Approaching people in groups
February 27, 2024 7:16 AM Subscribe
Yesterday, I had an awkward interaction that I am realizing that happens more often than I want. How do I manage this?
I generally think I am a warm and kind person but I can get awkward when I run into someone. I've made a new friend in the past few months, after meeting out and about. We went on a date but nothing came of it, and we were still friendly after. The other day, I saw her from a distance at a gym and didn't approach because I felt uncomfortable approaching, and I saw that she was with a group of people so I felt even more intimidated. We never exchanged eye contact, and at one point we were standing close but I still didn't say hi. I know she saw me and vice versa.
This also happened, but in another way, at another party with someone else. I knew of her, but I didn't approach or make an effort as I was intimidated. My friend who I was with said she was surprised at my behavior towards this other person (who she also knew) and that I came off as standoffish to this other person.
I kind of feel bad now, thinking about both situations. I'm wondering a few things:
1. I want to be kind and warm, and be better about approaching people when it's appropriate. Any tips on how to do this?
2. Do I text either person and apologize? I'm worried that they may think I am mad at them, but I'm just being awkward. I genuinely want to get to know their friends too.
3. How do I feel less bad about my behaviors? I have mild OCD so I think I am being obsessive about thinking about my weirdness.
I generally think I am a warm and kind person but I can get awkward when I run into someone. I've made a new friend in the past few months, after meeting out and about. We went on a date but nothing came of it, and we were still friendly after. The other day, I saw her from a distance at a gym and didn't approach because I felt uncomfortable approaching, and I saw that she was with a group of people so I felt even more intimidated. We never exchanged eye contact, and at one point we were standing close but I still didn't say hi. I know she saw me and vice versa.
This also happened, but in another way, at another party with someone else. I knew of her, but I didn't approach or make an effort as I was intimidated. My friend who I was with said she was surprised at my behavior towards this other person (who she also knew) and that I came off as standoffish to this other person.
I kind of feel bad now, thinking about both situations. I'm wondering a few things:
1. I want to be kind and warm, and be better about approaching people when it's appropriate. Any tips on how to do this?
2. Do I text either person and apologize? I'm worried that they may think I am mad at them, but I'm just being awkward. I genuinely want to get to know their friends too.
3. How do I feel less bad about my behaviors? I have mild OCD so I think I am being obsessive about thinking about my weirdness.
You're trying to do a lot of mind reading here -- you are taking action based on things you think another person is thinking. But, the odds are they're not thinking negative about you (most people don't think negatively about people they consider friends). You don't actually know that you need to apologize, because it's very likely that they have not been wronged.
The most you should do is, the next time you see the person -- or if you cannot resist the need to reach out first -- mention that you saw them at the event and offer your regret that you didn't get a chance to talk to them. You don't need to apologize, don't offer reasons or explanations, just acknowledge that you know they were there, you didn't speak to them, and that's that. THAT will let them know you weren't deliberately slighting them. If you try to apologize and explain, they may be taken aback that they didn't realize something that serious actually happened.
I'm a neurotic mess and I get wrapped up in these sort of things too, but the fact that I can't read minds, and the fact that people rarely go right to malice in response to my actions, are what I hold on to. It's entirely possible that they saw you were at the event with someone else and also didn't want to interrupt. Hold onto the middle-of-the-road options, not the bad ones.
posted by AzraelBrown at 7:43 AM on February 27 [4 favorites]
The most you should do is, the next time you see the person -- or if you cannot resist the need to reach out first -- mention that you saw them at the event and offer your regret that you didn't get a chance to talk to them. You don't need to apologize, don't offer reasons or explanations, just acknowledge that you know they were there, you didn't speak to them, and that's that. THAT will let them know you weren't deliberately slighting them. If you try to apologize and explain, they may be taken aback that they didn't realize something that serious actually happened.
I'm a neurotic mess and I get wrapped up in these sort of things too, but the fact that I can't read minds, and the fact that people rarely go right to malice in response to my actions, are what I hold on to. It's entirely possible that they saw you were at the event with someone else and also didn't want to interrupt. Hold onto the middle-of-the-road options, not the bad ones.
posted by AzraelBrown at 7:43 AM on February 27 [4 favorites]
Agree with jacquilynne, this is what body language is for. It says, "I see you, and I see that you're otherwise engaged." I use brief head nods too in this situation.
posted by eirias at 8:11 AM on February 27 [2 favorites]
posted by eirias at 8:11 AM on February 27 [2 favorites]
I want to be kind and warm, and be better about approaching people when it's appropriate. Any tips on how to do this?
Here is something that has helped me interact with folks better: flip the situation.
If an acquaintance said a quick hello to you in public, how would you feel about that? Would you be thinking "oh god, how gross, they are being so inappropriate, how sad for them," or would you think "oh hi that was nice :)" I bet you'd feel positively about it and not think anything unkindly about them at all, right?
So why would any of us assume the worst of others? If I wouldn't think badly of someone for an action, why would they think badly of me for that same action? You can just do the thing! It will be fine!
In a similar vein, confidence comes from doing. You become more confident by putting yourself into situations that are mildly and briefly uncomfortable. The more you practice the experience of being mildly uncomfortable, the less it will matter and the more confident you will become.
It's the same as what they say about bravery. Brave people aren't fearless. Brave people are afraid and do the thing anyway. Confident people aren't never uncomfortable, confident people just know that being uncomfortable is a normal, human, and fleeting part of everyday life and do the thing anyway.
The more you put yourself into situations that feel awkward, the better you'll get at it and the less awkward you will become.
posted by phunniemee at 8:12 AM on February 27 [11 favorites]
Here is something that has helped me interact with folks better: flip the situation.
If an acquaintance said a quick hello to you in public, how would you feel about that? Would you be thinking "oh god, how gross, they are being so inappropriate, how sad for them," or would you think "oh hi that was nice :)" I bet you'd feel positively about it and not think anything unkindly about them at all, right?
So why would any of us assume the worst of others? If I wouldn't think badly of someone for an action, why would they think badly of me for that same action? You can just do the thing! It will be fine!
In a similar vein, confidence comes from doing. You become more confident by putting yourself into situations that are mildly and briefly uncomfortable. The more you practice the experience of being mildly uncomfortable, the less it will matter and the more confident you will become.
It's the same as what they say about bravery. Brave people aren't fearless. Brave people are afraid and do the thing anyway. Confident people aren't never uncomfortable, confident people just know that being uncomfortable is a normal, human, and fleeting part of everyday life and do the thing anyway.
The more you put yourself into situations that feel awkward, the better you'll get at it and the less awkward you will become.
posted by phunniemee at 8:12 AM on February 27 [11 favorites]
I would send a text and say "Hi! I saw you across the room the other day and felt a bit shy saying hi but wanted to say hi now! (One day I'll learn not to be awkward but that wasn't the day dammit!) anyway, it was great to see you from afar, and I hope all's well!"
Next time, just force yourself to go over and say hi. The worst that could happen is the person gives you the cold shoulder, which hurts but isn't the end of the world.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:18 AM on February 27 [5 favorites]
Next time, just force yourself to go over and say hi. The worst that could happen is the person gives you the cold shoulder, which hurts but isn't the end of the world.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:18 AM on February 27 [5 favorites]
This may be a big city vs small town thing. I'm a city person. I'd never force myself to go say hi to an acquaintance who was engaged with other people – not unless I had some specific reason to talk to them. Eye contact, a nod hello, then forget about it. Texting after such a slight encounter would feel intrusive.
posted by zadcat at 8:47 AM on February 27 [9 favorites]
posted by zadcat at 8:47 AM on February 27 [9 favorites]
I would offer a different way to look at this. If you want to always be kind and warm, you're not going to account for these situations where you're just out and about and minding your own business. In the gym situation, this is fine behavior. Neither of you made eye contact and if she didn't see you, it would be awkward for you to interrupt her in the group. I agree with others that if she exchanged eye contact with you then at that point you could do a small wave, head nod or say Hi! But keep moving on without intention to stop and talk is appropriate.
I would pushback on your friend who you say is taken aback by you not saying hi to a friend at a party. Your friend also knows that person you said, so why did this friend also not say anything? Or what actually happened?
You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to act a certain way and that is a recipe for awkwardness. We do not have to put on a friendly face everywhere we go to the point where we are questioning our actions. It's ok to just do your thing. It doesn't sound like you're being unkind or not warm just doing your thing as everyone else is.
posted by mxjudyliza at 8:54 AM on February 27 [1 favorite]
I would pushback on your friend who you say is taken aback by you not saying hi to a friend at a party. Your friend also knows that person you said, so why did this friend also not say anything? Or what actually happened?
You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to act a certain way and that is a recipe for awkwardness. We do not have to put on a friendly face everywhere we go to the point where we are questioning our actions. It's ok to just do your thing. It doesn't sound like you're being unkind or not warm just doing your thing as everyone else is.
posted by mxjudyliza at 8:54 AM on February 27 [1 favorite]
If you're at all shy, it's easy to think that others are comfortable in social situations. Try to catch her eye, wave hello. Next time you see her, just say I feel awkward approaching people in groups; I hope you didn't think I was ignoring you or being rude.. Over time, I've learned that a lot of people feel awkward socially. It's okay.
posted by theora55 at 9:17 AM on February 27
posted by theora55 at 9:17 AM on February 27
+1 to warm smile, tiny wave.
A followup text would do little but dump your social anxiety into their lap for them to manage. If these are well adjusted people, they are not perseverating on this; they're fine and your friendship is fine. Just approach it differently next time, trusting that people who like you do not feel like it is an imposition to have that brief 'oh hi you're here too!' moment.
posted by wormtales at 9:33 AM on February 27 [4 favorites]
A followup text would do little but dump your social anxiety into their lap for them to manage. If these are well adjusted people, they are not perseverating on this; they're fine and your friendship is fine. Just approach it differently next time, trusting that people who like you do not feel like it is an imposition to have that brief 'oh hi you're here too!' moment.
posted by wormtales at 9:33 AM on February 27 [4 favorites]
You've got a few things combining here to make the gym friend a trickier social situation:
-You are friendly but also did go on a date
-You saw each other at a gym, a place where you spend a while facing different directions and moving around but not necessarily interacting with people for the activity
-She was with a group
So, I'd say to cut yourself some slack about you being awkward. It's an awkward situation! I am also someone who can default to insecurity and anxiety that has come across as being standoffish. I once had a revelation in talking to a coworker who is incredibly introverted. He said something like, "No one ever says hi to me at meetings." But I knew that he never said hi first either. So I always make a point of saying hi first to this person, and others, even if they don't say hi to me.
Maybe it would be easier if you decided that everyone is feeling a bit awkward, and you're going to pop the awkward bubble. Raise your eyebrows, smile, give a little wave. The hard part is waiting til you have eye contact. But if you just go ahead and say, "Hey [Name]" when you first see them, it can make a little easier.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:37 AM on February 27 [2 favorites]
-You are friendly but also did go on a date
-You saw each other at a gym, a place where you spend a while facing different directions and moving around but not necessarily interacting with people for the activity
-She was with a group
So, I'd say to cut yourself some slack about you being awkward. It's an awkward situation! I am also someone who can default to insecurity and anxiety that has come across as being standoffish. I once had a revelation in talking to a coworker who is incredibly introverted. He said something like, "No one ever says hi to me at meetings." But I knew that he never said hi first either. So I always make a point of saying hi first to this person, and others, even if they don't say hi to me.
Maybe it would be easier if you decided that everyone is feeling a bit awkward, and you're going to pop the awkward bubble. Raise your eyebrows, smile, give a little wave. The hard part is waiting til you have eye contact. But if you just go ahead and say, "Hey [Name]" when you first see them, it can make a little easier.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:37 AM on February 27 [2 favorites]
I would not text either of these people - that just makes it more weird.
I sorta think it's on the person in the group to decide how to play it - if they want you to join their group, they should call you over. So, I'm another vote for eye contact + small nod/wave, and move on - unless they call you over, of course.
posted by coffeecat at 10:56 AM on February 27 [4 favorites]
I sorta think it's on the person in the group to decide how to play it - if they want you to join their group, they should call you over. So, I'm another vote for eye contact + small nod/wave, and move on - unless they call you over, of course.
posted by coffeecat at 10:56 AM on February 27 [4 favorites]
I wouldn't text them about this.
You didn't acknowledge them and neither did they. That's no big deal at all.
For all you know she didn't really notice you, and vice versa.
posted by M. at 11:49 AM on February 27 [1 favorite]
You didn't acknowledge them and neither did they. That's no big deal at all.
For all you know she didn't really notice you, and vice versa.
posted by M. at 11:49 AM on February 27 [1 favorite]
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If I see someone I know in public, the least contact I find comfortable is to make eye contact and smile to acknowledge that I see them and that they are a person I know. If I want to do more but don't particularly want them to feel like they have to come talk to me, I will give them the tiniest of waves - just raising a few fingers at waist level.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:27 AM on February 27 [14 favorites]