Am I wrong for doing this to my housemate after she overstepped my bound

June 23, 2024 3:45 PM

Am I wrong for doing this to my housemate after she overstepped my bound. I don’t really like to do the silence treatment but I feel like it maybe best in this case. In total there are 6 people that live in the house. She was the last one to entered the house and as soon as she came in the dynamic changed. I am known to be one of the quiet ones in the house.

Apparently my housemate doesn’t like this because she confronted me about it. With an attitude she told me she doesn’t like my energy and I don’t talk as much as I should. Mind you this was only her second week in the house when she did this! Plus every time this person has said hello and asked me things I always acknowledged her. Including me there are 4 women in the house and two men. The two women have flocked to her where as I don’t pay her much attention. She also gossiped about me in the house to the other housemates. When she confronted me I told her she has no right to tell me how to behave and I had an angry tone when I did it. I raised my voice and she went quiet. A couple days later she sweet talks me like I am a child (she is in her 50’s and I am 36) and tells me to let her know when I am done in the kitchen so she can cook. I didn’t do a thing and walked right into my room. As the weeks went by she continued to find ways to make me speak to her and for a little bit I played her game until a week ago. She is literally pretending like nothing happened. Every time she said Hello I would be mute so since then she has stopped speaking. I am hoping this continues because everything was perfectly fine until she moved in. I overhead her talking about a coworker not acknowledging her so she has a thing about people not speaking to her and take offense if you don’t. My reasons for being quiet had nothing to do with her but now I am extra quiet with her for obvious reasons. I felt it was just disrespectful to come to me about that in the way she did and I am doing nothing different from the men in the house do. I guess since I am female I need to be talking her head off constantly. Do you feel I am the asshole for completely cutting her off? I do feel better since doing it but I did let the landlord know in general. He said he would intervene if I am still bothered and he feels that it's going to escalate. I told him that it won't on my end. It is also possible that there maybe a house meeting in general and I am sure that will come up. I still have no interest in engaging with her so not sure what help that would be....

posted by TheBronxGirl to Human Relations (33 answers total)

You have every right to be silent or quiet. I think you have an obligation to be polite. You don't have to like her and she does not have to like you, but the best way to get along with an attention needy person is to just acknowledge them. She is her 50s. She is not going to change.

This is becoming bigger drama than it need be. When she says hello to you smile and say hello back and keep on walking or doing whatever it is you are doing. She is new to your house and in her 50s. I may be reading way more into it than is actually there, but I surmise she has had issues with other roommates if she acts like this. Maybe she was anxious or nervous moving into a new living situation with many people she did not know. Maybe cut her a break by being pleasant enough. You don't have to have conversations, but a simple hello will go a long way.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 3:57 PM on June 23 [18 favorites]

Most people will be offended if they say hello to you and you ignore them. The path of least resistance here is certainly just to say hello back and keep conversations minimal. It is also reasonable to tell someone when you are done in the kitchen. Just be the bigger person here and let go of what happened before, because she is going to perceive you giving her the silent treatment as constant aggression.
posted by ssg at 4:09 PM on June 23 [50 favorites]

You are not the asshole.

Keep on keeping on (including avoiding her, she is drama quicksand).
posted by Dashy at 4:20 PM on June 23 [1 favorite]

I would say as little as possible but I would not be silent, which I feel is needlessly dramatic in this situation. She was wrong. You're not going to be friends and you're not going to chat her up. But I'd return a "hello" and feel like I owed her nothing else.
posted by anthropomorphic at 4:49 PM on June 23 [48 favorites]

The silent treatment, and involving your landlord in a personality clash, seems like it will escalate and prolong drama that doesn't have to be drama.

You two aren't on the same wavelength and she came on strong about it. Okay. You've made your point. It's time to reset your interactions with her to basic politeness, including complying with reasonable requests like letting her know when you're done in the kitchen.
posted by Stacey at 5:21 PM on June 23 [74 favorites]

This is a miserable way to live for everyone involved.

You are capable of being a grown-up here and maintaining a strictly-business relationship with people in your vicinity if you don't desire any more relationship than that but have to share an environment.

Yes, sure, she's weird and has boundary issues and gossips, and those are great reasons to not be her friend. Roommates are better at arm's length anyway. But the social contract here is baseline communication especially regarding common areas and shared resources. You are fine to say, "sorry, gotta go do something" if she tries to engage you in anything beyond polite acknowledgement of existence, but yes you need to communicate with her about the kitchen.

This behavior is probably making things harder for your other roommates than it needs to be, especially if you don't want all of them gossipping about you. Don't volunteer to be the most-unreasonable seeming person here, and the most difficult to deal with.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:37 PM on June 23 [45 favorites]

You don't have to be friends but it wouldn't hurt to be cordial. If you are shutting down and going quiet around her to give her the silent treatment because you don't like her that's not healthy. I often shut down around people I find overwhelming or mean and it's not productive. It's a fear of confrontation and when I do it I often feel hurt and I don't know what to say and I want to cut the person off instead of moving past it or saying what I mean or clearing the air.

Talk about things and try to say what you mean or ask for clarification in the moment instead of seething and shutting down. Give your opinion or say what you need to do. You could even say "I am feeling moody right now I am not ignoring you." It takes practice and often shutting down and going silent is a trauma response (this is very popular phrase lately) or a defense mechanism.
posted by loveandhappiness at 6:51 PM on June 23 [6 favorites]

This sounds like a really annoying way to live. Do you actually like the house? If I anticipated a situation like this lasting more than about 4 months, I would probably leave.

If you do decide to stay, you might as well make up with her. Ask her if you can sit down with her for a chat one evening for maybe 30 mins - let her agree to the day/time. Bring a nice drink (kombucha? iced tea?) or a nice picky snack you'll both like (big bowl of berries or grapes? chips in a flavour you both like? etc). Eat some food, then say,

Hey, so, it looks like we'll be living here together for a while so I wanted to chat about how we interact - because I would love for us to improve it, and I can see some things I can do to help that happen. First of all, things have been weird between us so I wanted to apologize for my part in it. I am sorry for being quiet and not speaking with you - that doesn't work for roommates, and I would like to stop doing that. I thought maybe I could explain from my perspective what was happening, is that ok?

The first few days you were here, I was quiet for a couple reasons. First, I am naturally on the quiet side - but also, I had some stuff happening in my life that just had me in a quiet mood that week. Looking back, I can see how that might have felt weird for you, as a new person - so I just wanted you to know, it wasn't personal, and it wasn't going to be permanent. But I can see how it might have made you feel a bit uncomfortable, so I am sorry I wasn't feeling more outgoing when you first arrived at the house.

One day you approached me and said something to the effect that you didn't like my energy and I needed to talk more (try to quote the exact words she said as precisely as you can without mimicking her voice!). That interaction didn't feel good to me. I didn't feel I was projecting bad energy, I was simply being quiet. And as an adult, it didn't feel good to be asked to speak more when I didn't want to. I felt uncomfortable with your requests, and, if I'm being honest, I don't know what vibe you wanted that convo to have, but the tone of it did kinda rub me the wrong way. So then, I admit, my energy definitely DID change, because I was annoyed. After that, I stopped talking to you completely. I should have had this conversation back then, so I'm sorry I waited so long, that was awkward. And then I gave you the silent treatment for a while, including not telling you things like when the kitchen was free. That wasn't considerate, and I apologize. I won't do that any more.

I would like to say, I'm a quiet person, I'm never going to be as social as some other people, and I need to be able to interact in a way that honours who I am, without feeling scolded or directed to be different, so I'm going to ask you to accept that I'm quiet, and not see it as a source of conflict. BUT you also deserve a housemate who has polite and respectful conversations about stuff in the house like our shared space, so again I'm sorry for not doing that, and I will from now on. And I'm hoping we can get a long in a more harmonious and cordial way - I'll definitely do my best to bring that energy to the table. Ok, that was long, thanks for listening, how do you feel?
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:39 PM on June 23 [8 favorites]

You guys got off on the wrong foot and need a reset. Especially if you’ll be here for a while. She sounds really outgoing. You both sound like you can be more flexible and intentional in your communication style.

Say “you know what, we got off on the wrong foot. Let’s have tea and cookies this afternoon.” Then chat with her get to know her and find at least two things you have in common, even if it’s just we both like Star Wars or whatever. During that conversation also let it be known that you are quiet keep to yourself type person and don’t mean anything by it (basically plant the headspace narrative you want her to have about you).

Even as a quiet person you can invest 1h for this activity / olive branch for the sake of your future self. Otherwise I see this as going the way of a bad marriage where you both assume things about each others actions and build your own stories and pressure until someone leaves.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:59 PM on June 23 [10 favorites]

Mod note: One removed; yeah, we need to avoid the more extreme obscene language. Thanks.
posted by taz (staff) at 11:11 PM on June 23

What she did was out of line but I was very surprised when you said you were 36. Your response sounds like a late teens/immature early 20s reaction. You're an adult, adults generally use their words.

Look, you're living with this person. This is your living situation. If you're okay with continuing to live in this dynamic then sure, keep punishing her with the silent treatment.

The silent treatment is itself an aggressive behavior. It also looks childish and ridiculous from the outside; you probably are not coming off well to the rest of your roommates. The silent treatment is different than the grey rock approach, where you just try to generate as little attention and friction as possible. It's different than just being a quiet person who says the minimum required for a polite interaction. The silent treatment is high drama, and it's an extreme approach.

Personally, I'd go with one of the more conversation-based approaches described in this thread. Unless her behavior is orders of magnitude more extreme than what you're describing. And I'd talk with my other roommates to get their read and help on the situation, unless you don't really have any relationship with them.

I don't know what your lease situation is or what your relationships are like with your other roommates, but keep in mind that living with one roommate who gives another the silent treatment is not pleasant for anyone and your other roommates may have feelings about it and feelings about whether, given this animosity, you should keep living with them after the current lease is up.
posted by trig at 12:03 AM on June 24 [24 favorites]

interacting with people is hard. especially when they disrespect you! your behavior in response to her confronting you was completely understandable.

you do not need to sit down and have a conversation with the new flatmate right now. at this point, just a bare minimum of communication is fine. it sounds like she’s learned to be a bit more respectful. you do not have to be friends. you might learn from each other though.

for more perspective, there's a Cleveland Clinic link. it’s mostly focused helping people who are trying to understand silence, but (thinking about this topic as someone who experiences emotional flooding) this part was, at least, helpful to me as i think about similar experiences in my life: "“Sometimes, people are so emotionally distressed that they physiologically shut down — they have no other way to respond,” Dr. Prewitt explains. “They can’t even digest the information you’re giving them, let alone verbally give something back. It’s called ‘emotional flooding.’” … For some people, the silent treatment is a learned behavior … they may see it as a good thing, a way to avoid conflict and repress difficult feelings."

hey Sigmund makes this distinction: “The silent treatment should not be confused with taking time to cool down after heated or difficult exchange.” so, she confronted you, you reacted & needed some time to cool down.
posted by HearHere at 1:13 AM on June 24 [3 favorites]

You do need to reset this with the objective to maintain polite, 'professional' relations with the roommate. That doesn't mean you have to become a chatty person who gossips for her - her request that you chat more was akin of men telling women to 'smile more'...but just like you can't give the men who think it is appropriate to ask women to smile more the silent treatment without that backfiring on you, you also can't do that with somebody you share a living space with.

If you don't want to have a whole sit down, reset, conversation that's fine. But you do have to resume minimum, polite, interactions. That means you exchange greetings and information to the extent required for people sharing a living space. That includes accommodating reasonable requests such as letting somebody know when you're done using a shared resource.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:28 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]

Yes, I think completely cutting off all communication is extreme and rude. She was rude first but it seems that perhaps she regretted her actions and wanted to smooth it over and you responded by purposefully ignoring her reasonable request that you let her know when you were done in the kitchen. I would be so stressed out to be either of you in this living situation.

Reset. Communicate politely in and about shared spaces, including telling her, "Oh, I don't feel up to talking" if she wants to go beyond that.
posted by Blissful at 4:43 AM on June 24 [12 favorites]

I think you are in the wrong here.

You are creating more bad feelings, and likely the other roommates are noting your childish behavior. Refusing to tell her when you were done in the kitchen puts you in the wrong and makes you a lousy roommate.

You seem to be really annoyed she is “pretending” that you guys didn’t have the argument, which, in some cases is the best way to move forward. If you want to rehash the argument, go for it, but I think you’d do better to just let it go. (A common and good way to deal with this is to write her a letter unloading all your anger, and then rip it up and throw it away, it can really help).

You spend a lot of time defending and explaining why “the silent treatment” is a viable option as a way of handling interpersonal relationships. Sorry, it is not. The only one you are hurting is yourself. It takes energy and sustained intention to give someone the silent treatment, is this how you want to spend your time?

I also think you should question your narrative of this—what you call sweet talking and treating you like a child was her attempt to patch the rift. Even if she was being disingenuous, what’s the harm in taking it at face value?

From her perspective, you guys had a fight, and she has tried to be cordial, you outright ignore her, complain about her to the landlord (which makes no sense to me, but whatever), possibly eavesdrop on her conversations, listen to gossip, and refuse to say “hey the kitchen is free.” But she's the problem?

I am sympathetic, because having roommates can be a challenge, but there needs to be way more egregious behavior to justify what you are doing here. I also have sympathy for the other roommates--living with feuding people is no fun.
posted by rhonzo at 5:38 AM on June 24 [18 favorites]

You are in the wrong with the silent treatment. Speaking as someone who lived with many roommates for many years as "the quiet one", and once had someone take a lot of offense to it in a similar way, complaining about my attitude or vibe or something ridiculous like that.

She was certainly in the wrong to say those things, but the reasonable response is to limit the amount of time you spend with her, not to be openly rude and hostile by doing the silent treatment. When you're living with someone, you simply have to be able to communicate with them on a basic level. That does not mean being chatty or trying to spend more time with her or even staying in the room when she is saying those rude things to you, but it does mean that you answer politely if they say hello or ask a roommate-related question that isn't a personal attack. The silent treatment is absolutely escalating things and causing more drama, and that hostile action repeating every day will make things worse and worse until you both start communicating like reasonable adults and develop an understanding or until one of you leaves. You can't "cut someone off" while you live with them.
posted by randomnity at 6:32 AM on June 24 [12 favorites]

Reading in between the lines a bit, it sounds like from her perspective, she moved into a new house and all the housemates made a point to be friendly and welcoming (which is normal protocol when a new person moves in), except one housemate - you. If she indeed told you that she "doesn’t like [your] energy" then I agree she went about it an overly dramatic and unhelpful fashion - but it would have been reasonable for her to bring it up to you, i.e. "Hey, I'm getting the sense you're a bit cold towards me - did I do something wrong?"

As others have mentioned, the basic expectations of living with others is a degree of friendliness and conversation in common spaces. It doesn't have to be extensive, but in my experience of living with 50+ different people over the years, a degree of housemate conflict is normal, and it's much easier to navigate if you at least somewhat get along with the other person. Given this woman is 50, she has likely lived with her share of people too, and so it would be understandable if she feels more comfortable in her living space if she can at least have a friendly 5min chat with people in the kitchen or whatever.

The silent treatment is quite immature, as is involving the landlord. I agree with people saying you need to reset this relationship for everyone's wellbeing (even for the the other housemates - it's no fun living with two people who dislike each other). Apologize, and make a bit more effort to be polite, but you can also let her know "It's nothing personal, I'm just an introvert."
posted by coffeecat at 7:01 AM on June 24 [9 favorites]

The silent treatment is never a solution to any situation. It just delays the inevitable conflict and often (always) makes the dynamic worse in the intervening time when you're not speaking.

[I also draw a distinction between this and going no-contact with someone, which involves no opportunities for the "silent treatment," since you've removed yourself from the context.]

With that in mind, you don't owe this person anything. If you're not interested in interacting, I think it's fair to tell her something along the lines of "I am not comfortable with our interactions and the negative feelings they create for both of us. I also know it's difficult for us not to interact since we live together. So I'm going to be keeping our exchanges to a minimum and hope you find this a good solution for the two of us."
posted by yellowcandy at 7:35 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]

I once had a roommate who decided to give me the silent treatment. And the thing is, I never figured out what she was upset about. You might think it's obvious why you're not talking to your roommate, but it's possible she doesn't have the foggiest idea. If you have a conflict with a roommate, you need to use your words.

Also, having been on the receiving end, the silent treatment is an awful thing to do to someone. It's also childish and overly punitive and doesn't solve problems.
posted by FencingGal at 8:58 AM on June 24 [4 favorites]

As others have already said, giving someone the silent treatment is aggressive and juvenile. You shouldn't do it. I understand that you think "everything was perfectly fine until she moved in" but this, together with your observation that the other women in the house "flocked to her" suggests that some resentment on your part that may have given rise to her initial observation as to your "energy" and lack of conversation. As punchtothehead noted, this isn't the first time you've posted about disliking a new roommate who you felt had changed the dynamic. This may be worth some thought on your part, as periodic changes in the dynamic is an inherent feature of a multiparty shared living arrangement in which there is some turnover. Six individual adults of different ages, habits, communication styles, etc. is a lot for one house. I interpret her choice to pretend like your initial confrontation had never happened as an attempt to move past it and establish a relationship that's at least tenable. That ship may have sailed as a result of your silent treatment, but I'd encourage you to proactively take the temperature down and find a way the two of you can peacefully coexist. At this point, I would view you as equally culpable in whatever difficulties may exist between the two of you, and this open hostility has got to suck for everyone else in the house. Otherwise, if healing the rift is intolerable to you, what do you view as the endgame? Perhaps you'd like the other four roommates to "take your side" and oust the newcomer, but that doesn't sound likely to happen. So you have to decide whether to (a) stop the silent treatment and take overt steps to establish a reasonably cordial relationship with the new roommate; (b) continue with the silent treatment, which may cause the other roommates to view you as the one who has spoiled the house culture; or (c) look for other accommodations.
posted by slkinsey at 9:02 AM on June 24 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: I forgot to add this woman also has a temper and wanted to beat her boss up. She is used to running her mouth and having an attitude. I won't be apologizing for anything. I will speak if it is house related matters.
posted by TheBronxGirl at 9:05 AM on June 24

That added information makes it even more important to behave politely instead of actively provoking her by being rude (to be extra clear, not responding to a direct question or greeting is very rude, and isn't acceptable behaviour with any roommate no matter how awful). Think about how you might interact with a coworker you dislike, if that helps.
posted by randomnity at 9:48 AM on June 24 [4 favorites]

>I won't be apologizing for anything.

Ok but please catch the consensus here which is that giving a housemate the silent treatment is unacceptably rude and actually rather aggressive. You have been 100% in the wrong to do that, starting about a day after she confronted you.

Giving the silent treatment on the same day as a conflict could be overlooked as "needing to cool off"... but continuing it for days or weeks is childish and mean and YOU are making yourself the wrong one! Especially if she's trying to smooth past the conflict and create civility (whether that be real civility, or fake-but-believable civility that at least allows others to not have to worry about things escalating). She is doing the commonly-accepted correct thing: YOU are not.

I really find that it's powerful to admit and apologize for our own half of a shitty dynamic. It opens the door for the other party to see you're reasonable, encourages them to also apologize for their half of it, and shows you have the maturity and fairness to self-reflect and admit you're not perfect. If you decide what you did by refusing to say "hey the kitchen is free", and somehow the whole thing is her fault including your own actions? Then sorry to say that you are incorrect and you are not being fair or mature!

If I lived in a group situation with a housemate who was giving another housemate the silent treatment (for anything less severe than physical assault or aggressively yelling in their face), then I would start planning how soon I could ask the person giving the silent treatment to move out!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 10:04 AM on June 24 [8 favorites]

Response by poster: I have been disrespected all of my life for being a quiet black woman. The other women are black as well. I reached my breaking point. Plus I am dealing with my parents death anniversary and other personal things. My quiet nature had nothing to do with them. They can come to me for house matters but I am done bending over backwards for annoying extroverts at this point in my life.
posted by TheBronxGirl at 10:11 AM on June 24

It's not about bending over backwards but about base-level respect and politeness towards each other. But if you're not in a state to do it then you're not in a state to do it. That can happen. (Just understand that there might be fallout, and - since this was your original question - most people aren't going to be like "yeah, you're in the right".)
posted by trig at 10:26 AM on June 24 [4 favorites]

I don't think you need to apologize, per se, but would recommend stepping away from the silent treatment and seeing if you can normalize interactions and reach some sort of détente. Otherwise things in your house will grow increasingly miserable for everyone, and you're likely to be deemed the cause by your roommates. Sometimes, even when a person has a legitimate grievance, their response is so noteworthy that the situation becomes more about the response than the grievance that prompted it. And when that happens, the responding party can come to be perceived as the wrongdoer. I would suggest that you may be approaching that outcome, if you're not already there.
posted by slkinsey at 10:53 AM on June 24 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: I just want them to treat me like the men in the house going forward. They don't bother them or expect interactions. One of the other housemates seem to be the spokesperson. I had a convo with her yesterday and cleared the air about things with her. She took my quietness a certain way too and she used to be quiet! I just find housemates/roommates needy just unpleasant. Sorry find friends outside the house. Thank you for the advice everyone!
posted by TheBronxGirl at 11:27 AM on June 24

Sorry find friends outside the house.

I empathize with your disinterest in befriending housemates - but there is a big distinction between being friends with housemates and being a stranger to a housemate. For four years I lived in a big brownstone with an ever-rotating cast of housemates, some of which I liked, some of which I really didn't like. A few essentially spent all of their time in their room, never interacting with anyone in the house - which was technically fine, but it did feel a bit....unsettling. Not because I wanted to be their friend (I'm also introverted, and never felt compelled to be friends with housemates), but because it just felt odd to have essentially a stranger in my domestic space. Again, it's fine to be quiet and introverted, but you can still be quiet and have brief friendly conversations with the people you live with.
posted by coffeecat at 11:55 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: If most of the people in the house you have nothing in common with it is quite difficult to fake that as well. I am not the only one in the house that stay to themselves. I am the only WOMAN though. And that is the problem I have with it.
posted by TheBronxGirl at 12:06 PM on June 24

Many people in this thread are saying that you're wrong for engaging in the silent treatment. You don't feel you need to apologize (although it is rude and unproductive to give someone the silent treatment) but you do need to behave like an adult and acknowledge people, treat them like a human, etc. You can start that by responding with "hello" when she says hello, "fine, thanks, you?" when she asks how you are, and so on.

If you cannot or will not do that, then perhaps shared living arrangements aren't for you.
posted by punchtothehead at 12:21 PM on June 24 [3 favorites]

I'm sorry about your parents' death anniversary, those times are super stressful and I hope you're feeling a bit better over time. I just read your other question about this apartment, and honestly, sorry it adds more stress, but I think you should try to move. The guy who has lots of loud late night visitors and especially who loudly plays porn with his bedroom door open would be a dealbreaker for me. Broadcasting one's porn consumption is extremely norm-violating, to the point where it would scare me.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 12:23 PM on June 24

(nouvelle-personne, the Asker’s previous question is from 8yrs ago and seems to be a different living situation)
posted by maleficent at 5:46 PM on June 24

TheBronxGirl, your question literally asks, "Am I wrong for doing this...?" and enough people have answered yes, you're wrong, but you seem angry at the responses. I acknowledge that you're going through a lot and are understandably stressed, but I think I may have another way for you to look at this.

You've said, "I just want them to treat me like the men in the house going forward." You can't make someone else treat you any particular way. You can only behave in whatever way you decide to behave, and because this isn't a piece of fiction, your behavior may or may not impact hers. This is why everyone is trying to guide you toward behavior that will help you have a less stressful experience.

I'd like to point out that — leaving the rightness or wrongness from an ethical viewpoint aside — people are advising you that this is wrong from a wisdom perspective. As in, if you were at a bus stop and a dude with a knife was acting in a threatening way, you telling him, "You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny" would be wrong. He might be standing there in lederhosen, a tutu, and a Pilgrim hat, and you could be completely accurate, but you'd still be wrong because saying that to the threatening guy would be pouring fuel on the fire. It's "wrong" because it's not the smart thing to do.

Most people are telling you that "the silent treatment" is never the adult way to behave. It's not. It's the way twelve-year-olds signal their dissatisfaction and you're a grownup. The silent treatment isn't going to get anyone to treat you the way you want (and deserve) to be treated. It may not be fair, but the people here are, by and large, telling you that it's wrong — from the perspective of trying to survive.

You asked, they answered, and they are all trying to help. You don't have to follow their advice, but you're not going to change their advice.

For most people, after college, living with others (other than, typically but not always, family) is an uncomfortable experience. Most people avoid living with anyone with whom they don't have a romantic, familial, or deep friendship experience. But everyone who makes the decision to live with others who do not fall in those categories must act in such a way that creates the fewest problems, for themselves and everyone else, even the jerks. Remember the adage, "resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." Your silent treatment isn't going to break the jerky lady, but it's hurting you.

I know you don't want to talk to her. We all know that. And nobody is telling you that you have to be NICE to her, or be friendly to her. But you have to treat someone in your home space with the social equivalent of a stranger trying to pass you in a narrow hallway. You don't have to like it. But you've asked a question of the people here, and everyone is saying, as kindly as possible, "yeah, you're wrong to use silent treatment, but changing your behavior doesn't mean you're forgiving her."

Stamp your foot and shout, "But this isn't the way I want the world to be!" if you like, but that won't help your experience, and that's what people here are trying to ameliorate. You have the choice of living with these people or not, and if you stay, the choice of behaving in a fruitful way or not. But fussing at the people who have answered the question that you asked doesn't seem like it's going to make you feel better.

I hope things get better for you, and that you can find a safe place to grieve now, and find opportunities to avoid this stressful home environment beyond that.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 6:38 PM on June 24 [23 favorites]