What is my problem in life? Your thoughts needed please. 🙏🏽

July 28, 2024 1:18 PM

I’ve had 4 jobs in 5 years of various lengths. I have Multiple Scelerosis, clinical depression, anxiety and bouts of suicide ideation. Most of these jobs were senior roles (HoDs, executive). I have recently quit another role this July. What is wrong with me?<

In 2018 I was diagnosed with MS. I battled with medication for years thanks to poor health insurance. Before MS I was pretty darn good at my work- always getting accolades and great feedback. In 2019 I moved to a HoD role at a university. Combined with a horrible self injected MS medication which took it out of me (I couldn’t walk properly at one stage), and a dysfunctional work environment (they kept the old (white) boss around while I was meant to succeed him (I am not white), and a bullying manager, I decided to quit (as covid hit globally). I felt free. Soon after I was COO at an NGO where I stayed for a year but since I was still not on great meds things were tough. I then started my own business and it went well, from 2021- now, though things have quieted down to the point where I worry about income. So this year I took at role at a rural university (I live in another city), an entry level stint. I was onsite for two months, and then would work remotely from my hometown in another province. Things we’re great onsite, I was myself, my achieving nature was back, I was starting to kick ass. Then when I came home things fell apart. I felt removed, lik e I had one eye closed, arms tied behind my back. I got anxious about information I was ‘missing’ and had a major sudden and debilitating case of imposter syndrome. My anxiety took the wheel and it fell off a cliff into depression and suicide ideation. So I quit, also having decided that the tasks I was expected to do wasn’t what I was missing when I was working for myself. The thing, however, is: when working onsite I was FINE and even enjoying it, even thought the job I thought I was taking wasn’t what it turned out to be. But coming home, to work remotely, made all my confidence and competence disappear to the point where I was flailing. BUT. No one saw me as flailing, the boss et al all thought I was kicking ass.

I now have a potentially new job lined up. And given past performance predicts future behaviour, I am anxious about taking it on especially as I didn’t even last 3 months at the remote job.

My questions:
1. Should I never work for an employer and continue with my own consultancy? (I am concerned about money and the isolation of this- it is not sustainable, I don’t think. ).
2. Why was it that working on site worked fine but remotely it all went to hell? My anxiety attacks were overwhelming to the point of tears and chest palpitations, I catastrophized small tasks, and fundamentally thought I was not good enough making me want run for the hills. Onsite none of these manifested.
3. Should I consider taking the new offer? It’s for 4 days a week, onsite, and good pay. Or will my old fears come up again?
4. How do I go into a role and tackle imposter syndrome while also not expecting 150% of myself all the time?
5. Whydoi thinking a useless while other people think I am stellar? And how do I reconcile the two?
6. Does anyone with MS experience debilitating stress while working?
7. What is wrong with me?

posted by 23yearlurker to Work & Money (13 answers total)

Best answer: Remote work cuts you off from almost a great deal of the social animal feedback you get when interacting with people in person, and it makes total sense to me that it could cause you to become unmoored from your job and spin out into anxiety. In person you can make the sorts of small connections and assurances that simply aren't as easy and sometimes impossible remotely.

There's nothing wrong with finding remote work isolating and alienating.
posted by BungaDunga at 1:45 PM on July 28 [15 favorites]

It sounds like on-site work works best for you, and full-time-remote work stresses you out because you don't get the "bandwidth" of subtle information exchange that you need to have the subconscious sense that you're doing the job well. Some people thrive with work-from-home; some really, really don't, and that doesn't mean there's something wrong with them. (You probably were objectively kicking ass in terms of the work in your previous remote position, but it sounds like working remote was trashing your mental health.)

Since the new role is on-site, and hopefully not in a dysfunctional environment, it seems most likely that you'll be fine similar to the onsite period of your previous position.
posted by heatherlogan at 1:53 PM on July 28 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: Just. Apologies for all the typos!
posted by 23yearlurker at 2:01 PM on July 28

Thirding that it just sounds like you thrive when working on site in person, and not remotely, alone (especially not in a job which is remote from the start). Go for it!
posted by penguin pie at 2:07 PM on July 28 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I agree with the others, it sounds like you are just one of the people who thrives best working face to face with your team and others. This new opportunity sounds like it will set you up for success for the medium term.

Over the long term, though, it might be worth seeking some coaching or therapy to address some of the underlying issues linked to confidence etc.. You come across as very self-critical, and learning to reframe things with self-compassion might really make a difference.
posted by rpfields at 2:21 PM on July 28 [3 favorites]

Working from home it can be difficult to turn off. To say that's it for the day.
Working from an office has more structure. Start , finish, relax .
Do something besides work.
posted by yyz at 3:12 PM on July 28

There's nothing wrong with finding remote work isolating and alienating.

I'm a world-historical introvert but even I found it necessary to schedule in some regular office time once my job worked out what options it was going to offer. There are unquestionably aspects of it I don't like (NYC subway in summer!!!), but I can't deny the benefits.
posted by praemunire at 3:32 PM on July 28 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Hi! I don't have MS but I have a similar, very serious chronic disease diagnosed about 5 years ago. My tolerance for stress has gone way, way, way down and my threshold for tears, panic attacks, etc. has also dropped. I went from being an ED at a non profit to part time consulting. I assumed that the issues were psychiatric or related to the scariness and challenges of the diagnosis. But my doctor says that my illness causes neuro-inflammation during flares. My doctor specifically named MS as another disease that cause these kinds of issues. Somehow knowing that allowed me to let myself off the hook a little bit. I guess living my whole life as a high performer in an ableist world it's easier for me to give myself grace when I know that something is truly outside of my control and that I can't fix it by trying harder. I recognize how problematic that is and yep I am definitely in therapy. I wish you health and peace of mind and the career trajectory that works and makes sense for your current lived reality. You sound like a badass.
posted by jeszac at 3:53 PM on July 28 [13 favorites]

I think your problems in life are (1) you have MS, which is not a cakewalk, and (2) like all people, you have an array of human needs that have been met sometimes and not other times. I hope you give this new in-person job a try and I hope it’s great.

Have you talked to your neurologist (I assume you have one) about whether some of the psychological symptoms could be MS inflected? I wonder whether it would be useful in eg making sure you’re on the right mix of drugs.
posted by eirias at 5:54 PM on July 28 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: Just to note. I am in therapy and I do have a neurologist. Both appointments are coming up soon. I posted this question for that reason. I sometimes feel like my therapist doesn’t understand my (not only financial) need to work. eirias, that’s a good question for me to ask my neurologist, thank you.
posted by 23yearlurker at 5:52 AM on July 29 [2 favorites]

Hi, I also have MS. If you have shitty access to meds, I am going to assume you are in the US. I assume you know this but most DMTs have patient assistance programs and the cost can be as low as zero.

Personally, my vote is 100% take the office job. It sounds like it will really suit you and honestly, it is important to work as long as you can to be able to do the best for yourself long term.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:49 AM on July 29 [1 favorite]

Your question is unclear on whether you are still taking the self-injected medicine for your MS. If so, make sure that your neurologist is up on the latest and greatest MS medications, which can be much better in terms of side-effects. My wife benefited greatly when she switched to a neurologist who is a specialist in MS. Her old (non-MS specializing) neurologists had her on the same medication for years, but with the new doctor we discovered a regular pipeline of new and improved therapies.

She used to take one of the self-injected meds which caused stressful side effects and then another med which knocked her on her ass for at least a week out of every month. Now she's on Mayzent, which is a daily pill which (for her) has no significant side effects. It's super-expensive, but the manufacturer has a copay assistance program which covers the entire amount as long as you have commercial health insurance. (As DarlingBri notes, it seems that most of the DMT manufacturers have copay assistance programs of this sort.)
posted by tdismukes at 7:15 AM on July 29 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I can give you some thoughts on #4.

I had a new job after leaving the previous due to burnout. I've always been a high performer, and always want to do the absolute best based on my own standards. But, with the burnout still lingering on starting the new job, I knew I couldn't work at the level that *I* considered an A+. So, I tried for a bit not working for my personal A+, working at what I might consider a B-.

And you know what happened? EVERYONE thought the work was A / A+ level. It sorta flipped a switch in me and I realized, to change metaphors, that consistently hitting what I would consider doubles was just as satisfying and enjoyable as feeling like I knocked it out of the park with every project. I still got the runners around the bases, everyone was still very happy with my work, and it was at a level I could sustain even as I've been climbing out of burnout.

So, yeah, maybe try the new role, give yourself the grace and space to back off and *try* an experiment of giving 85% for a year. See how people react to that work. The proof is in their feedback and, I would bet, they will be 110% satisfied.
posted by chiefthe at 7:35 AM on July 29 [8 favorites]