Thinking of ending a one-sided friendship, but not sure?
February 1, 2024 12:18 PM Subscribe
I have a friendship of nine years with P, and we met in university many moons back and were much closer and tighter than in comparison to the last three to four years, and the friendship feels rather strained and one-sided, and I am not sure if I should cut all ties or try to salvage it somehow.
I feel like the friendship is a little stale and hollow, and not as strong as it once was. P rarely seems chipper and happy, always looks tired and worn out all the time and I worry for her health a lot. P is a smart, kind, quirky person with a lot of cool interest and hobbies and we get along great and we have some stuff in common, but for the past three to four years, P has been suffering from ongoing depression and anxieties as well as health issues that is causing a lot of health problems such as weight gain and other things that are contributing to a lot of problems. P has gained so much weight in the past few years it is causing a lot of health issues. I invited P out to many café music events downtown since the fall, but all P wants to do is stay home and smoke marijuana and watch the telly. P seems a little lifeless and worn out, and I worry, but at the same time, it doesn’t feel like a friendship. P isn’t doing much to help her mental health and health issues as well. I do suffer from anxiety, and mental health issues, but I ama actively working on it through medication, exercise and diet. I feel like P doesn’t do much for their anxieties and stress and depression, but P’s partner said P relies way too much on marijuana and P should be active in seeking treatment and help for their mental health. I think P saw a therapy for a good while, but it became too expensive. I am not sure what to do, it feels so one-sided and faded in many ways. Would it be best to cut all ties for good or simply wait and hope things improve on P’s end? I might be moving to Ottawa (I am a Canadian from a smaller town) so I am hoping to make a circle of writer, political, and artsy friends in Ottawa as it is a bigger city overall. And if that happens, I wouldn’t see P that much or be in close contact anyways. I mean, I care about P, but their depression and stress, or whatever else is going on the past few years has taken a toll on the friendship. I only hope things improve and get better over time, but I feel like nothing is being actively done? Would it be best for me to move on and move to Ottawa in the fall and hope to make new friends? I think I would feel bad completely cutting ties, but I could use some advice and feedback. Maybe I could still be in her life when she is able to do so to meet. It just seems we only meet on her own accord and time when she is able to, which makes it so one-sided at times. I mean, we all struggle with problems and mental health and physical health, but I feel like P's issues have been ongoing for at least three to four years wth not much getting done. Yet, I am planning to leave this small town hopefully in the fall and make the trek to Ottawa.
I feel like the friendship is a little stale and hollow, and not as strong as it once was. P rarely seems chipper and happy, always looks tired and worn out all the time and I worry for her health a lot. P is a smart, kind, quirky person with a lot of cool interest and hobbies and we get along great and we have some stuff in common, but for the past three to four years, P has been suffering from ongoing depression and anxieties as well as health issues that is causing a lot of health problems such as weight gain and other things that are contributing to a lot of problems. P has gained so much weight in the past few years it is causing a lot of health issues. I invited P out to many café music events downtown since the fall, but all P wants to do is stay home and smoke marijuana and watch the telly. P seems a little lifeless and worn out, and I worry, but at the same time, it doesn’t feel like a friendship. P isn’t doing much to help her mental health and health issues as well. I do suffer from anxiety, and mental health issues, but I ama actively working on it through medication, exercise and diet. I feel like P doesn’t do much for their anxieties and stress and depression, but P’s partner said P relies way too much on marijuana and P should be active in seeking treatment and help for their mental health. I think P saw a therapy for a good while, but it became too expensive. I am not sure what to do, it feels so one-sided and faded in many ways. Would it be best to cut all ties for good or simply wait and hope things improve on P’s end? I might be moving to Ottawa (I am a Canadian from a smaller town) so I am hoping to make a circle of writer, political, and artsy friends in Ottawa as it is a bigger city overall. And if that happens, I wouldn’t see P that much or be in close contact anyways. I mean, I care about P, but their depression and stress, or whatever else is going on the past few years has taken a toll on the friendship. I only hope things improve and get better over time, but I feel like nothing is being actively done? Would it be best for me to move on and move to Ottawa in the fall and hope to make new friends? I think I would feel bad completely cutting ties, but I could use some advice and feedback. Maybe I could still be in her life when she is able to do so to meet. It just seems we only meet on her own accord and time when she is able to, which makes it so one-sided at times. I mean, we all struggle with problems and mental health and physical health, but I feel like P's issues have been ongoing for at least three to four years wth not much getting done. Yet, I am planning to leave this small town hopefully in the fall and make the trek to Ottawa.
Your friend is sick, so she’s not fun to be around. You feel the fact that she is still sick is her fault. And then you wonder why she doesn’t go out of her way to hang out with you? And you are considering friend dumping her for being sick? There might be more interfering with your friendship than you are telling us here.
It’s fine to slow fade on your friends if you have different interests. Friend dumping is almost always unwarranted. This goes double for dumping sick people when it’s their illness interfering with your friendship.
posted by shock muppet at 12:29 PM on February 1, 2024 [48 favorites]
It’s fine to slow fade on your friends if you have different interests. Friend dumping is almost always unwarranted. This goes double for dumping sick people when it’s their illness interfering with your friendship.
posted by shock muppet at 12:29 PM on February 1, 2024 [48 favorites]
If you don't want to hang out with her because you don't like the restriction's P's mental health puts on how you can hang out, don't hang out with her. Don't initiate. That's fine.
But I feel like there's this underlying tone here of "she isn't changing her life in the way I want so she can't be my friend until she improves her life." That feels pretty unfair to P. Part of having depression is that it is super hard to take the steps that will make you feel better. If you do really care about P, meet her where she is, because that's all she can manage right now. But it doesn't sound like you want to be with this version of P. That's not fair to her. She shouldn't have to be the person you want her to be in order to hang out with you. She shouldn't have to hang out with this friend who's secretly judging her (and she very possibly knows what you really think). Either be her actual friend or let her find people who don't expect her to change on their own timeline in their own way.
posted by violetish at 12:36 PM on February 1, 2024 [31 favorites]
But I feel like there's this underlying tone here of "she isn't changing her life in the way I want so she can't be my friend until she improves her life." That feels pretty unfair to P. Part of having depression is that it is super hard to take the steps that will make you feel better. If you do really care about P, meet her where she is, because that's all she can manage right now. But it doesn't sound like you want to be with this version of P. That's not fair to her. She shouldn't have to be the person you want her to be in order to hang out with you. She shouldn't have to hang out with this friend who's secretly judging her (and she very possibly knows what you really think). Either be her actual friend or let her find people who don't expect her to change on their own timeline in their own way.
posted by violetish at 12:36 PM on February 1, 2024 [31 favorites]
If I found out that one of the reasons a friend broke off our friendship was my weight, I don't think I could ever look at that person the same way again.
posted by augustimagination at 1:05 PM on February 1, 2024 [28 favorites]
posted by augustimagination at 1:05 PM on February 1, 2024 [28 favorites]
Response by poster: @augustimagination It doesn't have to do with their weight, but to do with their mental health, and growing very distant. I am quite worried about their health in all aspects, but also feel drained and distant at the same time.
posted by RearWindow at 1:07 PM on February 1, 2024
posted by RearWindow at 1:07 PM on February 1, 2024
You asked this exact question a few months ago, I assume/hope about the same person. I’m used to repeat questions about problematic life partners, because logistics make those kinds of relationships fiendishly difficult to unwind, but that doesn’t seem to apply here. A slow fade on someone who is ill and depressed would be very easy to pull off, I suspect, even without the move. What are you coming to us for? Permission?
posted by eirias at 1:07 PM on February 1, 2024 [33 favorites]
posted by eirias at 1:07 PM on February 1, 2024 [33 favorites]
Someone can still be your friend even if you don't hang out with them as much as you used to or as much as you'd like to. It doesn't seem like it costs you anything by continuing to be there friend so I wonder what the point of ending the friendship would be.
One of my good friends has been going through something for what feels like a decade now. We'll text or talk occasionally but he resists all approaches to actually meet and do anything. We're still friends though.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 1:21 PM on February 1, 2024 [8 favorites]
One of my good friends has been going through something for what feels like a decade now. We'll text or talk occasionally but he resists all approaches to actually meet and do anything. We're still friends though.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 1:21 PM on February 1, 2024 [8 favorites]
I am not sure if I should cut all ties or try to salvage it somehow.
Grown-ups do not need to have big dramatic friend breakups, which it's starting to feel like you maybe crave? Don't. Stop putting in so much work for now, that's just how it works. Over most long-term friendships after college (which is not adult friendship unless we're talking about significantly older students) they will ebb and flow and most likely settle into acquaintanceships. You don't NEED to burn a bridge here.
You clearly don't really like her, but you don't need to broadcast that and you don't get to tell friends "I won't be friends with you until I approve of how you're living your life with what appears to be a chronic illness that I'm making a bunch of assumptions about". I mean, on that level, you're already just acquaintances. Let it be that. Stop making effort you don't want to make. Stop gossiping with P's partner about P because that's how you end up having affairs and/or having your private unflattering conversation exposed to the person you're talking about. Just hope she gets better some day and leave her alone. There may come a time when that bond becomes higher-priority for both of you again, you never know.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:28 PM on February 1, 2024 [29 favorites]
Grown-ups do not need to have big dramatic friend breakups, which it's starting to feel like you maybe crave? Don't. Stop putting in so much work for now, that's just how it works. Over most long-term friendships after college (which is not adult friendship unless we're talking about significantly older students) they will ebb and flow and most likely settle into acquaintanceships. You don't NEED to burn a bridge here.
You clearly don't really like her, but you don't need to broadcast that and you don't get to tell friends "I won't be friends with you until I approve of how you're living your life with what appears to be a chronic illness that I'm making a bunch of assumptions about". I mean, on that level, you're already just acquaintances. Let it be that. Stop making effort you don't want to make. Stop gossiping with P's partner about P because that's how you end up having affairs and/or having your private unflattering conversation exposed to the person you're talking about. Just hope she gets better some day and leave her alone. There may come a time when that bond becomes higher-priority for both of you again, you never know.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:28 PM on February 1, 2024 [29 favorites]
Your friend is ill. You don’t need to judge how she is choosing to manage (or not manage) her illness, or her weight, or gossip with her partner about her choices, or do literally anything about any of this. If you know she’s not going to accept invitations, and that makes you feel badly, you can just stop inviting her places. When she invites you occasionally for a TV hangout, decide case by case if you feel like it that day.
I don’t understand why you think any of this warrants cutting ties or doing anything more dramatic than “put in however much low key effort you will feel fine about whether or not it gets returned, hope things improve for her, and hope someday when you are the one having a shit time, your friends don’t cut you off dramatically for being a downer.”
posted by Stacey at 1:37 PM on February 1, 2024 [12 favorites]
I don’t understand why you think any of this warrants cutting ties or doing anything more dramatic than “put in however much low key effort you will feel fine about whether or not it gets returned, hope things improve for her, and hope someday when you are the one having a shit time, your friends don’t cut you off dramatically for being a downer.”
posted by Stacey at 1:37 PM on February 1, 2024 [12 favorites]
Is there any reason why you can't just do a slow fade on her? It would be inappropriate to act out your feelings by doing an explicit friend breakup. If you need to vent your feelings, perhaps a therapist can help.
A therapist would also help you manage your feelings about the people in your life in a healthier way so that you are not constantly tempted to cut annoying people out of your life or evict them etc. There are healthier ways to deal with feelings of frustration/annoyance. You deserve professional support to coach you in those ways.
posted by MiraK at 1:39 PM on February 1, 2024 [16 favorites]
A therapist would also help you manage your feelings about the people in your life in a healthier way so that you are not constantly tempted to cut annoying people out of your life or evict them etc. There are healthier ways to deal with feelings of frustration/annoyance. You deserve professional support to coach you in those ways.
posted by MiraK at 1:39 PM on February 1, 2024 [16 favorites]
I’m wondering if you’re more dependent on this friendship than is healthy for you and that by doing the slow fade that everyone’s recommending you’d be cutting off a significant (though insufficient/problematic) source of social support. So if that’s the case, I would totally understand why the slow fade has been difficult for you to implement.
I also wonder if because you’re someone who’s struggled with your own mental health issues, if it's scary/terrifying to be in such close proximity to someone still struggling and unlike you, hasn’t been able to (so far) marshal the internal resources you have in “overcoming” their issues. If so, this would maybe account for the judgmental tone people in the comments seem to be picking up on. If that’s that case, that “judgment” you’re feeling towards your friend is understandable (though that doesn’t justify behaving judgmentally!)
Whenever we’re having issues “out there” it usually indicates something parallel “in here” that needs to be addressed. Pragmatically, the slow fade out is good advice, but maybe the real work is in understanding why it’s been so difficult for you to implement this without resorting to extremes of “put up with it and say nothing”, “say something judgmental and unkind” or “cut this person off completely”.
posted by flamk at 2:23 PM on February 1, 2024 [15 favorites]
I also wonder if because you’re someone who’s struggled with your own mental health issues, if it's scary/terrifying to be in such close proximity to someone still struggling and unlike you, hasn’t been able to (so far) marshal the internal resources you have in “overcoming” their issues. If so, this would maybe account for the judgmental tone people in the comments seem to be picking up on. If that’s that case, that “judgment” you’re feeling towards your friend is understandable (though that doesn’t justify behaving judgmentally!)
Whenever we’re having issues “out there” it usually indicates something parallel “in here” that needs to be addressed. Pragmatically, the slow fade out is good advice, but maybe the real work is in understanding why it’s been so difficult for you to implement this without resorting to extremes of “put up with it and say nothing”, “say something judgmental and unkind” or “cut this person off completely”.
posted by flamk at 2:23 PM on February 1, 2024 [15 favorites]
Does your friend enjoy your company? Obviously something has changed and she isn't "chipper" anymore around you. Consider that it could be her health issues or it could be that you're a bore to be around. I wouldn't want to be with a friend who blames me for gaining weight. Who is ableist and judges me for my health. You'd be better to just slow fade. No need to be dramatic. She's probably already slow fading you.
posted by mxjudyliza at 5:13 PM on February 1, 2024 [13 favorites]
posted by mxjudyliza at 5:13 PM on February 1, 2024 [13 favorites]
I'm doing a slow fade on a friend in part because of their problematic drinking but mostly because I know she judges me negatively for my 30kg weight gain following ovarian cancer. So maybe your friend is actually doing the slow fade on you but you haven't noticed...
posted by Thella at 5:39 PM on February 1, 2024 [13 favorites]
posted by Thella at 5:39 PM on February 1, 2024 [13 favorites]
You are not sure if you "should cut all ties or try to salvage it somehow," but your friendship with P is not all-or-nothing. (True friendships are not all-or-nothing.)
She hasn't been accepting your invitations, but it doesn't sound like she's been accepting invitations in general? You care about her, and you have some things in common; mental health issues are one commonality, and that can be unnerving. You are doing your best to manage your issues -- and so is P. It's clear you're worried about her, and I think you're a bit worried about keeping in good stead yourself during her illness. Comparing/contrasting ourselves with our friends is at once ordinary and a habit worth breaking.
MiraK's advice re: therapy to manage your feelings around those you care for is sound; there are ways to meet your friends where they are, support them appropriately during crises, and keep yourself safe. [If you do connect with a group of writers, political activists, and artsy types in Ottawa, they will not be immune to similar struggles.] While friendships ebb and flow, and do sometimes end completely, you'd be surer if a "hard" stop was required here. (If, in the shadowy recesses of your heart, you believe a scorching, relationship-ending scene would serve as as a "wake-up call" to P as to the severity of her situation... please, stop. She's not being depressed *at* you.) Send her texts from time to time, see how she responds, and move forward with your relocation plans. You do need new friends, and more friends, but you won't be a completely new person in the new city (and you don't need to be). No need to cut ties completely.
posted by Iris Gambol at 6:45 PM on February 1, 2024 [9 favorites]
She hasn't been accepting your invitations, but it doesn't sound like she's been accepting invitations in general? You care about her, and you have some things in common; mental health issues are one commonality, and that can be unnerving. You are doing your best to manage your issues -- and so is P. It's clear you're worried about her, and I think you're a bit worried about keeping in good stead yourself during her illness. Comparing/contrasting ourselves with our friends is at once ordinary and a habit worth breaking.
MiraK's advice re: therapy to manage your feelings around those you care for is sound; there are ways to meet your friends where they are, support them appropriately during crises, and keep yourself safe. [If you do connect with a group of writers, political activists, and artsy types in Ottawa, they will not be immune to similar struggles.] While friendships ebb and flow, and do sometimes end completely, you'd be surer if a "hard" stop was required here. (If, in the shadowy recesses of your heart, you believe a scorching, relationship-ending scene would serve as as a "wake-up call" to P as to the severity of her situation... please, stop. She's not being depressed *at* you.) Send her texts from time to time, see how she responds, and move forward with your relocation plans. You do need new friends, and more friends, but you won't be a completely new person in the new city (and you don't need to be). No need to cut ties completely.
posted by Iris Gambol at 6:45 PM on February 1, 2024 [9 favorites]
I have been on both sides of this. It can be super draining to see a friend just treading water in life with no direction, but on the flip side, it feels awful being pitied by a friend because you don't live the way they think you "should".
You deserve to go search for the kinds of friendships you want, and they deserve a friend that won't be scrutinizing them for just trying to live.
Also... resist the ego spiral of thinking stuff like "well I suffer from X just like them but I deal with it properly". Because honestly I guarantee you have alienated and annoyed others the way this friend annoys you (it's an inevitability of human relationships).
It's also possible they can sense that you're not accepting of them, and therefor they don't trust you enough to be anything more than low-key and distant.
If you want them as a friend, you're gonna have to meet them half way. If you don't want to do that, then a slow fade is always an option.
posted by Pemberly at 6:59 PM on February 1, 2024 [7 favorites]
You deserve to go search for the kinds of friendships you want, and they deserve a friend that won't be scrutinizing them for just trying to live.
Also... resist the ego spiral of thinking stuff like "well I suffer from X just like them but I deal with it properly". Because honestly I guarantee you have alienated and annoyed others the way this friend annoys you (it's an inevitability of human relationships).
It's also possible they can sense that you're not accepting of them, and therefor they don't trust you enough to be anything more than low-key and distant.
If you want them as a friend, you're gonna have to meet them half way. If you don't want to do that, then a slow fade is always an option.
posted by Pemberly at 6:59 PM on February 1, 2024 [7 favorites]
It would be compassionate to stay in their life and offer some loving concern. It is also not your responsibility to rescue anybody, because people can't usually be rescued. Depression can really make people difficult to be around.
If you feel like watching telly, go watch telly with P. Instead of events that P doesn't have energy for, go out for coffee or a cafe lunch. Send memes or whatever on social media. It may be worthwhile to say, if you mean it, P, I am so worried about you. You don't have energy for fun stuff and you don't seem to be enjoying your life. You deserve to feel good. How can I help? I can confidently say that P knows their weight is a significant issue; you do not need to address it. It sounds like P's partner has addressed the weed issue. I think it's not great for depression; therapy and probably medication are really needed for the depression.
If you move, try to stay in loose contact. P is in a tough place and even small friendship helps.
posted by theora55 at 7:41 PM on February 1, 2024 [2 favorites]
If you feel like watching telly, go watch telly with P. Instead of events that P doesn't have energy for, go out for coffee or a cafe lunch. Send memes or whatever on social media. It may be worthwhile to say, if you mean it, P, I am so worried about you. You don't have energy for fun stuff and you don't seem to be enjoying your life. You deserve to feel good. How can I help? I can confidently say that P knows their weight is a significant issue; you do not need to address it. It sounds like P's partner has addressed the weed issue. I think it's not great for depression; therapy and probably medication are really needed for the depression.
If you move, try to stay in loose contact. P is in a tough place and even small friendship helps.
posted by theora55 at 7:41 PM on February 1, 2024 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Just dial back a bit. If you move away the friendship will naturally fade unless you both find more energy or interest in maintaining it, and that's fine too.
posted by SaltySalticid at 12:28 PM on February 1, 2024 [32 favorites]