Sex Therapist vs Gottman Intensive - Seeking experiences of either

August 19, 2024 10:53 PM

My partner and I are trying to find a new couples therapist to help with some intimacy and communication issues. I generally have liked the work of John Gottman, and saw there are some certified therapists in our country (Australia) who offer these intensive treatment options that seem really interesting. At the same time, seeing an actual sex therapist is something we haven't done before, and thought that could perhaps be a viable option. Looking to hear some experiential reports of anyone who has been through either so we can help make a decision of which to explore. (Bonus points for any referrals for couples counsellors of any kind in Australia...)

A bit of background, we're a cis het couple in our early 40s - two young kids, both incredibly busy lives. Very committed to the relationship but have many varied issues that we need to work through after 12+ years together, mostly around negative communication patterns and intimacy as we are both very different people now to when we first got together.

We've seen two separate traditional couples therapists before over the years, but never really got lasting results. The last time we saw someone was pre-Covid, and it seems like we have many more options to explore via Telehealth and feel a bit more confidence we could find someone who could be more helpful.

The idea of these intensive Gottman sessions (I.e, 2x full days) sounds really well structured and interesting compared to the the start/stop nature of more traditional therapy. Given how hard it is for us to effectively communicate at the moment it feels like something of this nature could be really novel, and that perhaps some of the sexual issues could end up being resolved through this process.

At the same time there are a number of intimacy issues at play (mismatched libidos and current hormonal factors), and seeing a specific sex therapist / sexologist is something that we haven't tried that could be worth a shot, and perhaps the communication issues could be addressed coming it at from this angle.

Overall, I'm just a bit at sea in terms of how to find a good couples counsellor or what to look for in general. Most therapists I have gotten by referrals have their books closed or have long wait lists, so it's not like we even have the opportunity to interview people or ask questions, so hearing other peoples experiences, especially if they relate to either of the modalities here would be really useful!

(Again, bonus points for any direct referrals in Australia - throwaway email: [e-mail])

Thank you!

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (4 answers total)

I saw a sex therapist and a couples therapist with my now ex husband, for what we thought were partially communication issues and libido mismatch issues. I can now, post divorce, tell you that there were not actually libido mismatch issues, and that going to the sex therapist was probably the worst decision from a keeping-the-relationship-together standpoint that we did. Sex therapists feel somewhat pressured to keep their therapy somewhat sex focused, even if they can tell immediately that the problem is not bedroom related but intimacy related.

You say that you have both tried couples therapy without lasting results; can you say what went wrong there specifically? If you message the mods they can provide a mod update here that will enable us to give you better feedback. There are a number of ways couples therapy can go wrong, and if you’re going in with the same problems it may not be the type of therapist that’s the issue exactly.

One thing I will say: our first couples therapist recommended that we both be in individual therapy at the same time as couples therapy. That did not happen, and I think it probably harmed the outlook for the couples therapy. I think there is a tendency for people to think of couples therapy as something that happens in a vacuum, but it’s really not - that can be really, really helpful.
posted by corb at 8:36 AM on August 20 [2 favorites]

I've done Gottman therapy, and it's definitely helped with communication, provided that both parties take it seriously and commit to trying to put it into practice properly.

However it can also be quite stifling in terms of discussing issues (this may depend on the therapist) because of the way it teaches couples to communicate. What I mean here is that, if I were about to say something that was even a mild criticism of my partner (e.g. "Jane is sometimes more pessimistic than I am.") the the therapist would stop me and ask me to rephrase (my partner found the same thing when she was talking about things that bothered her).

This is a minor data point — we both agree we're better off for having the sessions than not — but it did mean that at times we didn't feel completely seen when emotions were heightened in the sessions. That said, the skills it gave us are invaluable outside of the sessions.
posted by gmb at 8:57 AM on August 20 [5 favorites]

We also worked with a Gottman therapist. I would frame it slightly differently than gmb, perhaps differences between therapists. Our therapist biased session content toward teaching us how to modulate our emotional reactivity rather than trying to take on and resolve specific issues. We had major issues around defensiveness - my partner expressive and quick, me more intellectual and slow to process.

We would pick a fraught subject or bring up fights from the last week, but would really often only get through one person's "side." There were plenty of insights that showed up as a side effect and it really deepened trust between us, but we often left sessions feeling like there would have been a breakthrough if we'd had 15 more minutes. But...more important for us was the ability to do that work on our own without having to rely on an ongoing relationship with a therapist. We already had that as a core intention of our marriage.

Our sessions were about sixty minutes long, every other week for 3-4 months. I'm not sure whether an intensive would change the overall format/bias.
posted by SoundInhabitant at 4:50 PM on August 21

I’m a divorced mom, and in my former marriage, I tried each of the therapies you’re considering. If I could do it all again, I would have skipped the couples & sex therapy, and privately read and applied the wisdom contained in these 2 books instead:

1) “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans. Do not attend couples therapy with a covert abuser.

2) “It Takes One to Tango” by Winifred M. Reilly, MA, MFT - this book is truly fantastic. Sometimes you can rescue your marriage with no help from your spouse by focusing on your own behaviors, being less reactive, unhooking from your repetitive fights, and taking a firm stand for what truly matters to you without arguing, cajoling, or resorting to threats.
posted by edithkeeler at 10:34 AM on August 24 [2 favorites]