Broke a housemate's things
June 8, 2024 9:41 AM Subscribe
I have lived with someone for about two years and have chipped one of her plates and burned a spatula a bit on the stove. Yesterday I chipped another one of her plates while she was out of town. What do I do?
Our kitchenware is communal. When we moved in, I tried to insist we use my plates but my housemate (housemate #1) preferred hers so that's what we've been doing. They are an Ikea set of plates she has had for a long time.
After I chipped one of her plates a while ago, she was quite mad about it. Our other housemate (housemate #2) bought a couple of new plates to try to make up for the first chipped one. But that seemed to be unappreciated, judging by housemate #1's reaction, she did not say thank you or acknowledge them really. I think maybe she would have preferred to choose them herself, not sure.
As you can maybe tell from that story, we do not communicate very naturally or easily! We have a more or less friendly relationship, but we are not really friends and generally any conversation about house-related stuff is tense and difficult.
I would like to do the right thing and end on a good note as we are moving out soon. I was thinking of maybe paying her $50 to make up for the damaged goods. Do you think that makes sense? Or do you have other ideas? Is this kind of wear and tear normal and how do people usually react to these things? None of the items I have damaged were expensive or precious for sentimental reasons. What would you do?
Our kitchenware is communal. When we moved in, I tried to insist we use my plates but my housemate (housemate #1) preferred hers so that's what we've been doing. They are an Ikea set of plates she has had for a long time.
After I chipped one of her plates a while ago, she was quite mad about it. Our other housemate (housemate #2) bought a couple of new plates to try to make up for the first chipped one. But that seemed to be unappreciated, judging by housemate #1's reaction, she did not say thank you or acknowledge them really. I think maybe she would have preferred to choose them herself, not sure.
As you can maybe tell from that story, we do not communicate very naturally or easily! We have a more or less friendly relationship, but we are not really friends and generally any conversation about house-related stuff is tense and difficult.
I would like to do the right thing and end on a good note as we are moving out soon. I was thinking of maybe paying her $50 to make up for the damaged goods. Do you think that makes sense? Or do you have other ideas? Is this kind of wear and tear normal and how do people usually react to these things? None of the items I have damaged were expensive or precious for sentimental reasons. What would you do?
50 bucks for a couple ikea plates and a spatula seems quite generous, and your roommate sounds a bit unreasonable (if she's going to be mad about regular wear and tear on her stuff maybe she shouldn't insist everyone use it?). I would just buy some replacements of similar value/quality (if they're OLD old, keep in enshittification in mind) and call it done. You're moving out soon anyway, so even if they get annoyed it's not exactly your problem.
posted by btfreek at 9:52 AM on June 8 [18 favorites]
posted by btfreek at 9:52 AM on June 8 [18 favorites]
$50 is high for a chipped plate, but maybe you're trying to buy your way out of an unpleasant conversation, which I understand.
I've had a range of roommates but a simple conversation like this was pretty normal: "Hey, I chipped one of the plates. I'll rotate some of my dishes in so yours aren't taking all the wear and tear. I'm happy to replace the plate too if you let me know where to get it."
You get to put your plates into circulation if you want to. She can't demand that people use her things then get angry when normal wear and tear happens. Sidestep that by just using your own plates until you move out.
posted by cocoagirl at 9:53 AM on June 8 [12 favorites]
I've had a range of roommates but a simple conversation like this was pretty normal: "Hey, I chipped one of the plates. I'll rotate some of my dishes in so yours aren't taking all the wear and tear. I'm happy to replace the plate too if you let me know where to get it."
You get to put your plates into circulation if you want to. She can't demand that people use her things then get angry when normal wear and tear happens. Sidestep that by just using your own plates until you move out.
posted by cocoagirl at 9:53 AM on June 8 [12 favorites]
Replace, not give money. Ikea plates are inexpensive.
But for goodness' sake... after the time she got mad, you should have insisted on using your own. It's not that tough to stack two different sets of dishes in the cupboard.
posted by stormyteal at 9:55 AM on June 8 [5 favorites]
But for goodness' sake... after the time she got mad, you should have insisted on using your own. It's not that tough to stack two different sets of dishes in the cupboard.
posted by stormyteal at 9:55 AM on June 8 [5 favorites]
I would like to do the right thing and end on a good note
If you have the time, energy, and proximity to Ikea, then because she reacted the way she did last time I'd ask her what Ikea plates she'd like as a replacement and go get them for her. This would be a very nice and considerate thing to do - a bit above and beyond, and not something I'd expect someone to do for me - but it's what I'd do if I wanted to feel good about myself.
That said, she does seem to be overreacting a bit if none of this stuff has any particular sentimental or other value. But you never know what personal issues this is playing into.
If going to Ikea isn't doable, then I'd just give her the money and apologize and wish her well. Regardless of which path you go, I wouldn't take any potential ungraciousness on her part personally.
posted by trig at 10:00 AM on June 8 [4 favorites]
If you have the time, energy, and proximity to Ikea, then because she reacted the way she did last time I'd ask her what Ikea plates she'd like as a replacement and go get them for her. This would be a very nice and considerate thing to do - a bit above and beyond, and not something I'd expect someone to do for me - but it's what I'd do if I wanted to feel good about myself.
That said, she does seem to be overreacting a bit if none of this stuff has any particular sentimental or other value. But you never know what personal issues this is playing into.
If going to Ikea isn't doable, then I'd just give her the money and apologize and wish her well. Regardless of which path you go, I wouldn't take any potential ungraciousness on her part personally.
posted by trig at 10:00 AM on June 8 [4 favorites]
Offer to replace or give the money for her to do so - don’t make assumptions about her preference either way.
That said, chipped plates are well within the realm of expected roommate living, and if I were your roommate I’d shrug it off and tell you not to bother doing either. I do think it sounds like she’s being odd about this. But it sounds like she maybe is just generally not great at sharing space, and I’d not worry about much in your shoes since you’re moving out soon.
posted by Stacey at 10:06 AM on June 8 [3 favorites]
That said, chipped plates are well within the realm of expected roommate living, and if I were your roommate I’d shrug it off and tell you not to bother doing either. I do think it sounds like she’s being odd about this. But it sounds like she maybe is just generally not great at sharing space, and I’d not worry about much in your shoes since you’re moving out soon.
posted by Stacey at 10:06 AM on June 8 [3 favorites]
This is quite simple to me, and surprised others are not reacting the same. It's common courtesy to inform the person that you broke their stuff, and then replace what you break. I would be annoyed too, and the reason why she didn't respond to your roommate replacing them is because you should have done that.
Order these Ikea plates online to be delivered? it's like $15 dollars and shouldn't take long to order. Maybe ask your roommate first too?
Be easy on yourself - I break stuff all the time, and it's part of living, but I also make an effort to replace it if it's someone else's.
posted by treetop89 at 10:09 AM on June 8 [2 favorites]
Order these Ikea plates online to be delivered? it's like $15 dollars and shouldn't take long to order. Maybe ask your roommate first too?
Be easy on yourself - I break stuff all the time, and it's part of living, but I also make an effort to replace it if it's someone else's.
posted by treetop89 at 10:09 AM on June 8 [2 favorites]
There's a roommate I haven't lived with seen or spoken to since 2012 and I STILL feel annoyed at him every time I go to use one of my bowls. I used to have a set of 4; he broke two of them.
They're not even fancy bowls, heck I got them for FREE when I did so I'm not even out money, but they're not made anymore, and they happen to be just the perfect size/shape/microwaveability for my purposes. I love these bowls, but half are gone, all because ONE guy TWELVE years ago wasn't careful with my things.
I would also like to note that breaking the bowls was part of a whole roommate milieu that was moderately to severely annoying for our entire lease term. (Other items treated carelessly, not paying bills, pooping in the toilet and not flushing it, etc.) Would I have been as mad about the bowls if they had been broken in a vacuum? We'll never know.
Anyway, as the roommate in this situation, the best thing to do is PLEASE mind your shit and not cause the household further problems due to carelessness/inconsideration. And then move out at the lease term. If she's this mad over a few chipped plates, it's not salvageable.
posted by phunniemee at 10:16 AM on June 8 [1 favorite]
They're not even fancy bowls, heck I got them for FREE when I did so I'm not even out money, but they're not made anymore, and they happen to be just the perfect size/shape/microwaveability for my purposes. I love these bowls, but half are gone, all because ONE guy TWELVE years ago wasn't careful with my things.
I would also like to note that breaking the bowls was part of a whole roommate milieu that was moderately to severely annoying for our entire lease term. (Other items treated carelessly, not paying bills, pooping in the toilet and not flushing it, etc.) Would I have been as mad about the bowls if they had been broken in a vacuum? We'll never know.
Anyway, as the roommate in this situation, the best thing to do is PLEASE mind your shit and not cause the household further problems due to carelessness/inconsideration. And then move out at the lease term. If she's this mad over a few chipped plates, it's not salvageable.
posted by phunniemee at 10:16 AM on June 8 [1 favorite]
Just ask them? “Hey I’m super sorry I broke these things. Happy to replace or give you money, which do prefer?”
posted by greta simone at 10:24 AM on June 8 [11 favorites]
posted by greta simone at 10:24 AM on June 8 [11 favorites]
Via text, with a photo of the plate: Hey roomie, bad news: I chipped a plate. I’m very sorry about this. I’ll go to IKEA this weekend to get a replacement, and I’ll also get a new spatula to replace that one that got burnt a few years ago. If you’d prefer me to give you some money instead, I can do that. Would $25 feel fair? Anyway, I’ll buy the replacements unless I hear from you otherwise. Sorry again!
(My take on all this: plates and spatulas are for use, and sometimes things get damaged during use. I live with two younger people. I do not keep in common areas things I don’t want them to use, unless we have had specific conversations about those things. And, the best part about the Ikea stuff is that it’s easy to replace. Some people have a hard time living with others.)
posted by bluedaisy at 10:31 AM on June 8 [8 favorites]
(My take on all this: plates and spatulas are for use, and sometimes things get damaged during use. I live with two younger people. I do not keep in common areas things I don’t want them to use, unless we have had specific conversations about those things. And, the best part about the Ikea stuff is that it’s easy to replace. Some people have a hard time living with others.)
posted by bluedaisy at 10:31 AM on June 8 [8 favorites]
People who are overly precious about their objects shouldn't let other people use those objects - all dishes, especially cheap dishes from Ikea, are going to eventually chip. But I also agree that once she behaved angrily the first time, that would have been the time to introduce your dishes to the collective cupboard and only use them.
So, I agree that the best option is seeing if there is a similar product on the Ikea page linked above, and offering to order a replacement. I she reacts with anger, I'd grey rock her and remind yourself that having outsized anger over minor damage to a non-sentimental/easily replaced object is really more her problem than your's.
posted by coffeecat at 10:32 AM on June 8 [11 favorites]
So, I agree that the best option is seeing if there is a similar product on the Ikea page linked above, and offering to order a replacement. I she reacts with anger, I'd grey rock her and remind yourself that having outsized anger over minor damage to a non-sentimental/easily replaced object is really more her problem than your's.
posted by coffeecat at 10:32 AM on June 8 [11 favorites]
Offer money (I would say $25 is reasonable) because she wasn't thrilled with the replacements last time. I know people are hung up on these being IKEA plates, which are often bought when you need a dinnerware set immediately and not for a lot of money. But some colors/styles are discontinued, so if this is an older set, it may not be possible to get a replacement without going to a lot of trouble.
But accidents happen. Plates get chipped or break. Such is life. I have my grandmother's vintage Fiestaware and sometimes, yes, it breaks, because some of it is 60+ years old and has been used daily for much of that time. Would I be annoyed if someone else broke some of it? Yeah, and I'd appreciate it if they tried to replace it but I wouldn't insist on it and I certainly wouldn't make them track down an old one.
(I did break a friend's vintage glass last weekend. It was part of a pattern she collects, even though she also uses it in daily life. I did replace it, but that was mostly because it was a chaotic weekend of cat-sitting and there had been enough trouble.)
posted by edencosmic at 11:18 AM on June 8 [2 favorites]
But accidents happen. Plates get chipped or break. Such is life. I have my grandmother's vintage Fiestaware and sometimes, yes, it breaks, because some of it is 60+ years old and has been used daily for much of that time. Would I be annoyed if someone else broke some of it? Yeah, and I'd appreciate it if they tried to replace it but I wouldn't insist on it and I certainly wouldn't make them track down an old one.
(I did break a friend's vintage glass last weekend. It was part of a pattern she collects, even though she also uses it in daily life. I did replace it, but that was mostly because it was a chaotic weekend of cat-sitting and there had been enough trouble.)
posted by edencosmic at 11:18 AM on June 8 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all for your answers!! (and I am eager to hear more!) It is so helpful to hear all of your thoughts and advice.
I should clarify that with the first chip, she was probably mad about other stuff too (I didn't tell her about it. I procrastinated and then forgot to tell her, so yeah that didn't help the situation). I didn't mean to make her sound unreasonable. We are just kind of on different brain lengths about house stuff so it's hard to always understand each other. And I can be inconsiderate in some ways (I think they are small but maybe not).
So part of my reasoning with the generous money offer is to make up for not always being the perfect roommate. But maybe that's fine. I would say none of us are perfect roommates... I might offer to go to Ikea and get her whatever plates she wants next month when I have time, as some of you suggested.
Thank you again!
posted by zxcvasdf at 11:38 AM on June 8
I should clarify that with the first chip, she was probably mad about other stuff too (I didn't tell her about it. I procrastinated and then forgot to tell her, so yeah that didn't help the situation). I didn't mean to make her sound unreasonable. We are just kind of on different brain lengths about house stuff so it's hard to always understand each other. And I can be inconsiderate in some ways (I think they are small but maybe not).
So part of my reasoning with the generous money offer is to make up for not always being the perfect roommate. But maybe that's fine. I would say none of us are perfect roommates... I might offer to go to Ikea and get her whatever plates she wants next month when I have time, as some of you suggested.
Thank you again!
posted by zxcvasdf at 11:38 AM on June 8
Response by poster: Oh yes, good point edencosmic, it is a color that is discontinued, you're right. Well, what can you do...
posted by zxcvasdf at 11:39 AM on June 8
posted by zxcvasdf at 11:39 AM on June 8
Apologize and ask how she'd like you to compensate her, and do it. Also, if you can think of a cheap but appreciated thing she'd like, like baking cookies (?) or a chore she hates, you could do it, and apologize again. If you're living in a "house meeting" type of arrangement (with additional roommates), you might discuss as a group how people generally prefer to be compensated for stuff like this. Also, if you can do it without attracting her attention, I would probably stop using her stuff. She may have insisted, but it's not worth the stress.
posted by unknowncommand at 12:30 PM on June 8 [1 favorite]
posted by unknowncommand at 12:30 PM on June 8 [1 favorite]
bluedaisy's script is just right. Practical items we choose to use in daily life get damaged. It should not be a big deal. Just be straightforward about it and compensate her. And if it's going to stress her out that much, use your own plates in the future.
posted by praemunire at 1:16 PM on June 8
posted by praemunire at 1:16 PM on June 8
If the color is discontinued, you can likely find a replacement on eBay or Etsy.
Also, insisting on dishes being used is accepting the normal risks around wear and tear. If the roommate values her dishware so much that she'll get upset if it's chipped, she shouldn't be adamant about using it.
posted by yellowcandy at 1:54 PM on June 8 [9 favorites]
Also, insisting on dishes being used is accepting the normal risks around wear and tear. If the roommate values her dishware so much that she'll get upset if it's chipped, she shouldn't be adamant about using it.
posted by yellowcandy at 1:54 PM on June 8 [9 favorites]
Maybe I've spent too much time around kids lately, but chipping two plates and mildly burning a spatula over the course of two years seems completely par for the course. People with irreplaceable stuff should be clear about that during roommate discussions. That said, some people are Very Careful with their stuff naturally, or have been taught all the right ways to treat knives and season pans and avoid scratching things, and that's important to know and respect. If you're someone who is not, you'll want to recognize this as soon as you can and give them wide berth so you don't breathe wrong on their pan or whatever.
That said, replacing stuff is a normal adult thing to do -- not just because it was originally theirs (also that) but because now your household has a burnt spatula. I'm not sure what your approach has been, but one approach could be "hey I'm going to IKEA -- should I get us a new set of plates?" Or when you're in Target, pick up a spatula and a few other things, like a new oven mitt or whatever the household needs. The goal here is to avoid casting her in the role of "adult" or even "enforcer" and just show up as another adult who is looking out for things. It sounds like you did that when you offered your kitchenware so I'm not assuming you aren't. Just saying it just in case.
Anyway, I agree with telling her by text so that you can get it over with, but maybe when you all move out you can say something like "hey I realize that we put wear and tear on your kitchenware and wondered if I could get you a pan you'd really like or a gift certificate to IKEA or something so that you can have something new for your new place?" I do tend to think that if the pans, plates, knives, and everything else have all been hers, then $50 is probably the right level - not for a single plate but for everything together. That said, if you manage to buy some new things that she can take with her, then that might be sufficient.
But again, don't feel bad. If I had to live somewhere where chipping a plate was a big deal, I'd lose my mind.
posted by slidell at 2:21 PM on June 8 [8 favorites]
That said, replacing stuff is a normal adult thing to do -- not just because it was originally theirs (also that) but because now your household has a burnt spatula. I'm not sure what your approach has been, but one approach could be "hey I'm going to IKEA -- should I get us a new set of plates?" Or when you're in Target, pick up a spatula and a few other things, like a new oven mitt or whatever the household needs. The goal here is to avoid casting her in the role of "adult" or even "enforcer" and just show up as another adult who is looking out for things. It sounds like you did that when you offered your kitchenware so I'm not assuming you aren't. Just saying it just in case.
Anyway, I agree with telling her by text so that you can get it over with, but maybe when you all move out you can say something like "hey I realize that we put wear and tear on your kitchenware and wondered if I could get you a pan you'd really like or a gift certificate to IKEA or something so that you can have something new for your new place?" I do tend to think that if the pans, plates, knives, and everything else have all been hers, then $50 is probably the right level - not for a single plate but for everything together. That said, if you manage to buy some new things that she can take with her, then that might be sufficient.
But again, don't feel bad. If I had to live somewhere where chipping a plate was a big deal, I'd lose my mind.
posted by slidell at 2:21 PM on June 8 [8 favorites]
The great thing about this is nothing here matters and it's all easily and cheaply replaced by you. It's just Ikea stuff, in other words your roommate is likely to get rid of it in a move or break it herself sometime in the next couple years, it's not like it was her grandmother's. Replace and move on! Maybe give her a couple extra as a token, it won't probably bring it up over your $50.
Probably you can get a discontinued one on eBay.
posted by kensington314 at 5:38 PM on June 8
Probably you can get a discontinued one on eBay.
posted by kensington314 at 5:38 PM on June 8
My roommate has full on broken my dishes and I don’t expect her to replace them? I feel like I approach this totally differently than the other commenters where it just isn’t a big deal to me because dishes will break if you use them. There’s one bowl I will be buying again once I end up at the store I got it from but I did get annoyed at the concept of having to make a special trip there for it. But I’m only replacing it with an identical one because my roommate and I use it constantly.
posted by azalea_chant at 10:53 PM on June 8 [3 favorites]
posted by azalea_chant at 10:53 PM on June 8 [3 favorites]
Chipping a plate is normal, Ikea stuff isn't particularly durable, and your roommate insisted you use her plates, meaning, they're going to break occasionally, so she's totally being unreasonable and you don't have to bend yourself into pretzels to accommodate that!
If they're old Ikea plates, the newer Ikea versions might not match - for instance their sage green and teal plates are now matte where they used to be shiny. A thrift shop or eBay might be your best bet for replacing them. If you don't have a sharp eye for stuff like matching the exact plate, then get someone to help you, I would definitely notice if a replacement plate wasn't quite right and it would keep reminding me to be annoyed.
Just add a few of your own plates to the cupboard and don't use her breakable stuff any more, and either replace hers or give her the $50.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 1:36 AM on June 9 [1 favorite]
If they're old Ikea plates, the newer Ikea versions might not match - for instance their sage green and teal plates are now matte where they used to be shiny. A thrift shop or eBay might be your best bet for replacing them. If you don't have a sharp eye for stuff like matching the exact plate, then get someone to help you, I would definitely notice if a replacement plate wasn't quite right and it would keep reminding me to be annoyed.
Just add a few of your own plates to the cupboard and don't use her breakable stuff any more, and either replace hers or give her the $50.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 1:36 AM on June 9 [1 favorite]
amtho's link above to Replacements Ltd, a huge warehouse of orphaned dishware and cookware, including discontinued items, is something someone who cares deeply about dishware may very much enjoy knowing about. Offer to pay for replacements there of the dishes you chipped, or give her a gift card to use after you're gone.
posted by mediareport at 4:47 AM on June 9 [1 favorite]
posted by mediareport at 4:47 AM on June 9 [1 favorite]
I just want to chime in to say that you are fine and some of these answers are wild. You used the word "broke" in your title, but you didn't actually break anything, right? Even if you had, your roommate's overreaction is out of line. Chips happen. Someone who insists that you use their things can't also become irrationally upset and make you walk on eggshells when they experience normal wear and tear. You don't need to seek out replacements or give them any money. You don't even need to tell them about it when they get home! It's a chipped plate! It's 100% not a big deal in the real world!
posted by CheeseLouise at 7:17 AM on June 9 [1 favorite]
posted by CheeseLouise at 7:17 AM on June 9 [1 favorite]
It's 100% not a big deal in the real world!
It's not, but it's a deal in OP and roommate's home. I don't think OP should wear sackcloth and ashes over this, but sometimes you have to accommodate a certain degree of unreasonableness to keep the peace.
posted by praemunire at 8:54 AM on June 9 [2 favorites]
It's not, but it's a deal in OP and roommate's home. I don't think OP should wear sackcloth and ashes over this, but sometimes you have to accommodate a certain degree of unreasonableness to keep the peace.
posted by praemunire at 8:54 AM on June 9 [2 favorites]
You should not be concerned about cosmetic damage to an IKEA plate that she insisted you use. She is out of line here - it is not humane for her to insist on using her stuff then berate you when you use her stuff.
posted by mrgoldenbrown at 2:53 PM on June 9 [1 favorite]
posted by mrgoldenbrown at 2:53 PM on June 9 [1 favorite]
I have fancy vintage plates I care about a lot because they're hard to come by and I've collected them over many years. I would never say "hey random people I'm rooming with, I insist you use these!" because I don't expect other people to care about them the way I do.
If you foist things onto other people who have no context for why it matters to you, you have no reasonable expectation to have those things cared for like you would. Especially if it's only chipped, not broken.
posted by Ferreous at 9:28 PM on June 9 [1 favorite]
If you foist things onto other people who have no context for why it matters to you, you have no reasonable expectation to have those things cared for like you would. Especially if it's only chipped, not broken.
posted by Ferreous at 9:28 PM on June 9 [1 favorite]
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Don't make a huge deal out of it; it's annoying for sure, but it's not the end of the world.
posted by hydra77 at 9:48 AM on June 8 [2 favorites]