Help me think about how to deal with this difficult situation, please.
September 5, 2024 12:39 PM Subscribe
I need help with a touchy situation that brings up alllll sorts of tough issues for me.
The folks involved:
-- Me - adult woman/mom/wife.
-- My husband - older than me, starting to have serious medical issues.
-- My kid - college senior.
The maternal grandparents, who have been divorced since I was a small child:
-- My mom - early 80s, would love to see her only grandchild's college graduation. Not in great physical or intellectual shape wrt senility; can't make this journey alone and would need assistance throughout the entire process, would need assistance at the graduation itself. Among her physical issues: incontinence, so is using undergarments for that but sometimes has accidents. Has no money to speak of.
-- My dad & his wife - He's mid 80s, she's a bit younger. They're both in better shape than my mom, and they also have each other to rely on. Financially secure.
Even more elements:
-- Kid's college - all the way across the country from where we live, in a semirural, slightly hard-to-access area. You can fly directly to a nearby big city then drive 3+ hours, the last hour of which is rural. Or you can fly to a closer airport but there are no direct flights from our area, and then you have a 1-hour drive over very rural and isolated roads (no cell service for 1/2 of it). There is no train, taxi or Uber/Lyft in this area.
-- My sister: lives in that big city 3+ hours from the college. Has serious, lifelong mental health issues that cause her to lash out in anger frequently, and generally isn't pleasant to be around. Has no spare money whatsoever, doesn't have a car but can drive.
Okay so here's the issue:
My mom will want to come to the graduation. I don't want her to come because the only way to make it happen means that I will have to spend every available second managing her -- managing her travel or traveling with her, managing every step of every day that we are in the college town, managing every minute of the graduation day, her movements, her access to seating and toilet and everything else. My husband can help a little with this but he also needs assistance of his own, can't walk far distances, etc. To make the whole thing even more stressful, directly after graduation, the dorm has to be emptied. So I'll also be dealing with my kid's four years' worth of stuff, which has to be disposed of, packed, taken to shippers, etc. (Yes, some of this can be done in advance, but also he'll be in finals directly before this so I'm being realistic: there will be a lot to handle.)
I don't want to ask for any assistance from my kid with my mom; he deserves a robust celebration. I don't want to ask my sister to come and assist, because she will be unpleasant and frankly not very much help, while also requiring a ton of my emotional labor and my monetary assistance. (Please believe me when I say that her lifelong mental illness makes this un-changeable.) My husband will absolutely help to the best of his ability...and that isn't a ton because of his own current medical issues.
My dad and his wife are already planning to attend; they have the mental and financial wherewithal to make all their own travel plans, pay for a hotel, rent a car, etc. They can manage the whole thing on their own. I can celebrate with them without having to supervise them.
My dilemma: How do I tell my mom this? She'll feel terrible about it. She'll be so sad! And I understand why she would! It's unfair that my dad's life was more financially successful, that he found a good relationship eventually and that she never did, that he's in better physical shape, etc.
I hate every bit of this - how easy it'll be for her ex/my dad to attend; how guilty I feel for not wanting to bend over backward to help my mom for this, her literal only chance to see a grandchild graduate. I'm the oldest kid but I'm also functionally an only child, since my sister can't appreciably help with any of this, not monetarily, not with planning, not even with bearing the psychic burden.
Am I making the right call here? If not, what should I do? If yes, how can I talk to her about this? She is a nice person and I respect her, but also I was parented in the 70s/early 80s and neither of my parents were particularly warm and neither fostered any kind of special closeness. I don't have deep, heart-to-heart convos with my mom; I never have. It's all very surface level.
I don't want to hurt her but nor do I want to sacrifice my chance to enjoy and emotionally process my own only child's graduation. Ugh, help me please.
The folks involved:
-- Me - adult woman/mom/wife.
-- My husband - older than me, starting to have serious medical issues.
-- My kid - college senior.
The maternal grandparents, who have been divorced since I was a small child:
-- My mom - early 80s, would love to see her only grandchild's college graduation. Not in great physical or intellectual shape wrt senility; can't make this journey alone and would need assistance throughout the entire process, would need assistance at the graduation itself. Among her physical issues: incontinence, so is using undergarments for that but sometimes has accidents. Has no money to speak of.
-- My dad & his wife - He's mid 80s, she's a bit younger. They're both in better shape than my mom, and they also have each other to rely on. Financially secure.
Even more elements:
-- Kid's college - all the way across the country from where we live, in a semirural, slightly hard-to-access area. You can fly directly to a nearby big city then drive 3+ hours, the last hour of which is rural. Or you can fly to a closer airport but there are no direct flights from our area, and then you have a 1-hour drive over very rural and isolated roads (no cell service for 1/2 of it). There is no train, taxi or Uber/Lyft in this area.
-- My sister: lives in that big city 3+ hours from the college. Has serious, lifelong mental health issues that cause her to lash out in anger frequently, and generally isn't pleasant to be around. Has no spare money whatsoever, doesn't have a car but can drive.
Okay so here's the issue:
My mom will want to come to the graduation. I don't want her to come because the only way to make it happen means that I will have to spend every available second managing her -- managing her travel or traveling with her, managing every step of every day that we are in the college town, managing every minute of the graduation day, her movements, her access to seating and toilet and everything else. My husband can help a little with this but he also needs assistance of his own, can't walk far distances, etc. To make the whole thing even more stressful, directly after graduation, the dorm has to be emptied. So I'll also be dealing with my kid's four years' worth of stuff, which has to be disposed of, packed, taken to shippers, etc. (Yes, some of this can be done in advance, but also he'll be in finals directly before this so I'm being realistic: there will be a lot to handle.)
I don't want to ask for any assistance from my kid with my mom; he deserves a robust celebration. I don't want to ask my sister to come and assist, because she will be unpleasant and frankly not very much help, while also requiring a ton of my emotional labor and my monetary assistance. (Please believe me when I say that her lifelong mental illness makes this un-changeable.) My husband will absolutely help to the best of his ability...and that isn't a ton because of his own current medical issues.
My dad and his wife are already planning to attend; they have the mental and financial wherewithal to make all their own travel plans, pay for a hotel, rent a car, etc. They can manage the whole thing on their own. I can celebrate with them without having to supervise them.
My dilemma: How do I tell my mom this? She'll feel terrible about it. She'll be so sad! And I understand why she would! It's unfair that my dad's life was more financially successful, that he found a good relationship eventually and that she never did, that he's in better physical shape, etc.
I hate every bit of this - how easy it'll be for her ex/my dad to attend; how guilty I feel for not wanting to bend over backward to help my mom for this, her literal only chance to see a grandchild graduate. I'm the oldest kid but I'm also functionally an only child, since my sister can't appreciably help with any of this, not monetarily, not with planning, not even with bearing the psychic burden.
Am I making the right call here? If not, what should I do? If yes, how can I talk to her about this? She is a nice person and I respect her, but also I was parented in the 70s/early 80s and neither of my parents were particularly warm and neither fostered any kind of special closeness. I don't have deep, heart-to-heart convos with my mom; I never have. It's all very surface level.
I don't want to hurt her but nor do I want to sacrifice my chance to enjoy and emotionally process my own only child's graduation. Ugh, help me please.
Much sympathy. Here are some ideas; maybe one will work.
- Will the graduation be live streamed? If it will, could you arrange for your mother to watch it? Find a local cheerleader she knows to watch it with her, maybe, and bring some snacks so it feels festive?
- If not, could you rig together a quick live stream yourself? FaceTime etc her when your son is about to cross the stage?
- Could you put together an album documenting the big event and share it with her later?
- You don’t mention your own financial situation. This is not cheap, but could you hire a caregiver to fly out with her/you and shepherd your mother through the event, including assisting her at night if needed?
- Finally, I have the spidey sense you might not have asked your mother whether she actually wants to come. She may surprise you with her realistic assessment of the situation. Also, not to be morbid but there’s a long time between now and May and even if she wants to now, she may find she has thought better of it by then.
I’m an only child with a housebound and widowed mother, so I know these feelings. For what it’s worth my grandparents were also too old to travel when I graduated college, and the distance was many fewer miles. She will not be the only grandparent who wishes she could be there and cannot. It’s okay.
posted by eirias at 12:54 PM on September 5 [18 favorites]
- Will the graduation be live streamed? If it will, could you arrange for your mother to watch it? Find a local cheerleader she knows to watch it with her, maybe, and bring some snacks so it feels festive?
- If not, could you rig together a quick live stream yourself? FaceTime etc her when your son is about to cross the stage?
- Could you put together an album documenting the big event and share it with her later?
- You don’t mention your own financial situation. This is not cheap, but could you hire a caregiver to fly out with her/you and shepherd your mother through the event, including assisting her at night if needed?
- Finally, I have the spidey sense you might not have asked your mother whether she actually wants to come. She may surprise you with her realistic assessment of the situation. Also, not to be morbid but there’s a long time between now and May and even if she wants to now, she may find she has thought better of it by then.
I’m an only child with a housebound and widowed mother, so I know these feelings. For what it’s worth my grandparents were also too old to travel when I graduated college, and the distance was many fewer miles. She will not be the only grandparent who wishes she could be there and cannot. It’s okay.
posted by eirias at 12:54 PM on September 5 [18 favorites]
Yes you are making the right call. Both you and your son want to enjoy the graduation but having her there will make this difficult as you will have to manage all of her travel and needs. It sucks and I'm sorry but I think you are making the right call. What if you and your son visit her shortly after the graduation and you do a special celebration together, like a nice dinner out?
Also graduations are long and boring and depending on the size of your son's college he may not walk across stage or anything, so she won't actually be missing much (in my opinion). He'll also be focused on hanging out with his friends and packing up his dorm etc so won't be able to spend meaningful time with her.
posted by emd3737 at 12:55 PM on September 5 [13 favorites]
Also graduations are long and boring and depending on the size of your son's college he may not walk across stage or anything, so she won't actually be missing much (in my opinion). He'll also be focused on hanging out with his friends and packing up his dorm etc so won't be able to spend meaningful time with her.
posted by emd3737 at 12:55 PM on September 5 [13 favorites]
Do you have the ability to pay for a full time carer for your mom for the few days she's traveling? Is it the kind of thing you'd look back on and feel good about doing as a wonderful last gift to her and to your child? If not, would your dad be open to pitching in on something like that? As a gift you your son, to your son's grandmother? I agree with your assessment that the work is going to fall to you. And I agree that the graduate deserves to focus on his day.
Barring all that, I would shift the feelings of Big Celebration to sometime after the actual graduation and have a party someplace nearby. (It's hard to tell from your question - does your mom live near you?)
posted by cocoagirl at 12:55 PM on September 5 [19 favorites]
Barring all that, I would shift the feelings of Big Celebration to sometime after the actual graduation and have a party someplace nearby. (It's hard to tell from your question - does your mom live near you?)
posted by cocoagirl at 12:55 PM on September 5 [19 favorites]
I've never been on this situation so take what I say with a grain of salt.
Has your mom actually said recently she wants to come to the graduation, or are you assuming she will say this? If the former, is she aware of the amount of travel this involves? If yes, is she willing to do that/is she expecting you to help her the entire time/is she unrealistic or in denial about being able to travel?
It's already been suggested, but can you have a video call with her and she watches at home? If she needs tech help, maybe have someone watch with her and set it up? Can you take really good video of the ceremony or even hire someone to do that if you can't? And then have a viewing party at home. Otherwise if she is dead set on coming either tell her no, or hire someone to accompany her and take care of all her medical and health needs on the trip.
posted by foxjacket at 12:58 PM on September 5 [1 favorite]
Has your mom actually said recently she wants to come to the graduation, or are you assuming she will say this? If the former, is she aware of the amount of travel this involves? If yes, is she willing to do that/is she expecting you to help her the entire time/is she unrealistic or in denial about being able to travel?
It's already been suggested, but can you have a video call with her and she watches at home? If she needs tech help, maybe have someone watch with her and set it up? Can you take really good video of the ceremony or even hire someone to do that if you can't? And then have a viewing party at home. Otherwise if she is dead set on coming either tell her no, or hire someone to accompany her and take care of all her medical and health needs on the trip.
posted by foxjacket at 12:58 PM on September 5 [1 favorite]
>It's unfair that my dad's life was more financially successful, that he found a good relationship eventually and that she never did, that he's in better physical shape, etc.
Also to this point - has she expressed this like "I'm sad that I can't go because that means my ex had it better than me post-divorce and this is my chance to prove that I can keep up with him" or something? Because this is what this sounds like. My point is, is this coming from you or her? Is she doing the comparing with her ex's life and being in competition with him? Because having her go to the graduation is not going to prove anything, won't make anything better and would be a huge burden on you, even if you pay someone to accompany her. Maybe that's a separate convo to have with her (despite your upbringing) but the graduation is separate from being in competition with your dad (if that is indeed what's going on).
posted by foxjacket at 1:08 PM on September 5 [1 favorite]
Also to this point - has she expressed this like "I'm sad that I can't go because that means my ex had it better than me post-divorce and this is my chance to prove that I can keep up with him" or something? Because this is what this sounds like. My point is, is this coming from you or her? Is she doing the comparing with her ex's life and being in competition with him? Because having her go to the graduation is not going to prove anything, won't make anything better and would be a huge burden on you, even if you pay someone to accompany her. Maybe that's a separate convo to have with her (despite your upbringing) but the graduation is separate from being in competition with your dad (if that is indeed what's going on).
posted by foxjacket at 1:08 PM on September 5 [1 favorite]
Similar to cocoagirl, I wonder if your dad and stepmom might be willing to help, assuming they are on relatively good terms at this point. If that's not an option, then yes, a local party or if you have the means, maybe a family vacation somewhere to celebrate?
posted by coffeecat at 1:10 PM on September 5 [1 favorite]
posted by coffeecat at 1:10 PM on September 5 [1 favorite]
Seconding the anecdote that there may only be a certain number of tickets available in the first place, and so neither your mother OR your father would be able to attend anyway, and it'd be just you and your husband who'd be able to attend in the first place. That was the case for my own graduation.
In fact, if you haven't already checked that first, I'd do so - then you'd have a ready-made "bad guy" you can point to ("sorry, Mom, but they only gave us two tickets and Dad isn't even able to go either, yeah I know it sucks but the school's really strict").
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:10 PM on September 5 [13 favorites]
In fact, if you haven't already checked that first, I'd do so - then you'd have a ready-made "bad guy" you can point to ("sorry, Mom, but they only gave us two tickets and Dad isn't even able to go either, yeah I know it sucks but the school's really strict").
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:10 PM on September 5 [13 favorites]
"Mom, it won't be possible for you to attend Son's graduation in person. We can set you up with the live stream or I can Facetime you during the relevant parts, but in person is not going to be a choice." Now, when she asks why, you can come up with any reason that you feel comfortable going into. If you feel okay telling her that you will not be able to help her in any way, including financially, do that. If the school offers unlimited seating for families but you feel okay telling her the opposite, do that. But just keep repeating "It won't be possible." She's probably going to be mad/upset/sad, etc. but you cannot control someone else's reaction to your boundaries. And yes, it is absolutely fine for you to have this boundary. Your mother is not owed this event.
posted by cooker girl at 1:12 PM on September 5 [5 favorites]
posted by cooker girl at 1:12 PM on September 5 [5 favorites]
Is it really important to you to go to the graduation? I know when I graduated from college the ceremony seemed sort of pointless to me and not worth having my parents travel for. I didn't bother to go to it. If you and your kid would be just as happy with a graduation party for family after he gets home, you could tell your mother you're not going because it's too far and it's not important to your kid and that the real occasion will be the party at your house. Possibly, depending on how you feel about total honesty and how aware your mom is of your activities, you could tell her this even if you are actually going to graduation. If he really needs help packing up his stuff and getting it home, maybe your dad could help. Or maybe you could fly out just to do that and not even go to graduation (or at least tell your mom that was your plan.)
Even if tickets are not limited, if I were in your situation I would feel fine about telling her that they are, so only you and your husband can go. (As long as she won't find out that your father went.)
If none of those options work for you, I think I'd talk about how very difficult and unpleasant the trip would be for her - the walking, the driving, the uncomfortable seating, all the airport hassles, etc. etc. Tell her you know she would be miserable and you can't put her through that. And also minimize the significance of the ceremony. Tell her it will be a boring, impersonal ceremony for a huge group of people that's not even important to your kid and you're mainly going just to help him pack up his stuff and that what he's really looking forward to is the family party you're going to have once he's back.
posted by Redstart at 1:15 PM on September 5 [7 favorites]
Even if tickets are not limited, if I were in your situation I would feel fine about telling her that they are, so only you and your husband can go. (As long as she won't find out that your father went.)
If none of those options work for you, I think I'd talk about how very difficult and unpleasant the trip would be for her - the walking, the driving, the uncomfortable seating, all the airport hassles, etc. etc. Tell her you know she would be miserable and you can't put her through that. And also minimize the significance of the ceremony. Tell her it will be a boring, impersonal ceremony for a huge group of people that's not even important to your kid and you're mainly going just to help him pack up his stuff and that what he's really looking forward to is the family party you're going to have once he's back.
posted by Redstart at 1:15 PM on September 5 [7 favorites]
If there's no way to enable her to come, and she truly wishes she could, is there any chance you could throw a (small?) graduation party for him in your home town, maybe even at her place? Is that something that might fill that need for her? In addition to some live-action zooming, some recorded videos before/after the graduation of her grandson directly giving her his love, etc. I don't know her or her feelings, obviously, but I think in her place two things would make me sad: not being able to be there for him and do that kind of stuff anymore, and feeling lonely/left out/not included. The second one, there are a lot of ways to do things about.
Long-shot alternative: if indeed this is an open-access graduation or you just got a ton of tickets, and you can't afford a carer and your dad can't or won't step up, do you have a good friend who might be willing to help, or does your son have any other aunts/uncles/cousins who might be happy to come and lend a hand?
I'll also echo Redstart and say that I'm not even 100% certain if my family made it to my actual graduation, or if they just came a bit later to help me move back home. And if they hadn't been able to, I probably would have been fine with that. It sounds like graduation is a much bigger deal and family event in your family than in mine, but if it isn't - especially to your son - don't feel like it has to be.
That said - congratulations!
posted by trig at 1:26 PM on September 5 [1 favorite]
Long-shot alternative: if indeed this is an open-access graduation or you just got a ton of tickets, and you can't afford a carer and your dad can't or won't step up, do you have a good friend who might be willing to help, or does your son have any other aunts/uncles/cousins who might be happy to come and lend a hand?
I'll also echo Redstart and say that I'm not even 100% certain if my family made it to my actual graduation, or if they just came a bit later to help me move back home. And if they hadn't been able to, I probably would have been fine with that. It sounds like graduation is a much bigger deal and family event in your family than in mine, but if it isn't - especially to your son - don't feel like it has to be.
That said - congratulations!
posted by trig at 1:26 PM on September 5 [1 favorite]
Unless I’m misunderstanding, at no point do you say you can’t have her come; you say you don’t want her to come. So if she sincerely wants to come, I would just do it.
posted by transient at 1:37 PM on September 5
posted by transient at 1:37 PM on September 5
It sounds like the logistics of the poster are too difficult for them to handle: very handicapped mother needing tons of assistance over long rural distances, plus ill husband, plus can't get anyone else to help with any of that.
Also graduations are long and boring and depending on the size of your son's college he may not walk across stage or anything,
Yeah, this. Hell, you can whip out a phone and film the 15 seconds that your kid walks across the stage for her and that's all you need. Not the boring speakers, none of the names dragging on for three hours.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:44 PM on September 5 [2 favorites]
Also graduations are long and boring and depending on the size of your son's college he may not walk across stage or anything,
Yeah, this. Hell, you can whip out a phone and film the 15 seconds that your kid walks across the stage for her and that's all you need. Not the boring speakers, none of the names dragging on for three hours.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:44 PM on September 5 [2 favorites]
If it turns out that your mother expresses a desire to physically attend the graduation:
posted by slkinsey at 1:48 PM on September 5 [17 favorites]
"Mom, there's just no way we can make this work. It's a long flight, the campus is a multiple-hour drive away from the nearest airports, finding you appropriate seating at the ceremony will be difficult at best, and Junior is going to have to pack up his whole apartment right after graduation. I'll have a million things to do, not to mention taking care of my husband who can't get around very well any more, and I won't be available to give you the kind of attention and care you'd need. It wouldn't be safe, you'd be miserable, and we'd all be miserable worrying about you. I know it's disappointing, but it's just not possible. Why don't we . . ."There's no need it to even come up in conversation that your father will attend. Also, for what it's worth, my grandmother was frail and in her 90s when I graduated college, but wasn't dealing with all the things affecting your mother. There was no question that she would not attend my graduation.
posted by slkinsey at 1:48 PM on September 5 [17 favorites]
My family hired a professional to fly with my schizophrenic uncle to a wedding, stay in his hotel room and do all the medical and management stuff. It worked pretty well, although Uncle Alan is mostly just fifty years out of date with things like flying and is easily overwhelmed, and less medically fragile. It might be worth looking into just so you can reassure yourself you looked into it.
posted by restless_nomad at 1:51 PM on September 5 [3 favorites]
posted by restless_nomad at 1:51 PM on September 5 [3 favorites]
Does your kid want any of their grandparents there?
I was the kid in a somewhat similar situation several moons ago (graduating from a college that was inconvenient to get to, with a graduation ceremony that took place outdoors in the early summer heat, with an old and infirm grandmother who would have needed a ton of assistance to be there) and, like, I loved my grandmother, but I did not want her there. It would have been really hard on her, difficult for my parents, and frankly unpleasant for me. We had a nice graduation luncheon near her home a few weeks afterwards and celebrated and looked at photos.
If you posted this looking for permission to tell your mom no, it is more than granted.
posted by telegraph at 1:52 PM on September 5 [9 favorites]
I was the kid in a somewhat similar situation several moons ago (graduating from a college that was inconvenient to get to, with a graduation ceremony that took place outdoors in the early summer heat, with an old and infirm grandmother who would have needed a ton of assistance to be there) and, like, I loved my grandmother, but I did not want her there. It would have been really hard on her, difficult for my parents, and frankly unpleasant for me. We had a nice graduation luncheon near her home a few weeks afterwards and celebrated and looked at photos.
If you posted this looking for permission to tell your mom no, it is more than granted.
posted by telegraph at 1:52 PM on September 5 [9 favorites]
You get two tickets*, you and your husband are going. Everyone else attends remotely and there will be a graduation party when you get back home that you all can look forward to.
*unless you really do get more and your son feels strongly he wants his grandparents there. In that case, your father and his wife are clearly able to attend at their own expense and under their own steam.
Your mother is no longer able to travel outside her local area without a full time carer travelling with her. If she isn’t there yet, does she have a pastor/friends/doctor who may be able to help talk to her? Her doctor saying she should not travel may be easier to accept.
Then focus on figuring out if she can attend remotely and plan the graduation party so she has things that celebrate the milestone that she can look forward to.
posted by koahiatamadl at 1:56 PM on September 5 [6 favorites]
*unless you really do get more and your son feels strongly he wants his grandparents there. In that case, your father and his wife are clearly able to attend at their own expense and under their own steam.
Your mother is no longer able to travel outside her local area without a full time carer travelling with her. If she isn’t there yet, does she have a pastor/friends/doctor who may be able to help talk to her? Her doctor saying she should not travel may be easier to accept.
Then focus on figuring out if she can attend remotely and plan the graduation party so she has things that celebrate the milestone that she can look forward to.
posted by koahiatamadl at 1:56 PM on September 5 [6 favorites]
I was in a very similar situation when my daughter graduated from college. However, my parent was already living in an assisted living facility, and we hired one of the nursing assistants to fly with my parent, stay in the hotel room with them, help them dress and attend the event with them, and fly back with them afterwards. It worked out beautifully. My parent was able to enjoy being there and we were free from hands on care. If it's affordable, perhaps you could work out something similar.
posted by MelissaSimon at 2:02 PM on September 5 [2 favorites]
posted by MelissaSimon at 2:02 PM on September 5 [2 favorites]
Just to be clear, is this a typical graduation happening in May?
posted by trig at 2:02 PM on September 5 [1 favorite]
posted by trig at 2:02 PM on September 5 [1 favorite]
Years ago, but when I graduated there honestly was a lot of waiting around for very little payoff for the people who came. It was in Davis CA and was hot as hell, and every restaurant in town was booked months in advance, so we really didn't hang out afterward. I'm glad they were there, but a party later on would have meant more socialization with my family.
posted by oneirodynia at 2:22 PM on September 5 [3 favorites]
posted by oneirodynia at 2:22 PM on September 5 [3 favorites]
My mom is still independent, but at the same age, since she wanted to be more capable, she upped her physical activity in the pool, which helped EVERYTHING. Her mileage may vary. Could she improve, if motivated? My nephew’s out of state wedding has my mom at water aerobics almost daily. We also insisted that she get an MVA parking placard when she did not want to wait while we parked the car so she could have more energy/ actual steps at what we were attending.
For attending graduation-first, do the research. Are there limited tickets? Overflow seating is essentially watching the livestream. Most people are more comfortable at home, and she could have others with her. Others have pointed this out-is it you, or her, that is worried? How is she with mobility generally? Could she be relieved that she doesn’t have to handle so much travel? How is she with local travel? With hiring an aide, how is she with new people?
Focus on the difficulty of helping your son move home-it’s a real challenge. Could you have a party for the grad after everything campus based is done? Could you re-direct her toward that?
Does she have to know that her ex attended? Solo and immediate family candid photos are good. Don’t facilitate comparison. If she brings it up, redirect the conversation toward her. Ask her how she’s feeling, if she’s looking forward to seeing her grandson in [month].
posted by childofTethys at 2:22 PM on September 5 [1 favorite]
For attending graduation-first, do the research. Are there limited tickets? Overflow seating is essentially watching the livestream. Most people are more comfortable at home, and she could have others with her. Others have pointed this out-is it you, or her, that is worried? How is she with mobility generally? Could she be relieved that she doesn’t have to handle so much travel? How is she with local travel? With hiring an aide, how is she with new people?
Focus on the difficulty of helping your son move home-it’s a real challenge. Could you have a party for the grad after everything campus based is done? Could you re-direct her toward that?
Does she have to know that her ex attended? Solo and immediate family candid photos are good. Don’t facilitate comparison. If she brings it up, redirect the conversation toward her. Ask her how she’s feeling, if she’s looking forward to seeing her grandson in [month].
posted by childofTethys at 2:22 PM on September 5 [1 favorite]
when I graduated there honestly was a lot of waiting around for very little payoff for the people who came.
This is exactly why graduations kinda suck. I've lost track of how many I've been to, 20something, (used to have to go for work) and I am happy as heck I probably won't have to go to any again until my cousin's kids hit 18-22.
Does the campus offer a livestream of graduation? Sometimes those happen, even now.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:47 PM on September 5 [1 favorite]
This is exactly why graduations kinda suck. I've lost track of how many I've been to, 20something, (used to have to go for work) and I am happy as heck I probably won't have to go to any again until my cousin's kids hit 18-22.
Does the campus offer a livestream of graduation? Sometimes those happen, even now.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:47 PM on September 5 [1 favorite]
When I graduated from college those many years ago, my grandfather - the one grandparent I actually wanted there - was in no shape to make the journey. And I was - absolutely fine with it. As the graduate I only wanted people there who were able to really celebrate with me and not just be there to check a box.
Since so many graduations are now live streamed, she has a perfect opportunity to see the event and maybe you can have a quieter celebration with the graduate and grandmother soon after?
posted by tafetta, darling! at 3:57 PM on September 5 [1 favorite]
Since so many graduations are now live streamed, she has a perfect opportunity to see the event and maybe you can have a quieter celebration with the graduate and grandmother soon after?
posted by tafetta, darling! at 3:57 PM on September 5 [1 favorite]
Another vote here of graduation ceremonies suck. It’s a bunch of waiting around, bad audio projection, enduring very dull speeches and many people you don’t know in regalia you don’t understand. Unless your kid is valedictorian the only thing he will be doing is sitting for a long time and then standing in a line and walking past a college person your family will not know and getting maybe a handshake and probably a piece of paper that you can’t see from where you are sitting. Sometimes graduation ceremonies are better but they are few and far between.
If I were your mom with all her challenges around travel, I would be relieved not to be asked to endure all of that just to sit for a few hours somewhere being confused and squinting to determine which dot is my grandchild. Take lots of pictures and video and find a recording of the livestream if there is one and set aside time to visit her later and have a watch party/picture explanation in the comfort of her own space. Technology is grand!
posted by Mizu at 4:25 PM on September 5 [6 favorites]
If I were your mom with all her challenges around travel, I would be relieved not to be asked to endure all of that just to sit for a few hours somewhere being confused and squinting to determine which dot is my grandchild. Take lots of pictures and video and find a recording of the livestream if there is one and set aside time to visit her later and have a watch party/picture explanation in the comfort of her own space. Technology is grand!
posted by Mizu at 4:25 PM on September 5 [6 favorites]
Full disclosure: I skipped all 3 of my post-high-school graduations, because the ceremony wasn't the point and I had better things to do. I also dealt with the logistics of my cross-country move on my own, though it sounds like y'all have a more hand-holding family relationship than I did at that age.
What does your son want? Does he value the ceremony? Is having family there meaningful to him? Does he have a relationship with his grandmother such that he really wants her to come? Can you throw money at the problem, or is your own travel already painfully expensive? I wouldn't even consider facilitating your mother's attendance at the ceremony unless your son was very clear that he valued that, and even then, I think it sounds like an overwhelming and expensive hassle that will make the whole experience worse for everybody, including grandmom.
Off-the-wall idea: If you offered to gift him the money that it'd take for you and your husband to attend, would he prefer that? He could probably turn it into (for example) a several-week international backpacking vacation, and if you're not attending graduation, that's a pretty rock-solid excuse to not deal with grandmom's travel.
posted by Metasyntactic at 4:57 PM on September 5 [2 favorites]
What does your son want? Does he value the ceremony? Is having family there meaningful to him? Does he have a relationship with his grandmother such that he really wants her to come? Can you throw money at the problem, or is your own travel already painfully expensive? I wouldn't even consider facilitating your mother's attendance at the ceremony unless your son was very clear that he valued that, and even then, I think it sounds like an overwhelming and expensive hassle that will make the whole experience worse for everybody, including grandmom.
Off-the-wall idea: If you offered to gift him the money that it'd take for you and your husband to attend, would he prefer that? He could probably turn it into (for example) a several-week international backpacking vacation, and if you're not attending graduation, that's a pretty rock-solid excuse to not deal with grandmom's travel.
posted by Metasyntactic at 4:57 PM on September 5 [2 favorites]
"Sorry Mom, the ceremony and other events at the college are not at all accessible, so you won't be able to attend. Yes it is terrible in this day and age but what can ya do? We'll be sure to FaceTime you on the day and then we'll have a great graduation lunch at [fancy restaurant she loves] so you can see all the photos and videos."
posted by rpfields at 6:15 PM on September 5 [4 favorites]
posted by rpfields at 6:15 PM on September 5 [4 favorites]
Does your son have a trusted friend on campus that might like to make $100 to be the granny ‘wrangler’ for the day? That would eliminate the cost of their travel, they are already familiar with the campus, know where facilities are, etc. Introduce them by FaceTime several weeks before so that the wrangler is somewhat familiar then have them join you for a family dinner the night before the ceremony. Personally, I would try to dissuade her from coming but if it’s unavoidable, a friendly, granny wrangler might be your best bet.
posted by pearlybob at 2:59 AM on September 6
posted by pearlybob at 2:59 AM on September 6
If tickets aren't limited, and if she insists on attending, and if you can afford to throw money at the problem, then you could hire someone from a "traveling caregiver" service like this:
https://www.firstlighthomecare.com/home-care-services/specialty-care/travel-companion/
posted by Jacqueline at 5:48 AM on September 6 [2 favorites]
https://www.firstlighthomecare.com/home-care-services/specialty-care/travel-companion/
posted by Jacqueline at 5:48 AM on September 6 [2 favorites]
I feel like the OP is asking for advice on how to tell her mother that she can't come to the graduation, not ways she could bend over backwards to make it possible for her to attend. I don't see a single suggestion above that would allow her, her husband and her son to enjoy the graduation without jumping through a lot of hoops that would make it a lot less enjoyable for everyone else.
posted by slkinsey at 4:48 PM on September 6 [8 favorites]
posted by slkinsey at 4:48 PM on September 6 [8 favorites]
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If none of that pans out I think you just have to be honest and tell her you can’t do both your role as mom and as daughter. If you need permission to say no, I give it to you.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:51 PM on September 5 [13 favorites]