How would you respond?

April 22, 2024 8:30 PM

Previously I have a pretty nice co worker, and today I began telling her about that person in link.

Since she is nineteen (Or twenty-one, I am not sure) she said that "I think you'd have to be pretty ignorant not to know names" and then, "I was all like, Rumi, how did you forget his name?" I have two degrees--I'm not ignorant.

She was vaccinated with a phonograph needle (just goes on and on) Which is fine, mostly she's charming.

I can't get it out of my head. I don't expect her to know more than she knows about aging and memory loss, but I can't get it out of my head. I fell in the trap; I mentioned my pneumonia but she just came back with "OH, I've had lots of surgeries."

(The story of my levels:When I was in ER the oxygen levels were so low the doctor said, "This machine is broken. Get another one."

How would you respond or would you at all?
I can manage the customers if my co-workers are on my side, but I can't be at odds with both.

PS I'm working hardand getting better, but I doubt it will be ever100%

posted by Rumi'sLeftSock to Work & Money (19 answers total)

Co-workers are not friends. They don't have to empathize and understand your whole situation in order to work together productively. It's nice to be around people who are understanding and supportive, but making this into a problem with her isn't appropriate in my opinion. I would extend the grace that everyone says things offhand sometimes that offend someone unintentionally and try to let this go.

(Link appears to be broken so I don't know the context)
posted by lookoutbelow at 8:47 PM on April 22 [14 favorites]

Best answer: She's not an empathetic person and doesn't value it when you tell her about yourself, so don't share stuff you have feelings about. She has proven that you can't trust her to react in a kind way.
posted by Omnomnom at 10:14 PM on April 22 [5 favorites]

Mod note: (Fixed the link)
posted by taz (staff) at 10:28 PM on April 22 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I have now read the link, and I will just add, yes I too would find this person somewhat aggravating. But I've worked with many somewhat aggravating people. I'd go crazy if I engaged with their behaviours as personal slights against me.

One other perspective thing. You're reading this as "she was insensitive to my struggles". But people who talk a lot tend not to listen a lot, she may well not remember stuff you've told her. And also people who talk a lot tend not to have a filter where they pre-think to make sure they don't bother people. They just say stuff. Some of them don't care about bothering people, others don't have insight into others' sensitivities. Or maybe she was trying to make a joke and the tone came off wrong. In any event, put the same amount of care into engaging with her as she does with you (probably not much). For me, that means treating comments like this as white noise to be ignored.
posted by lookoutbelow at 10:44 PM on April 22

I doubt that she would be able to remember the name of every single person who comes past you in your role (your previous question mentions 250 people in four hours). My first guess if someone said something like that to me in that situation would be sarcasm. Whether it was or not, it's not something I would make any sort of deal about, much less a big one. File that particular co-worker under 'lacks empathy and/or possibly sarcastic' and move on.

It's not something you need to be at odds with her about. You don't have to be besties with everyone you work with to be productive and get along as well as is necessary to do your job.
posted by dg at 10:49 PM on April 22 [1 favorite]

Best answer: She's 19? (Or 21, not much different). Having been an RA for a dorm full of 19 year olds, I wouldn't think much of it. They were peeing in the drinking fountains of the dorm and I had to put up signs. She hasn't grown up yet and her opinion here doesn't matter.
posted by fern at 12:46 AM on April 23 [12 favorites]

Best answer: She's just a kid. Kids are sometimes thoughtless, usually self-centered. I'm sure she is generally pretty nice, but in this case, she fell short. Don't respond, let it go, and forgive her if you can. She doesn't really know you and isn't really trying to be cruel or hurt your feelings deliberately.

From what you say in your last post, you sound like you're very good at your job and you probably brighten the day of most of the people with whom you interact. Personally, I always notice when I have a brief, positive interaction with someone who is public facing and it always gives me a little lift. Try not to let the few crabcakes get you down and focus on the people who walk away from your station smiling. Your politeness, humor, and warmth made their day better and contributed to the sum total of grace in the world. That's important stuff!
posted by merriment at 4:25 AM on April 23 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Respectfully, you are over explaining to the point of defensiveness. So she's claiming to be better at remembering hundreds of names? There is no way to win at this conversation. There is also no losing at this conversation. It's just an immature person with an ill-considered opinion. Nothing more. This is not a right vs wrong situation.

You will do yourself a huge favor if you let go of needing other people to understand where you're coming from.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 4:53 AM on April 23 [19 favorites]

Best answer: Oh by the way — when young people say ‘ignorant’ these days they mean ‘not paying attention’, as in ‘ignoring’. Still insulting, but she didn’t think you’re ignorant in the proper sense of the word.
posted by lokta at 5:33 AM on April 23

I wouldn’t say anything, I’d just make a mental note that this is someone who responds to (story about me) with flippant comments or stories about herself*, and perhaps share less about myself with her if that would bother me.

*to be clear - this is sometimes a really reasonable way to respond, it’s sometimes tied to autism, I do it myself perhaps more than I should, but if it’s something that doesn’t play nicely with your own brain stuff it’s fine to just minimize the chances for it to happen.
posted by Stacey at 6:15 AM on April 23

Best answer: I'd give yourself permission to occasionally be firm. I'm not sure how you responded, but you'd have been well in your right to say "Ignorance has nothing to do with not being able to remember hundreds of different names each day" or some variation of that. Obviously the goal is to be polite with co-workers, but if they say something rude to you it's ok to push back a bit. But I also wouldn't worry at all about this one interaction - I doubt your co-worker is ruminating on this.
posted by coffeecat at 7:41 AM on April 23

I wouldn't expect a co-worker that is half my age to care about my health issues.

Therapists, close friends, and morning pages are for venting and support, while co-workers are for discussing the weather and possibly exchanging recommendations for places near work that are good for lunch.
posted by betweenthebars at 8:12 AM on April 23 [10 favorites]

I'm not sure why you were even discussing an incident from almost exactly two years ago with this coworker anyway?

Was she supposed to agree with you that that guy (again, two years ago!) was out of line? That it is hard to remember names? If she's 19 or 21 she likely does not find it hard. I'm just not sure what she could have said to you in response to the prompts you offered. To the mention of pneumonia I suppose a more socially savvy person with more experience might have known to say something like "that must have been hard/scary!" or similar, but it also seems quite normal that a young person might think "hey, actually we have something in common, I've had health stuff also."

It doesn't sound like she is "at odds" with you, it sounds like she was a little confused about what conversation you were trying to have and unsure about how to respond. People above are correct that coworkers aren't usually the proper channel for health venting; this is for a number of reasons but especially because people aren't great at handling those topics tactfully, and now as you see you feel uncomfortable/at odds with someone that you need to work with.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:58 AM on April 23 [7 favorites]

She's not at odds with you. You're having a very personal conversation with someone who is barely more than a child. She was probably confused as to what you expected from her, and honestly I am too. Co-workers are for working with, not for vulnerable sharing with expectations of comfort and sympathy. I think you will have better luck feeling aligned if you keep things more professional, and save sorting out your feelings for friends and your therapist.
posted by ananci at 12:20 PM on April 23 [7 favorites]

You are over 50 and she is barely out of her teens. Almost certainly as far as she is concerned, you are a fossil, a relic from another age and she simply does not care that much. It's really hard to communicate past an age gap that large and without a super compelling reason to do so - you're related to her, you are her direct supervisor - most younger people are just not going to bother much. Think back to your own early 20s. If a much older coworker was telling you some story from ancient history - to a 21 year old, two years ago is ancient history - would you have cared enough to reply sensitively or even known how to do that? Probably not. She has no idea how sensitive a subject memory loss can be for older people or what it feels like when you forget something. In the fullness of time, she'll find out but until then? Just chalk it up to youth and let it go.
posted by mygothlaundry at 12:27 PM on April 23 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: You know I feel so embarrassed by some of these comments, like I should have known this. For those bringing up the age gap, another coworker is 19-- pleasant and tactful, and a delight to be around and to converse with--we talk about books we read, what we did or are going to do over the weekend.

Having said that, thanks for the reality check, and I really appreciate the information. I think too highly of people, and as a HSP, among others, am absolutely crushed when they are rude or don't understand me.

Normally I do subscribe to the "work friends are separate from other kinds of friends" but she seemed like she was getting personal right away. Perhaps I read her wrong?

And, to the one who asked why I had this conversation two years later--it bothers me. It STILL bothers me. It makes me feel incompetent and embarrassed (you can thank my family of origin for that, and yes, I do see a professional on a regular basis). And it bothers me that I am being reminded of it every time I ask a patron. I simply don't have the bandwidth to keep 1000+ names that go with faces in my brain.

I appreciate the propping up, and the input that I am not all f****d up after all. The good thing is, my memory is so poor I won't even remember when it's all over.
posted by Rumi'sLeftSock at 2:13 PM on April 23 [1 favorite]

You're checking in approximately a person per minute for a four hour stretch?
I'm surprised if you recognize ANY of the people unless they have very unusual names... and perhaps not even then.
posted by stormyteal at 8:43 PM on April 23 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: To clarify: I believe the pneumonia is why my memory is so poor. Again, the O2 was so low the doctor asked for a new machine.

It's not a matter of willpower for me.

But it's a trap to get into that, and defensive. And, as some point out, confusing.
posted by Rumi'sLeftSock at 8:48 AM on April 24

Response by poster: (coffeecat) And, this was another job, but the last time I stood up for myself BOTH coworkers ran to the boss and I was the one who got in trouble. So I'm kind of cured of speaking back to people.
posted by Rumi'sLeftSock at 9:00 AM on April 24