Stuck in a bad habit loop
July 24, 2024 7:23 AM Subscribe
It feels like Groundhog Day but with more back pain. Need help getting out of this loop.
So I started a new job (see previous questions) and transitioned from WFH (RIP to that lifestyle) to being in person fully with a commute. Update, the commute is really not bad! I’m glad I tried it and did not listen to Reddit.
The first week in my new job I was doing great (as I expected) — commuting actually seemed to help with my routine and forcing me to be “off” when I got home. I was prepping lunch, laying out outfits, doing my nighttime routine, and going to bed on time.
But (as I expected) it only lasted a week. The newness wore off.
I got back in the habit of my WFH routine where I would get done with work, collapse on the couch, forget to eat, and fall asleep without washing my face or brushing my teeth or wearing a CPAP. And I wake up feeling horrible and in pain and thus, start my day off badly. I don’t have time for breakfast, I haven’t picked out my outfit, I’m running late.
I’m so tired of being in this loop. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and I have pretty bad anxiety, but they both get exacerbated by my sleep apnea. The stimulants I’m trying work well for the day but crash me out when I feel like I need an extra boost (getting things done at night.) I feel like that meme where it’s a person begging their brain to please start something and it says “no” and then ask what about finishing something and it also says “no.”
The factors I think are adding to this: I have a new job that I started less than a month ago, that I moved across the country less than a couple months ago, my partner has been sick, and I’m working another job in the evening (probably the biggest contributor.)
When I get home at 5, I prepare to work a role in a caring profession from 6-9pm. So I’m beat. My brain can only think of wanting to watch tiktok and fall asleep on the couch after, even though I KNOW I want to take a shower. But showers are boring. I have to listen to a podcast to help me get through it. Which sounds ridiculous, I know. But my speaker is still packed away in a box somewhere. So then I feel less motivated to do it until I have to (the next morning when my face is itchy from makeup.)
I will finish my second job next week and be able to only work one job for the next few months, which I’m so excited about! I will have more time to relax! And workout!
In the meantime though, I’m afraid I still won’t be able to get out of this loop, even after I quit that job. In the past, I will have streaks of being on top of it and then stop. Learning about neurodivergence, I recognize that my consistency may not look like doing the same thing every day. But if I could just get the majority of the days where I wash my face, brush my teeth, and at least use my night guard if I can’t lay in bed to use my CPAP, I would feel tremendously better.
Here are things I have tried:
- shaming myself (so so results)
- trying to map out a routine with my therapist (also so so, I’m finding it hard to stick to it, and we’ve been talking about other things recently)
- having my partner shake me awake if I fall asleep on the couch (doesn’t work)
- put a block on TikTok (I’ve removed it :’( )
- body double my partner (sometimes works, but he sleeps later than I do, so I fall asleep on the couch)
- yell at myself (also so so)
- try and be a little self compassionate and talk to myself like a little kid (I could be better about being consistent on this)
- if I had makeup wipes, I’d keep them on the coffee table but I need to find one that doesn’t irritate my skin
- set timers (after a while I ignore)
I know I likely won’t find one magical thing that will work and will have to try things differently every month or so. I feel ridiculous that this is so hard. But I’m suffering. My skin is awful, my jaw hurts, I’m getting horrible sleep, and it’s affecting work. I don’t want to keep doing this!
Any suggestions to get out of this loop would be great. Not super open to “just have more willpower” because I don’t think that’s how behavior change happens. But open to other things! Thank you.
So I started a new job (see previous questions) and transitioned from WFH (RIP to that lifestyle) to being in person fully with a commute. Update, the commute is really not bad! I’m glad I tried it and did not listen to Reddit.
The first week in my new job I was doing great (as I expected) — commuting actually seemed to help with my routine and forcing me to be “off” when I got home. I was prepping lunch, laying out outfits, doing my nighttime routine, and going to bed on time.
But (as I expected) it only lasted a week. The newness wore off.
I got back in the habit of my WFH routine where I would get done with work, collapse on the couch, forget to eat, and fall asleep without washing my face or brushing my teeth or wearing a CPAP. And I wake up feeling horrible and in pain and thus, start my day off badly. I don’t have time for breakfast, I haven’t picked out my outfit, I’m running late.
I’m so tired of being in this loop. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and I have pretty bad anxiety, but they both get exacerbated by my sleep apnea. The stimulants I’m trying work well for the day but crash me out when I feel like I need an extra boost (getting things done at night.) I feel like that meme where it’s a person begging their brain to please start something and it says “no” and then ask what about finishing something and it also says “no.”
The factors I think are adding to this: I have a new job that I started less than a month ago, that I moved across the country less than a couple months ago, my partner has been sick, and I’m working another job in the evening (probably the biggest contributor.)
When I get home at 5, I prepare to work a role in a caring profession from 6-9pm. So I’m beat. My brain can only think of wanting to watch tiktok and fall asleep on the couch after, even though I KNOW I want to take a shower. But showers are boring. I have to listen to a podcast to help me get through it. Which sounds ridiculous, I know. But my speaker is still packed away in a box somewhere. So then I feel less motivated to do it until I have to (the next morning when my face is itchy from makeup.)
I will finish my second job next week and be able to only work one job for the next few months, which I’m so excited about! I will have more time to relax! And workout!
In the meantime though, I’m afraid I still won’t be able to get out of this loop, even after I quit that job. In the past, I will have streaks of being on top of it and then stop. Learning about neurodivergence, I recognize that my consistency may not look like doing the same thing every day. But if I could just get the majority of the days where I wash my face, brush my teeth, and at least use my night guard if I can’t lay in bed to use my CPAP, I would feel tremendously better.
Here are things I have tried:
- shaming myself (so so results)
- trying to map out a routine with my therapist (also so so, I’m finding it hard to stick to it, and we’ve been talking about other things recently)
- having my partner shake me awake if I fall asleep on the couch (doesn’t work)
- put a block on TikTok (I’ve removed it :’( )
- body double my partner (sometimes works, but he sleeps later than I do, so I fall asleep on the couch)
- yell at myself (also so so)
- try and be a little self compassionate and talk to myself like a little kid (I could be better about being consistent on this)
- if I had makeup wipes, I’d keep them on the coffee table but I need to find one that doesn’t irritate my skin
- set timers (after a while I ignore)
I know I likely won’t find one magical thing that will work and will have to try things differently every month or so. I feel ridiculous that this is so hard. But I’m suffering. My skin is awful, my jaw hurts, I’m getting horrible sleep, and it’s affecting work. I don’t want to keep doing this!
Any suggestions to get out of this loop would be great. Not super open to “just have more willpower” because I don’t think that’s how behavior change happens. But open to other things! Thank you.
Wow, it sounds like you have a LOT on your plate! You're trying to do it all perfectly, and now - add in the new job and commute tiredeness, it's just overwhelm.
Totally get that "new job, new me" vibe, so nice to feel "I'm doing it all!" - but remember, that not doing it all perfectly does not mean you are not, in fact, still doing everything you can.
What you've tried seems to mainly be shouting and/or cajoling yourself, like as long as the output is sorted, nothing else matters.
But you're also saying that some parts of this do matter more (like cleaning your face can't wait, but working out more can wait til you go down to 1 job?) so that's you telling you what to focus your attention on. Listen! Let the rest slide. Even after you go down to 1 job you don't have to pick it all up instantly.
I tend to prioritise in this order
posted by london explorer girl at 7:33 AM on July 24
Totally get that "new job, new me" vibe, so nice to feel "I'm doing it all!" - but remember, that not doing it all perfectly does not mean you are not, in fact, still doing everything you can.
What you've tried seems to mainly be shouting and/or cajoling yourself, like as long as the output is sorted, nothing else matters.
But you're also saying that some parts of this do matter more (like cleaning your face can't wait, but working out more can wait til you go down to 1 job?) so that's you telling you what to focus your attention on. Listen! Let the rest slide. Even after you go down to 1 job you don't have to pick it all up instantly.
I tend to prioritise in this order
- 1. Things that if you don't do, make more mental overhead for you e.g. picking clothes
- 2. Things that if you do do them, increase your capacity e.g. sleeping
- 3. Things that can start to weigh on you over time e.g. that you just work and sort your life so you can work more
posted by london explorer girl at 7:33 AM on July 24
I have been diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, and I have a similarly hard time maintaining habits, especially in the evenings. The only thing that works for me -- and so far it has worked for over a year -- is having a home assistant (in my case Amazon's Alexa) give me reminders for things. I use the "follow-up" function for some really important things (like "do evening checklist" for which I have a written checklist on my wall), which means that Alexa reminds me again and again to do the thing until I tell her that I have completed it. There are still evenings when I screw it all up, but I am able to follow it 80% of the time, which makes such a huge improvement in my life.
One thing that makes it work for me is that I keep it super bare bones. I don't have it remind me of every little thing (so I get a reminder to "do evening checklist" instead of one to clean the kitchen, one to wash my face, etc.). And I only use it for the things I MUST DO. Sure, it would be nice if I tidied a closet or read a book chapter or whatever, but it's important that these reminders be things that I must do, rather than things I have a choice about (like cleaning out a closet or doing a load of laundry).
posted by OrangeDisk at 7:38 AM on July 24 [1 favorite]
One thing that makes it work for me is that I keep it super bare bones. I don't have it remind me of every little thing (so I get a reminder to "do evening checklist" instead of one to clean the kitchen, one to wash my face, etc.). And I only use it for the things I MUST DO. Sure, it would be nice if I tidied a closet or read a book chapter or whatever, but it's important that these reminders be things that I must do, rather than things I have a choice about (like cleaning out a closet or doing a load of laundry).
posted by OrangeDisk at 7:38 AM on July 24 [1 favorite]
Hard agree with slateyness - you are in a very high-stress period right now, what with having two jobs AND starting a new job/commute which is always an adjustment, and it should get significantly easier next week.
If you want to try ONE thing this week I would say make the couch off-limits - just go straight to bed. "But it's only 9! But I haven't washed my face and brushed my teeth!" I mean realistically your choices are "don't wash face/brush teeth/shower and sleep on the couch" and "don't wash face/brush teeth/shower and sleep in bed with CPAP" and it seems to me like the second option, while not ideal, is preferable to the first.
posted by mskyle at 7:38 AM on July 24 [12 favorites]
If you want to try ONE thing this week I would say make the couch off-limits - just go straight to bed. "But it's only 9! But I haven't washed my face and brushed my teeth!" I mean realistically your choices are "don't wash face/brush teeth/shower and sleep on the couch" and "don't wash face/brush teeth/shower and sleep in bed with CPAP" and it seems to me like the second option, while not ideal, is preferable to the first.
posted by mskyle at 7:38 AM on July 24 [12 favorites]
Stand your couch cushions up on edge to make it less appealing. :7) It will steer you to the bed, and the blessed CPAP.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:54 AM on July 24 [1 favorite]
posted by wenestvedt at 7:54 AM on July 24 [1 favorite]
Yes, I would make this a "pick one single habit to focus on" thing, and I'd make that sleeping with the CPAP, any way that needs to happen. maybe it's "the couch is off limits after work, any TikTok time happens in bed." Hell, maybe it's "for a couple of weeks the CPAP moves into the living room so you can just slap it on your face as you fall asleep." Wouldn't recommend that long term, but if it gets you enough rest that you can use it to jumpstart the next step where you actually sleep in bed, so be it.
But I do also think that if you're literally done with your second job *next week* and this all sounds insurmountable, it would not be the end of the world to just do what you're doing for one more week and start your new 'sleep in bed' regime next week.
posted by Stacey at 8:22 AM on July 24
But I do also think that if you're literally done with your second job *next week* and this all sounds insurmountable, it would not be the end of the world to just do what you're doing for one more week and start your new 'sleep in bed' regime next week.
posted by Stacey at 8:22 AM on July 24
I got back in the habit of my WFH routine where I would get done with work, collapse on the couch, forget to eat, and fall asleep without washing my face or brushing my teeth or wearing a CPAP. And I wake up feeling horrible and in pain and thus, start my day off badly.
I wrote the below but on preview: I agree with the comments that say breathing is probably higher priority than back aches, so if couch+CPAP is more realistic for you than bed+CPAP, accept the couch for now.
If you do want to prioritize your back:
At least for now, while working your second job - go straight to your bedroom when you get home, do not sit on couch, do not collect couch-hundred dollars.
Once you're in your bedroom, you're allowed to just collapse on the bed and sleep. Even if it's not optimal, it's much less not-optimal than collapsing on the couch.
If you want to increase optimality a little, have some things waiting for you right near or on your bed:
- your CPAP machine
- a snack and water bottle
- some face wipes, or if you want to get classy an old-fashioned ewer, bowl, and cloth
Having those things laid out implies a certain level of organization so I wouldn't even think about it the first few days - just focus on sleeping on your bed right now. No need to get anything else done. Once you've done that two or three times, either keep doing it as is, or use the weekend to set up some water bottles and face wipes or whatever. Or ask your partner to do it if they can.
Your teeth can wait until morning.
If you go this route, maybe pile up some bulky heavy crap on your couch so instead of being the most comfortable target for collapse when you get home, you'd have to first move all the stuff off the couch in order to use it and your exhausted brain is more likely to reroute to your bed.
Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up about it. People collapse for a reason.
posted by trig at 8:39 AM on July 24 [3 favorites]
I wrote the below but on preview: I agree with the comments that say breathing is probably higher priority than back aches, so if couch+CPAP is more realistic for you than bed+CPAP, accept the couch for now.
If you do want to prioritize your back:
At least for now, while working your second job - go straight to your bedroom when you get home, do not sit on couch, do not collect couch-hundred dollars.
Once you're in your bedroom, you're allowed to just collapse on the bed and sleep. Even if it's not optimal, it's much less not-optimal than collapsing on the couch.
If you want to increase optimality a little, have some things waiting for you right near or on your bed:
- your CPAP machine
- a snack and water bottle
- some face wipes, or if you want to get classy an old-fashioned ewer, bowl, and cloth
Having those things laid out implies a certain level of organization so I wouldn't even think about it the first few days - just focus on sleeping on your bed right now. No need to get anything else done. Once you've done that two or three times, either keep doing it as is, or use the weekend to set up some water bottles and face wipes or whatever. Or ask your partner to do it if they can.
Your teeth can wait until morning.
If you go this route, maybe pile up some bulky heavy crap on your couch so instead of being the most comfortable target for collapse when you get home, you'd have to first move all the stuff off the couch in order to use it and your exhausted brain is more likely to reroute to your bed.
Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up about it. People collapse for a reason.
posted by trig at 8:39 AM on July 24 [3 favorites]
Also, in the meantime for aches look up some quick stretches you can do in an odd minute or two during the day. Here are some exercises that might help a bit with the jaw pain. Note that they mention trigger point massage - you can experiment with that by palpating along the muscles in your jaw and neck to see if you find any spots that hurt with "exquisite pain", and if so massage them deeply (i.e. painfully) for a few seconds each, a few times a day.
posted by trig at 11:39 AM on July 24
posted by trig at 11:39 AM on July 24
You're working 55 hours/week, during Monday - Friday, and have a long commute? And this ends in another week? Go as easy on yourself as you can. Power through. You are almost done. Don't beat yourself up. This schedule sounds exhausting.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:32 PM on July 24 [1 favorite]
posted by bluedaisy at 12:32 PM on July 24 [1 favorite]
Body doubling could help you do some one-time tasks like unpacking enough to find that speaker, and researching skin wipes. Doesn't have to be someone in person. If you mention here what time zone you're in, probably one of us would be happy to MeMail you about it and set up a phone call or video call.
posted by brainwane at 9:10 AM on July 25
posted by brainwane at 9:10 AM on July 25
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You’re working so many hours, OF COURSE you’re tired at the end of the day. I wouldn’t expect you to have the energy to do all the things you want after long work-days like that and a commute.
People will give you great advice on this thread, I’m sure. Don’t try to implement it until next week. Tough through this week, sleeping on couch as needed.
posted by slateyness at 7:30 AM on July 24 [7 favorites]