Only Love Can Break Your Heart
July 18, 2024 4:17 PM Subscribe
My girlfriend and I are going to have to break up soon.
Two years ago, I had recently separated after over 15 years of marriage. My marriage had been full of anger and yelling, and I felt relief that it was over. I started thinking about dating again and finding a relationship, at least a casual one.
I met someone. The paths of our lives crossed, and I asked her out after a few weeks of knowing her. A couple of months later we had fallen in love. She hadn’t been with anyone since her own unhappy marriage ended 10 years previous and didn’t know if she’d ever feel comfortable trusting a man again.
We embarked upon a fulfilling relationship. We don’t live together but are committed. We spend nights together two or three times a week and text frequently.
She is European and arrived in the US on a one-year work visa. She decided to come for new experiences and the opportunity to live elsewhere. Because of our relationship and because she generally likes her life here (but not her job), she decided to renew her contract for a second year and now a third. The third year begins once she gets back from her summer holiday in Europe. But she won’t be able to renew again. Three years is the limit, and she will have to leave.
I’m posting because I would like insight into two questions I have. First, how should I think about this final year?
I want us to enjoy our time together. I don’t want it to be overshadowed by the sadness of breaking up and a clock ticking down. We don’t really talk much about our impending separation. It’s not a fun topic of conversation, and what’s there to say anyway? At the same time, it’s an elephant in the room, and it needs to be addressed in some way. But I don’t know how. I want to find a mindset of equanimity about it, to be able to reassure my girlfriend and myself. I don’t know what that mindset would look like.
And then, what should happen to our relationship once she departs?
Will it just end, and then we never see each other again? That doesn’t seem right. But at the same time, I don’t want to have an international long-distance relationship with no reunion in sight. Sure, we could travel abroad to see each other, but it would be for short trips and not often. Neither of us has the money or time for frequent international travel. It wouldn’t be enough to sustain our relationship.
Would we keep up by sending WhatsApp messages to each other until our presence in each other’s lives faded? Or wouldn’t it be better to end things cleanly so we can mourn and move on? But I’d miss her if I’d never heard from her again. I’d like to know how she’s doing. Maybe far in the future, we could reunite somehow? That would be a long time away, if ever. I wouldn’t want to put my life on hold. And I don’t think either of us would want to hear about any new romances.
It’s not possible for me to live in her country. I have my two kids to raise. I wouldn’t want to uproot them, and I have shared custody. Also, my job is in person.
Marriage would solve visa issues for her to stay in the US and find other work, but my divorce was just finalized a few months ago. I don’t want to get remarried, at least no time soon. Besides, she wouldn’t want to live in the US permanently. She has adult children back home to whom she’s quite close, has friends and other family, as well as a house.
Again, my questions are what would be an ideal attitude to have for this upcoming year together, and what should our breakup look like?
Two years ago, I had recently separated after over 15 years of marriage. My marriage had been full of anger and yelling, and I felt relief that it was over. I started thinking about dating again and finding a relationship, at least a casual one.
I met someone. The paths of our lives crossed, and I asked her out after a few weeks of knowing her. A couple of months later we had fallen in love. She hadn’t been with anyone since her own unhappy marriage ended 10 years previous and didn’t know if she’d ever feel comfortable trusting a man again.
We embarked upon a fulfilling relationship. We don’t live together but are committed. We spend nights together two or three times a week and text frequently.
She is European and arrived in the US on a one-year work visa. She decided to come for new experiences and the opportunity to live elsewhere. Because of our relationship and because she generally likes her life here (but not her job), she decided to renew her contract for a second year and now a third. The third year begins once she gets back from her summer holiday in Europe. But she won’t be able to renew again. Three years is the limit, and she will have to leave.
I’m posting because I would like insight into two questions I have. First, how should I think about this final year?
I want us to enjoy our time together. I don’t want it to be overshadowed by the sadness of breaking up and a clock ticking down. We don’t really talk much about our impending separation. It’s not a fun topic of conversation, and what’s there to say anyway? At the same time, it’s an elephant in the room, and it needs to be addressed in some way. But I don’t know how. I want to find a mindset of equanimity about it, to be able to reassure my girlfriend and myself. I don’t know what that mindset would look like.
And then, what should happen to our relationship once she departs?
Will it just end, and then we never see each other again? That doesn’t seem right. But at the same time, I don’t want to have an international long-distance relationship with no reunion in sight. Sure, we could travel abroad to see each other, but it would be for short trips and not often. Neither of us has the money or time for frequent international travel. It wouldn’t be enough to sustain our relationship.
Would we keep up by sending WhatsApp messages to each other until our presence in each other’s lives faded? Or wouldn’t it be better to end things cleanly so we can mourn and move on? But I’d miss her if I’d never heard from her again. I’d like to know how she’s doing. Maybe far in the future, we could reunite somehow? That would be a long time away, if ever. I wouldn’t want to put my life on hold. And I don’t think either of us would want to hear about any new romances.
It’s not possible for me to live in her country. I have my two kids to raise. I wouldn’t want to uproot them, and I have shared custody. Also, my job is in person.
Marriage would solve visa issues for her to stay in the US and find other work, but my divorce was just finalized a few months ago. I don’t want to get remarried, at least no time soon. Besides, she wouldn’t want to live in the US permanently. She has adult children back home to whom she’s quite close, has friends and other family, as well as a house.
Again, my questions are what would be an ideal attitude to have for this upcoming year together, and what should our breakup look like?
Seconding not thinking about it as final. Just enjoy being together while you can. Nothing is concrete about the future anyway.
It's tough when there are kids involved in situations like this and you obviously have to place them ahead of your girlfriend, but the thing is, kids grow up and, depending on how old they are now, it's not impossible to look forward to a time where they won't need you as much. Don't give up on a future together just yet.
posted by dg at 4:45 PM on July 18
It's tough when there are kids involved in situations like this and you obviously have to place them ahead of your girlfriend, but the thing is, kids grow up and, depending on how old they are now, it's not impossible to look forward to a time where they won't need you as much. Don't give up on a future together just yet.
posted by dg at 4:45 PM on July 18
First, how should I think about this final year?
I want us to enjoy our time together. I don’t want it to be overshadowed by the sadness of breaking up and a clock ticking down.
I would spend more time thinking about how impermanent everything is. Nothing is guaranteed. You aren't guaranteed this year together - she could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Learning to enjoy things despite the fact that they'll end is a necessary part of life. Think of this as good practice.
And then, what should happen to our relationship once she departs?
I don't think that has to be a decision you make now. Why not see what happens naturally if you don't try to force anything?
posted by wheatlets at 4:50 PM on July 18 [2 favorites]
I want us to enjoy our time together. I don’t want it to be overshadowed by the sadness of breaking up and a clock ticking down.
I would spend more time thinking about how impermanent everything is. Nothing is guaranteed. You aren't guaranteed this year together - she could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Learning to enjoy things despite the fact that they'll end is a necessary part of life. Think of this as good practice.
And then, what should happen to our relationship once she departs?
I don't think that has to be a decision you make now. Why not see what happens naturally if you don't try to force anything?
posted by wheatlets at 4:50 PM on July 18 [2 favorites]
It feels like you're making assumptions. One assumption is is that neither of you would be willing to move to the other country, once you reach that point. Maybe you're both dead set against it now, but now is not the same as the future. Life happens, circumstances change. Maybe neither of you will want to move, but maybe one of you will. You don't know yet. Another assumption is the only way you could be in the same place are either you move to her country or you get married. What if there is another arrangement that could work for both of you? (And honestly, you may break up before then for unrelated reasons and all of this becomes moot.)
By the way, most important of all, have you brought any of this up with her? Maybe she just assumes it will end when she moves, or maybe she is already looking for ways to stay beyond the visa ending. Just talk to her and see what she thinks. People often see dating and marriage as a partnership, so maybe you should be partners in figuring out what the future holds.
posted by Meldanthral at 5:39 PM on July 18 [3 favorites]
By the way, most important of all, have you brought any of this up with her? Maybe she just assumes it will end when she moves, or maybe she is already looking for ways to stay beyond the visa ending. Just talk to her and see what she thinks. People often see dating and marriage as a partnership, so maybe you should be partners in figuring out what the future holds.
posted by Meldanthral at 5:39 PM on July 18 [3 favorites]
Best answer: You really should be asking her all the things you just asked us. What does she want? You don't have to want the same things, but it's helpful to know the other person's wishes, hopes, desires, intentions, dreams.
Meanwhile, she will doubtless be considering the same questions while she is away. When she gets home, you may get a sense of where her thoughts have led.
Give her time to adjust and get over the jetlag before you discuss it.
Planning for the future puts a weight on relationships that not all relationships can stand. You don't have to deal with that weight. Sometimes finitude is good.
If I were choosing for you, I'd say: for a year, give her your best. Love her well. At the end of the year, trust that love to tell you what you need to do.
posted by Pallas Athena at 5:41 PM on July 18 [8 favorites]
Meanwhile, she will doubtless be considering the same questions while she is away. When she gets home, you may get a sense of where her thoughts have led.
Give her time to adjust and get over the jetlag before you discuss it.
Planning for the future puts a weight on relationships that not all relationships can stand. You don't have to deal with that weight. Sometimes finitude is good.
If I were choosing for you, I'd say: for a year, give her your best. Love her well. At the end of the year, trust that love to tell you what you need to do.
posted by Pallas Athena at 5:41 PM on July 18 [8 favorites]
A year is a very long time. I think you are borrowing trouble by worrying about this now.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:36 PM on July 18 [10 favorites]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:36 PM on July 18 [10 favorites]
Best answer: As others have said, please enjoy this time together... but definitely ask her how she is feeling about her transition that is to come at the end of the year, and how she envisions herself experiencing it. If it's hard for her to express it, then perhaps focus on asking her the practical things involved in the move. Ask her to describe what she's most looking forward to after the years away. Ask her what may be the most difficult for her to shift gears into. Get an idea of what she expects to do with her life once she is back in her home country. You may find that she is looking forward to reconnecting and reestablishing relationships in a less formal way than visiting once in a while provides. Perhaps she doesn't want to think about it, but it would be helpful for a smoother transition. Maybe you could encourage her to think of what she wants to experience BEFORE she leaves the country, and help her to make those things happen - even if they are things she wants to experience alone.
You could then be honest and forthcoming about how you cannot leave your children, and have no desire to switch countries, but that you care and would like to hear updates from her from time to time - not staying in as close of contact, but why not for the first week or two, or even a little longer? Perhaps sharing snail mail addresses would be a better way to continue contact - as it would take a little more effort, and the responses wouldn't be as immediate. Life has a way of happening in the breaks between - so that much of what may be written would be moot by the time a letter has been received and replied to... but with technology being what it is, if there were a reason to respond more quickly (vital importance/need to evacuate/may be cut off otherwise) then that is a possibility... but if the goal is to allow both of you to move on with your lives, the slower means of communication may be preferred.
You could also start to think of how you may see your own life (which you may not be doing as of yet), and how you may spend the early days of being separate - how you may go for walks or distract yourself otherwise, what interests you may develop... and share those with her if you like.
posted by itsflyable at 7:37 PM on July 18 [1 favorite]
You could then be honest and forthcoming about how you cannot leave your children, and have no desire to switch countries, but that you care and would like to hear updates from her from time to time - not staying in as close of contact, but why not for the first week or two, or even a little longer? Perhaps sharing snail mail addresses would be a better way to continue contact - as it would take a little more effort, and the responses wouldn't be as immediate. Life has a way of happening in the breaks between - so that much of what may be written would be moot by the time a letter has been received and replied to... but with technology being what it is, if there were a reason to respond more quickly (vital importance/need to evacuate/may be cut off otherwise) then that is a possibility... but if the goal is to allow both of you to move on with your lives, the slower means of communication may be preferred.
You could also start to think of how you may see your own life (which you may not be doing as of yet), and how you may spend the early days of being separate - how you may go for walks or distract yourself otherwise, what interests you may develop... and share those with her if you like.
posted by itsflyable at 7:37 PM on July 18 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you’re assuming breaking up means going no contact. Even speaking as someone who generally has gone very firmly no-contact after a breakup, that’s not the only possibility. I have several friends who are close to their exes. Sometimes it was a matter of not being in touch for a bit, sometimes it was staying in touch but keeping firm limits on how they communicated - it’s possible to allow your relationship to change into friendship, if you want it to.
Talk to your girlfriend. Let her know this is on your mind. Hear how she’s thinking about it. You don’t have to make this the focus of your time together, but be open to ongoing conversation about it as it comes up. You’re both going to be okay. It’s not fun to be sad, but it’s not insurmountable. You will always be an important part of each others’ lives whether or not you’re able to be together in the future.
I would say the best attitude to approach this with is: “I have right now with this person. How do I make this the best right now it can be for both of us?” It’s impossible to plan for a year in a relationship, it’s impossible to expect that this year can be perfect. You’ll have great days and terrible ones, separately and together. There will be sad, bittersweet and joyful moments. But if you can do the best you can with what you have in the moment, you’ll be honoring your relationship, not throttling it, or mourning it in advance. Enjoy what you have now, nothing beyond this moment is guaranteed.
posted by Hark! A Sock Puppet at 7:49 PM on July 18
Talk to your girlfriend. Let her know this is on your mind. Hear how she’s thinking about it. You don’t have to make this the focus of your time together, but be open to ongoing conversation about it as it comes up. You’re both going to be okay. It’s not fun to be sad, but it’s not insurmountable. You will always be an important part of each others’ lives whether or not you’re able to be together in the future.
I would say the best attitude to approach this with is: “I have right now with this person. How do I make this the best right now it can be for both of us?” It’s impossible to plan for a year in a relationship, it’s impossible to expect that this year can be perfect. You’ll have great days and terrible ones, separately and together. There will be sad, bittersweet and joyful moments. But if you can do the best you can with what you have in the moment, you’ll be honoring your relationship, not throttling it, or mourning it in advance. Enjoy what you have now, nothing beyond this moment is guaranteed.
posted by Hark! A Sock Puppet at 7:49 PM on July 18
what do you want to have happen? Are you deeply in love and want to be together? Do you want to find work in Europe if possible? Or marry and try to get her a spouse option? I don't hear any of that. You have a pleasant relationship. You can visit from time to time if you want. See what happens, maybe research the options, enjoy what you have while you have it.
posted by theora55 at 9:36 PM on July 18
posted by theora55 at 9:36 PM on July 18
You’ve got a whole year ahead of you.
A LOT can happen in a year.
Your brain is trying to protect you from the possibility of future hurt by making a plan. But you don’t seem to have enough information to make a plan.
I don’t know the answer. I mean, people have always told me “just relax and see where it goes!” And I’ve always found it impossible and confusing advice. If you *can* chill out and let things unfold naturally, then definitely do that. Write down all of your burning questions and schedule a time to consider them in maybe 6 months. When you find yourself worrying about it, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you have time scheduled for that.
That said, I think it does make sense to check in with your paramour regularly to see if you are in the same page, and what you are each open to.
If you have anxiety, it might help to work on managing that.
posted by bunderful at 6:48 AM on July 19
A LOT can happen in a year.
Your brain is trying to protect you from the possibility of future hurt by making a plan. But you don’t seem to have enough information to make a plan.
I don’t know the answer. I mean, people have always told me “just relax and see where it goes!” And I’ve always found it impossible and confusing advice. If you *can* chill out and let things unfold naturally, then definitely do that. Write down all of your burning questions and schedule a time to consider them in maybe 6 months. When you find yourself worrying about it, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you have time scheduled for that.
That said, I think it does make sense to check in with your paramour regularly to see if you are in the same page, and what you are each open to.
If you have anxiety, it might help to work on managing that.
posted by bunderful at 6:48 AM on July 19
In your shoes, I’d try to see this as a year of love. I was thinking of the Amish rumspringa which just means adolescence but also means a time when teens are allowed into some of the adult activities of the community but not held as accountable for their actions. I think this is your chance to be with someone you know and love already, and do aaaalll the things without worry trying you’ll have to keep them up, or top them again next year. Spend all day in bed! Go on an amazing trip! Leave goofy notes. Speak from the heart. Do it all man.
If you’re asking how to avoid pain…you can’t. When the parting comes (as it does for everyone one way or another unless you die together) it will hurt. May as well have all. The. Joy. first.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:21 AM on July 19 [3 favorites]
If you’re asking how to avoid pain…you can’t. When the parting comes (as it does for everyone one way or another unless you die together) it will hurt. May as well have all. The. Joy. first.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:21 AM on July 19 [3 favorites]
I can see how you might be avoiding this conversation with her because it makes you both sad, but having this conversation with us won't solve any of your problems. What if you adopt a mindset that you want a complete break because that will be easier and she adopts the mindset that you should hang onto whatever you have as long as you can even if that's just texting each other silly memes every day?
Look for ways to have that difficult conversation, to understand what you both think will work for you but also to learn how to communicate with each other openly about hard things so that when the actual reality of long distance relationship or no contact or fond reminiscing twice a year on your birthdays or whatever you choose ends up hurting in a different way than you expected you have a base of communication on which to build.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:28 AM on July 19
Look for ways to have that difficult conversation, to understand what you both think will work for you but also to learn how to communicate with each other openly about hard things so that when the actual reality of long distance relationship or no contact or fond reminiscing twice a year on your birthdays or whatever you choose ends up hurting in a different way than you expected you have a base of communication on which to build.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:28 AM on July 19
I'm going to echo others: She's here for another year and a lot can happen in a year.
I have a friend who maintained a trans-Atlantic relationship for 7 or 8 years. Now, some of that the pandemic but it was also she had children, he had a child and immigration. They made it work, though. (She's now here & they're married).
My long-term boyfriend also moved to Europe last year, and we knew it was coming for a bit (less than a year but maybe 6 months). (We're both from the U.S.) For a variety of reasons, it wasn't possible for me to follow him (and I didn't really want to). We're technically not together anymore, but it's more of an open ending. We're still in touch and we still see each other when he's back in the U.S.
I think too many people get hung up on the idea that relationships need to be forever or can only be one certain way. You've enjoyed your time with her and you still can continue to do so. It's not over yet at all.
posted by edencosmic at 12:57 PM on July 19
I have a friend who maintained a trans-Atlantic relationship for 7 or 8 years. Now, some of that the pandemic but it was also she had children, he had a child and immigration. They made it work, though. (She's now here & they're married).
My long-term boyfriend also moved to Europe last year, and we knew it was coming for a bit (less than a year but maybe 6 months). (We're both from the U.S.) For a variety of reasons, it wasn't possible for me to follow him (and I didn't really want to). We're technically not together anymore, but it's more of an open ending. We're still in touch and we still see each other when he's back in the U.S.
I think too many people get hung up on the idea that relationships need to be forever or can only be one certain way. You've enjoyed your time with her and you still can continue to do so. It's not over yet at all.
posted by edencosmic at 12:57 PM on July 19
Best answer: The sweetest, most loving and painless breakup I ever had was when my boyfriend and I were both moving away to pursue different life paths, and we knew we didn't want to do a long distance thing - it wasn't a marriage kind of relationship. In the last month or so before our departures, we each started naturally focusing on the things that were to become bigger parts of our lives in the future: packing, planning, new hobbies, trying to find communities and friends in our new spaces.
A week or two before the "oh no have to break up" date, we reached out to each other and realized we had kind of lost touch and stopped acting relationship-y and honestly we were basically split up already. So we had a chat to acknowledge that and wished each other well.
So: I recommend as the date approaches that you start looking to your future. Are there projects you want to dive in to more? Communities you want to be part of, places you want to go, friends you want to reconnect with? The more you dig yourself in on SPENDING ALL THE TIME, the sharper the transition will be, and the more pain you'll have when you go reach for that connection and suddenly find it missing. Letting yourself appreciate and enjoy but focus on building your "after" will help make sure you have somewhere to land.
posted by Lady Li at 1:33 PM on July 19 [1 favorite]
A week or two before the "oh no have to break up" date, we reached out to each other and realized we had kind of lost touch and stopped acting relationship-y and honestly we were basically split up already. So we had a chat to acknowledge that and wished each other well.
So: I recommend as the date approaches that you start looking to your future. Are there projects you want to dive in to more? Communities you want to be part of, places you want to go, friends you want to reconnect with? The more you dig yourself in on SPENDING ALL THE TIME, the sharper the transition will be, and the more pain you'll have when you go reach for that connection and suddenly find it missing. Letting yourself appreciate and enjoy but focus on building your "after" will help make sure you have somewhere to land.
posted by Lady Li at 1:33 PM on July 19 [1 favorite]
Well, either you get married or break up, and while I get that you don't want to get remarried any time soon, if you end up not wanting the relationship to end, you may have to. I realize it's outdated by her own life choices now, but Elizabeth Gilbert's "Committed" is the book she wrote when she realized she'd have to suck it up and marry her international boyfriend if she wanted the relationship to continue, and how she dealt with that. Might be worth a read.
However, I don't get the feeling that you two are all that...committed emotionally, I guess? You don't sound madly in love, more like you have been having a pleasant time for years. If that's the case, maybe it'll be easier for you both to transition to WhatsApp friends in a year.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:03 PM on July 19
However, I don't get the feeling that you two are all that...committed emotionally, I guess? You don't sound madly in love, more like you have been having a pleasant time for years. If that's the case, maybe it'll be easier for you both to transition to WhatsApp friends in a year.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:03 PM on July 19
Your model for this is your adult children.
What will the transition look like when your children finish growing up and go abroad to attend school and have careers? Your relationship with them will change, but your love for them will not change, and you will want them to be having their best lives, even though they can no longer live in your home.
This means taking an interest in where your girlfriend will be living and working when she leaves your country. This means finding a way to be delighted when she finds a gem of a place to live, and being disgusted and frustrated when the job interview costs add up and the jobs she interviews for feel iffy. It means casually talking to her about her health care transition situation so that she gets on the waiting list for a family doctor at the earliest opportunity.
You can't know how it's going to go after she leaves.
Maybe she's going to end up barely messaging you again as her life there takes off, but like if your kid goes into an intensive program and gets swamped with 60 plus hour a week work and school obligations, you don't get jealous and feel abandoned because you know that child is pursuing the life they have to. You can certainly be sad as hell and miss them, but you continue to glad for what little you hear. The house feels empty, you don't know what to do with the evenings you used to spend with them, but you also get to start wondering if you should save their old bedroom for a guest room, or if you can clear it out and turn it into your own workout space, or rent it out to help mitigate the local housing crisis, or if you will welcome someone new into your heart and if they can have the room.
Maybe the rest of your life will pass in a blur of sleep deprivation because not only do you send each other texts everyday, but falling into a four hour face time with her every night feels totally natural and while she putters in the kitchen getting her supper, you sit up with her laughing and discussing your impossible supervisor at work, and the really cool street market where she is buying her vegetables, and while Google is doomed to collapse and the best shoes for someone with corns. And it feels so natural you just can't stop doing it, despite time zones meaning you are having that face time with her from two AM to six AM every night.
More likely it will be something in between - initially there will be lots of texts and times spent talking about what's new and novel, which will taper off as new things happen to both of you which aren't really exciting enough to share, and the new things take up more and more of your time, but you still stick to a routine, like a two hour face time, Thursday nights, for the next decade. But right now you don't know what the relationship will be like - you only know you love her now, and you will still love her later, and that you want her new life back in her old country to be the most wonderful life she can have.
The transition this year is like the transition the year before a child launches. You check if they are going to stock up on those socks the were amazed and overjoyed to find in your country, you discuss deal breakers on the prospective flat they are hoping to find. And if they say that they are going to miss you like they would miss their right arm, you reply that the two of you will both be one armed people in rehab relearning how to do the simplest things in life. But if they don't mention how much they are going to miss you, you tell them bravely that you will miss them, in case they need to hear it, and don't make a big deal about it. It's even possible that as they look outward you will hear signs that they aren't even thinking that they will miss you at all, they are so ready to go, so much looking outward that they are longing to be out there - and in that case you show enthusiasm for the joy they are feeling and share that as much as you can, and don't lean on them with your emotional needs because it's time to let them go.
You don't rush out of the house to get someone pregnant when your child leaves home, so no, you aren't going to rush out of the house to find a new lover to replace her. You might meet someone new and it might happen. You can't plan what you will do after they are gone because you already know. You'll work the same job and live in the same home. If you change homes the decision to move will be economic, or it will be because of the neighbourhood and the commute. You won't change much. You might never have another relationship, or she might be the first of the five serious post-marriage relationships that you have in your lifetime. You won't know until the opportunities either present themselves or else they don't.
You'll only know what will happen after she goes back to her home country when it does happen. You can't know now. Too many factors make it impossible to predict. You have to just wait and see, and plan to either roll with it, or appreciate it, depending on how it turns out.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:34 AM on July 20 [3 favorites]
What will the transition look like when your children finish growing up and go abroad to attend school and have careers? Your relationship with them will change, but your love for them will not change, and you will want them to be having their best lives, even though they can no longer live in your home.
This means taking an interest in where your girlfriend will be living and working when she leaves your country. This means finding a way to be delighted when she finds a gem of a place to live, and being disgusted and frustrated when the job interview costs add up and the jobs she interviews for feel iffy. It means casually talking to her about her health care transition situation so that she gets on the waiting list for a family doctor at the earliest opportunity.
You can't know how it's going to go after she leaves.
Maybe she's going to end up barely messaging you again as her life there takes off, but like if your kid goes into an intensive program and gets swamped with 60 plus hour a week work and school obligations, you don't get jealous and feel abandoned because you know that child is pursuing the life they have to. You can certainly be sad as hell and miss them, but you continue to glad for what little you hear. The house feels empty, you don't know what to do with the evenings you used to spend with them, but you also get to start wondering if you should save their old bedroom for a guest room, or if you can clear it out and turn it into your own workout space, or rent it out to help mitigate the local housing crisis, or if you will welcome someone new into your heart and if they can have the room.
Maybe the rest of your life will pass in a blur of sleep deprivation because not only do you send each other texts everyday, but falling into a four hour face time with her every night feels totally natural and while she putters in the kitchen getting her supper, you sit up with her laughing and discussing your impossible supervisor at work, and the really cool street market where she is buying her vegetables, and while Google is doomed to collapse and the best shoes for someone with corns. And it feels so natural you just can't stop doing it, despite time zones meaning you are having that face time with her from two AM to six AM every night.
More likely it will be something in between - initially there will be lots of texts and times spent talking about what's new and novel, which will taper off as new things happen to both of you which aren't really exciting enough to share, and the new things take up more and more of your time, but you still stick to a routine, like a two hour face time, Thursday nights, for the next decade. But right now you don't know what the relationship will be like - you only know you love her now, and you will still love her later, and that you want her new life back in her old country to be the most wonderful life she can have.
The transition this year is like the transition the year before a child launches. You check if they are going to stock up on those socks the were amazed and overjoyed to find in your country, you discuss deal breakers on the prospective flat they are hoping to find. And if they say that they are going to miss you like they would miss their right arm, you reply that the two of you will both be one armed people in rehab relearning how to do the simplest things in life. But if they don't mention how much they are going to miss you, you tell them bravely that you will miss them, in case they need to hear it, and don't make a big deal about it. It's even possible that as they look outward you will hear signs that they aren't even thinking that they will miss you at all, they are so ready to go, so much looking outward that they are longing to be out there - and in that case you show enthusiasm for the joy they are feeling and share that as much as you can, and don't lean on them with your emotional needs because it's time to let them go.
You don't rush out of the house to get someone pregnant when your child leaves home, so no, you aren't going to rush out of the house to find a new lover to replace her. You might meet someone new and it might happen. You can't plan what you will do after they are gone because you already know. You'll work the same job and live in the same home. If you change homes the decision to move will be economic, or it will be because of the neighbourhood and the commute. You won't change much. You might never have another relationship, or she might be the first of the five serious post-marriage relationships that you have in your lifetime. You won't know until the opportunities either present themselves or else they don't.
You'll only know what will happen after she goes back to her home country when it does happen. You can't know now. Too many factors make it impossible to predict. You have to just wait and see, and plan to either roll with it, or appreciate it, depending on how it turns out.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:34 AM on July 20 [3 favorites]
Putting aside her potentially leaving in a year, what exactly do you *both* want with your relationship in the future? For you, do you want to be with her for the rest of your life, do you want to live together or live apart together (LAT), do you want to get married to her someday? Or maybe you don't want to meet her ever? Do you want to keep seeing her 2-3x/week and text a lot for the rest of your lives? What does she want?
So I think you need to have this clarifying conversation first and maybe open with "since you're going home in a year, what do you want to do with our relationship?" Maybe her answer will surprise you. Maybe she'll say she wants her company to sponsor her for another type of visa that leads to a green card (I'm not well-versed in how these things work) and her company can actually do that. Maybe she'll say that she wants to get married so she can stay in the US. You don't want to get married now, but what about a year from now? What if she goes home and when you feel more ready, you get married in a couple of years? But this is all moot if she doesn't want to live in the US and you want to stay where you are. But - this is why you need to have the clarifying conversation first about what you both want for your relationship. Or maybe she'll say she wants to break up as well.
If she wants to go home and never live in the US again and you want to stay where you are and not have an LDR, then yes, you will have to break up or at least transition to a new configuration of your relationship if you still want to have each other in your lives somehow. How your relationship could look after she leaves has been covered pretty well by the last few comments.
>my questions are what would be an ideal attitude to have for this upcoming year together, and what should our breakup look like?
Your questions assume that the breakup is inevitable. Maybe it is. But have the conversation first - maybe you can collaborate together on what the future will look like for both of you. That will guide you towards what this year and a potential breakup will look like.
posted by foxjacket at 7:32 AM on July 20 [2 favorites]
So I think you need to have this clarifying conversation first and maybe open with "since you're going home in a year, what do you want to do with our relationship?" Maybe her answer will surprise you. Maybe she'll say she wants her company to sponsor her for another type of visa that leads to a green card (I'm not well-versed in how these things work) and her company can actually do that. Maybe she'll say that she wants to get married so she can stay in the US. You don't want to get married now, but what about a year from now? What if she goes home and when you feel more ready, you get married in a couple of years? But this is all moot if she doesn't want to live in the US and you want to stay where you are. But - this is why you need to have the clarifying conversation first about what you both want for your relationship. Or maybe she'll say she wants to break up as well.
If she wants to go home and never live in the US again and you want to stay where you are and not have an LDR, then yes, you will have to break up or at least transition to a new configuration of your relationship if you still want to have each other in your lives somehow. How your relationship could look after she leaves has been covered pretty well by the last few comments.
>my questions are what would be an ideal attitude to have for this upcoming year together, and what should our breakup look like?
Your questions assume that the breakup is inevitable. Maybe it is. But have the conversation first - maybe you can collaborate together on what the future will look like for both of you. That will guide you towards what this year and a potential breakup will look like.
posted by foxjacket at 7:32 AM on July 20 [2 favorites]
I have the opposite opinion of the others - (gently) rip the band-aid off so you can both move on faster! You don't love her enough to want to be with her forever, and she needs to know this before she plans her life around it. Life is short and lingering in a non-optimal state is a waste of time. You can definitely stay friends and perhaps meet in a few years again and see where things are, but for now it sounds like parting is the best option. Maybe you or her or both will meet the perfect person that comes with perfect circumstances (no visa problems, marriage is possible etc), why prevent that possibility for a year?
posted by meepmeow at 11:09 AM on July 20 [2 favorites]
posted by meepmeow at 11:09 AM on July 20 [2 favorites]
Your question reminds me of a similar theme in a 1960's pop song: We'll Sing in the Sunshine.
posted by Xurando at 4:30 PM on July 20
posted by Xurando at 4:30 PM on July 20
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maybe drop 'final.' it's a year together, that's what's important. make the most of it!
posted by HearHere at 4:27 PM on July 18 [7 favorites]