How to get her to stop licking her fingers?

February 21, 2024 5:58 PM

My 6yo daughter has sucked her middle two fingers since she was months old. I never really cared one way or the other, and figured she'd grow out of it. She hasn't, and overall I'm okay with that in principle, but I am increasingly not okay with the knock-on effects and co-behaviors they have shown up. What do I do?

We have a video of this little cute 3 mo old finding her middle two fingers for the first time, and they've basically been there for the following 6 years. It's clearly a comfort thing for her -- when she retreats, hides, snuggles, or sleeps, in they go.

Over this past school year the amount of sicknesses coming into the house has become untenable. We just can't take being sick constantly, and maybe I'm too quick to blame her, but here's what I know: our frankly mild efforts to get her to stop sucking her fingers AND/OR wash her hands nearly constantly AND/OR the social pressure of being at school where she maybe can't or won't suck her fingers (?) have resulted in the following emergent behavior:
- she now licks her lips constantly, resulting in extremely chapped lips and a huge ring around her mouth. Of course she fights us on Vaseline and chap stick.
- she has begun licking her fingers and palms and rubbing them together. Depending on what she's doing, it can be an every 30 second thing. Unlike the finger sucking (which is often private, I think) she will do this in public. For instance, a hostess offered her the opportunity to pick a colorful straw from a bin and she licked both hands before picking. She will do it before touching door knobs. My partner watched her lick an elevator button the other day.

In short, there are now more sicknesses in the house than ever because she is effectively licking everything she touches.

So I said above I think it's fairly clear this is an anxiety or comfort behavior. We have purchased her some chewlery to put in her mouth instead, which works sometimes, sort of, and we bought a sensory swing thinking she'd respond to the calming (and she does...when she's in it, which is obviously a very small part of the day).

At this point I basically can't help myself from telling her to stop licking her fingers every time I see her do it, which is a lot. I just think it's gross and unacceptable to take that into the world, and I am having a really hard time not reacting to this behavior in what I'm sure is a thoroughly unhelpful way. I was sort of thinking about it from a cognitive behavioral therapy POV, that if she's going to change her behavior she needs to be made aware of it so she can bring her awareness forward in time, right? But instead I think I just make her feel like shit, and I truly can't say if she is or isn't aware she's doing it anyway (she says she's not).

She's upstairs sick again right now, and I'm screwing up my kid's head daily. What do I do?

posted by AbelMelveny to Human Relations (24 answers total)

Have you considered offering her a reward if she restrains from doing those behaviors for, say, three months?
posted by summerstorm at 6:09 PM on February 21 [2 favorites]

This kind of thing is so hard. I think you will need to find a substitute behavior; you could try different types of fidgets and different things to chew on. I might also seek out an appointment with an OT (maybe her pediatrician can refer you?) if that’s feasible in terms of insurance/cost.

Anecdote:
My kid was chewing on the neck of her shirts, which would damage the fabric, then she’d refuse to wear the shirts because it made it uncomfortable. We tried the silicone chewy necklaces but they didn’t really work for her. We found some braided fabric chewy necklaces that are I guess much closer to the feel of chewing on clothing. At first she didn’t ever remember to use them, so when I saw her chewing on her shirt, I’d bring a necklace over and literally just replace it into her mouth. I think ultimately it was less satisfying(?) or maybe she grew out of it - she chews on clothing a lot less often now. I still bring her the necklaces when I catch her chewing on things. Every kid and situation is different, but I think a lot of kids can figure out fidgets and sensory strategies that don’t cause problems.

Also, if it’s viral upper respiratory infections, I don’t think her behavior would contribute. If she’s getting norovirus or things along those lines, it would. When my kid first went to public school, which was right as mask restrictions were lifted, we were sick continuously for three months, just cold after cold after cold (and covid of course).
posted by maleficent at 6:12 PM on February 21 [4 favorites]

Best answer: To add - OTs (occupational therapists) are really good at figuring out strategies and alternatives for sensory behaviors that a kid isn’t able to stop on their own. That’s something a lot of OTs do all the time, bc this is a really common issue.
posted by maleficent at 6:16 PM on February 21 [29 favorites]

Definitely talk to an occupational therapist if you possibly can. And this will sound very strange, but I swear that it worked for one of my cousins—she was licking her fingers constantly, her parents tried adding a sprinkle of salt to her food and the licking stopped. Might not work but it can’t hurt unless salt is contraindicated.
posted by corey flood at 6:22 PM on February 21 [4 favorites]

My son had an anxiety mouth licking and we went to the doctor who said eucerin cream and aquaphor on top.

The sensation of dry skin itching is the stimulus that causes the action (licking).

It took a while and we even had to send him to school with it and have the teacher remind him to apply. When the skin healed it stopped.

For finger licking my friends put band aids on the fingers and reward/bribe after X many days suck free.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:54 PM on February 21

I did the anxious lip licking thing for a while as a kid, maybe age 6, and got a huge red ring around my mouth, too. My old-fashioned aunt and a few cousins yelled at me a bunch of times that it was gross and ugly, until I got ashamed and stopped. I'm not recommending this! But just wanted to offer, in case it helps to hear it, I stopped eventually, the red ring went away, and now as an adult my anxiety levels are within normal bounds, I don't have any tics, and I don't feel scarred by the whole thing at all. And my kids don't lick their hands, yet they too are disgustingly sick all the time and make me sick too (we had flus, colds, barfs, strep throat, and pinkeye last year!!). Not to minimize your concern, but kids do gross stuff and lot of these weird childhood things just stop with time. I promise she won't be chewing her fingers in middle school!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:00 PM on February 21 [2 favorites]

When I was little I sucked my thumb and index finger. I loved it. Idk. But I knew it wasn’t like…appropriate. So I wrote a letter to highlights magazine and they gave me the advice that if I really wanted to, I could do it, but maybe first try sitting on my hands (literally) for 5 minutes before i would suck, and then next week, 6 minutes, and it really worked. I was about 6 years old when I tried this and it worked for me, maybe something to try. Knowing that the extreme craving would eventually pass was huge for me.

I know this isn’t exactly the same situation as your kid. I’m wondering if like.. let’s say wearing a hoodie with a fidget toy in the big pocket would work in the short term? Like bc it was true for me, the cravings DID pass eventually it just took a little time.
posted by capnsue at 7:00 PM on February 21 [18 favorites]

Just as another reason to find a way to stop the behavior, my brother *really* messed up his bite doing this. Just from the little bit of constant pressure on the teeth.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 7:03 PM on February 21 [1 favorite]

Best answer: It might be stimming or sensory seeking or both. The chewelry is a great idea, keep experimenting with different kinds of chewelry and see if any one works better than others. Resist the temptation to tell her to stop or say no, instead try to substitute a designated object.

Have you sought a children's occupational therapist (OT)? If not, I'd strongly recommend it.
posted by splitpeasoup at 7:10 PM on February 21 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Hi, I’m at OT. Have you tried gum? Maybe her hands taste a little salty and she likes the taste? You could try the occasional sugar free sour Candy, especially in situations where you really can’t have her licking. Is she able to vocalize why she does this? Is she a kid that’s constantly moving and bumping into things and doesn’t care if her face and hands are messy? She could like how it feels when her hands are wet and I wonder if she’d benefit from playing with something else wet and sticky in public, like slime.

Is she bothered by bright lights and loud sounds? Maybe she’s doing this to soothe herself when everything else is overwhelming. In that case she may benefit from headphones or a stress ball or just more breaks when she’s overwhelmed. Is she calmed by deep pressure? There’s something called heavy work that’s calming that kids with anxiety can benefit from. It’s basically any activity that provides deep pressure to their joints, so using weighed items but also things like wall push ups and jumping and crashing and any other resistance exercises. She may find activities like that soothing, but I would urge you to combine it with oral input like a chewy and tactile input. She needs ways to get input in the moment as well.

Finally, is anxiety in general a problem for her? I love all the replies recommending OT and the general love for OT here but we don’t work in a vacuum and if her anxiety is that severe OT alone won’t fix it. Definitely look into getting OT, but I’d also highly recommend counseling to help with the underlying anxiety, if you think that’s a factor. The strategies I recommended can help, but they won’t treat anxiety at its source.

Good luck!
posted by Amy93 at 8:04 PM on February 21 [30 favorites]

Just chiming in that as someone else who sucked their fingers as a kid, it seriously, seriously messed up my bite, pushed my front teeth way forward, and because my parents couldn't afford braces i wasn't able to get it fixed until well until my adult years. (And uh… that habit was only replaced with excessive nail biting. Which is still a problem, but at this point in life ill probably be biting my nails on my death bed…)

My point however is 10, 15, 20 or 30 years from now your daughter will be thanking you for making her stop. Or at least she should be. The finger licking is problematic, and i wish you luck with that but im glad for her sake shes leaning towards giving up the fingers.
posted by cgg at 8:16 PM on February 21 [3 favorites]

Discuss it with her (ask for consent, or ask her if she has any ideas!) but maybe try putting something edible/harmless but bitter-tasting on her fingers and this will act as a signal to stop- this is how I trained myself out of a similar habit as a young child. Since the issue was not being conscious I was doing it.

+1 for a substitute behavior, not sure what that would entail though. Click fingers? Clapping or tapping?
posted by Coaticass at 8:27 PM on February 21 [2 favorites]

Your daughter’s dentist may have some recommendations to stop finger / thumb sucking.

In the meantime I would also suggest letting your kid pick out her special soap, hand cream, and chapstick. I would pay attention for any preferences regarding texture or scent.

Consider having a spa day with your daughter (and some others). Even better if you have a slightly older role model who can help reinforce the concept that “spa days are fun. Self care is important.”

I think it’s worth getting your daughter’s input on what she thinks would help.
posted by oceano at 9:05 PM on February 21

Best answer: I'm so, so happy to see this question. After a literal fifteen years of lurking on Metafilter, I threw in my fiver because I can help you solve this. My child had the exact same behavior, on the exact same two fingers, from zero up until the age of five. It was massively frustrating. It's cute until it isn't. We tried reminders, positive reinforcement, cognitive coaching, discussions, nagging. We asked the kid what they thought would help; we tried special toys and blankets; we worked our way through the root causes.

My kid's dentist gave me a solution that worked instantly. It's called Mavala; $12 on Amazon. It's a nail polish with an extremely bitter taste made for nail-biters. It tastes very, very unpleasant. You only need to apply it once on the fingers in question to break the habit permanently. The brain and body remembers: you don't want that taste in your mouth again.

My child stopped putting any fingers in their mouth instantly after five years. It was magical. I ask about it now and I'm told "I don't put my fingers in my mouth because it tastes so bad."

If only all parenting challenges were so easy to fix!

Good luck!
posted by a neat little robot at 10:17 PM on February 21 [43 favorites]

Best answer: I totally get how this behavior could be maddening for a parent, especially during this endless global pandemic, but I'd still ask you to try really hard not to shame your kid. She's probably quite ashamed of herself already.

Finger-sucking is an addictive behavior, and it's really hard to give up an addiction when you're just a kid with hardly any impulse control. You can have the best intentions, then somebody slugs you at school or you have a scary dream or whatever and boom, you're back on your thumb bullshit. I remember being six or so and hating myself, wondering why I couldn't give up this thing that I didn't even really enjoy doing anymore. I was like a junkie, for my goddamn thumb.

I think it's a good idea to offer her a reward if she can stop doing it for a few months, especially if that reward is some "big girl" thing she really wants to do. That way, instead of this just feeling like she's leaving a childhood comfort behind, maybe it will feel more like she's leveling up. Or maybe you could offer a small daily reward. Like, if she didn't suck her fingers all day today, she gets to stay up an extra half hour tonight. I'd also suggest trying to explore whatever may be making her anxious enough that she keeps seeking comfort like this. If there's some bigger issue you can fix, maybe the finger sucking will go away by itself.

It's OK (and necessary) to tell her about germs and throwing off her bite and other bad things that come with sucking on her fingers, but please try to make it clear to her that while this behavior needs to stop, she's not a bad person for struggling with it. If you can share any kid-friendly stories about a bad habit you kicked, that might help a lot. She probably feels really alone in this, and it's not like she can go join a 12-step program at Thumbsuckers Anonymous!
posted by Ursula Hitler at 10:22 PM on February 21 [3 favorites]

Very briefly: Shaming her will increase the behavior and telling her she should stop because of germs or whatever is unfair. She does not know what she's doing, and she lacks the brain structure that allows adults to control unwanted behavior (also, even adults are horrible at this).

My niece (6) did something very similar and was eventually given a therapeutic pacifier by a speech therapist. Essentially, niece just developmentally still needed to suck on something. That's a thing in child development. She used the pacifier 40 minutes a day or so, mornings and nights. The problem went away within a few weeks. Kid is definitely less anxious now and no longer needs the pacifier.

So, please get professional help ASAP. Meanwhile, let her suck on something safe. If she has comforting objects like a special stuffed animal, let her carry those around and indulge in calming herself. And most importantly: to reduce anxiety, reduce shame. Tell her there are millions of kids her age, right now, sucking on their fingers or thumbs. Tell yourself this, too. It's what thumbs are for!

Also, mention situations you yourself struggled with a habit you couldn't break. Not neat success stories, but real struggle. Normalize this. Your daughter has no frame of reference. In her mind, she's the only person in the world unable to "be a big girl". She's probably getting taunts at school, too. Try to talk through you frustration with other adults, but treat your daughter with the sort of acceptance you'd show for a baby. She is still extremely young. You don't want to prevent colds at the cost of damaging her self esteem.
posted by toucan at 12:11 AM on February 22 [11 favorites]

Little eirias sucked her thumb for a long time and also had other oral behaviors like chewing on shirts and pencils. It was an emotional thing, I think, a stim that helped her cope with anxiety and boredom. Being shamed for it by every adult around her who wasn’t me sure didn’t help. Don’t ignore the emotional side of this.

It also went away entirely when masking started, because there was a barrier in the way and it was no longer a convenient stim. Sending your kid to school in a mask would probably actually have a better effect on your respiratory viral soup than solving the licking issue will, but it would probably also solve the licking issue.
posted by eirias at 12:46 AM on February 22 [6 favorites]

In addition to the OT suggestion, it may be worth bringing her to a pediatric neurologist or neuropsychologist, specifically to ask about things like OCD and Tourette's. Many school-aged kids have compulsive tendencies/magical thinking ("Step on a crack, break your mother's back" is a very benign version of this), and in some portion of kids it manifests in socially unacceptable ways like licking your hands before touching things. She may be getting teased or punished for this at school, too, which leads to denials, which leads to more punishment.... bad cycle.

A good neuropsychologist will be able to assess more neutrally, without the understandable frustration you as her parent feel. At least in my area, peds neuro and neuropsych are thin on the ground, so if the problem is solved by some other means before your appointment, you can always cancel. (But please do actually cancel with enough time to give some other family a chance to take the spot!)
posted by basalganglia at 4:11 AM on February 22 [3 favorites]

I bet she'd really like a clicky pen, they make all kinds of really cute ones these days. There are also pens with chewable ends, that could work along with the jewelry stuff. Really, there's never been a better time to shop for fidget toys. Involving her in selection may help too.

Rewarding abstention is ok in theory, but start with something achievable like 30 min or 3 hours.

This is indeed problematic. Others have mentioned the bite issue and I will reinforce that you are correct, this is really skewing your family disease transmission to the high end. Of course she/you will still get sick, but there's a reason hand washing and avoiding touching the face are the first things they teach, and it's frankly ridiculous to assert that incessant hands in mouth does not affect transmission of pathogens.
posted by SaltySalticid at 5:47 AM on February 22 [3 favorites]

Just want to second a neat little robot's comment. My daughter sucked her thumb to self-soothe. We didn't think much about it until our pediatrician pointed out how it was reshaping her palate and bite. She made a good effort and mostly stopped herself during the day, but she would do it while sleeping.

The doctor pointed us to a similar bitter tasting substance we could apply to her thumb. It worked surprisingly quickly for us as well, without any regression. Unfortunately it was 10 years ago, so I don't remember exactly what it was, but the approach might be worth pursuing.
posted by uberfunk at 8:01 AM on February 22 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I'm pretty sure an OT will do a preliminary pediatric neuro assessment and refer if they find anything, so I would start with the OT, since that's probably something you can get a referral to from pediatrician and/or school. They or the school might also refer to a speech pathologist if there's already some dental/oral damage done that needs additional assessment.

This is just one of those big critical developmental things that - not to stress you out about the stakes but... - will fuck a kid up in a long-term way (both physically and emotionally in this case) if mis-handled. Learning how to manage anxiety in healthy and appropriate non-self-harming ways is something that really ought to be taught, not intuited, because most kids can't just magically figure it out without education and coaching, and parents can wing it okay (parents also deserve education and coaching on this stuff, but don't often get it) but body stuff has a lot of fraught to it, especially when it's legitimately germy body stuff.

Also, sometimes this direction just needs to come from an Outside Authority. There are times when the parental voice is just inaudible.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:09 AM on February 22 [1 favorite]

I sucked my thumb as a kid and have a very distinct memory of being about 4 years old and overhearing my mom tell someone that I would need braces if I kept doing it. I have no idea why the idea of braces was so frightening to my 4-year-old self but I must've stopped shortly after that because I know I wasn't doing it by kindergarten.

Have you tried having her wear gloves around the house (like those cheap-o magic gloves that are thin and stretchy)? I wonder if a barrier between her mouth and her fingers might help her stop, or at least realize she's doing it, since it sounds like she's not aware of doing it.
posted by jabes at 8:33 AM on February 22 [1 favorite]

Just wanted to add the suggestion to get an OT evaluation. My son (close to 6) has similar oral issues only he chews his shirts and sucks his fingers. He had an OT evaluation from a great OT evaluator who has seen it all (she is over 70 and has been doing it for decades). She essentially said he is seeking sensory input and the oral input he is doing is not efficient but he keeps on trying it anyway because it is the only strategy he has. His OT therapy is to integrate his sensory needs. I think they do some strange exercises which helps his body figure out how to ground itself. OT is not just about fine motor skills and handwriting. It really helps find the cause of these behaviors.
posted by ichimunki at 10:15 AM on February 22 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: I wanted to sincerely thank everyone who posted a response. It's continued to cause us a lot of stress, and I continue to handle it poorly. But my spouse and I are going to sit down and figure out a concrete plan, using some mixture of all of the things you have mentioned. Thank you so so much.
posted by AbelMelveny at 3:40 PM on March 20