How to have gravitas?
September 2, 2024 10:08 PM Subscribe
How did you develop gravitas? I want to be more collected, mature, cool. I'm getting older and have a good job. Just wondering how to act like it more. Any general advice? Tips?
I think there are two parts
- You know your own worth. Not some inflated sense of self but that you know and trust your own experience so that when you encounter something new or you make a mistake you can afford to be curious because it doesn't shake your sense of self.
- You seen enough (good and bad) that you aren't shaken by other people. You can support others in their accomplishments without being afraid that it diminishes you and you can stay unflappable in the face of idiot because you know that idiots come and go and you will survive.
posted by metahawk at 11:00 PM on September 2 [11 favorites]
- You know your own worth. Not some inflated sense of self but that you know and trust your own experience so that when you encounter something new or you make a mistake you can afford to be curious because it doesn't shake your sense of self.
- You seen enough (good and bad) that you aren't shaken by other people. You can support others in their accomplishments without being afraid that it diminishes you and you can stay unflappable in the face of idiot because you know that idiots come and go and you will survive.
posted by metahawk at 11:00 PM on September 2 [11 favorites]
In so many words: take a beat. Just a short little pause for thought before responding while speaking, before agreeing to something, before asking a question. Don’t talk less / help less / ask less, just do it after a little more consideration than normal. Notice who around you does this and who doesn’t. (Great question, i struggle with this constantly and have to remind myself to take a breath before speaking. It’ll feel like you’re getting cut off more, but it’s often by people with nothing valuable to say.)
posted by supercres at 11:15 PM on September 2 [14 favorites]
posted by supercres at 11:15 PM on September 2 [14 favorites]
I can kind of turn it off and on. When I turn on the gravitas I do three main things.
One is, as mentioned above, I speak slowly and with a measured pace. If I’m reading something out loud I take care to pronounce everything with precision and give appropriate punctuation pauses and intonations. If I’m just talking I will try to speak at about half my “excited about something” speed.
Second is that I make very controlled eye contact. When I get to the important parts of what I’m saying, I deliberately make eye contact. Usually this is only for a few words, so it’s not like I’m pinning someone with an unblinking stare or anything. But when I’m not being Important Mizu I usually don’t pay attention to what I’m looking at when speaking, though I know that typically it isn’t eye contact and usually when I’m chatting with someone else I’m looking at our hands or their mouth or whatever distractions are nearby. When I’m trying to be impactful I make the conscious choice to grant and remove my eye contact when it makes sense to do so.
And the third is that I change my posture and hand gestures. Shoulders back, chin up, balanced stance. Gestures become more about arm movement through the shoulders and less about particular finger movement, they are more expansive but also less utilized. I slow the pace of my gestures to match the slowed pace of my words. If I’m sitting, I try to use the whole depth of the seat to convey solidity.
It’s easy to tip from gravitas to intimidating as hell. Because I’m short and typically present as a woman, I have a bit more leeway. But I find that the older I get the easier it is to command a room or someone’s attention by doing the same stuff I’ve always done. Don’t know if it’s cultural or just me.
One way to work on being cool and collected is to practice not knowing things. Become confident asking questions. The coolest person in the room isn’t the one who knows everything that’s going on, it’s the one who is most comfortable finding that out.
posted by Mizu at 1:58 AM on September 3 [29 favorites]
One is, as mentioned above, I speak slowly and with a measured pace. If I’m reading something out loud I take care to pronounce everything with precision and give appropriate punctuation pauses and intonations. If I’m just talking I will try to speak at about half my “excited about something” speed.
Second is that I make very controlled eye contact. When I get to the important parts of what I’m saying, I deliberately make eye contact. Usually this is only for a few words, so it’s not like I’m pinning someone with an unblinking stare or anything. But when I’m not being Important Mizu I usually don’t pay attention to what I’m looking at when speaking, though I know that typically it isn’t eye contact and usually when I’m chatting with someone else I’m looking at our hands or their mouth or whatever distractions are nearby. When I’m trying to be impactful I make the conscious choice to grant and remove my eye contact when it makes sense to do so.
And the third is that I change my posture and hand gestures. Shoulders back, chin up, balanced stance. Gestures become more about arm movement through the shoulders and less about particular finger movement, they are more expansive but also less utilized. I slow the pace of my gestures to match the slowed pace of my words. If I’m sitting, I try to use the whole depth of the seat to convey solidity.
It’s easy to tip from gravitas to intimidating as hell. Because I’m short and typically present as a woman, I have a bit more leeway. But I find that the older I get the easier it is to command a room or someone’s attention by doing the same stuff I’ve always done. Don’t know if it’s cultural or just me.
One way to work on being cool and collected is to practice not knowing things. Become confident asking questions. The coolest person in the room isn’t the one who knows everything that’s going on, it’s the one who is most comfortable finding that out.
posted by Mizu at 1:58 AM on September 3 [29 favorites]
Agree with Mizu. These three points project gravitas.
In my last job i looked after VIPs of all types, politicians, scientists, authors. The ones with an "aura" of gravitas used their voice/speech pattern, their body language and eye contact.
One of the most useful for me was voice/speech. I have a tendency to speak high pitched, breathless and fast. Counsciously lowering my voice, breathing and slowing down are all aided by an upright posture. Take a breath before responding or speaking.
posted by 15L06 at 4:27 AM on September 3 [2 favorites]
In my last job i looked after VIPs of all types, politicians, scientists, authors. The ones with an "aura" of gravitas used their voice/speech pattern, their body language and eye contact.
One of the most useful for me was voice/speech. I have a tendency to speak high pitched, breathless and fast. Counsciously lowering my voice, breathing and slowing down are all aided by an upright posture. Take a breath before responding or speaking.
posted by 15L06 at 4:27 AM on September 3 [2 favorites]
I think you can get a good way there if you have experience, skills,intelligence, and decide that you have gravitas; choose to move in that direction. I taught adults for a while, did not think I had it, but you walk into a classroom as teacher and you're expected to be in charge. People see it because you have the role. Don't be self-deprecating, or allow people to use 'joking' putdowns, which are usually microaggressions. Stare and don't laugh at those poeple, and don't engage in it.
Trying to hard makes people stodgy and inflexible. Asking the question suggests you could be trying a bit hard. Relax. Wear it like your favorite shirt. You probably already have more than you think.
posted by theora55 at 6:32 AM on September 3 [1 favorite]
Trying to hard makes people stodgy and inflexible. Asking the question suggests you could be trying a bit hard. Relax. Wear it like your favorite shirt. You probably already have more than you think.
posted by theora55 at 6:32 AM on September 3 [1 favorite]
In addition to what others have said - listen while people are talking. Be curious about what they're saying, what they want, beyond just what they want from you.
posted by vitabellosi at 6:54 AM on September 3 [1 favorite]
posted by vitabellosi at 6:54 AM on September 3 [1 favorite]
The one little thing that helped me sounds kinda crazy, but practice in front of the mirror”. I’m old and retired now, but when I first began my career I was a young and attractive woman in the seventies, and it was very hard to be taken seriously. I practiced my speech patterns in the car, and my facial expressions in front of a mirror. Not constantly, but especially when there was some big issue to deal with.
posted by raisingsand at 7:00 AM on September 3 [3 favorites]
posted by raisingsand at 7:00 AM on September 3 [3 favorites]
I had someone tell me that they take note when I talk in meetings, especially large meetings, because in their words, when I speak up it is always on point, accurate and meaningful to everyone.
posted by mmascolino at 7:42 AM on September 3 [4 favorites]
posted by mmascolino at 7:42 AM on September 3 [4 favorites]
Gravitas is one way of accruing respect. Another is graciousness. "getting older and have a good job" gives you the outward trappings of power. If you pay proper attention to those "under you", especially when speaking to them, you'll gain their respect. Don't, like my old head of department, constantly look over their shoulder in case someone more worthy of attention flits into view. I was at A Lunch with an ambassador two weeks ago. That's pretty Gravitas: he and his wife were amazing to watch working the room: being interested, remembering names, asking astute questions, waiting for the answers. But, dang!, if she couldn't stop herself from flicking the gaze around the room in search of a better use of her time.
A beard might work?? According to my Da, the ancient kings and queens of Assyria sported ex officio neatly trimmed facial hair. A hook-on beard was employed for those whose testosterone titre was below the necessary to stimulate the relevant follicles.
posted by BobTheScientist at 7:47 AM on September 3 [2 favorites]
A beard might work?? According to my Da, the ancient kings and queens of Assyria sported ex officio neatly trimmed facial hair. A hook-on beard was employed for those whose testosterone titre was below the necessary to stimulate the relevant follicles.
posted by BobTheScientist at 7:47 AM on September 3 [2 favorites]
I went to a training session delivered by an actor once, and he had the following things to say about establishing authority:
- Speak from your chest, not your head. Speak slowly, when you need to.
- Pay attention to your feet - are they grounded on the floor? Sometimes people lean forward or backwards, or stand on the tips of their toes or their heels. Rooting your feet firmly to the ground will make you feel more grounded and confident.
posted by unicorn chaser at 8:26 AM on September 3 [2 favorites]
- Speak from your chest, not your head. Speak slowly, when you need to.
- Pay attention to your feet - are they grounded on the floor? Sometimes people lean forward or backwards, or stand on the tips of their toes or their heels. Rooting your feet firmly to the ground will make you feel more grounded and confident.
posted by unicorn chaser at 8:26 AM on September 3 [2 favorites]
Don't be self-deprecating
I disagree. The trick is to be self-deprecating about your obvious strengths (which makes you look confident and humble) as opposed to your weaknesses (which makes you look self-conscious).
posted by leotrotsky at 8:59 AM on September 3 [7 favorites]
I disagree. The trick is to be self-deprecating about your obvious strengths (which makes you look confident and humble) as opposed to your weaknesses (which makes you look self-conscious).
posted by leotrotsky at 8:59 AM on September 3 [7 favorites]
Lots of good suggestions here, including a couple about dress. Clothing can be a very tricky subject to navigate especially with many institutions and events abandoning dress codes, leading to some confusion and uncertainty over how best to dress.
I was once given some advice on how clothing can be used to project seriousness: you should try to dress purposely and soberly to signal you've put some thought into your appearance and what type of event you are attending. This may mean a suit and tie. It may mean jeans and a tucked in button down shirt. It may mean a golf outfit. As I get older, it gets a little easier to guess what would be appropriate wear, but I'm not above just calling event organizers and saying, "am I going to stick out like a sore thumb if I wear this outfit at your event?"
Also, this goes without saying, but your clothes should be clean, pressed, and fit you properly.
Finally, you should never let your clothes be the first thing people notice about you, but if you have to err, be slightly overdressed rather than underdressed.
posted by fortitude25 at 9:17 AM on September 3 [1 favorite]
I was once given some advice on how clothing can be used to project seriousness: you should try to dress purposely and soberly to signal you've put some thought into your appearance and what type of event you are attending. This may mean a suit and tie. It may mean jeans and a tucked in button down shirt. It may mean a golf outfit. As I get older, it gets a little easier to guess what would be appropriate wear, but I'm not above just calling event organizers and saying, "am I going to stick out like a sore thumb if I wear this outfit at your event?"
Also, this goes without saying, but your clothes should be clean, pressed, and fit you properly.
Finally, you should never let your clothes be the first thing people notice about you, but if you have to err, be slightly overdressed rather than underdressed.
posted by fortitude25 at 9:17 AM on September 3 [1 favorite]
Be aware that obviously intentional performances of gravitas, like speaking in a deeper voice than is natural for you, come off as an odd mimicry of authority in the absence of real expertise, a la Elizabeth Holmes.
Bragging about your accomplishments erodes gravitas, as does bashfully denying them.
To me, gravitas comes from anxiously filling conversational silences, nor rushing in to cover up other people's anxieties. The people I know with convincing gravitas are clearly present in the situation, speak to contribute but don't feel the need to control the conversation.
Of course, they need to have actual authority and knowledge for this to work. One can't fake that.
posted by Tim Bucktooth at 11:18 AM on September 3
Bragging about your accomplishments erodes gravitas, as does bashfully denying them.
To me, gravitas comes from anxiously filling conversational silences, nor rushing in to cover up other people's anxieties. The people I know with convincing gravitas are clearly present in the situation, speak to contribute but don't feel the need to control the conversation.
Of course, they need to have actual authority and knowledge for this to work. One can't fake that.
posted by Tim Bucktooth at 11:18 AM on September 3
I wear my beret in this non hat appreciating city. I have the right frame, height for it. And I often start a convo about something I know a lot about, and perhaps the listener doesn't, like art history, or the Fauvist movement. Most people enjoy my little talk, others can't wait to escape.
posted by Czjewel at 12:20 PM on September 3 [3 favorites]
posted by Czjewel at 12:20 PM on September 3 [3 favorites]
In addition to all the great advice already given, here's a few things:
- A conversation is not a thing you need to win. It's a dialogue in which you should attempt to learn as much as you impart, if not more.
- The harder you try, the more it looks like you're trying. Don't try so hard.
- "Gravitas" is not necessary 24/7. Sometimes, it's OK to be light, funny, charming. In that vein...
- ...know how to read a room. When you're in a group, be the most hesitant to speak; notice what others are saying and how they say it, and react accordingly. Inject yourself sparingly, and again, it's not a race to finish first in the chat. Just go with the rhythm and tone of the conversation, be additive when you have something to add, and don't feel like you need to be additive just for the sake of it.
Basically, just ask more than you assume. Wonder more than you assert. Learn from people more than you lecture them. Do that, and whatever you feel that "gravitas" is will mostly take care of itself.
posted by pdb at 2:43 PM on September 3 [1 favorite]
- A conversation is not a thing you need to win. It's a dialogue in which you should attempt to learn as much as you impart, if not more.
- The harder you try, the more it looks like you're trying. Don't try so hard.
- "Gravitas" is not necessary 24/7. Sometimes, it's OK to be light, funny, charming. In that vein...
- ...know how to read a room. When you're in a group, be the most hesitant to speak; notice what others are saying and how they say it, and react accordingly. Inject yourself sparingly, and again, it's not a race to finish first in the chat. Just go with the rhythm and tone of the conversation, be additive when you have something to add, and don't feel like you need to be additive just for the sake of it.
Basically, just ask more than you assume. Wonder more than you assert. Learn from people more than you lecture them. Do that, and whatever you feel that "gravitas" is will mostly take care of itself.
posted by pdb at 2:43 PM on September 3 [1 favorite]
I am a pretty energetic and expressive person, so seconding the advice that taking a beat or pausing before responding is a huge part of this. When I feel like I have mastered the art of gravitas it always involves slowing down, pausing, taking time to make it clear I need a moment to collect my thoughts - not because I’m overwhelmed but because that’s my process.
posted by mostly vowels at 2:58 PM on September 3
posted by mostly vowels at 2:58 PM on September 3
Internally you are talking about Presence.
Presence is many things, such as being comfortable with what you feel and what you want.
It’s also moving your energy down from your head space to chest space or root chakra. Meditation helps with this.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:19 PM on September 3
Presence is many things, such as being comfortable with what you feel and what you want.
It’s also moving your energy down from your head space to chest space or root chakra. Meditation helps with this.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:19 PM on September 3
+1 standing with both of your feet rooted (grounded); not with a hip tipped to the side or anything. “Stand tall like tree”
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:21 PM on September 3 [1 favorite]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:21 PM on September 3 [1 favorite]
I naturally lean towards being a self-deprecating goofball chatterbox in my day-to-day life... but work as a litigator arguing in court regularly for some reason. Needless to say gravitas has been a skill I've been working to cultivate my whole career.
I was all ready to jump in with my own original two cents, but to be honest supercres and Mizu took my best advice. When I switch on the gravitas, I do exactly what they suggest:
1. Take a beat before answering/responding. A puppy-like eagerness to jump in projects the opposite of gravitas, and implies that you aren't listening/considering and just want to speak. Active listening (slight nodding, eye contact) also enhances this aura.
2. Speak slowly, for same reason as above. Speak slower than your brain is thinking, so you don't get "umms" or other words that imply your words are ahead of your thoughts. Again, that sense that someone is overeager to get their thoughts out is the opposite of gravitas.
3. Controlled eye contact and posture. I talk with my hands, so I've developed the habit of gripping the podium, and only raising a hand on my most important points. You want to be thinking 'solid', as opposed to 'overboiled spaghetti in a wind tunnel' (aka my usual gesticulation style).
The only thing I will add is that – separate from presentation – the most important substantive element of gravitas in my opinion is absolutely avoiding the appearance of weaselling. Answer the damn question! People can tell when someone is trying not to answer a question or trying to squirm out of admitting something obviously bad for them, and it undermines any sense of gravitas they might otherwise project. If you know it's true, and everyone else knows it's true, you can still explain the circumstances, but starting with "Correct. However...." projects authority and confidence in a way that "Well......." never does.
posted by ordinary_magnet at 6:53 PM on September 3 [2 favorites]
I was all ready to jump in with my own original two cents, but to be honest supercres and Mizu took my best advice. When I switch on the gravitas, I do exactly what they suggest:
1. Take a beat before answering/responding. A puppy-like eagerness to jump in projects the opposite of gravitas, and implies that you aren't listening/considering and just want to speak. Active listening (slight nodding, eye contact) also enhances this aura.
2. Speak slowly, for same reason as above. Speak slower than your brain is thinking, so you don't get "umms" or other words that imply your words are ahead of your thoughts. Again, that sense that someone is overeager to get their thoughts out is the opposite of gravitas.
3. Controlled eye contact and posture. I talk with my hands, so I've developed the habit of gripping the podium, and only raising a hand on my most important points. You want to be thinking 'solid', as opposed to 'overboiled spaghetti in a wind tunnel' (aka my usual gesticulation style).
The only thing I will add is that – separate from presentation – the most important substantive element of gravitas in my opinion is absolutely avoiding the appearance of weaselling. Answer the damn question! People can tell when someone is trying not to answer a question or trying to squirm out of admitting something obviously bad for them, and it undermines any sense of gravitas they might otherwise project. If you know it's true, and everyone else knows it's true, you can still explain the circumstances, but starting with "Correct. However...." projects authority and confidence in a way that "Well......." never does.
posted by ordinary_magnet at 6:53 PM on September 3 [2 favorites]
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Watching high-status TV shows like The Crown or real footage of the royal bloodline (not the ones who married into the family- watch the older ones who were bred into the monarchy like Charles, Anne or Elizabeth!) But they're all presented as pretty mean people, too. And there are some non-monarchy modern very poised people - Barack Obama is pretty unflappable, Uma Thurman, Angelina Jolie, Amal Clooney, Beyonce if you watch her documentaries, Serena Williams in press conferences, Nicole Kidman. A lot of Oscar-calibre dramatic actors are pretty poised. TED Talks are usually pretty collected as well.
But the another thing to consider is that gravitas kind of sucks, is it really that great to be intimidating? It's often got an air of being pretty classist too.
So you could consider just connecting deeply to your life purpose and be passionate about it instead! Most people like passion and authenticity more than gravitas anyway!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 10:27 PM on September 2 [16 favorites]