How to deal with sibling who manipulates constant contact?
February 20, 2024 7:29 AM Subscribe
We are not close and have a 10 year age gap (me F50, her F60). She does have some OCD issues and I have done my best to accommodate that, as kindly as possible. She has history with creating drama and several other family members have indulged this over the years. I think this is harmful for me, explanation inside.
Now we are the only remaining members left, with one aunt who lives at a distance.
We have nothing in common but have always got along ok. She had a very tempestuous (co dependent) relationship with our mother, and after losing our father 13 years ago she took over the running of our mother's life, down to her finances and who she saw, etc. I found this very painful to witness but had to accept that my mother went along with it. Everything was monitored, controlled and very upsetting, to the point where I had to back off somewhat to look after my own mental health. Eventually my mother went into care and I was not given any info as to where or how to contact her, as my sister had replaced all the phones with new numbers. I eventually located her yet any attempt to visit became a scene - my sister would demand that my mother rang her to alert her if she had a visitor, and so she did. My sister would then arrive at the care home and start screaming and shouting. After some time I retreated once again. I sought counselling and advice from social services (we are in the UK) but had no option but to create some distance.
My mother passed eventually during the first lockdown. By this point I had not had contact with my sister for years and had managed to rebuild my life and partially heal. I had kept contact with my mother through cards and letters, which my aunt told me my sister often intercepted and removed. It may be useful at this point to mention that I had never experienced issues with my sister previously, so this behaviour was extremely shocking and unprecedented.
During 2021 my sister managed to locate me via a very old email address to tell me that mum had left a small cash inheritance for us (the property had been sold years ago and the proceeds divided equally between us). We were obviously still grieving and I thought this was a decent gesture. Disregarding the past, but still rather wary, I allowed her to renew contact with me slowly. She never referred to or mentioned the past behaviours. As time moved along we chatted a few times per month on the phone, and she began to email me regularly, just everyday chat such as 'how are you today?' or 'Husband has a cold, poor thing', etc, etc.
It struck me as odd after a year or so that she had never again mentioned the inheritance. I brought it up one evening and she made light of the matter, saying of course she would drop it into my account soon. I asked whether we needed a solicitor and she said it would be more economical to divide it ourselves, as the cash was now in her own account - the cashier at my mum's bank had advised her to deposit it all into her own account shortly after my mum's death. I have no idea if this is true.
My partner brought it up on several occasions, asking me why I hadn't received it, his opinion being that I ought to be careful considering what happened in the past. My sister had tried very hard to block me from access to our parent's home back then, and had hidden the will. When the house was sold in 2018 a solicitor dealt with it, so thankfully I never had to endure any scenes or trouble. My partner's fear was that she was grooming me somehow, withholding the cash inheritance as a way to keep me on a leash.
Fast forward to the past year: my sister changed her behaviour towards me from casual friendliness to expecting me to do a lot of heavy work for her, feigning innocence and incapability (of which she suffers neither!). I filled in several job applications for her, wrote her CV, and gave advice over the phone, often totalling 5 hours per day with the damn thing pressed to my ear. She talks and doesn't listen, so it is extremely stressful for the recipient.
Then the drama evolved, each week a new trauma, she told me her dog had cancer and I only found out six weeks later that it was a white lie. Her excuse was she had forgotten to tell me the biopsy was fine. She reported a phone scam that had emptied her bank account (the one which held my inheritance) which again tuned out to have so many pot holes in the story that we eventually accepted as another lie. And on and on. I began to back off again, and asked her to please send the money to my bank as it had been years since our mother passed. She did this quite suddenly, and afterwards her behaviour grew more erratic. She began to text me through the night, several emails per day, worrying about her dog, her husband, obsessing over illness (no one is ever ill) and often showing anger if I had a friend round and wasn't free that evening to chat or email.
I have been slowly extricating myself from this mess, as gently as possible, and followed online advice to not react. I have been firm, kind and careful, and can't see what else to do at this point. The emails are not enough now, she wants access to my time from dawn to dusk. The messages are nondescript and pointless, and she has very little to say to me, never asks how I am, or has anything of substance to share. I asked her to only email as I need my phone for work related contact, but now she says her email won't work. I do believe that this is another tactic to control my phone and my time - over the past year she has told me that her gmail stops working every few weeks, her explanation is a pop up telling her 'too many compositions' or something similar. I did once look at her device and whilst there were a few opened messages, it did not affect her receiving or sending.
The last straw was my birthday last week, she uncharacteristically turned up at our home with an excess of small gifts and money. 2 hours later a stream of texts telling me her email didn't work anymore so she would only text from now on. I do honestly believe this was planned to snare me, as I could hardly ignore them! She knows I am uncomfortable texting all day every day, there is no need for this level of contact between two people who are not remotely close. Every time I touch my phone to call work or listen music, I am inundated by texts from her, just listing diseases she thinks she has, asking me am I ok, etc etc. If I don't respond within 5 hours she texts my husband and puts him on the spot. During my birthday meal with my partner, my phone was buzzing every 3 minutes asking what I was eating, were the trains on time, was I ok?. It really fractured our time together and made me so on edge.
I'm so heartily fed up of this. It feels like a complete and intentional erasure of my boundaries. I do feel that her issues have been transferred to me (in her mind, as I have not enabled her to my knowledge) now that there are no other family members to do it to. My aunt rarely speaks but has told me she is aware of it and that it is unacceptable. I have to move away from our home town soon, for good reasons that will enhance my life, and according to my aunt she has been calling her constantly trying to come up with ideas to make me stay. Is there a way I can manage this, or is it time to end contact? It is apparent that I am being manipulated, from the inheritance to the texts, and I am quite done with giving her the benefit of the doubt after so many lies. I feel like an object to her, not a human being.
Prior to our father passing my family were ok, I had occasional contact with my sister at xmas and events, but we hardly knew each other really. Her actions after his passing were a shock to me, and her take over of my mother's affairs felt to inexplicable and brutal. I am obviously still very traumatised from that, and perhaps should never have allowed her back into my life at all, but any advice here would be appreciated. I have tried, over the years, to advise therapy, she is not interested at all and changes such subjects quickly.
To avoid thread sitting, a few details: No, she does not accept there is an issue with her actions and generally lies to mask them. She does not have boundaries. Aunt feels sorry for her and reinforces this. Had been reported to social services several times by family GP for her shouting in the surgery practice. Believes she is the victim and never the aggressor, the world is against her, etc. Whenever she notices that I am fed up with it, she buys me teddy bears and other gifts. They are slowly forming a mountain in my spare room:(
Our parents did not favour one or the other of us, she had a privileged upbringing, like my own, and was neither indulged nor neglected. I have previously tried to analyse it all but it falls flat.
Now we are the only remaining members left, with one aunt who lives at a distance.
We have nothing in common but have always got along ok. She had a very tempestuous (co dependent) relationship with our mother, and after losing our father 13 years ago she took over the running of our mother's life, down to her finances and who she saw, etc. I found this very painful to witness but had to accept that my mother went along with it. Everything was monitored, controlled and very upsetting, to the point where I had to back off somewhat to look after my own mental health. Eventually my mother went into care and I was not given any info as to where or how to contact her, as my sister had replaced all the phones with new numbers. I eventually located her yet any attempt to visit became a scene - my sister would demand that my mother rang her to alert her if she had a visitor, and so she did. My sister would then arrive at the care home and start screaming and shouting. After some time I retreated once again. I sought counselling and advice from social services (we are in the UK) but had no option but to create some distance.
My mother passed eventually during the first lockdown. By this point I had not had contact with my sister for years and had managed to rebuild my life and partially heal. I had kept contact with my mother through cards and letters, which my aunt told me my sister often intercepted and removed. It may be useful at this point to mention that I had never experienced issues with my sister previously, so this behaviour was extremely shocking and unprecedented.
During 2021 my sister managed to locate me via a very old email address to tell me that mum had left a small cash inheritance for us (the property had been sold years ago and the proceeds divided equally between us). We were obviously still grieving and I thought this was a decent gesture. Disregarding the past, but still rather wary, I allowed her to renew contact with me slowly. She never referred to or mentioned the past behaviours. As time moved along we chatted a few times per month on the phone, and she began to email me regularly, just everyday chat such as 'how are you today?' or 'Husband has a cold, poor thing', etc, etc.
It struck me as odd after a year or so that she had never again mentioned the inheritance. I brought it up one evening and she made light of the matter, saying of course she would drop it into my account soon. I asked whether we needed a solicitor and she said it would be more economical to divide it ourselves, as the cash was now in her own account - the cashier at my mum's bank had advised her to deposit it all into her own account shortly after my mum's death. I have no idea if this is true.
My partner brought it up on several occasions, asking me why I hadn't received it, his opinion being that I ought to be careful considering what happened in the past. My sister had tried very hard to block me from access to our parent's home back then, and had hidden the will. When the house was sold in 2018 a solicitor dealt with it, so thankfully I never had to endure any scenes or trouble. My partner's fear was that she was grooming me somehow, withholding the cash inheritance as a way to keep me on a leash.
Fast forward to the past year: my sister changed her behaviour towards me from casual friendliness to expecting me to do a lot of heavy work for her, feigning innocence and incapability (of which she suffers neither!). I filled in several job applications for her, wrote her CV, and gave advice over the phone, often totalling 5 hours per day with the damn thing pressed to my ear. She talks and doesn't listen, so it is extremely stressful for the recipient.
Then the drama evolved, each week a new trauma, she told me her dog had cancer and I only found out six weeks later that it was a white lie. Her excuse was she had forgotten to tell me the biopsy was fine. She reported a phone scam that had emptied her bank account (the one which held my inheritance) which again tuned out to have so many pot holes in the story that we eventually accepted as another lie. And on and on. I began to back off again, and asked her to please send the money to my bank as it had been years since our mother passed. She did this quite suddenly, and afterwards her behaviour grew more erratic. She began to text me through the night, several emails per day, worrying about her dog, her husband, obsessing over illness (no one is ever ill) and often showing anger if I had a friend round and wasn't free that evening to chat or email.
I have been slowly extricating myself from this mess, as gently as possible, and followed online advice to not react. I have been firm, kind and careful, and can't see what else to do at this point. The emails are not enough now, she wants access to my time from dawn to dusk. The messages are nondescript and pointless, and she has very little to say to me, never asks how I am, or has anything of substance to share. I asked her to only email as I need my phone for work related contact, but now she says her email won't work. I do believe that this is another tactic to control my phone and my time - over the past year she has told me that her gmail stops working every few weeks, her explanation is a pop up telling her 'too many compositions' or something similar. I did once look at her device and whilst there were a few opened messages, it did not affect her receiving or sending.
The last straw was my birthday last week, she uncharacteristically turned up at our home with an excess of small gifts and money. 2 hours later a stream of texts telling me her email didn't work anymore so she would only text from now on. I do honestly believe this was planned to snare me, as I could hardly ignore them! She knows I am uncomfortable texting all day every day, there is no need for this level of contact between two people who are not remotely close. Every time I touch my phone to call work or listen music, I am inundated by texts from her, just listing diseases she thinks she has, asking me am I ok, etc etc. If I don't respond within 5 hours she texts my husband and puts him on the spot. During my birthday meal with my partner, my phone was buzzing every 3 minutes asking what I was eating, were the trains on time, was I ok?. It really fractured our time together and made me so on edge.
I'm so heartily fed up of this. It feels like a complete and intentional erasure of my boundaries. I do feel that her issues have been transferred to me (in her mind, as I have not enabled her to my knowledge) now that there are no other family members to do it to. My aunt rarely speaks but has told me she is aware of it and that it is unacceptable. I have to move away from our home town soon, for good reasons that will enhance my life, and according to my aunt she has been calling her constantly trying to come up with ideas to make me stay. Is there a way I can manage this, or is it time to end contact? It is apparent that I am being manipulated, from the inheritance to the texts, and I am quite done with giving her the benefit of the doubt after so many lies. I feel like an object to her, not a human being.
Prior to our father passing my family were ok, I had occasional contact with my sister at xmas and events, but we hardly knew each other really. Her actions after his passing were a shock to me, and her take over of my mother's affairs felt to inexplicable and brutal. I am obviously still very traumatised from that, and perhaps should never have allowed her back into my life at all, but any advice here would be appreciated. I have tried, over the years, to advise therapy, she is not interested at all and changes such subjects quickly.
To avoid thread sitting, a few details: No, she does not accept there is an issue with her actions and generally lies to mask them. She does not have boundaries. Aunt feels sorry for her and reinforces this. Had been reported to social services several times by family GP for her shouting in the surgery practice. Believes she is the victim and never the aggressor, the world is against her, etc. Whenever she notices that I am fed up with it, she buys me teddy bears and other gifts. They are slowly forming a mountain in my spare room:(
Our parents did not favour one or the other of us, she had a privileged upbringing, like my own, and was neither indulged nor neglected. I have previously tried to analyse it all but it falls flat.
Have a lawyer send a letter requesting the inheritance. Drama will ensue, but maybe cash as well. Read Stop Walking on Eggshells, about dealing with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder, also useful for dealing with anyone who has poor boundaries, is manipulative, highly dramatic, etc. I have a similar situation with my sister, and I don't allow her to be rude or difficult. I answer my phone if it's convenient, answer texts if they're not frequent, annoying, and only at my convenience. My sister once sent an extremely dramatic text asking for support. I rushed to call her; turns out the guy at the store was snotty to her. I haven't spoken to her in nearly a year because we spoke on my birthday and she was bitchy, then hung up when I stood up to it, calmly. okay.
Let her spin stories, but put little faith in anything she says. Give the gifts to a charity shop. Tell her you don't need or want stuffed animals. Your sister is horribly needy, it pulls at your sympathy, but you do not have the ability to satisfy her needs. It's possible for her to learn to regulate her emotions, up to a point, but she is unlikely to accept that she should do that. My sister seems to have lied to other siblings about me, so that affects my relationships with them, but I don't have the energy to deal with her, so I don't. I wish I had the energy she puts into manipulation. Your partner should tell her not to drag him into things.
Establishing boundaries takes effort but is well worth it. I'm sorry she didn't let you see your Mom.
posted by theora55 at 7:59 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]
Let her spin stories, but put little faith in anything she says. Give the gifts to a charity shop. Tell her you don't need or want stuffed animals. Your sister is horribly needy, it pulls at your sympathy, but you do not have the ability to satisfy her needs. It's possible for her to learn to regulate her emotions, up to a point, but she is unlikely to accept that she should do that. My sister seems to have lied to other siblings about me, so that affects my relationships with them, but I don't have the energy to deal with her, so I don't. I wish I had the energy she puts into manipulation. Your partner should tell her not to drag him into things.
Establishing boundaries takes effort but is well worth it. I'm sorry she didn't let you see your Mom.
posted by theora55 at 7:59 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]
There is no way to manage this behaviour from another person. To me it sounds like way past time to end contact. I know this will be very hard for you but please cut contact, block her and stay strong no matter how much more erratic her behaviour becomes (she will escalate as a manipulation tactic). Regardless of her mental health issues, it is not okay for her to treat you this way. I'm really sorry you've been dealing with this.
posted by guessthis at 8:01 AM on February 20 [6 favorites]
posted by guessthis at 8:01 AM on February 20 [6 favorites]
I began to back off again, and asked her to please send the money to my bank as it had been years since our mother passed. She did this quite suddenly, and afterwards her behaviour grew more erratic.
So the inheritance issue is done and dusted?
If she no longer has financial leverage over you, and you'd rather not have her texting you, I'm wondering why you don't simply block her number.
Oh, and when her email mysteriously starts working again, you can block that too if you want.
posted by flabdablet at 8:10 AM on February 20 [14 favorites]
So the inheritance issue is done and dusted?
If she no longer has financial leverage over you, and you'd rather not have her texting you, I'm wondering why you don't simply block her number.
Oh, and when her email mysteriously starts working again, you can block that too if you want.
posted by flabdablet at 8:10 AM on February 20 [14 favorites]
Best answer: You talk a lot about your sisters' issues, and she sounds like a piece of work. The only thing you can do is look at how you cooperate and encourage her behavior.
Boundaries need to be enforced. Block your sister. Have you partner block her. Tell your aunt not to talk to you about her. Stop being continually surprised and confused by her behavior. Stop acting as if you have no agency in this--you don't have to participate in any of her antics. (Why are you keeping a pile of stuffed animals from someone who has treated you so badly? Get rid of them! Why would you let all her texts interrupt your dinner? Turn your phone off!)
Be happy you got your money. That was the only reason to stay in contact with her. You don't seem to like her, you are not close to her, what is the problem with blocking her? (If she cannot send email, that is her problem, not yours.)
Did I mention blocking her?
posted by rhonzo at 8:11 AM on February 20 [20 favorites]
Boundaries need to be enforced. Block your sister. Have you partner block her. Tell your aunt not to talk to you about her. Stop being continually surprised and confused by her behavior. Stop acting as if you have no agency in this--you don't have to participate in any of her antics. (Why are you keeping a pile of stuffed animals from someone who has treated you so badly? Get rid of them! Why would you let all her texts interrupt your dinner? Turn your phone off!)
Be happy you got your money. That was the only reason to stay in contact with her. You don't seem to like her, you are not close to her, what is the problem with blocking her? (If she cannot send email, that is her problem, not yours.)
Did I mention blocking her?
posted by rhonzo at 8:11 AM on February 20 [20 favorites]
Even if you don't want to block her, your phone should be able to mute notifications for her texts/emails so they don't interrupt your day.
posted by BungaDunga at 8:20 AM on February 20 [7 favorites]
posted by BungaDunga at 8:20 AM on February 20 [7 favorites]
You are in no position to deal with what seems to be a whole suite of issues that your sister exhibits--you can't fix her. Likewise, neither can readers of the Green.
You may be able to block your sister's text messages or block calls from here. If you wish to move, do so. You may not be able to keep her from knowing your new address--it's likely that your aunt will be able to resist telling her. If she decides to bombard you with phone calls, you might consider changing your phone number. If she visits you after you've told her to desist, you might consider asking a judge to issue a restraining order.
You may engage a lawyer (who specializes in laws regarding inheritance) to determine the status and amount of your inheritance and take legal action to recover your share. You may also consider just abandoning your share of the inheritance if you believe she's using it to control you. You lose the money but save on personal wear and tear.
I infer from your post that you would be comfortable not having any contact with her. If that's not the case, you might consider joint counseling sessions with her. I don't believe that a moral victory is possible here. Regardless of whr you do, nobody wins. The best outcome is that you escape having to be under her thumb, and can successfully recover your own life, free from her bizarre behavior.
I can barely imagine what a soul-draining experience this. Please accept my sympathy.
Good luck.
posted by mule98J at 8:21 AM on February 20
You may be able to block your sister's text messages or block calls from here. If you wish to move, do so. You may not be able to keep her from knowing your new address--it's likely that your aunt will be able to resist telling her. If she decides to bombard you with phone calls, you might consider changing your phone number. If she visits you after you've told her to desist, you might consider asking a judge to issue a restraining order.
You may engage a lawyer (who specializes in laws regarding inheritance) to determine the status and amount of your inheritance and take legal action to recover your share. You may also consider just abandoning your share of the inheritance if you believe she's using it to control you. You lose the money but save on personal wear and tear.
I infer from your post that you would be comfortable not having any contact with her. If that's not the case, you might consider joint counseling sessions with her. I don't believe that a moral victory is possible here. Regardless of whr you do, nobody wins. The best outcome is that you escape having to be under her thumb, and can successfully recover your own life, free from her bizarre behavior.
I can barely imagine what a soul-draining experience this. Please accept my sympathy.
Good luck.
posted by mule98J at 8:21 AM on February 20
Sometimes people in your situation need a really frustrating, obvious and highly precipitating moment to take action.
I think with your birthday being ‘the last straw’ you can frame your blocking of your sister as ‘I have been patient with you for years, even when you took time with my mother from me, kept my money from me for many years, and told me lie after lie. I’ve made excuses and I have indulged your need for my attention, even as you have no interest in me at all. Your behaviour on my birthday last week has made me so angry that I am finally done with being in communication with you. It’s exhausting and annoying to deal with your way of being with me, Please respect that I will not respond to any, I mean any, communication.’
Then don’t. No matter what.
posted by honey-barbara at 8:23 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]
I think with your birthday being ‘the last straw’ you can frame your blocking of your sister as ‘I have been patient with you for years, even when you took time with my mother from me, kept my money from me for many years, and told me lie after lie. I’ve made excuses and I have indulged your need for my attention, even as you have no interest in me at all. Your behaviour on my birthday last week has made me so angry that I am finally done with being in communication with you. It’s exhausting and annoying to deal with your way of being with me, Please respect that I will not respond to any, I mean any, communication.’
Then don’t. No matter what.
posted by honey-barbara at 8:23 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]
she uncharacteristically turned up at our home
I have to move away from our home town soon
If you haven't told her any details about this move, don't. Or probably any other details about your life.
It sounds like she has serious psychological issues and is probably also very lonely, but it also sounds like you can't fix any of those things for her, and will not make things better by trying. So yeah, hard as it is, it sounds like disconnecting either totally or near-totally is probably the way you'll need to go.
One thing to consider with your aunt - who you say reinforces her lack of boundaries - is that your sister might try to latch on to your aunt next, with a danger that she might try taking control the way she did with your mother. That might be something to think about in advance with your aunt and any cousins, possibly to the extent of getting legal advice in case of future scenarios.
posted by trig at 8:24 AM on February 20 [5 favorites]
I have to move away from our home town soon
If you haven't told her any details about this move, don't. Or probably any other details about your life.
It sounds like she has serious psychological issues and is probably also very lonely, but it also sounds like you can't fix any of those things for her, and will not make things better by trying. So yeah, hard as it is, it sounds like disconnecting either totally or near-totally is probably the way you'll need to go.
One thing to consider with your aunt - who you say reinforces her lack of boundaries - is that your sister might try to latch on to your aunt next, with a danger that she might try taking control the way she did with your mother. That might be something to think about in advance with your aunt and any cousins, possibly to the extent of getting legal advice in case of future scenarios.
posted by trig at 8:24 AM on February 20 [5 favorites]
Wait, wait, did you say:
> I began to back off again, and asked her to please send the money to my bank as it had been years since our mother passed. She did this quite suddenly
So she did give you your share of the inheritance money, at least according to her accounting of it? I understand that you have doubts about whether she's lying as to your actual share but it is important that SHE GAVE YOU THE MONEY FROM YOUR INHERITANCE (or at least some portion thereof). It is so easy to miss this detail in your post!! I wanted to highlight it because others may have missed it entirely.
So, regarding the rest of your post, I felt having this thought over and over:
*Your sister does not have any power over you. Do you realize this?*
You seem to be acting as if you are under your sister's thumb. You're behaving as if you are being controlled by her. But how is she controlling you? Have you ever sat down and tried to articulate this?
You use the word "grooming" which is a word used to describe an intimate abuser who elicits compliance from their victim. But in order for your sister to abuse you, she must have power over you. That's the definition of abuse. But your sister has no power over you. You are a fully independent adult, you don't live under the same roof. At 50 years old it has been many decades since you have lived under the same roof as your sister, long enough to break any hold she had over you as a child. Your sister has no control over your finances or your job or your food choices or your legal decisions or where you bank your money or even your ability to hang up a phone.
And, as you describe it, your sister is not terrorizing you, nor is she coercing you in any way. She isn't blackmailing you. She isn't threatening you, implicitly or explicitly. You have not described any way in which she is exerting power over you. Nevertheless you FEEL as if she is abusing you and she is controlling you. When she asks you for help you FEEL as if she is forcing you to help her. When she tells you her struggles for hours on end you FEEL as if she is forcing you to listen. Even when you know she is probably lying to you about exactly how much your share of the inheritance should be, you FEEL as if she is forcing you to take her word against your better judgment. Even when you know you need to contact a lawyer to dig into the particulars of the will and the sale of the house, you FEEL as if she is forcing you not to contact that lawyer.
Why might that be? Why might you be feeling so controlled by someone who has no control over you?
You are in the prime of your life. Now is the time when you have the most power as an autonomous adult over the course of your lifetime. And yet you feel as if you are totally at the mercy of your sister and she has godlike power over you to control your choices. This is something to be curious about, it is something you need to dig into. Without judgment, without self-reproach, without shame or anguish or anxiety, you need to be asking: Why do you feel like this? How can you stop feeling like this?
I strongly suggest you seek help from a therapist so you can start feeling as powerful and as independent as you actually are.
posted by MiraK at 9:02 AM on February 20 [29 favorites]
> I began to back off again, and asked her to please send the money to my bank as it had been years since our mother passed. She did this quite suddenly
So she did give you your share of the inheritance money, at least according to her accounting of it? I understand that you have doubts about whether she's lying as to your actual share but it is important that SHE GAVE YOU THE MONEY FROM YOUR INHERITANCE (or at least some portion thereof). It is so easy to miss this detail in your post!! I wanted to highlight it because others may have missed it entirely.
So, regarding the rest of your post, I felt having this thought over and over:
*Your sister does not have any power over you. Do you realize this?*
You seem to be acting as if you are under your sister's thumb. You're behaving as if you are being controlled by her. But how is she controlling you? Have you ever sat down and tried to articulate this?
You use the word "grooming" which is a word used to describe an intimate abuser who elicits compliance from their victim. But in order for your sister to abuse you, she must have power over you. That's the definition of abuse. But your sister has no power over you. You are a fully independent adult, you don't live under the same roof. At 50 years old it has been many decades since you have lived under the same roof as your sister, long enough to break any hold she had over you as a child. Your sister has no control over your finances or your job or your food choices or your legal decisions or where you bank your money or even your ability to hang up a phone.
And, as you describe it, your sister is not terrorizing you, nor is she coercing you in any way. She isn't blackmailing you. She isn't threatening you, implicitly or explicitly. You have not described any way in which she is exerting power over you. Nevertheless you FEEL as if she is abusing you and she is controlling you. When she asks you for help you FEEL as if she is forcing you to help her. When she tells you her struggles for hours on end you FEEL as if she is forcing you to listen. Even when you know she is probably lying to you about exactly how much your share of the inheritance should be, you FEEL as if she is forcing you to take her word against your better judgment. Even when you know you need to contact a lawyer to dig into the particulars of the will and the sale of the house, you FEEL as if she is forcing you not to contact that lawyer.
Why might that be? Why might you be feeling so controlled by someone who has no control over you?
You are in the prime of your life. Now is the time when you have the most power as an autonomous adult over the course of your lifetime. And yet you feel as if you are totally at the mercy of your sister and she has godlike power over you to control your choices. This is something to be curious about, it is something you need to dig into. Without judgment, without self-reproach, without shame or anguish or anxiety, you need to be asking: Why do you feel like this? How can you stop feeling like this?
I strongly suggest you seek help from a therapist so you can start feeling as powerful and as independent as you actually are.
posted by MiraK at 9:02 AM on February 20 [29 favorites]
hmm, really good to read mirak’s response.. i think a lot of us are inclined to not see so clearly in our own lives how we can step into our own power. it’s kinda hard to see, especially when it’s a family system that has worn us down and sort of ensnared us since the beginning. The work of differentiating is tricky, and much compounded by totally reasonable grief or fear of loss - perhaps - because it is sad to have family that you can’t have in your life. sometimes it takes a long time to sort out the pros and cons, sometimes it simply can not easily be sorted. anyway, wanted to share something short that really struck me that i overheard recently: “losing a friendship/relationship to mental illness is like a death without a body” ..i assumed that they were referring to the others mental illness, but they could just as well have been referring to their own i suppose. i thought, wow, that is so well put. it’s really sad, and really confusing, and not a desirable outcome. it’s very hard to separate people’s actions from their illness. and if they have an illness that they are unable to seek treatment for, then there is inevitably a lot of fall out. i hope you won’t have to keep bearing the brunt of it. you can’t reason or engage with the kind of anxiety (ne paranoia?) etc it sounds like your sister has. to do so is to risk reifying it. tl;dr: sending strength
posted by elgee at 9:19 AM on February 20
posted by elgee at 9:19 AM on February 20
I agree that this is harmful for you, and the good news is that you are in the driver's seat here. You'd certainly have more than enough reason to cease contact with her entirely if that's what you wanted. You're moving away! Head out and think about being cautious about who you give your forwarding address and specifics about any new job to (I would probably not give it to your aunt, since she is already being harassed about this). Block her number. Don't just mute; you don't want a phone full of distressing texts, period. I suspect she might magically get her email fixed if she can't reach you by text or phone or turn up at your doorstep, and you can always create rules within your email client to direct her incoming messages to trash/specific folders if that ends up becoming necessary.
At 60, she's unlikely to get better but likely to become worse. You describe the years of your initial estrangement as a period in which you were able to 'rebuild your life and heal.' You have a chance to get back to that again and I think you should take it, with the support of a good therapist if possible.
posted by wormtales at 9:26 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]
At 60, she's unlikely to get better but likely to become worse. You describe the years of your initial estrangement as a period in which you were able to 'rebuild your life and heal.' You have a chance to get back to that again and I think you should take it, with the support of a good therapist if possible.
posted by wormtales at 9:26 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]
...she buys me teddy bears and other gifts. They are slowly forming a mountain in my spare room:(
Ha! Maybe she's using them as a placeholder. She thinks she'll eventually move in and occupy the space where they were...
Is there a way I can manage this,
Probably not without enormous effort and then very imperfectly to not at all, as you've been learning for years, now. Do you want to continue to expend that effort? You really do not seem to. It's understandable you're reluctant to cut her off. The situation is really weird: she's your sister; your parents are gone; you probably feel bad about the impending loss. The fact is, though, you've already lost her. Her appalling behavior has created a rift no mountain of teddies can fill.
or is it time to end contact?
It is long past time to end contact. Relocate the mountain of teddy bears and other flotsam to a charity shop, block her number on your phone and your partner's phone, let your aunt know you're done discussing it, and forge ahead creating the new sister-free lifestyle you deserve.
posted by Don Pepino at 9:31 AM on February 20 [2 favorites]
Ha! Maybe she's using them as a placeholder. She thinks she'll eventually move in and occupy the space where they were...
Is there a way I can manage this,
Probably not without enormous effort and then very imperfectly to not at all, as you've been learning for years, now. Do you want to continue to expend that effort? You really do not seem to. It's understandable you're reluctant to cut her off. The situation is really weird: she's your sister; your parents are gone; you probably feel bad about the impending loss. The fact is, though, you've already lost her. Her appalling behavior has created a rift no mountain of teddies can fill.
or is it time to end contact?
It is long past time to end contact. Relocate the mountain of teddy bears and other flotsam to a charity shop, block her number on your phone and your partner's phone, let your aunt know you're done discussing it, and forge ahead creating the new sister-free lifestyle you deserve.
posted by Don Pepino at 9:31 AM on February 20 [2 favorites]
Please get a lawyer and make sure that bank deposit is *all* of your inheritance. It reads like your sister is really unsettled by the loss of your mom (the person completely under her control), and is casting a replacement. Do you have any contact with your brother-in-law? Could you tell him, this behavior is shocking, she seems really unwell, she needs a full medical check-up, grief counseling, professional help?
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:06 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:06 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]
OP I'm wondering if you realize that your sister probably has no idea how you feel about this whole inheritance & lawyer & home sale documentation stuff?
You have implied in this post that she is withholding information/paperwork from you and being cagey, trying to avoid giving you straight answers, and you even think she is manipulating you or cheating you out of your full inheritance. But you have never communicated these thoughts and suspicions to her. And neither have you assertively asked to see the paperwork and documents after she handwaved you. Right? So for all she knows, this whole thing was a perfectly amiable and transparent transaction that you are fully satisfied with, and the reason she hasn't given you the paperwork is because you seem happy with the way things are.
Now, having considered the possibility that your sister has no idea about all these grudges and suspicions and resentments you are harboring against her in regards to the will and the sale of the house and your inheritance, consider all the other aspects of your experience that you have never communicated to her, which may therefore be very different from her perspective.
Look, I don't know your situation. Perhaps you have been communicating all these things clearly and directly to your sister all these years, and she has nevertheless acted in these ways, and if so, you are right to be considering cutting her out of your life. In this case you may have no other choice.
But if you have not communicated clearly and directly with her, if that lack of clear communication is a pattern between you both, then consider that your sister may have excellent reasons to feel victimized by you just as you feel victimized by her. And her perspective is just as valid as yours. Both of you may have very valid reasons to feel wronged and abused and taken advantage of by the other person, and your sister comes out looking much better than you in this relationship, because she has at least tried to make amends and bridge the relationship between you both in the best way she knows how - which she believes has been successful. She has done at least some of her part and fulfilled at least some of her obligation to treat your relationship with respect. You haven't.
And because of this reason, if there has been a lack of communication, cutting your sister out of your life again is, ultimately, a cruel decision on your part. Yes, it may be necessary because you don't have the skills to deal with the tangled years of miscommunication between you both. Yes, it truly may be the only option for your wellbeing since you don't know how to cope with how you feel around your sister. But at the same time, it is also cruel towards her. It is painful as fuck to lose a sibling, and if only you were capable of honest communication, she would not have to lose her sister. You could have chosen to self-reflect and get therapy and do the hard work of learning a different way to cope, but you aren't. So you don't get to play the victim and say that she did this to you. Nope. You are doing this to her.
posted by MiraK at 11:22 AM on February 20 [2 favorites]
You have implied in this post that she is withholding information/paperwork from you and being cagey, trying to avoid giving you straight answers, and you even think she is manipulating you or cheating you out of your full inheritance. But you have never communicated these thoughts and suspicions to her. And neither have you assertively asked to see the paperwork and documents after she handwaved you. Right? So for all she knows, this whole thing was a perfectly amiable and transparent transaction that you are fully satisfied with, and the reason she hasn't given you the paperwork is because you seem happy with the way things are.
Now, having considered the possibility that your sister has no idea about all these grudges and suspicions and resentments you are harboring against her in regards to the will and the sale of the house and your inheritance, consider all the other aspects of your experience that you have never communicated to her, which may therefore be very different from her perspective.
- Have you ever actually told her (in so many words) that you don't appreciate the teddy bears and that you need a different form of apology/ conflict resolution? If not, she may quite justifiably believe that her chosen manner of mending fences has always been perfectly satisfactory. Which means the continuing influx of teddy bears (and continued failure to properly resolve conflicts) is not her fault at all, it's yours.
- Did you ever tell that you did not appreciate her showing up at your home with no warning? You could have done this kindly and gently ("Sweetie, I'm sorry, but this is super inconvenient, and I need you to check with me first before showing up at my door,") or you could have done it assertively and politely ("Goodness, I wasn't expecting you, I wish you had given me some notice!") or you could have done it bluntly with emotion attached ("Jeez, you didn't even call to check my availability. Come on, sis! That's not very thoughtful.") But if you didn't say any of these things, she probably thinks it's fine to continue showing up at your door, and that's your fault entirely, not hers.
- Have you ever told her that you don't want to listen to her for hours and hours? Again, there are multiple ways you can do it, warmly or assertively or bluntly or whatever. But instead if you just keep listening to her without protest, you are giving her the impression that her behavior is not just fine but very welcome. That's on you, not her.
- Most salient of all, did you ever speak directly to her about how you felt about what happened after your father passed? Like, did you perhaps say, "I want to be fully involved, please send me all the information, and let's set up a regular time to meet every week so we can co-ordinate," or "Please include me in the financial decision making for mom. Let's share this work between us. I can take over X and Y and Z if you will handle A and B and C?" Did you say any such thing? If not, SHE may have a very legitimate reason for being thunderously angry with you that you never stepped up to shoulder your share of the burden for caring for your mom, that she was left alone to do all of the work while you distanced yourself from everything without a word.
Look, I don't know your situation. Perhaps you have been communicating all these things clearly and directly to your sister all these years, and she has nevertheless acted in these ways, and if so, you are right to be considering cutting her out of your life. In this case you may have no other choice.
But if you have not communicated clearly and directly with her, if that lack of clear communication is a pattern between you both, then consider that your sister may have excellent reasons to feel victimized by you just as you feel victimized by her. And her perspective is just as valid as yours. Both of you may have very valid reasons to feel wronged and abused and taken advantage of by the other person, and your sister comes out looking much better than you in this relationship, because she has at least tried to make amends and bridge the relationship between you both in the best way she knows how - which she believes has been successful. She has done at least some of her part and fulfilled at least some of her obligation to treat your relationship with respect. You haven't.
And because of this reason, if there has been a lack of communication, cutting your sister out of your life again is, ultimately, a cruel decision on your part. Yes, it may be necessary because you don't have the skills to deal with the tangled years of miscommunication between you both. Yes, it truly may be the only option for your wellbeing since you don't know how to cope with how you feel around your sister. But at the same time, it is also cruel towards her. It is painful as fuck to lose a sibling, and if only you were capable of honest communication, she would not have to lose her sister. You could have chosen to self-reflect and get therapy and do the hard work of learning a different way to cope, but you aren't. So you don't get to play the victim and say that she did this to you. Nope. You are doing this to her.
posted by MiraK at 11:22 AM on February 20 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: MiraK, yes I have communicated many of these questions as gently as possible. She either giggles or pushes it away. Soon after, a new trauma occurs and it all gets swept, conveniently, away. Prior to my mother's passing, she would not have allowed me to speak without raising the roof, sadly. Thanks for sharing these thoughts.
posted by PheasantlySurprised at 11:35 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]
posted by PheasantlySurprised at 11:35 AM on February 20 [1 favorite]
If you would like to maintain some level of contact, not blocking her entirely, there are apps for your phone that will put texts and calls from a certain contact into a 'lock box' so that you only go in and read them on your schedule. If she texts you 50 times, you will only see them once you go into the app.
posted by nakedmolerats at 11:42 AM on February 20 [4 favorites]
posted by nakedmolerats at 11:42 AM on February 20 [4 favorites]
Have you received your half of the proceeds from the house? Have you received your half of that other inheritance? What does her husband say?
posted by at at 11:43 AM on February 20
posted by at at 11:43 AM on February 20
Response by poster: If it helps - father's will specified the house was to be split between myself, sister and mother if my mother had to go into care. My mother eventually went into care and the solicitors dealt with the house sale and proceeds, a 1/3 of it going to care home fees. I was out of contact with family at that time but saw the documents for the house and all was well. The cash inheritance was what my mother had left when she passed in 2020. I never saw any documentation of that and am not prepared to open an issue there. It was a 'small' amount (less than 40K).
Sister's husband is an invalid, he is not even allowed a smartphone. She micromanages every inch of his life, and he is apparently ok with that. Most people leave, after knowing her for a while. Cousins, friends, all of them back away because she suffocates people with the lack of boundaries. There's only a few of us left. It is a shame, but I am not willing to deal with it any more. I am considering therapy thanks to this thread, due to the trauma of her taking away access to my mother. I should never have accepted any further contact and can only imagine my grief blinded me there.
posted by PheasantlySurprised at 12:00 PM on February 20 [7 favorites]
Sister's husband is an invalid, he is not even allowed a smartphone. She micromanages every inch of his life, and he is apparently ok with that. Most people leave, after knowing her for a while. Cousins, friends, all of them back away because she suffocates people with the lack of boundaries. There's only a few of us left. It is a shame, but I am not willing to deal with it any more. I am considering therapy thanks to this thread, due to the trauma of her taking away access to my mother. I should never have accepted any further contact and can only imagine my grief blinded me there.
posted by PheasantlySurprised at 12:00 PM on February 20 [7 favorites]
It's kind to give people another chance. I don't think you have anything to reproach yourself with there.
But that doesn't mean you have to put up with anything else from her. I wish you the best as you free yourself from her.
posted by humbug at 1:02 PM on February 20 [3 favorites]
But that doesn't mean you have to put up with anything else from her. I wish you the best as you free yourself from her.
posted by humbug at 1:02 PM on February 20 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Not going to sugercoat it.
Your sister does not sound codependent, but narcissistic.
I suspect you're the victim of her intentional theft.
She reached out and renewed contact because she needed more "supply" - aka, another victim.
You're likely to be happiest with zero contact, plus therapy to deal with the fallout, preferably with someone who has some experience with those who have been victims of narcissistic abuse. Be wary - some therapists are willing to excuse or justify the narcissistic abuse, and that won't be at all helpful for you.
If you have concerns about the well-being of her husband - might consider contacting whatever authority there is in your area for abuse of elderly and disabled persons, but that's up to you.
Removing the toxic is generally the best - often the only effective - way to move on and truly heal, because then they're not continually reopening old wounds and creating new ones.
posted by stormyteal at 9:51 PM on February 20 [6 favorites]
Your sister does not sound codependent, but narcissistic.
I suspect you're the victim of her intentional theft.
She reached out and renewed contact because she needed more "supply" - aka, another victim.
You're likely to be happiest with zero contact, plus therapy to deal with the fallout, preferably with someone who has some experience with those who have been victims of narcissistic abuse. Be wary - some therapists are willing to excuse or justify the narcissistic abuse, and that won't be at all helpful for you.
If you have concerns about the well-being of her husband - might consider contacting whatever authority there is in your area for abuse of elderly and disabled persons, but that's up to you.
Removing the toxic is generally the best - often the only effective - way to move on and truly heal, because then they're not continually reopening old wounds and creating new ones.
posted by stormyteal at 9:51 PM on February 20 [6 favorites]
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posted by PheasantlySurprised at 7:36 AM on February 20