with me, without my knowledge and permission, saying that she herself was extremely busy with her family and couldn't be expected to host people but that I could because I was single and of course, always available. I had cut A off, for this and a long string of other malicious behavior over the years. But I didn't tell X any of this because I felt it would create drama.
Then one year X made a plan to visit me - I had invited her for lunch, but she insisted on bringing someone else that I did not know (she was staying with that person). I was not comfortable inviting someone I didn't know into my home (I am an introvert) and I tried to tell her, obliquely, but she didn't take the hint. I canceled that plan, albeit the day before, and I think she was very offended.
Now again X has visited my city, and the whole cycle has started repeating. Actually she called me from the airport when she arrived (no prior notice), and I even invited her to stay with me, but she has not followed through. We were supposed to meet, but she didn't show up and now says her last free day is for shopping. Now she says she'll visit me on the way to the airport when leaving which may not be possible.
I'm not saying I'm perfect or a victim, but I feel fragile around people who behave in this free flowing way. I never know if I can count on them, or if they will show up or put me on the spot.
I never know if I can count on them, or if they will show up or put me on the spot.
Do you enjoy her company?
It sounds like she's not a friend to rely on, or to have a very deep relationship with, probably for reasons of circumstance rather than personality. But if you actually enjoy spending an hour or two talking with her, then make it happen. And if you don't, then don't.
If you do think you'd enjoy meeting up: Tell her straight out (oblique hinting is nonsense) that you'd love to meet up but only one-on-one, you're too stressed/anxious/whatever for group meetups or meetings with strangers. And tell her if she can't do that you understand and it's fine, hopefully you both can make it work next time, but if she can then you'd love to see her because you know it's been a long time.
By the way, you say you never know if you can count on people like her, but it sounds like you've been at least as flaky as she has. She hasn't been able to count on you. You even canceled a plan at the last minute because you didn't have the courage to say you didn't feel comfortable meeting her with a stranger. You said no to invitations in previous years for good reasons, but didn't have the courage to actually tell her those reasons. That's okay, you don't need to feel terrible about it, but understand that at this point you're probably the flaky friend to her, and of course she's not going to prioritize you or build her schedule around you. Especially when she's in town for very short windows of time and can't gamble that time on people who flake out and who don't prioritize her. She's probably being protective of herself, just like you are. She might feel fragile around you, for good reason.
(FWIW also visiting internationally to care for a sick relative multiple times a year is probably pretty stressful and difficult for her. And it gives her a very limited window of time to see everyone and do all the things. It would be nice for you if her life were so well organized that she could give you a lot of notice before she comes and make lots of room in her schedule to spend time with you individually, but you know - maybe before the trip she's super stressed trying to finish all the things she needs to do for her day-to-day life before she leaves, on top of handling all the logistics of the upcoming trip and juggling all the scheduling constraints of her more reliable friends. Letting you know she's coming at the last minute may be the best she can do. Seeing friends in groups rather than individually may be the best she can do. And she may have her own breakdowns and stresses and things that you don't know about.
So see her or don't see her, continue the friendship or don't. Sometimes people's lives aren't in a place where they can make it work and that's okay. But don't do the thing where you build up a feeling of being hard-done by someone, without thinking about how things might look from her end.)
Since your actual question was how to rekindle the friendship - you do it by extending understanding for her perspective, and giving her the information she needs to do the same for you.
posted by trig at 2:34 AM on September 10, 2024 [31 favorites]
Do you enjoy her company?
It sounds like she's not a friend to rely on, or to have a very deep relationship with, probably for reasons of circumstance rather than personality. But if you actually enjoy spending an hour or two talking with her, then make it happen. And if you don't, then don't.
If you do think you'd enjoy meeting up: Tell her straight out (oblique hinting is nonsense) that you'd love to meet up but only one-on-one, you're too stressed/anxious/whatever for group meetups or meetings with strangers. And tell her if she can't do that you understand and it's fine, hopefully you both can make it work next time, but if she can then you'd love to see her because you know it's been a long time.
By the way, you say you never know if you can count on people like her, but it sounds like you've been at least as flaky as she has. She hasn't been able to count on you. You even canceled a plan at the last minute because you didn't have the courage to say you didn't feel comfortable meeting her with a stranger. You said no to invitations in previous years for good reasons, but didn't have the courage to actually tell her those reasons. That's okay, you don't need to feel terrible about it, but understand that at this point you're probably the flaky friend to her, and of course she's not going to prioritize you or build her schedule around you. Especially when she's in town for very short windows of time and can't gamble that time on people who flake out and who don't prioritize her. She's probably being protective of herself, just like you are. She might feel fragile around you, for good reason.
(FWIW also visiting internationally to care for a sick relative multiple times a year is probably pretty stressful and difficult for her. And it gives her a very limited window of time to see everyone and do all the things. It would be nice for you if her life were so well organized that she could give you a lot of notice before she comes and make lots of room in her schedule to spend time with you individually, but you know - maybe before the trip she's super stressed trying to finish all the things she needs to do for her day-to-day life before she leaves, on top of handling all the logistics of the upcoming trip and juggling all the scheduling constraints of her more reliable friends. Letting you know she's coming at the last minute may be the best she can do. Seeing friends in groups rather than individually may be the best she can do. And she may have her own breakdowns and stresses and things that you don't know about.
So see her or don't see her, continue the friendship or don't. Sometimes people's lives aren't in a place where they can make it work and that's okay. But don't do the thing where you build up a feeling of being hard-done by someone, without thinking about how things might look from her end.)
Since your actual question was how to rekindle the friendship - you do it by extending understanding for her perspective, and giving her the information she needs to do the same for you.
posted by trig at 2:34 AM on September 10, 2024 [31 favorites]
If you want to rekindle this friendship, I think it's on you to make a bit of an effort to see her. Based on your account, she's been making an effort to see you for years but you've been declining. You could ask her where she plans on going shopping and offer to meet her for a coffee/lunch/dinner nearby?
posted by emd3737 at 3:50 AM on September 10, 2024 [3 favorites]
posted by emd3737 at 3:50 AM on September 10, 2024 [3 favorites]
I feel fragile around people who behave in this free flowing way. I never know if I can count on them, or if they will show up or put me on the spot.
It is fine if you don't have the time or energy to manage these visits. They do seem like a logistical challenge, on both your parts.
It took me many years to accept friendships sometimes fade off and people fall out of touch; I would make performative attempts to maintain friendship, because that was the "right" thing to do. You are free to just decide its too much and just stop. You could also keep in touch without the meeting in person component.
The other option is to accept, as the person who is not traveling internationally and dealing with family in a short span of time, you are the one who should be flexible--even if that means you share the visit with another person.
good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 5:00 AM on September 10, 2024 [2 favorites]
It is fine if you don't have the time or energy to manage these visits. They do seem like a logistical challenge, on both your parts.
It took me many years to accept friendships sometimes fade off and people fall out of touch; I would make performative attempts to maintain friendship, because that was the "right" thing to do. You are free to just decide its too much and just stop. You could also keep in touch without the meeting in person component.
The other option is to accept, as the person who is not traveling internationally and dealing with family in a short span of time, you are the one who should be flexible--even if that means you share the visit with another person.
good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 5:00 AM on September 10, 2024 [2 favorites]
I agree that if you want to try seeing her, you need to be more flexible - the one who needs to travel several times a year to help a sick relative is not the one who can accommodate the exact preferences of each person who wants to see her one-on-one while she's in town, and she will need a little grace to be flakier than someone who's actually in town for fun reasons.
You absolutely don't need to have people in your home that you're not comfortable with, and you don't need to invite her to stay with you. But you may need to schedule a lunch outside your home, at a time convenient for your friend, and be gracious about it if she asks to bring her host along even if it's not what you'd prefer. You don't need to tell X all about your experiences and feelings with A, but you also can't get too worked up about her asking or inviting you to things with A there if you haven't given her any reason to know she shouldn't.
It could also be helpful to separate the friendship from the visits. You want to try to rekindle your friendship, to a limited extent, with some reasonable boundaries in place. But is there a reason that has to happen at these visits? Could you put some effort into being in touch between visits and strengthening your friendship that way? Alternatively, could you offer to give your friend a lift to the airport and use that time for catching-up? Next time around, could you drop in at the hospital to visit her with some flowers or food for her and her ill family member?
I think you have a lot of options here - but probably not the option of a one on one hangout at your home at the time and date of your preference, with lots of notice and a guarantee that she won't flake.
posted by Stacey at 6:04 AM on September 10, 2024 [9 favorites]
You absolutely don't need to have people in your home that you're not comfortable with, and you don't need to invite her to stay with you. But you may need to schedule a lunch outside your home, at a time convenient for your friend, and be gracious about it if she asks to bring her host along even if it's not what you'd prefer. You don't need to tell X all about your experiences and feelings with A, but you also can't get too worked up about her asking or inviting you to things with A there if you haven't given her any reason to know she shouldn't.
It could also be helpful to separate the friendship from the visits. You want to try to rekindle your friendship, to a limited extent, with some reasonable boundaries in place. But is there a reason that has to happen at these visits? Could you put some effort into being in touch between visits and strengthening your friendship that way? Alternatively, could you offer to give your friend a lift to the airport and use that time for catching-up? Next time around, could you drop in at the hospital to visit her with some flowers or food for her and her ill family member?
I think you have a lot of options here - but probably not the option of a one on one hangout at your home at the time and date of your preference, with lots of notice and a guarantee that she won't flake.
posted by Stacey at 6:04 AM on September 10, 2024 [9 favorites]
(Just as some perspective, in addition to the ways described above for keeping in touch outside of X's visits, there's one more way: visiting her, in her country. If planning and doing that seems stressful, expensive, and just way too much work, consider that she's undertaking that multiple times a year, every year. It's really hard, even without the extra layer of hospitals and sick relatives. I wonder if she ever even gets to take any kind of vacation for herself.)
posted by trig at 6:26 AM on September 10, 2024 [2 favorites]
posted by trig at 6:26 AM on September 10, 2024 [2 favorites]
I tried to tell her, obliquely, but she didn't take the hint.
Ask culture, meet Guess culture.
The fact that she keeps inviting people along without talking to you about it places her firmly in Ask culture. Obliqueness is not going to work.
Like you, I prefer one on one chats and at this point in my life I simply tell people that. “I don’t do well in groups so I would prefer it if it was just us.”
You have every right in the world to feel that way, and to say it out loud.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:43 AM on September 10, 2024 [4 favorites]
Ask culture, meet Guess culture.
The fact that she keeps inviting people along without talking to you about it places her firmly in Ask culture. Obliqueness is not going to work.
Like you, I prefer one on one chats and at this point in my life I simply tell people that. “I don’t do well in groups so I would prefer it if it was just us.”
You have every right in the world to feel that way, and to say it out loud.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:43 AM on September 10, 2024 [4 favorites]
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posted by Iteki at 12:18 AM on September 10, 2024 [4 favorites]