Selfish breadwinner?
April 10, 2024 5:02 AM Subscribe
Hello mefites. I need help understanding why I am not ok being the breadwinner when my salary definitely supports it.
I am in a helping people profession that happens to have a very high salary (think doctor, but I am not a doctor). My spouse has a PhD in humanities and teaches two or three classes per term as an adjunct. His pay is abysmal, like $12 an hour when you account for all the grading, student meetings, etc. He probably works 25-30 hours per week, plus commute. We were in these professions when we met and fell in love, late 30s.
We got married and had a kid. We split household chores evenly (one person doing household chores while the other has the toddler). He also does one weekday of childcare instead of kiddo going to daycare that day while I am working.
I had a period of time last year where my job got really stressful and I wanted to quit. I asked spouse to look for a better paying job. He said yes but later admitted he didn't try very hard because he really doesn't want to change jobs. Meanwhile I figured out a way to make a job switch within my organization for less stress. My current role is not that high stress and the hours are currently manageable (usually 40ish and I have some autonomy). I am lucky to have found this solution.
This financial set up is fine on paper. We paid off his student loans. He hadn't saved for retirement and now will have the benefit of my salary to ensure that we retire comfortably. We own a small place (2 bed/1 bath) in a neighborhood we like.
There isn't a reason we need him to get a job with decent pay and benefits. We can live on my salary and be quite comfortable. And yet. I really would like him to just get a proper job and for me to not be the only one who can contribute to the retirement or the college fund. But we really don't need him to do so.
I realize how privileged this all sounds. I didn't set out to make money (quite the opposite). And I detest how capitalism makes everybody white knuckle through the life-cycle. I just inadvertently ended up making a bunch of money. Given that good fortune, why can't I let my spouse enjoy his passion project instead of wanting him to get a full time gig with benefits? I resent that he was able to just trust that the universe would provide, and voila I provide, but honestly what is wrong with that? He lucked out and "married rich" in a way. I seem to not be able to just let him enjoy that good fortune and I...really don't like that about myself. I need your help figuring out why I am feeling like this (mindset of "my money" "your money" which is not actually how I want this marriage to be).
He is a loving spouse. We have talked about this and he is willing to resume a job search if I want him to do so. But I am struggling with why I want that.
If you have had to adjust to the role of breadwinner, not because of partner's disability or desire to be a stay at home parent but just because of their job choice, how did you do it? Or, aside from finances, if you have noticed yourself being a bean counter with your partner, how did you stop being like that?
Thanks for your insights!
We got married and had a kid. We split household chores evenly (one person doing household chores while the other has the toddler). He also does one weekday of childcare instead of kiddo going to daycare that day while I am working.
I had a period of time last year where my job got really stressful and I wanted to quit. I asked spouse to look for a better paying job. He said yes but later admitted he didn't try very hard because he really doesn't want to change jobs. Meanwhile I figured out a way to make a job switch within my organization for less stress. My current role is not that high stress and the hours are currently manageable (usually 40ish and I have some autonomy). I am lucky to have found this solution.
This financial set up is fine on paper. We paid off his student loans. He hadn't saved for retirement and now will have the benefit of my salary to ensure that we retire comfortably. We own a small place (2 bed/1 bath) in a neighborhood we like.
There isn't a reason we need him to get a job with decent pay and benefits. We can live on my salary and be quite comfortable. And yet. I really would like him to just get a proper job and for me to not be the only one who can contribute to the retirement or the college fund. But we really don't need him to do so.
I realize how privileged this all sounds. I didn't set out to make money (quite the opposite). And I detest how capitalism makes everybody white knuckle through the life-cycle. I just inadvertently ended up making a bunch of money. Given that good fortune, why can't I let my spouse enjoy his passion project instead of wanting him to get a full time gig with benefits? I resent that he was able to just trust that the universe would provide, and voila I provide, but honestly what is wrong with that? He lucked out and "married rich" in a way. I seem to not be able to just let him enjoy that good fortune and I...really don't like that about myself. I need your help figuring out why I am feeling like this (mindset of "my money" "your money" which is not actually how I want this marriage to be).
He is a loving spouse. We have talked about this and he is willing to resume a job search if I want him to do so. But I am struggling with why I want that.
If you have had to adjust to the role of breadwinner, not because of partner's disability or desire to be a stay at home parent but just because of their job choice, how did you do it? Or, aside from finances, if you have noticed yourself being a bean counter with your partner, how did you stop being like that?
Thanks for your insights!
Could it be that the "free" time imbalance isn't meeting your need for shared responsibility?
posted by concinnity at 5:14 AM on April 10 [35 favorites]
posted by concinnity at 5:14 AM on April 10 [35 favorites]
When I was married and the primary breadwinner (and always carrying the whole family's insurance), I resented that I had so much less freedom than my spouse. He could quit or switch jobs or whatever, but if I did that it would put the family in a dire position. It was a lot of PRESSURE and I felt trapped in a different way than he was.
And your spouse made it extra clear that they don't consider supporting the family their responsibility by failing to step up when asked.
(No advice, but clearly identifying the source of your feelings can help, and maybe some of this is true for you.)
posted by metasarah at 5:17 AM on April 10 [38 favorites]
And your spouse made it extra clear that they don't consider supporting the family their responsibility by failing to step up when asked.
(No advice, but clearly identifying the source of your feelings can help, and maybe some of this is true for you.)
posted by metasarah at 5:17 AM on April 10 [38 favorites]
40 plus stress does not equal 25 low-stress. That’s a major imbalance and you’re not splitting things evenly. They need to step up a lot to make it equal and that could be a bunch of ways - do you need your evenings completely chore free? To be able to take weekends off completely, or they do more of the boring parenting and housework? Talk about it, with a third party if necessary.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:21 AM on April 10 [37 favorites]
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:21 AM on April 10 [37 favorites]
Or, aside from finances, if you have noticed yourself being a bean counter with your partner, how did you stop being like that?
So, as I'm sure you're aware, the other gender asymmetry is much more normative, and it's much more normative because of social inequities. It is very, very rare in my experience to have succeeded in flipping this. Let me describe how my wife (who is paid fine, but substantially less than me; she's in a field where the highest possible salaries are just quite a bit lower than mine) and I manage the bean counting: we take the ratio of our salaries, and contribute to our common funds/expenses from our salaries according to that ratio. (We're also not extremely fastidious about keeping this up to date.) I realize that this is the exact opposite of what you seem to want -- it emphasizes that she *should* be contributing less than me financially. But I think it's very worth realizing that the opposite gender asymmetry is no less of a headfuck than the one you're experience.
Agreed though that equal division of chores is probably not actually working out to be equitable, or perhaps even equal.
I resent that he was able to just trust that the universe would provide, and voila I provide, but honestly what is wrong with that? He lucked out and "married rich" in a way.
I think you may want to consider unpacking some of the hidden assumptions here in individual therapy, or perhaps couples therapy. There's quite a bit of (fairly gender-norm-loaded) contempt for his career here that may not (or I suppose, may) really be about him.
posted by advil at 5:22 AM on April 10 [13 favorites]
So, as I'm sure you're aware, the other gender asymmetry is much more normative, and it's much more normative because of social inequities. It is very, very rare in my experience to have succeeded in flipping this. Let me describe how my wife (who is paid fine, but substantially less than me; she's in a field where the highest possible salaries are just quite a bit lower than mine) and I manage the bean counting: we take the ratio of our salaries, and contribute to our common funds/expenses from our salaries according to that ratio. (We're also not extremely fastidious about keeping this up to date.) I realize that this is the exact opposite of what you seem to want -- it emphasizes that she *should* be contributing less than me financially. But I think it's very worth realizing that the opposite gender asymmetry is no less of a headfuck than the one you're experience.
Agreed though that equal division of chores is probably not actually working out to be equitable, or perhaps even equal.
I resent that he was able to just trust that the universe would provide, and voila I provide, but honestly what is wrong with that? He lucked out and "married rich" in a way.
I think you may want to consider unpacking some of the hidden assumptions here in individual therapy, or perhaps couples therapy. There's quite a bit of (fairly gender-norm-loaded) contempt for his career here that may not (or I suppose, may) really be about him.
posted by advil at 5:22 AM on April 10 [13 favorites]
The feels concinnity suggested above are a big part of what ultimately broke up my marriage.
You are in effect subsidizing his enjoyment, Anon. You are giving him a huge, huge gift of time, which we only have so much of, and freedom. Sometimes that can feel okay; it did for a long time for me. When you're under work stress, much less so.
I agree with advil that you're not feeling much respect for his work. I don't necessarily agree that that's unwarranted, though; only you can say. (My ex... ugh. I wish he'd been doing something as worthwhile as teaching.) But feeling that the gift of time you are giving this man, he's wasting? That's a lousy feeling.
So, if this resonates with you, I think a feasible way to make it better is not to ignore the money -- that's real -- but to also address the time imbalance between you. I think dorothyisunderwood is on the right path there.
posted by humbug at 5:29 AM on April 10 [27 favorites]
You are in effect subsidizing his enjoyment, Anon. You are giving him a huge, huge gift of time, which we only have so much of, and freedom. Sometimes that can feel okay; it did for a long time for me. When you're under work stress, much less so.
I agree with advil that you're not feeling much respect for his work. I don't necessarily agree that that's unwarranted, though; only you can say. (My ex... ugh. I wish he'd been doing something as worthwhile as teaching.) But feeling that the gift of time you are giving this man, he's wasting? That's a lousy feeling.
So, if this resonates with you, I think a feasible way to make it better is not to ignore the money -- that's real -- but to also address the time imbalance between you. I think dorothyisunderwood is on the right path there.
posted by humbug at 5:29 AM on April 10 [27 favorites]
Disability plays a role in me being the breadwinner, so I won't go too much into my mindset as it doesn't quite get at what you're looking for. But I will say that purely on a practical level, I wonder if your solution might lie in changing up things at home, rather than the job.
You have a lot of additional mental load and stress placed on you by being the one person responsible for keeping the house afloat financially, possibly keeping everyone in health insurance, etc. Above and beyond the hours you each work, that's a source of significant extra stress for you. So, okay - can you two juggle some things around at home so that more of the mental load at home is his to handle? Maybe that's more chores but I'm thinking of it more specifically as mental load stuff - if he's not already the one responsible for stuff like kid medical appointments, home repair, car maintenance, etc., can he be? And do you feel any relief at the thought of doing much less of that stuff at home to give you some mental time off, even if you're still doing your share of the actual physical household workload?
Maybe that's off base and it really is very specifically the money that's the stressor, but I'd at least consider whether there might be other ways of getting at the underlying issue.
posted by Stacey at 5:47 AM on April 10 [19 favorites]
You have a lot of additional mental load and stress placed on you by being the one person responsible for keeping the house afloat financially, possibly keeping everyone in health insurance, etc. Above and beyond the hours you each work, that's a source of significant extra stress for you. So, okay - can you two juggle some things around at home so that more of the mental load at home is his to handle? Maybe that's more chores but I'm thinking of it more specifically as mental load stuff - if he's not already the one responsible for stuff like kid medical appointments, home repair, car maintenance, etc., can he be? And do you feel any relief at the thought of doing much less of that stuff at home to give you some mental time off, even if you're still doing your share of the actual physical household workload?
Maybe that's off base and it really is very specifically the money that's the stressor, but I'd at least consider whether there might be other ways of getting at the underlying issue.
posted by Stacey at 5:47 AM on April 10 [19 favorites]
Love is a verb. In a relationship, loving is actions you do to build and preserve togetherness. Loving, further, is service: service to yourself, to your loved ones, service to the future you are building together. LaaS -- love as a service, is a horrible techy-way of referring to it, but is a wonderful way of thinking about it.
Feelings of resentment can arise due to a perception of imbalance of loving service performed. Is your partner not doing enough for the team? Are they taking more than they are giving? This seems like something to talk about with your partner.
I am just providing a different kind of framing here, perhaps it will offer some light through which one might find a path forward.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:55 AM on April 10 [12 favorites]
Feelings of resentment can arise due to a perception of imbalance of loving service performed. Is your partner not doing enough for the team? Are they taking more than they are giving? This seems like something to talk about with your partner.
I am just providing a different kind of framing here, perhaps it will offer some light through which one might find a path forward.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:55 AM on April 10 [12 favorites]
I do think there's probably some gender programming to wade through here. Aside from that, the phrase "proper job" stands out to me. Adjuncting is the proper job available to most humanities PhDs- it's what he studied for years to do, or the closest thing available to it in an abysmal job market. I think it's worth unpacking the judgment you carry about his employment. Is it really just money? Like, if he were to pick up another class, would that fix all of this? Is there something in there about status, such that if he had a TT position--essentially the same, but more secure and more respected--you would feel differently?
I also wouldn't discount the role of straight-up envy. As a former academic myself, and now as someone who is self-employed in a way that gives me a lot of flexibility and free time, I have run up against something like this from partners with work situations that don't allow them those things, the tradeoff being that they pay better. I think it's something akin to being in school and looking out the window at other kids who got out early, or window shopping for something you want but can't afford- you have a manageable job, one that you sound pretty fine with and would probably be doing whether or not your husband was in the picture, but that contentment is challenged by constant exposure to him not being trapped in an office all the time.
To the extent that that's in play, it's not his fault and I think there's some reframing needed on your part in terms of handling the jealousy and not making it his problem. I will probably be buried in a pauper's grave, but I've made life choices in line with my priorities, having nothing to do with what a future partner's income may or may not be; it sounds like your husband has as well, and that the plan was well known to you when you got together. I don't think your answer is redistributing labor or otherwise making him atone or change. It honestly sounds like you have a pretty good thing going, and I agree that it's worth talking this out in individual therapy if you can.
posted by wormtales at 6:05 AM on April 10 [34 favorites]
I also wouldn't discount the role of straight-up envy. As a former academic myself, and now as someone who is self-employed in a way that gives me a lot of flexibility and free time, I have run up against something like this from partners with work situations that don't allow them those things, the tradeoff being that they pay better. I think it's something akin to being in school and looking out the window at other kids who got out early, or window shopping for something you want but can't afford- you have a manageable job, one that you sound pretty fine with and would probably be doing whether or not your husband was in the picture, but that contentment is challenged by constant exposure to him not being trapped in an office all the time.
To the extent that that's in play, it's not his fault and I think there's some reframing needed on your part in terms of handling the jealousy and not making it his problem. I will probably be buried in a pauper's grave, but I've made life choices in line with my priorities, having nothing to do with what a future partner's income may or may not be; it sounds like your husband has as well, and that the plan was well known to you when you got together. I don't think your answer is redistributing labor or otherwise making him atone or change. It honestly sounds like you have a pretty good thing going, and I agree that it's worth talking this out in individual therapy if you can.
posted by wormtales at 6:05 AM on April 10 [34 favorites]
He said yes but later admitted he didn't try very hard because he really doesn't want to change jobs.
This statement, while it's honest, kind of seems like the crux of it to me. You asked your partner to have your back, and they said they did - but later said they didn't really. I think this is very recoverable, but it's a big realization that when you did ask, they didn't step up right away.
I think it would be a good time to have a 'state of the nation' talk. You came to an arrangement of time management at some point, but maybe it's not working any more. Maybe you're feeling the need for greater savings because of how the economic and political landscape is changing. Maybe you're just plain getting tired out at midlife burnout and you want to know that there's a partnership there.
And for him, maybe his hopes and dreams need a revisit as well.
There's some truth that you marry the person that you marry, but 'you get what you get and you don't get upset' is not a great way to run a relationship.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:21 AM on April 10 [63 favorites]
This statement, while it's honest, kind of seems like the crux of it to me. You asked your partner to have your back, and they said they did - but later said they didn't really. I think this is very recoverable, but it's a big realization that when you did ask, they didn't step up right away.
I think it would be a good time to have a 'state of the nation' talk. You came to an arrangement of time management at some point, but maybe it's not working any more. Maybe you're feeling the need for greater savings because of how the economic and political landscape is changing. Maybe you're just plain getting tired out at midlife burnout and you want to know that there's a partnership there.
And for him, maybe his hopes and dreams need a revisit as well.
There's some truth that you marry the person that you marry, but 'you get what you get and you don't get upset' is not a great way to run a relationship.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:21 AM on April 10 [63 favorites]
I think you're very reasonable to be uncomfortable with this situation (although I'm not sure your spouse getting a higher-paying job is the solution).
Your spouse has the freedom to quit his job any time he wants without significant financial impact on your family; you do not. Your spouse has the freedom to choose whatever work suits his preferences regardless of pay or benefits; you do not. These are very different relationships to work and familial responsibility and regardless of how hard either of you are working or how much time you have, that's going to have an impact on your relationship. It has an impact regardless of gender roles and that dynamic is a source of stress in lots of relationships, including "traditional" hetero relationships where the man is the primary breadwinner.
You are taking care of him (and your child) in a way that he is not taking care of you, and that's not inherently a dealbreaker - of course no relationship is exactly symmetrical all of the time, and lots of relationships are set up this way - but I think it's worth saying out loud.
This is probably going to sound crazy when you're already concerned about saving for college and retirement, and may not be feasible but: what if you saved up a sabbatical fund for yourself, so that you could take six months or a year off if you decided you wanted or needed to, or downshift to a different type of job? What if you (both of you, in whatever way that makes sense) worked to ensure that you had the same privileges around your choice of work as your spouse has, or at least narrow the gap?
posted by mskyle at 6:40 AM on April 10 [19 favorites]
Your spouse has the freedom to quit his job any time he wants without significant financial impact on your family; you do not. Your spouse has the freedom to choose whatever work suits his preferences regardless of pay or benefits; you do not. These are very different relationships to work and familial responsibility and regardless of how hard either of you are working or how much time you have, that's going to have an impact on your relationship. It has an impact regardless of gender roles and that dynamic is a source of stress in lots of relationships, including "traditional" hetero relationships where the man is the primary breadwinner.
You are taking care of him (and your child) in a way that he is not taking care of you, and that's not inherently a dealbreaker - of course no relationship is exactly symmetrical all of the time, and lots of relationships are set up this way - but I think it's worth saying out loud.
This is probably going to sound crazy when you're already concerned about saving for college and retirement, and may not be feasible but: what if you saved up a sabbatical fund for yourself, so that you could take six months or a year off if you decided you wanted or needed to, or downshift to a different type of job? What if you (both of you, in whatever way that makes sense) worked to ensure that you had the same privileges around your choice of work as your spouse has, or at least narrow the gap?
posted by mskyle at 6:40 AM on April 10 [19 favorites]
Could it be that the "free" time imbalance isn't meeting your need for shared responsibility?
One piece of household work advice that I really like is to “not split the household chores evenly, but split free time evenly.” I think this might be from How To Keep House While Drowning, which I think brings this up in a discussion of differing job situations between partners. It’s an easy read.
The idea is that to feel relaxed and refreshed we all need some down time. What does it matter if you’re splitting chores if one party has substantially more free time than the other? Prioritize a day or night(s) of time without chores and fit everything else around that.
Given the day of childcare in addition to splitting chores all of that may or may not apply to you, but it’s been a fantastic shift in perspective for me.
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 6:45 AM on April 10 [43 favorites]
One piece of household work advice that I really like is to “not split the household chores evenly, but split free time evenly.” I think this might be from How To Keep House While Drowning, which I think brings this up in a discussion of differing job situations between partners. It’s an easy read.
The idea is that to feel relaxed and refreshed we all need some down time. What does it matter if you’re splitting chores if one party has substantially more free time than the other? Prioritize a day or night(s) of time without chores and fit everything else around that.
Given the day of childcare in addition to splitting chores all of that may or may not apply to you, but it’s been a fantastic shift in perspective for me.
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 6:45 AM on April 10 [43 favorites]
It sounds like you need to stop splitting household chores evenly. I’m completely serious.
Came here to say this. If you don't have equal time jobs, why are you doing housework evenly? I've been with two male partners who made less money than me. One of them made me do the housework. The other did not and tries to take load off my plate by doing it. The first one I was annoyed by. The second it didn't even begin to bother me. The issue isn't that you don't want to be the breadwinner, or that you're stuck on gendered or capitalist expectations, the issue is that you don't want to be stuck with both traditionally gendered male *and* female expectations at the same time.
posted by corb at 6:55 AM on April 10 [36 favorites]
Came here to say this. If you don't have equal time jobs, why are you doing housework evenly? I've been with two male partners who made less money than me. One of them made me do the housework. The other did not and tries to take load off my plate by doing it. The first one I was annoyed by. The second it didn't even begin to bother me. The issue isn't that you don't want to be the breadwinner, or that you're stuck on gendered or capitalist expectations, the issue is that you don't want to be stuck with both traditionally gendered male *and* female expectations at the same time.
posted by corb at 6:55 AM on April 10 [36 favorites]
Yeah as someone who has been the breadwinner in every relationship I've ever had (despite not making a lot of money, ever!) I can confirm that it is stressful and a potential source of resentment. You don't specify your gender but I am female, in relationships with men. There is probably some gender baggage involved here, yes, but I also would not be surprised if men who are perpetual breadwinners have the same kinds of resentments and possibly feel even LESS entitled to feel them, because of similar gender baggage!
I resent that he was able to just trust that the universe would provide, and voila I provide, but honestly what is wrong with that?
The universe did not provide for him. You are providing. And he thanks the universe.
This is the crux! I'm currently dealing with these emotions not around my partner, but around my mother. What I've started to dig up in therapy is that while this--material comfort, support--would be a wonderful gift to give, when it is an expectation, it becomes galling.
It also becomes galling when the benefit is unidirectional, which it sounds like it is for you. Oh you get a whole day of childcare from him? That you don't directly even enjoy because you're working during it? Well la de dah.
Who will provide for YOU? Why do YOU not deserve provision? You do. And when you needed it, desperately, your husband half-assed it and failed! Frankly, that's trash! You SHOULD be mad about it. You are not the beneficent universe, you're a person who is making themselves less happy for his sake and it sounds like he doesn't get that.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 6:59 AM on April 10 [52 favorites]
I resent that he was able to just trust that the universe would provide, and voila I provide, but honestly what is wrong with that?
The universe did not provide for him. You are providing. And he thanks the universe.
This is the crux! I'm currently dealing with these emotions not around my partner, but around my mother. What I've started to dig up in therapy is that while this--material comfort, support--would be a wonderful gift to give, when it is an expectation, it becomes galling.
It also becomes galling when the benefit is unidirectional, which it sounds like it is for you. Oh you get a whole day of childcare from him? That you don't directly even enjoy because you're working during it? Well la de dah.
Who will provide for YOU? Why do YOU not deserve provision? You do. And when you needed it, desperately, your husband half-assed it and failed! Frankly, that's trash! You SHOULD be mad about it. You are not the beneficent universe, you're a person who is making themselves less happy for his sake and it sounds like he doesn't get that.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 6:59 AM on April 10 [52 favorites]
This is something my partner and I have been grappling with over the past few months. The plan is for her to take a extended "sabbatical" to destress and reassess, and then likely either work part time or more likely, in a volunteer capacity, with me as the breadwinner. Objectively, there's no reason this couldn't happen today. Her salary is much lower, so we can deal with the loss of that income by economizing and budgeting; my work seems stable; I can add her to my insurance for a modest cost; and so on. (And from observing coworkers who have a "traditional" one-earner situation, there are potentially significant career upsides like being able to more easily travel on short notice, work long hours when needed without shirking on household duties, and having someone managing all the domestic stuff.)
But we're both finding it hard to actually pull that trigger. On my side it definitely feels like a lot of pressure to have all of our income and all of our healthcare access be on my shoulders -- what if I fail? On her side there's a lot of complicated feelings about what it means to be financially dependent on a man, what it means for household responsibilities, and what it means socially to go from a respected professional career to not having that status and identity. And this is without the even more complicated baggage that comes with reversing "traditional" gender roles and all the social pressures that come with that.
So, I guess my point here is that this is a complicated thing and it's not surprising that you are grappling with it, despite having a single primary breadwinner often being presented culturally as a "normal" or desirable way to manage a household. Your post identifies (and answers above have flagged) a number of problematic imbalances in your relationship, where it appears that your husband is not contributing equally. Things like how chores and childcare are apportioned, and also in things like not being able to come up with a realistic solution to the question of "what if I as the breadwinner need to step away from my current high salary?" (And the solution there isn't simply him jumping to a higher paying job, though that might have to be part of it -- it's him being invested and helping come up with a contingency plan that through budgeting, new jobs, and maybe out-of-the-box ideas can show a realistic pathway in the event that you need to downsize your work situation.) I think you need to fix those imbalances before you will genuinely feel comfortable and safe.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:13 AM on April 10 [7 favorites]
But we're both finding it hard to actually pull that trigger. On my side it definitely feels like a lot of pressure to have all of our income and all of our healthcare access be on my shoulders -- what if I fail? On her side there's a lot of complicated feelings about what it means to be financially dependent on a man, what it means for household responsibilities, and what it means socially to go from a respected professional career to not having that status and identity. And this is without the even more complicated baggage that comes with reversing "traditional" gender roles and all the social pressures that come with that.
So, I guess my point here is that this is a complicated thing and it's not surprising that you are grappling with it, despite having a single primary breadwinner often being presented culturally as a "normal" or desirable way to manage a household. Your post identifies (and answers above have flagged) a number of problematic imbalances in your relationship, where it appears that your husband is not contributing equally. Things like how chores and childcare are apportioned, and also in things like not being able to come up with a realistic solution to the question of "what if I as the breadwinner need to step away from my current high salary?" (And the solution there isn't simply him jumping to a higher paying job, though that might have to be part of it -- it's him being invested and helping come up with a contingency plan that through budgeting, new jobs, and maybe out-of-the-box ideas can show a realistic pathway in the event that you need to downsize your work situation.) I think you need to fix those imbalances before you will genuinely feel comfortable and safe.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:13 AM on April 10 [7 favorites]
We split household chores evenly (one person doing household chores while the other has the toddler). He also does one weekday of childcare instead of kiddo going to daycare that day while I am working.
Can he do more childcare? One day a weekday isn't much. I know daycare requirements can be tricky so forgive me if that screws up the arrangement. I agree splitting chores evenly seems out of wack.
posted by tiny frying pan at 7:13 AM on April 10
Can he do more childcare? One day a weekday isn't much. I know daycare requirements can be tricky so forgive me if that screws up the arrangement. I agree splitting chores evenly seems out of wack.
posted by tiny frying pan at 7:13 AM on April 10
I don't think the other commenters are wrong per se, but it might be worth asking yourself if there is a values mismatch of some kind. It sounds like he had settled into adjuncting before you got together and presumably made his peace with the downsides. I'm reading an underlying presumption in many of the comments that, if you weren't earning as much as you do or if you'd never met, he'd have gotten a "proper" job and, if anything, we have evidence that's not true--he's doing the job he wants to do. The question is whether he expects you to provide the standard of living and security that you do or whether he's sort of been pulled into a financial world he wasn't planning on. (I know a couple with one adjunct (who does work a ridiculous amount, which adds up to more than an adjunct typically makes) and one high earner and while they got married for health insurance, most of the things the high earner's income enables (like home ownership) are things they value/prioritize much more than the adjunct does.)
posted by hoyland at 7:15 AM on April 10 [31 favorites]
posted by hoyland at 7:15 AM on April 10 [31 favorites]
Also his day of childcare is not a bonus. You pay most of the other days of childcare which he needs to do his job. He’s getting 25+ hours of paid childcare paid for him and he offers 8+ hours in return.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 7:18 AM on April 10 [13 favorites]
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 7:18 AM on April 10 [13 favorites]
This is a really, really good question to take to couples counseling. You're not going to unpack a relationship in a thread like this, but you can get insights that might be useful to you. The insights I'll offer are retrospective. I was married for a long time to someone 19 years older than me. During our relationship, they hit their peak career and his/our income almost tripled over a decade. To support this career trajectory, I voluntarily took over essentially all of the household duties, child care, and kept my career small and flexible even though it was still a demanding 40+ hours/week (it offered work from home at a time when this was a rarity, and I had a decent amount of control over the scheduling of work travel). My work's flexibility was offered as an apology for nonprofit salary, so I was definitely not earning much income comparatively. We talked about this a lot, but always in grateful terms (the nonprofit was supporting a cause close to both of us, and the work/home balance felt like it worked quite well). And yet, as my partner and I were splitting up he cited this as a long-standing issue that he'd privately resented and fixated on for years. As his income grew, he felt ever more held back by me and my pittance of a salary. So, we got a divorce and he enjoyed a new life in a significantly higher tax bracket as a household of one.
Bring up these issues now. Talk them out. Enlist a professional to help you explore feelings that you're already asking questions about. Learn, grow, and deal with these complexities as opportunities for an evolving relationship lest they become opportunities to end a relationship.
Good on you for thinking about this.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 7:20 AM on April 10 [17 favorites]
Bring up these issues now. Talk them out. Enlist a professional to help you explore feelings that you're already asking questions about. Learn, grow, and deal with these complexities as opportunities for an evolving relationship lest they become opportunities to end a relationship.
Good on you for thinking about this.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 7:20 AM on April 10 [17 favorites]
I mean in his defense, where does a humanities Ph.D just "go" to find a different job? He would have to pick an entirely different career path, or move to wherever a better paying teaching job is available. If that was what you wanted from him, I think you would have had to state that more clearly.
It sounds like over time your values towards money have shifted and his haven't. He hasn't had to "grow up" whereas you feel that you have. If that's something you want him to do, it's a different conversation than just "find a different job." I think you need to ask yourself deeper questions like, why is this situation unsatisfying to you? Do you have a passion you're currently unable to pursue because of your career path and is that leading you to feel you've got the short end of the stick in this situation? If so, is there a way you can make time for it in this situation? Are you happy with your currrent career path? Is it that you fear that if push comes to shove, he'd pick his career over the family? Maybe you feel he has plenty of time for self indulgence and you do not. If that is the case, can you find ways to give yourself moments of indulgence that let you really feel and enjoy the abundance that you've provided for yourself? Are you becoming less attracted to him as a man because he's not on the same level of being a provider as you are? Is he generally a good partner apart from the money thing? We can't answer any of these questions but they are definitely important to think about. .
posted by winterportage at 7:27 AM on April 10 [13 favorites]
It sounds like over time your values towards money have shifted and his haven't. He hasn't had to "grow up" whereas you feel that you have. If that's something you want him to do, it's a different conversation than just "find a different job." I think you need to ask yourself deeper questions like, why is this situation unsatisfying to you? Do you have a passion you're currently unable to pursue because of your career path and is that leading you to feel you've got the short end of the stick in this situation? If so, is there a way you can make time for it in this situation? Are you happy with your currrent career path? Is it that you fear that if push comes to shove, he'd pick his career over the family? Maybe you feel he has plenty of time for self indulgence and you do not. If that is the case, can you find ways to give yourself moments of indulgence that let you really feel and enjoy the abundance that you've provided for yourself? Are you becoming less attracted to him as a man because he's not on the same level of being a provider as you are? Is he generally a good partner apart from the money thing? We can't answer any of these questions but they are definitely important to think about. .
posted by winterportage at 7:27 AM on April 10 [13 favorites]
why can't I let my spouse enjoy his passion project
I don't necessarily disagree with much of what's been written above, but another viewpoint: you don't come across as having much (or any) respect for your spouse's work. Setting aside finances and status, do you really feel it doesn't bring any value to society or the community you live in? Is it not also a type of helping profession? Should his role just not exist, or should it be held only by wealthy people? Is teaching not difficult work?
You list classes, grading, student meetings, and commute as the things that take up his work time. I don't know anything about your spouse or the particular field he's in, but the academics I know also spend a large chunk of "invisible" time keeping up with the research in their field, so if he's doing that don't discount the time and mental energy it takes.
Does the one weekday of childcare he does save any money in childcare fees? (Also how many hours is that?)
It's not clear if your resentment has to do with his response last year, or with your experience feeling trapped in a job you hate, or with having this responsibility on your shoulders, or with unequal amounts of free time, or with lack of respect for what he actually does and the difficulties it may involve, or a mix of things.
I realize how privileged this all sounds. I didn't set out to make money (quite the opposite). And I detest how capitalism makes everybody white knuckle through the life-cycle. I just inadvertently ended up making a bunch of money.
One more thing to think about is how he feels in this situation, where both of you set out to do work that contributes to society but isn't usually financially rewarded, but your work happened to bring you money and (I assume) some social status and respect, while his has brought him precarious finances, a reliance on his spouse, and little status or respect - he's not even a professor, he's "just" an adjunct, which is a position not known for being particularly stable or valued. That could feel really unfair, and sad, and demoralizing. Did he originally have dreams of academic success? Does he feel, in part, like a failure? Is he staying in this position because he loves it and truly believes in it despite its lack of material and social benefits? Would he be heartbroken to leave it? Or is it really, as you kind of imply, just because it's fun, easy work for him?
posted by trig at 7:29 AM on April 10 [16 favorites]
I don't necessarily disagree with much of what's been written above, but another viewpoint: you don't come across as having much (or any) respect for your spouse's work. Setting aside finances and status, do you really feel it doesn't bring any value to society or the community you live in? Is it not also a type of helping profession? Should his role just not exist, or should it be held only by wealthy people? Is teaching not difficult work?
You list classes, grading, student meetings, and commute as the things that take up his work time. I don't know anything about your spouse or the particular field he's in, but the academics I know also spend a large chunk of "invisible" time keeping up with the research in their field, so if he's doing that don't discount the time and mental energy it takes.
Does the one weekday of childcare he does save any money in childcare fees? (Also how many hours is that?)
It's not clear if your resentment has to do with his response last year, or with your experience feeling trapped in a job you hate, or with having this responsibility on your shoulders, or with unequal amounts of free time, or with lack of respect for what he actually does and the difficulties it may involve, or a mix of things.
I realize how privileged this all sounds. I didn't set out to make money (quite the opposite). And I detest how capitalism makes everybody white knuckle through the life-cycle. I just inadvertently ended up making a bunch of money.
One more thing to think about is how he feels in this situation, where both of you set out to do work that contributes to society but isn't usually financially rewarded, but your work happened to bring you money and (I assume) some social status and respect, while his has brought him precarious finances, a reliance on his spouse, and little status or respect - he's not even a professor, he's "just" an adjunct, which is a position not known for being particularly stable or valued. That could feel really unfair, and sad, and demoralizing. Did he originally have dreams of academic success? Does he feel, in part, like a failure? Is he staying in this position because he loves it and truly believes in it despite its lack of material and social benefits? Would he be heartbroken to leave it? Or is it really, as you kind of imply, just because it's fun, easy work for him?
posted by trig at 7:29 AM on April 10 [16 favorites]
I don't understand why we're all calculating the partner at the lower bound of 25 hours a week, given that not much value seems to have been assigned to the role of being a humanities adjunct, and quite probaby therefore underestimation of the required input. Not when they're also doing a full day a week of childcare, that either needs to be done or paid for.
Is daycare also effectively $12 an hour? Would you rather they work that extra day? If you woudn't, it seems less reasonable to complain that they're not pulling their weight time-wise. Perhaps they could pull in an extra $96-120 a week and you could both work full-time.
posted by Audreynachrome at 7:45 AM on April 10 [7 favorites]
Is daycare also effectively $12 an hour? Would you rather they work that extra day? If you woudn't, it seems less reasonable to complain that they're not pulling their weight time-wise. Perhaps they could pull in an extra $96-120 a week and you could both work full-time.
posted by Audreynachrome at 7:45 AM on April 10 [7 favorites]
As mom to two teens who has been married to their dad and also the primary earner and provider of health insurance their entire lives, I agree with so much of what has been said already, especially about the invisible weight of feeling like you are shouldering all of the responsibility for maintaining a secure standard of living for your child. I also think there may be some additional dynamics here related to parenting. Two entwined questions that I encourage you to ask yourself are (1) do you feel like you get enough quality time with your child (I include the "quality" adjective on purpose in case the time you currently have with your child is all or mostly when you feel tired/stressed/overwhelmed) and (2) do you feel your partner makes good use of the quality time he has with your child?
When my children were young, I had a really hard period where I felt like I was spending all my energy to buy a life for my spouse and children that didn't fully include me. Fixing that dynamic saved our marriage and required both me and my partner to make changes.
posted by ElizaMain at 7:55 AM on April 10 [12 favorites]
When my children were young, I had a really hard period where I felt like I was spending all my energy to buy a life for my spouse and children that didn't fully include me. Fixing that dynamic saved our marriage and required both me and my partner to make changes.
posted by ElizaMain at 7:55 AM on April 10 [12 favorites]
I just inadvertently ended up making a bunch of money.
Um, I’d like to gently reframe this. You worked hard, excelled in your field, and were able to achieve financial stability and comfort in a profession where that is not guaranteed. You earned it, it’s not just good fortune. It makes me sad to think that you are framing your success as some kind of accident. It sounds like you have a lot to be proud of with your career, though its taken a toll on you. It is fortunate that your organization valued you enough that you were able to move into a lower stress role, but that was largely possible because you already worked so hard and proved yourself to be such a valuable employee. Please give yourself some credit. It seems pretty natural and inevitable when you hit that burnout state to re-evaluate your safety net, your backup plans -- please don’t feel bad for wanting security and stability in your life, a sense of freedom, an ability to escape terrible work situations without hurting your family, a sense of trust that your life partner has your back when things get bad.
Regarding your questions, there are lots of ways to approach discussions around the financial situation for your family, and I’m on team couples counseling here.
posted by sk932 at 8:08 AM on April 10 [12 favorites]
Um, I’d like to gently reframe this. You worked hard, excelled in your field, and were able to achieve financial stability and comfort in a profession where that is not guaranteed. You earned it, it’s not just good fortune. It makes me sad to think that you are framing your success as some kind of accident. It sounds like you have a lot to be proud of with your career, though its taken a toll on you. It is fortunate that your organization valued you enough that you were able to move into a lower stress role, but that was largely possible because you already worked so hard and proved yourself to be such a valuable employee. Please give yourself some credit. It seems pretty natural and inevitable when you hit that burnout state to re-evaluate your safety net, your backup plans -- please don’t feel bad for wanting security and stability in your life, a sense of freedom, an ability to escape terrible work situations without hurting your family, a sense of trust that your life partner has your back when things get bad.
Regarding your questions, there are lots of ways to approach discussions around the financial situation for your family, and I’m on team couples counseling here.
posted by sk932 at 8:08 AM on April 10 [12 favorites]
There isn't a reason we need him to get a job with decent pay and benefits. We can live on my salary and be quite comfortable.
What if something happened to you though, or to your job? Do you have enough money and benefits so that your partner could just go along indefinitely the way they are now, raise and educate your kid and all that? From your account it sounds like your partner may not have ever thought in those terms, but you both need to. If you haven't been to a financial planner, maybe go together?
Meanwhile I completely agree with those who say you should have equal free time and that your partner should be doing most of the household admin to take that mental load off of you. And they really should not be saying they are going to do any kind of project and then admitting they just didn't do it. You can't count on them if they are going to do that.
posted by BibiRose at 8:10 AM on April 10 [7 favorites]
I haven’t seen this mentioned here so I just want to play this out a little how it COULD go. I don’t have a lot of time to write so sorry if it’s not super articulate. We are 100 percent responsible for our own happiness and that is hard to swallow. If you make choices that play out in a way you don’t like and then feel resentful about it…so blame the other person (and feel critical and ARE critical of them, maybe TO them) it doesn’t help. It might not solve the problem and it might make the problem worse. You stop being a separate financial person when you get married and now you aren’t happy with the way your choice played out (marrying an adjunct who likes being an adjunct) But think really carefully before you make ultimatums etc because if you are really tough about this and it messes up the relationship and you head down the divorce route you will have to deal with a million other problems and seriously unfair things- for example: he looks like the primary caregiver. Equalizing pensions.
If he is not a good partner and you can’t stomach the whole marriage anymore that’s one thing but be careful about how you consider everything because you said you have a good relationship in a lot of ways.
I don’t Know. It sounds to me in some ways you need to accept your own responsibility for creating your own part in this unfair life… there’s a lot of power in doing that.
posted by pairofshades at 8:38 AM on April 10 [7 favorites]
If he is not a good partner and you can’t stomach the whole marriage anymore that’s one thing but be careful about how you consider everything because you said you have a good relationship in a lot of ways.
I don’t Know. It sounds to me in some ways you need to accept your own responsibility for creating your own part in this unfair life… there’s a lot of power in doing that.
posted by pairofshades at 8:38 AM on April 10 [7 favorites]
I have a humanities PhD and so does my partner - I can relate to a lot of the OP's question even though our situation isn't the same - but it resonates with my own experience a bit and that of friends in my grad cohort.
A few things:
-A teaching load of 2/3 (what your partner is doing if they teach 2 classes one semester, 2 the next) is a typical full-time workload for a tenure track academic. 2/2 (or even 2/1) is for people at research intensive job, whereas people at liberal arts colleges typically teach 3/3 - they are expected to do much less research. So your partner is working a bit less than the average academic, but academics are notorious workaholics and I wouldn't be surprised if he is still working more like 40hrs a week - when I was teaching 4/4, I was easily working 60hrs a week - and that didn't involve any time for research or service work. I think it's telling the OP says "He probably works 25-30 hours per week" - I would'n't be surprised if that's an underestimate.
-Part of the issue is that adjuncting has zero future. A number of people have noted that as the low-earner, your husband has the freedom to quit, but his university also has the freedom to fire him whenever they want. It is not a career with any type of job security whatsoever. For this reason, LOL to everyone describing this job as "low-stress" - it's not. Nor is it a job that provides COL adjustments or raises of any sort.
-It sucks to spend a decade of your life working towards a career that never happens, I know. But that doesn't mean his only option is to adjunct. If he really loves teaching, he would make way more as a high school teacher. I know someone with a PhD who recently made that transition and she's loving it. I currently have a position in higher ed admin, which I don't love, but it pays more money than even many tenure track assistant professors make. I know humanities PhDs in publishing, the government, tech, etc. It's not an easy transition (my partner and I are both currently feeling bad about our careers) but it's also not impossible.
-It might help if you can specify what would change if your partner made at least 50k a year. Would that mean you get to retire sooner? Would that mean it would be less devastating if you became disabled and had to quit your job? Would it mean more vacations? Would it mean that if the 2bed/1 bath starts to feel too small as your kid ages, you can afford a bigger place? Would you be able to hire a cleaner or buy more prepared foods to reduce the time you have to spend on housework? In short, I know you say you can be "comfortable" on your salary alone, but without knowing your salary I wonder whether there are some areas in your life that might benefit from a bit more comfort.
posted by coffeecat at 8:43 AM on April 10 [28 favorites]
A few things:
-A teaching load of 2/3 (what your partner is doing if they teach 2 classes one semester, 2 the next) is a typical full-time workload for a tenure track academic. 2/2 (or even 2/1) is for people at research intensive job, whereas people at liberal arts colleges typically teach 3/3 - they are expected to do much less research. So your partner is working a bit less than the average academic, but academics are notorious workaholics and I wouldn't be surprised if he is still working more like 40hrs a week - when I was teaching 4/4, I was easily working 60hrs a week - and that didn't involve any time for research or service work. I think it's telling the OP says "He probably works 25-30 hours per week" - I would'n't be surprised if that's an underestimate.
-Part of the issue is that adjuncting has zero future. A number of people have noted that as the low-earner, your husband has the freedom to quit, but his university also has the freedom to fire him whenever they want. It is not a career with any type of job security whatsoever. For this reason, LOL to everyone describing this job as "low-stress" - it's not. Nor is it a job that provides COL adjustments or raises of any sort.
-It sucks to spend a decade of your life working towards a career that never happens, I know. But that doesn't mean his only option is to adjunct. If he really loves teaching, he would make way more as a high school teacher. I know someone with a PhD who recently made that transition and she's loving it. I currently have a position in higher ed admin, which I don't love, but it pays more money than even many tenure track assistant professors make. I know humanities PhDs in publishing, the government, tech, etc. It's not an easy transition (my partner and I are both currently feeling bad about our careers) but it's also not impossible.
-It might help if you can specify what would change if your partner made at least 50k a year. Would that mean you get to retire sooner? Would that mean it would be less devastating if you became disabled and had to quit your job? Would it mean more vacations? Would it mean that if the 2bed/1 bath starts to feel too small as your kid ages, you can afford a bigger place? Would you be able to hire a cleaner or buy more prepared foods to reduce the time you have to spend on housework? In short, I know you say you can be "comfortable" on your salary alone, but without knowing your salary I wonder whether there are some areas in your life that might benefit from a bit more comfort.
posted by coffeecat at 8:43 AM on April 10 [28 favorites]
I mean in his defense, where does a humanities Ph.D just "go" to find a different job?
As someone with a humanities PhD who is currently seeking employment outside academia - employment that at least acknowledges (ideally uses) my expertise and (relatedly) doesn't pay abysmally, I want to underline this.
I do agree with others that the two of you would do well to figure out how to reallocate your free time / childcare balance. And I also hear that the weight of responsibility that you are carrying is inordinately heavy, and your spouse needs to understand that and help to take some of that on.
But I also hear (as others mention) some discounting on your part of the value of his teaching expertise and labor, as well as some lack of recognition that scholarly expertise is not always easily, automatically transferable to better-paying situations. For him to get a better paying job might require significant adaptations, repositioning, skill development, etc. It would likely take some time for him to figure that out.
posted by marlys at 8:47 AM on April 10 [10 favorites]
As someone with a humanities PhD who is currently seeking employment outside academia - employment that at least acknowledges (ideally uses) my expertise and (relatedly) doesn't pay abysmally, I want to underline this.
I do agree with others that the two of you would do well to figure out how to reallocate your free time / childcare balance. And I also hear that the weight of responsibility that you are carrying is inordinately heavy, and your spouse needs to understand that and help to take some of that on.
But I also hear (as others mention) some discounting on your part of the value of his teaching expertise and labor, as well as some lack of recognition that scholarly expertise is not always easily, automatically transferable to better-paying situations. For him to get a better paying job might require significant adaptations, repositioning, skill development, etc. It would likely take some time for him to figure that out.
posted by marlys at 8:47 AM on April 10 [10 favorites]
I really like coffeecat’s answer and i forgot to say in my answer that I think you should go to a lawyer and find out exactly where you stand in terms of child support and alimony- I think that will help you a lot in terms of figuring out how you want to arrange yourself and how hard you want to try. The whole job search thing was a little shifty, so you might want to re think some things… this might be an incognito “oh actually I’m taking Fridays off twice a month to look after Susie now” ohhhhhh (insert other changes)…. So that you have things where you need them to be.
posted by pairofshades at 8:52 AM on April 10 [1 favorite]
posted by pairofshades at 8:52 AM on April 10 [1 favorite]
Could it also relate to this previous instance when you really wanted to quit? And feeling the responsibility for the whole family's financial situation? For me one of the hardest things about the 8-5 is not so much long hours on any given day, it's the knowledge that I MUST. ALWAYS. work and that if for some reason I lose my ability to, my life will fall apart after the savings run out. It's about freedom for me -- I have much less fear of disability than, e.g., once I had a boss yell at me inappropriately, and psychologically I needed to walk out, but I realized that if I did, I could lose my job, my salary, my place to live, etc. etc. It seems like if you both had a job that could provide for the family, then even if you both scaled your hours up and down such that you didn't actually have more money than you do now, you would know that if you ended up back in a high stress situation that you needed to leave, you could quit and rely on him.
posted by slidell at 8:53 AM on April 10 [9 favorites]
posted by slidell at 8:53 AM on April 10 [9 favorites]
As usual, MeFi has nailed it. See above.
Of course, you could always see a counselor, but I came to suggest mediation instead. It might help to have someone impartial for both sides to see that issues are laid out fairly and completely and to perhaps point out things that you may have missed. Your husband apparently loves his job, and teaching is an important job, but there are quite a few things that aren't being dealt with fairly in the current setup. I would propose a mediator, which might be more acceptable to your husband than a counselor at this juncture. I would take a copy of this askme in with you when you go.
Mediators are great for lots of things. Just make sure you interview with them first and get a sense of who they are and their ability to be fair and equitable. I did mediation with my husband on a different issue without doing due diligence, and it was a disaster. Turned out the dipshit was known in the community as a religious freak that believed in the subjugation of woman to their husbands. She wound up lecturing me in her hallway when we left, telling me 'I was a selfish little girl (at 60!) who didn't know how good I had it.' Totally off-base and unprofessional. Fortunately, DH realized that her negative advice reflected on what he was doing, and things worked out well. My take was just don't pick an asshat for a mediator, because a good mediator can be a great solution.
posted by BlueHorse at 8:54 AM on April 10 [1 favorite]
Of course, you could always see a counselor, but I came to suggest mediation instead. It might help to have someone impartial for both sides to see that issues are laid out fairly and completely and to perhaps point out things that you may have missed. Your husband apparently loves his job, and teaching is an important job, but there are quite a few things that aren't being dealt with fairly in the current setup. I would propose a mediator, which might be more acceptable to your husband than a counselor at this juncture. I would take a copy of this askme in with you when you go.
Mediators are great for lots of things. Just make sure you interview with them first and get a sense of who they are and their ability to be fair and equitable. I did mediation with my husband on a different issue without doing due diligence, and it was a disaster. Turned out the dipshit was known in the community as a religious freak that believed in the subjugation of woman to their husbands. She wound up lecturing me in her hallway when we left, telling me 'I was a selfish little girl (at 60!) who didn't know how good I had it.' Totally off-base and unprofessional. Fortunately, DH realized that her negative advice reflected on what he was doing, and things worked out well. My take was just don't pick an asshat for a mediator, because a good mediator can be a great solution.
posted by BlueHorse at 8:54 AM on April 10 [1 favorite]
For him to get a better paying job might require significant adaptations, repositioning, skill development, etc. It would likely take some time for him to figure that out.
And, I would add, for him to want to! I'm not sure what the bigger conversation was when he initially agreed to look for different work, but it is worth noting that we're gaming out the possibilities for an employment shift--fair enough in the context of this conversation--without taking into account what it means to throw an entire career and identity overboard because someone else thinks of it as a "passion project" and has decided it's not important enough. That is massive and even if I did go through with it for those reasons, which I don't see myself doing, I don't think any relationship I was in would recover.
posted by wormtales at 8:55 AM on April 10 [17 favorites]
And, I would add, for him to want to! I'm not sure what the bigger conversation was when he initially agreed to look for different work, but it is worth noting that we're gaming out the possibilities for an employment shift--fair enough in the context of this conversation--without taking into account what it means to throw an entire career and identity overboard because someone else thinks of it as a "passion project" and has decided it's not important enough. That is massive and even if I did go through with it for those reasons, which I don't see myself doing, I don't think any relationship I was in would recover.
posted by wormtales at 8:55 AM on April 10 [17 favorites]
I agree with many others, I'm the primary breadwinner in my relationship for all sorts of reasons and some times it is very stressful, particularly the element about
One additional thing I wondered is whether you were (consciously or unconsciously) expecting him to switch up a gear when you had a child, to put your child's needs ahead of his wants. If you did and you feel that didn't happen then that might also explain some of your resentment.
I'm not sure exactly how you address this, but I think there needs to be some kind of shift in what you are both doing, because resentment is not good for a relationship.
posted by plonkee at 9:00 AM on April 10 [4 favorites]
One additional thing I wondered is whether you were (consciously or unconsciously) expecting him to switch up a gear when you had a child, to put your child's needs ahead of his wants. If you did and you feel that didn't happen then that might also explain some of your resentment.
I'm not sure exactly how you address this, but I think there needs to be some kind of shift in what you are both doing, because resentment is not good for a relationship.
posted by plonkee at 9:00 AM on April 10 [4 favorites]
It might help you to examine what would change if your partner got a "proper job."
-Would you actually change your job to one that pays less? To what, specifically?
-Would you do fewer of the household chores? (I'm not saying it doesn't need adjustment now, I'm just asking how your life would improve if he got a 40+ hr/wk job.)
-Would the childcare situation be better for everyone involved?
-Would your partner be as happy in a proper job, and, if not, how would that affect the overall happiness of the family?
I think in some of these situations, the partner with the more demanding job feels a generalized sense of unfairness that the other's life is not as stressful, but making the other's life more stressful won't actually provide the hoped-for benefit. I don't know if that's the case for you but it's useful to think about it.
posted by HotToddy at 9:30 AM on April 10 [22 favorites]
-Would you actually change your job to one that pays less? To what, specifically?
-Would you do fewer of the household chores? (I'm not saying it doesn't need adjustment now, I'm just asking how your life would improve if he got a 40+ hr/wk job.)
-Would the childcare situation be better for everyone involved?
-Would your partner be as happy in a proper job, and, if not, how would that affect the overall happiness of the family?
I think in some of these situations, the partner with the more demanding job feels a generalized sense of unfairness that the other's life is not as stressful, but making the other's life more stressful won't actually provide the hoped-for benefit. I don't know if that's the case for you but it's useful to think about it.
posted by HotToddy at 9:30 AM on April 10 [22 favorites]
I (40s F) lucked into a high paying job and earn double my spouse's (40s M) salary. I do work about 10 hours more a week than he does. I am not resentful at all, mostly for two reasons. A. He does about 80% of chores, housework, pet care, etc. he even does my taxes for me. B. I don't feel locked into this high paying job as we have arranged our lifestyle so that we can still afford our mortgage even if I take a lower paying job in the future. Of course we'd have less savings/less vacation funds if that happens but it would be just going back to our previous level which is ok. Also I have my own personal savings account in my name.
posted by emd3737 at 9:33 AM on April 10 [4 favorites]
posted by emd3737 at 9:33 AM on April 10 [4 favorites]
Reading through this thread again has reminded me of a couple I used to know who basically switched off who was the breadwinner and who was the one doing the work they were passionate about. So, like, for several years one spouse was running a small interior design business and making custom curtains. Then she got an office job and the other spouse was free to focus on playing with his band for a while - I remember her literally saying that it was "his turn". I lost touch with them after that, but I like to imagine that they kept switching back and forth.
Making an unwanted career change to support your family (or yourself) isn't, like, some unthinkable Sophie's Choice, it's just reality for a lot of people. It sounds like OP's husband doesn't *have* to make that unwanted career change, which is lucky! But I don't blame OP for wondering when it will get to be their turn, and I think that, as a couple, OP and their husband should figure out how and when OP's "turn" is going to happen.
(Or heck, maybe OP's husband doesn't feel like it's currently his turn, maybe he's stressed out adjuncting and wants to quit and sew curtains or whatever. Basically though y'all need to talk about it.)
posted by mskyle at 9:34 AM on April 10 [10 favorites]
Making an unwanted career change to support your family (or yourself) isn't, like, some unthinkable Sophie's Choice, it's just reality for a lot of people. It sounds like OP's husband doesn't *have* to make that unwanted career change, which is lucky! But I don't blame OP for wondering when it will get to be their turn, and I think that, as a couple, OP and their husband should figure out how and when OP's "turn" is going to happen.
(Or heck, maybe OP's husband doesn't feel like it's currently his turn, maybe he's stressed out adjuncting and wants to quit and sew curtains or whatever. Basically though y'all need to talk about it.)
posted by mskyle at 9:34 AM on April 10 [10 favorites]
One thing I am not understanding -- the OP works ~40 hours a week, and the spouse works 25-30 plus one day of childcare. If it's 30 + one day of childcare ... isn't that pretty close to 40 hours a week? It doesn't seem to me that the time difference is significant or the crux of the matter, unless I'm misunderstanding something.
posted by Ollie at 9:35 AM on April 10 [23 favorites]
posted by Ollie at 9:35 AM on April 10 [23 favorites]
Let's say you both worked the same amount of time, took on the same amount of childcare, housework, and emotional labour (doesn't sound like that's quite the case here).
Your partner would still have more freedom than you. It sounds like you couldn't choose a lower paying job without harming your family's financial present and future. And you carry more of the burden that if you were unable to do your job, there would be big problems, knowing that your partner would have to make significant adjustments in order to earn more that would take time. You have reasons to wonder whether it would be possible to deal with that situation without a great deal of stress. And it doesn't sound like your partner acknowledges that there is an imbalance in freedom and mental burdens, or at least that you're not feeling that the situation acknowledges that. The fact that you've laid out the details of the split in responsibilities here suggests that you feel it should be different, which is valid. I think you should have those conversations.
So I would really urge you not to feel guilty about feeling something about this situation. I would probably feel something about it also.
posted by lookoutbelow at 9:53 AM on April 10 [7 favorites]
Your partner would still have more freedom than you. It sounds like you couldn't choose a lower paying job without harming your family's financial present and future. And you carry more of the burden that if you were unable to do your job, there would be big problems, knowing that your partner would have to make significant adjustments in order to earn more that would take time. You have reasons to wonder whether it would be possible to deal with that situation without a great deal of stress. And it doesn't sound like your partner acknowledges that there is an imbalance in freedom and mental burdens, or at least that you're not feeling that the situation acknowledges that. The fact that you've laid out the details of the split in responsibilities here suggests that you feel it should be different, which is valid. I think you should have those conversations.
So I would really urge you not to feel guilty about feeling something about this situation. I would probably feel something about it also.
posted by lookoutbelow at 9:53 AM on April 10 [7 favorites]
Hmm, so many different possible things going on here. I'll add a few more ideas.
One, are your expectations of him regarding a "proper job" as you say, possibly coming from socialized, baked-in gendered expectations? Like, a Real Man (TM) should always be gunning at promotion and world domination, and able to support a family of 4 on one full-time job? I mean, there's a lot of shite that we absorb from the world around us, despite our best intentions.
Another, in regards to generalized ambition -- do you expect a partner to be as ambitious as you are? I could read into your post that you seem to resent him for not wanting more in his career. Academics in particular are trained to only accept the tenure-track job as a "real job", and stop at nothing less. And even when we get there, to trade up. Do you think less of him for "settling" for the adjunct life?
There's a lot to be said for finding happiness where you are, career-wise; it seems like he's done that.
posted by Dashy at 9:58 AM on April 10 [3 favorites]
One, are your expectations of him regarding a "proper job" as you say, possibly coming from socialized, baked-in gendered expectations? Like, a Real Man (TM) should always be gunning at promotion and world domination, and able to support a family of 4 on one full-time job? I mean, there's a lot of shite that we absorb from the world around us, despite our best intentions.
Another, in regards to generalized ambition -- do you expect a partner to be as ambitious as you are? I could read into your post that you seem to resent him for not wanting more in his career. Academics in particular are trained to only accept the tenure-track job as a "real job", and stop at nothing less. And even when we get there, to trade up. Do you think less of him for "settling" for the adjunct life?
There's a lot to be said for finding happiness where you are, career-wise; it seems like he's done that.
posted by Dashy at 9:58 AM on April 10 [3 favorites]
I am the part-time person in the family and I agree with a lot of what's raised above, it mirrors conversations my husband and I have had a lot over the course of our relationship as our jobs and lives changed, there's lots to think about. For us we have settled on a lifestyle that feels fair to us, but I know my husband has struggled with some of the same feelings you have done (pressure to keep the job for the sake of the family, etc).
One thing I haven't really seen mentioned, I'll tell you as the parent of two school-age kids - when your kid ages out of daycare and into school it may be REALLY, really handy to have a part-time working parent. Without knowing the ins and outs of his schedule - will he be the drop-off and pick-up person? Will he be able to cover the post-school afternoons and some random days off? If he's teaching, does he get summers and holidays so you won't need camps and childcare during that time (or not as much)? Can he be the point person for school and spend some of his non-working time doing the kid admin like scheduling activities and playdates? I know adjunct teaching is not exactly low-stress, but the if the part-time hours allow more TIME in his week to handle school stuff that can be a real godsend. There's a definite shift from daycare into school age, suddenly school ends at 3ish and there's a big stretch of summer holidays to fill and kids start doing more activities and playdates and the school has stuff you have to come in for or send in things etc etc. I cover a lot of this shit (which I do enjoy!) and it just eases up the burden that I'm only working 24 hours a week, and of course means we save money on after school care and things like that. It may not be relevant to your family depending on how the schedules are actually shaking out, but just something to think about as you look at the next few years.
posted by cpatterson at 10:15 AM on April 10 [17 favorites]
One thing I haven't really seen mentioned, I'll tell you as the parent of two school-age kids - when your kid ages out of daycare and into school it may be REALLY, really handy to have a part-time working parent. Without knowing the ins and outs of his schedule - will he be the drop-off and pick-up person? Will he be able to cover the post-school afternoons and some random days off? If he's teaching, does he get summers and holidays so you won't need camps and childcare during that time (or not as much)? Can he be the point person for school and spend some of his non-working time doing the kid admin like scheduling activities and playdates? I know adjunct teaching is not exactly low-stress, but the if the part-time hours allow more TIME in his week to handle school stuff that can be a real godsend. There's a definite shift from daycare into school age, suddenly school ends at 3ish and there's a big stretch of summer holidays to fill and kids start doing more activities and playdates and the school has stuff you have to come in for or send in things etc etc. I cover a lot of this shit (which I do enjoy!) and it just eases up the burden that I'm only working 24 hours a week, and of course means we save money on after school care and things like that. It may not be relevant to your family depending on how the schedules are actually shaking out, but just something to think about as you look at the next few years.
posted by cpatterson at 10:15 AM on April 10 [17 favorites]
Apologies for the double-dip, but has been occupying me since I read it this morning, probably because it is a conversation that I have a lot and a situation that is often on my mind. I want to emphasize from go that I am not suggesting your partner is a fuckup! It's not his fault that academia is the way it is; when we were growing up that was still a viable path to life.
But the thing is I think there's a gendered component here and it isn't/it is in addition to the idea that "men are supposed to be the big strong providers."
In my cohort, MOST of the (cis het) women are the primary or sole breadwinners in both their current and previous relationships. None of us even have high-earning jobs. At most, some of us are just scraping our way into the middle class in the fairly expensive city where we all live. And we love our dudes, and like your husband a lot of our dudes (mine included!) are in fact very skilled and hardworking but have hit terrible luck in a terrible world.
But frankly every now and then it just does start to feel, sometimes, like men have the luxury of believing "the universe will provide" to an extent that is not really available to women. It has not escaped our notice that the "universe" they speak of generally takes the form of "a skilled and hardworking woman." I grew up with this dynamic and I see it around me all the time. The women were raised to know that nobody is ever coming to save us. That we cannot ever fall down on the job. That ultimately, it's up to us and nobody else. The men...I don't know what they were raised with, but it wasn't that!
Again, it's not every dude and it doesn't make them monsters! But the thing where your husband sort of paid lip service to stepping up and then admitted he never really did it...that sounds super familiar.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:02 AM on April 10 [29 favorites]
But the thing is I think there's a gendered component here and it isn't/it is in addition to the idea that "men are supposed to be the big strong providers."
In my cohort, MOST of the (cis het) women are the primary or sole breadwinners in both their current and previous relationships. None of us even have high-earning jobs. At most, some of us are just scraping our way into the middle class in the fairly expensive city where we all live. And we love our dudes, and like your husband a lot of our dudes (mine included!) are in fact very skilled and hardworking but have hit terrible luck in a terrible world.
But frankly every now and then it just does start to feel, sometimes, like men have the luxury of believing "the universe will provide" to an extent that is not really available to women. It has not escaped our notice that the "universe" they speak of generally takes the form of "a skilled and hardworking woman." I grew up with this dynamic and I see it around me all the time. The women were raised to know that nobody is ever coming to save us. That we cannot ever fall down on the job. That ultimately, it's up to us and nobody else. The men...I don't know what they were raised with, but it wasn't that!
Again, it's not every dude and it doesn't make them monsters! But the thing where your husband sort of paid lip service to stepping up and then admitted he never really did it...that sounds super familiar.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:02 AM on April 10 [29 favorites]
I second having the conversation about what happens if you become disabled or pass away before your child is grown. Has your partner considered what they would do in that case? Have you worked together on a will, arrangements and so on? Because what you need is also not to have to worry about your child being destitute if you can't provide support.
posted by emjaybee at 11:18 AM on April 10 [4 favorites]
posted by emjaybee at 11:18 AM on April 10 [4 favorites]
why can't I let my spouse enjoy his passion project
Do *you* have a passion project, and the time to enjoy it?
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:40 AM on April 10 [13 favorites]
Do *you* have a passion project, and the time to enjoy it?
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:40 AM on April 10 [13 favorites]
Your partner would still have more freedom than you.
In some ways but also not in others. For example, he probably can't do things like ask for a raise or find another local (or even not-local) university willing to hire him on better terms; if he wants to preserve his career, he's probably stuck with his current job and employer, and if he wants to prioritize better compensation he's unlikely to be able to do that without giving up his whole career.
(I feel like "passion project" is a really loaded way to refer to his work. Teaching is not actually easy or a hobby for most people. And OP describes their *own* career as one they chose for reasons other than material compensation.)
posted by trig at 11:54 AM on April 10 [13 favorites]
In some ways but also not in others. For example, he probably can't do things like ask for a raise or find another local (or even not-local) university willing to hire him on better terms; if he wants to preserve his career, he's probably stuck with his current job and employer, and if he wants to prioritize better compensation he's unlikely to be able to do that without giving up his whole career.
(I feel like "passion project" is a really loaded way to refer to his work. Teaching is not actually easy or a hobby for most people. And OP describes their *own* career as one they chose for reasons other than material compensation.)
posted by trig at 11:54 AM on April 10 [13 favorites]
For a while I was the sole breadwinner in my family and now I'm the primary. This was always expected so I've got no issue with it. My philosophy has always been that all work is hard, whether at home or elsewhere, and so as long as the hours worked roughly matched up then we were both contributing equally even if I was the only one pulling a salary. If your spouse is spending less time at work then they should be spending more time on household stuff. Also they should be mindful that if they did find a better paying job then you would be able to retire earlier which is a great benefit to both of you as well because who knows when one of you might die so you ought to be able to enjoy some of your time together without worrying about work.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 12:22 PM on April 10 [2 favorites]
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 12:22 PM on April 10 [2 favorites]
I just want to jump back in and say that 1) I’m sympathetic because my spouse is in academia and I am often envious of his shorter schedule and flexibility (though he still out-earns me). I work 40 hours and don’t feel like I have any free time at all. HOWEVER, I do want to echo the point made above that his schedule has been a godsend with elementary-aged children—the pick-up/drop-offs, activities, play dates, sick days, pediatrician visits, school holidays, etc. I don’t know how two 40+-hour -a- week couples do it without local grandparents.
posted by Ollie at 12:53 PM on April 10 [5 favorites]
posted by Ollie at 12:53 PM on April 10 [5 favorites]
Haven't read all the responses, but I was in a similar situation when I was married. When my job got really tough, I asked my spouse to step up, and he did not. I found out, years later, that he resented that we had prioritized my career over his, and he never really looked for anything else. I felt like we weren't a team, and he didn't have my back. We weren't a team, and he didn't have my back.
This isn't about not wanting to be the breadwinner, I don't think. I think it's about wanting to be in a partnership where you feel like you are looking out for each other. I really resented my husband for being so dependent on me when we didn't start out that way, and when we never made a decision that that's how it would go.
If you value your marriage and want to stay in it, get into couple's counseling and discuss all this. He likely has some perspectives you haven't considered. You all need to explore this and find ways to talk about it together.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:24 PM on April 10 [19 favorites]
This isn't about not wanting to be the breadwinner, I don't think. I think it's about wanting to be in a partnership where you feel like you are looking out for each other. I really resented my husband for being so dependent on me when we didn't start out that way, and when we never made a decision that that's how it would go.
If you value your marriage and want to stay in it, get into couple's counseling and discuss all this. He likely has some perspectives you haven't considered. You all need to explore this and find ways to talk about it together.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:24 PM on April 10 [19 favorites]
I don't understand why he isn't doing research, assuming he doesn't need a lab or whatever. When I got my PhD and couldn't find a tenure track job and couldn't live on adjunct pay alone I would have been delighted to have someone support me and give me the great freedom of both teaching for peanuts and continuing to do research. I loved doing research, doesn't he? The other thing I wonder is whether you might want to have another kid if the situation were better.
posted by mareli at 2:19 PM on April 10
posted by mareli at 2:19 PM on April 10
As you've learned, there's a safety net for him: you.
There isn't a safety net for you.
And when you needed one, he admits he "didn't try very hard" to make it happen.
I'd be feeling resentful and distrustful too.
posted by Pallas Athena at 2:27 PM on April 10 [18 favorites]
There isn't a safety net for you.
And when you needed one, he admits he "didn't try very hard" to make it happen.
I'd be feeling resentful and distrustful too.
posted by Pallas Athena at 2:27 PM on April 10 [18 favorites]
If you have had to adjust to the role of breadwinner, not because of partner's disability or desire to be a stay at home parent but just because of their job choice, how did you do it? Or, aside from finances, if you have noticed yourself being a bean counter with your partner, how did you stop being like that?
What if, instead of wanting to not feel this way, you explored why you feel this way? Your feelings are valid. Bean counting may make you feel like "ugh I wish I didn't care," but you do care. That's totally fine. It comes from some place of, perhaps, resentment or insecurity, and it's worth it to explore that.
posted by violetish at 2:32 PM on April 10 [2 favorites]
What if, instead of wanting to not feel this way, you explored why you feel this way? Your feelings are valid. Bean counting may make you feel like "ugh I wish I didn't care," but you do care. That's totally fine. It comes from some place of, perhaps, resentment or insecurity, and it's worth it to explore that.
posted by violetish at 2:32 PM on April 10 [2 favorites]
I also have a surprisingly highly paid public interest job that I hate, and am married to someone getting a PhD and humanities. We don't have a kid yet, but hope to soon. I am sometimes envious of his flexibility and joy he gets out of his work, sure. But why would I resent him? There's nothing holding me back from also becoming a broke grad student, except my personal desire not to be broke (or go to grad school). If I wanted to pursue a lower paid career or seek out a partner who prioritizes making a lot of money, I could have done those things. But I didn't! Meanwhile, he absolutely doesn't have the choice to waltz out and get a job that would maintain our standard of living.
If you were single and childless, would you have really quit your job? Maybe, but that seems at odds with someone who values stability in the way you (and I) seem to.
Anyway, your husband should probably be doing 2-7 more hours of housework, but those eight hours of childcare definitely get added to his balance. Income generating work, childcare, and housework all have to have equal value in a family.
posted by umwelt at 3:13 PM on April 10 [4 favorites]
If you were single and childless, would you have really quit your job? Maybe, but that seems at odds with someone who values stability in the way you (and I) seem to.
Anyway, your husband should probably be doing 2-7 more hours of housework, but those eight hours of childcare definitely get added to his balance. Income generating work, childcare, and housework all have to have equal value in a family.
posted by umwelt at 3:13 PM on April 10 [4 favorites]
Mod note: From the OP:
"Thank you to everyone who responded. You have given me a lot to think about. For everyone noting the use of terms like "passion project" or "proper job," perhaps you are right that there is some derision there. Spouse's job barely covers the childcare necessary for them to work said job plus the gas to get to and from. To me, given that there is no economic benefit to doing jt, and he could stay home if he wanted, it seems to be a love of teaching or thr subject matter that drives him because otherwise why have this job? It's true that I don't consider it a "proper job" by which I mean a job with benefits (money more than childcare costs, health, retirement) but I don't doubt that it is challenging. I think I did assume that at some point he would get a tenure track job, or a higher ed administration job, or an academic adjacent job, or leave the field and get an office job like most college grads (let alone people with the intellect to get a PhD). The same way you assume a guy in a band will always be in a band but might have to get a day job at some point. It's just THST rare to "make it" in the humanities or rock music. We are millennials (not gen x or boomers) so truly no one thought humanities PhDs were ever going to make a living wage. It was still a worthwhile pursuit, but I don't think it's a shock to anyone that the jobs aren't there."posted by travelingthyme (staff) at 3:31 PM on April 10 [4 favorites]
Regarding the specific concern about there being no economic benefit to working instead of staying home for the reason that it barely covers childcare and gas expenses - consider that this level of childcare required generally lasts in the single-digit years. A career is measured in a much longer timeframe. I'm not familiar with the adjuncting career path (if it can even be called a path), but it's generally pretty brutal to try to get back into the workforce after any kind of hiatus. If you look at the work involved in trying to go back to it or to another job - and there's additional value in having a professionally fulfilled parent and spouse even if the compensation is low - then over time it's very possible that the economic work-childcare trade-off still tips toward the spouse staying employed.
posted by Last_wave_by at 3:49 PM on April 10 [10 favorites]
posted by Last_wave_by at 3:49 PM on April 10 [10 favorites]
I work in a university and am surrounded by colleagues with PhDs who are not doing what they thought they’d be doing when they were in grad school. Some are librarians, and they teach, do research, stay active in their fields. Some have administrative roles and enjoy the continued connection to higher ed and a research community and support students in a variety of ways. They do this because they need jobs so they are not destitute and homeless, and also because they are interested in making a contribution to the world. Your husband does not do this because he has you. He seems to take the money you earn seriously—he relies on it!—but admitting that he half-assed his job search makes me wonder if he really takes you seriously.
It’s ridiculous to think there aren’t numerous interesting, challenging jobs that he could have — would have HAD to — pursue if you weren’t paying his way. I know people who have gotten divorced over this very issue — humanities PhD husband not wanting to pursue paid work outside of traditional college professorship paths and therefore not contributing financially to the partnership. I think it was also unattractive to her, and ultimately a values mismatch, that her husband was so impractical and inflexible, even when it was not clear he wouldn’t achieve his earlier ambitions.
I’m being hard on him here, but this is largely to say, I don’t think you should feel bad, or like you are being a bad, selfish partner, for questioning this arrangement or wanting greater financial stability for your family. These are very serious issues and I hope you find a way to work through them together.
posted by sk932 at 4:15 PM on April 10 [12 favorites]
It’s ridiculous to think there aren’t numerous interesting, challenging jobs that he could have — would have HAD to — pursue if you weren’t paying his way. I know people who have gotten divorced over this very issue — humanities PhD husband not wanting to pursue paid work outside of traditional college professorship paths and therefore not contributing financially to the partnership. I think it was also unattractive to her, and ultimately a values mismatch, that her husband was so impractical and inflexible, even when it was not clear he wouldn’t achieve his earlier ambitions.
I’m being hard on him here, but this is largely to say, I don’t think you should feel bad, or like you are being a bad, selfish partner, for questioning this arrangement or wanting greater financial stability for your family. These are very serious issues and I hope you find a way to work through them together.
posted by sk932 at 4:15 PM on April 10 [12 favorites]
Should his role just not exist, or should it be held only by wealthy people
his role is held by a wealthy person! he is wealthy by marriage! he is exactly who poor adjuncts etc. have in mind when they moan and grumble about their wealthy peers who live in a different financial universe, money by marriage is no fairer or more merit-based than money by birth. he is living the dream.
and to the OP, there is no reason for him to ever give up his job in a “growing up” kind of way unless by growing up you mean getting divorced. people who love their fields renounce academia either because they’re forced out or because they can’t live on what they make. he’s in, and he can live on it as long as you let him.
if you want to insist that he get a better (tenure track) job if he wants to stay in his field - if that is even remotely possible after he’s been an adjunct this long -you have to realize that would mean relocating to absolutely anywhere that would have him. most likely somewhere undesirable and far away. what you gained by marrying an adjunct is a partner whose career can follow yours. even if you don’t need following, you gained a partner whose career doesn’t demand you follow his. the same cannot be said for “real” professors. you are boxed into being the breadwinner but at least you are spared being the trailing spouse.
if you are not willing to continue bearing the burden of sole financial responsibility for three lives, you have to tell him so very clearly. if you are kind you will give him a minimum of a full year’s notice because of the way academic hiring and the academic calendar works. if he has no other choices, he is undoubtedly capable of getting a shitty low level office job that pays three times as much and makes him three times as miserable. ph.d.s like to pretend this is impossibly unthinkable but the truth is it’s easy, it just sucks.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:18 PM on April 10 [20 favorites]
his role is held by a wealthy person! he is wealthy by marriage! he is exactly who poor adjuncts etc. have in mind when they moan and grumble about their wealthy peers who live in a different financial universe, money by marriage is no fairer or more merit-based than money by birth. he is living the dream.
and to the OP, there is no reason for him to ever give up his job in a “growing up” kind of way unless by growing up you mean getting divorced. people who love their fields renounce academia either because they’re forced out or because they can’t live on what they make. he’s in, and he can live on it as long as you let him.
if you want to insist that he get a better (tenure track) job if he wants to stay in his field - if that is even remotely possible after he’s been an adjunct this long -you have to realize that would mean relocating to absolutely anywhere that would have him. most likely somewhere undesirable and far away. what you gained by marrying an adjunct is a partner whose career can follow yours. even if you don’t need following, you gained a partner whose career doesn’t demand you follow his. the same cannot be said for “real” professors. you are boxed into being the breadwinner but at least you are spared being the trailing spouse.
if you are not willing to continue bearing the burden of sole financial responsibility for three lives, you have to tell him so very clearly. if you are kind you will give him a minimum of a full year’s notice because of the way academic hiring and the academic calendar works. if he has no other choices, he is undoubtedly capable of getting a shitty low level office job that pays three times as much and makes him three times as miserable. ph.d.s like to pretend this is impossibly unthinkable but the truth is it’s easy, it just sucks.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:18 PM on April 10 [20 favorites]
When my spouse unexpectedly quit her (slightly less lucrative) career than mine it hit me hard, not because we couldn't afford it but because suddenly our economic life was all on me. If I lost my ability to work there was no backup. Economic logistics are part of pairing up with someone for life and my partner was suddenly not carrying her part of the load.
On the other hand, I have a friend who works very hard providing all of the economic stability for himself and his wife and feels quite comfortable about the situation. That is because he is a strong believer in religion and his wife is a poorly paid priest. He's carrying the economic load, but he feels he is subsidizing something very important. For them it balances.
I think you are feeling like your relationship loads are out of balance and are trying to adjust by devaluing economic stability. I think that may be heading in the wrong direction.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:22 PM on April 10 [2 favorites]
On the other hand, I have a friend who works very hard providing all of the economic stability for himself and his wife and feels quite comfortable about the situation. That is because he is a strong believer in religion and his wife is a poorly paid priest. He's carrying the economic load, but he feels he is subsidizing something very important. For them it balances.
I think you are feeling like your relationship loads are out of balance and are trying to adjust by devaluing economic stability. I think that may be heading in the wrong direction.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:22 PM on April 10 [2 favorites]
I think this is revealing:
it seems to be a love of teaching or thr subject matter that drives him because otherwise why have this job?…I think I did assume that at some point he would get a tenure track job, or a higher ed administration job, or an academic adjacent job, or leave the field and get an office job like most college grads.
It “seems” to be passion that drives him to have the job? Why don’t you actually know why? I can think of lots of other potential reasons, like wanting to keep a foot in the field, or inertia, or embarrassment at otherwise having to “quit” academia, or fearing the loss of their identity as a scholar, or a sense of obligation or commitment to their students or department, or or or. Have you ever discussed why he stays?
And have you ever discussed with him your assumption that he would eventually get a more lucrative job in the future, or discussed a future in which he was no longer adjuncting? I think it is completely reasonable to feel like the burden on you is too high, but it sounds like the two of you haven’t communicated all that well about your motivations and desires. Right now you are doing a lot of projecting and assuming, which is a surefire recipe for misunderstanding and resentment no matter what the circumstances. Having more emotional clarity might bring you more emotional peace.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 5:49 PM on April 10 [19 favorites]
it seems to be a love of teaching or thr subject matter that drives him because otherwise why have this job?…I think I did assume that at some point he would get a tenure track job, or a higher ed administration job, or an academic adjacent job, or leave the field and get an office job like most college grads.
It “seems” to be passion that drives him to have the job? Why don’t you actually know why? I can think of lots of other potential reasons, like wanting to keep a foot in the field, or inertia, or embarrassment at otherwise having to “quit” academia, or fearing the loss of their identity as a scholar, or a sense of obligation or commitment to their students or department, or or or. Have you ever discussed why he stays?
And have you ever discussed with him your assumption that he would eventually get a more lucrative job in the future, or discussed a future in which he was no longer adjuncting? I think it is completely reasonable to feel like the burden on you is too high, but it sounds like the two of you haven’t communicated all that well about your motivations and desires. Right now you are doing a lot of projecting and assuming, which is a surefire recipe for misunderstanding and resentment no matter what the circumstances. Having more emotional clarity might bring you more emotional peace.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 5:49 PM on April 10 [19 favorites]
I want to disagree with the people saying that your husband doesn't have the stress of being the breadwinner. Or rather, to say that not being the breadwinner is its own, sometimes frightening, stress. You're both reliant on one person being the financial stability -- you -- but your husband doesn't have any control over the situation. If you quit or get fired, you bring him down with you. If you leave him, his financial future doesn't look great.
I encourage you to look at the famous emotional labor thread and make sure that all that work is being divided fairly between you, whatever "fair" means for your family. If he's spending more time with your kid than you are -- not because you're a negligent parent! but because that's the situation you currently have -- is that spilling over into him being the one keeping track of birthdays, shoe sizes, summer camp signups, carpools, etc?
posted by The corpse in the library at 6:13 PM on April 10 [6 favorites]
I encourage you to look at the famous emotional labor thread and make sure that all that work is being divided fairly between you, whatever "fair" means for your family. If he's spending more time with your kid than you are -- not because you're a negligent parent! but because that's the situation you currently have -- is that spilling over into him being the one keeping track of birthdays, shoe sizes, summer camp signups, carpools, etc?
posted by The corpse in the library at 6:13 PM on April 10 [6 favorites]
There have been several references above to "gender baggage" and I think it's worth unpacking a bit. I think they were mostly used as shorthand for "the expectation in hetero marriages that the husband will be the breadwinner and wife will run the home" and maybe a hint of assumption that that kind of thinking is a bit dated. But let's not overlook the role of the social and macroeconomic factors that might be contributing to your feelings of unease as the breadwinner in your household.
Since 2022, the tech industry has laid off over 350,000 employees. Even though it sounds like you don't work in tech, there are some revealing facts emerging about how Corporate America behaves when trying to increase margins and decrease headcount. It will surprise no one who's been paying attention that 48-65% of those laid off were women, depending on whose reports you believe.
Women across industries encounter more career "headwinds" than men in midlife. Ageism, bias against communication styles, fewer roles available for experienced employees and leaders, assumptions that we'll prioritize family over work -- all of these things lead to deep insecurity for women at work. It's just a precarious situation to be in, to be a woman and a professional in 2024 USA. That's because our ability to advance in our careers, and indeed to work at all, is still largely controlled by men, and the stats show that the system is still stacked against us.
You may not be feeling it personally right now, but you may know women who you respect and admire who are facing it. You may just notice there aren't an abundance of older women in your organization or industry. (Please let me know what industry you're in if I'm wrong!) You may realize you're not immune to this lack of control over your opportunities even as a smart, hard-working, accomplished, and well-networked woman. You may not be one catastrophic illness or disabled parent away from going deep into debt, but you may know people who have unexpectedly found themselves there. America really promises no safety net.
To be your family's breadwinner is to take on the responsibility for providing safety, security, and freedom for your family when you are working within a very untrustworthy system. And to watch your husband fail to build up his own earning power while you are low key wondering when your peak earning potential will happen, yeah that can be scary.
posted by nadise at 9:53 PM on April 10 [14 favorites]
Since 2022, the tech industry has laid off over 350,000 employees. Even though it sounds like you don't work in tech, there are some revealing facts emerging about how Corporate America behaves when trying to increase margins and decrease headcount. It will surprise no one who's been paying attention that 48-65% of those laid off were women, depending on whose reports you believe.
Women across industries encounter more career "headwinds" than men in midlife. Ageism, bias against communication styles, fewer roles available for experienced employees and leaders, assumptions that we'll prioritize family over work -- all of these things lead to deep insecurity for women at work. It's just a precarious situation to be in, to be a woman and a professional in 2024 USA. That's because our ability to advance in our careers, and indeed to work at all, is still largely controlled by men, and the stats show that the system is still stacked against us.
You may not be feeling it personally right now, but you may know women who you respect and admire who are facing it. You may just notice there aren't an abundance of older women in your organization or industry. (Please let me know what industry you're in if I'm wrong!) You may realize you're not immune to this lack of control over your opportunities even as a smart, hard-working, accomplished, and well-networked woman. You may not be one catastrophic illness or disabled parent away from going deep into debt, but you may know people who have unexpectedly found themselves there. America really promises no safety net.
To be your family's breadwinner is to take on the responsibility for providing safety, security, and freedom for your family when you are working within a very untrustworthy system. And to watch your husband fail to build up his own earning power while you are low key wondering when your peak earning potential will happen, yeah that can be scary.
posted by nadise at 9:53 PM on April 10 [14 favorites]
For you: make him do more chores, not calculating based on fairness of chore-hours or his hourly earnings, but as a way to move toward equity in terms of scheduled time to bond with the kid. Putting it in terms of hourly fees would make me give up. Putting it in terms of allowing my favorite adult spend time with my favorite child makes me grab a mop.
Also for you: take a real vacation with or without the kid but also without the spouse. Make sure it is something you enjoy! I eagerly helped plan such a thing when our household was overly-lopsided and I was the underemployed end.
If the family unit can let an overburdened member be away and do self-care, then that shows respect. In turn a more relaxed breadwinner is more ready to do the dreadful calculus with malice toward neither yourself or your spouse. By that I mean to size up the benefits of a flex partner in childraising vs the reality that you make enough to price you out of financial aid etc and both of you need to be on the great capitalist hamster wheel, and see where you all land on that.
For him: humanities guy might need help with undiagnosed depression, ADD, exec function training, That plus decades of sunk cost leads to (go listen to Sleaford Mods “Jobseeker”) half-assing the job search. Finding out exactly how hosed you are in the job market as an educated person is no fun. Of course, he should be doing it regardless but he honestly might not be equipped.
posted by drowsy at 10:20 PM on April 10
Also for you: take a real vacation with or without the kid but also without the spouse. Make sure it is something you enjoy! I eagerly helped plan such a thing when our household was overly-lopsided and I was the underemployed end.
If the family unit can let an overburdened member be away and do self-care, then that shows respect. In turn a more relaxed breadwinner is more ready to do the dreadful calculus with malice toward neither yourself or your spouse. By that I mean to size up the benefits of a flex partner in childraising vs the reality that you make enough to price you out of financial aid etc and both of you need to be on the great capitalist hamster wheel, and see where you all land on that.
For him: humanities guy might need help with undiagnosed depression, ADD, exec function training, That plus decades of sunk cost leads to (go listen to Sleaford Mods “Jobseeker”) half-assing the job search. Finding out exactly how hosed you are in the job market as an educated person is no fun. Of course, he should be doing it regardless but he honestly might not be equipped.
posted by drowsy at 10:20 PM on April 10
I'm a little confused. You work 40 hours per week, he works 30 plus a day of childcare.
You say your job is "not that high stress" and that his is low stress.
So it seems to me that your hours and work stress levels are about the same.
Do you consider his day of childcare to be fun time that he and the kid are out having fun adventures? Or is his day of childcare spent wrangling a toddler while also trying to do laundry and get dinner made, etc. Expectations around this matter in terms of making sure everyone gets fun time with your kid and whether his day of childcare is better classified as fun time or work. Most SAH parents I know would be pretty cranky if the assumption was that SAH with kids was not work and was only sunshine and flowers.
If your stress is related to being the primary breadwinner and worrying that the life you have built will fall apart if you lose your job or are unable to work, you can start planning. Can you cut back on things so that you can put more into savings so you have a giant safety net? Can you up your life insurance and disability insurance so if something happens to you, there is coverage?
As the lower earning spouse, I can only say that if I found out my husband thought so little of me and my job and harbored a ton of resentment that I was happy doing the same job I had been doing when we met (side note: adjuncting is a proper job, it may be exploitive and problematic like many many other jobs, but people do it for years and it requires a specialized skill set, treating it so dismissively adds to the pile of problems faced by adjunct professors), I would be despondent and considering the merits of staying in a relationship with someone who thought so little of me.
Also, the comment about paying for childcare is right on...my salary barely covered childcare when my kids were little and in daycare. But one kid no longer needs childcare and the other is school age and is at a much less expensive aftercare program. So while my salary was equal to childcare for 8 years, there are many many more years when my salary is larger than childcare.
posted by avocado_of_merriment at 5:59 AM on April 11 [19 favorites]
You say your job is "not that high stress" and that his is low stress.
So it seems to me that your hours and work stress levels are about the same.
Do you consider his day of childcare to be fun time that he and the kid are out having fun adventures? Or is his day of childcare spent wrangling a toddler while also trying to do laundry and get dinner made, etc. Expectations around this matter in terms of making sure everyone gets fun time with your kid and whether his day of childcare is better classified as fun time or work. Most SAH parents I know would be pretty cranky if the assumption was that SAH with kids was not work and was only sunshine and flowers.
If your stress is related to being the primary breadwinner and worrying that the life you have built will fall apart if you lose your job or are unable to work, you can start planning. Can you cut back on things so that you can put more into savings so you have a giant safety net? Can you up your life insurance and disability insurance so if something happens to you, there is coverage?
As the lower earning spouse, I can only say that if I found out my husband thought so little of me and my job and harbored a ton of resentment that I was happy doing the same job I had been doing when we met (side note: adjuncting is a proper job, it may be exploitive and problematic like many many other jobs, but people do it for years and it requires a specialized skill set, treating it so dismissively adds to the pile of problems faced by adjunct professors), I would be despondent and considering the merits of staying in a relationship with someone who thought so little of me.
Also, the comment about paying for childcare is right on...my salary barely covered childcare when my kids were little and in daycare. But one kid no longer needs childcare and the other is school age and is at a much less expensive aftercare program. So while my salary was equal to childcare for 8 years, there are many many more years when my salary is larger than childcare.
posted by avocado_of_merriment at 5:59 AM on April 11 [19 favorites]
In terms of your question of how not to be a bean counter… It might be helpful to imagine your spouse reading the question and how they would feel. I don’t mean that in a snide way. Sometimes when I’m angry at my spouse, imagining what their face would look like if they could hear what I was saying inside my head makes me realize that I want to change the narrative. Best of luck!
posted by jeszac at 7:54 AM on April 11 [2 favorites]
posted by jeszac at 7:54 AM on April 11 [2 favorites]
I'm in a similar situation, but with less of a discrepancy in pay. We met in our mid-30's and have one child. I have a PhD (and a good job in industry), and he is currently completing his college degree and worked in the restaurant industry before (notoriously bad hours for low pay). He quit his job to take care of our baby during the pandemic when I went back to work, and is now working part-time and in school part-time. His new career prospects will put him at about 2/3rds of my salary within 3 years, and my 5 year plan is to find a job that is a better fit even if there's a paycut for me once he's established in his role and our child is a bit older, so the idea is our combined salary will even out with him contributing more than he is now, and there will be less pressure on me.
My partner (male) does the majority of the household work (groceries, almost all cooking, appointments, pet care, car maintenance, picking kid up and taking to daycare). I do dishes, cleaning, laundry, I also get groceries but he does the brunt of the household work. This has made me love having him working less because my life is substantially easier (asides from financially).
I think you need to try to set aside your current dissatisfaction with the imbalance of money, and throw some of that money to childcare (5 days a week), ask your husband to spend that extra freed up day on something that benefits both of you, like two hours of chores and a grocery run so that you don't have to think about meals through the weekend, and possibly arrange for a cleaner twice a month to do a deep clean or whatever you find yourself resenting.
I think doing this while your child is a toddler will improve things a lot, and give you both some space to think about what you really want. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a parent to work a job that pays a bit more, I don't mean to disparage adjuncts but it's known to be a precarious, poorly renumerated role. He may find people will consider him for grant writing or marketing roles. I think a more reasonable balance for him would be a regular hours job that is relatively stress-free (like tutoring, editing, grant writing, marketing), and he continue to adjunct his favorite class on the side instead of it being the main gig. If he strongly disagrees then you need to decide if you can accept this situation not changing. I appreciate the frustration of feeling like everything falls on you to provide and hope you can work it out, and the feeling that he gets to do exactly what he wants (or close to it), while you make concessions.
posted by lafemma at 8:59 AM on April 11 [1 favorite]
My partner (male) does the majority of the household work (groceries, almost all cooking, appointments, pet care, car maintenance, picking kid up and taking to daycare). I do dishes, cleaning, laundry, I also get groceries but he does the brunt of the household work. This has made me love having him working less because my life is substantially easier (asides from financially).
I think you need to try to set aside your current dissatisfaction with the imbalance of money, and throw some of that money to childcare (5 days a week), ask your husband to spend that extra freed up day on something that benefits both of you, like two hours of chores and a grocery run so that you don't have to think about meals through the weekend, and possibly arrange for a cleaner twice a month to do a deep clean or whatever you find yourself resenting.
I think doing this while your child is a toddler will improve things a lot, and give you both some space to think about what you really want. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a parent to work a job that pays a bit more, I don't mean to disparage adjuncts but it's known to be a precarious, poorly renumerated role. He may find people will consider him for grant writing or marketing roles. I think a more reasonable balance for him would be a regular hours job that is relatively stress-free (like tutoring, editing, grant writing, marketing), and he continue to adjunct his favorite class on the side instead of it being the main gig. If he strongly disagrees then you need to decide if you can accept this situation not changing. I appreciate the frustration of feeling like everything falls on you to provide and hope you can work it out, and the feeling that he gets to do exactly what he wants (or close to it), while you make concessions.
posted by lafemma at 8:59 AM on April 11 [1 favorite]
"His income barely covers childcare, so what's the point?"is one way to look at it. I'm bad at math, but I'd probably go with "I'm getting free childcare out of this, sweet".
If he's been adjuncting for years, and you thought he could still get a tenure track job, he didn't explain the academic job to you well enough. He has options, but that ship has sailed.
posted by umwelt at 12:47 PM on April 11 [5 favorites]
If he's been adjuncting for years, and you thought he could still get a tenure track job, he didn't explain the academic job to you well enough. He has options, but that ship has sailed.
posted by umwelt at 12:47 PM on April 11 [5 favorites]
With the caveat that we're all reading into just a few hundred words of text, I too got the impression that there's not been enough communication between the two of you about this stuff. You don't know or understand why he's made the choices he has or how he feels about them or what they mean to him. How well does he know or understand your feelings now? Back when you asked him to find a better paying job, did he really understand how much you were suffering at work and what it would have meant to you if he'd done that, and how it felt to hear that he hadn't really tried? And back then did you really understand what he felt about the request, and what it would have cost him? You probably both had and have very big, very valid feelings around this - valid for him as well as you.
Talking about this is going to be tricky if you're coming in to it with contempt, though.
posted by trig at 1:07 PM on April 11 [7 favorites]
Talking about this is going to be tricky if you're coming in to it with contempt, though.
posted by trig at 1:07 PM on April 11 [7 favorites]
Honestly, I'm sorry to say it sounds awful and I think you should consider seeing a marriage counselor because I don't see how it could get better. If I were you, I would be focused on the fact that he basically refused to try to find something better. You deserve to be compensated for that stress, somehow. Figure out how you want that to go, what your "price" is to keep the anger at bay, and negotiate with him. If it doesn't get better after that, you can make a more informed decision.
posted by luckdragon at 3:44 PM on April 11
posted by luckdragon at 3:44 PM on April 11
I'm in a similar situation. Reading what you wrote, and maybe projecting a little, I think it's just straight-up jealousy.
I resent that he was able to just trust that the universe would provide, and voila I provide, but honestly what is wrong with that? He lucked out and "married rich" in a way.
From a responder above:
But frankly every now and then it just does start to feel, sometimes, like men have the luxury of believing "the universe will provide" to an extent that is not really available to women. It has not escaped our notice that the "universe" they speak of generally takes the form of "a skilled and hardworking woman." I grew up with this dynamic and I see it around me all the time. The women were raised to know that nobody is ever coming to save us. That we cannot ever fall down on the job. That ultimately, it's up to us and nobody else. The men...I don't know what they were raised with, but it wasn't that!
That really resonated with me. OP, are you jealous of your partner's laid-back approach to life and his lackadaisical "do whatever I want because it will turn out fine in the end" attitude - an attitude that you yourself do not have? This is how I feel and maybe it describes you too.
posted by whitelily at 6:48 PM on April 11 [4 favorites]
I resent that he was able to just trust that the universe would provide, and voila I provide, but honestly what is wrong with that? He lucked out and "married rich" in a way.
From a responder above:
But frankly every now and then it just does start to feel, sometimes, like men have the luxury of believing "the universe will provide" to an extent that is not really available to women. It has not escaped our notice that the "universe" they speak of generally takes the form of "a skilled and hardworking woman." I grew up with this dynamic and I see it around me all the time. The women were raised to know that nobody is ever coming to save us. That we cannot ever fall down on the job. That ultimately, it's up to us and nobody else. The men...I don't know what they were raised with, but it wasn't that!
That really resonated with me. OP, are you jealous of your partner's laid-back approach to life and his lackadaisical "do whatever I want because it will turn out fine in the end" attitude - an attitude that you yourself do not have? This is how I feel and maybe it describes you too.
posted by whitelily at 6:48 PM on April 11 [4 favorites]
Mod note: From the OP:
I included the hours he works plus childcare hours specifically to be fair to him and to demonstrate that my discomfort cannot come from lack of hours. I am sorry if that was confusing. My point was: the hours ARE fair, but the set up still feels unfair.posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 7:43 AM on April 12 [8 favorites]
Obviously everyone feels bad for adjuncts (me included), but I don't think the solution is for the partners of adjuncts to make up for systemic problems. I am surprised how many people seem to suggest that. Lots of us wish the system was set up better for many reasons, but as someone who works with people in poverty every day, the adjunct-as-victim thing is frustrating to see.
For everyone who explained this is about me having freedom to quit (like the fredom he has to quit or continue) and feeling let down that he did very little while I struggled, yeah that's it. The point that women expect to be their own safety net really resonates with me. I just feel let down by my partner and sort of gaslit. I appreciate everyone trying to help me see what is actually the problem here. Not hours or money.
My first husband and I worked similar hours for similar pay, but I did more housework and he was a big spender while I am very frugal. It was terrible! My current (and hopefully forever) husband did not work at all, he did all the housework and we were both frugal together. We have no kids. Now that I am retired we split the housework.
I didn't think I would ever be happy with someone who did not work, but it was great. I think the specific person you are with, and their actions and the way they act and treat you, is an enormous factor. You either feel respected and cared for, or it's lacking. My husband has great empathy and we always tackle problems together. You husband sounds smug and stubborn about his easy life, and possibly not really engaged in working as a team, and I think I would hate being in your position.
I think you know what you need to do to be happy, but hate how hard it's going to be for a while so are looking for reasons you should compromise or wait or suck it up. Your happiness is much more important than you think, you only have the one life.
posted by meepmeow at 5:55 AM on April 18
I didn't think I would ever be happy with someone who did not work, but it was great. I think the specific person you are with, and their actions and the way they act and treat you, is an enormous factor. You either feel respected and cared for, or it's lacking. My husband has great empathy and we always tackle problems together. You husband sounds smug and stubborn about his easy life, and possibly not really engaged in working as a team, and I think I would hate being in your position.
I think you know what you need to do to be happy, but hate how hard it's going to be for a while so are looking for reasons you should compromise or wait or suck it up. Your happiness is much more important than you think, you only have the one life.
posted by meepmeow at 5:55 AM on April 18
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posted by showbiz_liz at 5:10 AM on April 10 [111 favorites]