Tips for Dealing with Other People's Jealousy

February 29, 2024 12:23 PM

Does anyone have advice or resources (such as books, articles or really anything that isn’t a google search) that helps in dealing with people who are jealous or envious of me?

Context: Several close friends have reported to me that the people that I tend to struggle with in my life such as exes, family members and some work relationships are people who are jealous or envious of me.

Incidentally, this feels like a SUPER strange problem to ask for help about as it makes me sound like I’m exceptional or something. And I mean, I’m cool and all, but so are you. Quite frankly, I struggle to even see the envy, but multiple trusted friends have assured me that this is happening which means it’s likely a pretty big blind spot for me.

These trusted people say I have a chill, open vibe and tend to not be overly affected by things. I’m authentic, smart, I work on myself and I have my shit (mostly) together. One friend said I’m shiny and some folks in my life are jealous of that shine.

One friend said she’s seen people be jealous of how warmly I’m received. Another friend said my ex was envious when he basically refused to connect with others at my birthday party and he sat by himself despite me inviting him into the group. Another friend talked about a different ex who cut me down in conversation. I don’t remember it as well as she did, but she was very clear that he was jealous of my intelligence and my friendships.

Folks who are jealous will sometimes lash out at me, or give me micro aggressions. When I recently told a family member about something I’m hoping for, she said something like “Oh that seems like a tall order”. Basically cutting me down and expressing that I shouldn’t get too big for my britches. This has happened in work situations too, when I offered up suggestions that solved problems for one colleague in particular, she’d make negative comments or scoff (and then go do what I suggested).

I feel genuinely mystified when people do all these things, and I don’t usually assume it’s about them - I’ll often investigate if it’s something I’ve said or is something I need to work on. Again my close friends are like “Oh honey, it’s not you, it’s them.”

Anyone have thoughts, resources, suggestions or ideas for how to handle this? I suppose it could help to learn where it comes from, but honestly it's mostly that I want to respond to people with compassion and care - but that does not seem to be easy when there's this kind of response. I am a woman, I get that some of this can be gendered. Resources on that are welcome too. Mostly I’d like to find ways to identify and respond to jealousy that feels authentic and doesn’t involve me going in a tailspin about what I did to provoke this reaction.

Because honestly I kinda like being shiny. :) 



posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total)

Oh, that's none of your business. What people think or feel about you, if it isn't a result of direct actions you've taken toward them, are their private goings on and not something you can or should concern yourself with. In other words, it's about them, not you, and it's time to come to terms with that.

And when you tell people your own plans or give opinions (when asked!) and they don't like it, you can just say "okay".

I get you want to be compassionate to your haters, but again they aren't there for you to control. You can choose to share less information with them since it seems to be a waste of your time and energy. Or you can choose a path of cheerful refusal to be sucked into their crappy game, so if someone grumbles "good luck with that" or whatever you can just breezily say yeah, sure, and then just go shine somewhere else.

It's their right to take the negative view. You don't have to love it, but they are free to go about it this way and all you get to control is what you do yourself. You'll have to choose a reaction you're comfortable with, and then do that.

It may help you to read up on Crab Mentality (this is through a lens of a specific culture, but is a really good essay, this has techniques for dealing with it). Your successes, or refusal to give up in the face of difficulty, shine a light on others' perceived failures, and that's not your fault.

Shine on.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:51 PM on February 29 [29 favorites]

I'm not sure what exactly you're asking for. From your title I thought you were being very strongly affected by people who felt envious or jealous of you, perhaps because of the way they behaved towards you was causing you to have strong feelings in reaction. But from your post it seems like you don't even notice it most of the time?

And when you do notice something off, it's not really their envy or jealousy that you notice but rather their microaggressions and put-downs, which for all you know could be coming from someplace entirely other than jealousy (regardless of what your friends say). And the important part is, you don't ask how to deal with the microaggressions or the put-downs, indeed it seems you are quite adept at handling all of that, you just shrug and let it roll off your back and get on with your life. Which is great. Perfect, even!

You say:

> I want to respond to people with compassion and care

But again, it sounds like you're already doing that? Like, you didn't yell and scream and unload your anger on these people who put you down or microaggressed at you, right? You were just bewildered and you walked away from them and continued to live your life. So... that's a very highly compassionate response. You didn't retaliate or react at all.

So I am left wondering what exactly you're asking help for.

I wonder if by "respond to people with compassion and care", what you mean is, "respond to people in a way that reassures them, soothes their anxieties about me, fixes their jealousy towards me, shows them they have nothing to worry about from me," or something like that? If so, then I would recommend reading lots of books and articles about how to develop emotional boundaries within yourself. The gist is just: you can't fix other people. You should not be trying to change how other people feel. You should allow people to feel whatever they wish to feel, even if that is a feeling you don't like.

Another possibility is, perhaps you mean "how can I respond to people in such a way that doesn't evoke jealousy or envy from them, how can I respond to people in a way that makes them just like me in an uncomplicated way"? Or something like that? If that is what you're asking, I would recommend that you read books about how to develop self esteem. Ideally, you would not want to change yourself to make other people like you or be happy with you. Ideally you would not base any aspect of your well-being on how random co-workers feel about you.
posted by MiraK at 12:55 PM on February 29 [16 favorites]

Speaking as someone who knows someone who shines and is often jealous of them for shining....sometimes it's not you or them but rather it's how mutual co-workers/friends/family interact with you vs. them. What you are describing gives me the impression that you might have inadvertently become The Favorite.

Are these close friends celebrating your shininess to the exclusion of others? Are there people in your life who go out of their way to offer you special attention or privileges because you're shiny? Are there others in your circle of friends who shine in their own way, but most people don't notice it because they only know how to perceive your shininess?
posted by RonButNotStupid at 1:00 PM on February 29 [7 favorites]

One friend said she’s seen people be jealous of how warmly I’m received. Another friend said my ex was envious when he basically refused to connect with others at my birthday party and he sat by himself despite me inviting him into the group. Another friend talked about a different ex who cut me down in conversation. I don’t remember it as well as she did, but she was very clear that he was jealous of my intelligence and my friendships.

I am wondering why these friends feel it necessary to share the jealousy thing with you. Like, your ex is not obligated to connect with others. If he wants to be a partypooper for himself, that is his business. Also, is the latter friend a mind reader? How does that friend know for certain that the second ex was jealous of your intelligence and your friendships?

So I am skeptical about those folks but mostly because gossip is not usually helpful and we cannot change how people feel. If there are individuals who are jealous of you, so what? You cannot do anything about it. As mentioned above, that is none of your business. We all get to have feels. If you are struggling with coworkers or family members or exes, you can respond to the behaviour but there is no point in attempting to can their feels. Interesting question. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 1:06 PM on February 29 [20 favorites]

Sometimes it's tempting and quite easy to get caught up in understanding why people are treating us poorly, when really we should be focusing on their behavior towards us and how it makes us feel. Like, let's say they are tired and mean to us because they didn't sleep well. If that always happens, and they're always mean, it hardly matters that it's because they're tired.

So, why does it matter if they are treating you poorly? I don't think this is about understanding your friends. I think it's about having better boundaries around poor behavior towards you.

If you date someone who is cutting you down, then the thing to do is communicate to them that that's not okay, or leave the relationship. I think your friends are saying you are chill and what they also mean is, stop letting people treat you in these ways. We don't like it, and we don't think you should either.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:18 PM on February 29 [4 favorites]

To be honest, I think your energy would be better spent continuing to work on living your best life and building connections with people who appreciate you genuinely. To try and please everyone with your personality is a losing battle. Unless there is a specific reason you need these people to change their behaviour towards you (ie: you're their boss or you have to work with them on a daily basis) , it's not worth your time to try and please them. Actually, even if you do respond with compassion and care, they will probably be annoyed by that too. It's normal for people to feel jealousy and it doesnt mean you've done anything wrong. They are responsible for their own actions and this is how they've chosen to behave. You don't need to shrink yourself down to their level. Instead grow yourself upwards towardd someone you admire and surround yourself with people who challenge you.
posted by winterportage at 3:06 PM on February 29 [2 favorites]

It’s not your job to fix them or stop them feeling this way. You didn’t do anything to provoke the reaction, other than being shiny.

Empathy comes from understanding how crappy it feels to do this, even if they get a kick out of bringing you down. They wouldn’t do it if they knew they could be shiny themselves (everyone has their own shine, even if they don’t know it). There’s a whole complex of reasons that people don’t know that. None of them are your responsibility. So just know that because *reasons*, they don’t feel connected to their own shine, which makes them instinctively lash out at you. You can have a knd of neutral, healthily-distanced empathy for that, without getting involved or letting it impact you.

Think of Snow White’s stepmother giving her a poisoned apple, out of resentment that Snow White is shinier. It’s not Snow White’s job to make the stepmother feel ok about herself and to stop the stepmother wanting to poison her. It’s waking up so that she doesn’t take the poison. Poison arising from envy can operate in a lot of different ways, including making you doubt yourself so that you focus there rather than on doing your thing.

I agree that you’re better surrounding yourself with people who want to support you rather than bring you down. Maybe look into why you might feel hooked into being friends with these sorts of people. If it’s in your family, sounds like it could have been a dynamic in childhood/with a parent.
posted by MrChuckles at 3:23 PM on February 29 [3 favorites]

I had the same question as Bella Donna -- why are your nominal friends bringing this to you? Are they trying to start drama? Because it sounds like they're trying to start drama, and in that case, the fix may be better friends.
posted by humbug at 3:38 PM on February 29 [8 favorites]

Things have gotten harder for people in general and particularly harder for those of us who don’t have likeability privilege, which does not excuse but may explain some of the behaviour of folks who are responding unkindly to your shining. In situations where I have privilege, I derive great moral comfort from doing the right thing, which is advocating, where appropriate, for those who don’t have that privilege. (This does not mean advocating for someone who’s unkind, necessarily!)

This practice helps me with my resilience in dealing with unkind responses of this type.
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 3:41 PM on February 29 [1 favorite]

I think you need to address the shit-stirrers in your life more than any supposedly jealous people, especially as you don't seem to be actually experiencing that jealousy!
posted by praemunire at 4:01 PM on February 29 [7 favorites]

Get new friends. Seriously.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:56 PM on February 29 [2 favorites]

Several close friends have reported to me that the people that I tend to struggle with in my life such as exes, family members and some work relationships are people who are jealous or envious of me.

Don't get me wrong, but I think it's worth noting that "they're jealous of you" is also just a thing people say when trying to make a person feel better about someone who is being unpleasant to them. "So-and-so is undermining you because he's jealous of how smart you are." "So-and-so is treating you like a jerk because she'e jealous of your good looks." And so on. I'm not saying that this is never correct and true, but I wouldn't read too much into it. My experience is that you'd know and wouldn't need to be told if jealousy were the primary driver of anyone's unpleasantness towards you. To make an example: on our wedding day Mrs. slkinsey's sister told her that "you're going to be married for the second time and I've never even been married once," as though the painful and drawn out dissolution of her previous marriage was somehow a good thing. That, IMO, is a clear indication of jealousy--and even then I wouldn't say that jealousy is a central issue in whatever difficulties they might have between them.
posted by slkinsey at 6:25 PM on February 29 [16 favorites]

I feel genuinely mystified when people do all these things, and I don’t usually assume it’s about them - I’ll often investigate if it’s something I’ve said or is something I need to work on. Again my close friends are like “Oh honey, it’s not you, it’s them.”

I’d like to find ways to identify and respond to jealousy that feels authentic and doesn’t involve me going in a tailspin about what I did to provoke this reaction.

Just taking these two statements, I think it's possible that you are spending far too much time and energy trying to interrogate other people's responses to and feelings about you, and people are trying to redirect you from this. Researching how to respond to something that you admit you don't actually "see" but are reacting to is kind of doing the same thing, no?

My advice is to ask yourself, what benefit would doing this serve you? Or anyone else, for that matter?
posted by sm1tten at 6:43 PM on February 29 [8 favorites]

One friend said I’m shiny and some folks in my life are jealous of that shine.

this is generic boilerplate “good and loyal friend” bullshit and you are probably nice and cool but to take this as a serious referendum on your character and the hidden motives of others is concerningly credulous. it’s like when you tell a friend suffering from romantic failures that her only problem is she’s too intimidating and other people are just threatened. it’s kind and consoling and not a lie…IF we all understand that boilerplate friend bullshit is what it is.

you have to know how to take a compliment in this life. but you also have to know not to take a compliment to heart when it involves putting other people down. if I were you, I would be pleased and touched to find that my friends were so free and easy with pretty words. I would be not be pleased to find out they thought I was the type of person to eat this all up uncritically.

someone tells you that so-and-so only has a problem with you because they’re jealous, you say Aww, thanks. and then think no more about it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:50 PM on February 29 [36 favorites]

When my brother was a jerk to me in the past and I would talk to other relatives about it(ie seeking sympathy for myself), I would often get told that the basis for his jerky behavior was that he was jealous of me and I should somehow tone down my awesomeness so he wouldn’t feel so bad, and otherwise, well ofc he’s going to be a jerk because how can he help it?

If your friends are saying others are jealous of you without your asking, then I think they’re trying to start drama. But if you’re relating the jerky behavior to them and that’s their explanation, it’s a copout.

I’m jealous of people all the time - I manage to behave civilly to them (I hope) so that’s how I know jealousy is no excuse for rudeness…
posted by Tandem Affinity at 9:09 PM on February 29 [1 favorite]

The 'problematic' behaviours you're giving examples of seem pretty benign to me? With perhaps the exception of the workplace two face, but this type of petty two facedness is ubiquitous in workplaces. Jealousy is possibility for their motivation, but personally I would put jealousy pretty far down the list of most probable.

It also seems quite normal to be mystified by others' behaviour every now and then? You have no idea what's going on in their heads.

I suggest putting this specific issue out of your head, or at least trying to, perhaps on a trial basis. I bet you'll be happier.
posted by sid at 10:50 PM on February 29 [2 favorites]

Jealousy may be the most sincere form of flattery, but it's often a mistake to read too much into flattery, just as it's often a mistake to read too much into criticism.

Some people will just feel threatened by anything. If you observe them for a while, you might notice that certain patterns (eg. reacting badly to useful advice, kneejerk urge to rain on someone's parade when they share their hopes and dreams, etc) are consistent in all their interpersonal interactions.

And if that pattern is not consistent, and it's really more prevalent when they're dealing with you, that still doesn't necessarily mean that they are more jealous of you than of others; it just means that they feel more comfortable revealing their resentments to you, because you might be less likely to give them too much pushback. Which might be a good thing! It might be that you appear so confident and at peace with yourself that you can let these things roll of your back, or it might mean that you know how to pick your battles, and this sort of thing is not worth engaging with.

Again my close friends are like “Oh honey, it’s not you, it’s them.”

It may be boilerplate, but it's usually true (or true enough for practical purposes). I'm afraid, there really isn't much more to it.

Like others, I do wonder a bit why your friends feel the need to draw your attention to slights you wouldn't notice yourself. "It's not you, it's them" is the loyal thing to say when a friend needs reassurcence, but it becomes a bit more sketchy when it's you who told the friend the thing that caused the need for reassurence in the first place.

Or could it be that deep down, these interactions bother you more than you want to believe, and your friends pick up on that, and that's why they feel the need to reassure you? In that case I would look into some literature about people-pleasing and how to overcome that.
posted by sohalt at 12:01 AM on March 1

I can't tell the quality of your friends from this question BUT why are you hanging out with your mean, antisocial exes?
posted by kingdead at 4:00 AM on March 1 [7 favorites]

Yeah, I agree with the comments that "They're just jealous" is kind of a throwaway thing to say. I think your friends are probably well-meaning, trying to tell you it's not your fault when people treat you badly and that's true, mostly when people are mean to you in a social setting it's about their stuff. Maybe they do in fact feel insecure and they are compensating. Maybe your ex wasn't all that comfortable at your party if (just spitballing) it was shortly after the breakup and should probably have stayed home rather than moping on the couch.

Not all the things you've listed here are on the same level, and some may in fact require addressing. The co-worker, for instance, may be someone who thinks it's to their advantage to undermine you for whatever reason. That's being a shitty co-worker and you should probably come up with a strategy to deal with them.

In general I think having one explanation for all of these things is not that productive and walking around thinking everyone is jealous of you is not going to help you interact with people on a genuine level. Every one of these people is an individual and all these situations are different.
posted by BibiRose at 4:17 AM on March 1 [5 favorites]

Maybe it is just the way you are recounting things, but this doesn’t seem like it’s much of a problem; it seems like your friends tell you it is. Are you too influenced by the opinions of your friends? I don't know, maybe give that some thought?

The only legit example is the annoying co-worker, where it doesn't matter why she is acting that way....

Shine on and good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 8:22 AM on March 1 [1 favorite]

Don't know why people are assuming it's boilerplate bullshit, like OP's friends are blowing steam up their ass. Sure, that can be a thing. But these are pretty specific examples of situations. If my friend said to me that "my ex refused to connect with others" and gave another example of a different ex where they noticed them cutting me down in conversation, I would believe them.

OP themselves noticed microaggressions of people who made them feel small when they express their desires. That's classic jealousy, to me. Just because it's ONLY two examples, doesn't mean it's the only time it's ever happened to OP or that OP's concerns should be waved away?

Not sure why such a bad faith interpretation of the question seems to be skewing the answers but I believe OP. I don't think it's just a, 'soandsofriend was mean to me!' / 'oh, they're just jealous!' situation. Sorry you're not getting much resources to help with this, OP.

OP, I assume you have been noticing negative reactions occasionally and internalizing them. It doesn't seem common, but when it does happen it feels like something you did and that's why you're asking the question, and why it's bothering you.

So, you can't change their reactions to you. You can only use resources to not internalize crap people's opinions. You aren't responsible for their feelings and don't need to validate them with a response. But if you feel comfortable, set your boundaries by pushing back on their shitty remark. For example; your relative that made you feel small-- you could say 'that's not a very positive interpretation on (my idea)' if they say something like: 'I'm just trying to be realistic!' you could say 'sometimes being realistic is not very motivating/helpful.'

But don't underestimate the power of just walking away. Sure, maybe they are right, but you just gotta keep feeling and being awesome. If someone cuts you down, it's because they feel crappy about themselves. Shake it off.

As for the work thing, this is more nuanced and more pressing an issue because people jealous of you at work can undermine you and/or make stuff bad for you down the line.

Here are some 'ask a manager' about jealousy to specifically help with the work thing:
How to manage a team that resents you
my rude and intrusive co-worker makes me feel horrible
Here is a pretty good blog post about how to deal with jealousy at work

Lastly, it seems like you have two crappy exes that your friends noticed made you feel small. If this is a pattern, maybe look into why you pick these people? Do you often make yourself seem small to appease your SOs? I'm assuming a lot, but if this is a pattern in your life, then maybe therapy can help. Disregard if I'm way off base. But great partners make you feel like you too can be great, and want to shine with you, not dull your shine.

Good luck!
posted by Dimes at 9:39 AM on March 1 [4 favorites]

Some of these responses are excellent examples of crabs-in-a-bucket mentality in action. It really isn't something you can control, short of making yourself small and mute. There is always someone (or several someones) in a group just dying to say "you're not as great as you think you are."

Mostly I’d like to find ways to identify and respond to jealousy that feels authentic and doesn’t involve me going in a tailspin about what I did to provoke this reaction.

I agree with the others who've said it isn't your responsibility to manage how other people feel. Obviously there's a line; rubbing somebody's face in something isn't nice at all. But if you're just living your life and generally being kind, there's not much more that you can do. If you feel unsafe when you can't manage others' emotions, then that's something you might want to explore further through research or speaking with a professional.
posted by Stoof at 11:39 AM on March 1 [4 favorites]