Teaching emotional reslience
July 18, 2024 12:44 PM Subscribe
How do you teach a child emotional resilience without invalidating their feelings? Trying to help a sensitive tween who cries over a lot of small things, gets easily discouraged and hurt by minor inconveniences or offenses without telling them "it's just not that big a deal" or "just don't let it bother you". How do you be supportive, but at the same time teach them to be stronger in the face of life's (small) challenges?
My daughter was this way and, for the most part, I gave her room to have her big feelings and we talked about how those were ok but that she would be expected to handle her actions surrounding them. So if she got really angry about something, we talked about how she could go in her room and hit a pillow, or she could open and close her fists and clench them really tight to help dissipate some of that energy.
I think taking time to talk about it when the big feelings aren't happening is key. Something like, "hey, I know you had a hard time this afternoon with X, what do you think we could do differently next time to help you when you're feeling frustrated or sad about something." Also explaining to them that working through these things is a skill that can be built up, like learning how to ride a bike or learning how to sew or anything like that. The first few times you try a new strategy, it might be hard but after you've done it a few times, it can become second nature. I think just knowing that this is a 'thing' that people can learn how to handle better is really helpful to all involved.
posted by dawkins_7 at 1:07 PM on July 18 [5 favorites]
I think taking time to talk about it when the big feelings aren't happening is key. Something like, "hey, I know you had a hard time this afternoon with X, what do you think we could do differently next time to help you when you're feeling frustrated or sad about something." Also explaining to them that working through these things is a skill that can be built up, like learning how to ride a bike or learning how to sew or anything like that. The first few times you try a new strategy, it might be hard but after you've done it a few times, it can become second nature. I think just knowing that this is a 'thing' that people can learn how to handle better is really helpful to all involved.
posted by dawkins_7 at 1:07 PM on July 18 [5 favorites]
It helps to help them put minor inconveniences and/or offenses into context. So, like, if tween has a fight with a friend that is very much like the fight they had with a different friend, you can say, "Hey, remember that time with Bobby? And how you both decided you needed to sit down and talk about it? This situation with David reminds me of that. Do you think David would want to talk about it?" Or, if tween can't get that new iPhone, something like, "It's super hard when you can't get something you want immediately. Remember that time we couldn't get Taylor Swift tickets for her show two years ago but then we were able to go to Eras? Just because we can't get the iPhone today doesn't mean we won't get it at some point. What do you think would make the waiting easier?"
There's bound to be something in their life you can tie back into, or even something in your own life. Always frame it with, "It's totally okay to feel the way you feel. When you're ready to talk about it, I'll be in the family room/on the porch/etc." That way tween gets to have those big feelings, knows that you're there to help, and then comes up with a plan for dealing with Thing X.
posted by cooker girl at 1:10 PM on July 18 [2 favorites]
There's bound to be something in their life you can tie back into, or even something in your own life. Always frame it with, "It's totally okay to feel the way you feel. When you're ready to talk about it, I'll be in the family room/on the porch/etc." That way tween gets to have those big feelings, knows that you're there to help, and then comes up with a plan for dealing with Thing X.
posted by cooker girl at 1:10 PM on July 18 [2 favorites]
Find an activity that includes lots of no-stakes failure and struggle that they would generally like, find an adult you trust to coach them in that activity, and let that adult do this work. Baseball and softball are both great for this, if the teen would be interested; I would think golf and musical instruments would do the same. At the tween age, parents can sometimes do more for their child by stepping back and letting another adult impart wisdom. Tweens are kind of getting in to the age where they're not going to take your advice.
Boy, I hesitate to include this second paragraph, but every year, I swap books with my very conservative uncle, and one year, he had me read this book by Josh Hawley. Look, I am no Josh Hawley fan. Please don't give him any money. But some of his suggestions in this book may spark ideas for you that ring true to your child, and if you can get a free copy from the library, I would give it 10 minutes of flipping around the pages to see if you can spot anything that would be useful. (For example, one idea that sticks out to me now, many years later, is that he thought most children should have the experience of visiting people in the hospital who had either just brought life into the world or who were about to (peacefully) exit it at some point before they leave high school, to demystify the experiences of birth and death before those experiences become real for them in adulthood. That made sense to me, and is the sort of thing I would've instinctively probably wanted to protect my child from otherwise.)
posted by moosetracks at 1:12 PM on July 18 [4 favorites]
Boy, I hesitate to include this second paragraph, but every year, I swap books with my very conservative uncle, and one year, he had me read this book by Josh Hawley. Look, I am no Josh Hawley fan. Please don't give him any money. But some of his suggestions in this book may spark ideas for you that ring true to your child, and if you can get a free copy from the library, I would give it 10 minutes of flipping around the pages to see if you can spot anything that would be useful. (For example, one idea that sticks out to me now, many years later, is that he thought most children should have the experience of visiting people in the hospital who had either just brought life into the world or who were about to (peacefully) exit it at some point before they leave high school, to demystify the experiences of birth and death before those experiences become real for them in adulthood. That made sense to me, and is the sort of thing I would've instinctively probably wanted to protect my child from otherwise.)
posted by moosetracks at 1:12 PM on July 18 [4 favorites]
“I know you can handle it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard.”
Also model model model. “I’m feeling really frustrated so I’m going to take a deep breath and take a break and then try again. This is important to me and I’m not going to quit until I’m finished.”
Mostly though you can’t overvalidate a kid’s feelings. You don’t want to validate inaccurate statements like “this is impossible.” But it’s hard to go wrong with validating the relevant feelings, ie “you are feeling really upset about how hard this has been.”
Validation has a positive effect on emotional resilience. It helps keep kids from shame spiraling and models how to keep social connections healthy.
posted by knobknosher at 1:32 PM on July 18 [19 favorites]
Also model model model. “I’m feeling really frustrated so I’m going to take a deep breath and take a break and then try again. This is important to me and I’m not going to quit until I’m finished.”
Mostly though you can’t overvalidate a kid’s feelings. You don’t want to validate inaccurate statements like “this is impossible.” But it’s hard to go wrong with validating the relevant feelings, ie “you are feeling really upset about how hard this has been.”
Validation has a positive effect on emotional resilience. It helps keep kids from shame spiraling and models how to keep social connections healthy.
posted by knobknosher at 1:32 PM on July 18 [19 favorites]
@moostracks, Ben Sasse? Who seems much more tolerable but that might be just me.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 1:48 PM on July 18 [2 favorites]
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 1:48 PM on July 18 [2 favorites]
This psychiatrist who worked on Inside Out Two explains that puberty restructures the brain, starting with emotion and ending with things like perspective. This means that for a significant period of time, kids have adult emotions without the corresponding logic and perspective. It may help to have a shift of your own perspective here and know that your kid literally cannot do what you expect right now. Time will pass and it will take care of this.
My parents told me, repeatedly, no matter how bad it gets you are NEVER trapped in a situation, you can always come to me, and I will always help you. I truly think this is the most important statement and attitude parents can have towards tweens and teens. Remember that if they feel strongly about things and don’t know this, they can make choices that have serious, lasting impact.
posted by CMcG at 1:48 PM on July 18 [24 favorites]
My parents told me, repeatedly, no matter how bad it gets you are NEVER trapped in a situation, you can always come to me, and I will always help you. I truly think this is the most important statement and attitude parents can have towards tweens and teens. Remember that if they feel strongly about things and don’t know this, they can make choices that have serious, lasting impact.
posted by CMcG at 1:48 PM on July 18 [24 favorites]
@ chesty_a_arthur, yes that's absolutely Ben Sasse! A Josh Hawley book is this year's conservative uncle pick -- brain fart. The book is great in parts and very conservative in parts; of all the books this uncle has recommended, it's a top 3 for me, but I'd still recommend getting from the library for OP's use case.
posted by moosetracks at 1:55 PM on July 18 [3 favorites]
posted by moosetracks at 1:55 PM on July 18 [3 favorites]
You validate feelings by acknowledging them. Jeez, it felt bad that your friend went to other friend's house this afternoon. I can understand how you'd feel that way. Resilience is getting back up. I wonder how you'll get through feeling bad? Let's take the dog for a walk and see what comes next. or other ways of modeling doing a calming action and rebounding. You model resilience, model experiencing a feeling and allowing it to pass. And if a child or adult is feeling really bad How can I help? because sometimes a person needs a hug, to watch a movie, some chocolate, whatever. Is your kid venting/ annoyed or really distraught? Some parents have a hard time allowing a child to experience mild discomfort, and kids can often tell you how they really feel if you ask.
Teach a child to self-assess. Sometimes you feel bad, but there's a physical cause and you need to go to the bathroom, have some water or some food, have sleep or exercise. It's a task of growing up to learn this, and a surprising number of people don't. My kid is emotionally volatile and has learned to take his severe crankiness away from people and let it resolve. at least some of the time.
You sound like you're doing well and listening.
posted by theora55 at 1:57 PM on July 18 [6 favorites]
Teach a child to self-assess. Sometimes you feel bad, but there's a physical cause and you need to go to the bathroom, have some water or some food, have sleep or exercise. It's a task of growing up to learn this, and a surprising number of people don't. My kid is emotionally volatile and has learned to take his severe crankiness away from people and let it resolve. at least some of the time.
You sound like you're doing well and listening.
posted by theora55 at 1:57 PM on July 18 [6 favorites]
Also make sure they are getting focused positive attention when they are being calm and quiet. Very easy (and understandable!) to pay way more attention to negative emotionality. But you want to make sure it’s not something they do as a subconscious way of getting your attention/care. You can do this by being there, present, and validating of their positive emotions and successes, even small ones.
posted by knobknosher at 2:01 PM on July 18 [1 favorite]
posted by knobknosher at 2:01 PM on July 18 [1 favorite]
Deliberately demonstrating this yourself may be helpful for laying pathways and showing that it's even possible. I try to articulate very little things like "Sigh, it would have been convenient if I'd worn brown instead of blue, then I wouldn't care about sitting in the dirt at all. But oh well, it'll be okay." Or "Today I got to the library too late and they were closed. It was really annoying because now I'll have to wait until after the holiday." Or "Oh no, I spilled it, that's disappointing, I'll have to clean it up and buy more!" I make exactly zero attempt to draw any explicit parallels with anything when I say these things: they're just short examples of me encountering some manner of difficulty. (And they must not be passive-aggressive requests for someone else to fix things. When I want help I say so explicitly.) Sometimes I describe dealing with the thing, sometimes I just sketch the situation and leave it at that unless I'm asked. I fully expect that eventually these very uneventful stories will be met with teenage exasperation, but I'm getting away with them maybe a couple of times per week for now and I think they're more helpful than the kid imagining I'm just immune to small hurts.
posted by teremala at 2:05 PM on July 18 [3 favorites]
posted by teremala at 2:05 PM on July 18 [3 favorites]
“That’s some bad feelings but I know you can muscle through.”
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:23 PM on July 18
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:23 PM on July 18
Are you sure all their needs are being met? I don't mean this in an accusatory way, like "you're a bad parent and not meeting their needs" - not at all. What I mean is: I was that type of child, and it turns out a lot of that was due to some of my more unusual needs not being met, particularly time alone, sensory rest, and breaks from having to use executive function. Most kids lives aren't really set up for those things, what with spending all day at school and evenings doing extracurricular activities, homework, or playing with friends. I'm still that type of adult, but it turns out that small-but-devastating disappointments are way easier to cope with when all three of those are in place.
The other method that helped me the most was pretending - essentially, I decided that I didn't want to be like that anymore, so I began to act as though I wasn't. This was surprisingly effective. If they express frustration about being sensitive to you, it might help to suggest that they act as though they're not bothered, even when they are, and that will slowly become reality. It can help to have a mantra - mine is "way she goes".
posted by wheatlets at 4:39 PM on July 18 [8 favorites]
The other method that helped me the most was pretending - essentially, I decided that I didn't want to be like that anymore, so I began to act as though I wasn't. This was surprisingly effective. If they express frustration about being sensitive to you, it might help to suggest that they act as though they're not bothered, even when they are, and that will slowly become reality. It can help to have a mantra - mine is "way she goes".
posted by wheatlets at 4:39 PM on July 18 [8 favorites]
Crying is a genuinely great way to process big feelings. It doesn’t harm anybody or anything, it triggers a bunch of chemical cascades in a person that helps them feel better after, and is effective communication without using words that can be poorly chosen in the moment. Help them out by making a bit of a system for when they cry: make a little basket with good tissues, a water bottle and maybe some of those hydration flavoring packets, maybe some lotion or a calming fidget toy or something else to help relax their hands, and keep an ice roller or similar in the freezer to help them handle their own redness or whatever kind of physical result they dislike about having cried. Also, talk to them when they aren’t crying about what they would like you to do when they are crying. Do they want you to hug them, to sit near them, to leave them alone? Could you agree on a nonverbal signal, like if they leave their bedroom door open you can come in, but if it’s closed they want to be left alone? In public, if they need to cry to get out their feelings, make a barrier of yourself and find a quiet space for them. It’s okay to cry, crying does not mean the end of the day or the cessation of activity, and it is never a cause for reprimand. Words said while crying might be, so if they are lashing out while crying, encourage them to write stuff down instead and then rip it up and throw it away or stash it privately, assuring them you will never pry.
posted by Mizu at 5:48 PM on July 18 [7 favorites]
posted by Mizu at 5:48 PM on July 18 [7 favorites]
Resilience is getting back up.
I think this is the key. Teaching kids to minimize their feelings or shake them off is the wrong way to go. Modeling and helping them to find their own way to recover from frustrations is much more useful.
As adults we deal with many frustrating things every day (traffic, taxes, meal preparation, etc.) but we’re so used to them and deal with them so automatically that kids don’t get to observe us in the act. Share both how things make you feel and how you process those feelings.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:06 PM on July 18 [4 favorites]
I think this is the key. Teaching kids to minimize their feelings or shake them off is the wrong way to go. Modeling and helping them to find their own way to recover from frustrations is much more useful.
As adults we deal with many frustrating things every day (traffic, taxes, meal preparation, etc.) but we’re so used to them and deal with them so automatically that kids don’t get to observe us in the act. Share both how things make you feel and how you process those feelings.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:06 PM on July 18 [4 favorites]
My kid stresses about all sorts of things, to the point I wind up a bit of a basket case just from listening to her ruminate and complain. My mantra is, "focus on the context, not the content of the worry."
In other words, I don't shush it, over-validate or make a huge fuss. I say, "it sounds to me like you're having some feelings here. Do you want to figure out what those feelings are?"
Then she can say she's worried or sad or angry, and I congratulate her on her self awareness. Then I remind her that "problems have solutions " and I ask if she wants help with solutions or if she just wanted to discuss her feelings.
She often does want to discuss solutions, and I let her take the lead. I encourage realistic answers that involve resilience/communication, and move her away from responses that involve trying to boss around other people.
Ultimately, I try to move her past the Endless Noisy Rumination Loop.
I also model coping skills. I say if something makes me sad, disappointed, or frustrated, then I narrate what I'll do next. It's frustrating to be stuck in traffic, but next time we'll leave earlier. For now, we're going to listen to music and notice what kind of cars people are driving.
posted by champers at 3:30 AM on July 19 [5 favorites]
In other words, I don't shush it, over-validate or make a huge fuss. I say, "it sounds to me like you're having some feelings here. Do you want to figure out what those feelings are?"
Then she can say she's worried or sad or angry, and I congratulate her on her self awareness. Then I remind her that "problems have solutions " and I ask if she wants help with solutions or if she just wanted to discuss her feelings.
She often does want to discuss solutions, and I let her take the lead. I encourage realistic answers that involve resilience/communication, and move her away from responses that involve trying to boss around other people.
Ultimately, I try to move her past the Endless Noisy Rumination Loop.
I also model coping skills. I say if something makes me sad, disappointed, or frustrated, then I narrate what I'll do next. It's frustrating to be stuck in traffic, but next time we'll leave earlier. For now, we're going to listen to music and notice what kind of cars people are driving.
posted by champers at 3:30 AM on July 19 [5 favorites]
SPACE stands for Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions and is a parent-based treatment program for children and adolescents with anxiety, OCD, and related problems.
SPACE was developed by Dr. Eli Lebowitz at the Yale Child Study Center
posted by stray at 5:53 AM on July 19
SPACE was developed by Dr. Eli Lebowitz at the Yale Child Study Center
posted by stray at 5:53 AM on July 19
There are a number of well-reviewed, generally evidence-based resilience-related workbooks for teens, and I will tell you a secret: most of the exercises work well for adults too. Work on some together every week, make sure she's got access to the book and encouragement to pursue some on her own.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:21 AM on July 19
posted by Lyn Never at 6:21 AM on July 19
Validating feelings doesn’t mean saying “of course you are exactly this upset about this thing, anyone would be.” Validating feelings means saying “you’re really upset, I know how that feels, I’m here with you,” or, “you feel so sad and confused right now, I see it.” Because whether they’re “reasonable” or not, your kid is having feelings. What sensitive kids most need to know is that they can survive their big feelings. Feeling overwhelmingly sad because of a perceived slight by a friend is scary—they need to know they can get through it. Then they can work on reality testing the thoughts they’re having (“do my friends hate me?” is much better to ask when you’re calm than when you’re sad). A feeling is like a sneeze. It’s going to happen and you don’t get to choose it. But it’s not dangerous. However, big distressing feelings can seem dangerous to the person feeling them—especially kids. Slow way down and focus on acknowledging the feelings as if they were sneezes: normal and unavoidable, sometimes surprising, sometimes inconvenient, never dangerous.
posted by theotherdurassister at 8:33 AM on July 19 [4 favorites]
posted by theotherdurassister at 8:33 AM on July 19 [4 favorites]
In addition to just being a great example for how you handle mistakes and setbacks, there is a silly game you can play to help with handling non-serious issues - worst case scenario. You can use this to talk about backup plans, consequences and how to handle them and apologize well, to inject a bit of humor etc. You'd be surprised how many adults benefit from this too - did the world end? No! Will anyone remember this tomorrow? Likely no unless you keep going on about it! Your car is dead but not stolen and used in a terrible crime! You can uber and make an appointment with a mechanic instead of being interrogated for hours about where you have been and whether you were involved in a chase! You dropped the milk, you are now sentenced to one meal of toast instead of cereal, and we will pick some more up later.
What you are trying to do is move them away from their internal catastrophizing and self-blaming to look at the bigger picture and how to move ahead (and maybe make them laugh a little).
posted by meepmeow at 11:43 AM on July 20
What you are trying to do is move them away from their internal catastrophizing and self-blaming to look at the bigger picture and how to move ahead (and maybe make them laugh a little).
posted by meepmeow at 11:43 AM on July 20
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Like, it really is not a big deal that her brother wants to play with her or that other people get to use the TV sometimes, and it wouldn't be good for us to pretend it was. But it is a big deal that it's really hard to comport yourself well and it's one her mom and I definitely understand and have been through.
posted by Polycarp at 1:03 PM on July 18 [29 favorites]