How did you become less hard on yourself?
August 20, 2024 4:37 PM Subscribe
Seeing you criticize yourself for mistakes/not being enough/etc., family, friends, and acquaintances used to tell you "Don't be so hard on yourself." And now you aren't. How did you make that change?
I'm interested in knowing how you identified what was driving that critical internal voice, and what specific strategies you used to change it, and how you used them in a stressful moment when it would have been easier to beat yourself up. What made you decide to be kinder to yourself? (And yes, I have seen this excellent FPP on self-compassion.)
I'm interested in knowing how you identified what was driving that critical internal voice, and what specific strategies you used to change it, and how you used them in a stressful moment when it would have been easier to beat yourself up. What made you decide to be kinder to yourself? (And yes, I have seen this excellent FPP on self-compassion.)
When I start the negative self thinking I talk to myself and go yes you made a mistake, but you fixed it, or yes I was wrong ten years ago, but I'm trying to be better about it today and slowly over time I've noticed a lot less time spent cringing over things I've done wrong.
posted by Art_Pot at 5:44 PM on August 20 [8 favorites]
posted by Art_Pot at 5:44 PM on August 20 [8 favorites]
I was in therapy rambling about myself and my therapist pointed out that I was being really harsh with myself. I was ready to dismiss that. But then he said “This is hard for me to hear.” It clicked. I mean that was more than 10 years ago and I’m still working on it, but that’s when I really realized that the way I talk/think about myself might be worth my attention. I don’t know why. I think I was able to connect it to the times when I felt uncomfortable with someone else’s self-negativity.
Probably my main tool is comparing the way I treat myself vs my friends.
posted by bunderful at 6:33 PM on August 20 [11 favorites]
Probably my main tool is comparing the way I treat myself vs my friends.
posted by bunderful at 6:33 PM on August 20 [11 favorites]
I notice that this gets SIGNIFICANTLY better for me when I do a better job of giving others the benefit of the doubt (and gets worse when I don't). One of the worst parts of messing up for me is the shame and feeling like others will judge me harshly. Being more understanding to others helps me be more understanding to myself as well (possibly from projecting or assuming that other people have the same sort of outlook/attitudes that I do).
posted by Eyelash at 6:33 PM on August 20 [11 favorites]
posted by Eyelash at 6:33 PM on August 20 [11 favorites]
What made you decide to be kinder to yourself?
time. that's the quickest answer. it's certainly complicated though. i'm far less critical of my friends than i am of myself. i try to treat myself as a friend, as recommended in the link. when that doesn't work, one idea a therapist told me once helps: look at the situation from 1000 feet above
1000 feet works on multiple levels. there's thankfully the reality that whatever foolish thing i said or didn't say doesn't matter from that distance. also, there's the reflection that "hey, there's a lot of interesting things going on in the world"
posted by HearHere at 7:18 PM on August 20 [2 favorites]
time. that's the quickest answer. it's certainly complicated though. i'm far less critical of my friends than i am of myself. i try to treat myself as a friend, as recommended in the link. when that doesn't work, one idea a therapist told me once helps: look at the situation from 1000 feet above
1000 feet works on multiple levels. there's thankfully the reality that whatever foolish thing i said or didn't say doesn't matter from that distance. also, there's the reflection that "hey, there's a lot of interesting things going on in the world"
posted by HearHere at 7:18 PM on August 20 [2 favorites]
I shrunk my circle down pretty significantly to only the truest and most supportive friends and family and I would say I’ve cut my self flagellation down by at least 50% due to this one change. Now that I’m around people who either love or truly don’t care one way or the other about my quirks / stumbles, I just don’t worry so much about getting things perfect.
Therapy, medication, other situational changes (job, apartment) and getting to the bottom of my neurodivergence helped too.
posted by seemoorglass at 7:32 PM on August 20 [5 favorites]
Therapy, medication, other situational changes (job, apartment) and getting to the bottom of my neurodivergence helped too.
posted by seemoorglass at 7:32 PM on August 20 [5 favorites]
At this point I find my self criticism to be mostly habit, but the remainder is atonement for my sins.
I recognize a lot of sins, everything from making mistakes in my work to forgetting to ask someone how their sick mother is doing. There is a right way to do things in life and if I fail to do them that way then some punishment is in order to keep me on track.
Constant self-flagellation is how I show my dedication to living a righteous life. After all, if I don’t keep me on the straight and narrow who will?
There is a school of thought that people are by nature worthy and will do their best even if you don’t punish them. That’s some post-Medieval crap though and for some reason I’m sticking with the 13th century friar approach.
Things have gone much easier since I’ve recognized this whole structure though.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:38 PM on August 20 [1 favorite]
I recognize a lot of sins, everything from making mistakes in my work to forgetting to ask someone how their sick mother is doing. There is a right way to do things in life and if I fail to do them that way then some punishment is in order to keep me on track.
Constant self-flagellation is how I show my dedication to living a righteous life. After all, if I don’t keep me on the straight and narrow who will?
There is a school of thought that people are by nature worthy and will do their best even if you don’t punish them. That’s some post-Medieval crap though and for some reason I’m sticking with the 13th century friar approach.
Things have gone much easier since I’ve recognized this whole structure though.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:38 PM on August 20 [1 favorite]
Some things I've learned that may be useful to you:
You can not hate yourself or shame yourself into becoming better.
If being hard on yourself worked, it would have worked by now.
No matter how mightily I have fucked up, self-criticism will not fix the situation. Fixing the situation will fix the situation. If it's unfixable, then grieve it and figure out how to move forward from here. Every moment spent perseverating on how much I suck is wasted time, wasted energy, wasted brain-cycles.
Let me be clear, this doesn't mean "Now I'm going to perseverate on how much I suck for perseverating on how much I suck." What it means is that when I catch myself getting intensely self-critical then I try to turn my attention to
a: what I can do to make the situation better; and
b: what I can do to take care of myself. Get sleep, get fed, get hydrated, take a shower.
A mantra might help - it doesn't even have to mean anything, it just has to be something you can turn to when your internal monologue gets stuck in that self-critical record-groove.
posted by Jeanne at 8:10 PM on August 20 [10 favorites]
You can not hate yourself or shame yourself into becoming better.
If being hard on yourself worked, it would have worked by now.
No matter how mightily I have fucked up, self-criticism will not fix the situation. Fixing the situation will fix the situation. If it's unfixable, then grieve it and figure out how to move forward from here. Every moment spent perseverating on how much I suck is wasted time, wasted energy, wasted brain-cycles.
Let me be clear, this doesn't mean "Now I'm going to perseverate on how much I suck for perseverating on how much I suck." What it means is that when I catch myself getting intensely self-critical then I try to turn my attention to
a: what I can do to make the situation better; and
b: what I can do to take care of myself. Get sleep, get fed, get hydrated, take a shower.
A mantra might help - it doesn't even have to mean anything, it just has to be something you can turn to when your internal monologue gets stuck in that self-critical record-groove.
posted by Jeanne at 8:10 PM on August 20 [10 favorites]
Time and age play a big part in it, at least they did for me. But here's a couple things to consider:
- When you make a mistake, did you make that mistake on purpose? No, you almost certainly did not. That's why it is called a mistake. Give yourself the grace to understand that, and instead of focusing on the act itself, focus your positive energies on how to resolve whatever the situation is that you find yourself in.
- Nobody has a reason be kind to you if you're not kind to yourself first. While that may sound like an exaggeration, it kinda isn't; it goes back to the "give yourself grace" concept. You absolutely have to be kind to yourself, as much as you can; you will get nowhere if all you tell yourself is where you fall short.
As Jeanne said above, if being hard on yourself worked, it would have worked by now. So, try a different approach. Try encouraging yourself a bit. Next time you find yourself in a situation where you'd beat yourself up, just...don't. Don't go the other way and artificially be all YAY ME I'M AWESOME, let's take some realistic baby steps here, but instead, take a good look at the situation you're in. What are the triggers that make you be hard on yourself? How can you change those triggers into something at least neutral-to-productive? Now take those triggers and put them to work solving the thing.
It will take work, for sure, but it all starts with you being at least a little kind to yourself. Understand that mistakes will happen; don't blame yourself when they do, just figure out how to fix what happened, and then move on to the next thing (which could be a positive thing! A little reward for fixing the thing!).
Then repeat. One step at a time, and before you know it, through repetition, you'll hopefully be seeing yourself in a more positive light. Good luck!
posted by pdb at 9:12 PM on August 20 [2 favorites]
- When you make a mistake, did you make that mistake on purpose? No, you almost certainly did not. That's why it is called a mistake. Give yourself the grace to understand that, and instead of focusing on the act itself, focus your positive energies on how to resolve whatever the situation is that you find yourself in.
- Nobody has a reason be kind to you if you're not kind to yourself first. While that may sound like an exaggeration, it kinda isn't; it goes back to the "give yourself grace" concept. You absolutely have to be kind to yourself, as much as you can; you will get nowhere if all you tell yourself is where you fall short.
As Jeanne said above, if being hard on yourself worked, it would have worked by now. So, try a different approach. Try encouraging yourself a bit. Next time you find yourself in a situation where you'd beat yourself up, just...don't. Don't go the other way and artificially be all YAY ME I'M AWESOME, let's take some realistic baby steps here, but instead, take a good look at the situation you're in. What are the triggers that make you be hard on yourself? How can you change those triggers into something at least neutral-to-productive? Now take those triggers and put them to work solving the thing.
It will take work, for sure, but it all starts with you being at least a little kind to yourself. Understand that mistakes will happen; don't blame yourself when they do, just figure out how to fix what happened, and then move on to the next thing (which could be a positive thing! A little reward for fixing the thing!).
Then repeat. One step at a time, and before you know it, through repetition, you'll hopefully be seeing yourself in a more positive light. Good luck!
posted by pdb at 9:12 PM on August 20 [2 favorites]
I notice that this gets SIGNIFICANTLY better for me when I do a better job of giving others the benefit of the doubt (and gets worse when I don't)
Yes -- compassion for others is very correlated with self-compassion, I've found.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 9:28 PM on August 20 [1 favorite]
Yes -- compassion for others is very correlated with self-compassion, I've found.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 9:28 PM on August 20 [1 favorite]
I'm interested in knowing how you identified what was driving that critical internal voice, and what specific strategies you used to change it, and how you used them in a stressful moment when it would have been easier to beat yourself up.
It can be useful to envision a compassionate figure who's talking to you in a supportive, empathetic way. Sounds weird, but it can actually have value.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 9:30 PM on August 20 [1 favorite]
It can be useful to envision a compassionate figure who's talking to you in a supportive, empathetic way. Sounds weird, but it can actually have value.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 9:30 PM on August 20 [1 favorite]
The inside job is so hard when you have low self esteem. All the outside factors that have made you [anyone] feel not enough, or hard on themselves are probably no surprises in terms of ‘oh my parents were very critical/ my sister got more love and praise/ nothing I ever did was good enough/ my partners have taken love and been lazy at giving it etc’ It’s not that hard to identify where the critical self was borne. Yelling back to those voices works for a while but it doesn’t build you up inside, even as it does help with forgiving the way you talk and feel about yourself.
In terms of the inside job we do on ourselves, I think it is much harder.
Years ago a meditation class I attended threw out an idea to the class which was using meditation time at home to reflect on what comes to mind by using your non-usual hand to hold a pen as you put thoughts or drawings on paper.
It’s kinda woo, and I was also in psychotherapy so was doing other mental work, but it was eye-opening to me. In wonky writing and odd drawings of circles that I took to be ovaries and organs, I got down roughly concepts ‘you are okay. you can heal. You are good. Love yourself’ Also some other things related to the health experiences I was having. In other sessions I did with myself over some long period of time, I meditated on what I had seen in those drawings and wobbly writings and I leaned into the wisdom.
I think in times where I am getting hard on myself, I have that memory of my insides having told me what they need. Feeling that there is a core, a tiny part of my unconscious that knows that I am good, worthy, capable of loving myself - and that is the emerging sense of self. I need to recognise and nurture it, repeating the words and praising my gut for knowing things I need to really know, and not constantly putting myself down. [I am not ‘cured’ but it’s been helpful but as always, YMMV]
posted by honey-barbara at 12:22 AM on August 21 [2 favorites]
In terms of the inside job we do on ourselves, I think it is much harder.
Years ago a meditation class I attended threw out an idea to the class which was using meditation time at home to reflect on what comes to mind by using your non-usual hand to hold a pen as you put thoughts or drawings on paper.
It’s kinda woo, and I was also in psychotherapy so was doing other mental work, but it was eye-opening to me. In wonky writing and odd drawings of circles that I took to be ovaries and organs, I got down roughly concepts ‘you are okay. you can heal. You are good. Love yourself’ Also some other things related to the health experiences I was having. In other sessions I did with myself over some long period of time, I meditated on what I had seen in those drawings and wobbly writings and I leaned into the wisdom.
I think in times where I am getting hard on myself, I have that memory of my insides having told me what they need. Feeling that there is a core, a tiny part of my unconscious that knows that I am good, worthy, capable of loving myself - and that is the emerging sense of self. I need to recognise and nurture it, repeating the words and praising my gut for knowing things I need to really know, and not constantly putting myself down. [I am not ‘cured’ but it’s been helpful but as always, YMMV]
posted by honey-barbara at 12:22 AM on August 21 [2 favorites]
Hello. What it took for me is confronting first what was going through my head when I criticized my kids. I was comparing them to some impossible, invisible standard that didn’t matter or even exist. And I was speaking in its voice (which sounded a lot like my own father) to myself first and foremost, denigrating my own parenting and my kid’s behavior by extension. That felt awful, I didn’t want that bullshit speaking to my kid. So now, when I start to hear it going off not just about parenting but anything I am doing “wrong”, I feel protective of both my kids and the kid that I was. That’s all we are is just kids doing our best. Leave us the hell alone trauma ghost!!
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:08 AM on August 21 [5 favorites]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:08 AM on August 21 [5 favorites]
I agree with a lot of things ppl have said. I do think it varies though.
Sometimes, self-criticism is a habit and so you need other coping strategies to break the habit. Like if it makes you procrastinate, kind of develop an inner script like “thanks for weighing in but I’m going to get started now.”
Sometimes it’s about control. Like, if only I weren’t stupid, people would hurt me or i wouldn’t have gotten injured or whatever it is. In that case it’s about a) accepting that things will happen that are either partly in my control, not in my control, or control requires perfection which is not possible. So my focus there is building an understanding that I can handle and manage bad things, and their emotions.
Sometimes it’s about fear. So like, other people can do sales but I can’t because I’m not one of the cheerleaders. Or I’m too scattered to deserve a promotion. That’s kind of self-esteem and what’s worked for me is building activities into my life (classes, hobbies, volunteering) where I can be supported in learning and growing and gain actual success and skills. (For me action precedes motivation or esteem.)
Sometimes it’s about shitty scripts. I, like many women of my generation, have an incredibly stupid meter in my head that evaluates my weight and body against everyone around me. It’s taken work and habits - looking at media that celebrates lots of body types, reading on diet culture etc. etc. to stop.
I agree too that kindness is a thing we can choose, for everything. It’s hard but being kind to others does rub off, if you do it from a position of strength.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:12 AM on August 21 [1 favorite]
Sometimes, self-criticism is a habit and so you need other coping strategies to break the habit. Like if it makes you procrastinate, kind of develop an inner script like “thanks for weighing in but I’m going to get started now.”
Sometimes it’s about control. Like, if only I weren’t stupid, people would hurt me or i wouldn’t have gotten injured or whatever it is. In that case it’s about a) accepting that things will happen that are either partly in my control, not in my control, or control requires perfection which is not possible. So my focus there is building an understanding that I can handle and manage bad things, and their emotions.
Sometimes it’s about fear. So like, other people can do sales but I can’t because I’m not one of the cheerleaders. Or I’m too scattered to deserve a promotion. That’s kind of self-esteem and what’s worked for me is building activities into my life (classes, hobbies, volunteering) where I can be supported in learning and growing and gain actual success and skills. (For me action precedes motivation or esteem.)
Sometimes it’s about shitty scripts. I, like many women of my generation, have an incredibly stupid meter in my head that evaluates my weight and body against everyone around me. It’s taken work and habits - looking at media that celebrates lots of body types, reading on diet culture etc. etc. to stop.
I agree too that kindness is a thing we can choose, for everything. It’s hard but being kind to others does rub off, if you do it from a position of strength.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:12 AM on August 21 [1 favorite]
When I started my teacher training I had some great instructors WHO HAD SEEN SOME THINGS. They taught (and raised) kids that were challenging. But those instructors leaned into trying to find out why the kids' behaviours were so misaligned with what would be more successful in a given situation. They also challenged my narrow view of what "success" even was for a given person, in a given situation, at a given time.
It made me realise that I had a really black and white model of people, especially myself. My upbringing taught me to strive for perfection and to fight for attention, and so my unrelenting self-criticism was the voice that tried to keep me safe. But that voice was exhausting and harmful. It would have been really helpful to know, as a kid, that the people around me understood that I was doing my best. That I actually needed some help with things that were disproportionately hard for me (but seemingly obvious and easy to others).
So that's how I am as a teacher: I assume that my students are doing their best. If their best is wildly out of line with what makes sense in my class, I get curious. "Hey, what's going on for you today? You've had a really hard time being here." Or "You just don't seem as focused today and that thing you just said really didn't sound like you. You ok?"
Little by little, I was able to use that same, kinder lenses on myself. I was able to take the good advice I was giving to my students about rest, purpose, and boundaries and apply it to myself.
Honestly, I feel less accomplished these days. I feel like I forget important details of my friends' lives and need reminders. But I am so much more content and I have so much more space for other people and myself, in all our messy humanity.
Wishing you the best of luck on your journey, with warm kindness.
posted by Sauter Vaguely at 7:18 AM on August 21 [8 favorites]
It made me realise that I had a really black and white model of people, especially myself. My upbringing taught me to strive for perfection and to fight for attention, and so my unrelenting self-criticism was the voice that tried to keep me safe. But that voice was exhausting and harmful. It would have been really helpful to know, as a kid, that the people around me understood that I was doing my best. That I actually needed some help with things that were disproportionately hard for me (but seemingly obvious and easy to others).
So that's how I am as a teacher: I assume that my students are doing their best. If their best is wildly out of line with what makes sense in my class, I get curious. "Hey, what's going on for you today? You've had a really hard time being here." Or "You just don't seem as focused today and that thing you just said really didn't sound like you. You ok?"
Little by little, I was able to use that same, kinder lenses on myself. I was able to take the good advice I was giving to my students about rest, purpose, and boundaries and apply it to myself.
Honestly, I feel less accomplished these days. I feel like I forget important details of my friends' lives and need reminders. But I am so much more content and I have so much more space for other people and myself, in all our messy humanity.
Wishing you the best of luck on your journey, with warm kindness.
posted by Sauter Vaguely at 7:18 AM on August 21 [8 favorites]
Interrogating the criticisms and seeing if they held water given circumstances. Looking at the criticism and asking if they are reasonable demands to make of anyone. Looking at the chain of causes and effects leading to the behaviour being judged. If someone else were in that same position, and did whatever you are judging, with the same set of constraints, would you be as harsh? If so would a consensus of other people likely also find those judgements fair?
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:55 AM on August 21 [1 favorite]
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:55 AM on August 21 [1 favorite]
+1 your self criticism is trying to keep you safe. It often helps me to get curious with the mean thoughts and ask why this is so upsetting. There's a Buddhist idea of inviting your demon to tea that captures this idea. After you hold space for that thought, you can thank it for trying to keep you safe, and tell it that it doesn't need to worry because you're an adult now / the bad things that might happen aren't actually that bad / etc.
Internal Family Systems further develops this idea that there are different selves inside you that you need to listen to to be a healthy adult - the "internal family" is those other selves. There are therapists that practice this modality and books about it that explain more.
posted by momus_window at 12:15 PM on August 21 [4 favorites]
Internal Family Systems further develops this idea that there are different selves inside you that you need to listen to to be a healthy adult - the "internal family" is those other selves. There are therapists that practice this modality and books about it that explain more.
posted by momus_window at 12:15 PM on August 21 [4 favorites]
Fundamentally, in this moment, you are who you are, warts and all, regardless of who you "wish" you "were". You might be someone very different someday in the future, but right now, you are who you are, and you cannot change who you are in this moment. Being hard on ourselves is, in many ways, a coping mechanism -- a way of shouting "if only I were, in this moment, different!" But you are not, and shouting at yourself will not change it.
If you have a genuine wish to be different in the future, the first step is to accept utterly and completely where you are right now, then nurture that.
Put another way, you cannot directly change who you are; you cannot simply will yourself into being a different person, and your inability to do so is not a personal failure; no human in the world can do this. Rather, change is a thing that occurs over time as a result of your choices on a day to day basis.
posted by etealuear_crushue at 12:27 PM on August 21 [5 favorites]
If you have a genuine wish to be different in the future, the first step is to accept utterly and completely where you are right now, then nurture that.
Put another way, you cannot directly change who you are; you cannot simply will yourself into being a different person, and your inability to do so is not a personal failure; no human in the world can do this. Rather, change is a thing that occurs over time as a result of your choices on a day to day basis.
posted by etealuear_crushue at 12:27 PM on August 21 [5 favorites]
I'm not sure what the exact mechanism of my change was, but I can pinpoint a couple of concrete changes that have been components of the overall change of being less hard on myself.
1. I used to have a deep conviction that the only way I could improve (as a person, in my habits, in my life) was if I was "strict" with myself. I used to think that if I was nice to myself inside my head, that would make me soft, spoiled, and complacent. [Insert mysterious process of change involving therapy] Now I know the opposite is true, from repeatedly noticing what conditions actually lef me to long term change (as opposed to resolutions that last two weeks at most). I no longer feel virtuous for berating myself. That's a pretty big change!
2. I used to feel I had fallen behind, that I was supposed to be catching up. [Insert mysterious process of change involving therapy] These days I wake up and go, this is what I need to do today. No references are made whether this was supposed to have been done already or whether I'm late or etc. Turns out this is a HUGE part of being kind to myself because a large part of my meanness involved telling myself that I had fucked up, I had been too lazy, and now I was behind schedule.
posted by MiraK at 10:57 AM on August 22 [1 favorite]
1. I used to have a deep conviction that the only way I could improve (as a person, in my habits, in my life) was if I was "strict" with myself. I used to think that if I was nice to myself inside my head, that would make me soft, spoiled, and complacent. [Insert mysterious process of change involving therapy] Now I know the opposite is true, from repeatedly noticing what conditions actually lef me to long term change (as opposed to resolutions that last two weeks at most). I no longer feel virtuous for berating myself. That's a pretty big change!
2. I used to feel I had fallen behind, that I was supposed to be catching up. [Insert mysterious process of change involving therapy] These days I wake up and go, this is what I need to do today. No references are made whether this was supposed to have been done already or whether I'm late or etc. Turns out this is a HUGE part of being kind to myself because a large part of my meanness involved telling myself that I had fucked up, I had been too lazy, and now I was behind schedule.
posted by MiraK at 10:57 AM on August 22 [1 favorite]
I had a formative experience in changing my mindset when I was in college. I had a roommate who was a truly physically beautiful person. When I realized she had the same insecurities as I, a mere mortal, did, and that hers were worse in many ways, I took a big step back and realized, "Ohhhh. Insecurities don't reflect what's actually true -- this beautiful woman thinks she's unattractive because of societal messaging. So maybe some of what I think about myself is also societal messaging." So, my first advice is to talk to trusted friends about your self-criticism and self-doubt. I don't mean like you say, "I messed up on this thing I am mad about," but that, in a moment when are you feeling comfortable being vulnerable with a trusted friend, you say to them, "Sometimes I really hard on myself." And see where the conversation goes. Maybe you will find they think some of the same things about themself, and you will be able to see them being hard on themselves in the same way you are, and it'll make you realize you'd never say the criticisms to your friend that they say to themselves. And maybe it will help you reflect.
Next, think of the things you say to yourself, and the way you talk to your friends. Would you ever say to a friend, "You screwed up and you are worthless." Of course not! So why are you saying those things to yourself? So, be your own friend. Don't treat yourself worse than you'd treat others. This one resonates with me, because I am generally the friend who pumps up other people, so I try to turn some of that positive attention inward.
Some other friends of mine did this: Make an agreement with a friend (or yourself, but friendship and accountability are good) to set up a self-deprecating comment fund. Every time you speak negatively about yourself, you put $5 (or whatever) in the fund. Make an agreement to stop talking negatively about yourself and each other.
Finally, I can tell you what a young person in life told me he realized: no one else is looking at you that much or cares that much about everything you do. When you feel weird because you tripped walking down the sidewalk, well, no one else is paying attention, and if they are, they are probably worried you are hurt. So he realized he was doing a lot of naval-gazing, and it wasn't serving him at all.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:19 PM on August 22 [1 favorite]
Next, think of the things you say to yourself, and the way you talk to your friends. Would you ever say to a friend, "You screwed up and you are worthless." Of course not! So why are you saying those things to yourself? So, be your own friend. Don't treat yourself worse than you'd treat others. This one resonates with me, because I am generally the friend who pumps up other people, so I try to turn some of that positive attention inward.
Some other friends of mine did this: Make an agreement with a friend (or yourself, but friendship and accountability are good) to set up a self-deprecating comment fund. Every time you speak negatively about yourself, you put $5 (or whatever) in the fund. Make an agreement to stop talking negatively about yourself and each other.
Finally, I can tell you what a young person in life told me he realized: no one else is looking at you that much or cares that much about everything you do. When you feel weird because you tripped walking down the sidewalk, well, no one else is paying attention, and if they are, they are probably worried you are hurt. So he realized he was doing a lot of naval-gazing, and it wasn't serving him at all.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:19 PM on August 22 [1 favorite]
I find it helps to picture how you would talk to a work acquaintance who made a mistake. For instance, let's say they were supposed to email you something and forgot, and you had to remind them. Would you even think about that as irritating? My guess is no. We understand that people out in the world have their own things going on, are not perfect, etc., etc., etc. There are so many reasons why someone could make a mistake and it's simply not even worth dwelling on.
Turning that around, why would you beat yourself up over something small? Your co-workers (the half-sensible ones at least) certainly wouldn't. Then think how you'd feel if it was a good friend who made a mistake. Truly no big deal, right? But don't you deserve at least as much grace as a good friend? Next time you get tempted to pile on yourself, get indignant and say right back, "How dare you say that to my friend?!?".
posted by wnissen at 2:08 PM on August 23 [1 favorite]
Turning that around, why would you beat yourself up over something small? Your co-workers (the half-sensible ones at least) certainly wouldn't. Then think how you'd feel if it was a good friend who made a mistake. Truly no big deal, right? But don't you deserve at least as much grace as a good friend? Next time you get tempted to pile on yourself, get indignant and say right back, "How dare you say that to my friend?!?".
posted by wnissen at 2:08 PM on August 23 [1 favorite]
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Concisely, I have found that it requires a combination of tactics and it takes practice to unlearn and reprogram my internal narrative about myself. I wish you all the luck, you deserve your own love and care.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 4:44 PM on August 20 [6 favorites]