New York City is seriously chafing me these days -- how can I deal?
May 27, 2024 1:01 PM Subscribe
I've lived in New York City for most of my adult life (coming up on 20 years) and I feel annoyed and aggrieved by my surroundings like never before. How can I deal?
I grew up in a rural/suburban area in the northeast but have lived in NYC since college 20 years ago. Stuck it out through Covid and all that, and I may have reached my breaking point. How can I cope and find some peace? The weather in the summer is so awful. On top of that, I hate the noise pollution, light pollution, and actual pollution from trash/pet excrement. It's horrible to witness abject human suffering on the street/public transit on a daily basis. I hate feeling like I am going to be struck by a scooter or asshole driver with blacked-out windows and illegal paper plates every time I step outside or cross a street. I hate being cooped up in a small 1-bedroom apartment in a typical moderately run-down building with no modern appliances or amenities or outdoor space of my own. All this said, I will have to live here for the foreseeable future, so how can I cope?
I grew up in a rural/suburban area in the northeast but have lived in NYC since college 20 years ago. Stuck it out through Covid and all that, and I may have reached my breaking point. How can I cope and find some peace? The weather in the summer is so awful. On top of that, I hate the noise pollution, light pollution, and actual pollution from trash/pet excrement. It's horrible to witness abject human suffering on the street/public transit on a daily basis. I hate feeling like I am going to be struck by a scooter or asshole driver with blacked-out windows and illegal paper plates every time I step outside or cross a street. I hate being cooped up in a small 1-bedroom apartment in a typical moderately run-down building with no modern appliances or amenities or outdoor space of my own. All this said, I will have to live here for the foreseeable future, so how can I cope?
Can you spend more time in green spaces? That might help with the cooped-up feeling and the disgust with trash and noise. Can you make it a goal to enjoy something "only in New York"-y once a week? A play, street music, a new-to-you museum--I live in a suburban area of the Northeast and it's tough to find these things. Find things to appreciate where you are.
posted by chaiminda at 1:10 PM on May 27 [6 favorites]
posted by chaiminda at 1:10 PM on May 27 [6 favorites]
Cities can feel really shitty if you don't focus your attention on the great things they offer, particularly opportunities to socialize, participate in group activities, perhaps do some volunteering, explore nooks and crannies and new neighbourhoods, make friends etc. Focusing on all the things cities do badly (especially American cities) is like going on a remote camping trip and bemoaning lack of access to modern life.
A lot of it is perspective shifting, and a lot of it is making an active choice to engage with the positive things around you, while perhaps doing things here and there to make things suck less for others.
posted by seanmpuckett at 1:14 PM on May 27 [6 favorites]
A lot of it is perspective shifting, and a lot of it is making an active choice to engage with the positive things around you, while perhaps doing things here and there to make things suck less for others.
posted by seanmpuckett at 1:14 PM on May 27 [6 favorites]
When I got depressed as a resident of Washington Heights for 18 years, during the 70s and 80s, I would escape to the nearby parks, or go to the great museums. I would walk thru Soho...then it was just becoming gentrified. We didn't have the crazy scooters, but we had lots of cocaine junkies. I donated what I could to organizations of my choice. The depression usually passed.
posted by Czjewel at 1:26 PM on May 27 [2 favorites]
posted by Czjewel at 1:26 PM on May 27 [2 favorites]
Non-Stop Metropolis has some good maps of the city. could be a fun way to start exploring
posted by HearHere at 1:26 PM on May 27 [2 favorites]
posted by HearHere at 1:26 PM on May 27 [2 favorites]
If you're like me at all, your NYC shrunk a lot during the pandemic, and if you're at all inclined to depression, it may not have rebounded. I think it can help a lot to be deliberate and conscious about re-expanding the boundaries of your world. You're out of the habit of seeking out new experiences, perhaps? Go back to that. Just this weekend I had a friend visiting, so I went to an outer-borough museum I'd never been to before and I thought, geez, how silly that I haven't done this ages ago. Make a habit of going to your nearest park. That sort of thing. If you don't make a point of cultivating the good, the bad can get overwhelming.
That said, while I love this city to death, it is not for all people at all times of their lives, and it's possible you may be passing out of your (or one of your) NYC era(s). It wouldn't make you a bad person or a failure if that were true.
posted by praemunire at 1:29 PM on May 27 [13 favorites]
That said, while I love this city to death, it is not for all people at all times of their lives, and it's possible you may be passing out of your (or one of your) NYC era(s). It wouldn't make you a bad person or a failure if that were true.
posted by praemunire at 1:29 PM on May 27 [13 favorites]
"I hate the noise pollution, light pollution, and actual pollution" - are you due for a check-up? All sorts of physical processes can get sort of run down after decades, & lower tolerance to these things.
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:43 PM on May 27
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:43 PM on May 27
I too have been in NYC for quite a while and loathed it for a number of years (see all my Ask posts about potential places to move). I'm still not a rah-rah, NYC is the only place for me person (and I hear you on hating summer here because I really do), but I've made my peace with living here, largely through making my NYC bigger and less rich-people focused.
So, much as everyone else is suggesting, I spend more time in less fancy but still nice/interesting neighborhoods and more time in the parks. So instead of walking around in Soho and then having lunch in the East Village, I might walk around Green Wood Cemetery and then pick up some snacks and drinks in Sunset Park and enjoy the park there. There are so, so many great parks and beaches available if you're willing to sit on the subway/ferry/bus for an hour (and I'm sure some are closer to your place).
Even if you don't have a lot of money to spend on extras, most of the museums are still accessible (you can get free tickets through the NYPL! And some free memberships/admissions through IDNYC.), parks are free & have lots of events, there are lots of plays/bands you can check out for not a lot of money, and just walking around is often fun and leads to interesting discoveries. Give yourself some little projects relevant to your interests (e.g. if you like public art and history, go see the Audubon murals uptown and learn why they're there). And there are lots of ways to volunteer and get involved in the life of your neighborhood if you're not already. Or, hey, run for your Community Board and really, really get involved.
Also, get blackout curtains if you don't have them already!
posted by snaw at 1:55 PM on May 27 [4 favorites]
So, much as everyone else is suggesting, I spend more time in less fancy but still nice/interesting neighborhoods and more time in the parks. So instead of walking around in Soho and then having lunch in the East Village, I might walk around Green Wood Cemetery and then pick up some snacks and drinks in Sunset Park and enjoy the park there. There are so, so many great parks and beaches available if you're willing to sit on the subway/ferry/bus for an hour (and I'm sure some are closer to your place).
Even if you don't have a lot of money to spend on extras, most of the museums are still accessible (you can get free tickets through the NYPL! And some free memberships/admissions through IDNYC.), parks are free & have lots of events, there are lots of plays/bands you can check out for not a lot of money, and just walking around is often fun and leads to interesting discoveries. Give yourself some little projects relevant to your interests (e.g. if you like public art and history, go see the Audubon murals uptown and learn why they're there). And there are lots of ways to volunteer and get involved in the life of your neighborhood if you're not already. Or, hey, run for your Community Board and really, really get involved.
Also, get blackout curtains if you don't have them already!
posted by snaw at 1:55 PM on May 27 [4 favorites]
I try to do most of my errands as early in the morning as possible. The city is a very different place at 7am than it is at 4pm, no matter what day of the week it is, and that also includes early morning walks.
If you have any ability to spend a day or a weekend away from the city, then do, preferably leaving on a Saturday morning to avoid the Friday night craziness.
Are you sure you need to stay exactly where you are? Would it be at all possible to move to an outer borough or a quieter neighborhood, maybe even a suburban town? A longer commute might give you more peace on the weekends and at the end of the day. Maybe just looking might give you a sense of agency, or a sense of possibilities of living differently without having to drastically alter where you live (since you say you have to stay).
posted by maggiemaggie at 1:59 PM on May 27 [7 favorites]
If you have any ability to spend a day or a weekend away from the city, then do, preferably leaving on a Saturday morning to avoid the Friday night craziness.
Are you sure you need to stay exactly where you are? Would it be at all possible to move to an outer borough or a quieter neighborhood, maybe even a suburban town? A longer commute might give you more peace on the weekends and at the end of the day. Maybe just looking might give you a sense of agency, or a sense of possibilities of living differently without having to drastically alter where you live (since you say you have to stay).
posted by maggiemaggie at 1:59 PM on May 27 [7 favorites]
You may have reached that time in a New Yorker's life when they move upstate, to New Jersey, or to LA.
A dry heat, a patio of your own, legally turning right on a red light.
Until that day, get out of the city to see real greenery as much as possible. NY has some great parks, but I recently entered Prospect Park in a good mood and left muttering "we're living in a society" like George Costanza. New Yorkers are even more themselves when the weather gets hot.
posted by betweenthebars at 2:01 PM on May 27 [5 favorites]
A dry heat, a patio of your own, legally turning right on a red light.
Until that day, get out of the city to see real greenery as much as possible. NY has some great parks, but I recently entered Prospect Park in a good mood and left muttering "we're living in a society" like George Costanza. New Yorkers are even more themselves when the weather gets hot.
posted by betweenthebars at 2:01 PM on May 27 [5 favorites]
It's a long subway ride (maybe not so bad on the right express) but Inwood Hill Park is not 'like' being in the woods but literally in the woods.
posted by sammyo at 2:24 PM on May 27 [1 favorite]
posted by sammyo at 2:24 PM on May 27 [1 favorite]
Echoing everyone who says get out and walk. During the worst of the pandemic, I did a marathon plus every Friday and even now do several ridiculously long ones each year. Being near water helps a lot, too...
posted by AJaffe at 2:32 PM on May 27 [1 favorite]
posted by AJaffe at 2:32 PM on May 27 [1 favorite]
Best answer: The NYBG is extremely restorative and annual membership isn't bad. If you haven't been, it really is worthwhile.
I also am here to echo your complaints; it doesn't sound like you're depressed. The city is not totally awful, but it's very wearing right now. In particular, the sense of being at the center of the world while there is so much accelerating instability is nerve-wracking. And then the minor annoyances are also more substantial than they were in the past.
posted by luckdragon at 4:02 PM on May 27 [4 favorites]
I also am here to echo your complaints; it doesn't sound like you're depressed. The city is not totally awful, but it's very wearing right now. In particular, the sense of being at the center of the world while there is so much accelerating instability is nerve-wracking. And then the minor annoyances are also more substantial than they were in the past.
posted by luckdragon at 4:02 PM on May 27 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Boy oh boy, do I feel your pain. I’m not quite at the end of my rope 100%, but I’m thinking more seriously about my exit strategy, to the point of visiting open houses for properties upstate. But the interesting effect that has had is making me more appreciative of what I do like about the city, and what I’d miss when I do eventually leave. I honestly have no clue about what might actually happen in the near future, but knowing I have options and staying is one of them has made me feel a lot better.
posted by Fuego at 5:08 PM on May 27 [3 favorites]
posted by Fuego at 5:08 PM on May 27 [3 favorites]
Can you work remotely for medium to long stretches? Perhaps you could look into apartment swaps with people in other locations that appeal to you for weeks or months at a time?
posted by greta simone at 6:02 PM on May 27 [1 favorite]
posted by greta simone at 6:02 PM on May 27 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Hi, I also live in NYC and also grew up in rural places and sometimes feel that way.
I've coped in the past by seeking out places where you can find peace and quiet, but also are still in the city:
* Specific little-visited galleries at museums
* Little tucked-away corners of the big parks
* Finding other big parks in the outer boroughs
* Finding places where you can just vibe in nature
* Day trips or weekend trips upstate using public transit (I literally just today came back from a weekend in Woodstock, in fact)
So yeah, when the city has gotten to me I've either gone to hit up my favorite painting at the Met (and I do have a favorite), or snuck over to a specific out-of-the-way part of Prospect Park or hit up the hammocks in Governors Island or gone to chill out in a community garden. I also know of places in Staten Island and in Inwood and in the Bronx which feel like you're in the middle of nowhere (there's a 7-mile hiking trail on Staten Island I've been to twice and seen more deer on the trail than I did people).
If you want a trail guide or some other ideas Memail me.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:03 PM on May 27 [2 favorites]
I've coped in the past by seeking out places where you can find peace and quiet, but also are still in the city:
* Specific little-visited galleries at museums
* Little tucked-away corners of the big parks
* Finding other big parks in the outer boroughs
* Finding places where you can just vibe in nature
* Day trips or weekend trips upstate using public transit (I literally just today came back from a weekend in Woodstock, in fact)
So yeah, when the city has gotten to me I've either gone to hit up my favorite painting at the Met (and I do have a favorite), or snuck over to a specific out-of-the-way part of Prospect Park or hit up the hammocks in Governors Island or gone to chill out in a community garden. I also know of places in Staten Island and in Inwood and in the Bronx which feel like you're in the middle of nowhere (there's a 7-mile hiking trail on Staten Island I've been to twice and seen more deer on the trail than I did people).
If you want a trail guide or some other ideas Memail me.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:03 PM on May 27 [2 favorites]
Best answer: How long is the foreseeable future? When I was getting exhausted by the city and knew I was going to leave NYC within 12-18 months, I planned a kind of victory tour: I made a point to visit my favorite places and places I'd always intended to go but never had. It tied a bow on everything.
Also I might have kept this Onion article on my fridge until the pages curled. It gave me a deep, abiding solace in the fact that, yes, most of us hit our NYC breaking point in the end.
posted by mochapickle at 7:09 PM on May 27 [4 favorites]
Also I might have kept this Onion article on my fridge until the pages curled. It gave me a deep, abiding solace in the fact that, yes, most of us hit our NYC breaking point in the end.
posted by mochapickle at 7:09 PM on May 27 [4 favorites]
Yeah, green spaces and quiet spaces are the way to go. Obviously nobody needs to tell you about the big parks and gardens but have you considered:
- The Temple of Dendur at the Met
- The Cloisters
- Green-Wood or Woodlawn
- The Earth Room
- Elizabeth Street Garden
- The Tudor City Greens
- The Elevated Acre
- The Lotus Garden
Depending on how long the foreseeable future is, you could make it a long-term project to seek out the restorative pockets of the city—there are many and they're wonderful. (I did actually burn out and leave but it had a lot to do with pandemic constraints—if I'd been able to visit the Temple of Dendur in the previous year, who knows what that might have done to my tolerance for living in a tiny box with no windows to speak of.)
posted by babelfish at 7:58 PM on May 27 [2 favorites]
- The Temple of Dendur at the Met
- The Cloisters
- Green-Wood or Woodlawn
- The Earth Room
- Elizabeth Street Garden
- The Tudor City Greens
- The Elevated Acre
- The Lotus Garden
Depending on how long the foreseeable future is, you could make it a long-term project to seek out the restorative pockets of the city—there are many and they're wonderful. (I did actually burn out and leave but it had a lot to do with pandemic constraints—if I'd been able to visit the Temple of Dendur in the previous year, who knows what that might have done to my tolerance for living in a tiny box with no windows to speak of.)
posted by babelfish at 7:58 PM on May 27 [2 favorites]
Do you have the means to purchase and park a car and or join a car share?
I’ve found that having access to a car to just be able to take off to more far flung/chiller spots, even if only for the day, to be kinda life changing.
posted by greta simone at 9:02 PM on May 27
I’ve found that having access to a car to just be able to take off to more far flung/chiller spots, even if only for the day, to be kinda life changing.
posted by greta simone at 9:02 PM on May 27
Oh, another thing - we are entering the summer season here in NYC, and that means there are going to be a METRIC ASSLOAD of free concerts, movies, dance performances, and suchlike. Check those out.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:09 AM on May 28
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:09 AM on May 28
Best answer: I, too, feel your pain. I lived in NYC my whole life except for college and it is a hard city. Crowded, noisy, smelly and full of people that don't care about anyone but themselves. The city has changed from the 70s to the 80s to the 90s to now and it will change again.
I try to go against the crowds. Go to special places when people are not there (i.e. - do not visit museums and parks during the weekend but use the weekdays) and use weekends for errands like the post office. I love the post office on the weekends - James A Farley is great! For truly special things, get a membership so you can go during early hours or after hours (i.e. - Botanical Gardens, MOMA, etc.). I also really love Staten Island. Snug Harbor and the Staten Island Museum are special places and just a bus ride away from the Staten Island ferry. You can hike the Greenbelt and even volunteer to help maintain the trails. Staten Island also has a pretty good boardwalk along South Beach. The middle of the island has Historic Richmondtown - a colonial history town which is quiet and nice.
Manhattan streets are currently a nightmare. I now deliberately plan my routes to avoid the worst areas where people are genuinely nuts (i.e. - taking off their pants and pooing on the sidewalk or screaming at people passing by). There are blocks that are better maintained.
Forming loose relationships with people also really helps. I try to see some of the same people everyday and have conversations. My local barista, my neighbor, the superintendent in my building, security guards near by - all part of my daily network. They are not close friends but just people who ground you through your day.
posted by ichimunki at 8:06 AM on May 28 [3 favorites]
I try to go against the crowds. Go to special places when people are not there (i.e. - do not visit museums and parks during the weekend but use the weekdays) and use weekends for errands like the post office. I love the post office on the weekends - James A Farley is great! For truly special things, get a membership so you can go during early hours or after hours (i.e. - Botanical Gardens, MOMA, etc.). I also really love Staten Island. Snug Harbor and the Staten Island Museum are special places and just a bus ride away from the Staten Island ferry. You can hike the Greenbelt and even volunteer to help maintain the trails. Staten Island also has a pretty good boardwalk along South Beach. The middle of the island has Historic Richmondtown - a colonial history town which is quiet and nice.
Manhattan streets are currently a nightmare. I now deliberately plan my routes to avoid the worst areas where people are genuinely nuts (i.e. - taking off their pants and pooing on the sidewalk or screaming at people passing by). There are blocks that are better maintained.
Forming loose relationships with people also really helps. I try to see some of the same people everyday and have conversations. My local barista, my neighbor, the superintendent in my building, security guards near by - all part of my daily network. They are not close friends but just people who ground you through your day.
posted by ichimunki at 8:06 AM on May 28 [3 favorites]
I'll second the voices suggesting you consider moving to an outer borough. I'm currently living in London and, about 10 months ago, did the same thing after having claustrophobic nightmares after agreeing to rent a noisy, suffocating coffin of an apartment in a central neighborhood. I called the following morning and got out of that agreement and immediately started looking outer instead of inner.
Oh, my word am I glad for it. For the same rent, I have a ground floor one bedroom with good light, good ventilation, and a private patio that is as large as (if not larger than) the flat itself. I grilled eggplants and garlic the day I moved in out there. I watched autumn arrive, planted greens that grew through winter, and now I'm watching peas and beans (and soon tomatoes) taking root and reaching for the sky as much as I was when I got here. I can walk to a bucolic stretch of the river in about 5 minutes, and I can take a cheap "ferry" across to one of the biggest urban parks I've ever experienced. I've still got a nice neighborhood center with groceries and coffee and socializing with strangers, and there's a glossier part of town 10 minutes away by bike for the times when the urge strikes. London natives talk about my part of town like it's the moon, but like six times an hour I can be to Waterloo in 20 minutes, and from there it's ten minutes tube to my office if I don't want to fuss with the 30 minute walk. Honestly, sometimes I feel closer to the city life I want now that I'm accessing it as desired via a suburban train rather than via the crowded, hot, poorly ventilated tube that has to halt at every stop. There are trade-offs--I'm closer to a noisy airport, there aren't a bunch of vegan restaurants underfoot so I have to cook even when I don't really want to--but even those things benefit me in their own ways.
There were times in my life when I thought I'd struggle to yield an inch of whatever city I happened to be living in. I'm happy to see that that's no longer justified. I'm still here, just... a little further over there.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:44 AM on May 28 [1 favorite]
Oh, my word am I glad for it. For the same rent, I have a ground floor one bedroom with good light, good ventilation, and a private patio that is as large as (if not larger than) the flat itself. I grilled eggplants and garlic the day I moved in out there. I watched autumn arrive, planted greens that grew through winter, and now I'm watching peas and beans (and soon tomatoes) taking root and reaching for the sky as much as I was when I got here. I can walk to a bucolic stretch of the river in about 5 minutes, and I can take a cheap "ferry" across to one of the biggest urban parks I've ever experienced. I've still got a nice neighborhood center with groceries and coffee and socializing with strangers, and there's a glossier part of town 10 minutes away by bike for the times when the urge strikes. London natives talk about my part of town like it's the moon, but like six times an hour I can be to Waterloo in 20 minutes, and from there it's ten minutes tube to my office if I don't want to fuss with the 30 minute walk. Honestly, sometimes I feel closer to the city life I want now that I'm accessing it as desired via a suburban train rather than via the crowded, hot, poorly ventilated tube that has to halt at every stop. There are trade-offs--I'm closer to a noisy airport, there aren't a bunch of vegan restaurants underfoot so I have to cook even when I don't really want to--but even those things benefit me in their own ways.
There were times in my life when I thought I'd struggle to yield an inch of whatever city I happened to be living in. I'm happy to see that that's no longer justified. I'm still here, just... a little further over there.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:44 AM on May 28 [1 favorite]
Seconding what ichimunki said about loose relationships. Sometimes when I’m feeling like this city is full of soulless, uncaring people, I think about those small interactions I have that are unique to my neighborhood—the station agent who waves at me every time I get off the train, the doormen I chat with (in buildings I don’t even live in!), the stoop cat I pet every time I see her when I’m walking home from the gym, the two little Russian girls who squeal with joy every time they see me walking my dog—there are a lot of people and things I wouldn’t miss at all, but I would miss these people a ton.
posted by Fuego at 1:33 PM on May 28 [2 favorites]
posted by Fuego at 1:33 PM on May 28 [2 favorites]
I have my own particular method of staying sane in this place, but you will need to find your own path. Does it include outdoor space? A new hobby or activity? A new job? Do you need to find a group of people? Do you need to move to another building? Another neighborhood? Another borough? Or just leave? I know you said you were here for the "foreseeable future," but nobody *has* to stay anywhere. If you think another place will suit you better, then start researching and looking at other towns. That's just another hobby of New Yorkers: saying how sick of everything we are and where we are going. Eventually!
(My own way is riding a bike, for my commute and for my primary exercise and socializing channel. I know it's not for everybody. I specifically moved to my neighborhood to be closer to the places I ride. I've worked a lot of different jobs, and while I don't make a lot of money, I have a decent housing situation and a good network of friends, and yes, I daydream about eventually moving elsewhere.)
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 9:01 PM on May 28
(My own way is riding a bike, for my commute and for my primary exercise and socializing channel. I know it's not for everybody. I specifically moved to my neighborhood to be closer to the places I ride. I've worked a lot of different jobs, and while I don't make a lot of money, I have a decent housing situation and a good network of friends, and yes, I daydream about eventually moving elsewhere.)
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 9:01 PM on May 28
One of the last things I did before moving out of New York was take a looooong train ride to Brighton Beach, go to the giant Russian grocery store (looking at google I'm thinking Netcost), and buy some of those chocolate covered plum candies. Adjust for your interests, but for me this hit a lot of what I love about New York: the magic of flat fee public transportation! There are so many neighborhoods you probably never go to, and it's fun to see them from the elevated train or bus window! Cosmopolitan diversity! Ability to buy very specific things! Surprising proximity to nature! Food!
posted by umwelt at 9:11 PM on May 30
posted by umwelt at 9:11 PM on May 30
You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments
posted by capricorn at 1:07 PM on May 27 [7 favorites]